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“It’s you.”
Billy barely notices the time pass. Or the knock on the door, and how Rod got up to open it. Or the doctor coming in and politely asking him to let go of Daisy, so he could properly work on her. He’s too damn focused on holding that girl’s body in his arms, holding onto the glimpse of life she had shown him with those two words and that soft look in her mesmerizing eyes. Those eyes. Damn them and how they drove him insane.
That glimpse was gone now, it went away right after she closed her eyes and he was doing his fucking best not to panic again. He had to keep it together.
Life doesn’t feel real. How could it? This day started like any other ordinary one. This morning, Daisy was breathing and walking and ignoring him and rolling her eyes at any mention of his name or the mere sound of his voice. Just like all of the other days of that week, and the week before. It bothered him way more than it probably should, and had hurt him way more than he realized. Even if he’d have realized, he’d never let it show. He couldn’t. This was their game now. Either way, it didn’t matter - or, at least, that’s what he was trying to convince himself of - all of that wasn’t unusual. It was just like every other day on this goddamn tour. Eddie was bitching about something, as usual, Warren couldn’t wait to get laid, Graham was boasting about his recently "outed" relationship with Karen, and, the last time he checked in with Cami, she and Julia were going to the beach and Jules rambled to him on the phone all about how much she was excited to look for pretty shells and how she’d make sure to pick up some good ones for him.
Everything was fine. Daisy was fine.
Except… she wasn’t. She hadn’t been fine for a while now. She had been using so fucking much and he didn’t know what to do about it - or if he had the right to do something at all. It’s not like they were in a friendly place. They’d been so mad at each other these past months and he was convinced she fucking hated him at that point, so him talking to her would be of no use. And everyone else seemed to think it wasn’t any of their business, including her husband who chose to pick up a fight with Billy instead of taking his concerns seriously.
Sure, he could have been a bit nicer. But he wouldn’t do that courtesy to a snob who kept encouraging his addicted wife to use every single day, who apparently didn’t care that the light was fading from her face and her eyes, that she was barely eating, that she kept tripping up on stage and mixing up her own lyrics. So Billy didn’t owe him anything at all, especially not a polite approach on this matter. Nicky could handle his accusatory tone. He sure as hell deserved it.
Or maybe that was his jealousy talking and deep down he was simply coming from a place of blind rage towards the guy. Either way, it didn’t matter then and it certainly doesn’t matter now. He didn’t go after Nicky out of hate towards him, he did it out of… care. Towards Daisy. All that mattered was Daisy. Her performance, but, more importantly, her health and her safety.
All that ever mattered was Daisy.
“Hey, man” Rod softly approaches him, getting Billy out of his own thoughts. “Let the doctor take a look at her.”
He didn’t notice until then how tightly he was grabbing her body. He softens his grip, while the doctor mumbles an “Excuse me” and starts analyzing her.
After a few minutes, during which Billy kept trying to steady his breathing and calm himself down as much as possible, the doctor gets up and tells him and Rod to “hold on” while calling for an ambulance.
“Yes. I did as much as I could, but she's still in a very delicate situation, someone probably needs to keep an eye on her vitals, blood levels-”
“Wait, what-”
“It’s just for prevention” reassures the doctor, while turning around to face Billy and covering the phone with his hand. “No, the patient is still unconscious. She’s breathing on her own, but barely. I can't tell her body temperature precisely, but it's still a bit low and I think you might want to-”
It hits him. They were going to have to take Daisy to a hospital. She was actually going to be hospitalized, her body was going to lay on a small bed, filled with needles. He is flushed with the feeling of heartbreak.
And she still wasn’t waking up.
For a moment, Billy started to wonder if he’d imagine it. If Daisy opening her eyes, looking up at him and mumbling what she did were a mere product of his imagination. Wishful thinking. If she has been unconscious this whole time and his brain just made that short moment up to ease his pain a little bit. To make him believe that she was going to be okay.
He looks down at her, eyes filling with tears and his grip around her pale body tightening once again.
…
You used to captivate me by your resonating light
Now, I'm bound by the life you left behind
Your face - it haunts my once pleasant dreams
Your voice - it chased away all the sanity in me
"Rod?? What the hell happened-" Warren asks as soon as he bursts into the hospital's waiting room, along with the rest of the band. All of them look frightened and confused, taking turns between looking at Rod with an anxious anticipation for an answer and at him with something quite close to pity. Billy didn't even notice when Rod called them, and he doesn't look up to acknowledge their presence. He just keeps staring at a blank space on the floor. And waiting.
He can hear Rod mumbling something indistinguishable to them. Karen answers something. Eddie starts making questions. Or maybe he doesn't. None of the sounds are coming out much clearly, his hearing feels muffled.
His whole life feels muffled.
"What did she take?"
"Where's Nicky?"
"Wait, where is she right now?"
Too many questions. This isn't helping him to calm down, and he needs the anxiety and the fear and the panic to stop. He has to get out of there. He has to...
Oh, God.
He has to go and have a drink.
"Billy?"
He looks up, freaked out by his own thoughts. Karen is right in front of him, gently caressing his shoulder and giving him a concerned look.
"I'm sorry, I-" he says, getting up.
"What do you need, man?" Graham quickly approaches him.
If they are acting so neighborly and gently because they're aware of his true feelings for Daisy or simply because they know he was the one who found her, it doesn't really matter.
"I think I'm just gonna... go over there" he quietly says and walks away.
After the ambulance arrived and they took her, along with the two of them as companion to the patient, another doctor told them that, fortunately, the drugs were out of her system and everything should be fine, but it'd take some time for her body to readjust, especially since it appeared like she hasn't eaten a proper meal in a while. They'd like to keep her there for a while for observation, to monitor her body temperature and give her some fluids.
Hearing that relieved a lot of his worry, and he felt grateful. He really did. But he still couldn't bring himself to relax. It was too much. The only thing he was able to do is sit on a chair and stare at the floor silently. Trying to process all of it. Trying to come to terms with the fact that someone he loved almost died, and also with how much he actually loved this particular someone. Waiting for when he'll be able to see her.
Until now. Until the rest of them arrived, asking questions and making him realize once more what happened. What's still happening.
All of it just feels so absurd.
Before he realizes what's happening, tears are once again blurring his vision and he's slowly sliding down, his back supported on a wall of a random hallway.
And Karen is once again right next to him, only this time she doesn't say anything. She doesn't have to. She just sits on the floor with him, and, surprisingly, he doesn't mind. He doesn't want to be comforted by all of them, as much as he appreciates the concern. He had always convinced himself he was quite good at handling things on his own, so it wouldn't be the first time he hides from everyone. And he certainly doesn't feel like crying in front of Eddie Roundtree. But for some reason Karen brought a sense of comfort to him and their friendship was always sort of different. There was some sort of mutual respect there since the very beginning. She wasn't one of his little brother's high school friends. So he doesn't mind at all that she followed him, or that now she's pulling him closer and giving him a side hug.
They sit in silence as Karen runs her hand through his arm, in an attempt to comfort him, and Billy ponders about life. The meaning of it. And death. How quickly it can change everything.
And love.
Love.
How the hell did things end up unraveling so badly between him and Daisy? In one day, they were working together on "No Words", driving around in his car, sharing smiles and glances and confessions in front of the ocean. In a matter of a couple days, they were yelling at each other on the top of a mountain over a million things. Her missing a day of work without any warning, him kissing her, his marriage, what she told Jonah Berg... And it only got worse and worse after she disappeared for a month and returned with a freaking husband, who seemed to have appeared out of thin air. At that point she was also mad about the article, so there were plenty of things they could argue about. And that's what they did. It was slowly and secretly killing him, since deep down the only thing he wanted was to take all of that energy of when they were performing on stage and also applying it to when they were not. He wanted to make amends with her. He wanted to talk to her, wanted her to apologize for breaking his trust, to explain why she did it, and also wanted to apologize to her himself. It's what he was looking forward to doing since the day he knocked on her hotel room and she was long gone. He was sick of fighting. He only wanted their friendship and connection and inside jokes and little happy moments back. He wanted her back. He wanted to celebrate how far they'd come with her, to enjoy every single second of the tour by her side. But she didn't want any of that. She was too mad at him, so they ended up sticking to fighting and hating each other. If only he had put his pride aside...
It sinks in, how much he misses her. How much, despite all of her childish tantrums, her lack of sense of how to act with the press and her reckless behavior, he loves her. His wife can't know about this, and she doesn't have to know. No one does. But it's the truth that emerged as soon as he laid eyes on her lifeless body in that shower floor. And now... he doesn't know what to do with it.
It was easier to pretend that he couldn't stand her when all of his feelings were blurry, but now all of them are flowing like a mountain stream.
What is he supposed to do with all this pain? Where is he supposed to put all of this love?
He doesn't know.
So he finally breaks down.
...
These wounds won't seem to heal, this pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase
When you cried, I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream, I'd fight away all of your fears
"Hey, guys..." Rod approaches them carefully, a doctor behind him. "The doctor said you can go see her now."
He has no idea of how much time has passed, for how long he wept while Karen ran her hand through his back. He and Karen both get up immediately.
"How is she?" Karen asks, her hand still placed on Billy's back.
"She hasn't woken up yet, but they ran some tests and it appears like she's doing pretty well," he calmly answers with a little soft smile.
"That's good, that's good news" she slightly gives them a smile as well, before turning to Billy. "Hey, would you rather go see her first or do you need some time?"
"No, no, I'll go. Thank you, Karen."
She silently nods and walks away accompanied by Rod.
Billy sighs and follows the doctor down another hallway. His heart starts racing. He can't wait to see her, even if she's still asleep.
When he enters the room, he immediately stops. The vision of Daisy asleep is both adorable and gut wrenching, in these specific circumstances.
Slowly, Billy comes up closer to her bed and pulls a stool that was placed nearby. He takes his time just looking at her. He has felt heartbroken and with his breath taken away while admiring her before - almost every night when she sang "Two Against Three" on the stage, if he's being honest - but it doesn't compare to the feeling he's experiencing at the moment. Not in the slightest.
"Daisy" he softly mumbles and can't help but pick up her hand and hold it between both of his own. "I'm sorry. I'm so..."
When he feels his eyes watering for the millionth time today, he doesn't fight it. Instead, he allows himself to feel it once more. And to tell her.
"Look, I- I know we've been fighting. I know I've said some things and, truth be told, I only found you in that shower floor only because I was coming up to your room to quick you out of the band. We've been in a bad place for months now and I'm still trying to wrap my mind around how the hell I let all of this happen.
But... I love you.
Part of me likes to think that, if you were awake right now, you'd give me that funny look and that full of yourself smile, and tell me 'No shit'. But part of me knows that's not what would happen. I've been avoiding it for months, denying it, and maybe I even ended up convincing you that it was all about the music. Well, it wasn't. It's not. But maybe after all of that you don't think I feel anything for you besides lust and anger. Which would be my fault, and it sucks. Because I do, Daisy. It's kind of pathetic. I feel so many things for you that it literally drives me insane - things I know I shouldn't feel. Like you said all that time ago - deep down I'm a guy who wants things that he shouldn't. Touché. At this point you know me probably better than I know myself, so you can attest to the fact that you were right. Since the very beginning, you were right. Don't let it get to your head, though.
I did fall in love with you, Daisy. I'm not sure how or when it happened, but it did. And now I think about you too much. I care about you too much, even when I don't want to. I care if you're mad at me, I care about your stupid marriage, I care if you're looking at me on stage or not, if you need me of if you don't at all, if you still feel that electric pull between us, if you still think I'm the most talented person you've ever met. But, more than anything, I care about your safety. If you're okay.
And I'm sick of fighting, Dais. So this is my shitty attempt of offering an apology, and a surrender. A white flag, if you'll take it.
Actually... scratch that. I know you're mad. Trust me, I do. So just come back and fucking yell at me. Call me names. Push me against walls and scream in my face about how infuriating and how much of a liar I am. Sing your goddamn Look At Us Now a hundred more times. Piss me off until my last breath if that's your wish. But please, please come back to me."
Billy lowers his head, resting his forehead on his hands, which are still holding her hand. He closes his eyes and breathes in and out, while taking in everything he just said out loud.
"You know what, we should turn that whole speech into a song."
Billy almost jumps at the sudden sound of that weak and familiar voice.
"Do you have a pen?" she teasingly asks, softly smiling.
"Oh my God, Daisy" he manages to mumble.
She's definitely awake, giving him that typical smirk of hers.
"Sorry. Did I scare you?"
He can't help but chuckle. They look at each other and both of them laugh for a second, just like they used to. It feels so fucking familiar and fills Billy's chest with so much joy that he feels like crying.
"How are you feeling?"
"Well, like I got run over by a truck" she gives him a sad smile. "...thank you, Billy."
"You don't have to thank me" Billy softly says.
Daisy smiles at him, tearing up. He takes in the image of her, so alive, for another minute, while giving her a soft smile and squeezing her hand, and then starts to get up. If he does so because he's feeling embarrassed after realizing she actually heard a good part of his speech or because he senses that she's feeling overwhelmed - or maybe a mix of both - he doesn't know. But, even though she doesn't seem to mind him being there as much as he thought she would, he's feeling a little awkward.
"I, uh- The others are out there and they really want to see you as well."
"Wait" she softly pleads, grabbing his hand. "Stay for a little longer."
So he does. He brings her a glass of water and a light snack, they talk for a bit, make jokes and appreciate each other's presence for a little while. Just like before. Like nothing changed between them at all during those months on tour. (But... it did. Nothing will stay the same after this fateful night.) It's surely a nice contrast to their last interactions.
Later on, he lets other people come see her too, which ends up making Daisy feel genuinely touched by all of the love, by the realization of the importance she has in those lives and how they're her family.
Would you look at that... the lonely girl from California finally found herself a family.
A couple hours later, everybody except Billy leaves to go back to the hotel, while he tries to get some rest after staying awake the whole night. He falls asleep on a chair next to the hospital's bed.
Daisy looks out of the window. The sun is starting to rise. The world is waking up, getting ready to start again, and so is she.
She has been through hell, but she feels like she's finally at the other side of it now. It surely left bruises, and she knows the healing isn't over. Not at all. There's still so much to deal with, so much to overcome, so much that she has to fix. Starting with her friendship with Simone.
But at least now she feels like she can breathe again.
She softly sighs, reaching for Billy's hand to hold it, and quietly offers him a confession of her own.
"I love you too."