Archive of Our Own

Chapter Text

Soonyoung considered himself to be a rather righteous man.

This applies to a lot of things, he thinks. Perhaps all things. He makes solutions to problems by thinking of what would be most morally correct. He treats people with kindness and respect, stranger or someone close, friend or fan or foe. And when he works, he works with diligence; perhaps even too diligent, some of the members tell him warily, whenever he works too hard he forgets about his own needs, which happens a lot more often than he wants to admit, which also happens to sound a lot like what Jihoon does when he’s the zone of creating music.

Speaking of Jihoon.

Soonyoung bites his lips, lets go when it starts to hurt, then sighs.

Soonyoung knew he was not perfectly virtuous, and was well aware that he was nowhere near it. He drinks a lot, indulges in good old capitalism, calls in sick when some members want to hang out and he’s not in the mood for it. Puts an empty wrapper of candy in Seokmin’s pocket, cheats and creates accomplices in a rather intense Mafia Game.

So Soonyoung wasn’t completely righteous. But he also believes everyone can try to be at that level, even if it’s impossible because it’s what would give people the drive to become better beings.

And so with that said, Soonyoung obviously knows that thirsting over his longtime best friend and member and imagining sinful night-time activities with him every time he sets eyes on the man was not right. There is no alternate universe where it could ever be right.

Yet here we are, at the very beginning of how it all happened.

“So cool,” Mingyu, whispers beside him, obviously not intending for anyone else to hear it. Soonyoung follows Mingyu’s eyes, tries to see what he’s looking at that’s so cool, and it’s.

“Jihoon?” Soonyoung’s eyebrows furrow. “Jihoon is cool?”

“Huh?” Mingyu seems surprised, then sighs. “Yeah. Jihoon hyung. It’s just. Lately I’ve been working out with him, and I think I’ve developed a newfound admiration for him.” Mingyu continues to stare at the Jihoon trying the choreography by himself on the other side of the practice room, staring at him like a baby duck who wants to be a devoted follower to his mama.

“I don’t get it,” Soonyoung replies, because he really doesn’t get it - he also works out with Jihoon a lot (Correction: used to; Mingyu is Jihoon’s new gym buddy now it seems) and he’s never really thought anything of it, just sees Jihoon as he usually does. 

Mingyu shrugs. “I don’t know. Probably because you’re not really into this thing much. I mean, you keep up with it and follow your routine, but you know Jihoon hyung, how crazy he gets with gym. I think I’m like that too.” They talk but don’t look at each other, instead at Jihoon, who’s still blissfully naive.

“Hyung looks cool when he lifts weights with ease, but cooler when he struggles with them, yet he tries to push his limits. His knowledge of everything is so cool, I’m convinced he can be a gym trainer already. And his body, too, it’s just. Cool.”  

Soonyoung simply nods, understanding but not. What’s so special about it all? There are other members who work out too. Is this admiration for anyone else as well, or exclusively for Jihoon only?

Mingyu seems to notice the confusion and Soonyoung’s face and chuckles. “Next time you guys work out, ask Jihoon hyung a lot of questions. He has answers to everything. And even on normal days, try to observe his posture, his stature, all the little details. Maybe that’d make you understand.”

Soonyoung could only shrug, unsure but at the very least interested.

Things just kind of escalate from there.

Soonyoung observes Jihoon’s posture, as Mingyu says, and realizes that it is admirable that even after spending hours sitting in the studio and looking at a screen almost every day it still seems like Jihoon has the best posture in the world. And because Jihoon likes to walk around their place without a shirt on, Soonyoung’s focus shifts to Jihoon’s back, how his proper posture gives him a more defined and chiseled back, the outlines of his back muscles able to be traced in the right lightings.

The attention quickly turns to shoulders, of course shoulders, how everytime Jihoon wears this certain black shirt it keeps getting tighter and tighter on the sleeves, and then the thighs, his smooth and pale yet muscular thighs, and then his deft fingers, calloused but extremely smooth-looking on the rare days it isn’t, and.

The abs, because obviously Jihoon’s toned abs, and Soonyoung especially likes it when it’s a gym day and Jihoon is half-naked again in the living room and remnants of that-gym-pump is still very much imminent, and he can’t help but stare, and somehow and in some way Soonyoung feels full for the rest of the evening, yet hungry in a way he cannot quite place.

It was in the later hours of the night and Soonyoung wakes up to go to the bathroom, eyes half-opened and the whole apartment dark, him relying solely on gut feeling that taking certain steps would somehow successfully lead him to the bathroom.

But it doesn’t, instead it leads him to a body, a rather tough body, accidentally crashing onto it with enough force that he falls back. He’s about to land to the ground when a hand grips his waist and the other on his back, pushing Soonyoung back to whoever this is, their bodies now fully flushed together, just their thin tops acting as an unhelpful barrier.

Now, Soonyoung might be half-asleep, but his brain still functions pretty amazingly. The thing is Soonyoung only lives with one guy, his best friend in the entire world, so putting the pieces together, obviously it’s.

Wait.

“J-J-Jihoon?!” Soonyoung pulls back, but Jihoon is still tightly gripping on to his waist and his back that he’s just able to pull away oh so very slightly.

“Soonyoung,” Jihoon sighs, holy fucking shit I can feel his breath on my neck, and loosens his hands, but still holding onto Soonyoung. “I thought you were sleepwalking or something.”

They’ve never talked to each other this close before; Jihoon’s voice is so, so soft when it’s almost whispering and his cold body (from just being outside about three minutes ago) is sending shivers down on Soonyoung’s spine, and the poor guy is frozen in place because he’s pathetic like that. Everyone would be, he thinks, and it’s true.

“N-n-no, I was just. Uhm. Going to pee!” Soonyoung says after what seems to be a long time as he pulls away, “I-I’ll go now! Good night Jihoon!” He rushes off to the bathroom, its door closing with a loud thud .

Oh, Mingyu.

Soonyoung understands, alright.

Soonyoung surely understands, this admiration for Jihoon.

In fact so much so that he’s got a half-hard on, merely at the thought of simply Jihoon.

Soonyoung would usually just sit on the couch of Jihoon’s studio whenever he hangs out there; Jihoon writing or producing or whatever and Soonyoung either watching a video or scrolling through social media. It’s a routine that has fallen quite naturally after many, many years, and it’s a pleasant one, just them doing their own things in the presence of each other.

But.

Today it seems Soonyoung has other plans, because instead of scrolling through Instagram he’s on a swivel chair almost beside Jihoon, watching him work.

Looking at Jihoon’s hands, in particular.

The way his slender and pale fingers look on the dimmed neon lighting, as they press on the keys of the digital piano, producing beautiful notes (too bad Soonyoung is too engrossed on something else to hear), and the way he clicks on his computer’s keyboard is unbelievably fast and skillful and they’re so smooth and.

How nice would it be to hold them? Silly Soonyoung, he’s held these hands many times before, in choreographies or when he’s teasing, but he wishes he had thought about how they felt more when he had the chance to. The other night the way Jihoon gripped his waist felt strangely nice, and Soonyoung tries his best to stop thinking about it, but he just can’t.

How would it feel if Jihoon held him in different places? His cold fingers in contact with Soonyoung’s warmth, his fingers holding Soonyoung’s wrists, or maybe his shoulders, cheeks, neck, thigh—

“Why are you here?” Jihoon says but not looking at him, breaking Soonyoung from his reverie.

“Huh?” Soonyoung purses his lips. “It’s… It’s nothing! I was just. Bored. Don’t mind me!”

“Bored?” Jihoon stops working, looks at Soonyoung. “You’ll get more bored if you just watch me.”

“What are you saying? This is… fun! I’m really interested… how you do everything… you’re so.” Soonyoung clenches his fist, tries not to think so obscenely, “skilled, Jihoon-ah.”

Jihoon raises an eyebrow, looking at the screen and back to Soonyoung. “… Do you want to give it a try?”

“Huh?”

“I can help you make some beats.”

“Huh?! No, it’s alright…! You know I’m no good with this type of stuff…”

Jihoon shrugs. “Everyone starts somewhere.” He moves aside, pulling Soonyoung beside him, so now Soonyoung is right in front of the computer.

“You press that to record with the mic, and you press this to record with the connected piano— no, don’t press that, that speeds up the entire track - not that one either -“ Jihoon sighs at the sight of Soonyoung just pressing random buttons. “Here, let me help you.”

Jihoon stands up, leans over and extends his arms, trapping Soonyoung, who is now fitting to be called a rock rather than a living human being. It gets worse, and oh my god it gets worse, because Jihoon puts his hand atop Soonyoung’s on the mouse and his ears are red, and really he doesn’t know if this is a reward by the heavens or a punishment.

He’s so hyperaware of everything Jihoon does, Jihoon’s head just beside his ears as he moves around the mouse doing god knows what, and his face heats up at a record-breaking pace. His mind is taking him to many different places he cannot say.

“Do you get it?” Jihoon asks, and Soonyoung realizes he’s been out of it for much long than he’d like to admit. He nods; the last thing he wants is to disappoint Jihoon.

“Yeah, yeah I get it.” He lies. 

Jihoon nods. “Alright. You can try it yourself -“ Jihoon furrows his eyebrows when he looks at Soonyoung. “Are you alright? Are you feeling sick?”

“What…?”

Jihoon puts his hand over Soonyoung’s forehead. “You’re not that hot, but you’re red, so maybe you’re just about to come down with a fever.”

“Uhm, uh…” 

“I think it might be better to go back to the apartment.” Jihoon sighs, standing up straight. “Go home and rest. I’ll be home in an hour or two. I’ll buy some Kool Fever and medicine on the way, just in case.”

Soonyoung nods slowly. He’s not sick, horny if anything, but Jihoon’s always been overly worried like this in all the silent ways anyway, so Soonyoung just accepts.

“Okay… Okay,” Soonyoung says, stands up and walks over to the couch to grab his bag. “I’ll get going.”

Jihoon looks at him for a while. “Will you be okay on the way home?”

“Yeah! Don’t worry.” Soonyoung says, “It’s not like I’m sick sick anyway.”

“But -“ Jihoon sighs. “Alright, sure, whatever.”

And if Soonyoung goes to bed every night thinking of Jihoon’s hands holding his and roaming all over his body after that day, then that’s none of anyone’s business.

“Jihoon…” Soonyoung mutters, whispers - no, moans, in desperation more than anything, to feel more, to feel everything Jihoon is willing to provide.

“Hm?” Jihoon hums, almost teasing, in between his kisses on Soonyoung’s neck, eager and with fervor, sucking and biting on areas where he knows Soonyoung would feel best. It’s sure to leave marks the next day, and it arouses Soonyoung even more.

Jihoon is touching him all over, fingertips trying to be as gentle as possible but Soonyoung knows the man is just as turned on, only holding back because he knows it will all pay off later. Soonyoung is on Jihoon’s lap, bodies flushed together, and Jihoon’s hand is on the inside of his boxers, squeezing his ass. Soonyoung’s body is on fire, tightening his grip on Jihoon’s neck with his arms.

“Jihoon…” he could only muster, hopes that the message goes through.

“Soonyoung,” Jihoon whispers, turns Soonyoung even more. Jihoon leaves him a slow and tender peck. “Do you want to go all the way?”

Soonyoung purses his lips before replying.

Soonyoung wakes up wide-eyed, panting, sweating and a hard-on inside his sweatpants. He hopes it will go away, but it doesn’t, so he makes a quick trip to the bathroom, feeling guilty that he’s doing it at the thought of Jihoon, his touch, his voice, his being.

He also feels guilty that despite feeling guilty, he feels extremely, greatly aroused at his imaginations.

And so now he’s really done it. A wet dream. Jihoon. His best buddy. Since when did he start feeling this way about him? In hindsight this was all Mingyu’s fault. He really shouldn’t have told Soonyoung any of that. Soonyoung shouldn’t have listened either, and he doubts Mingyu would ever expect that would lead to this, so maybe it’s his own fault after all.

Soonyoung sighs, fixing himself and washing his face after. He gets a good slapping with his own hand too, his cheeks slightly swollen when he gets out of the bathroom.

And as if fate is really dedicated in fucking him up, he sees Jihoon in the kitchen half-naked, and Jihoon’s seriously gotta stop walking around half-naked all the damn time - how was Soonyoung able to bare with this for so long? What about decency and respect for others? Does this man know the gravity of his actions towards the pitiful others?

Soonyoung is dead set on ignoring him, trying to rush back to his room, because the last thing he wants is to converse with the subject of his masturbation just about two minutes ago, and yet.

“Soonyoung, you’re up.” Jihoon looks at him, transferring the eggs he just cooked on the plate. “Come eat. I made extra.”

“N-n-no, I… I’m still sleepy, so…” Soonyoung scratches his nape.

Jihoon places the eggs on the table. “It’s been a while since we ate at this table together.”

“Uh, well, i-it’s because you’re always at the studio… and, we… we eat out sometimes, anyway, or get, uhm, food delivered at the studio, so…”

Jihoon sighs. “Alright. Whatever,” he sits down and starts filling up his plate, the plate across him left empty.

Soonyoung bites his lips, lets go when it starts to hurt, then sighs. He sits across Jihoon, starts to fill the empty plate.

Jihoon scoffs, takes a bite.

“It’s because you were so insistent, so…” Soonyoung starts to eat as well, looking at all places except Jihoon and his sinful appearance, and wow, the fridge looks exceptionally shiny today.

“I said alright.”

“Well, it’s… it’s because it’s rare that you’re… you’re asking first.”

Jihoon shrugs, continues eating. He looks at Soonyoung, whose head is hung low as he takes big bites, practically inhaling the food. Just to get done with this as soon as possible, really.

“Slow down, Young. You’re going to choke on your food.”

“It’s just. It’s delicious,” he says, words muffled, mouth full.

“It’s just rice, eggs, and bacon.”

Soonyoung swallows down the food. He’s still not looking at him. “You cooked. You don’t cook much.”

Jihoon laughs. “What does that mean? It’s delicious because I made it?”

Soonyoung coughs, chokes over nothing really. “No… Not like that! Just…”

Jihoon looks at Soonyoung as he takes a spoonful of food. “Why aren’t you looking at me?”

“Uh…” Soonyoung stands up, holding his plate. “I’m done! Thank you for the food!” He puts the plate in the sink and bolts out the kitchen, going back to his room in a hurry.

Jihoon looks at Soonyoung as he basically escapes him like a madman, and he could only wonder what in the hell’s making the man act this way.

Okay so these wet dreams have got to stop happening because Soonyoung’s been unable to speak and look at Jihoon directly and it’s already been two weeks.

He tries to stop it. At this point he’s tried everything. He watches funny videos. He thinks a monster is living under his bed. He watches a documentary on cryptocurrency. He deepdives on the oppression women face in workforce, and he goes to sleep and suddenly him and Jihoon are fucking. 

And so he tries, and he really really does, but Soonyoung is but a simple man, and what else can a simple man do when he sees a sexy man everyday, either wearing a shirt that is one wash away from bursting or not wearing a shirt at all? On some days Jihoon wears this really short shorts too, a huge chunk of his upper thighs and the outline of his ass to be viewed by the world, and Soonyoung swallows the saliva pooling on his mouth whenever he stares at Jihoon, so, so beautiful in all places.

And sometimes his dick twitches and his heart starts throbbing loudly all at the same time, and he doesn’t even want to try thinking about the fact that he likes him. Liking Jihoon is undoubtedly a hundred times worse than having the hots for him.

And this is wrong, so, so wrong, but at this point Soonyoung is long past thinking logically and is now just impulsively doing whatever that would save him out of his misery (or pleasure, depending on how you look at it) - and apparently for Soonyoung this means avoiding Jihoon like the goddamn plague.

He’s gone from minimizing his visits to Jihoon’s studio to now not visiting at all. Whenever the group’s together, he sits on the opposite side instead of usually clinging onto him. He only converses to him when necessary, replying with as few words as possible or else he’ll just be a stuttering mess. They live together, so it’s impossible to completely avoid him, but Soonyoung is so dedicated to this game he’s playing that he comes out of his room exactly when he knows Jihoon isn’t around.

Perhaps it’s Soonyoung’s last-ditch desperation that’s making him do this, so as to not feel guilty than he already is (which is practically enough that it’s eating him up) and also because he knows that being close with Jihoon like he usually does would just fuel his thoughts. And perhaps his feelings.

He doesn’t know how long he can keep this up, but that’s a problem future Soonyoung would have to face.

Jihoon Lee:
Are you free?

Mingyu Kim:
I’m not going to the gym with you
It’s 10 PM hyung

Jihoon Lee:
I don’t want to go alone

Mingyu Kim:
Soonyoung hyung?

Jihoon Lee:
I’m not sure

Mingyu Kim:
?
What do you mean?
Are you guys fighting?
I have been noticing he hasn’t been clinging to you as usual these past few days…

Jihoon Lee:
We’re not fighting
I think.

Mingyu Kim:
You think?

Jihoon Lee:
I don’t know.
I don’t think I did anything wrong
He just suddenly started avoiding me
He doesn’t hang out at the studio anymore
I live with him yet I can’t even see him in our own home
It’s annoying me

Mingyu Kim:
Wow I didn’t know it was this bad
It must be tough for you

Jihoon Lee:
Damn it is
Honestly I don’t know what to do
When I try to talk he runs away
Damn Hoshi

Mingyu Kim:
I don’t know hyung but you really gotta find a way.
You need to be more forceful
Or else nothing will happen

Jihoon Lee:
I’m not sure forcing him would be a good idea Mingoo
He might hate me more
That’s the last thing I want to do

Mingyu Kim:
And be avoided by your crush forever?

Jihoon Lee:
Okay let’s not go there

Mingyu Kim:
LMAO

Soonyoung checks the clock, 7PM, and figures Jihoon has most likely left the apartment to go to the studio. But he’s proven wrong when he opens his door only to see Jihoon in the living room, silently watching TV. He’s about to close the door when Jihoon looks at him. 

“I got you something,” Soonyoung can’t quite place the tone of Jihoon’s voice and his look on his face - he’s never seen this expression on Jihoon before.

“Just put it on the table,” Soonyoung says, and how truly pathetic, “I’ll get it later.”

“You’ll like it.”

“… Alright. I’ll get it later. I’m going to take a nap, so—”

“You’ll really like it,” now this is a tone Soonyoung knows - unrelenting, almost scary. Stern. Jihoon is giving an order more than it is a request.

Soonyoung just nods, his heartbeat quickening as he sits beside Jihoon on the couch. Really he doesn’t know when the extreme horniness turned to pining, at this point all the lines were blurry. Soonyoung doubts there’s even a line separating the two from the very start.

On Jihoon’s lap were two stuffed animals, a cat and a tiger, wearing clothes that look oddly familiar.

“Here,” Jihoon hands him the tiger plushie, “I was at the mall. I saw a build-a-bear. I didn’t even know there was a build-a-bear in Korea.”

Soonyoung looks at the plushie, then to Jihoon, then to the plushie, grabbing it with two hands. “For… me?”

“Yeah,” Jihoon says, and perhaps Soonyoung isn’t hearing right, because he swears he can hear a hint of nervousness in his voice. “I know you have Tam Tam, but… I just figured you’d like it. If you don’t then that’s alright.”

“No, no, I like it…” Soonyoung looks at the tiger, then to Jihoon, then to Jihoon’s lap, “… and the cat…?”

“Oh,” Jihoon strokes the cat plushie, what the hell he’s stroking a cat plushie, “It’s mine.”

“… You?” Soonyoung asked, confused. “A plushie?”

Jihoon nods. “I think it’s cute. The employee insisted I have them wear clothes, so I dressed them up like us…”

Soonyoung is wide-eyed now, kind of thinking he’s dreaming, and kind of feeling that his heart is about to burst out of his chest. He’s staring at the plushies back and forth, unsure of what to say.

“… Is it strange?”

“What? No, no! Just.” Soonyoung smiles shyly. “It’s kind of like we’re matching.”

Jihoon looks at the plushies, nods. “Yeah… Yeah. I guess we are. In a way.”

Soonyoung smiles widely, solely focused on the fact that it was the first time Jihoon would admit something like this. “They’re like our children.”

“Our… our children…?” Soonyoung would expect Jihoon to glare at him for saying something mischievous like that, but instead Jihoon smiles, chuckles. “I guess they are. Yeah. They are our children.”

Soonyoung chuckles as well. “So what should we name our children?” He moves closer to Jihoon, so the plushies are right next to each other. “We can try to search up some names, let’s see… Or maybe we can just give them based on our names, since they look like us. What do you think, Ji?”

Soonyoung turns to Jihoon, only to find the man staring straight at him. “Ji…?”

Jihoon shakes his head. “It’s nothing. It’s just.”

“Just?”

“Just,” Jihoon smiles, eyes deep and pretty, staring at Soonyoung. “I’m really glad to have you back.”

Soonyoung freezes in place. So Jihoon had noticed it too. Of course he would notice, dumbass, and when Soonyoung thinks about it perhaps Jihoon did all this as an attempt to make things right between them. There was never anything wrong, anyway, it was a problem with Soonyoung and Soonyoung only, and somehow Soonyoung feels bad that he made Jihoon feel this way.

Soonyoung smiles.

“Yeah. I’m glad to be back, too.”

Soonyoung is always desperate for Jihoon’s touch. Soonyoung wants his affection too, and it’s something he’s realizing just now. These are things that will both never change, and he should feel guilty, but it’s whatever, because he really, really missed Jihoon so damn much, and he’d rather bask in this pleasant moment forever more than anything else.