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Split amongst the rocks, nestled in a camp on a mountain somewhere in an Asian country that Ray couldn't remember the name of, they sat.
“Why did we have to come up here? It's cold and that summit group thought we were dead!”
“Who cares what they thought? I just need somewhere cold and quiet to think.”
“We could have just gone to Mount Chilead. There's spots nobody would have found us, and we didn't have to leave everyone to get there.”
“You really think there'd be any privacy? Like at all? Sometimes Yuno dares people to drive off it and they do. I'd be the one person who ends up dead because a flying car managed to decapitate me. And that's assuming we don't get jumped by a lion or some other dumb shit. It wasn't big enough either, someone would come sniffing around for me.”
“Why’s it so bad that people want to comfort us, you stupid bitch?”
“Because I need to be alone right now. I need it.”
“What's being alone ever done for us, then? What about everyone who needs us? You're such an asshole!”
“I don't - you know I can't remember them.”
“It's like you aren't even trying! If I can remember them, we remember them. Why won't you acknowledge that?”
“Why don't you ever let me get a minute to think? You know what, fuck you, Mugs, if that-
“You know it's Cups, I'll throw us off this stupid mountain you yucking goblin-”
“CUPS! Shut the fuck up! Just be quiet!”
“No, I yuckin' hate you! You're trying to ruin everything!”
“God, this is so pathetic. The way you made your whole life about a fucking clown. About that clown. That's disgusting, you're making me disgusting, you're making my life a fucking JOKE!”
“Life is a joke, and don't you talk bad about Chatty! You're the one who fell in love with him, but you're too much of a coward to remember. That's what this is. You're scaaaared, aren't you? Wetting our panties over how we're able to love somebody like this much. He's our twin flame and you’d rather burn everything to the ground then let him love us. Everybody loves us, ‘cept like ten people and yuck those idiots anyway!”
“I'm not scared of anything...”
“Then remember. Remember everybody. You didn't even remember Max, and he's the kindest person we've ever met. We protect people too, you know. We have a lot of people we aren't protecting right now, the way we should be. You won't even remember Kitty, and you made us leave her.”
“Why is that my responsibility? Can you explain that, since you know everything?”
“Because we put them in danger.”
“Then me being gone should just help. I can't keep putting them in danger if I'm not around. Why would civs want us around so bad?”
“Because, you asshole, they love us! They accept the risk because we're there to protect them, and loving us is worth it to them!”
“They love you! Not me!”
“They loved you-us before it was both of us. When it was only you, and you wanted us to have love more than anything. Now that you have so much of it, you made us abandon every last one of them. Jokes on them, right? They thought they could trust us to never leave them. All those promises - all those long conversations with them, how we swore we'd have their backs and they can trust in us. You made us a liar. And it's worse with Chatty… we helped him, y'know. We helped him realize what an amazing guy he is, and we loved him so much he figured out how to love himself… but you won't let us learn that. You won't let all of our people teach us how to accept being happy.”
“I don't need anybody else to tell me how to be happy.”
“Oh really? How about you tell me what happy means to you?”
“It means being comfortable, and being relied on by the boys, it means…”
“Being useful, staying out of the way unless someone wants to take something from us? Making sure we're just an afterthought, right? You want people to see us but not too close. Call us for favors and all that bullyuck, make sure everything is surface level so they don't see we ain't perfect?”
“What is your problem with me? How can I think with you yapping and criticizing me constantly? I can't get away from you but I'm trying to understand you, I'm trying to remember!”
“We keep having the same conversation over and over! You have to accept us to remember!”
“I have to accept you, but you won't accept me, that's what it seems like. I have to just…”
“How can I accept being such a pussy when we finally have everything we ever wanted, how about you explain that to me?”
“How can I accept it if I can't remember?”
She sobbed out hard, curling into the tent they were wedged in. Her body was wracked with psychosomatic symptoms, her disordered thinking made visible the twisting of her flesh. She glowed with heat so potent inside that she felt feverish, delirious with it, though her skin was actually a comfortable temperature inside her habitat. Her joints burned as her psyche tore her apart, leaving her unable to reach the tent flap for the burst of frigid mountain air that would rob her actual body of necessary warmth. This battle was worst in the night time, more vicious when trapped inside the safety of her tent, bound by promises she couldn't remember taking.
It was as if her mind was fractured, lifeblood trickling into the deepest recesses of her subconscious, giving form to the monsters she had always struggled to keep at bay. This relationship - it must have fed these things. Her split fed them, and would continue to do so unless she was able to reconcile with herself. It was why she had traveled days to get there. She needed to reconcile, to accept what Cups meant in her life.
“You do remember, don't you? It doesn't make sense otherwise. Why can't you let yourself see, Ray? Why can't you accept us?”
“Why can't I?”
With shaking fingers, she pulled Chatterbox's mask out from where it stuck out from beneath the pillow. She gazed at it, feeling nothing but an ache that defied description, deep but also fleeting.
Him. Chatterbox. Jagger “Chatterbox” Gerardy.
“Why was it him?”
“Because he's exciting.”
“So are a lot of people.”
“He wanted to kill us first… don't you remember? It was so scary but it was so exciting. Remember the night Benji stabbed him? Then we… us, as you, we called him. We wanted to know more. He made us feel alive.”
“I just can't believe it's a clown.”
“Why are you so hung up on that still? We're a clown too, y'know. They think it's in our blood now, ever since the war…”
“I'm not a clown. I was never a clown before.”
“That's a load of bullyuck and you know it. We've always been a lil bit of a clown… we used to stab our friends for a laugh. We would ride or die for them, but that's how we love. Like a clown. I can remember that about us. He lets us love him like that, and it's… is it scary to you?” Cups’ tone suddenly softened, holding his face to her chest; it was the only way the shaking had stopped, anchoring her back in some semblance of reality.
“Can you not start that shit again? I'm not scared to… I'm not scared to love him, I just don't know him.”
“Ray, listen to me… I'm trying to understand you, too. We're never gonna get back home if I don't. ”
Ray's brows furrowed as she slid to sit more upright. It was cramped by design in her tent, so her head brushed against the top. She considered the others words; until now, hostility and terror ruled the relationship between them. Ray could only see a nightmare when she thought of clowns, since the surgery; being hunted, locked in basements, a fear that could move her feet before her brain had a chance to react. Cups was trying, though - trying to understand what Ray couldn't.
“... What was the question?” Her voice was dry and without tone, but she was drenched with anxiety again.
“Is it scary for you… to be loved like this? Is that why you can't remember?”
The statement hit her like a physical blow, and she curled in on herself once more. That couldn't possibly be it. She had been loved for years without fear, hadn't she? Chang Gang had always been there for her, always loved her like family. Their love didn't scare her. Their love made sense, even if it was aloof.
“They don't love us the same way, and we both saw that months ago. Everyone that's accepted us since we came back - they love different, don't they?”
“The boys are just - they're a gang, they show affection different.”
“I know… we're Vinny's daughter now, basically Taco’s sister… they love us in a real way, but their love is different than everyone else. They're acting more like clowns with us these days… but Chang Bang is different with their love. They love unconditio-mally, but they don't wanna know us. They don't wanna hear our problems, they don't wanna comfort us… They want it to be… beneficial. To us and them. The clowns, and Max, and Kitty - they just wanna love us.”
The urge to fight back was quelled by the acknowledgement that Chang Gang loved her the way they were able to; at arm's length. She couldn't deny that much. They were always there for her when push came to shove, but few would offer a shoulder or spend a few hours helping her repair her moods. She was both trusted family and a relative stranger to the majority of the gang these days, mostly useful and happy to help. She gave a soft, choked-sounding laugh, rubbing at her eyes.
“You talk like him too, you know…”
“Is that such a bad thing? He makes us so happy… I know it's scary, but he keeps his promises. He promised us he wouldn't go away and he meant it. He'd wait until his bones turned to dust if it meant we would be together again someday. He won't die. He won't leave. We're his number one, y'know. We always wanted to be that to someone… joined at the hip that way.”
“He told me that, too… that I'm his priority. He's good, isn't he? Like… he understands.”
“Yeah. And if he doesn't get understanding us right the first time, he keeps trying until he gets it. Nobody tries harder than he does to make things good for us… to support us. He won't leave. Not without us at his side. Nobody else is gonna leave us either.”
“What about April?”
“April didn't leave us. She's touring again… she didn't leave us. She never meant to hurt us. She's always been a roamer, right? But when we see each other again it's like we never left each other's sides, each and every time. When we see her next she's gonna be so excited she'll try and tackle us and miss, and eat cement again on those beautiful red hearts…”
“Then we'll tackle her when she gets back up and make it worse but she'll just hug us…”
Ray continued the thought for Cups, a happy sigh slipping out. She still clung to the mask for comfort, but the thought of April’s unconditional love for her warmed her inside. That was one thing she and the clown had in common, at least; April. April's feral, wild nature mirrored her own so perfectly that Ray believed they were meant to be part of each other's lives. Windsong had told her that soulmates could be best friends, too; that's how April felt. Like being in the orbit of a piece of herself, like she could only reach internal synchronicity when she was near.
“She's so awesome. I miss her so much… I needed her so much before we left… so much.”
“She’s gonna be back. She is. She always comes back, and when she does, we gotta be okay.”
“I have so much to tell her. I hope she isn't upset that we…”
Cups shook her head hard, messy hair shrouding her gently smiling face.
“No! She won't be upset. She wouldn't be. Even when we left her, for years, all she ever did was miss us enough that we could feel it from far away. Remember? Every now and then we could smell her perfume… we could feel her arms around our shoulders… we would listen to her music and feel like we were home again.”
“We gotta be okay when she comes back. It would break her heart to see us like this…”
“We gotta be okay. For everyone, Ray. We gotta try so hard.”
“I have to remember… you have to accept me.”
“I do wanna accept us, Ray. I think I kinda understand now… and once you remember, it's gonna be okay.”
“What if I never remember?”
“Shut up, just stop being such a pussy about it. We remember. I remember, so there's no way you don't. You're just blocking it right now, but… well, we can work on that right? You just gotta start believing me.”
Ray winced, clinging tighter to the mask for a brief moment before pulling it back to look at it. The frozen expression grinned back at her, and she could feel something. It was like she was being twisted up inside again, pain and inconceivable joy both lighting up her chest. She sobbed and laughed in tune, forcing her eyes to stay open as she stared. She could imagine his face, those deep and surprisingly soulful eyes regarding her with an adoration she had never really known before.
“H- he loves me. Us.”
“Tons. Enough to let you leave when I wanted you gone, to protect you…”
“Do you still want me gone?”
“You made us miss his birthday.”
Ray frowned, gripping the mask again, hugging herself with it.
“I mean… he didn't even know his birthday, did he?”
“So what? What if he forgot our birthday?”
“I'd kick his ass.”
“Exactly. Also, I'd like to say I think this mountain sucks. It's not even the tallest, I'm pretty sure. How are you supposed to think with all those tourist groups coming and checking on us? Can we find another? And maybe… on the way, we could call?”
“Call? We aren't even in the same country!”
“So? We can steal what we need… we have our regular phone, we have our phone numbers saved…”
“You just wanna talk to Chatty… also, you didn't answer the question.”
“What was the question?”
“Do you still want me gone?”
“Are we gonna go find a bigger mountain? And call?”
“... Yeah. You're right… I think the mountain might be the wrong one. It's not big enough. Not quiet enough. Once we're on a taller one, I'll be able to think.”
“I don't want you gone. We're the same, Chatty said. I wanna get back to him and everyone else, and maybe to do that I… gotta just help you sort it out.”
She exhaled, and closed her eyes, laying her head against the pillow. She laid his mask next to her, and closed her eyes.
—--------------
The Next Evening
“Hullo?” His voice was crystal clear on the other end, light and sleepy sounding.
“... Chatty?” She said softly into the receiver.
“... Ray? Is that you?!” His tone awoke as joy injected him with energy.
“Yeah! I um - I wanted to call and check in and tell you um… happy birthday!” She wasn't sure why she was stumbling at the sound of his voice - she was only sure that there was something reassuring about it. Or maybe Cups' emotions were beginning to bleed into her own.
“It's my birthday? It must be if you're callin’ me. Are you…” He trailed off, leaving the question ambiguous, leaving her to choose what he meant to ask.
“I - I can't come back yet… we agreed we have to find another mountain though. A bigger one! This is helping. We don't understand each other yet… I still can't remember… but she doesn't want me gone anymore.” Ray assured him. “I just need a little more time before I can come back.”
She heard him chuckle softly, and could envision his smile. “Well, that's alright. Like I told ya, I'm gonna wait for you here… don't matter how long.”
“She said you'd wait for me until your bones turned to dust.” Ray said, unable to squash the smile turning the corners of her lips.
“I would. Just… try not to make it that long, huh? And be careful up on that mountain. Make sure you're getting enough oxymagen up there.” He told her, “And food. You been eating enough? You remembering to drink?”
“Yeah, I'm remembering all that. And I have oxygen tanks and stuff too…” The giggle that bubbled out of her was because his concern was sweet, and she kind of wanted to tease him for it. “I'm a big girl, Chatty.”
“Okay, good… sorry, I know you can take care of yourself.” He cleared his throat, and she knew his cheeks were burning pink with embarrassment.
“Don’t apologize for caring about me, Mister Box.” She made the last bit extra firm, but broke into a giggle again soon after.
“You got it, Miss Mond.” He growled her name at her - and now it was Ray's turn to stammer, the gravel in his voice reverberating in her spine.
“S-so I um – I just wanted to say happy birthday and let you know that, okay?” She hiccuped between ‘happy’ and ‘birthday’, biting her lip.
“It was amazing to hear your voice again… maybe you could call me again? Maybe when you find a taller mountain?” He asked.
“I'll try.” She told him; not a promise, but an effort to be made. “And I'll try so hard to get better once I'm up there… can you update everyone for me? And… and tell Kitty I'm sorry and I love her. And Max too. Tell them… I'm gonna be better when I come back.”
“You got it. I explained it all to everyone and I got them to understand, so don't you worry about how anybody here is doin'. We all just want you to be happy.” He told her. There was another emotion in his voice, one that made it just a little shaky. He tried to keep it seamless, but she could tell.
“I will be.” She assured him.
“Promise?” He asked, chuckling.
“... Yeah. I can promise that. Okay, talk to you when I can! Love ya!”
She ended the call before he could react, hand going to rest on her chest. Beneath it, her heart fluttered, imagining his reaction on the other side. She slipped the phone back into the purse of the sleeping stranger beside her on the train and looked out the window.
In the distance, the mountain loomed, and renewed purpose coursed through her veins.