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Everything was crumbling down right in front of him, running through his fingers like sand, and Hongjoong could do nothing about it but watch it happen.
His mother knew Seonghwa. Not too well, but the little bit she always knew about all of Hongjoong’s closest friends. She knew what he looked like, and little tales about him that Hongjoong had told her here and there.
However, it had still seemed like a good idea when Hongjoong asked Seonghwa to pretend to be his christmas date to his mother. He wasn't a total stranger to her, but also wasn't someone who was close to her like Wooyoung was. A name familiar enough for her to not question Hongjoong about how come I never heard of this man before?
The problem lay in the fact that Hongjoong had underestimated just how much she actually knew about Seonghwa.
Because, apparently, Hongjoong talked about him way more often than he thought.
It was the evening of christmas eve, they were sitting on the couch in the living room of his mother's house, and everything was going oh so very well, until Hongjoong spotted a mischievous glint in his mother's eyes. He knew he wouldn't like what would come next, but he still wasn't prepared for it.
“I'm really glad you're here, Seonghwa-yah,” her voice didn't sound any different but Hongjoong still set up straighter, leaning forward to be able to see both Seonghwa and his own mother, who was sitting between the two of them. She slowly flipped through the pages of the old album of Hongjoong's childhood photos that she had on her lap, without ever stopping long enough for any of them to actually see the pictures, “Hongjoong talks so much about you, I am very happy I am getting to know you more.”
Seonghwa's eyes shone and a smile appeared on his face. And Hongjoong thoughht: oh, oh no.
Hongjoong watched, a little hopeless, as he glanced in his direction with amusement before looking back to his mother.
“Really?”
She hummed and Hongjoong rubbed his palms up and down the jeans covering his thighs.
“He told me he liked boys when he was a teenager, but he never really talked about any boy until he started talking about you.”
Hongjoong closed his eyes and groaned.
“Mom, please.”
“It's okay, it's okay” she said very absentmindedly, giving little pats to Hongjoong's knee before speaking to Seonghwa once again, “of course he didn't say he liked you, but it was ‘Seonghwa this and Seonghwa that’ whenever he came to visit.”
Hongjoong let himself fall against the backrest of the couch and covered his face with an arm, feeling his cheeks burn. Did he really talk this much about him? His first instinct was to tell himself his mother was exaggerating only to embarrass him in front of the first boy he ever brought home — a non-Wooyoung boy, that is.
But the more he thought about it, the more memories came back to him.
“Seonghwa told me about this movie, so I thought we could watch it.”
“Yeah, it was Seonghwa's recommendation.”
“Seonghwa? Yeah he's really pretty, isn't he? Kinda like a prince.”
“Hwa's birthday is next month, what should I give to him, Mom? He gave me this really awesome ring for my birthday, I need to come up with something nice too.”
Jesus christ , Hongjoong thought to himself. He had accepted months ago that he had feelings for his friend, but he had always thought he hid them well. Or at least well enough for his own mother not to see it.
He was just now going through the mortifying realizarion that he was obviously wrong.
“I just knew he had a crush when, a little while ago, his phone rang and instead of complaining like he always does, he smiled all big and cute when he saw who it was. I looked down, too, and it was your name on it.”
She giggled very gleefully at the same time Hongjoong felt his stomach sinking as he remembered that day, and he was sure Seonghwa did as well, because phone calls weren't all that common between them. But Seonghwa had been waiting for the company he interviewed for to call him back and Hongjoong had been so sure he would get the job that he immediately knew the call meant good news (and he had been right).
“I'm really happy he had the courage to ask you out. It's just us two, you know, and I am always worried he's too lonely. Even though I know he had friends, I've always wanted him to know romantic love, too.”
And she was quite pushy about it, the reason why Hongjoong was in this situation to begin with.
Seonghwa didn't say anything. It's been a while since he spoke up, and Hongjoong didn't have the courage, as ironically as it was after what his mother said, to look at him. He was afraid of what he was going to see on Seonghwa's face.
“Well,” her intonation was the one she used when she was done talking about whatever topic she had been going on about, but Hongjoong didn't feel any bit of relief. He heard the noise of the photo album being shut close before he felt his mother standing up from the couch. “I already took too much of your time. I still have to get some things for dinner, so I will let you boys be for a while. It's Christmas, after all, you deserve some alone time.”
She must have seen Hongjoong's position with his arm trying to hide how embarrassed he was, because she giggled and patted the top of his head. He didn't move at all until he heard the noise of the front door opening and closing. And even then, he remained quiet, not knowing what to even say now that he was alone with Seonghwa.
He didn't know how long they were frozen in place, in complete silence. His brain was already working overdrive with all the terrible scenarios that it was creating — about how he and Seonghwa would be too awkward to keep their friendship — when he finally heard the sound of Seonghwa clearing his throat.
With a groan, Hongjoong pulled his arm down with a sigh, only to lean forward to rest his elbows on his knees before hiding his face in both his hands.
“Please, don't.”
His voice was so low, he wasn't sure if it even reached Seonghwa. But if it did, he was completely ignored.
“I-I, uh. One time, I wondered if you could feel something for me,” Seonghwa started and Hongjoong shut his eyes even tighter. He just wanted this moment to be over already, “but I thought I was just looking too much into things.”
And just like that, Hongjoong knew it would be fruitless to deny it. To laugh it off and say his mother was just trying to embarrass him. Because Seonghwa had already seen it, Hongjoong's reaction had been obvious enough.
And he didn't want to deny it. Hongjoong had never, not even once, denied his feelings. And he didn't feel like denying it to Seonghwa's face. One thing was to never tell him, another completely different was to lie through his teeth and say he felt nothing for Seonghwa.
He buried the fingers of both his hands into his hair, closing his fingers around the dry strands and pulling at it, undoubtedly messing up the blond locks beyond repair, before finally lowering his hands and looking at Seonghwa.
Seonghwa’s face was also red. Nowhere near as blazing as Hongjoong’s, but it was there. His eyes were wide, round, and shining like the damn stars in the sky.
Hongjoong almost hit himself to keep his focus on the situation at hand. Things were already bad enough without losing his train of thought due to Seonghwa’s annoying ass sparkling eyes.
He shook his head and licked his lips, feeling his mouth uncomfortably dry.
“Just. Can’t we just forget about it?”
Seonghwa frowned.
“I don’t wanna forget,” his voice was unsure but soon Seonghwa tightened his hands into fists, sounding more sure of himself the next time he spoke, “we need to talk about this, Hongjoong-ah.”
“Well, I don’t want to.” Ignoring how petulant he sounded, Hongjoong stood up from the couch so fast that he almost tripped and fell over. Seonghwa quickly jumped up as well, reaching out to steady Hongjoong. But he raised his hand before Seonghwa could actually touch him. “I need some water.”
Without looking at Seonghwa or waiting for his reply, Hongjoong speed walked to the kitchen. He hoped he wouldn't be followed because he really needed some time alone to lick his wounds.
But a hand closed around his wrist and Hongjoong was held back right when he was under the threshold of the door leading to the kitchen. He looked up at Seonghwa's face on instinct and immediately regretted it.
He didn't feel well enough, calm enough, to be as physically close to Seonghwa as he was at that moment. Close enough to feel the scent of Seonghwa’s perfume, the warm vanilla that still lingered on him almost making Hongjoong lightheaded.
His heart was beating so fast he could hear it in his ears, and Hongjoong could do nothing but look up into Seonghwa's eyes, waiting for whatever he had to say.
He hoped it wouldn't be rejection; but at the same time, he tried not to give himself false hope. The mix of expectation and dejection doing flips in his chest made him almost feel sick.
“There's a mistletoe.”
Everything halted, all the inner turmoil and confusing feelings giving him a break due to how random the statement was. A couple of seconds was needed for Hongjoong to fully understand what Seonghwa meant. He blinked his eyes a couple of times and then frowned.
“What?”
Seonghwa looked up and Hongjoong followed his gaze, finally seeing the damn mistletoe his mother hand hung on there, heavens knew when.
Hongjoong sighed and shook his head.
“It's just mom being, uh. Being mom,” he forced himself to laugh and he almost choked on it, “just ignore it.”
Seonghwa shook his head and Hongjoong froze.
“I am tired of ignoring it.”
And that's all the warning Hongjoong had before Seonghwa let go of his wrist, moving his hands up to hold Hongjoong's face between both of them. He angled Hongjoong's head up and kissed him on the lips.
Hongjoong didn't close his eyes, didn’t relax into the kiss. He stood there, frozen in place as his brain — and heart — tried to comprehend what was happening.
Seonghwa was kissing him. On the mouth. Without anyone around to see them.
His heart started beating really fast again, but now for a whole different reason, a rush of happiness filling Hongjoong's chest.
Seonghwa pulled away and frowned down at Hongjoong's face.
“Hongjoong? Did I get it wrong?”
His voice was weak, on the verge of breaking, and Hongjoong finally brushed off whatever trance he had been under, quickly shaking his head in a no .
“No, no no no you didn't.”
He looped an arm around Seonghwa's waist and stood up on his tip toes, closing his eyes as soon as their lips met.
Seonghwa gasped into Hongjoong's mouth when he was pulled closer, and it only took him half a second to respond in kind, tilting his head to the side to deepen the kiss.
Hongjoong raised his free hand to Seonghwa's head, burying his fingers into the black strands and felt something inside himself burn when Seonghwa sighed.
He opened his eyes as Seonghwa moved back but Hongjoong didn't pull his hand away, shifting his fingers just to feel the black hair under his fingertips.
“I like you, too,” Seonghwa said in a rush, “thought you should know.”
Hongjoong nodded.
“Okay. Great. Amazing.”
And pulled Seonghwa back into another kiss.