Chapter Text
It was all for nothing. The anger, the need to control. Claire. All of that was to make him normal, make him seen, make him less invisible. His confrontation with his tormentor was supposed to set him free, or at least loosen the chokehold that it had on him. He could never push back, never could say that’s enough, you fucking prick. It made him feel strangely visible, seen. So he took it, and it took root and grew all around him. A prison of his own making.
There was no relief in finally facing the grand boss, in defeating him. It wasn’t even a defeat, not really. He just felt empty. He thought the confrontation would make him feel whole, but all he felt was numb.
Perhaps he would remain eternally trapped, where everyone saw the façade, what and who he was supposed to be, but not actually see him. Carmy with the cracked foundation and peeling walls. Not a fixer-upper, but a full gut-reno, maybe even a teardown.
He wandered aimlessly, hoping to get some clarity. Chef Terry’s words were bouncing around in his brain, working their way to his bones. If he walked long enough, allowed himself to be distracted by the rumbling of the el, the nicotine hitting his lungs like manna from heaven, the familiar scent of stale urine that lingered in large cities, maybe he wouldn’t think about the pending review, about Claire and how he left things, about her.
He felt a sudden chill, Mikey’s ghost” flashed through his mind. Maybe that is who is haunting me, he thought. Maybe that’s why things are falling apart. On a whim, he checked his phone to see numerous missed calls from Nat and messages from Cicero. The review was up. It wasn’t bad, but it wasn’t good. Genius and stale, flashes of excellence alongside absurd choices. Lost the comfort that comes with sharing a meal.
It was over. Cicero would close them down, this would prove that EMP asshole right, there would be no star, there would be no Syd. She would leave him, of this he was certain. Why should she stay?
He took stock of his location and realized he was only a block from Syd’s new apartment. He didn’t want to ruin the afterparty since everyone was in a good mood after Ever’s funeral, but he needed to see her, convince her it would be ok. He could still get her a star, they could find other backers. He would be good.
He was greeted jubilantly by the crowd, even cousin threw a wary smile his way. The liquor was flowing, everyone was in a good mood; he couldn’t tell them about the review, not now. Let them be happy. Sydney was nowhere to be found “she went for some air,” Luca mentioned off-handedly. Carmy considered Luca a friend, but something about the way he looked at Syd set his teeth on edge. He found a closet to put his coat deciding to make himself comfortable while he ignored it all. He was surprised to find Syd, her lithe body curled into a ball, her voice a hysterical whimper. He got into the closet and closed the door quickly behind him. He tentatively placed a hand on her shoulder as to not scare her. “Syd? Are you Ok? Is this about the review?” Maybe she had seen it. She had seen the proverbial writing on the wall.
She was unresponsive, her body becoming racked with loud sobs. He enveloped her body in his, wrapping her into a cocoon. “Shhh, I got you,” he repeated as her body moved of its own volition. He smoothed her hair and pulled her closer. Her breathing eventually slowed, the tears no longer dampened his shirt. She didn’t move to face him, so he simply held her.
“I can’t do this,” she said, her voice above a whisper. “I can’t do this with you, I can’t let myself fail again because of you.”
He pulled back to look at her. “Is this about the review?” He tried to keep the fear out of voice. He had to be strong for her, pull her back from whatever ledge she was standing on. She had unknowingly done this for him repeatedly.
“The review? It’s out?” He nodded, his eyes focused on her every movement, he could feel the deep intake and exhalation.
“We can come back from it, full focus, you have it.”
She wished she could yell and scream at him, but she couldn’t. Not since they sat on the floor of her bedroom closet, a party in full swing mere feet away. She couldn’t even relish in the feel of his arms around her, strong and warm. It felt like home and a cage at the same time. A cage of her own making, of their making.
“No, Carmen,” she said, using his full name. With that, his arms dropped to his side.
“What can’t you do then?” He asked, his face a question mark. She knew him well enough to know that he was on edge, his fingers tapping steadily on the parquet floors.
“I can’t do us, can’t do the Bear, I can’t do vibrant collaboration that is not an actual collaboration. I am seen and not heard, do you know how that feels? Being invisible?” He wanted to tell her that of course he did, he felt so all the time, it was only when he cooked that he felt less so, when he was with her, but he remained silent.
“I got an offer, from Shapiro, he’s opening his own restaurant with backers from Ever, he wants me as CDC, I am going to take it,”
“Syd,”
“No, don’t Syd me. The Bear, the partnership was all I ever wanted. We were going to create something new and different, but it’s more of the same toxic kitchen bullshit. You don’t need me. What am I doing here? First it was your fucking girl who was a friend, then it was your dictatorship.” She took a deep breath before continuing, “I can’t sleep, I am in a closet in my brand new apartment having a panic attack. This should be a happy time for me, I should be happy about a partnership agreement, finally moving out of my dad’s place, but I am in a fucking closet having a breakdown because the one person I thought I could trust, let me down.”
“Syd, I’ll be better, you can’t leave,” his voice on the edge of panic.
She threw her head back, a chilling laugh erupting from her body. Carmen felt the chill to his core.
“Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me; fool me fucking thrice, might as well bury me. I have been a fool this entire time.”
“Syd, please, please,” he pleaded, taking her hands in his. “You can’t give up on the Bear, on me, I’ll be better, I’ll do better. We won’t survive this. I won’t survive this.”
Her eyes met his unflinchingly. Cornflower to mahogany. She leaned forward and pressed her lips gently to his. Before he could react, pull her closer, caress her lips with his, give her the real reason he wanted her to stay, she pulled back.
“Goodbye Carmy, this is my official two-weeks notice.” She rose to her feet and left him there, closing the door behind her. Carmen heard the cheers when she rejoined the party.
His face was wet, remnants of Sydney’s tears, he reasoned. He touched his lips, maybe it was a fever dream, he moved his hands to his cheeks and realize the tears were his.