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It’s complicated, the way Eddie feels as he passes the all too familiar ‘Welcome to Hawkins’ sign.
It’s been almost a year now. A year since he packed all his most prized possessions into the back of his van and watched that same sign disappear in the rearview mirror. And now, he’s back, not sure for how long; the main reason for that being uncle Wayne. No, not that he’s sick or anything, the old bastard would probably outlive Eddie himself (or so Eddie chooses to believe, simply because the world without Wayne in it seems unfathomable). Eddie just missed not seeing him for so long.
In all fairness, there’s also some people he’d love to see, namely the members of Hellfire currently ruled by the one and only Will the Wise; and exactly one person he simultaneously longs to and dreads reuniting with. Because he just knows that the moment he sees that annoyingly beautiful face, all the feelings he desperately tried to get rid of are going to come back full force.
But it would be a completely asshole move to just ignore him for Eddie’s own sake. So after a rather tearful (they’d both absolutely deny it) reunion with uncle Wayne, a dinner of his favorite mac’n’cheese and answering about a thousand questions from the old man, Eddie decides it’s best to get the hardest part of his return over with.
He grabs a six-pack of beer that he promises to replace later, jumps into his van, and heads over to Harrington’s place.
***
Eddie’s lucky; there was a pretty high chance that Steve would be at work, but when Eddie parks his van in the driveway, Steve’s beemer is right there. Eddie kills the engine and sits back, taking a minute to compose himself as he looks at the house through his windshield. There’s so many memories here, of parties and movie nights and occasional sleepovers that never involved much sleep for Eddie himself. So much laughter and warm camaraderie, but also unrequited lust and yearning that used to eat him up inside.
And of course, his worries about all those feelings surfacing again and choking him weren’t unfounded. Because the moment the front door opens upon him ringing the doorbell, and Steve’s face appears in his view, Eddie’s forgotten the whole carelessly cheerful greeting he’s had planned. He just stares, taking in the sight of the boy he used to love, the boy he still feels so weak about even though a whole year has passed, dammit, isn’t that supposed to be enough time to get over someone?!
Harrington’s hair is longer now, like he’s been growing it out, still lush and shiny as ever but reaching his shoulders at the back, the wavy bangs framing his face beautifully. Other than that, he still looks the same; still has those soft eyes, that perfect Cupid’s bow upper lip, and endless freckles and moles that Eddie used to spend hours sketching from memory.
Also, those basketball shorts should be illegal. But Eddie determined as much last summer, and Steve’s still apparently clueless on how they are an instrument of attempted murder, even if Eddie’s the only potential victim.
Steve’s the first to recover from their short mutual stupor, lips stretching in a huge smile as he steps forward with a cheerful “Eddie!” and immediately scoops him into a rib-crushing hug. And shit, that’s it. Eddie never left, he’s still here, forever stuck in his hard-to-breathe state that has nothing, and also everything, to do with his lungs being squeezed against Steve’s chest.
“Hey Stevie,” Eddie mumbles into the boy’s shoulder, and smiles despite the tears he tries to blink out of his own eyes. He squeezes back with one arm, the other still occupied by the six-pack.
Steve holds him for several heart-wrenching seconds before letting go, except he doesn’t move far, looking at Eddie with wide eyes, one hand still on his shoulder, and grinning like he’s five and it’s Santa at his doorstep in the middle of summer.
“Shit, I can’t believe you’re here. Oh my god, come in, it’s been forever, you gotta tell me everything!” Steve rambles, ushering Eddie inside and taking the beers from him to take to the kitchen. “I’ll shove those in the fridge, got some cold ones ready, you want one?”
“Sure,” Eddie finds himself smiling more freely as he follows Steve and accepts the wonderfully cold bottle.
Yeah, loving the guy still hurts a bit. But that doesn’t stop the glee bubbling inside him at seeing Steve again. That confusing cocktail of emotions that’s so familiar from how it was Eddie’s permanent state of being a year ago.
“So… You still work for Family Video?” Eddie initiates the obligatory catching-up conversation as they make their way outside, to sit at the edge of the pool, shoes discarded so they can dip their legs in the pleasantly cool water.
Steve grins, taking a swig of his beer. Eddie tries, and fails, not to stare at how beautiful he looks in the setting sun.
“Promoted to store manager now, if you can believe it. Better hours, better pay. With Robin gone, at some point I just quit covering for all of Kieth’s fuck-ups, and pretty soon, the higher ups figured out what’s what.”
Eddie laughs. “That’s awesome. Serves him right. Congrats on moving up the career ladder! I hear the only way to do that is stepping on others’ bodies.”
“Oh yeah,” Steve huffs. “Dad would be so proud. If this happened at a head office and not a Hawkins regional store, of course.” He winces, and it’s enough for Eddie to get that the relationship he has with his father hasn’t improved over that year.
“Speaking of your parents…” Eddie starts picking at the label sticker on his bottle. “They still not around?”
“Nah. They’re permanently staying at their Miami house now. They thought about selling this house, but after the earthquake,” Steve enunciates with finger quotes, “property values just plummeted, and they decided to keep it for now. So… I guess I should thank Vecna for not being homeless.” He chuckles. “How weird is that?”
“Seems like some kinda karmic reward for all the bullshit you had to go through. Don’t question it, man, just enjoy.”
“I’ll drink to that,” Steve agrees, leaning in to clink the neck of his bottle against Eddie’s. “So what about you, how have you been surviving on the road?”
“Eh, pretty nicely, actually. Turns out, it’s not that hard to find work in places that haven’t seen your face on WANTED FOR MURDER posters all over town.” Eddie wrinkles his nose at the memory. “Took some jobs, here and there. Legal ones, mind you! Tending bars, bagging groceries, that kinda thing mostly. Oh, I worked as a junior mechanic for a bit, that was kinda cool. Best gig was in Portland, spent about two months there filling in for a cover band’s guitarist who’d broken his wrist.”
Eddie talks some more, about the places he’s been to, telling random funny stories and the ones that seemed disastrous at the time yet hilarious in retrospect (breaking down in the middle of nowhere, getting mugged at a gas station once, waking up after a gig at a stranger’s apartment with no clue of how he got there). And at some point, he notices that Steve definitely listens, nodding and smiling or laughing in all the right places, but there’s a strange faraway look in his eyes. By the time Eddie gets to Denver in his recall of events, Steve’s rhythmically tapping a nail against his bottle, staring out into the clear pool water.
“Sorry, am I boring you?” Eddie narrows his eyes, hoping the question came out as deadpan humor and doesn’t betray how much that idea stings.
“What?” Steve looks up, then chuckles and shakes his head. “No, no way, Eds. I guess I’m just… processing. It’s like you lived a thousand different lives out there, and over here, in that same year, not much actually changes, you know? Your life is like some adventure show now. It’s pretty cool, I just feel like that time Dustin tried to fill me in on the… however many episodes of Doctor Who.”
Eddie laughs, a little relived. “Fair enough. We can split all this into seasons, if you’re still up for the tales. One season, one state, one day at a time.” Because of course he’d hang out with Steve again while he’s here. How could he not? The fact that he actually considered not coming over at all is insane.
He’s surprised that his words seem to catch Steve off-guard, though.
“One at a time? How many states were there?”
“Hmmm.” Eddie starts counting on his fingers. “Eleven, I think. Iowa doesn’t count, it’s basically a filler episode.”
“So you’ll be staying for a couple of weeks, then?”
Definitely not what Eddie planned, but… fuck it.
“Looks like that’s what I just signed up for,” he smiles and winks at Steve.
“Okay. Cool.” Steve nods a few times, then bites on his lip and asks, “And then? Off to more adventures?”
“I don’t know yet,” Eddie replies honestly, tipping his bottle back for another swig. “Maybe I should look into being a trucker. Honestly, I think it would suit me. Never in the same place for too long, spending most of my time behind the wheel, blasting sweet tunes at full volume? Sounds pretty awesome to me.”
Steve frowns at him. “Isn’t it… kind of lonely?”
“There’s always bars.” Eddie shrugs. “Roadside diners, motels. There’s people everywhere if you want company.”
“Yeah, but they are all strangers.”
“I’m cool with strangers these days, to be honest. You meet, you share a drink and a few laughs, you part ways. You pick and choose what you divulge. You can lie and pretend to be someone else. It’s kinda fun, actually. And it’s easy.” Especially the hooking up part, he doesn’t say.
“I don’t know if I could do it. It sounds exhausting. I remember how things were after I stopped being friends with Tommy and Carol, you know? Worst time of my life. I need… real friends around, even if most of them are a bunch of bratty teenagers.” Steve smiles. “People that matter. People I care about.”
“Yeah, I get it. Like… I’m not saying I don’t miss everyone back here. It’s just that… The downside of getting close to people is you can start caring too much.” Eddie swallows, hesitates for a moment, then figures he’s got nothing to lose. “In ways you’re not supposed to.”
Steve hits the bullseye on one attempt. “You mean like fall for someone?”
Eddie nods. Steve keeps watching him silently for a few beats, something complicated shifting across his face.
“I think I’d rather still have them in my life, to be honest,” he finally says. “‘Cos, like… crushes fade eventually, you know? But if you ever had feelings for a person, there’s more reasons to that than just attraction. There’s something important about them that makes them a big part of your life, and when they’re gone… you miss them.”
Eddie glances at him out of the corner of his eye. He ignores the bitter jealousy gnawing at his insides and asks, aiming for a sympathetic tone, “You talking about Wheeler, right?”
The question seems to confuse Steve.
“Well. Uh. Nancy—” He falters. “I mean, she at least calls and sends postcards from college.”
Frowning, Eddie suddenly remembers something else. Something Steve told him once about a certain bathroom confession.
“Wait, Robin hasn’t called you? Did you two get into a fight or something?”
“Robin? She phones every weekend, and she was back for Christmas and spring break. What— Why are we talking about Robin?” Notes of barely contained annoyance make their way into Steve’s tone. “Eddie, you’re the one who just goddamn disappeared on me without a trace.”
“But…” Eddie blinks, feeling his heartbeat thud harder against his ribcage even before his brain has caught up properly. “Steve, we were talking about… crushes.”
“Oh.” Steve bites his lip and looks away. “I figured you knew. Robin pointed out to me multiple times how obvious I was being.”
Eddie stares at him, completely dumbstruck. What?!
“Doesn’t matter now, right?” Steve chuckles humorlessly. “You’ve got plans, and… honestly, it’s great, man, you should do what makes you happy. But it’d be nice to hear from you on occasion. Like, directly, not just through Wayne.”
“You kept in touch with Wayne?” Eddie’s not sure that’s the most pressing question in these circumstances, but he’s so confused his mouth just runs on its own.
“Of course I did, how else was I supposed to know that you’re not lying in a ditch somewhere?” Steve replies bitterly, and Eddie suddenly feels like the biggest piece of shit in the world. A piece of shit that Steve actually— oh fuck, oh no.
Steve’s leaning forward, face hidden behind a curtain of hair, and for the first time ever, Eddie is on the other end of this; he usually does it himself when he feels like hiding. Apparently, it’s rather annoying.
Without thinking, Eddie reaches with a hand and brushes Steve’s hair behind his ear. Steve looks up, surprised, and Eddie finally gets to see the glint of wetness in his eyes. And also… hope? What the fuck.
The rational part of his brain is still refusing to accept the obvious deductions from everything Steve said.
“I’m sorry I didn’t call.” He shakes his head, trying to gather his messy thoughts he can barely even hear through the thundering pulse in his ears. “I didn’t know you… fuck, what the hell, Steve!” Unable to sit still anymore, he jumps and starts pacing the edge of the pool, hands buried in his hair and tugging, the prickling at his skull somewhat helping keep the panic at bay. “No fucking way. And I just left, without knowing?! Like an idiot?!”
Steve Harrington, straight boy Steve Harrington crushing back on him. He’d be worried about this being some sick joke, maybe revenge for not keeping in touch, if he hadn’t learnt in those few months of unexpectedly close friendship last summer that the guy was nothing if not honest. Friends don’t lie.
Steve remains seated, watching him with a concerned frown. “I thought you left ‘cos you hated Hawkins.”
Eddie groans, reaching with a shaky hand into his cigarette pack.
“That was part of it. And it’s not that I totally hate it, just… I needed a breather from living on top of a literal portal to hell we could never be sure was finally and completely shut. A week and a few hundred miles away, I stopped having nightmares, okay? Stopped waking in the middle of the night to check if there’s vines coming out of the ceiling. I still remember that night in a shitty motel on the outskirts of Chicago.” He snorts, then shoves the cigarette between his lips to light it. “Slept like a baby, twelve hours straight. The maid nearly busted the door trying to wake me, it was almost checkout time.”
Steve nods solemnly. “I get it. Glad you did that for yourself, Eds, honestly.”
Eddie takes another long drag of smoke and exhales slowly, on a sigh. “Yeah. But also… Stevie, I really had no idea.”
He takes a few careful steps towards Steve, feeling like he’s seeing the boy from a whole another angle. He’s got his knees drawn up to his chest now, resting his chin on top of them, confusion and uncertainty and vulnerability all mixed together in the way he doesn’t take his eyes off of Eddie.
“I thought there’s nothing for me here,” Eddie manages around a bitter lump in his throat. He crouches beside Steve, looks into his eyes. “I thought I was pining after a straight friend.”
“Yeah, about that…” Steve sniffles and glances away with a sad smile. “Not really straight. Wait…” He jerks his head up, eyes wide. “Pining?”
“It was pretty damn pathetic, really, yeah.” Eddie shrugs awkwardly. “Just… I thought it was hopeless. And I liked hanging out with you. Didn’t wanna ruin that.”
Steve groans loudly and rubs his hands across his face.
“Eds, I made you a goddamn mix tape. With love songs on it!”
So… that happened. It was quite a nerve-wracking week, listening to those about a hundred times in a row.
“Yeah, you did.” Eddie sighs. “I ended up assuming it was a gag gift, just ‘cos I always made fun of your music.” Steve stares at him like he’s just stated that the Earth is flat, and Eddie rolls his eyes, feeling more embarrassed on Past Eddie’s behalf by the minute. “Shit, it’s like that one time you talked about basketball games. How watching a replay, it was so obvious that the Fuckadoodle Donkeys or whatever were gonna win, but it’s not like that watching live?”
A small smiles creeps up on Steve’s face.
“You actually listened when I talked basketball?”
“Eh. Mostly watched you talk, I’d say. But yeah, I did pay attention.”
Steve’s smile widens. “You were making excessively loud snoring sounds. Every damn time.”
“Well, obviously I was fucking with you so you’d throw something at me. The pillow fights were always fun.”
Steve laughs at that, even though it sounds a little wet, Eddie’s heart soars at the sound. His head’s suddenly swarmed with a million possibilities, each one of them tightly entwined with doubt; but he pushes them all away as he focuses on one, the one that involves Steve’s hand, right there, resting on the edge of the pool just inches away from his own.
It’s a gamble, ‘cos they’re still talking about the past, and he’s not sure if this is something he’s allowed to do. But as Eddie’s palm rests on top of Steve’s knuckles, it doesn’t get pushed away. Instead, Steve gives him a smile that could melt glaciers off the top of Mount Everest, looks down for a beat and then flips his hand over, lacing their fingers together.
And then, he shifts to sit closer, firmly pressing into Eddie and resting his head on Eddie’s shoulder. Eddie swoons, feeling like there’s a huge balloon expanding inside his chest. He can still hardly grasp that this is something that could have happened last summer.
“Stevie?” He asks, gently running his thumb back and forth against the other boy’s skin.
“Hmm?”
“Like… Don’t get me wrong, I’m not blaming you for anything and I probably am a clueless moron, but you can see we were kind of on uneven ground there, right? You knew that I was queer. Why didn’t you just tell me?”
Steve’s silent for a moment, making small waves with his foot drawing infinity circles underwater.
“I was going to. That college send-off party we had for Robin and Nancy? After everyone’s left, I was gonna ask you to stay for a sleepover and tell you, but…” He trails off and waves his free hand vaguely. And Eddie knows exactly what he means.
“I told you guys I was leaving.”
“Yeah. So I just… didn’t see the point anymore.”
Eddie sort of remembers what Steve was like that day. Sulking in the corner with a single can of beer, and at the time, Eddie thought he was only mourning the departure of his ‘platonic soulmate’.
“Well. Aren’t we a pair of idiots, huh,” he mutters, chancing a small smile, which Steve returns with a quiet laugh, reaching to snatch the cigarette out of Eddie’s hand. It’s mostly burnt down to the filter now, so he takes the last drag of it and then stubs it out on the wet concrete.
“Yeah.” He shakes his head in bewilderment. “Dinguses, I bet Robin would say.”
Eddie chuckles. “So the real question is…” He sighs and nudges Steve’s shoulder with his own. “What would happen if I stayed here, Stevie?” He asks softly.
Steve raises his head to frown at him. “In Hawkins? I mean… Why? What would you even do here?”
“Well. Like I said, that mechanic gig was pretty cool. I might look into that. But that’s not what I’m asking about.” Eddie licks his suddenly too dry lips, a nervous ball churning inside his stomach. “You mentioned that crushes fade.”
Steve hums. He takes his time to answer, and however nerve-wracking that is, Eddie supposes he deserves that.
“Guess you’re lucky, this one didn’t,” Steve finally says, not without a bit of spite, but he squeezes Eddie’s hand as he speaks. “You have no idea how annoying that was. Missed you like crazy, you fucker.” He raises his free hand in a fist and punches at Eddie’s chest lightly. It doesn’t actually hurt; except it does.
Eddie blinks the wetness out of his eyes.
“Missed you too, Stevie. I mean it.”
“I know.”
“Not going anywhere, by the way. In case that wasn’t obvious.”
Steve’s eyes are huge and shiny as they meet his. “You’d stay… for me?”
“Oh sweetheart, I’m not that selfless. I’d stay for me. I’d stay for the insane gift from Lady Luck, being with a guy I’ve been head over heels for since I saw him tear a demobat in half with his damn teeth.” He grins as he watches Steve blush at his words. “What, you think I could just up and leave now that I could have,” he waves his hand at Steve, head to toe, “all that? And in those shorts?”
“Jesus,” Steve honest-to-god giggles, shy and silly, burying his face in Eddie’s shoulder; and it’s the best sound Eddie’s ever heard.
Him, Eddie Munson, getting Steve Harrington all flustered and squirming with just an innocent flirtation. What a wonderful new world he’s found himself in. A world where the boy he’s definitely more than a little in love with practically wraps himself around him, nuzzling at his neck and raising goosebumps before looking up, eyes full of unconcealed happiness and affection.
“Are you sure you’re not gonna get bored here?” Steve asks, with a hint of worry to his voice.
“Bored?” Eddie raises his eyebrows, the idea inconceivable to him. This right here might just be the start to the greatest adventure in his life. A love adventure. “What are you talking about, sweetheart?” He jokes. “I’ll be busy writing my memoirs. ‘There and back again; a metalhead’s tale’.”
“Like Bilbo,” Steve chuckles, and Eddie’s jaw falls open. When did Steve read The Hobbit?! “I wasn’t gonna stay in Hawkins forever either, you know. Just until the kids all grow up and get out of here. So…” Steve chews on his lip. His thumb moves along the shape of Eddie’s collarbone, the simple touch enhancing the turmoil inside Eddie’s heart that his words alone have brought. “Whatever you wanna do, if you’ll still want me around. I’m game.”
“Right now, I wanna kiss you. No, I need to kiss you,” Eddie blurts out breathlessly, because that’s something that feels way, way long overdue. “That cool?”
Steve giggles again and leans in, placing a warm palm against Eddie’s cheek.
“Totally cool.”
With each soft, warm kiss Eddie presses against Steve’s eager lips, he repeats a silent promise to himself. He’ll make it up to Steve, for everything. Every phone call he didn’t make and didn’t think this boy waited for. Every letter left unsent, because he was worried they would be unwelcome, still stuffed into a duffel in his van, along with a worn polaroid he’d vowed never to look at, and broke that vow each night.
Or better yet, maybe he’ll just let Steve read them. However embarrassing they may be, especially those stupid lovesick lyrics he wrote completely drunk. He’s too damn tired of leaving important things unsaid.