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Jawn isn’t expecting a phone call from Awsten tonight. They’re apart for once, so normally they would. Awsten is supposed to be taking his sister to a track meet, and then getting yelled at by his mom for not cleaning his room. Apparently this is part of his plan to motivate himself to actually do it. If fear is what works for him, then whatever.
They have been dating for multiple years at this point, all through the difficult end of pre-adulthood. Jawn still doesn’t quite understand every way Awsten’s brain works. He has a handle on the broad strokes and has accepted that he will never get the full picture. That’s okay. They still know each other better than anyone.
No one else knows that they’re dating. Jawn doesn’t know how - sometimes all he wants to do is shout it from the rooftops how much he loves Awsten. They try their best to be subtle and discreet. Neither of them know how their parents will react, so they keep it quiet.
It’s weird and stressful sneaking around like they do, but the alternative is not seeing each other at all. Jawn couldn’t live without Awsten. They are such a part of each other’s lives that the thought of being separate is unimaginable. He doesn’t know how to function without Awsten by his side.
“Hey, sweetheart.” Jawn says when he answers the phone, because no one can hear him. His parents are still at work and his sister isn’t home. “Did you clean your room?”
“Jawn, I fucked up.” Awsten practically shouts into the phone, hyperventilating. Jawn has to pull the speaker away from his ear so it doesn’t deafen him. “I fucked up, I’m sorry, I fucked up.”
“Hey, hey, what happened?” Jawn asks gently.
He looks around for his shoes. If Awsten is freaking out, having a panic attack, then Jawn needs to be there as soon as he can. Either that, or he needs to text Gracie and get her to calm him down until Jawn can get there. She’s… medium good at that, but it’s enough to make sure Awsten doesn’t do anything stupid before Jawn can calm him down properly.
“I didn’t clean my room, but mom didn’t yell at me, she said she thought I was stressed out about school or whatever so she did it for me before I got home. And she found- she found that fucking polaroid you took of us the other day.” Awsten chokes on a sob.
“Shit.” Jawn whispers. “What did she say?”
He takes a lot of pictures of Awsten. Photography is one of the hobbies Jawn has picked up to keep himself busy when he’s anxious. Most of the photos he takes are of Awsten alone, polaroids and digital stolen while he isn’t looking. Jawn keeps them all, mostly at his house in the shoe box under his bed. A few, though, Awsten insists on keeping for himself.
The most recent one is from a few nights ago. It’s of the two of them, Jawn sitting in Awsten’s lap with Awsten kissing his cheek. Jawn is grinning like an idiot, eyes squeezed shut as he’s blinded by the flash. It’s an adorable picture, the sort of thing you display at a wedding years later. It’s also very clearly not platonic.
“I didn’t talk to her. She left it on my desk for me to find when I got into my room. I didn’t even- I just grabbed my stuff and ran .” Awsten whines.
“Where are you now?” Jawn pulls his shoes on and fumbles for his keys. He’s terrified of what Awsten might be about to do, or where he could be headed.
“I’m in my car on the way to your place. We need to get out of here, J. They know about us, it’s not safe.” Awsten takes a deep, shaky breath. “Come with me, please?”
“Okay.” Jawn agrees immediately, without thinking it through for a second. “Of course I will.”
Jawn throws a few things into his bag and sits on his front porch waiting for Awsten. He doesn’t say goodbye to his sister - she’ll try to stop him - or leave a note for his parents. Part of him knows he’ll be back, that Awsten will change his mind. Once he has driven around a little, he’ll calm down. If his mom does end up kicking him out, then he can come live with Jawn. And if Jawn’s parents kick them out, then they’ll think about running away for real.
Awsten pulls up to the curb so fast that he almost hits it. Jawn gets up and jumps into the passenger seat. Awsten is already driving before Jawn can get his seatbelt on. His knuckles are white where he grips the steering wheel, his arms shaking.
“Hey, baby.” Jawn says gently. He puts his hand on Awsten’s thigh to try and soothe him. “Talk to me.”
“God knows what else she saw. I have all those letters you wrote me under my bed, what if she read them?” Awsten asks, his words coming out fast and a little jumbled. He turns onto a road that will lead to the highway out of Houston.
Oh, God. Jawn doesn’t want to think about that. There’s things in those letters that nobody else was ever supposed to read. They wrote them when they were separated for any amount of time, if one of them got grounded or something like that. Sometimes they didn’t even mail them, instead giving them to each other when they were back together. Texting and phone calls weren’t always viable if they got their phones taken away. Awsten always found it easier to get his feelings down on paper anyway.
“Where are we going?” Jawn asks. He isn’t sure how Awsten can see where he’s going with the tears in his eyes, but he trusts him.
“The guy I met at that hardcore show- Otto, you remember him right?” Awsten asks desperately. Jawn nods - they met once, maybe. “He said if I ever needed a place to stay I could go to him.”
“Did you call him first?”
“I texted him, told him I was bringing you. He hasn’t replied but it’ll be fine.” Awsten breathes out slowly. “It’ll be fine, right?”
“Yeah, baby, it’ll be fine.” Jawn pats his thigh in an attempt at reassurance. “I love you.”
“God, I love you too.” Awsten laughs wetly. “That’s all that matters. I love you.”
“I love you.” Jawn says again, just as his phone starts ringing. He glances at Awsten before he picks it up, but he seems more focused on the road. “Hello?”
“Jawn, it’s Gracie. Are you with Awsten right now?” She sounds frantic, similar to Awsten does when he’s panicking.
“Yes.” Jawn doesn’t want Awsten to realise who called him, in case he throws his phone out of the window.
“Shit, okay, is he alright?”
“Yeah.” Jawn glances at Awsten, who raises an eyebrow at him. He just shrugs back.
“Okay, can you convince him to come home? Mom really needs to talk to him.”
“I don’t think so.”
“Jesus, does he think she’s mad that he’s gay? She doesn’t care. None of us care. I tried to tell him but he wouldn’t listen to me, he just ran off.” Gracie sighs. “I mean, if that’s what this is…?”
“Yeah, yeah it is.” Jawn pats Awsten on the shoulder. “Dude, pull over.”
“What? Why?” Awsten asks.
“Do you trust me?” Jawn asks. Awsten nods slowly. “Then pull over, babe.”
Awsten sighs, frustrated, but he pulls over to the side of the road and takes the phone from Jawn. When he realises who is on the other end, he almost drops it.
“Gracie, I- no, do you have any idea- what? Did she- did she say that? Seriously?” Awsten is quiet for a moment while Jawn stares at him, biting his fingernails. “So… I’m okay?”
Jawn breathes a sigh of relief as Awsten visibly deflates. Once Awsten has hung up, Jawn asks, “Are we going home?”
“Yeah. Yeah, I, uh… need to talk to my mom.” Awsten swallows. “Can you come with me?”
“Of course I can.” Jawn puts his hand on top of Awsten’s shaking one. “I’d follow you anywhere.”
Awsten laughs. “That’s gonna get you killed one day.”
“Well, at least you’ll be there when I die.” Jawn leans in and kisses him on the cheek. “Get driving, dude.”
Awsten drives them back to his house. He asks Jawn to send Otto a text, false alarm. Otto still hasn’t responded - to be fair, his phone is probably dead like usual. When they pull into the driveway, Awsten is shaking again, staring straight ahead at the front door.
“You got this, darlin’.” Jawn puts an arm around him. “Do you want me to come in with you?”
“Please.” Awsten presses his face into Jawn’s shoulder. “I can’t do this on my own.”
“You’re never alone, my love.” Jawn promises. He leans down and catches Awsten’s lips with his own. “I got you, okay?”
“Yeah. Yeah, okay.” Awsten sits up and shakes his arms out. “Oh, God, okay. Okay, let’s do this.”
They get out of the car, and Awsten reaches for Jawn’s hand as they walk to the porch. Jawn almost doesn’t take it, used to avoiding physical affection in public. But Awsten is insistent, making grabby hands at him, so Jawn lets himself be pulled up the porch steps.
“Awsten!” His mom shouts as she pulls open the front door. She must have heard them coming up the drive. “There you are, I’ve been worried sick.”
“Momma…” He breathes, letting go of Jawn so his mom can pull him into a hug.
Awsten bursts into tears, clinging to his mom like a lifeline. Jawn stands there a little awkwardly until Awsten’s mom holds out an arm to him and he hugs her too. She’s warm and gentle, hugging him tight.
“Oh, my poor boys.” She pats them both on the back. “Did you really think I’d hate you?”
“Yeah.” Awsten mumbles. “I didn’t- I didn’t know, I was scared.”
“Don’t you ever be scared of me, honey. It really doesn’t matter to me. As long as you’re happy.” His mom rubs his back, giving Jawn a squeeze as she does. “That does explain why you’re ‘round here all the time.”
Jawn smiles, sheepish. “I, uh, guess so?”
“So it’s okay?” Awsten asks quietly. “You… don’t mind that I’m gay?”
“Honey, you could grow an extra arm and I wouldn’t stop loving you.” His mom holds both of them at arm's length. “Now are we gonna have dinner or will you two be taking off again?”
“I think- I think I need to lie down for a bit first.” Awsten says, swaying a little like he does when he’s lightheaded. This has all been a bit too much for him.
“Alright, off you go. It’s not ready yet anyway.” Awsten’s mom kisses him on the side of his head, pats Jawn on the arm, and lets them go.
Jawn dips into the kitchen to get Awsten a glass of water before they go upstairs. While he’s waiting for the cup to fill, he glances over at the fridge. Pinned to the front with a black magnet is the polaroid of Awsten and Jawn together. His mom or Gracie must have got it from upstairs when they realised he was gone.
“We’re gonna be alright.” Jawn mumbles to himself as he turns off the tap. He doesn’t think it will go this well with his own parents, but, “We’re going to be alright.”