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Christmas was a weird time of the year for Mafuyu. While it gave her the occasion to grow closer to her parents, within her dwelled a sense of unfamiliarity with it – as if they weren’t celebrating it the right way, the lights felt duller, as if they were dimming an unspoken shadow lingering somewhere deep in her. Whenever she passed by families on the street buying gifts for their children, everything else became a blur; “I wonder if we ever looked that way to others too,” she started wondering more often than not. Snow was caressing her cheeks — it would be expected of it to feel cold, but it brought her a warmer feeling she couldn't speak the name of. Although she needn’t to worry about that for now, about the lights, that unknown familiarity, as she hadn’t been in that house for a while.
Mafuyu and Kanade — to no one’s surprise — were hitting it off exceptionally well, working on their songs became also easier, exchanging ideas and thoughts turned into a daily occurence, one that neither of them disliked — natural, such an odd feeling that was.
“Kanade, did you eat today?” Mafuyu was scribbling some words in her notebook, collecting her thoughts. She was sitting on the ground, near Kanade’s bed; her gaze would sometimes shift to Kanade’s workstation.
“I.. am not sure,” there was hesitation in Kanade’s voice, “I woke up pretty late… I don’t think I’ve had any breakfast.”
“I see.” A nod. Her eyes fixated somewhere yet nowhere at the same time.
The room was silent again. You could only hear Mafuyu’s scribbling and a distinct sound coming from Kanade’s headphones. A comforting silence. Mafuyu didn’t mind; compared to her house quietness, which felt cold and unwelcoming, Kanade’s silence was… genuine, earnest — something she had no need to fear, although she didn’t know the reason for it, nor she struggled to.
Kanade, however, was in pain — albeit an emotional one — and wasn’t sure on how to express it; thing is: she bought something, which might’ve been wrapped clumsily right beside her feet, it didn’t seem like Mafuyu even noticed the presence of either the gift or Kanade's uneasiness, but running down her cheeks was sweat,
caused from both embarrassment and… expectations. It was her first time, after all.
Christmas was slowly coming to a close. The snow quietly hit the window, the lights slowly disappearing from its sight — only the moon seemed to kiss light in the shadow. It was 11 p.m, the clock kept ticking, reminding Kanade she had no more time to push back her gift.
“So—” she stood up from her chair, back still turned, her stomach begging her to let go of that weight – but the room felt so small and so did she.
Mafuyu tilted her head, puzzled. “Yes, Kanade?” Tender, the way she called her name, an unspoken kind of warmth dissipated from each syllable, one that Kanade Yoisaki could not bear — why that was, she refused to acknowledge, it would break her to bits knowing, after all.
“I…” Kanade's eyes were fixated on the floor, her fingers finding support in each other, clasping together.
“You’ve been fidgeting all day, is something wrong?” Mafuyu stood up, getting closer to her — gently placing her hand on the white-haired girl's shoulder, grip non-existent, almost as if she could fade away at any moment.
“If there’s something bothering you, you can tell me.” her tone was firm, albeit tinted of gray curiosity.
“I—I know, it’s not that…” Kanade kept looking down, unable to face Mafuyu just yet. “There’s nothing bothering me, what I feel is… different.”
“Then, what is it?”
Mafuyu crept in close, her head tilted to the side, searching for Kanade's gaze, which — admittedly — shifted from her to anywhere else, but that proximity forced her to drown into her purple eyes.
She started prying more often when she didn’t understand something, which Kanade didn’t mind usually, it was just… bad timing, that was all.
As she drew closer, Mafuyu's foot hit something, nothing she got hurt for — but she hit something nonetheless. She kneeled down and took — oh no. Her gift was right in her hands.
It wasn’t big, the wrapping barely covered anything — it was oddly thin, one could say there was nothing at all.
“Kanade? What is this?” Flushed, she did not reply.
Unlike their usual silence… Mafuyu didn’t like this one, not one bit.
“Kanade?” She kept repeating herself.
Kanade, on the other hand, felt her cheeks burning — she thanked the darkness of her own room, probably rendering Mafuyu unaware of what was happening within her, her ears were twitching — her hands slowly moved forward, as if she was trying to take back more than the embarrassment. She was supposed to give Mafuyu’s gift herself and instead… they got into this awkward situation she didn’t know how to get out of — this wasn’t how she planned this, at all.
“..r you…” barely a whisper escaped Kanade's lips.
“...Kanade?”
“It’s for you.”
Mafuyu looked at the wrapped gift as if it was the most precious thing she could ever hold, an unusual spark brimmed in her often empty eyes — now brighter than the moon outside.
“...I see.”
“It was supposed to be better than this but… at least I’m glad you actually got it before Christmas ended, I wanted to hand it to you but—”
And that was when she knew—when she wanted to feel it for herself. Her hand moved mechanically, pressing Kanade's gift on her chest, giving it back to her; that chance — she would not let her lose it, not when Mafuyu herself wanted to know how it felt like. Will her gift... feel anything different from what she ever got?
“Take it.”
“W-What?”
Kanade couldn’t make out what expression Mafuyu was making. Was she…
“Take it and then give it to me.”
… relieved?
“What do you mean?”
“You wanted to give it to me yourself, right? We can still do this. It’s still Christmas. There’s still time.”
11:56 p.m.
Right.
There would’ve always been time for them.
“O-Okay, that makes sense.” Kanade took the gift from Mafuyu’s hand.
She took a deep breath and closed her eyes, to finally open them up seconds later.
“Mafuyu.” A whisper.
“Yes, Kanade?” An unseen smile.
“Merry Christmas… I got something for you, it’s not much, but I poured my soul into it.” She managed it. Her feelings — would they get across? Was anything oozing from those gawky yet loving fingers? Those very fingertips that gently brushed hers?
“Thank you, Kanade. I think… I think I’m happy.” Finally, Mafuyu started unwrapping her gift very carefully — it felt very light, so she was scared to tear it apart and ruin it.
Kanade was looking at her, fidgeting. “Wait, is this—”
Paper sheets.
“...lyrics?”
Kanade nodded, her irises moved frantically.
“You wrote them?” A dumb question, she later realized — of course she did. It was her gift after all. But, to Mafuyu’s surprise, she nodded again.
“...can I read them right now?”
“Sure…”
Mafuyu sat down on Kanade’s bed and started reading, her gaze focused on each and every word.
Kanade, on the other hand, felt like an anvil was hanging up her head — God, how could this feel so exhausting... she wondered. Her room looked like the most interesting thing in the world right now, she began analyzing every corner of it, noticing specks of dust that weren't even there, her bed unmade, Mafuyu’s shirt and socks were tidily put on it — she then remembered, “oh, right,” she just got back from doing laundry, it smelled like lavender, a scent she was growing accustomed to.
Her closet had never been so put in place, Mafuyu arranged everything herself, so neatly and yet so—unfamiliar. Still, it became easier for Kanade to find her stuff. Squinting her eyes, she did notice Mafuyu’s jacket between her jerseys, it stood out, became part of that normalcy she could hardly call her own.
Nevertheless, a realization bestowed her.
This room wasn’t hers alone anymore.
…she chose best to stop focusing on it.
Mafuyu finished reading a long time ago — way before Christmas ended — yet she couldn’t take her eyes off the lyrics. Kanade wasn’t usually writing songs for Nightcord… let alone a song for someone.
I want to go where you heart is
Even if it means losing myself
I will always be able to find you
So let me find myself through you
“...where my heart is…” she started muttering to herself, the room felt cold again, the tip of her fingertips trembled slightly.
“Kanade…”
Kanade got put back on earth abruptly, she was pretty out of it.
“Y-Yes?”
“If…” Mafuyu couldn’t find the words, her head was foggy, her mind drifted somewhere — it was far away. A place... where Kanade couldn't reach.
“If I’m cold to the touch… but warm inside my heart… Where would that put you closer to?”
Kanade’s mind went completely blank. Her eyes widened, she couldn’t come up with an answer.
“...it’s fine if you don’t know. I… don’t think I could accept the answer, right now,” A wry laugh. It sounded bitter. Hollow.
“I…” Kanade was unsure on what to tell her. Would her words break her or save her? She found her answer a long time ago — but she let go of it. After — it wasn't her answer that mattered, at all.
“I can’t answer that for you, Mafuyu. It’s not for me to decide.”
Mafuyu strengthened her grip. She felt her own nails digging into her skin.
“But… I can help make your hands warmer… I can at least do that for you.”
“...I see.”
It’s not the answer she expected nor wanted.
But maybe, it was the one she needed.
Kanade sat beside Mafuyu — she finally let go of those lyrics and placed them on her lap.
“Can you… stay with me tonight?” Mafuyu mustered the courage to ask, her gaze softened, eyebrows lowered — a weird kind of smile, crooked, it felt.
“Of course. As long as you wish me to.” She grasped Mafuyu’s hand, their fingers interlocked.
Mafuyu leaned her head on Kanade’s shoulder.
“Kanade?”
“Yes?”
“Merry Christmas.”
“Merry Christmas… Mafuyu.”
The room was dark, so neither of them could have known.
But in that very room, once alone and now shared,
someone was bitterly crying and someone else sought solace in those tears.
And if I were to feel left alone
I think that would be fine
My sins are mine to bear
And your purity is ours to protect