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“Say Lala-San, what do you do when you like a boy?” You idly swirl your drink around, staring at the polished counter of the bar. You should have left some time ago. Even if things weren’t dead she didn’t usually keep you this late, but you had nothing better to do and she hadn’t insisted on you leaving. At the very least she tried to make it seem like you were here for a purpose and taught you more things about the bar that you had picked up tidbits on through watching. Between this and helping at LeBlanc you were starting to find some comfort in the service industry and you weren’t entirely sure how you felt about it.
Lala stops thumbing through the cash in the register. You hadn’t really intended to interrupt her closing the register for the night, but it was now or never and you were just overtired enough that you stopped caring.
You were aware that you must seem desperate to be going to her. You might have mentioned your friends in passing but the idea of talking about Akechi to them felt like some form of social suicide. Their feelings towards him ranged from hatred to well placed caution. You didn’t think you liking a boy would be an issue so much as liking Akechi would. The conversation would undoubtedly derail into you having questionable taste and then if you were cracking under the pressure. That left Sojiro but you really couldn’t see him being much help their either, not when he was still being weird about having your number after all these months; the concept of a gay person would be completely out of his wheelhouse.
Maybe you were desperate. You just had to put this all somewhere that wasn’t the diary that was blatantly being rummaged through whenever material was needed for proof you weren’t breaking parole. The game of lies kept going and sometimes you couldn’t help but wonder if you were still capable of unabashedly being yourself.
Lala sighs, typing a number into the computer. “Depends on the boy.” She sounded almost sad uttering the phrase. You couldn’t pretend you didn’t know why. You couldn’t say you knew a lot about her, but it felt safe to assume that she had endured a lot more than you had when it came to the ways of the world. “It also depends on you. Things will change, even if you don’t think they will. If you aren’t ready for that then you’re better off letting it be.”
Ice hits the side of the glass. Things were racing forward no matter how much you might want to stand still sometimes. Worrying about how Akechi would react hadn’t even crossed your mind because wanting to see what he’d do with the information had nestled itself in among all the other things about him that took up far too much space in your head. He knew on some level what you were with the phantom thieves. He didn’t know what to do with that information right now. He wouldn’t know what to do with your feelings for him either because he wouldn’t be able to rationalize them away. You wouldn’t be surprised if his fleeting fascination evaporated and the next time you saw him was from handcuffs or the TV in juvie. Assuming you didn’t get tried as an adult.
Worrying about a crush felt trivial compared to anything else but it was also so painfully normal it felt surreal, but also you craved it. This was more tangible than anything else you might have dragged out of the metaverse. You weren’t trapped in the shadows and the boy that would be standing before you was the boy that everybody else saw and admired as well, not some other piece of himself that even he wasn’t aware of. The thought of Akechi’s shadow was actually a little funny. Would it cling to some carefully crafted narrative that the masses loved? Or would you get a more solid picture of the boy that was trying to goad you into making cracks in his facade and ripping it open?
It didn’t matter either way, you’d be robbed of figuring it out yourself and that was the last thing you wanted. You’d be cheating in this unspoken game of yours. “I’m not particularly worried about that.”
“Then what is it you’re worried about?”
You can feel her eyes on you every so often while she finishes counting the drawer. You weren’t sure. You didn’t even really know what you wanted out of this conversation. Confirmation? But of what? You knew how you felt. You knew things could easily get worse for you. What was left?
“Why don’t you tell me about him? He must be special to have you at a loss for words.”
You flash her a wry smile as she slams the drawer shut. “I wouldn’t say that. It’s more like…this is going to sound dumb.”
“Honey, look around you, I’m sure I’ve heard dumber things come out of people who know better.”
“He’s been testing me ever since we first met. He’s seen me and he knows I see him, and the tings nobody else things of, and the things he’s let slip. I want to know what happens when I finally rip off that mask of his.”
The resulting silence didn’t do anything for your confidence. “You can’t treat a person like a problem that needs to be solved. What exactly do you thinks going to happen when you do that? You find whatever you’re looking for then what?”
You didn’t know the answer to that either. He wouldn’t join the Phantom Thieves even if you were ballsy enough to ask him. You sure as hell weren’t about to go with the cops. Was there a future for the two of you if you couldn’t stand on the same side? Did you want to stand on the same ground as him? Akechi was dismantling you piece by piece the same way you were doing to him. Maybe he’d break you apart the same way you wanted to break him, but when the smoke cleared, and this was through, there had to be something left in both of you that you could cling to. You could build each other back up in your own images. Or so thoroughly ruin each other that there wouldn’t be anything to put back together. You didn’t know which option was more enthralling.
You shrug, taking a sip of your very watered down soda. “Does it matter?”
“Yes it matters!” She takes your watered down soda from you, pointedly dumping it down the drain. “Far be it from me to tell you how to live your life. You’re going to do whatever you want anyway, but it’s not right to goad somebody into being vulnerable with you to turn around and throw them away. If that boy really wants to hide himself away then you need to let him do this on his own terms, otherwise he’ll have a bitch of a time piecing himself back together.”
The whole point was changing him. You could change hearts in this world for the better as well. You could turn him into something he was supposed to be. You didn’t want him to be the same even if he picked himself up and went back to what he had been doing before you came here. Otherwise what was the point in any of this. Lala didn’t have the full picture of the moving pieces. The only thing she knew was you sounded like you were going to drag Akechi out of the closet and make him love you. That was a small piece of it; the normal piece. She would be right if this was normal circumstances. But it wasn’t. Neither of you could afford the scandal so doing it in person was your only option. No texts. No monitored phone calls. Just the option for both of you to pretend nothing had happened if you had grossly misread the situation.
You hoped you weren’t.
Maybe Lala-chan was right and this wasn’t the best idea.
But you bought him a gift.
Ugh. Now you were worrying…
It’s fine.
Akechi wasn’t so ingrained in your daily life that his absence would impact you. If you wanted him to bare his soul to you then you’d have to do the same. You’d crack the door for uncharted territory and he could be the one to push it open all the way.
“I won’t do something like that.”
“Hmph.” She wipes down the counter around you. You take the hint that you should find your way out. Especially since it was dangerously close to the last train.
“I promise. Thank you, Lala-Chan. I feel a lot better now.”
She shakes her head slightly, walking you to the door. “I’m glad I could help. Whatever it is you’re looking for, I hope you find it.”