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Wrong. Honami feels wrong. Her body feels wrong, she hates it.
Flashbacks are one of the worst thing she ever experienced and yet she can do nothing to stop them. It feels terrible, she's completely helpless, just how she felt back then...
The girl shakes her head, holding back tears. She doesn't want to remember. She doesn't want to, yet her body does. She can almost feel the touch of the man who haunts her in her dreams again, she remembers his hand grabbing her chest... Honami feels sick. She wants to throw up, it's disgusting.
The girl feels her heart beating faster, her breathing speeds up. She needs to calm down, but how?
She hates her body, she hates her chest. It's too big, too visible, probably attracts too much attention too. Honami covers herself with her hands, it doesn't help. It's her body, she can't hide it from herself, she knows it, but... Why does her own body feel so wrong? If that's who she is, then why is she so disgusted by it? She hates it, she hates it so much.
Honami hates herself for letting this happen to her. She hates herself for her weird, terrible trauma responses. She hates the fact she's so broken she's not even sure she can be helped anymore.
The girl wants to express her hatred towards her body. She wants to punish herself. She realises it's wrong, she shouldn't harm herself, so she tries to resist this feeling, but...
She really needs to calm down.
Most of the grounding techniques she heard of didn't work for her, though, so she usually had no other option than to just wait until she feels better. That said, that was until she moved in with her girlfriend.
Kanade heard about her trauma, but before they moved together she never saw her having a flashback. After that, Honami knew that she'll see it one day, it was a question of when, not if. The thought about it was a little bit scary. She trusted her girlfriend, but still was a bit hesitant to show her this vulnerable side of her.
Despite that, turned out that Yoisaki is really good at comforting. She helped so much better than the grounding techniques did, and the girl couldn't be more grateful.
Today Kanade is home too. Honami could probably go to her, she knows the girl would cuddle and comfort her, tell her it's alright... She really needs that, but she's afraid. Afraid to ask for help, because she already talks about her trauma too much. She should just get over it, it's been years since this happened, yet she continues to bother everyone with her stupid problems.
She probably should've been quieter, though, because Yoisaki hears her sobs and decides to check on her girlfriend herself. She knocks on her door.
‘Honami, are you alright? Can I come in?’
The girl stays quiet, she can't bring herself to answer. Kanade knocks again, no reply. She's starting to get worried.
‘Darling, I'm coming in,’ she says before she opens the door and finds Honami sitting on the bed, wiping away her tears. She obviously has been crying for a while, the girl can tell by how red her face is. ‘
Don't look at me...’ Honami manages to let out. ‘I... My body... It's disgusting.’ She tries to hide herself from her girlfriend, cover her body with hands again. Especially her chest, this part feels wrong the most, she can't let anyone see it. Even layers of clothes she's wearing can't hide how wrong and disgusting her body is.
Kanade comes closer and sits on the edge of the bed. ‘You're not disgusting, neither is your body...’ She starts. ‘Why do you think so?’
‘I don't know, I just feel that way after... you know...’ Mochizuki tries to explain, but the words are just getting stuck in her throat.
Kanade knows. She wraps her arm around the girl and strokes her back in attempt to comfort her. ‘So that's the reason... It's not your fault, Honami. It's not your fault and it doesn't affect what kind of person you are right now in the slightest.’ Her voice is so gentle, just like the girl herself, Honami doesn't deserve a girlfriend like her.
‘Let's try to calm down, love, okay?’ Yoisaki asks. Honami looks up and nods slightly. ‘Okay, good girl, let's try to focus on breathing, alright? Take a deep breath...’
Kanade puts her hand on her chest and breathes in. Mochizuki tries to repeat after her. ’Good, now breathe out... You're safe now, it's all in the past. I'm here, I love you, it's going to be okay... You've been so strong, my dear, but that doesn't mean you have to deal with all this alone,’ she reassures her as the girl keeps trying to steady her breathing. Soon she starts to calm down.
‘What triggered your flashback? Did something happen?’ her girlfriend asks, now that Honami has calmed down a little. ‘You don't have to tell me if you don't want to, I understand that it's hard for you’
‘I want to, it's just that... the way I touched myself reminded me of the way he touched me...’ she murmurs back. ‘This is embarrassing.’
The only one who finds it embarrassing is her, though. For some reason, no matter what caused her flashback, Kanade always comforts her, tells her it's not her fault. She really tries her best to believe it.
‘Is it okay if I hug you?’
Her girlfriend's words take her by surprise. She is a bit hesitant to agree. In the end, she still doesn't want anyone to see or touch her body, she can't even bring herself to do it.
Kanade notices that the girl is unsure and decides not to pressure her. She understands that Honami needs to feel some sort of safety, and making her take her hands off her body which she tries to cover would make her feel vulnerable.
‘It's okay, you don't have to agree. Would it be okay if I just stroked your back then?’ She asks, to which she receives a nod. Although the girl never refused, Kanade still asks every time. She wants to make her girlfriend understand that she has full control over her own body, so consent is very important, even with small things like this one.
‘This is not embarrassing, you are not embarrassing or dirty. You went through something absolutely terrible, what you're experiencing right now is a valid reaction. It's okay, love.’ She says, gently stroking Honami's back.
The girl feels so bad for making Kanade worry about her. She must be tired of this already, she must be mad at her for not being able to get over her trauma.
‘I'm sorry...’ are the only words Mochizuki manages to let out. She still feels a lump in her throat and it's hard for her to speak. Kanade understands it, though, and doesn't push her further.
‘No, don't apologise. Listen, it's not your fault and you have nothing to be sorry for. You didn't deserve what happened to you.’ Her face is gentle, no matter how hard the other girl tries she just can't find even a hint of disappointment on her face. Maybe she isn't mad after all?
Suddenly Honami hugs her. Kanade smiles, wrapping her other arm around her and gently patting her back. To Mochizuki her girlfriend's embrace is so warm and calming, it feels like home, she feels protected in her arms. The other girl tries her best to give her that feeling of safety.
‘Are you feeling any better?’ She asks, to which she receives a nod. ‘That's good.’
Sometimes it takes a really long time for Honami to calm down, sometimes she needs no more than an hour. Yoisaki is glad that this time she started calming down rather quickly. Not that she would mind staying and comforting her girlfriend for longer, but she doesn't even want to imagine how much harder it would be for the girl.
Kanade gently kisses her forehead and strokes her hair, untying Honami's ponytail and letting her hair fall on her shoulders. ‘It must be so hard for you to live with this trauma... My poor girl. You're so strong, darling, so brave, I'm really proud of you.’
The other girl really appreciates her words. She's glad someone understands her and feels bad for her. ‘Thank you.’ She says when can finally speak freely. ‘I really needed to hear this.’
Some time passes and Honami starts to feel tired. Kanade's embrace is just so warm and comforting, she could literally just fall asleep. That makes sense considering the amount of times they cuddled eachother to sleep, though, she's just used to drifting off in her arms.
She feels so much love and gratitude to her girlfriend she cannot express it enough. It feels so nice to have a person who genuinely cares about you.
Yoisaki continues to hold her, silently rocking her back and forth. She doesn't know what to say anymore, but both of them are okay with that. Words aren't necessarily between them and Honami is too tired anyway.
As Mochizuki drifts off, she thinks about her girlfriend and the time she spent with her, remembering everything, from their everyday life to some of the most special moments in her life.
‘I love you, honey, I'm so grateful for everything you did for me,’ she says before she can fall asleep, her voice barely above a whisper.
‘I love you too, darling,’ Kanade replies softly.