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Raph hated feeling angry. Not because anger is a bad feeling, it was useful when he needed to crush those bugs that got in the lair and freaked his brothers out. It was useful for forcing open the kitchen door when it's hinges broke and it got caught at a weird angle. It was even useful during training, as he could punch the mannequin bad guys and protect his brothers, even though the mannequins aren't alive.
But he hated the angry feeling, because he always had it. No matter what methods of calming down he tried, the anger was always there. And sure, in any other situation, he could be taught to control his anger, most likely by Splinter. But, no other adults were around and Splinter was often out of commission for days or weeks at a time.
So, while Raph couldn't directly control his anger, he also knew that couldn't ever afford to be angry. Because if he was angry, then hurt his brothers accidentally while angry, nobody could fix it. In the cartoons they watched, when a kid got hurt, the parent was there to help fix it up, and scold whoever was responsible for the hurt. But no parent was there to fix it for him. Raph never wanted his brothers to act like the adult and not have their childhood. So he took that burden.
Raph, as soon as he was old enough to realize that he was the oldest of his brothers and that Splinter was unreachable most days, decided to become the parental figure. Like most children, Raph thought he was as mature as adults; unlike most children, Raph was actually pretty close after a while.
At first, he thought it would be pretty easy. But with the amount of tears to soothe and scraped knees to bandage, he was beginning to get desperate. Every once in a while, he even had to secretly go to the surface for supplies. It's lucky there was both a nearby pharmacy and Stock n' Shop. Thrown away microwave meals and damaged bandage packages became like gold. Splinter never seemed to take notice of these trips.
But during all of it, the anger was still there. However, Raph had a new plan: he couldn't use or loose the anger, so he may as well try redirecting it. So, instead of reading that underlying current as anger, he chose to read it as worry for his brothers. His little brothers he had to sacrifice his childhood for, his little brothers who he needed to depend on him.
When they all got a bit older, and Raph was about seven, Splinter took the other three up to find clothes for the winter. Raph knew he wasn't brought along because he was big, so he stayed in their sewer home. He was determined to make it as safe and cozy as possible for winter. He didn't account for one thing, though.
As expected for a child left alone to fend for himself and his brothers, Raph had some abandonment issues. That underlying current of anger came full force when left alone, because it could no longer be disguised as worry for his brothers. They weren't here, after all. Raph doesn't exactly have great object permanence, as you may come to find.
So when Splinter and the others returned to find Raph in the middle of a wrecked living room, looking completely out of it, they were all worried. After a bit of testing and some questioning, they figured out that Raph couldn't be left alone for very long. It made his brothers worried, and would have made Splinter worry. However, he was soon out of commission again, and forget all about it.
He once tried to bring his others sons up again, and only left one to stay with Raph when all the children nagged at him and reminded him Raph couldn't be alone. Whether he truly remembered Raph couldn't be alone or just left one to stop the nagging was impossible to know. At least Raph wouldn't ever be alone again, at least not on purpose.
But, what were soon dubbed Savage Raph episodes terrified Raph to his core. Savage Raph meant the anger was still there, Savage Raph meant he could hurt his brothers, Savage Raph meant he wasn't as mature as he hoped and that his brothers couldn't always rely on him. But if he wasn't a reliable source for his brothers to go to, what could he even do?
So the anger was disguised again. Not as simple worrying, but as mother-henning.
Mikey couldn't be a responsible teen, that would mean that he didn't need Raph. So, instead, he was still an immature child. He would still need Raph then, right?
Leo wasn't a leader type, that would mean Raph was kicked out of the one position he could have on the team, if only by default. So Leo must be lax about planning and doesn't ever want the responsibility of leader. Then Raph could always have a purpose on the team, right?
Donnie couldn't be prepared for every contingency, then that would mean he'd never need Raph to protect him. So, obviously he's never planned for the out-of-left-field twists. That way Raph could still be needed by him as a shield. Then Raph could still have some purpose in his brother's life, right?
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Donnie hated feeling under-utilized. He'd always liked making things, some more useful than others, and always appreciated a challenge. So, when Splinter gave them their weapons as part of their...training? Not even training; Splinter meant it as training but never did much. Anyways, when Donnie got a simple stick, he felt, frankly, insulted.
He was only a child after all, and maybe if Splinter was coherent more often, he'd have explained it was because Donnie needed to not rely on tech. But, Splinter was out of it and Donnie just wanted to feel useful. Leo got swords, Raph got two trident-looking weapons, and Mikey got fun weapons he could swing around. A literal stick wasn't very useful, at least in Donnie's eyes.
So, he improved it. First, he added a retractable blade as a test, and Splinter didn't say anything. Then, there was the flamethrower attachment. Not a word. Within a year, Donnie had harvested enough high-grade titanium and weapon parts from dubious sources to make his prototype tech-bo. Splinter never even seemed to realize.
Donnie was fine with that. Even though he was smart as a whip, he was young enough to still have naive child hope. He hoped Splinter never said anything because he didn't mind Donnie making a tech-bo, as opposed to not saying anything because he didn't notice. The lack of any praise did leave him with a niggling feeling that it was the latter, but Donnie squished it down, still clinging to that last strand of hope.
The others were a bit worried about Donnie changing the weapon he was given, but Donnie didn't care much. If Splinter actually seemed to care about their training, sure Donnie would feel a little guilty for not using the weapon he was entrusted with. But, Splinter wasn't training them, so no guilt was to be found.
And besides, the tech-bo was at least useful. It had a myriad of weapons stored inside, plus plenty of other helpful tools. Fire extinguisher, storage compartments, multi-tool, and more. Donnie loved a challenge more than anything, and cramming everything inside the bo-staff was definitely challenging.
Comforting gestures aren't Donnie's strong suit either, so tech to the rescue. He made a storage compartment solely for teddy bear storage, that way Raph would have one in case of a sudden anxiety attack. It happened more often than either would like to admit, so the compartment was useful.
There's a few granola bars stashed in various storage pockets as well. Leo has a tendency to get bitey when stressed or hungry, so the granola bars help with those situations. Plus, Donnie's always slightly nervous about red-eared sliders' tendency towards eating softshells, so there are plenty of snacks to appease the hungries.
Mikey's storage spots have fidget toys, because even though he can stim fine without them, he did like having them as a weight, however miniscule. There was also what is functionally a tiny blanket; a scrap of material that Mikey loves the texture of, useful for meltdowns or when stimming doesn't do quite enough.
Donnie liked finally feeling useful to the team. He's the de-facto smart guy, of course he should have some cool techy weaponry. If it also happens to be what he attaches his self-worth to, well, that's none of your (or his brothers') business. He'll make an important part of the team.
He's not the important part, mind you, the tech is. Donnie may have an ego the size of the moon, but he at least recognizes that truth.
Because, honestly, what use could his brothers have for *him?* A turtle who didn't even have the proper turtle-only defense and is an absolute mess on the mental health side. Donnie'll stick to making tech, so at least then he can be useful in a fight, or in life.
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Leo hated feeling sad. It ate at him to be anything other than jolly and happy-go-lucky. He always felt like he had to cover for the emotions of his brothers. Donnie especially; that’s why he declared them twins when they chose birthdays. But all of his brothers, too.
If Raph was angry and Splinter was about to make a comment that wouldn’t end up helping, Leo always had to distract with his antics. If Donnie was about to throw his tech at a wall for not working, Leo had to be the one to cool the situation with a joke, or least have Donnie hit the non-fragile Leo instead of breaking hard to get materials. If Mikey was being too loud just by virtue of his nature, Leo had to join in so he’d get the brunt of the scolding as the older sibling.
Not to mention, they were bored. They were four kids living in the sewers for Pete’s sake! And they couldn’t just leave. First off, Splinter never took them out often enough for them to be comfortable above ground. Secondly, no way were they leaving in case Splinter never noticed them gone. Unlike most kids sneaking out, the turtles wanted their dad to notice their absence.
To combat this boredom, Leo acted dumb. He did stupid things to make them laugh. When Donnie made a skateboard, he made sure to learn cool tricks to inspire the others to learn them, and keep them distracted just that bit longer.
When Splinter gave them weapons to train them, Leo only took up his duty more than ever. He connected the dots quicker than anyone else. There had to be a reason Splinter wanted them to know how to fight. And as cool as it looked in movies, fighting hurt people. You couldn’t come out of a fight without someone losing something.
And so Leo distracted the others from this conclusion. Daring them to do dumb stunts so Donnie and Raph could say that was the dangerous part, and not understand that the fundamental danger was way beyond them. He made up catchphrases, encouraging the others to make their own or steal them from the movies they watch. Anything to make them feel like they got literal weapons for something fun.
And once they started growing up, Leo kept up his jolly nature. Because someone had to be the comic relief. The others weren’t ready for the other shoe to drop without a joke to follow it up. They just weren’t.
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Mikey hated being treated as fragile. He understood the sentiment, he was pretty obviously the youngest of the four, or at least the most immature. But he wasn’t fragile. He could do everything his brothers could do, and more! But, they treated him as fragile. Because that’s how they were told to.
Not directly.
Splinter was not there, mentally, often enough to notice Mikey growing up. He still treated Mikey as young, as young as ever, because he didn’t realize his kids were growing up in front of his eyes. And this behavior subconsciously rubbed off on the others. They loved their dad, they really did, so anything they could do to be like how he wanted or thought they were, they would follow.
It’s why Raph was leader; he was oldest, so why wouldn’t he be?
It’s why Donnie was the smart one; Splinter called him that, so obviously he was.
It’s why Leo was the prankster; too often Splinter would have to scold the turtle, and that behavior would just persist, right?
And it’s why Mikey was fragile. Because he was young, because he was the baby, because Splinter couldn’t see he wasn’t a tiny turtle in a cardboard box anymore. Because Splinter wasn’t there to say anything different.
Mikey hated how Splinter just wasn’t there. He was the one to sit by Splinters bedroom on nights her couldn’t sleep, just praying to whatever would listen that Splinter would come out and take care of him.
But he later realized Splinter wouldn’t. That was the only reason Mikey ever wanted to be treated as fragile, so that he could actually get comfort. But he never would.
So Mikey hated being fragile.