Chapter Text
“Happy birthday, Nii-San.”
The words were spoken softly and heavy with adoration. At this, Rinne’s eyes fluttered and opened slowly. The words unmistakably belonged to his little brother. His vision heavily blurred from a deep sleep, Rinne could barely see the mop of curly crimson hair and the eager grin looming over him trying to entice him out of his sleep. Almost reflexively, he groaned with protest and turned over to his side as if to plea to his brother for more sleep.
Small hands gripped his torso with determination and began to violently shake him awake. “Wake up!” Hiiro petulantly cried, “It’s your birthday.”
The assertiveness in his demand was startling to Rinne. Hiiro typically wasn’t this forthright with him. He had been instructed since birth to not be. It had been made very clear since the announcement that a second son had been born into the Amagi family, that his life would be dedicated to serving the future chief as his advisor. With such an eminent role bestowed onto him, there was little time for typical little brother pestering. Their relationship was born to be one of a political ally-ship rather than one of two brothers with Hiiro and Rinne having no say in the matter.
Regardless, that didn’t mean that there weren’t times when the professionalism forced onto the brothers fell through the cracks. Now being a prime example as the twelve-year-old Hiiro frustratingly attempted to shake the freshly seventeen-year-old Rinne awake for his birthday. Almost as if he was simply just his moody older brother and nothing close to royalty.
Rinne preferred things this way.
Not wanting to spoil the scarce moment between the two, Rinne wanted to keep it going for as long as he could. He loved the moments where Hiiro acted more like a little brother and less like his subordinate.
“Go away,” he groggily protested with a grin. “I wanna sleep in, please. I’ll apologize to Dad later for being lazy.” He waved his hand as if to shoo Hiiro away and egg on his determination to get his older brother awake.
The little hands belonging to his brother lifted off of his body and the shaking abruptly stopped. Well, that was exactly the opposite of what Rinne had been going for.
“Nii-san,” the seriousness in Hiiro’s tone suddenly shifted the mood, “It’s already 1 pm. I covered for you. I told Dad you were off hunting this morning and wouldn’t be back until evening so you could sleep. I wouldn’t want to push it, though. He really wants to speak with you today. Though, I’m not sure why.”
Rinne could cry. He really fucking could. His little brother had always been extremely observant. Perhaps he could tell Rinne was fucking exhausted lately. The extra sleep was much needed. He couldn’t exactly explain it, but there was a certain heaviness constantly consuming him that had him feeling utterly exhausted all the time. He thought maybe Hiiro had picked up on this as he had been very careful with Rinne’s emotions lately.
He did know exactly why his father wanted to speak with him. Or at least, he had a pretty good idea why his father would be asking to speak with him privately on his seventeenth birthday. Most fathers might want to speak with their sons on their seventeenth birthday to wish them a happy birthday or perhaps provide some fatherly advice as their son was imminently approaching adulthood. Not Rinne and Hiiro’s father, though. The current chief of their village did not have time for such familial exchanges. Practically all year, he had been going on and on about how Rinne hadn’t been taking his responsibilities seriously enough as the future chief. Childhood was abruptly coming to an end, and he had made it abundantly apparent that he was going to start pushing him harder to take over at seventeen.
He decided that any fragment of brotherly familiarity in this moment was now shattered by the heaviness of his father’s expectancy. Rinne decided to give up on trying to perpetuate the fond moment and instead cater to his father’s wishes. Typical of his entire life thus far.
Reluctantly, Rinne sat up finally to face his brother. His bones had been sore lately coming off of a recent growth spurt, possibly his last one, meaning pushing himself up off of his bed fucking hurt. Another unwanted reminder of how he was growing up.
Arm crying out in pain, Rinne reached his hand up to ruffle the top of Hiiro’s head. A gentle reminder he would often provide that Rinne did not view their relationship as professional despite what they were both told their whole lives.
“Thanks, kiddo. You’re the best,” he groggily mumbled through the heaviness of his sleep-ridden body. Hiiro took these displays of affection in stride — albeit confused as this behavior directly contradicted what everyone in the village had always instructed.
“Ah, It’s no trouble,” he shrugged, “You always make it a big deal for me to rest up on my birthdays. I wanted to return the favor finally.” Hiiro’s proud grin could have lit up the room if it weren’t for the afternoon sunshine blanketing the entire room already.
Lately, it felt like the only strong feeling Rinne could experience was the love he felt for his little brother. His baby, as he declared on the day Hiiro was born. The way he followed his older brother around like a shadow filled Rinne with bountiful love and pride. Whether it was out of necessity due to his given role as the advisor or because he genuinely enjoyed his older brother’s company, Rinne didn’t know. He figured it was likely the former as Hiiro didn’t take the initiative to do things for himself. He hoped that it was maybe the latter instead.
Everything else had felt strangely numb the past year or so for Rinne. Perhaps he was just accustomed to the perpetual misery he felt learning how to be a proper chief. His only beacon of light within the darkness he felt being the warmness his baby brother unintentionally passed onto him. The tumultuous relationship he had with his father had become less of an anxiety inducer and more of just a general inconvenience lumped in with his unwanted duties as the future chief of his village.
Ah shit, his father was expecting him soon.
Begrudgingly, Rinne pushed himself up and got himself dressed for the day. His body absolutely crying out to him in pain of soreness. Hiiro waited patiently sitting on his knees with his hands politely folded in his lap. Doing so to be careful not to disturb his older brother who very obviously, judging by his sluggish manner, was not ready to be awake yet just in case he required anything of him. It was yet another standard procedure the village had engrained in him to follow since birth to wait on his older brother and provide for him as needed.
Another procedure Rinne couldn’t fucking stand.
“You don’t have to hang around, kiddo,” Rinne started as he tied his headband tightly around the crown of his head, “I’ll see you later, kay? I’m gonna go check in with Dad, then we can go play a bit. Sound good?”
“Play what?” Hiiro cocked his head, similar to a puppy.
“Whatever you want. I was thinking maybe we could go to the river for a bit,” he proposed as he tightened the last bit of his headband finishing off getting dressed. “We can play skip rock like we always used to.”
“You would like me to accompany you to the river?”
“Well, yeah,” Rinne tightened his lips to face his little brother, “It’s my birthday, so why wouldn’t I want to spend time with you?” Hiiro didn’t have an answer for that. Instead, he stared at the floor, brows furrowed, hands still folded neatly but his thumbs beginning to twiddle and thinking hard on a reasonable reply. Rinne decided to take this as an opportunity to exit and visit his father leaving his brother to ponder upon such a question. To most close siblings, the answer would be obvious. But the two didn’t share a normal sibling dynamic much to Rinne’s protest and dismay. Rinne knew Hiiro had a hard time understanding the love Rinne had for him. That never meant though that Rinne would stop asserting it. He hoped one day it would click. He hoped Hiiro would see past the lens of his predetermined role and see their relationship for how Rinne saw it too.
Just down the corridor, was his father’s room. Even after seventeen years of living in this home, the room felt foreign. As a child, he was never really allowed in there. Entrance without an invitation typically resulted in a punishment. Yet another unnecessary procedure designed to drive a feeling of unfamiliarity among the family. An omnipresent lack of domesticity in their home orchestrated by the patriarch himself. However, the older Rinne got, the less he really cared. It helped too that his father was growing weak, feeble, and didn’t have all the same energy anymore to discipline his son in such extreme fashions. An older parent, fathering Rinne at 50 years old, he was now 67 with his health in a serious decline. If there was an element of sadness to be felt amongst the village about the declining health of the chief, Rinne was certain he did not share it.
Maybe he was losing the ability to care about an invitation, but he hadn’t lost all sense of decorum. His arm once again wept from the pain of his latest growth spurt as he raised his hand to knock on his father’s door. Was he going to wait for a reply? No. The least he could do was provide a warning though.
With that, he barged into his father’s bedroom. The heaviness of the room was immediately felt pressing down on Rinne’s shoulders as if to constrain him to the floor. He was never in here for good reasons. He was met with the stone-cold face of his much older father lying in his large bed designed for two people. A widower, his bed clearly lacked another person who would be taking up the other half of it. The absence of the warmth in the other half of his bed could easily be felt in the room with its icy feel. He looked so fucking awful it was almost laughable if you asked Rinne. The color from his face was quickly draining, his hair whiter than ever, and even the permanent scowl on his aged face was starting to fade with the decline of energy. His face had been carved with aging lines by a lifetime of stress that gave him the exterior of a much more elderly man than he already was. Running a society of people wasn’t easy. You could see it in every fold on his father’s face.
The one thing that had not wavered with age or sickness was his stark cyan eyes which hadn’t faded one bit in color. They still felt like freshly sharpened daggers to the face to look at directly. Rinne indisputably had his father’s eyes. A carbon copy of them. The surefire way to identify that he was in fact an Amagi and was the rightful heir as chief. A surefire way to connect the two as father and son for life.
Rinne couldn’t fucking stand it.
Rinne carefully watched his father’s chest hoping maybe the steady rise and fall of it would abruptly stop if he focused on it hard enough.
“You’re seventeen now,” his father spoke up breaking the uncomfortable silence, “Nearly a man.” There was no mistaking that he was sick from his hoarse voice. The stubborn asshole refused to get proper medical treatment and would rather just waste away. Maybe he too was tired of all of the responsibilities that come with being a chief. Maybe Rinne could understand that.
“Can’t even wish me a happy birthday?” Rinne scoffed, “Kind of low, even for you.” Oh, he felt like pushing some buttons today. Even just a year ago, he wouldn’t have dared to speak so impolitely to this father; nor with such familiarity. He would have been fucking terrified of what was going to happen next. Those feelings of fear haven’t left him, not really. Just now, they were smaller and easier to ignore. Rinne couldn’t feel much of anything anymore. Not in the way he used to.
Much to his dismay, or relief, Rinne still wasn’t sure what his intentions were there, his father didn’t have much of a reaction. Instead, he just clicked his tongue and looked off to the ceiling as if he were talking to someone else. “I’m dying, you know.”
“Yeah, I know,” Rinne’s expression and tone stone cold.
“You know what this means for you?” his father not breaking eye contact with the ceiling.
“Yeah,” Rinne answered, still not breaking demeanor, “It’s time for me to get ready to take over.” He knew he would be a young chief the moment he concluded his father was a bit of an older parent when he was a child. At first, the prospect of being a village chief excited him. The idea of making all of the decisions and being consistently listened to was exciting to a much smaller version of Rinne. The older Rinne got, and the more responsibilities that were relinquished onto him, the less glamorous the idea of being the chief became. He saw it in the way he had to fight for a normal sibling dynamic with his baby brother—careful not to lose him to the forced upon formalities. He saw it in the way he was deprived of having any friends his own age. He saw it in the way it affected his mother watching her eldest son cry at the hands of his father. He saw it in the way she was mildly horrified that her second child was also a son. A spare heir. He saw it in the way it deteriorated his father’s mental health. Once a strict, but calm man, quickly turned into a callous and violent man at the loss of his wife.
All sources of Rinne’s misery could be traced back to his birth-appointed role as the heir.
He vowed to himself to never make his children, or whoever his successor would be, suffer such a miserable childhood. Kids should be kids. He did his best to make sure Hiiro felt this notion despite the weight of responsibility he too was given. However, it seemed lost in translation seeing as Hiiro took his appointed role as advisor to the chief quite literally and seriously. It was all their father’s fault, Rinne decided.
“Correct,” he croaked, “I am getting too old to be on your back constantly about it. As are you too old now to require constant monitoring. I would like to ask—no I am telling you to no longer make your little trips to the city. You’re not a child anymore. You need to be here now fulfilling your duties.” His expression was stone-cold and serious. Except now, he had broken eye contact with the ceiling and redirected his gaze toward his son, who despite his word was very still much a child at only seventeen. His cold yet vibrant eyes landed on Rinne feeling like a dart between thrown in between his eyes. He felt so small in this moment like a fearful little boy carefully treading a punishment. “If you spent less of your time coddling your brother or galavanting off to the city whenever you feel like it, you’d be more prepared by this point. But since you insist on wasting your time, you’re not at all ready for what is to come when I pass. I’m left with no choice but to place this permanent restriction on you. You’re failing your village with your poor choices, Rinne.”
Rinne wanted to scream. The lump in his throat brought on by his father’s harsh words muffled any scream attempting to claw its way out of his mouth.
So much for a happy birthday wish.
Since he was about fifteen, he had been running away in fits of rage to the city as a method of escaping. Oftentimes after an explosive fight with his father. He had always been curious about it since he was a toddler. His mother would tell him that the city lights were just extra stars that were peppered across the ground since they ran out of room in the sky. The innocent lie appeased a baby Rinne at the time, but the older he got, the more his curiosity grew before he decided to run away and see for himself.
Those lights were definitely not stars as he discovered that day he finally decided to run away and see for himself. But oh my. If they weren’t equally as magnificent. Fifteen-year-old Rinne had never seen anything so special in his life. He couldn’t imagine that structures so tall could exist, so many people could be in one place, and the colors—oh goodness the vibrant colors everywhere he couldn’t peel his eyes away from. How on earth could he have been kept from such a strangely magnificent place all of his life? His home was beautiful off in the mountains, but this was a whole other wavelength of beauty he couldn’t begin to describe.
As if there wasn’t already so much to be awestruck by visiting the city for the first time, Rinne quickly found the most spectacular part about living in the city area.
Idols.
On his first visit to the city, he watched a televised performance of an idol group from afar. He hadn’t ever seen technology like this before and was immediately entranced by it. It seemed others shared that sentiment as people gathered around the screen chanting the names of the people dancing and singing on screen. He watched the choreography, the crowd, and how they smiled as if they were watching their favorite people in the world on the screen. The costumes were so vibrant, unlike anything he had ever seen before made with fabric. The music was loud, upbeat, and soulful in the words. You could easily see in the faces of the crowd that these people meant something to them on a very deep level. He quickly discovered that this profession was called an Idol from the cheers of the crowd.
He wanted to be those people up on that screen more than anything.
From then on, whenever possible, Rinne would sneak out of his village again and make his way down to the city to learn about idol culture. He craved it at that point. It was nice to finally have an ambition for once. Something to care about besides his little brother. Each time he was caught sneaking out, he would receive some variation of punishment. It was worth it every time since he got to watch or learn about idols again. He was never quite satisfied and always made an effort to try and sneak back out again.
Besides his undying love for his little brother, the prospect of becoming an idol was the only other thing in the world that could make Rinne feel any type of emotion.
To take that away from him would have to be the cruelest thing his father could do to him by far.
“Fine,” he lied to his father, “I’ll stay away from the city. Anything else you wanted to say?” He was doing everything in his power right now not to respond indignantly.
“That’s all. I’ll see you at supper.”
Rinne slammed the door shut on his way out. If his father had a problem with that, he really didn’t care. He felt quite hollow about now. As if his father had personally scooped any remnants of hope or happiness out of his heart and discarded them on the floor to mock at. If he wanted to cry, he couldn’t feel it. The numbness within him consumed like a security blanket careful not to let him feel something so dangerous.
He was stuck now. No longer protected by the security of childhood, and no longer comforted by the prospect of becoming an idol. Maybe that was a faraway dream given the fact that he had a society he was supposed to be running soon, but having a dream gave him fuel and drive for the first time in his life. To have all that ripped away by the demand of a dying old man would have made Rinne so angry if he could feel anything at all right now.
As if he was trying to listen, the smallest Amagi peaked his head out from the opposite side of the corridor quickly revealing himself and shuffling to his brother’s side.
“Was he angry with you?” Hiiro inquired. A question of habit.
“No.” A rare reply to that question.
“You seem upset,” he cocked his head much like a puppy again. It was something he did when he was genuinely perplexed and curious.
“Well, there isn’t much to feel good about after meeting with him when he’s sick and pissed off all the time like that.”
“Ah, I see,” Hiiro sighed, “You’re upset that our father is falling ill. Is that it?”
“Um, yeah,” Rinne clicked tongue, “I guess you could say that’s why I’m upset.” ‘He’s dying so now I have to take over. I’m not ready. I never have been,’ he thinks.
“That makes sense,” he nodded, “I haven’t spoken to our father in nearly a week now, well aside from today when I told him you were gone hunting. He hasn’t any reason to see me, I guess. I still wonder how he is doing though.”
‘He has plenty of reason to see you. You’re his son,’ Rinne thought to himself nearly rolling his eyes at the thought of his father continually ignoring his youngest son. That was the official dynamic in their family. It was just the three of them now. Their father put all of his attention on Rinne. Don’t be mistaken though. This was not good attention, and Rinne was by no means the favorite child. It was extremely apparent how much of a disappointment Rinne was viewed as in the eyes of his father. He carried it with him every day like a fifty-pound weight on his back at all times. All of his father’s time went to making sure Rinne knew he wasn’t worthy of the position he was born into. Juxtaposed, Hiiro may as well not have existed to him. Often writing him off as “stupid” and “incompetent”, he never paid any attention to Hiiro. At some point, he had been given the nickname the “Village Idiot.” The nickname entertained their father as opposed to enraging him as a father should be on behalf of his child. Rinne on the other hand had to fight the urge to snap the neck of anyone who used that nickname for his little brother. Hiiro took it well. If it hurt his feelings, he didn’t show it. After all, that’s what the Amagi boys were taught to do. Display of negative emotions never went unpunished in their family. It was, “unbecoming” of the future chief and his advisor slash spare heir to cry. Apparently, crying and pouting, albeit being children, only showed weakness which was unbecoming of the future representatives of their village. Suppressing these things, however, would allegedly display great strength and restore confidence in them, the disappointment and the idiot, in the eyes of their people. Rinne and Hiiro both took these rules very seriously careful not to receive punishment for their emotions. With years of practice, it gets easier to push these things down. Evidently in Rinne’s case, eventually you won’t feel them at all anymore.
The relationship between the father and his youngest son was strictly reduced to one of a boss and a lower-level employee. Rinne wondered if this ever bothered Hiiro. He sure made more of an effort to maintain good standing with him despite their lack of a relationship. Maybe that was just a survival instinct. Rinne had a difficult time discerning how Hiiro truly felt about anything.
“Wanna go to the river now?” He said instead.
Hiiro jumped at the question with an elated smile plastered across his face. It seemed he had decided once left alone that hanging out with his brother on his birthday would in fact make sense. Even despite his efforts to maintain a professional exterior to appease their father, he wasn’t immune to childlike excitement. Going to the river had been one of their favorite activities as kids.
Taking that reaction as a yes, Rinne shuttled his little brother over to their nearest river careful not to reveal the discontent he felt from the conversation with their father.
-
“Five skips. I win!” Hiiro cheered after throwing his rock. A prideful giggle escaped from his lips. They’d been playing for hours now completely losing track of time just as they always did as smaller children. The river and the games they would play together felt like a permanent preservation of their childhood together. A childhood Rinne carefully had to enforce despite their roles. The two of them weren’t allowed to play with the other village children to maintain a sense of hierarchy and seniority in the village. As a byproduct, the brothers were each other’s only friends.
“Ugh, whatever! So not fair y’know? It’s my birthday and you couldn’t even let me win? How cruel,” Rinne pretended to cry and theatrically clutched his chest attempting to entertain his little brother.
“Oh, I’m sorry,” Hiiro looked down, “Would you like me to leave then? I apologize.”
“Huh? No, silly. I’m just teasing you,” Rinne ruffled his brother’s hair again to serve as a remembrance that this was a conversation of affection from his older brother and not a protest from the future chief.
Hiiro fell quiet afterwards not sure how to respond. Rinne was used to that type of response by now. Instead of pushing it, he opted to scoot closer to Hiiro and sit next to him on the edge of the river quickly deducing that their game of skipping rocks was likely over. Rinne couldn’t have asked for a better way to spend his birthday than outside with his brother. Both boys stared down at their own reflection clear in the water. They really looked strikingly similar. If they were any closer in age, it would be entirely possible for them to be mistaken as fraternal twins. Both inherited the fiery red hair of their mother and the sharp cyan eyes of their father. Rinne felt a sense of pride knowing his brother strongly resembled him so much. It was like physical proof that Hiiro was his little brother to claim. Oh, how he loved him so. He wished there was a way he could convey this to Hiiro in a way he could see.
“Dad wants to see you married soon,” Hiiro blurted, “Is that what he spoke with you about?”
Rinne froze. That was definitely not what they spoke about. He couldn’t say he didn’t see this coming though. He closely watched Hiiro’s expression in the water. The current of the river careful and steady enough to where Rinne could clearly see his brother’s straight-lined yet pained expression reflecting back at them. If Rinne didn’t know any better, he would think his little brother seemed upset about the idea of Rinne marrying. Perhaps he wasn’t ready for Rinne to grow up yet. Rinne could understand that completely.
“No, that’s not what we talked about.”
“Oh,” his expression unchanged, “Well, do you want to get married?”
“Not really, no,” he sighed, “If I marry someone, it will be someone I choose for myself and on my own terms. Not for political purposes. It’d have to be someone I really truly love so I can stick it to him, y’know?” Rinne laid his head back on the ground and redirected his attention up to the evening sky beginning to sprinkle with illuminating stars as the sun started to take its leave of absence. The grass plush beneath him gently supporting his head as he looked above him away from his brother. Marriage wasn’t his goal right now. He didn’t even think he had the emotional capacity right now to love anyone else besides his brother anyway so it’d be futile. He had dreams he wanted to achieve before he even thought about marriage. “I want to be an idol.”
“A what?” Hiiro quickly joined him laying on his back as if moving closer to Rinne would clarify what he just said to him.
“An idol. They’re people in the city who sing, dance, and make other people happy by doing so. That’s what I want to do.” Rinne stared at the sky as if he was imagining a life bigger than the whole sky. A life as an idol.
“But you’re the future chief?” Hiiro couldn’t point his eyes at the sky, but only his at his big brother who wasn’t looking in his direction in the slightest. Hiiro’s cheek was pressed to the soft grass as he carefully studied his older brother’s expression aimed toward the sky. To Hiiro, there was nothing bigger than Rinne in this life. There was no world beyond him. That was the mantra engrained in him from birth and that’s what made sense to him. The idea of dreaming of something different was completely foreign to him. Something he could not yet conceptualize.
“That’s the problem, isn’t it?” Rinne bitterly laughed. He knew Hiiro wouldn’t understand, not yet. That was fine for now. “Do you ever get upset that we don’t have any friends our own age? Or any at all? It’s just you and I. Or, that we don’t get a say in what we want to do in a day? The other kids in our village all get to learn together and play together. You and I have to do that all alone. The kids in the city too are all having so much fun together, Hiiro. I watch them every time I run off and visit. I’m jealous, you know? I want to live a life like that.”
The numbness was eating him alive.
“I don’t understand,” he whispered as if accepting his fate that he wouldn’t. In a rare feat, Hiiro shifted his weight to hug Rinne on the soft ground. Rinne sharply gasped at the rare sudden display of affection. Still, he hugged him back and held him closely as he stared at the wide sky careful not to break eye contact. “Do you still want to die, Nii-san?”
If the hug was unexpected, this question absolutely outsold any shock he felt from the hug. “Huh? What do you mean, kiddo? I’m okay, truly.”
He lied.
“It’s just that when you were around my age, you would express feelings of wanting to die,” his voice slightly shaking, “You’d start talking about things you could do in another life. It scared me a bit since I am in charge of your safety.”
Oh, that. Rinne winced at the memory and his brother’s shaky voice just now. He regretted ever letting Hiiro know he had those feelings. At the time, he was too immature to understand how saying those types of things in front of his seven to eight-year-old brother could have possible repercussions later on.
There was some truth to it. It wasn’t a secret that Rinne Amagi, the future village chief, did not enjoy his appointed chief duties. He hated it, really. He had made it apparent for a long time now that he resented the pressure his father put on him. Still, he always did as he was told out of fear of what his father could do to punish him. It wasn’t good enough though. He always managed to fuck it up. After being physically punished enough, Rinne became slightly desensitized. He always took the blame for any childish mistakes Hiiro would make if he could. He can recall a time Hiiro broke a vase in the house since he had not looked where he was going. He was only six or so. An easy mistake for a six-year-old to make in the eyes of any normal parent. Knowing that their father lacked all traces of empathy, Rinne immediately rushed in to take the blame and punishment. All of this harsh punishment was supposedly in the name of making him a stronger and a better chief one day. Rinne didn’t buy it. He thinks his old man just enjoys a power trip since he doesn’t have control over much else in his life. Rinne knows how that feels now. He had no way out of his future. One that he doesn’t want and never did. He hoped he’d never become a power-hungry asshole like his father had become under the pressure.
So yeah, Rinne felt miserable and stuck. He wanted out. Maybe the only way out was to die. He had considered it several times over since he was around ten or eleven maybe. Especially now, since he was officially forbidden from visiting the city. Soon, he would be the official chief. Looks of disapproval would be coming from all of his people then instead of just his father. And now, there was room to disappoint a potential future spouse he was almost positive he wouldn’t get to pick for himself. He wanted to be someone who could make others happy. Being a failure of a chief that disappointed his people by galavanting off to the city whenever he felt like it, didn’t exactly align with the kind of adult he wanted to be.
“I’m not going to die if that’s what you’re asking,” Rinne finally replied. He hadn’t dared to look at his brother whom he was still holding close. He maintained eye contact with the sky as if breaking it would mean letting go of his dream for good.
“That’s not what I’m asking,” he retorted. “I asked you if you want to die. I know you won’t do it, and that you’re going to live. I was asking if you still want to.” He gripped onto his older brother harder deepening the hug. There was an unfamiliar intensity to his tone carrying the words with great importance. At only twelve, he was so wise and perceptive. Rinne wishes he could curse whoever nicknamed him the “Village Idiot” as they were blatantly incorrect. In his eyes, Hiiro is the most intelligent person Rinne has ever known.
“No, I don’t want to die,” he lied through his teeth. “I’m going to live and become chief soon,” he monotonously stated not able to bring himself to say it with pride even for the sake of the lie. Hiiro likely wasn’t satisfied with this as he felt him grab on even tighter as if he was dangerously close to losing his older brother. He thought of how he used to hold his mother tightly like this knowing he was close to losing her to the afterlife when she fell gravely ill. Rinne knows how it feels to lose your absolute world to the fate of death and never see them again as he went through with his mother. He couldn’t do the same to Hiiro.
They lay in silence watching the sun go down. The absence of the sun gave the stars room to shine their brightest. Rinne held Hiiro close to him like a baby careful not to let him go. Hiiro listened to the rise and fall of his brother’s chest as he drifted to sleep.
“I love you, Hiiro,” Rinne whispered into the darkness after the sun had finally set completely. “You know that, right?” he spoke still facing the sky now covered with stars. With the lack of reply, he finally concluded that his brother had fallen asleep on his chest. His heart could have exploded with fondness. Carefully, he sat up cradling his little brother’s head like it could break with any sort of pressure. He gently scooped him up to carry him home over his chest. Hiiro was a bit on the smaller side for a twelve year old which made him still easy to carry. In a deep sleep, Hiiro’s cheek fell onto Rinne’s shoulder continuing his soft snores.
They had missed dinner. Rinne made a note in his head to make sure his brother would have a proper breakfast in the morning as he laid him down to rest. He wasn’t sure if he himself would be hungry, however. With the ever-present feeling of existential dread, the innate loss of appetite presented itself. Another factor of the numb feeling inside consuming him.
“Do you still want to die, Nii-san?”
The question echoed in his head as he loomed over his sleeping baby brother. His face looked so sweet and peaceful as he slept. Comparable to one of a porcelain doll painted with rosy cheeks. His sleeping face read of a child without a care in the world. Not one of a child who is close to being orphaned at twelve, and is constantly worried for his brother. Rinne thought he would do anything in this world to make sure Hiiro looked as peaceful as he did right now forever.
He meant what he said earlier, to an extent. No, he wasn’t going to die. Truly, he didn’t think he could do that to Hiiro. Disappearing, however, maybe that wasn’t off the table.
He could run away from this life and not look back.
He could try. He could fucking try.
With that thought lingering, Rinne turned on his heel and walked to his own bedroom leaving his little brother tucked in and sleeping soundly.
A funny feeling arose in his chest as he fell to his own bed. One he hadn’t felt in a long time now. Not the same feeling he got when he was overwhelmed by his love for his brother. No, it definitely wasn’t that. He was all too familiar with that feeling as it was his most commonly experienced these days. It definitely wasn’t the same feeling of excitement he got when he ran off to learn more about idols. It felt similar, but definitely not the same.
It felt comparable to the moment his mother had delivered his little brother. The moment he got to hold him for the first time and cradle him gently. Back then, Rinne experienced a wide range of feelings all of the time. He was overcome with a ton of emotions the day he held Hiiro for the first time at just shy of the age of five.
Most of all he felt hope.
Hope.
That’s what it was.
Rinne was feeling hopeful for the first time in a very long time. Hopeful that this suffocating life would end. He wouldn’t cheat it with death, though. Not like his father was. He could run away and start over.
Was that cowardly? Perhaps. That’s certainly what his father would say the damn hypocrite. Rinne supposed he could live with feeling cowardice but living happily in the city over feeling numb and miserable for the rest of his life.
He loved his village. The people were nothing but warm and kind to him his whole life practically treating him akin to royalty. They lived freely and peacefully as they should safely guarding their culture protectively isolated from the city life. His affection for his village didn’t stop the constant pangs of jealousy he felt for them. Maybe he would have liked his life better had he not been born into a monarchy. Maybe he would have liked his life better if his mother were still here. Maybe he would have liked it better if his baby brother hadn’t been conditioned from birth to treat him like a chief and nothing more. Maybe he would have liked his life better if he didn’t have the father he did.
He was so scared of ending up like his father. He was terrified of looking in the mirror one day and seeing a direct reflection of his father beyond just the shared cyan eyes. He was terrified of letting the responsibility of chief consume him and allow him to grow into a bitter and angry man.
He already felt so hollow now before even officially inheriting the position. He was fucking terrified to think of what monster the numbness could manifest into one day.
Yeah, he had to leave.
He’d be happier in the city, right? At least there he’d have free will. He could learn to be an idol and make others smile. He imagined making friends beyond the confines of his little brother, forging friendships with people his own age. The thought of attending a school now seemed tantalizingly within reach the more he thought about it. He pictured himself holding one of those small sleek screens everyone in the city seemed to be walking around with. A smartphone? He thought an advertisement he read had said that’s what they were called. The city promised a kaleidoscope of new experiences. For the first time, the possibility of true happiness flickered brightly before him, a beacon of hope against the backdrop of his old, shadowy existence.
In the city, he wouldn’t feel this way anymore. This terribly numb feeling brought upon by the shackles of his role here in the village. His life wouldn’t go to waste out there. He could build a promising life out there for himself. Hell, maybe one day he could drag Hiiro out there and show him what it means to live.
He felt so much hope he swore he could feel a genuine smile begin to grow on his face as he drifted off to sleep himself. His seventeenth birthday coming to an unexpected positive close.