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Heights had never been frightening to Chuuya. It sort of came with the territory of being able to control gravity; you didn't tend to fear it. Not when you could manipulate it, force it to bend to your whim, catch yourself seconds from the ground without getting a scratch no matter how far you'd fallen to get there.
His lack of fear was normal in these circumstances. But he knew others were afraid of heights and that, he could understand. He was sure that if it wasn't for his ability he would probably have a more normal, healthy fear himself.
It was only natural to fear that which could kill you.
Unless, of course, your name was Osamu Dazai. He didn't seem to fear anything, the closest to fear he ever really portrayed was annoyance or indifference, even when he came face to face with almost certain demise.
What else was to be expected of a suicidal maniac?
It had taken years for Chuuya to see it for what it was, though. To see through the forced mania and to the heart of the issue; to Dazai, there was nothing more frightening than staying alive. How could you show fear normally when you were forced to face it every time you took a breath, every time you opened your eyes, every time your heart beat in your chest?
Dazai was never afraid because he was so used to coming face to face with his truest, darkest fear.
It's why, when Chuuya found him sitting on the very edge of the roof of one of the Port Mafia's skyscrapers, he simply walked over to the edge to sit next to him without so much as a skip of his heartbeat.
Neither of them were afraid of the height or of falling.
“Hey, idiot,” Chuuya said, keeping his gaze out across the sprawling streets of Yokohama. They weren't facing the bay today. It was worse than he thought, then. “You gonna fall today?”
It was his standard greeting whenever he found Dazai up here.
“I haven't decided yet,” was the response. Yeah, definitely not a good day.
Dazai had a few standard replies, as well. Most often it was to scoff and tell him “no, not yet”, occasionally it would be “I could, but I won't.“ Then there was this, where he was balanced on the precipice, unsure. Chuuya was still waiting to see what would happen when the answer was ”yes“, but he wasn't sure he ever wanted to know.
Chuuya didn't respond. Not because he didn't care, but because he knew he didn't need to. There was little he could say to sway Dazai's thoughts on this, he just had to let his partner fight through his own feelings until he made up his mind. The best he could offer was his silent presence.
It was enough.
After a while, Dazai let out a low hum. “I don't think I will. Probably not. It's unlikely.“ It wasn't the sure and absolute ”no“ that Chuuya would prefer, but he would take it.
”Good, because as much as I enjoy free falling, I don't really want to have to jump after you,“ he said, letting the hint of his normal teasing tone through with none of the bite.
”I don't want to do a double suicide with you, anyway,“ Dazai answered, and his voice had no bite either. Really, it didn't betray any emotion at all.
“Do you want me to leave?”
“No.”
”Still fighting the demons in there, then?“ Chuuya asked, flicking his forehead lightly. Dazai shot him an annoyed look but, as with his voice, there was little heat to it. He hummed in response and that let Chuuya know the answer was “yes”. ”Do you need help with them? I've been told I'm a pretty good fighter.“
”No,“ Dazai said. Chuuya didn't take offense. It wasn't about him.
”Do you want me to shut up?“ Chuuya asked next.
”Yes.”
Chuuya smiled a little at how quick the answer came. Still, he had one last thing to say. “Touches are okay, in case you were wondering”
He looked out to the city once more as he waited patiently to see if Dazai would take him up on the offer or not, falling silent as Dazai had asked.
It was never a sure thing for Dazai. None of this was. Sometimes he wanted Chuuya to talk, to keep making some kind of conversation even if it was one-sided, and sometimes he just wanted silence. Sometimes he didn't even want Chuuya to sit with him, though that was pretty rare. Sometimes he wanted to banter, to let Chuuya properly distract him from his own thoughts.
And sometimes he wanted this; Chuuya felt as a hand very slowly and carefully wrapped around his wrist, lifting his hand up and then setting it down, now resting on top of one of Dazai's on the concrete roof. Then Dazai's head rested on his shoulder, and Chuuya squeezed the hand gently.
Dazai had issues with touch, usually. He wasn't used to casual touches, hands on the back or heads on the shoulder. Chuuya had noticed the way he would flinch when Chuuya would reach for him when they were younger. Eventually, he learned to stop reaching for Dazai when he couldn't see it. Even then, sometimes Dazai would dodge the touch.
Chuuya still didn't really understand the why. He himself was rather tactile—he liked the way that his friends would grab his hand or rest on his lap casually. It was why he did the same to Dazai when they were younger, not that he would admit that under normal circumstances.
But occasionally, Chuuya had noticed that Dazai would reach out and stop himself, not quite touching. And he had tried to make it clear to Dazai that he didn't care if Dazai touched him casually, but the words never seemed to stick.
So, he took to giving confirmations when he thought Dazai might want them; like now. Letting Dazai know that he wouldn't mind it so that his partner wouldn't be afraid to reach out.
He wasn't sure if Dazai actually took any comfort from this himself or if he did it because he knew it would calm and reassure Chuuya, but he would take it either way.
They sat on the roof for what must have been an hour before Dazai shifted, Chuuya lifting his hand to allow his partner to move. He expected him to stand up and go inside, as was pretty common on nights like this, but instead he just laid down, resting his head on one of Chuuya's legs, still facing out towards the city. Reaching one hand behind him, he tugged on Chuuya's jacket sleeve until he raised his hand, and then Dazai was carefully maneuvering it into his hair.
Chuuya was shocked. He had known tonight had been bad, but this was entirely new behavior from his partner. Even when Dazai did accept the offer of touch, he rarely seemed to be seeking this kind of intimacy from it.
Still, Chuuya wouldn't deny it from him. Even if it hadn't been through words, Chuuya could tell that Dazai was asking for this right now, this quiet intimacy, this gentle comfort. So, he pulled the glove from his hand and gently, carefully, he ran his hand over Dazai's hair, just feeling it for now. It wasn't really soft, but that didn't surprise Chuuya. He had always been more interested in taking care of himself than Dazai was.
On his next pass, he tried to run his fingers through some of the hair, only to immediately be met with tangles. Despite his previous thoughts, it still startled a snort out of him. Dazai turned on his lap to look at him with a blank expression and Chuuya smiled softly down at him in return.
“Can I comb it?” he whispered, very aware of the fact that Dazai had asked him to be silent but also wanting to be able to actually provide Dazai this simple comfort. He waited in silence as Dazai seemed to consider the question before he nodded his head, turning back to the city once again.
Chuuya was very glad that he regularly kept a comb in his pocket, just a small one, to fix his hair if it needed it when he took his hat off. He pulled it out and started on the arduous process of untangling Dazai's unruly hair.
It was no small task. But he had the time and the patience. He was very conscious of how gentle he was being, but he didn't want to tug too much and damage Dazai's hair or pull on his scalp and cause him any pain. So it was slow moving, but eventually Chuuya had combed through all of the hair he could get to, finally able to run the comb all the way down without hitting any tangles.
He tapped Dazai's shoulder in silent request, and he expected Dazai to maybe move to the other side so he could continue gazing out, but instead Dazai just spun where he was, burying his face into Chuuya's stomach instead, wrapping his arms as best he could around Chuuya's back.
Once again surprised and trying to hide it, Chuuya immediately got back to work on untangling the rest of Dazai's hair now that he had access.
The process was just as slow, but he once again reached the point where he could run the comb through the hair without a problem. Finally, he set the comb down beside himself and ran his fingers through the full length of Dazai's hair unbothered. The arms around him tighten just a little bit, and he feels Dazai nuzzle in closer to his stomach, and he keeps running his fingers through dark brown hair.
He tries to keep his eyes on the city streets below him, but he keeps finding his eyes drawn back to watching his partner. They way his body has curled up, his steady inhales that are too even to be anything but controlled, the way his hair looks sliding between Chuuya's fingers, his gloves set off to the side.
He felt more than heard Dazai mutter something into his stomach, and he tapped Dazai's ear to let him know that he couldn't hear him. Dazai unburied his face for long enough to whisper, “Music?” before hiding away once again.
Chuuya left his one hand resting on Dazai's head as he moved the other to grab his phone and pull up a playlist. He chose the one he had made for nights like this (not that he would ever admit it)—violin covers of that shitty pop music that Dazai loved. He could probably just play the original songs but considering that Dazai had asked him not to talk, he chose this instead.
He took the quiet hums that Dazai occasionally let out, following the tunes of the songs, as a success.
It was late now, well past midnight, but Chuuya fought to stay awake. Aside from how stupid it would be to fall asleep on the edge of a roof, the more important issue was that if he fell asleep and Dazai rolled over...
Well, Dazai had only said “probably not” and that wasn't “no”.
Keeping his attention on the motions of his hand and the music from his phone's tiny speakers kept him awake, even if he wasn't fully aware. He blinked his eyes open every few seconds and looked back down to Dazai to see how he was doing.
He had yet to move from his position clung around Chuuya's middle. Which was fine.
Eventually, though, the sky was beginning to lighten around the edges of the sky over the bay when Chuuya turned to look and he let out a sigh.
With a gentle tap, he waited until Dazai shifted enough to blink blearily up at him before he spoke. “The sun is coming up, shithead,” he said with a tone that came out much too affectionate for him. “We have to go inside at some point.”
The exaggerated pout that Dazai gave him shouldn't have warmed his heart. But it was evidence that despite his own bone-deep exhaustion at having stayed awake all night, Dazai must have been feeling better now. ”But I don't want to go inside,“ his partner whined, dropping his head back on Chuuya's lap and glaring up at him. ”If we go inside then we have to work.“
”Sucks,“ Chuuya huffed with a shrug. ”You're the one who worked his ass off just so you could become an executive before me.“
”I couldn't let my dog be ranked above me!“
Chuuya shoved at his shoulder, careful not to use too much force and send him tumbling over the edge. ”Asshole. At least face the consequences.“
Dazai heaved a heavy sigh, but he sat up, taking all of his warmth with him. Chuuya tried not to think about how empty his lap felt now, without his partner's head there.
”Fine,“ Dazai huffed. “But I doubt any work is getting done today with those bags under your eyes.”
“Well I'm not an executive,” Chuuya said. This was the only time he could be smug about not having the job he was after yet. “And therefore I don't have a meeting this morning. I'm going to take a nap until I actually need to wake up.”
“You're bullying me!” Dazai shouted, standing up and kicking Chuuya in the leg until he stood too.
They bickered the whole way back inside. It was far from the aggression of their normal arguments, softened by a long night and the softness of their interactions before, but once Chuuya slept some and Dazai hardened himself in order to face Mori, their usual fire would return.
Chuuya bumped his shoulder into Dazai's before turning to his room, pausing long enough to watch his partner's back turn the corner before letting himself in for some much-needed rest.