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suguru's shoes tapped rhythmically against the floor. nothing particularly interesting had happened today, but he knew he was going to have to tell his best friend every detail, since she prodded him about his missions every time he returned.
it wasn't really annoying, to be honest. she was just a bit bouncy, a trembling burst of energy when she could spot him from down the hallway or when he visited her dorm to exchange stories. nothing out of the ordinary, suguru thought, as a troubled sigh rung in his ears from around the bend. he was a hundred percent sure it was her, but she sounded so much more irritated than he'd have liked.
suguru peeked from around the corner, spotting his best friend immediately. her stark white hair was unmistakable, and her face was furrowed with an expression he couldn't exactly decipher at first; perhaps sorrow? she seemed disappointed, at the least. he called out her name.
perking up nearly instantly, she seemed to force a smile upon seeing him. suguru knew then and there something was off. "suguru!" she exclaimed, trying to sell her upbeat façade, but suguru's returning smile couldn't convince her that he thought she was okay.
"___.. are you alright? i heard you sighing from down the hallway, you know." she seemed to flinch hearing her name again.
"jeez, i thought you were supposed to be back a few hours from now..."
"they released me early. what's with you?"
___ simply lay back against the wall with her furrowed brow. "ugh... i've been dealing with some thoughts lately," she said, and suguru gave a nervous chuckle. he couldn't help but want to bombard her with questions. how was she faring? what kind of thoughts? is life here too difficult for her?
"it's.. complicated," she answered, as if reading his mind. suguru wasn't very fond of the way she seemed to dodge his inquiries, even if he hadn't asked them yet, but he held out hope she wouldn't just pass it off as something not that important. she fumbled with her hands.
"but, it's not a big deal," she followed up, almost instantly, and suguru gave her a look that told her she needed to explain herself. "fffffinee.." she groaned, and sat up, refusing to make eye contact with him. her eyes, in question, seemed grey and dulled rather than their usually vibrant blue. she spoke again, with a more monotonous voice than earlier.
"i don't know who i am, suguru."
"you're ___, aren't you? gojo ___."
suguru looked puzzled. he had a few ideas as to where she was going with this, but he was unsure and wanted to prod her for answers.
"i don't think so," she continued. "i've been feeling... disconnected." she stared at her feet, and suguru could just barely hear a quiver in her voice. her hands were positioned at her knees, and suguru took notice of her gripping her skirt. "i don't think i'm her. ___. that's not... me."
her lips curled into a frown at the corners, and suguru started putting the pieces together. she didn't seem to like hearing her name.
he ended up taking the initiative. "what exactly are you saying?" he asked, and ___ stifled another sigh. her breath was rattling ever so slightly, and suguru wondered if she was going to cry in front of him like this; she never so much as let him see her disappointed to a certain degree.
it took her a moment to find the words, but she eventually spoke up again. "i don't think this is what's right for me, suguru," she whispered, and suguru's heart sank.
"i'm sorry?"
"i'm not a girl."
oh. that's what she meant.
she?
suguru gave his friend a confused look. of the possibilities in his head, he didn't think he was prepared for this one. he pressed his back against the wall, hands in his pockets, and tried to process everything she was saying.
"i can't take it anymore. i realized this a while ago, but i was just scared shitless to tell you. i thought you'd hate me for it, that maybe you wouldn't want to be friends with me anymore. i could always rely on shoko, so it's not an issue telling her, but, god, suguru, i couldn't bring myself to tell you."
as she rambled, suguru listened intently. she wasn't joking at all. there were tears welling up in her eyes, and suguru could make out the marks on her knees from where she'd dug her fingernails into her flesh. "hey, hey, it's okay. you're gonna be okay," suguru attempted.
"how do you know that? how full are your words?"
suguru simply looked down at his feet, mirroring her. okay, so comfort wasn't going to work. maybe reassurance?
"i don't hate you, i promise. i'm just a little confused... i haven't really worked with something like this before. are you really sure?"
___'s eyes watered. she turned to suguru, face welling up in agony, and buried her head into his shoulder, weeping as she did. it was a first for her, for suguru. she'd never cried near him, if she did cry. she mumbled her sorrows, enveloping suguru in a rather tight hug.
it seemed as if ___'s anguish was transferring to suguru, as he felt a bit of a lump forming in his throat as well. he bit it back, holding his best friend close to him as she sobbed. it was over almost as soon as it started, ___ lifting her head out of the crook of his neck; she'd shifted a little.
"how long have you known?" suguru asked, his hand placed amiably on her shoulder. she sniffled, calculating. "a few months, at the least.."
admittedly, suguru was a little hurt. ___ hadn't trusted him enough to be this vulnerable with him? but then again, they really hadn't known each other for that long, had they? so he supposed it wasn't out of the ordinary. still...
"i'm sorry i never told you. i was miserable knowing i hadn't, when you called that name. i hated it, i'll be honest with you. i just loved you too much to want to give up our friendship for myself." she blathered, the words erupting out of her chest and marching their way into suguru's ears.
"you know i wouldn't hate you, right? what kind of a friend would i be if i dropped you for wanting to be a boy? that's just ridiculous," suguru reassured her, and her face shifted into an instinctual smile. "that's.. thank you, suguru."
she sat up again, and suguru laid his arm to rest on his thigh. "...do you think you could stop using that name for me? and start, uh," she hesitated, as if she herself didn't understand what was happening, "calling me a boy?" her eyes had regained their spark, returning to azure. suguru sighed, chuckling, and followed up with "sure, but it's gonna take me a while to get used to it. what kind of name were you thinking?"
she went quiet for a moment, lost in thought. suguru rolled up a few choices in his brain and fired them at her, but she shot down every one. they landed on "s", and she seemed a little more agreeable then.
"satoru.." she tested. "i think i like that one. wait— it matches yours!" she exclaimed, embarrassed, but suguru caught a twinge of excitement in her voice. "you just want me to match with you all the time, don't you?" she teased.
"nooo, no, that's not what i meant! you know that.." he defended himself, but he had to admit that that was half his intention. she gave him a friendly, light punch to the shoulder. "things are going to be a lot different now, huh?" suguru murmured, and his best friend laid her head on his shoulder again. though.. suguru supposed it was his head now. he let out a breath, and spoke again.
"satoru... that's who you are now."
"that's me."
"i'll remember that."
suguru muttered something incoherent under his breath, but the presence of the boy next to him drowned that out.
satoru wiped a tear from his cheek.