Chapter Text
Jay wakes up to a heavy pit in his stomach and forcefully swallows, feeling nauseous. He can feel anxiety at the tips of his fingers, making him sick. He wants to say that this is because he didn’t sleep much and had to wake up early, so he isn’t feeling great. But he knows that isn’t it.
It is because he will be on an airplane in a few hours, which will ascend into the air and fly them across the globe.
Jay has flown on airplanes since he was a young boy, following his dad on business trips and taking multiple family vacations during the year. It wasn’t anything new or foreign to him. He has also continued to fly after debut. Each time, he would get a thrill. He loved to seek out new experiences and found joy from leaving his monotonous life and get emerged into a new culture.
But this time, he doesn’t feel that joy. Instead he feels dread. Dread about having to get up and change into the clothes he had picked out a few days ago. Dread to leave the dorms and get into the car, driving to the airport. Dread to walk through the crowds of fans and media photographers. And dread to step onto the airplane and fly.
This is all his fault. Jay is the one responsible for his own state of anxiety that is making him feel sick to his stomach.
They had ended the previous day with a dance practice, leaving him with unspent adrenalin that prevented him from falling asleep quickly. So to pass the time, he had reached for his phone and opened YouTube, clicking a suggested video on his home. He continued to watch random videos and one thing led to another and he found himself watching videos of airplanes.
Specifically, the dangers of flying in on. Jay knows that smart engineers have made it safe to fly more than 30, 000 feet above the stability of the ground. But there is always a risk of malfunctions. And that is all he can think about as he lays in bed.
The thought about the airplane just stop working in the middle of the air and plummet down to its demise, killing everyone and himself on impact. Or the plane crashing onto a small island, stranded in the middle of the ocean. The worst is the plane crashes, and everyone dies except him, leaving him alone.
Jay had become so immersed about plane crashes that he went the extra step to search about it. He read numerous scientific articles and discovered that there is a 0.0004% chance of an airplane crashing or a 0.34% of it malfunctioning. Now that may seem insignificant but what if? What if Jay is that 0.0004%? What if he is that 0.34%?
Jay had also read an article about the disappearance of flight 370. His skin had erupted into goosebumps when he found out 239 people had simply disappeared. How is that even possible? What scared him more was the idea that their technological advancements have still not found them.
So Jay is clearly feeling more nervous than usual about flying. He really wants to stay home in the comfort of his bed, and preferably never leave the country again. But he knows that isn’t possible. He is an idol with responsibilities and schedules to attend.
Thinking of the fans waiting for him, he takes a huge, deep breath, trying to push the nausea deep enough so he doesn’t feel it anymore. And with that, he stands up. He ignores the whispers of his fears about flying today and gets ready, focusing on the sound of the members outside of his room.
But it is wishful thinking that Jay will be okay. It was easy for him to not think about the flying part when he was focused on making sure he didn’t get mobbed by the fans, didn’t fall on his face, didn’t embarrass himself in front of the cameras and successfully check in.
It is when he sits down in the private lounge after the chaos, waiting to board, is when the flurry of thoughts come back, filled of equipment malfunctions and airplane crashes.
“Hyung, are you okay?” Jungwon interrupts Jay’s thoughts. Jungwon had looked over and saw how Jay’s face was scrunched up, looking like he was in pain or something. “Huh?” Jay looks up, eyes unfocused. “You look kind of constipated,” Jungwon comments, a lilt of teasing.
“Hmm,” Jay licks his lip, one of his knees beginning to move up and down with anxiety. “Just,” Jay begins but stops, chewing on his bottom lip and wincing when he scratches a previous wound. Jungwon continues to watch, eyes filling with worry when noting that Jay doesn’t look too good.
Jay takes a breath, chest aching and swallows before saying in a hurry, words spewing out, “Did you know that there is a 0.34% chance of the flight malfunctioning?” Jungwon’s eyebrows furrow with confusion at the sudden fact, not understand what Jay is trying to say. He looks at the older boy with amusement, thinking about the many times he said random facts without any explanation.
Jay lets out an awkward chuckle at the silence, chewing on his bottom lip again. “Jongseong-ah,” Heeseung speaks up, having overheard their conversation. “Did you read something again?” he asks in a chastising tone, eyes narrowed. Jay nods quickly, lips pursing as he looks at Heeseung with wide eyes, clear with fear.
Heeseung shakes his head and turns back to his phone but Jay speaks up again, stealing his attention. “Like if you think about it, we are literally flying thousands of feet up in the air that can just fall apart.” His voice trembles as he hears his fears said out loud, now into existence.
“Jay-ah,” Jake says, “You really need to stop reading those articles.” This wasn’t the first time Jay had read something and thought about it constantly for days, mentioning it at every chance he got.
Sunghoon laughs, “You’ve been flying for years. I think you’ll be okay.” He shakes his head fondly, “Just stop thinking about it.” But it’s easy said than done. Nonetheless Jay nods, trying to take his advice seriously. Jay’s lips purses in concentration as he tries to stop the flurry of thoughts taking over his mind.
The laughs of the members are muffled by the sudden thundering of blood in his ears, his anxiety slowly building up in the bit of his stomach. He closes his eyes, taking slow deep breaths, trying to calm his pounding heart.
Soon everything is a blur and before Jay knows it, he is sitting in his seat, buckled in. He looks up and notes that Heeseung is beside him and the other members are scattered around. Heeseung has already removed his shoes and changed into the slippers provided by the airline.
He sees the air hostess walking down the aisle, providing warm towels before the takeoff. He takes it, hand encased in warmth and twists it between his fingers, water squeezing out and making a mess of his pants. But he doesn’t notice it.
Because a sudden intense fear takes over Jay, his limbs numbing. The only thing he can hear now is his heart beat, which has made its way up to his ears. The pulse increases in beat as his thoughts become frantic.
Lub dub. It’s going to crash. Lub dub. 0.0004% chance. Lub dub. It’ll malfunction. Lub dub. And fall. Lub dub. We’re going to die. Lub dub. All die. Lub dub. 0.34%. Lub dub. Need. Lub dub. To. Lub dub. Get. Lub dub. Out. Lub dub. Now.
His thoughts are disrupted when he feels the thrum of the engine and echo of the pilot’s voice over the speaker as he introduces himself and provides information about the flight time. And then his body lurches forward as the plane begins to move to the runoff for takeoff. And soon off the ground and into the sky.
Jay can’t stop fidgeting, leg shaking and hands now twisting into the hem of the shirt, warm towel forgotten on the floor. A cold sweat takes over, shivers running through his body as his head begins to pound. He needs to get out. Now.
Jay’s hands slam and squeeze onto the arm rest aggressively, nails digging into the plastic fabric, sinking in as the plane begins to gain speed.
“I can’t. I can’t,” Jay mutters under his breath. His heart is beating so fast he thinks it will crawl up his throat. His airways feel like they are blocked by his heartbeat, lungs now burning with the lack of oxygen. He is breathing but nothing is going in. Oh god, he is going to die.
Heeseung glances over when he notes how white Jay’s fingers are from gripping the arm rest so tightly. His eyes move up and widen when they land on Jay’s face, side profile pale and lips constantly moving, babbling something he can’t make out over the loud sound of the airplane.
“Jay?” Heeseung asks hesitantly, unsure of what is wrong. But Jay can’t hear over the engine or the pulse, that is pounding in his ear. Heeseung begins to worry, noting that Jay is doing that thing when he is nervous. Shaking his leg frantically.
“Jongseong-ah?” Heeseung leans in closer, louder but still soft. “Huh?” Jay looks up abruptly, eyes wide, filled with fear. Heeseung’s eyes mirror his, but fear over his dongsaeng. “What? What’s wrong?” he asks frantically.
Jay’s eyes begin wet with tears and answers in a broken voice, “We’re going to crash.” Heeseung shakes his head, “No Jongseong. We aren’t. Stop thinking about whatever you read. You’re making yourself anxious. We are okay.”
“No. No,” Jay’s voice shakes as he tries to hold back the tears threatening to spill, “No. You don’t understand. We’re going to crash.” Jay let’s out a small squeak when the plane finally takes off, ascending.
Heeseung can physically see Jay stop breathing, eyes wide and jaw hanging open, lips trembling as fear takes over his body. Heeseung clasps a hand on Jay’s hand that is gripping the arm rest and says in a firm tone, trying to get Jay out of his own head and stop panicking, “Jay.”
Heeseung’s touch is a like a splash of cold water that releases Jay from his fear and opens his throat, allowing air to finally get into his burning lungs. Jay takes mouthful of airs, head spinning from the lack of oxygen.
“Breath with hyung,” Heeseung says. “Breath. With. Hyung.” And Jay does. 1. 2. Inhale. 1. 2. Exhale. Over and over again until his lungs have the air it needs, his pulse is no longer pounding in his ears and heart calm. He can still feel the anxiety in the pit of his stomach making him feel nauseous. But it isn’t enough to make him freeze with fear.
He gives Heeseung a shaky smile, silently telling him that he is okay. That he will be okay. And a silent thank you too. Heeseung smiles softly and nods, lifting his hand off of Jay’s. But Jay chases after it with a whine, curling his fingers back over Heeseung’s.
Heeseung looks up with fondness while Jay looks away, shy. But he doesn’t let go. The hand grounding him and calming the frantic thoughts in his head. And Heeseung lets him be. Jay holds his hand till the plane has completely ascended and he holds it again when they are descending. As they board off, Jay leans in from behind and whispers, “Thanks hyung.”
And after that, Jay always finds himself seated beside Heeseung on their flights with a warm, firm hand on his every time.