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It's been 3 days since Chuuya left for his secret mission that Mori had sent him on. Dazai doesn't normally get sad when Chuuya has to go on missions without him but this time was different and he couldn't figure out why. Sure he had left Chuuya all of those years ago because of what Mori had done to Oda and he did have a fear of something like that happening to Chuuya as well but he knew Chuuya was to valuable to kill off like Oda. Dazai just sat in the corner staring at nothing remembering the day Oda died like it was yesterday. He still couldn't believe it sometimes. He couldn't believe that he was waking up in a world without Oda and some days couldn't even bring himself to leave his bed. Dazai sighed Oda leaving his mind as he thought about how much he wanted Chuuya here with him. There were only 2 people in the entire world he trusted with his life and only one of them was still alive. It hadn't really been that long since Dazai and Chuuya had reconnected since he left but it hurt more than ever when he had to leave Chuuya because he was scared that each time would be the last. Dazai would never admit it to Chuuya even though he's sure that he knows but he really appreciates him and never wants to loose him. Dazai feels the tears start to flood his eyes as he tried to blink them away but fails. He just sits there silently sobbing to himself for almost an hour. Dazai truly felt like shit and it had been so long since he had changed his bandages that they weren't even on his arms anymore just hanging limply exposing all of his scars and recent cuts. He sighed as he decided to get up and make his way to the bathroom.
He hadn't showered since Chuuya left or even bothered to show up for work at the agency let alone text them that he is alive. Since he had to change his bandages anyways he figured what would be the harm in adding a few new cuts to his already disgusting body. It's not like anyone would notice and especially not Chuuya since he was going to be gone a while anyways. Dazai smiled as he grabbed the box of razor blades he keeps hidden in the cabinet pulling one out and slowly bringing it up to his arm before sliding it across fast and hard. He could feel like smile start to grow wider as he made more and more before he couldn't even find the room in between his scars and recent cuts. He knew he was disgusting for doing this but how else was he supposed to pay for everything he has done. He knew that it was his fault that Oda and his orphans had to die. If he had never made himself apart of his life Oda could still be alive right now taking care of his orphans. He also knew that he hurt everyone who got close to him. When he left Chuuya all those years ago it hurt him but he knew how much it must have hurt Chuuya. He didn't even give him an explanation or anything not even a goodbye. He will never be able to make that up to him so instead he will just punish himself after all he wasn't even human to begin with.
He didn't deserve how kind Chuuya was to him even after leaving him. Oda didn't deserve to die and for his Orphans to die as well. He truly was just a problem for everyone. All he really wants is to die the only thing that really makes him a human. The fact that he can die. Dazai sighs as he takes off his pants and undoes the bandages on his thighs. With the blade he made cut after cut tears flowing down his eyes and blood pouring out of his arms and thighs. He really was a mess and just disgusting. There was no reason for someone like him to even keep existing. Dazai sat down on the bathroom floor letting himself bleed everywhere before deciding to take a shower since he already had his bandages off. Once he got into the shower he felt the stinging of his cuts once the water his them. He winced letting himself feel the pain he deserved to feel. Dazai slowly brought his hand up to the water temperature before making it scalding hot. He just stood there as his skin began to turn red. It burned so bad but he didn't care after all he put others through so much pain he needed to atone for it. Dazai finally turned the water temperature back to cold before quickly washing his hair and body and getting out.
He hated putting on his bandages. When Chuuya was there it was a little easier even though he didn't really like him seeing his bare skin without the bandages. On the other hand all of those years without Chuuya and just being alone made him learn how to put them on all by himself. Dazai honestly wondered if he should even bother with the bandages since it was just him but honestly he couldn't even bear looking at his body so he just decided to put them on. Once Dazai left the bathroom he got some clean boxers and put them on along with some sweatpants and one of Chuuya's hoodies. The smell put him at ease as he made his way to their bed.Dazai had no idea what time it currently was since he had long ago shut off his phone and closed the blinds to where no light could come in at all so he just laid there hoping for some sleep but it never quite worked like that. His sleep schedule wasn't all that great to begin with but lately he hasn't really been able to sleep more than 2 hours without waking up or having a nightmare. He was honestly exhausted and wanted nothing more than to just fall asleep and never wake up again.
Dazai wasn't sure how long he laid there for before he finally felt sleep taking over him. It didn't last very long before Dazai shot up in bed breathing heavily. Tears already starting to poor down his face as he just sobbed into his knees closing in on himself. He often had dreams about the day Oda died but this time it was just to much to handle. It felt so real like he could feel Oda slowly loosing body heat and his warm blood on his hands. Dazai hated every single moment and he hated that he couldn't do anything to save Oda. Dazai just laid back down pulling the covers and bunching them on his side as he clung to them while he cried. Dazai's head shot up when he heard the front door open followed by the sound of keys and shoes being kicked off. He held his breath scared of who could be coming for him at this moment when Chuuya stepped into the room. He immediately noticed something was wrong with Dazai as he quickly made his way over to the bed. "What's wrong Dazai" Chuuya asks already pulling Dazai into a hug.
He doesn't say anything as he grabs onto him and starts to sob uncontrollably. Chuuya tightens his grip on him making sure he knows that he is there for him. Both of them stay like that for a while before Dazai's tears start to slow down a good amount. "What happened" Chuuya asked him concerned. "I just missed you, everything got bad again, my nightmares are just getting to real, and It's just to overwhelming" Dazai admits voice cracking at the end as he starts to cry more. "Hey it's ok I'm here now. I'm sorry I had to go but you know bosses orders. I did the mission as fast as I could so I could be back here for you. I have also been trying to get ahold of you but your calls go straight to voicemail and you don't answer your texts." Chuuya tells Dazai trying to make him feel better. "I turned off my phone all of the texts from the agency were getting annoying" Dazai said having calmed down. "You didn't go to work while I was gone?" Chuuya asked concerned on how bad it must have really been.
"No but it's fine I play hooky all the time" Dazai responds already putting back up his mask and persona. "You should at least tell them you're not going in so they don't worry you know" Chuuya says sighing. "Aww is my loyal dog real that worried" Dazai says a smirk on his face. "I am not your dog you stupid mackerel" Chuuya spits back eyes laced with anger. "No your right your just my personal hat rack slug" Dazai responds back a smirk on his face. "I am not you hat rack you waste of bandages" Chuuya says before getting up and walking over to his dresser. "Where are you going?" Dazai asks rather curious. "None of your damn business shithead" Chuuya reply's back grabbing some clothes before heading into the bathroom to shower. Chuuya didn't really expect to find anything in the bathroom but he sure as hell didn't expect to find Dazai's dried blood on the floor along with a bloody razor blade.He knew about Dazai's cutting since he has had to help him put on bandages but would it kill him to at least clean up. It did worry him that there was a large amount of blood on the floor but if Dazai was able to argue with him then he must be fine and not have lost to much. He really did wish that Dazai would at least quiet since it wasn't healthy but he wasn't going to force him because after all he had trusted him enough to let him know. "Hey bandage wasting device next time clean your damn blood off the floor and pick up your blade for fucks sake" Chuuya yelled from the bathroom. "Only if you stop being a midget" Dazai responded grinning. What was that dickhead" Chuuya responded back before turning on the water and cleaning the mess while it heated up. Dazai softly chuckled to himself happy that Chuuya was back and that he could argue with him again.
Authors note: Hi my lovelies I'm not really sure if I like this fanfic or not to b honest. It's snot really what I had in mind on what I wanted to write but it's not the worst thing I have written so I hope you guys liked it. I have been wanting to start something new but I just haven't figured out what I want my new series to be about. Don't get me wrong I like writing these short stories but I also really like writing series even though I end up loosing motivation. Thank you guys so much for reading this and I'll see you in my next one. Byeeeee <3<3