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Jay releases a loud sigh of relief when he watches the last member disappear around the corner to their hotel room down the hall. He immediately leans against the nearest wall, wincing with pain, slamming his hand against the wall to hold himself up and not fall down to the floor.
His eyebrows furrow together as he takes in several deep breaths, trying to ignore the throbbing in his knee. The manager’s eyes widen at the sudden display of distress and steps forward, mouth opening to ask what’s wrong. But before he can say anything, Jay speaks.
“I think I need to see a doctor.”
Jay had issues with his knees on and off for months since he first injured it during the Fate concert in US. After staying up late with the members to practice for their concert and prepare for the comeback, he had overworked his body and pulled a ligament during a specific dance move.
And knee injuries usually require weeks of rehab that Jay never really had the time for, schedules filled with filming, more concerts, award shows and preparations for the next comeback.
His knee constantly bothered him, never going back to the way it was before. He slowly got used to the twinges of pain and stiffness that sometimes caused him to have a slight limp. But he never let it stop him, just working through the pain. Everyone lived with some sort of pain. His was nothing.
But sometimes the pain would worsen during their gruelling schedules and his limp would be noticed by the members or the team, who forced him to skip some practices to rest or seek out medical treatment if it was bad. And then he would be back to normal in a few days.
Yet this time Jay knows it’s different. That it isn’t something he can simply apply ice or heat and rest and continue with his day.
His knee had been screaming at him for the past couple of week, which Jay ignored, like usual. But practicing for Fatal Trouble, which had difficult floor choreography that required Jay to slide his knee against the floor and pull Sunoo as well, and practicing choreographies for their upcoming comeback and concerts, well it was a lot and too much for Jay’s knee.
And towards the end of the Hiroshima concert, Jay felt something snap. But the adrenalin allowed him to push through the concert and go all the way to the hotel without paying much attention to it.
But the small moment of standing still in the elevator allowed his body to completely register the injury to his knee and suddenly it was on fire, heat scorching up and down the leg, centred at the joint, throbbing.
As they walked out of the elevator and Jay placed pressure on the leg, he almost crumbled right there and then. But seeing the backs of the members, weighed down with exhaustion and stress, he bit his lip hard and tensed his body, continuing like nothing happened.
He didn’t need them to see him like this and worry, knowing that everyone was tired and just wanted to go to bed. So he held it in.
And as soon as they left, he wanted to scream and cry, knee aching so bad that he could faint. The pinch of anxiety in his chest told him that this wasn’t something that he can rest overnight and continue with the concert next day.
Jay hates admitting defeat like this. He thinks that he has a good grasp of his limits. But it seems like he doesn’t because he had pushed himself too far that now he can’t stand on his leg without sharp pain shooting up his knee, leaving him crippled.
As soon as the manager understands the extent of the injury, he immediately makes several phone calls and takes Jay to the nearest emergency room. The entire time, Jay prays for good news.
“You can’t participate in tomorrow’s concert.” Jay’s eyes widen with horror and quickly shakes his head. He foregoes the moment for the translator to translate to his manager and begins to speak in Japanese.
“No no. You don’t understand. I have to do it. I can’t sit out. Just give me a cortisone shot.” The doctor’s facial lines harden when he hears Jay’s protest, seriousness etched in his eyes.
“Jay-san. You mentioned that this injury has been bothering you for several months and instead of taking the necessary time to recover and go to rehab, you’ve been just getting cortisone shots. Correct?”
Jay nods meekly, lips pursed, disliking the scolding tone. “Well, if you continue this way, that knee will never recover and you may never walk again, let alone dance.”
Jay’s heart stills.
He knows it’s bad, the constant stiffness and pain. But he thought it was something he could handle. He’s strong.
But that isn’t enough. He immediately feels a familiar pinch behind his eyes and blinks quickly, not wanting to cry in front of his manager or a doctor in a foreign country.
The translator quickly translates the conversation to the manager, whose eyes widen with concern. The doctor provides more information about how it is pertinent that Jay does no choreography and puts as little pressure on his knee till he gets the necessary rehab back home.
He also makes sure to emphasize that if they continue to ignore it, that Jay will never be able to perform again.
After, the doctor administers a cortisone shot, only to help with the pain and reduce the swelling, and that it is not a solution meant for Jay to be able to perform tomorrow. Jay thanks the doctor and leaves.
The manager runs his hand through his hair, muttering under his breath, stressed, and makes more phone calls, not expecting the news. This was clearly not in the plans for the company, with a concert tomorrow, Music Core in two days and a comeback in less than three weeks. Jay feels a pang of guilt.
Jay’s heart thunders in his chest at the thought of not being able to participate in the comeback that the group has worked so hard for and begins to have difficulty breathing. His ears buzz with static. He doesn’t know what is happening. This can’t be-
Before Jay’s thoughts spiral, the manager interrupts them. “Jay-ssi. I’ve spoken to the company. You won’t be participating in the concert tomorrow or Music Core. We will go back to Seoul and get the treatments required.”
Jay quickly protests, but one scathing look from the manager shuts him up as quickly. “Can’t I just sit during the concert and sing? My upper body is fine,” he pleads, eyes wide and shiny. The manager hums, nodding. “Let’s discuss that tomorrow. For now, it’s late and you need to get some rest.”
Jay nods and follows the manager back to the hotel, not saying another word. As soon as he gets into his room, the silence of the room weighs on him and the severity of the situation hits him.
He isn’t performing tomorrow. He can’t dance with the members. He is going to let the fans down, fans who have been waiting to see him. He’s going to let the members down. He’s ruining everything.
Without changing out of his clothes, he climbs under the covers and turns his face into the pillow and cries, soft sobs filling the room. And he falls asleep like that, with streaks of tears on his face, a heavy heart and an aching knee.
⋆ ⭒ ☆ ⭒ ⋆
The next morning the members arrive to the venue. They have multiple cars available, so some members sleep in and prefer to arrive just before rehearsals versus others that like to eat breakfast at the venue. So no one realizes that Jay is missing till it’s time for rehearsals.
“Where’s Jay hyung?” Jungwon asks, thinking that someone forgot to wake him up. The manager forces a tight smile as the rest of the members notice that he isn’t there yet. “Yesterday Jay’s knee was acting up.”
Explanations of surprise fall from their lips, eyes filling with worry. None of them had noticed. The manager nods, agreeing with their surprise because no one from the staff also noticed until Jay mentioned it himself.
But Jay was like that. He never liked to burden anyone with his problems. Even when he was first injured, he tried to hide it but his limp gave it away.
“I took him the to the doctor and he isn’t allowed to do any choreography and has been advised to place as little pressure on it as possible till he gets treatment.”
“What?”
“Is he okay?”
“Where is he?”
“He’s okay. I told him that he can rest a bit at the hotel and come in later. He insisted on still participating in the concert.” Before the boys can protest, the manager continues. “The company agreed to let him sit for the duration of it.” The boys sigh with relief, and they start rehearsals, but are antsy to lay their eyes on Jay and make sure he is okay.
When the boys see Jay enter the waiting room, they immediately get up and surround him like baby chickens flocking around their mother. He directs a tight smile at them, leaning against the manager who is helping them walk.
“Jay-ah.”
“Hyung are you okay?”
“Does it hurt a lot?”
“What happened?”
“Be careful!”
Jungwon wiggles his way to Jay’s side and takes over for the manager, wrapping his arm around Jay’s back, hand settling in the dip of his waist. Jay smiles gratefully at him, leaning against him and slowly walk to the nearest couch.
After he gets settled, he takes a look at the members, all showing clear signs of concern and distress. He hates this. He hates seeing them worry, especially over him.
“Hyung. Are you okay?” Jungwon speaks up, words soft and gaze even softer. The members lean forward, desperate to hear him say something, anything.
How does Jay even begin to answer that question? No, he’s not okay. How can he be when he is a pathetic excuse of a human, who can’t use the two legs that are given to him. And that he’s sorry that he is a burden to the team, holding them back. They already changed some choreographies because of his knee and now he can’t even dance with them.
I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry.
But all Jay does is smile, corners of his lips shaking and quietly says, “I’m okay.” Hearing those two words releases the tension from everyone. “It swelled up bad after the concert. The doctor says I just have to rest for a few days and then I’ll be as good as new.”
“But hyung,” Sunoo whines, eyes shining with dejection. Jay laughs. “It’s okay. It’s okay. I’ll still be with you all during the concert so you guys are still stuck with me.” Jay winks, making the boys laugh.
“But not Music Core,” Ni-ki speaks up, lips in a pout. Jay chuckles, shaking his head. “Yeah. I’ll be going home early. You’ll be free of me then,” Jay tries to joke, but the members just smile sadly, not liking that Jay is hurt or will be missing a schedule. It never feels complete unless it's all seven of them together.
“It’s okay,” Jay reassures them again, smiling as bright as he can. But he doesn’t know if the words are to ease the worries of the members or his own. Either or, it doesn’t work because the members still look at him with concern and his chest is tight with anxiety.
“Okay, now you guys go along and get ready for soundcheck. Can’t have you slacking off now hmm?” Jay jokes, eyes twinkling. The members laugh lightly, shaking their heads and leave him alone. And the smile instantly drops from his face when he watches the last member walk out the waiting room, hand immediately falling to his knee and massaging it, the throbbing a constant reminder of his incapability.
“Jay-ssi. Do you need anything?” Jay smiles, holding back the wince of pain. “Maybe some pain medicine and a massage.” The doctor had prescribed a strong dose of medication, which he had already taken in the morning, but the pain never went away.
When the announcement is posted about Jay’s injury, he reads the reactions of the fans and his heart breaks even more, filling with hate directed towards himself. He hates how he is making the fans worry, and that isn’t his job. His job is to make them happy.
Jay grits his teeth, putting his phone away and watches his reflection in the mirror, eyes dull. But with a sharp breath and a forced smile, he looks back to normal. Or as normal as he can be.
And through it all, he doesn’t notice the heavy gaze on him that notices the persona that Jay has put on that everything is okay. But he isn’t and that comes to fruition during the concert.
⋆ ⭒ ☆ ⭒ ⋆
Jay sits on a chair, alone, in the corner of the stage in order to not come in the way when the boys dance in the middle. He smiles at the fans that are waving their light sticks and holding up their phones, cheering the six members standing on stage, dancing.
His eyes never leaves the back of the members, watching them and thinking about how he should be up there. But he can’t and it’s all his fault. And at that point, he never hated himself more.
But Jay continues to force a smile, not wanting to worry the fans or the members. He plays along with the antics of the members, who are being extra playful with him. Especially the younger ones, who uses every opportunity they get to come to him during the concert.
He knows what they are trying to do and it’s cute. He really appreciates it. But at the same time it just makes him hate himself even more because he is inconveniencing the members and also ruining the concert for the fans.
Maybe it wasn’t the best idea to sit during the concert, having the fans see him like this, an incompetent part of Enhypen. And as the concert continues and Jay watches the boys do their job as artists that he can’t, his heart feels heavy.
Jay promised himself that he wouldn’t cry. And told the members that he wasn’t crying during the the last part of the concert. But then they start to sing Blossom for the encore and the members one by one walk over to stand by him. He feels the weight of Ni-ki on his back and Jungwon and Sunoo’s hands on his shoulders.
The familiar pinch behind his eyes form and tears start to pool at the corners and he knows if he doesn’t stop them now, they will fall. So he pushes all those feelings down and lowers his face so the camera doesn’t capture his eyes shining with tears and sings his last line.
“This emotion, which cannot be put into words, is screaming out in a naked voice.”
And he bursts.
He pushes his glasses up and covers his face, crying, tears pooling into his palm. He feels multiple hands on him and hears the surprise of the fans. And everything hurts, knee aching and heart heavy. He gasps for air as tears continue to fall down.
All the anxiety and self-hatred pours out and at that moment, surrounded by the members and fans, he never felt more loved and alone at the same time.
He wipes his tears, managing a wobbly smile and tells them that he’s okay. He walks to the centre of the stage with Jungwon’s arm like an anchor around his waist and the other members surrounding him.
And with one last smile to the crowd, he grabs the water bottle from Sunoo and pours it all over his face, wetting his shirt and bids Hiroshima good night.
⋆ ⭒ ☆ ⭒ ⋆
Jay hears a sharp knock on the door. He sighs, wondering who it is and wobbles to the door, opening it.
“Hyung,” Jungwon greets him with a wide smile. Surprise flashes across Jay’s eyes as Jungwon walks into the hotel room like it’s his own and sits down at the small dining table by the window.
“Huh? Jungwon-ah?” Jay closes the door and walks over. Jungwon turns around, eyes twinkling. “Did you order?” Jay shakes his head slowly, not understanding what is happening. “Okay good. I really want steak.”
“Jungwon. What are you doing here?” Jay asks. Jungwon’s sharp eyes look up. “I’m having dinner with you.” Jay smiles tiredly. “Jungwon. It’s okay. I’m okay.”
Jungwon already has so much on his plate as the leader and he doesn’t need to be baby sat right now. Jungwon’s eyebrows furrow with determination, something flashing across it quickly before settling with a knowing glint.
“Hyung. Just let me, okay.” Jay searches his face. “Fine,” he mutters softly, sitting on the other side of the table. “Let’s order,” Jungwon smiles brightly, reading the menu, trying to pronounce the Japanese words.
As Jungwon continues to munch on the chocolate cake he ordered for dessert, Jay gets ready for bed, the exhaustion of the difficult day weighing on him. He climbs into bed and lays sideways so he can still talk to Jungwon. During a natural pause in the conversation about a random topic, Jay speaks up.
“Thanks Jungwon-ah.”
Jay looks away from Jungwon’s scrutinizing gaze. Because no matter how much Jay tries to hide, Jungwon always manages to finds him. And he always knows what to do. That it was hard for Jay to sit out during the concert and watch them perform without him. And that his knee hurts and his heart. And that he wouldn't want to be alone with his thoughts.
“Anytime hyung,” Jungwon replies softly, heart aching for his hyung. And before he leaves, he takes out his camera, “Smile hyung.”