Chapter Text
When Celena got home, Allen read her lots of stories. This was good because she had to stay in bed until Allen’s friend Miss Millerna said she was well enough to go outside. Even though her room had turned smaller, Celena didn’t mind staying inside. It still had all her favorite things in it, including Allen, and now Miss Millerna, who was a much better doctor than the man who’d given her yucky syrups back when her nose was small and stuffy. Miss Millerna had pretty yellow hair and knew how to give the best sort of hug, and Celena couldn’t think of any other doctor who would want to play dolls with her, even though her dolls’ arms or heads or both fell off sometimes, and one time Miss Hannah the doll fell off into lots and lots of pieces. Another one time, her fairy storybook had dropped all its pages on the floor, and Celena had watched in awe as Miss Millerna used a needle and thread to sew the pieces all back together, until the needle had turned bright and sharp and the laughing boy had gotten too loud for her eyes to work.
Celena knew who the boy was—he was an imaginary friend. The name didn’t make a whole lot of sense, because he wasn’t friendly, but because Allen and Miss Millerna didn’t hear him, that must be what he was. Celena didn’t talk about him, because Mama had already told her she was too big for imaginary friends, and that was when she was small, so she was surely too too big for imaginary friends now. She had to be on her best behavior for Allen and Miss Millerna so that she could go outside and be a grown up and stay awake to hear funny stories all the way to the end.
Celena felt Allen squeeze her hand. “Celena?” he asked. His voice sounded like his hand, pulling her the way he wanted her to walk. He pulled her attention from the mouse in the garden grass—from thoughts of it in her hand, between her teeth beneath her foot—and she let her eyes drift into her brother’s, so that they could carry her away like a canal to the sea. “What are you thinking about?” he asked.
“The sea,” she said.
“We haven’t visited the seaside in a long time, have we?”
“I made a castle.”
“I remember!” Allen’s smile got big. “You stacked the rocks so high that I named you princess of the seaside.”
“And I kicked it down.”
Allen stopped walking, and made Celena stop with him. His smile was smaller. “You didn’t kick it down,” he said. “I tried to add a tower for me to live in the castle with you, and it made the whole thing tip over. We had to leave before we could fix it. I’m still sorry.” Allen brushed her hair from her forehead, just like Mama did. Mama touched her forehead when she cried and held her and said, Shh. Shh. Shh. “Celena,” Allen said, almost making it sound like shh, “what’s wrong?”
“Mama and Papa,” she said. She kept her throat held tight so that the laughing boy couldn’t come out of it by mistake. “I miss them. I miss them—“ She didn’t want to be a baby anymore, she wanted to be grown up like Allen and Miss Millerna, but she felt the wailing rising inside her lungs and knew she wouldn’t be able to stop it.
Without Miss Millerna there to help her lie down so that she could be safe, Allen wrapped his arms around her and hugged tight. Allen wasn’t a doctor or a princess, but he could stop her body from turning into a tree. She focused on the feel of her brother’s arms around her until her muscles softened, and she let herself drift again, warm against him.
“They’d be so happy—so proud,” Allen’s voice got stretched, like it was trying to reach from one end of the sky to the other. “To see what a lovely young woman you’ve become.” Celena wriggled in his arms—he was holding her too tight now. “I’ll remind you for them, as many times as it takes.”
She swallowed, trying to get her throat into a more comfortable position. “The seaside. When can we go?”
“I’ll speak with Miss Millerna.”
“My legs hurt,” Celena said.
“Walking is good for you,” Miss Millerna said, holding her hand. “You… Your body is going through a lot of changes. So it’s good to keep it moving and stretching!” She put her knees up high as they walked like she was a soldier marching along the road. Celena laughed and did it too, and marched so well her big shoe flew into the air and Allen had to go fetch it. Once they’d put it back on, she kicked it again and laughed like the laughing boy as Allen went to bring it back for her.
“My arms hurt,” Celena said.
“Well, let’s get your arms moving too, so you’ll be well enough to go to the beach!” Miss Millerna said, and started to swing her arm back and forth. The swing wasn’t as big as Mama’s arm, which could take Celena all the way around the world, from the mountains to the sea.
“Do you know how to swim, Miss Millerna?”
Miss Millerna’s smile made her even more beautiful. “I do! My sister and I had lessons in the summer, when the weather was warm. I wanted to swim the very fastest!”
“Like when you ride your horses?”
Miss Millerna laughed. “Yes, exactly! When you’re underwater, swimming fast, it’s almost like flying. Just like when you’re on the back of a horse.”
“Horses, rushing waters—what haven’t you tamed?” Allen asked beside them.
“I’m sure I could think of something,” Miss Millerna said, like she had already thought of something but wasn’t going to say what it was. “Anyway, compared to some of the horses I’ve broken, a bit of swimming hardly compares.”
“I’d think they’d learn to start shaking in their horseshoes when you step in the stable.”
Celena was still trying to work out what Millerna had said. “Broken?” she asked.
Miss Millerna put a hand over her mouth like she’d said a bad word. “Oh! Oh, I don’t mean broken like a toy. I mean, sometimes, horses… Well, they don’t get along with their riders. And I… well, help them…”
“She breaks the chain that’s wrapped around their heart,” Allen said.
“Yes!” Miss Millerna said. “Yes, that’s it exactly.” She turned to Celena. “I break what’s holding them back from being my friend. And I’m pretty good at it.” Then she winked, right at Celena. Celena smiled, then frowned, then smiled again. Her face was falling off her face, like a loose stocking slipping down again and again, and the laughing boy kept laughing.
“Can I swim?” Celena asked, and Miss Millerna looked at Allen.
“No,” Allen said. “But Millerna and I will keep you safe at the beach. And maybe if you’re good, she can teach you to swim.”
Celena beamed. “Really?”
“It won’t be easy,” Miss Millerna said. “It will take a lot of practice.”
“I can do it,” Celena said. “I’m already getting so good at everything.”
Allen petted her head. “You are. We’re so proud of how far you’ve come.”
“You’ve been doing wonderfully,” Miss Millerna said.
Celena leaned into Allen’s touch.
The day they went to the beach, they traveled in a carriage so that Celena could look out the window and listen to Allen and Miss Millerna talk about princess work. Being a princess was hard, and busy, and Miss Millerna was saying she wouldn’t be able to stay with them as much anymore.
Celena didn’t want Miss Millerna to go, but she understood that being a princess was an important job, but she didn’t want Miss Millerna to go.
“Isn’t it a beautiful day?” Miss Millerna asked her, after Allen and Miss Millerna got quiet.
“No,” Celena said. “My body hurts.”
Celena looked at the ceiling. She’d fallen down again—in the carriage this time! And every time she fell down, Allen and Miss Millerna would look scared and worried and Celena knew she’d never be treated like a grown up. Her lips got all twisted as she held back tears—grown ups didn’t cry unless it was really, really important. But, how was she supposed to tell what was important? Luckily, before her face could get wet, Allen and Millerna were both helping her back up to her seat.
“There we go,” Miss Millerna said. “Are you feeling okay?”
Celena nodded, mumbling, “mmnm.”
“We’re almost there.” Allen helped put one of her sandals back on her foot. She was too big for her favorite dresses, but too small for all her new shoes, and she was starting to think she’d never be the right size for anything.
“What do you want to do first?” Miss Millerna asked. “Splash in the water?”
“Build a rock castle!” Celena declared. She put her hand out. “This high!”
“Ooo,” Miss Millerna clapped her hands together. “That sounds like fun!”
The water was silver and the rocks were white and black. Allen and Miss Millerna helped her from the carriage. The rocks were smooth and slippery and hard to walk on in her shoes, but she stepped very carefully, like she thought a proper princess would. It was even harder to do because she had to keep looking at Miss Millerna to make sure she was looking, and sometimes she was looking at Allen or the silver instead of Celena. They walked down to the water where it was running over the rocks, and Miss Millerna took off her shirt and skirt and went into the water in her swimming clothes.
“I want to go into the water,” Celena said, even though the sound of the waves put the laughing boy in a room down the hall. He didn't like to be far away.
Allen and Miss Millerna talked to each other with their eyes, and then Allen said, “All right. We can go in up to your knees.”
Celena’s loose shirt and pants and sandals were okay to get wet, but Allen had to take off his jacket and shoes and socks. When he was done, he held both her hands and guided her into the water, and she wondered if the laughing boy would swim away, wondered if he could swim. The waves were cold and pushy and it made her legs hurt less. Then Miss Millerna splashed Allen, and Celena let go of Allen and splashed Miss Millerna, and she started laughing, but she couldn’t hear the laughing boy well enough to tell if it was him laughing too.
“We should build our castle,” Allen said, taking Celena’s hands again to tug her back to shore.
They sat in the shallow water and started to stack rocks for their castle. As she picked her stones and placed her stones, Celena’s clothes stuck to her like they were trying to keep her skin in her skin, and the laughing boy stretched under her, not laughing anymore.
“Is he going to be okay?” Celena asked.
“Who do you mean?” Allen asked back, even though it didn’t sound like a question.
A little crab was crawling out of the water, and Celena watched it move until it got close enough.
She grabbed it by the shell, watching its claws snap and snap at nothing and nothing, and Allen took it from her and tossed it into the sea, but she was already leaving.
Celena’s body hurt, and the castle fell down.
Celena’s body hurt, and she fell down.
Celena’s body hurt, and she opened her eyes in Miss Mallerna’s lap. The laughing boy was crying, and so was she. “The boy in my head. Are you going to take him out?”
“No,” Allen said, stroking her cheek. “No, I don’t think we are.”
“Is he going to be okay?”
“I don’t know.”
“He’s my friend,” Celena said, because he wasn’t actually imaginary, and even though he wasn’t friendly, she wasn’t sure what else she was supposed to call him.
Allen put his hands all around her hands. His mouth was smiling but his eyes were crying. “That’s good. He needs a friend.” Miss Millerna put her hand on all their hands, squeezing tight. “Someday, I hope I can be his friend too.”