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“Scrrrratch! Grrrrrounder!!” bellowed Doctor Robotnik.
“Yes, your vileness?” said the two badniks, who zoomed into the scene and stood attentive and ready.
“As you know, my ongoing deforestation project in the Mobian Jungle has recently been undermined by unseen assailants! After much research, I have concluded that my Clear-Cut-o’-Matics have closed in on the location of the elusive Chameleon Village.”
“You mean, the Chameleon Village that's known for being impossible to find?” said Scratch.
“The same one where the sneakiest ninjas in the world live?” added Grounder.
“Corrrrect! And if I can find that village, I can utilize their ninjutsu arts of invisibility to take over Mobius before anyone knows it!”
“Yeah, but uh… How are you gonna find it if it's invisible?” Grounder inquired.
“I'm glad you asked…”
Robotnik hit a button on his remote and lowered a large TV screen down from the ceiling.
“Apparently, the ninjas of Chameleon Village are big fans of a certain retired superhero by the name of Captain Rescue.”
“That washed up old guy?!” squawked Scratch.
“Indeed! He even stated as much in a recent interview!”
Robotnik activated the TV screen, playing footage of a news interview in which Captain Rescue was being asked about his fan base.
“So, even though you've been retired for years, is it true that you still have fans in all corners of the world?” the reporter asked, holding her mic up to the raccoon.
“Apparently so! I had no idea so many people still looked up to me. Why, even in the Chameleon Village! Can you believe it? I don't know how a village of secretive ninjas found out about my heroic exploits, but they're really big fans! They even invited me to meet them!”
The clip ended.
“So, what's the plan?” asked Scratch.
“Yeah, what's the plan?” added Grounder.
“Well, if you may recall, Captain Rescue happens to be a rather, er… trusting fellow. And he's also on Mobius Singles Over 40. So, I've been anonymously emailing him since last week under the guise of being his secret admirer…” Robotnik said with a snicker.
“Ooooh… What does that have to do with us?” asked Grounder.
“Well, because one of you two nincombots is going to be his secret admirer!” shouted Robotnik.
“Not it!” Grounder quickly said with a drill raised high.
“Not i-... D-oh!” said Scratch, realizing he was too slow. “Fine. Whaddaya need me to do?”
Robotnik wrung his hands while chuckling to himself, eager to set his plan into motion.
Scratch and Grounder approached a local cafe. Scratch was dressed head to talon in a fairly convincing disguise, featuring a slimming black dress, red high heels, and a long burgundy wig with a microphone attached to it that could've stood to be hidden a little better.
The robotic rooster scratched his head. “Ugh, could he have picked a wig that wasn't so itchy?! Also, do you think this dress makes me look fat?”
“Quiet down!” Grounder whispered, “He's right over there!”
Grounder pointed at the dejected looking Captain Rescue sitting at a table just outside the cafe.
“Now just do what Doctor Robotnik said, and if you need anything, call.”
“Alright, geez!” grumbled Scratch.
He walked over to the retired superhero in as elegant a manner he could, and cleared his throat before putting on a feminine - yet still characteristically raspy - inflection.
“E-hem… Are you Captain Rescue?”
“Why, yes I am. Who are you?”
“I'm your secret admirer!”
Captain Rescue's face lit up and he jumped up from his seat. “You're my secret admirer? How wonderful it is to finally meet you!” he said, holding out his hand.
Scratch briefly hesitated before taking the sweaty handshake from the portly racoon, then they both took a seat at the table.
“Madam, you have been the light of my life ever since you started sending me those lovely emails. I'm just so stunned that someone like yourself would see anything in a… Well, retired superhero.”
“Bwaha!” Scratch laughed, “… Yeah, well… What can I say, handsome then, handsome now!”
“Say, I don't think I got your name?”
“Oh, it's Scr- Scarlet! Yes, Scarlet's the name!”
“Scarlet…” he wistfully replied, ”That's a beautiful name. Now, if you don't mind me asking… How long exactly have you been admiring me for?”
“Oh… Er, at least a few… weeks?”
“Really, only a few weeks? So, my former superhero career wasn't too much of a factor?”
“No, not at all! Why, when I first set my sights on you…”
Scratch was struggling to come up with something convincing on the fly.
“You were, um, crossing the road, a-and uh…”
Scratch's phone began to ring.
“Oh! Excuse me for a moment.”
Scratched dashed out of immediate earshot of the raccoon and hissed into the phone. “I'm supposed to call you if I need anything, idiot! Not the other way around!”
“But, you're getting the details wrong! It's supposed to be two months ago, after seeing him defeat Robotnik and save Sonic!”
“Huh?? What details?!”
“The details in the emails Robotnik sent!”
“And read all that mushy stuff?! Eeyuck!!”
“B-but-”
“Look, this guy's so gullible, he'll believe anything I say! Don't call me again unless I call you!”
“So, call you, only after you call me once? Or should I-”
“DON'T CALL ME!!”
Scratch hung up.
The discussion was apparently heated enough that Captain Rescue noticed, as he walked up to Scratch.
“Something the matter?”
“Oh, you know… Pesky spam callers!” said Scratch, putting away the phone.
“Absolutely! Talk about annoying! Well, anyway… I was wondering, maybe you'd like to take a walk in the park with me?”
“Of course, I'd love to!”
The two were taking a stroll through the peaceful local park.
“Tell me more about yourself, I'd like to know everything!” Captain Rescue said, genuinely curious.
Scratch was genuinely starting to sweat.
“Oh, you don't wanna know about little ol’ me! What about you?”
“That's not true; I'm sure you know the basics about me, considering the whole ‘secret admirer’ thing. But you, I'm entirely in the dark about!”
“O-okay well, I'm just a city gal… I like shopping, long walks on the beach, talking with my girlfriends - You know…” Scratch bashfully flicked his wig with his hand, trying not to look nervous.
“Oh! And I'm obsessed with ninjas!” he blurted out in an attempt to quickly segway into the real reason he was doing this. “Why, it would be a dream come true to meet real life ninjas!”
“Really? What a coincidence! I recently found out that the most stealthy ninjas in the world are some of my biggest fans!”
“Really ?!” Scratch said, feigning excitement, “The ninjas of Chameleon Village?! Oh, how I'd just love to meet them!”
“Yes, well… Er, you see-”
Captain Rescue suddenly changed the subject. “How rude of me! I got so distracted, I forgot we were supposed to be getting lunch! There's a great chili dog stand just over here.”
Chili dogs? On a date? Being a robot, Scratch didn't need to eat, but he still expected better than cheap street food from this guy.
“Chili dogs, seriously?!” he said, sounding obviously annoyed.
“Do you… Not like chili dogs?” replied Captain Rescue worriedly.
“What? No! I just loooove chili dogs!” Scratch said, trying to recover his act.
“Oh, that's a relief!”
Captain Rescue relaxed a bit, clearly buying the ruse without a second thought. “Not that I'd have a problem with that, but these chili dogs really are the best!”
They got chili dogs and sat down on a bench.
“So, uh, Captain Rescue, how about you tell me a little about yourself? Er, more about yourself, I mean!”
“Of course! As you know, back in my heyday, I was a superhero. I helped out anyone and everyone who needed help, from stopping bad guys to rescuing whole towns from danger. And I was also an inventor; always coming up with new crime-fighting and rescue-handy gear for my trusty utility belt!”
“Oh yeah, that belt with all those stupi- stupENDOUS gadgets on it!”
Nice save, Scratch thought to himself.
“I'm sure none of that's news to you, though. Say, what's your favorite gadget of mine?”
“Oh, you know… The, uh, spinny… whirly one.” said Scratch, hoping there actually was a gadget that fit that vague description.
“The Super Wind Whirler?”
“Yep, that's the one!”
“Huh… You know, that was actually one of the first of my gadgets to seriously malfunction on the job. It was supposed to create a breeze so that the annual Hill Top Kite Flying Competition could proceed, not cause a tornado…”
Being reminded of the event caused Captain Rescue to look kind of sullen for a moment.
“But, it also ended up stopping some burglars from robbing a nearby jewelry store, so I guess it wasn't all bad.”
“Yeah… Well, Th-that was the part I liked about it!” Scratch cheerily crowed.
As the two finished their chili dogs, Scratched looked over at Captain Rescue. He was looking sad again.
“What's the matter?”
The racoon sighed.
“Sometimes I just feel like all the good things that I've done are all behind me. I know that's probably not true, but sometimes it feels that way, you know?”
“Uh, yeah… But, I mean, why even care about what's behind you? Just keep looking straight ahead!” Scratch replied, trying to keep the conversation light.
“Thanks, Scarlet… That's really good advice.”
He smiled, looking a little better.
“Well, now that we've had lunch, would you like to continue our stroll?”
“Why, of course!”
The racoon got up from the bench, and courteously held out his hand to help the fair lady up, which Scratch took.
It had been a surprisingly nice stroll through the park, with them stopping occasionally to observe the sights while Captain Rescue brought up anecdotes about his “heroic escapades” - easily the most boring part of the walk.
Of course, Scratch hadn't forgotten his mission.
“Hey, didn't you say in an interview that the Chameleon Village invited you to meet them? What was it like?! Also, what were the exact coordinates? And could you say them really clearly right next to my ear?” Scratch said, holding his hand up to the poorly hidden mic on his wig in anticipation of Captain Rescue's answer.
“Well, actually… I've been meaning to tell you about that.”
Captain Rescue nervously scratched the back of his head. “You see, I never… Um, actually went to the Chameleon Village.”
Scratch's jaw nearly dropped off its hinges. “You WHAT??!”
“I thought you'd be upset… Now, they did invite me, and I did want to go, but… Well, I just couldn't make myself do it.”
He took a seat on a bench and looked down at the ground in shame.
“So they invited you, and you didn't even show up?! Why’d you bring it up on the news, then?!”
“Well, to be honest, the interview was Sonic and Tails’ idea. In fact, they were the ones who showed me there were still people out there that looked up to me, and the Chameleon Village would've never reached out if it weren't for them. I guess they noticed how down in the dumps I've been lately and were trying to cheer me up…”
Scratch couldn't keep it together anymore. All that effort for nothing?
“Gee, are you always such a sad sack?!”
“I didn't used to be.”
Captain Rescue looked like he was on the verge of tears.
“I understand if you want to call it here. I didn't intend to ruin our date, but I guess I can't even do that right…”
“That's it?! Seriously?!!” Scratch said, fuming.
“Well, to be completely honest, there is more to why I decided not to go. But, I- …It's a little rough to talk about. I really don't think you'd-”
“Whatever it is, I wanna hear it!!”
“... Are you sure? I'm really not kidding when I say-”
“I don't care!!” squawked Scratch, “Just tell me why you didn't go!”
Captain Rescue sighed.
“For the last few months, I've been feeling absolutely terrible about myself. I don't know what to do, but I've been thinking that, maybe, things would be better off if I were dead.”
The pigment drained from the robot rooster’s face, and with it, any ounce of anger he had. Whatever third-rate computer chip was installed in him was not prepared to deal with this kind of thing, but he knew enough to know that what Captain Rescue was talking about was serious.
“Ah- um, surely you don't mean that!” he said, frantically trying to turn the conversation around.
“Scarlet, I wish I could say I don't mean that...”
“W-what about all your fans?! What would they think?!”
“The more I think about it, the more I wonder why I still have fans at all. All my superhero work was years and years ago! The me they're probably thinking about is long gone, I doubt they'd really care if the rest of me was gone too.”
“N-now, don't say that!”
“You know, Scarlet, you're genuinely the best thing that's happened to me in a long time. I'm so glad to have met you, and I'm sorry I dragged this whole date down...”
“Alright, that's IT!!”
Scratch tore off his wig and threw it to the ground.
“Huh? What's going on?”
“I give up!”
Captain Rescue looked confused. “You're… You're bald?”
“No, I'm not bald!”
Scratch ripped off the rest of his costume.
“My name's not Scarlet, it's Scratch! This was all just a ruse!”
“Wait… I know you!”
He angrily stood up from his seat.
“You're one of Robotnik's badniks! And to think I truly thought I had a secret admirer!”
“Well, duh! B-but, this is a misunderstanding!”
“Oh really?! What could I possibly be misunderstanding about this?? That evil doctor sent you to kick me while I'm down, didn't he?!”
“Not exactly! I was supposed to get you to say the location of the Chameleon Village, but- But I don't care about that anymore!”
“Huh?”
“Look, I don't really know much about, well… Anything that isn't about catching that blue hedgehog, but you shouldn't give up on life like that!”
Captain Rescue slumped back down on the bench. “Why should I believe you? You've spent the whole day tricking me.”
Scratch sat down on the other end of the bench.
“Well…”
Scratch thought, but no matter how he sliced it, Rescue was right.
“Ah, I guess you don't have to believe me… But that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t believe your friends and fans!”
“Like I said, I'm no superhero anymore. Sure, I may have returned to the role that one time when Sonic was in trouble, but that's not me anymore. I'm a nobody…”
“Think of it this way, how many of your fans do ya’ think are superheroes?”
“Probably not many, but that’s okay. All I ever wanted to do was help people, and inspire others to help those in need too.”
“Right. So obviously, you don't have to be a superhero to be helpful. And the fact that legendary ninjas wanna meet you - the REAL you - means you've gotta still be doing something right!”
“Sure, but… I feel like I'm always messing things up! It's like the older I've gotten, the worse I am at being helpful…”
“Well everybody messes up sometimes. I mean, just look at me! I've spent my whole life since the day I was built trying to catch and crush Sonic, and I still haven't done it! In fact, that's pretty much the whole reason me and my brother exist, and we still haven't done the one thing we were made for. But, we're not gonna just give up! It doesn't matter how long it takes, we'll just keep trying and trying until we actually do it!”
“Huh, you know… That's kind of sad, actually.”
“What's sad about that?!”
“Oh, um… Never mind. I see what you mean.”
“Plus, think about your pals! Sonic and Tails would probably really miss you if you were gone!”
“You're right… They would miss me, wouldn't they?”
Captain Rescue was starting to look a little more positive.
“You know, you may be a badnik, but I guess you aren't all bad. What did you say your name was again?”
“Uh, Scratch?”
“Well, Scratch, thanks for your help. I'm still mad about you tricking me… But you helped me realize that people still need me around, even if I'm not the hero I used to be.”
“Yeah, well…”
He crossed his arms and got defensive. A hero thanking him ? As if!
“I-it's not like I… I mean… You should probably talk to a professional!”
“That’s a good point. Maybe I should book an appointment with a therapist…”
Scratch started to get antsy, realizing he had said an awful lot of not-awful things just now - not to mention how the mission was a bust - and was worried how this would affect his chances of finally being promoted.
“Wow, look at the time! Welp, I gotta go!” Scratch exclaimed.
He hurried out of the scene, meeting up with Grounder moments later.
“Phew! Can you believe that guy?” Scratch said, trying to play it cool.
“Yeah, what a baby!" said Grounder.
"Hey, you didn't mean any of that, did ya’?"
“Mean any of what?”
“All that sappy stuff you said to Captain Rescue?”
“What?! No way! I was just getting on his good side so… So if he really does go to the Chameleon Village now, maybe he'll tell me where it is!”
"Ha-ha!" Grounder laughed, "That guy is really gullible, huh? Uh, but what you said did kinda sound like good advice."
"Of course it sounded like good advice, idiot! What part of getting on his good side don't you get?!"
"Oh yeah... Well, I guess we better go tell Robotnik the bad news."
The two badniks headed back to Robotnik's base.