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Maito Gai survived the war.
He wasn’t all in one piece but it was better than what he had expected. All that matters was he was alive and so were his precious students. Precious students, still very much on the cusp of their youths. A teacher’s work was never done.
“We live in different times,” he began once he had gathered his students to speak to. “More peaceful times, therefore things are a bit more lax.”
His students exchanged curious looks.
“Soon, I am sure, you all will be wanting to dip your toes into more adult relationships now that you can afford to do so.”
Lee stayed curious while Neji and Tenten looked a bit wary.
“Gai-sensei-”
Gai held up his hand, interrupting whatever Tenten was going to say. “Let me finish.”
The kunoichi sighed but held her tongue.
“I was given this advice back in the day,” he said. “I will pass it along to you.”
“Yes?” Lee quietly asked.
Gai nodded. “To know true carnal pleasure you must have relations with the lights off and only doing the missionary position. That is truly the only way to feel connection and true intimacy.”
His students looked horrified.
After a moment Lee spoke up with a slight wheeze. “That is- please- forgive me, sensei but that is totally untrue!”
Gai blinked. “Beg pardon?”
“I have had many moments of intimacy,” Lee said. “We had tried many ways and they were all pleasurable!”
“Lee!”
“We really didn’t need to know that…”
Gai stared at his student before letting out a bellow of laughter. “Good one, Lee.”
“Excuse me?” Lee frowned.
“The joke you made, it was amusing.”
Lee just looked hurt.
“Anyway, after you’re both done you must get out of bed immediately, then use the bathroom to urinate and wash yourselves.” He gave them all a serious look. “This is very important to ward off the sex mites: you must make your bed.”
“Sex mites?!” Neji exclaimed.
“Gai-sensei, no offense but uh we’re good,” Tenten said with a high voice. “ Really. ”
“Well, now you’re good because I just shared my very important advice.”
Neji pinched the bridge of his nose. “Sure. Fine.”
Lee crossed his arms. “How do you expect to see your partner in the dark?” not at all asking what the hell sex mites were.
His teammates groaned while Gai shook his head.
“Oh, Lee, it’s not about that. ” He reached for a bandaged hand to pat. “It’s all very matter of fact and when it’s over it’s rewarding and that’s all that matters.”
“I like seeing the expression on my partner’s face,” Lee countered. “Knowing I brought them pleasure gives me pleasure.”
Tenten held her hands up. “I’m done! Bye! I got shit to do!”
Neji just silently followed.
Lee however wasn’t done. “You should try having the lights on, Gai-sensei.”
“I wouldn’t dream of it! No, no…in the dark and just missionary is the only way to go!” He continued to insist.
Lee took his hand back. “Then we will just agree to disagree.”
Gai sighed. “Truly? You’ll forsake me after everything I’ve taught you?”
“I like what I like and being in the dark does not sound like something I like.” He put his hands on his hips. “In fact, I like many positions! Like holding them down against a wall! That is a good one.”
Gai grew pale. “That sounds dangerous!”
“Only if you make it that way…”
“I can’t believe how wreckless and wrong you are with something so precious and magical!”
Lee frowned. “I think I am done talking about this.”
“Fine.”
“Fine!”
The two went their separate ways.
Lee recounted the strange encounter with Shikamaru, who just looked bewildered. “Uh…why did he even say any of that?”
Lee shrugged. “I do not know.”
“You know…we could test the theory.”
Lee raised a brow.
Shikamaru smiled crookedly. “Wanna fuck in the dark, missionary?”
Lee couldn’t help but laugh out loud. “Fine, let us sate your curiosity.”
Somehow at the attempt of sexual bliss, Rock Lee had injured himself in bed. In the dark, he had missed. He missed and fell off the bed. It was embarrassing and awful.
He wanted to die being sent to the hospital.
“I guess we learned something,” Shikamaru muttered, sitting by his side.
“Yeah?”
“Gai-sensei was not only wrong but very wrong.”
Lee sighed.
Why did such a hard lesson have to be learned, he wondered.