Work Text:
Signora: Hey, check out my Spongebob umbrella!
*Signora opens their umbrella while indoors*
Sandrone: Signora, that’s bad luck…
Signora: Chill out, Sandrone!
Dottore, kicking down the door: WHO SUMMONED ME?!?!
Signora and Sandrone: *screams*
Scaramouche: How high are you?
Columbina: Mm, I don’t know how to say it in feet.
Pulcinella: No, they’re asking what drugs are you on.
Columbina: Oh, antidepressants, why?
Arlecchino: Are we fighting or flirting?
Columbina: I'm pinning you against a wall with my hand around your neck-
Arlecchino: Your point?
Capitano: So, you’ve finally arrived-
Capitano: Here to save prince-
Capitano: I’ve been waiting for this day-
Capitano: Stop skipping my dialogue-
Capitano: Seriously, stop-
Capitano: MOTHER FU-
*Everyone is playing a board game together*
Capitano: I will put 'A' down to make 'A'.
Pantalone: I will add onto your 'A' to make 'AT'.
Pierro: I will add onto your 'AT' to make 'RAT'.
Pulcinella: I will add onto your 'RAT' to make 'BIOSTRATAGRAPHIC'.
Pierro: *flips the board*
Dottore: If you spell skeletons backwards, it still spells skeletons.
Pantalone, deadpan: Wow, I can't wait for Halloween to see some snoteleks.
Columbina: But who gets which pencil?
Capitano: Since they're my things, I get the good one, Pulcinella gets the broken one and you don't get one because fuck you.
Sandrone: Do you guys hear something?
Signora: I hear the sound of you shutting the fuck up.
Pantalone: How is spring not everyone’s favorite season? The trees are PINK, guys!
Pulcinella: Allergies are also a problem, y'know.
Pantalone: But pink.
Dottore: And it's hot.
Pantalone: PINK!
Dottore: What's worse than a heartbreak?
Pantalone: Stepping on a cat's tail and not being able to explain that you're sorry.
Arlecchino: So we're gonna read what we wrote down so we can tell everyone in the class something about ourselves.
Pulcinella: Okay, my name is Pulcinella but you can refer to me as Lord Farquad.
Arlecchino: Okay that's not happening- how about you!
Childe: I'm Childe and I like the movie White Chicks!
Arlecchino: ...Okay... whatever, I respect that.
Sandrone: My name is Sandrone and I hate this place, it actually sucks here...
Arlecchino: Okay... and you...
Dottore: *nervous* Uhhh my name is Dottore and my favorite color is... math.
Childe: I still don’t have a New Year’s resolution.
Scaramouche: You could lose a few.
Sandrone: You could be less lazy.
Capitano: Don’t be such a bitch.
Childe: Okay DAMN, SHIT.
Childe: May luck (and this picture of Columbina eating shredded cheese at 3 in the morning) be with you.
Scaramouche, talking to Pierro: They're trying to lure me into a false sense of security! Well, joke’s on them! I’ve never been secure in my life! And I’m not about to start now!
Pierro: What State do you live in?
Dottore: Anxiety
Columbina: Depression
Pulcinella: Denial
Pantalone: NEW YORK!!!
Scaramouche: Do you want to be the Sun in my life?
Dottore: Yes.
Scaramouche: Good, then stay 92,935,700 miles away from me :)
Scaramouche: *sighs* I have no friends...
Childe:
Childe: *coughs* Bitch, what am I? A roach?!
Pantalone: I’m proud to identify as morosexual. I’m attracted to dumbasses and dumbasses exclusively. Someone asked me what the Spanish word for "tortilla" was once, and now I dream of kissing them under the moonlight.
Dottore: What kind of animal is the Pink Panther?
Pantalone, already taking off their clothes: God, Dottore, you’re so fucking stupid.
Sandrone: What’s it like being tall?
Pulcinella: Is it nice?
Columbina: Can you reach comfortably for the cupboards?
Pantalone, Capitano, Dottore, and Childe: We live in constant fear of the short ones who, in my experience, will climb four chairs, two boxes, a small coffee table, and six oddly placed stools to get what they want.
Pantalone: Fun Fact! The average person will walk by 36 murderers in their lifetime.
Signora: I like how this is a "fun" fact.
Capitano: It's fun because they didn't decide to murder you.
Pierro: How are we supposed to put a tracker the size of a penny on Dottore without them noticing?
Scaramouche: Hey, Dottore, I bet you 5 bucks that you can't swallow this penny.
Dottore: *takes and swallows tracker* Pay up, loser.
Pierro: ...
Scaramouche: Sorry I'm late, I was doing stuff.
Columbina: YOU PUSHED ME DOWN THE FUCKING STAIRS!
Pierro, looking at the two Childe's arguing next to each other: What do we do...
Capitano, pulling out a gun: I got this. Childe, what's 4 x 7?
Childe 1: 28!
*Capitano shoots Childe 1*
Pierro, panicking: Wait, but 4 x 7 is 28!
Capitano: No, no, no, Childe does the little finger counting thing, look.
The Real Childe: 26... 27... 28! *Looks up at them. Sees dead fake* Oh.
Sandrone: Who else is hiding in the laundry room trying to listen to Capitano and Arlecchino's convo?
Columbina: Me. I'm in the laundry basket.
Signora: I'm in the washing machine.
Childe: I'm in the closet.
Columbina: We accept you Childe. <3
Childe: No I'm literally in the closet.
Columbina: Love is love. <3
Columbina: FIGHT ME, YOU NERD ASS SLUT!
Scaramouche: At least try to sound slightly more sophisticated when you threaten someone.
Columbina: Oh, I'm sorry. I should ask; dost thou want to engage in a duel, my good bitch?
Scaramouche: Somehow that's worse
Pantalone: Did you buy eggs like I asked?
Dottore: Even better!
Pantalone: What the fuck did you-
Dottore: *holding up a chicken* Her name is Fluffy.
Childe: Scaramouche, I sense hostility.
Scaramouche: Good, cause I hate you. Now shut up before I shove you headfirst into a wall.
Dottore, passing their phone to Childe: I'm passing the phone to someone, who if I had to choose between hanging out with them, and having my organs removed one by one, I’d choose the organs.
Childe, passing the phone back to Dottore: I'm passing the phone to my best friend!
Dottore: Isn’t it weird that we can’t ride any other animal except horses. Like if horses weren’t a thing, humans would be fucked cause we couldn’t ride any other animals. Like riding animals wouldn’t really be a thing. We should probably be more grateful to horses.
Sandrone: Elephants.
Dottore: Blocked.
Signora: Camels.
Dottore: Extra blocked.
Pulcinella: Donkeys.
Dottore: Ultra blocked.
Pantalone: That dick.
Dottore: ...Followed.
Columbina: Sometimes I like to place my hands on someone’s cheeks, look into their eyes...
Columbina: ...And violently jerk their head until it snaps.
Dottore: ...That took an unexpected turn.
Pantalone: So did their neck.
Dottore: Goddamn it, the printer broke while printing out Arlecchino's birthday invitations.
Sandrone: Well, what are they supposed to say?
Dottore: "Arlecchino's birthday".
Sandrone: So, what do they say instead?
Dottore: "Arlecchino’s bi".
Sandrone:
Sandrone: Works out either way.
Pantalone: And what do I get out of this?
Pierro: I will give you a dollar.
Pantalone: What do you think I am? A chump? I would never do it for a dollar!
Pierro: How bout two dollars?
Pantalone: You got yourself a deal.
Capitano: So... who's the big spoon and who's the little spoon?
Dottore: We're chopsticks!
Capitano: Well... that's cute!
Capitano: Does that mean you two snuggle together perfectly?
Pantalone: No, it means that if you take the other away, the only thing the other is good for is stabbing.
*Pantalone and Dottore smile casually like nothing happened. Capitano slowly backs away before turning around and breaking out into a run down the hall*
Capitano, running away: PIERRO WE HAVE A CODE RED
Scaramouche: Rules were made to be broken.
Childe: They were made to be followed. Nothing is made to be broken.
Dottore: Uh, piñatas.
Pulcinella: Glow sticks.
Sandrone: Karate boards.
Columbina: Your neck.
Scaramouche: Rules.
Childe:
Arlecchino: Consider the fundraising over! Your hero has arrived!
Capitano: Uhh… where did you get so much money from, Arlecchino?
Arlecchino: Well, you know, I’m pretty good at numbers. I just crunched them, I stretched them, I analyzed my accounts, I timed the market-
*police sirens start to wail in the background*
Capitano: DID YOU ROB A BANK?!
Arlecchino: Oh, come on, Capitano, do you really think so little of me? *opens the bag as purple dye explodes on their face*
Capitano:
Arlecchino: …it was a credit union.
Pantalone, running around the corner: ARLECCHINO I TOLD YOU NOT TO TAKE THE BANKS MONEY
Signora: You three, explain right now!
Sandrone: It was Dottore.
Pantalone: It was Dottore.
Pulcinella: It was Dottore.
Dottore:
Dottore: …fuck.
Childe: *spins around in chair ominously* I’ve been expecting y- *chair continues to spin* shit *tries to stop spinning* shit *tries to grab a table to stop spinning* sHIT *falls out of chair*
Pantalone, to Dottore: Told you I did the chair spin better.
Pantalone: *seductively takes off glasses*
Pantalone: Wow...
Dottore: *blushes* Haha... what?
Pantalone: You're really fucking blurry.
Capitano: If you water water, it grows.
Arlecchino: ...What.
Pulcinella: They've got a point.
Sandrone: Your Honor, I hereby submit the following to the court:
Sandrone: Arlecchino, what the actual FUCK?
Childe: The only thing I'm guilty of is being adorable... ...and also assault with a deadly weapon.
Arlecchino: You have Crayons?
Childe: Yes, I have—
Arlecchino: You're— how old are you?
Childe: YES I AM AN ADULT AND I HAVE CRAYONS, I HAVE A BOX OF EMERGENCY CRAYONS IN THE CABINET UNDER THE TV BECAUSE EVERYBODY NEEDS CRAYONS SOMETIMES, OKAY? EVERYBODY NEEDS CRAYONS.
Childe: Pulcinella just reached down and untied my shoelaces and said "I have an itch for destruction"
*Pulcinella runs around the corner like a gremlin*
Childe: THERE HE IS! *Tries running but falls because Pulcinella tied his shoelaces together when Childe didn't notice*
Childe: Guys, there’s a monster under my bed and it’s really ugly.
Scaramouche, on the bottom bunk: Honestly, fuck you.
Dottore: I don't need to go to bed. I'm not tired, I'll be fine.
Pantalone: But, darling, I'll be so lonely without you. Come curl up in my arms so I can feel whole again.
Dottore: O-oh. Well. Are you trying to seduce me into healthy sleeping patterns??
Pantalone: Is it working?
Pantalone: Do you want to explain the text you sent me last night?
Dottore: It was autocorrect.
Pantalone: Autocorrect wrote "You're so hot. Please step on me."?
Dottore: Yes.
Capitano: Nothing feels better than winning Monopoly. Not love, not sex, not free pizza, nothing!
Childe: I’m sorry, have you tried pizza?
Capitano: Yes, and it doesn’t compare to owning half the board and watching the light die from your friend’s eyes as you take their money and feel your friendship slowly deteriorate.
Scaramouche: I like you
Columbina: Does everyone know their job for today?
Sandrone: Water the flowers.
Pulcinella: Vacuum the carpet.
Arlecchino: Wash the dishes.
Childe: Pretend to be a wolverine.
Columbina: Close enough.
Pantalone: Isn’t it weird how we pay money to see other people?
Signora: You mean movies?
Capitano: Concerts?
Childe: Prostitutes?
Pantalone: Wha…N-no, I mean glasses, what the fuck-
Scaramouche: If I was in a room with Dottore, Hitler, and Benito Mussolini, and I had a gun with two bullets...
Dottore:
Scaramouche: I'd shoot Dottore twice.
Childe: Sometimes I drink milk straight from the container.
Dottore: The cow??
Childe: What?
Pantalone: Dottore, W H Y?
Scaramouche: Arlecchino and I were crossing the street, and this man drove by and honked at us.
Pantalone: What did you do?
Scaramouche: They chased him to the next red light, and reached into his window, and-
Arlecchino: *walking in* Who wants a steering wheel?
Signora: Ayo, what the FUCK is this?!?
Childe, sitting down, surrounded by corpses: I won Mafia, that’s what.
Kidnapper: I have your partner.
Pantalone: What? I don't have a partner...
Kidnapper: Then who just called me a lowlife bitch and spit in my face?
Pantalone: Oh my god, you have Dottore