Archive of Our Own

“I regret it. Meeting you guys, meeting the master... and my teammates, I regret that all now. Because you met someone like me... everything seemed to have gone wrong. So now... I want to reset it to normal.”

“I said. Leave. Now.” Bam turned away, hands clenched into fists to keep them from shaking.

“Bam, wait, it’s fine. You don’t have to-”

“You don’t understand.” How, he didn’t know, but it was true. “I want you to stay away from me.” No. No, he didn’t. But this was what he needed. More than he needed shinsu, more than he needed Rachel. More than he needed him.

“Bam?”

“I’m sorry he died in vain.” Bam let the memory strengthen his resolve. 

“You can’t climb with me. You know what’ll happen if you do.” Silence. Bam refused to turn back. Refused to see the pain on his most precious person’s face.

Refused to see the blood, even as some part of him heard it dripping onto the floor. 

“Are you saying… I’m not strong enough to climb with you, Bam?” That voice had never cracked like that before. Never shown vulnerability like that. Never been so hurt. It was a lie. All of it was a lie. Bam knew how much it would hurt to hear.

The droplets crashed to the ground. Each one strengthened his resolve.

“Yes. That’s exactly what I’m saying.” No response. The silence broken by another crashing drop. “Thank you for climbing with me this far and helping me when I needed it. But this is where we part ways.”

Bam forced himself to manifest his wings, ignoring the hitch in breath behind him. “I understand. Thank you. For everything, Bam.” The quiet whisper echoed, shattering what was left of Bam’s heart. But it was fine. A deep breath.

“Goodbye Khun.” With that, Bam took to the sky. Just as he couldn’t turn back time, he couldn’t turn back. 

Bam stared at his hands. They were red. Covered with blood. It was normal. This was… normal. But it didn’t matter how hard he scrubbed. The blood wasn’t coming off. Not from Khun’s face. Not from his hands. Not from someone as tainted and monstrous as him. The knock on the door jerked his head up. Khun? But he told him to-

“Bam? It’s me. May I come in?”

If he didn’t respond, then Shibisu would go away, right? That’s how it worked, didn’t it?

“Bam, you’re worrying me. I’m gonna come check on you, alright?”

Shibisu should go away. He needed to… it wasn’t safe for him. For anyone. But the door creaked open. 

“Bam? Are you… you’re bleeding!”

He ran Bam’s hands carefully under the water before fumbling for a roll of bandages in his observer. Bam watched as he wrapped his hands carefully. More carefully than he deserved. His hands were white now, as if the bloodstained flesh wasn’t just lurking below the surface.

“There. That’s better.” Shibisu looked up at Bam, waiting, but Bam didn’t reply. “I know you’ve got the Thorn, and it’ll help you heal, but still. It’s nice to do things the old fashioned way too. And I know I’m not Khun, but you can still come to me if you need anything.” 

Bam stared ahead. If he didn’t say anything, Shibisu would leave faster. Would what he said to Khun work? No. That wasn’t Shibisu. He wasn’t staying for the same reasons Khun was.

“What was Khun thinking, running off now? When he gets back, he’s going to hear about this - just you wait.”

Running off? “Did Khun… send you to check on me?”

Shibisu rubbed the back of his neck. “Er… well, he didn’t want me to tell you, but… yes. He did. He’s worried about you.”

…Why? Khun wasn’t supposed to… he wasn’t supposed to look out for Bam. He wasn’t supposed to look out for anyone but himself! That was the whole point of… 

Bam looked away. “I’m fine. And you can tell him that I said so.”

“Right.” Shibisu didn’t believe him. “Like I said, he ran off for some kind of mission. He didn’t give me any details, because when does he ever. But this is odd, even for him. Did he tell you anything?”

So he lied to them. That was just like him.

“LIAR!”

Khun held himself straight and proud, Bam knew without a doubt that he was forcing his body not to react, and that just pissed him off more.

“I TRUSTED YOU!”

Power swirled around him and Bam was close enough to see the purplish sheen to Khun’s eyes. His eyes were always such a beautiful blue, but ever since the firefish had to save him…

Khun was drifting out of reach, even as he stood still, too still, frozen in place like in the glass coffin, despite the way he still moved and breathed. The walls between them this time were made of lies instead of ice, but they were equally isolating. And throughout it all, Khun stood tall, unafraid of the monster in front of him.

“Bam!” He jumped. Where was… right. Shibisu. Judging by the concern growing deeper on Shibisu’s face, that wasn’t the first time he called him. 

“What?”

“You tell me. What’s going on?” He pursed his lips. Bam waited for him to launch into a tirade about friendship and trust and… Nothing. Silence. He was waiting for Bam. Waiting and listening. He wasn’t able to plot out twelve ways for Bam to reach his goal before Bam himself could even realize what he wanted. Shibisu was only human. He wasn’t Khun. But Bam still had to do what needed to be done. 

“What’s going on? I’ll tell you. I realized something. I realized that I can’t keep climbing like this. I can’t keep falling into traps designed to keep regulars down. I’m supposed to be a god , Shibisu. I can’t just… wait around for everyone else to try to catch up to me. I have to go up. Alone.” 

Silence. He didn’t look at him.

“It’s been fun climbing, with you, but-”

“Is that what you told Khun?”

Bam didn’t meet his eyes. “It’s the truth. He was holding me back. Everyone is. I’m an Irregular. And I can’t wait around anymore. I’m sorry.”

Silence met his declaration. Shibisu’s expression wouldn’t be as devastating as Khun’s was, especially without that constant drip of red red red lie lie lie that pooled into too much, too much, too-

Pain erupted on the back of Bam’s head and he jerked up. Rak? What was he doing here? “Stupid Black Turtle!! Are you really trying to make us leave you?”

Shibisu was busy tapping on his pocket, glancing at Bam, but standing back.

“Hey! Say something!!” Rak rammed his head into Bam’s. “Did you hit your head last battle?”

No. No he didn’t. But seeing Khun lying there, unmoving, proclaimed dead, Rak stabbed clean through in multiple places, all of Bam’s strongest attacks falling flat as he failed to protect the people he loved most and…

I regret it.

“No. I just… realized some things. That’s all. Rak. You know it’s for the best that I go on alone.”

But judging by how tight Rak’s grip was on his shirt, he wasn’t planning on letting go anytime soon.

“Idiot Turtle! I’m your leader!! You can’t leave me behind! And the Blue Turtle isn’t going to let you go either!”

“Khun’s already gone. He’s not coming back.” Bam took a breath. In. Out. He may as well tell them how awful he truly was. Everything he did. “I warned him he needed to leave. He refused. I hurt him and drove him away.”

Shibisu’s hand fell to his side as he stared. Rak didn’t look away. 

“Try again Turtle. Why you’d care about such a fussy turtle, I don’t know, but you do. You wouldn’t hurt anyone-”

“I did.” The blood rolling down Khun’s face, dripping onto the floor. Drip. Drop. Drip. Drop. Mon-ster. Fail-ure. Slay-er. “I hurt Khun, and I made him leave.”

Rak glanced at Shibisu. “Oi, Tracksuit Turtle. Find the Blue Turtle and tell him to get back here. He’s so much of a coward that it rubbed off on Black Turtle!”

“It didn’t-”

“I’ll make sure Black Turtle doesn’t go anywhere.” Rak plopped himself on Bam’s legs.

Theoretically, he could escape, kick him off and flee. Rak’s blood would stain his hands too. And worse, Rak wouldn’t leave, even if Bam did hurt him. Rak was too stubborn to listen to his own instincts and escape the death that Bam would bring with him. He’d keep following him.

Khun… Khun had to try to plan around Rak. Khun would be able to outsmart him. Of course Khun wasn’t here to do that. But Bam was an irregular. He had to have picked up something of the skill by now.

Shibisu glanced between them and nodded, giving Bam a shaky smile and thumbs up before leaving.

Rak flopped over, head on Bam’s stomach, the rest of him splayed over Bam’s legs. “You’re worried about the turtles getting hurt.”

Bam flinched. How did he see through him that fast?

“That’s why you’re trying to make everyone leave.” Bam didn’t answer, but Rak just kept talking. “Don’t you know we’re all here because we want to be? Idiot Turtle, use your head! We’re allowed to make our own choices.”

“But when people are d-” Khun, skewered straight through, Rak stabbed by spears. Prince. Arkraptor. “People get hurt by choosing me. So I’m making sure there is no choice.”

Rak scoffed. “Then you’re just as bad as them.”

Frantic footsteps were their only warning before Shibisu threw the door open. “Problem. Khun finally sent coordinates, but I got an alert that a safe house was under attack. Two different locations.”

Rak shuffled up with a grin. “Finally. Let’s go drag that turtle back where he belongs!”

Shibisu braced his hands on his knees. “The retrieval team’s already en route to the coordinates. We should check the safe house though.”

Rak stared at Shibisu, then Bam, before reverting to full size and throwing Shibisu over his shoulder. “Let’s go. Come on, Black Turtle.”

If there really was an attack, Khun would be safer without Jahad’s public enemy number one in the way. He wouldn't have to look out for Bam at all. Not that he’d want to after… “Go on. I’ll wait here.”

Shibisu glanced between Bam and Rak, but Rak just snorted, turning to go. “Come on, Turtle. The Blue Turtle can handle the Black Turtle when he gets back.” Rak locked eyes with Bam. “And if you try to leave when we’re gone, your leader will hunt you down.” Before Bam could even reply, he stalked towards the door.

Shibisu gave Bam a nod. “I’ll tell the retrieval team to contact you if they need backup. We’ll see you soon!” The door closed behind them as Rak ran off.  

It didn’t matter. None of it mattered. If they found Khun, they’d bring him here. Khun was the most stubborn person Bam knew, but he wouldn’t be able to make it more than a few steps into the room before Bam would be out the window. Hwaryun would find him, and he’d climb with her and FUG.

Khun would be safe. They all would be safe. 

Bam curled himself up just a bit more. Their kindness was the worst part. They treated him like he actually deserved friendship. Loyalty.

That was a mistake he had to find a way to reset. Khun was step one. So why was it still so damn hard?

A message on Bam’s pocket popped up, jarring him out of his head. 

“Retrieval Team Report: Transport to medical bay incoming. Dr. Lily, standby for patient check up.” That didn’t sound like Shibisu. Bam didn’t recognize the name, but the contact appeared to be from FUG. The follow up beep twisted Bam’s mouth into a grimace. “Patient requests Jue Viole Grace to visit.”

He wasn’t Viole. He was Bam! He wasn’t some mindless Slayer pawn or their wannabe god! He was-

He was someone who hurt his friends. Khun was… Khun was just trying to protect him. He didn’t deserve to be…

He deserved better.

A shiver of fear ran through Bam at the thought of the sprawled body, the spear-

“He killed him? Just like that?”

Bam pushed himself off the bed. Viole was a killer. A Slayer. A god. An irregular who didn’t have connections or friends, especially fragile regulars. Viole was his reset.

Khun would tell him not to go, to stay human. But he was too blind to the truth. Bam was a monster. Viole was a god. There was no more humanity left in him. His bloodied hands confirmed that much at least. 

People ran down the hall but everywhere Jue Viole Grace walked, a path opened up for him. But he didn’t have the right to complain about it. Not when he was profiting from it.

The door opened under Bam’s touch, and the doctor glanced up at him. Bam didn’t recognize the patient on the bed. He was a regular, of around average power level for this floor. A single dark purple lighthouse hovered near him. A lightbearer then, like-

Bam forced himself to step forward. “Hello.” 

Khun would never let him stand here, be these people’s last hope for them to rest their dreams and desires on his shoulders. But he was supposed to be their god. And this was what gods did, wasn’t it?

The regular jerked to look at Bam, a grin exposing sharp fangs - a partial canine person then? “Viole!” Somehow, the name sounded almost as warm as if one of his teammates called out to him. Called him Bam. Like he was familiar, cared for, not as a god, but as a human.

Except… “Sorry. Er… Have we met?”

The regular reeled back before crossing his arms with a scoff. “Has it really been so long that you can’t even recognize me?” 

At a loss, Bam glanced at the doctor. She cleared her throat. “The patient was found unconscious outside a transport facility. His injuries aren’t bad, per se. His wrists and ankles showed signs of rope burn, and he had a lump on the head from where he was struck from behind. I’m still waiting for the scans to finish processing, but he appears to have a clean bill of health.”

Bam frowned, glancing between the doctor and the unfamiliar regular. Except something about him wasn’t… totally unfamiliar. The purple lighthouses, the way his arms were crossed defensively, both to hide his hurt and to try to make himself seem more mature almost? And the too-kind ‘Viole’... Bam had to swallow the lump in his throat.

“Unfortunately, the patient is still showing unexplained symptoms. He didn’t know the name his pocket is registered to. In fact, he seems to believe that he’s an entirely different person.”

“I don’t seem to believe it, you old hag! I already told you! I’m Prince! And now that Viole’s here, he’ll tell you exactly who I am! Tell her, Viole!” 

Prince? Did he say his name was… “Prince is dead.” His voice was a ghost of itself, even to his own ears. Maybe that was how Prince could hear it.

“What do you mean dead ? I’m here, aren’t I?”

Bam’s chest burned. A spear through the back, a lifeless corpse. “This regular is dead.”

No, that wasn’t… It was White who did it. White, not Dumas. White ate them. He even confessed to it.

Except Khun managed to claw his way back from the grave.

And now, Prince too…?

“Viole?”

“But… I don’t understand… Prince is dead .” He stumbled forward, but the regular in front of him was real , trying to hide his concern behind a scoff the same way… Was he really…

“No one understands.” She sighs. “He was found at a set of coordinates provided by one of your strategists, however.”

Khun. He sent them coordinates to find Prince. 

“Even so, we still need to verify his identity. I’ve sent a request to your strategist, but I haven’t heard back yet.”

Right. That’s right. Shibisu was busy with whatever else Khun had set up for him. Something about a safe house attack. He and Rak both. Khun would talk to them, and Khun would explain to them. He always was good with his words. He’d be able to tell them exactly what Bam did. And then, they’d both leave too. That was good. That was what he wanted. That was the only way to reset things back to normal.

“Viole can verify my identity! Ask me anything, and I’ll know it!”

Bam gave a jerky nod. Right. This was his responsibility. He had to get used to this. Life without his strategist, without Khun . Without… 

“Alright. Um… what was our team name back then? And who was on it?”

Prince raised his eyebrows. “You’re joking, right? Team Sweet and Sour. With me, you, Miseng, Wangnan, Ewha, Goseng, Lord Devil, and Arkraptor.” Arkraptor. Khun only sent one set of coordinates. Was Prince the only one who this happened to? Or was the safe house…? No. He had to focus.

“Right.” What else could he ask? “What did Goseng do that you didn’t like?”

Prince stared at him. “What the fuck are you talking about?” Wait. Was this not Prince? Or did he just not remember- “Do you mean the time she threw out all the snacks?”

Good. “Yeah.”

“Oh. Then that. She threw out all our snacks, and you brought us new ones. And she couldn’t throw out what you got for us.”

The happiness on Miseng and Prince’s faces as they slowly began to warm up to him was a memory that he clung to as Viole, one of his few happiest times. As for the rest of it… 

“What um…” What else could he ask? “Why did we split up after the Workshop Battle?”

Bam winced at the thought of the handshake, the promise to meet after a year. All he remembered from that day was Rachel, pushing him. Khun was there, of course he was, but… 

“Because that redheaded bitch told us that we had to get stronger or we wouldn’t survive the Hell Train.” His face twisted and Bam looked away. That was right. That was what Hwaryun said. That was why Khun had to go train them. “Is she still around? I’m so going to rub it in her face.”

Why wouldn’t she… Bam hadn’t driven her off - he had to have her lead him away if… Oh. He was asking if she was dead. “She’s still alive. I think she’s on the next floor.”

“And the others? Or do you have any more questions?”

Bam glanced over his shoulder at - oh. Right. Khun wasn’t here. He was…

Shibisu and Rak were yelling in the hall. The doctor glanced back at them, before turning to the door. “It sounds like I have another patient. As long as you’re sure of his identity, he just needs rest.”

Bam nodded and she stepped out, closing the door behind her. “As far as I know, Wangnan, Ewha and Miseng are a few floors up. I don’t know where exactly, but we can call them and let them know. Khun said that Goseng and Horyang are a few floors below us. They’re planning to stop climbing at the 77th, but it’s slow going.”

“And Arkraptor?”

Bam looked away. “I… I’m sorry.” It was his fault. White wouldn’t have gone after them if it wasn’t for him. They wouldn’t even have been there if Bam didn’t have to go.

Prince waved at his lighthouse, muttering. A piercing ring broke the moment. Bam jerked up and -oh. He was calling Wangnan.

“Hello?” It had been way too long since he heard his voice. Not since…

“What kind of greeting is that, asshole!” Bam didn't think he was imagining the quiver to Prince's voice. 

“Er… Who is this?”

“What do you mean who is this?” Prince's voice broke and Bam edged closer, setting a hand on his arm. “I've… I've only been gone a few years, and… You already forgot me? Fucking asshole… Fuck off, I'll call Miseng. At least she'll remember me.”

Tears pooled in Prince's eyes and Bam took over. “Hey, Wangnan. It's me.”

“Ole!! It's been too long! How are you?” 

“I'm fine. How are you? And how's everyone else?” 

“Same old, same old. Khun said he'd catch you up on everything that's been going on?”

Hang on, did Wangnan not know? Or… 

“Er…” Bam glanced at Prince. ”He wasn't able to finish telling me everything.” What was a good Khun excuse? “The Firefish was giving him a bad fever that day, so I made him rest. He mentioned everyone except Prince and Arkraptor.”

Prince gave him an exasperated look, but Wangnan's uneasy laugh answered Bam's question before he could get a word out. “Oh. You know Prince and Arkraptor, same old, same old.”

“YOU ASSHOLE! WHAT DO YOU MEAN-”

“YOU’RE IN ON IT TOO?” Bam forced himself to take a deep breath. “White told me he ate them! Khun told me everyone was fine! ”

“Ah… Right… Listen, Ole. I'm sorry I didn't tell you. It's not Khun's fault, I lied to him.” But Khun was the best scammer in the tower. There's no way Wangnan could fool him!

“Wait. It's been years. Neither of you assholes thought it was weird you didn't talk to me?” 

Bam couldn't meet Prince's eyes. “Khun was in a coma, and he just woke up a few months ago, and I've been training, but-” 

“Ole? Who is that with you?”

“IT'S PRINCE! I'M PRINCE!! OR HAVE YOU ALREADY FORGOTTEN ME? BOTH OF YOU?” 

He was training. He didn't want to not call, but he had to get stronger. He had to… “We uh… We found Prince. Alive.”

“You… How? That's not possible…”

“WELL I GUESS IT DOESN'T MATTER HOW, CONSIDERING HOW LITTLE YOU CARE!” Prince drew in a shuddering breath. “After White… well… you know, I woke up tied to a chair. Some asshole… interrogated me. Wanted to see if I was really me. I didn’t see their face, and they were using a voice changer. They said if I cooperated, they’d send me to one of my allies on this floor. After I answered their questions, they knocked me out. Woke up here. Found out I was on Viole’s ship. That’s all I know.”

“Prince… I…”

Prince ended the call and turned to Bam. “Get out. You’ve got to go train, don’t you?”

“I-”

“Go.”

“Prince…”

“I SAID GET OUT! YOU DON’T WANT TO BE HERE, THEN FUCKING GO!!”

Bam left.

There was only one person who was even remotely skilled at pulling off miracles like that. Only one person who Bam knew could swindle death and wind up coming back to life. The tower’s greatest scammer, who knew how much it hurt Bam to lose the people he was so close to, who was conveniently missing when Prince came back, who already came back to life once.

Who always had the most breathtaking eyes, formerly bright blue, now tinted purple by the red flames lurking behind them.

Khun wasn’t the same as he used to be. He was always strong, confident, certain. He was untouchable. A pillar of safety, a lighthouse, guiding Bam back to his side. And then the Hidden Floor happened. And Khun’s coma.

Bam knew he was lucky to escape with his life, but the Khun who came back was wrong, unsure, quicker to run himself to the ground, crueler toward himself. He didn’t get his way anymore - and as much as Bam wanted to take credit for his stubbornness winning against Khun’s pragmatism, it was more that Khun didn’t fight back anymore. All he insisted on was staying by Bam’s side.

Except now…

A knock broke his thoughts, and Bam glanced at the door. “Come in.”

Hatz stepped in, letting the door slide shut behind him. Bam flopped his head back on the bed. “Hi.”

“I heard what you’re trying to do.”

“Oh. Great, now everyone’s heard. Look, I’m sorry but-”

“No. You’re not.” Hatz stood by Bam’s bed, arms crossed. “Forgive my rudeness, but you’re not sorry. You intend to repeat your actions, therefore you cannot be sorry.”

Bam winced. He was right, of course, but… “It’s for the best. You know it is.”

“It is not. And Earrings deserved better from you.”

Of course he did. Khun deserved everything. He deserved the stars, the moon, the Tower itself. And if there was anyone who could get it all, it’d be him. Bam would just get him killed.

“He’s a dishonorable liar, but do you truly feel that he’s a burden to the rest of us?”

Bam hesitated. “It’s not a matter of being a burden. It’s my decision. I don’t want to climb with him anymore.”

Hatz crossed his arms. “And why is that? After everything he’s done for you?”

“Did you know about Prince and Arkraptor?” Hatz shook his head and Bam continued. “Khun knew they were dead. They were my friends, and White ate them. And Khun knew. He lied about it. And then he helped their killer get his power back.”

Hatz scoffed. “That sounds just like him. Why is this worse than anything else he’s done?”

The image of Khun, cheek sliced open and freely bleeding, arm held out, to Bam, not in condemnation, not to push him away, but to comfort him. Even after… After…

“Because.” Because this was the only way to reset it. This was the only way to protect him. “Because I said so. That’s my decision. End of story. If you don’t like it, you can leave. Climb with Khun.”

“Don’t forget who you’re talking to. I’m not the one who was dishonorable enough to abandon a comrade in need. And you’re trying to do it again. To someone who stood by you through everything.”

No, and he didn’t want him to. “Then let me make this clearer. You and I aren’t friends anymore. There. Now you can go climb with Khun. He’s your comrade in need now.”

Hatz stared him down, before turning on a heel, slamming the door behind him.

Good. Bam forced himself not to cry. This was good. One more… If he could shake Shibisu, then the others wouldn’t stay with him either. Rak… well… if Khun would be willing to leave him so easily, then he could drive away Rak. Somehow. At least this way, Khun would have the team he deserved.

The door slid open, without even a knock this time. Which meant-

“You stupid Black Turtle.” 

“I’m not changing my mind.” 

Rak let out a quiet hiss. “The Blue Turtle is back.”

He was? Why was he… This was bad. If Khun decided to stay, if he realized that Bam told him to go for his sake and not for Bam’s, he wouldn’t leave. He’d stay to the bitter end. But Bam was so sure that Khun wouldn’t…

“Go see him.”

“No.” Even if Khun asked to see him, he wouldn’t go. He wasn’t going to… he couldn’t see Khun again. The last time they met, Bam fell into the ever-consuming misery of a life without Khun. He couldn’t do it again. He couldn’t even stand to see the hurt on his face, the raw vulnerability and grief in his eyes, the blood on his cheek rolling down like a mockery of a tear. Whatever semblance of Bam was left alive wouldn’t be able to survive another break like that. “I told him to go away, and I meant it.”

“The fussy Blue Turtle thought you told him to leave us.”

“That is what I meant. I’m an irregular, Rak. I can’t hold myself back for anyone. And you saw the way Dumas…”

And now Rak was quiet. “Because the Many-Spears Turtle hunted the Blue Turtle, you think we’re all too weak to stay with you?”

No, of course not. “Exactly. He nearly killed you too, Rak.”

“So you’re trying to make us leave you behind?” Rak stormed forward, and Bam took in the way he towered over him in his size. “Do you really think I’d let someone else hunt my prey? No. I’m your leader, and you can’t trick your leader into leaving.”

“I’m not-”

“You are. But you can’t fool me.” He glared down at Bam. “You lied to the Blue Turtle to drive him away.”

Bam closed his eyes. “I know. And he deserves better, I know. I’m a shitty person, and a worse friend. Prince already told me.”

“You’ve given up, Black Turtle.”

“I just…” It was Rak, it was fine to tell him. “Everyone keeps dying because of me. This is… the only way to reset things to normal. I can’t stop the past. But I can fix the present.”

Rak let him go before turning small and flopping across Bam. Bam winced at the sudden weight, but didn’t protest the gesture.

“You don’t want to be alone.”

What? “Of course I-”

“Who do you think you’re talking to, Idiot Turtle? If you truly wanted to go, you’d have left already. You don’t want to leave, you want us to leave you.”

Where did that come from? “Does it matter?”

“The Red Turtle is on the next floor. You didn’t try to steal a ship and climb up on your own.”

“But…”

“You don’t want to leave us. You want us to leave you, like the Yellow Freckled Turtle did. You think you get people killed, so you deserve it.”

Oh… That… “But it’s true.”

Rak rolled off the bed, and Bam sighed. This was what he wanted. This was- A clawed hand grabbed his leg and Bam yelped. Rak stormed off, dragging Bam along by an ankle. Bam tried to pull himself up to see where they were going, but he couldn’t quite contort himself the right way. They were going toward the medical bay. Toward-

A door slid open.

Khun would be there.

Khun’s hand outstretched, eyes huge.

Blood dripping down his cheek.

“You. Turtle.”

“What?” Oh. Wasn’t that Prince’s new voice? Rak tossed Bam onto the bed and he bounced to a stop.

“You died and came back to life.”

“I told you. I don’t know who-”

“Who did you die for?”

Prince blinked. “Miseng? Why?”

“Was it her fault?”

Prince glared, but Rak just crossed his arms. “Of course not!! She didn’t ask me to! I wanted to protect her! So I did! It’s not her fault! If it’s anyone’s fault, it’s White’s fault! Or Rachel’s.”

Bam looked away. “I’m sorry. You were only there because of me.”

“Stop being so fucking arrogant, Viole! You don’t control my life. I decided to go on the Hell Train. It was my choice.”

“But I-”

“Black Turtle confused himself with the Squashed Rice Cake. He thought he was the one who killed you.”

Prince scoffed. “You didn’t do a damn thing! That’s what I’m pissed at you about! It took years before you even realized I’d died”

Rak crossed his arms. “Black Turtle lied to the Blue Turtle to drive him away.”

“Do you think you were being kind to him? Do you think you were kind to leave us behind without a word?”

“It was… I was just trying to reset things to-”

“No! No you don’t get to spout that bullshit! You can’t reset the fact we know you! It’s too fucking late for that! And if you leave? You think you’re doing us a favor?”

“Yes!” Bam couldn’t stop the shout and forced himself to lower his voice. “Yes. If it keeps you safe and alive, then yes. That’s what matters.”

Rak sighed before plopping on the bed besides him. “Stupid Black Turtle. We all want to go back to how things were back when they were good. Before wars and schemes. But we can’t.”

Back to when things were good. A similar plea tickles his memory. He’d said that, hadn’t he? Back when-

“You don’t have the right to push us aside to get to your goals. If we want to stay with you, that’s our choice to make.”

Bam sucked in a sharp breath. He… he was…

Hands pushing him back. Falling into the void. Falling, staring up at his star.

Eyes that held no fear, only concern, cheek bloodied, a hand outstretched. Khun only showed this vulnerability to Bam. He only treated Bam with kindness, looking out for Bam first.

The same way Bam used to care for Rachel.

The same kindness that led Rachel to shove him away. Tell him not to climb with her, because…

“Oh.”

Rak nodded once. “Talk to the Blue Turtle. Tomorrow. When he wakes up.”

Bam hesitated, then gave a single nod. Khun deserved better than him, that much was obvious. But at least, if nothing else, Bam would explain why he made this choice. Khun wouldn’t spend years doubting and wondering why he was left behind. He would know. This was for the best. 

Khun was ignoring him. Bam sat quietly in the hallway, but there was still no sound of any kind coming from Khun’s room. By now, he’d have been awake, have skipped breakfast in favor of a cup of black coffee, and been working on the latest plans. By now, Bam would have interrupted him with a plate, sat down to chat with him, and pretended not to notice Khun’s knowing look and fond smile.

By now. Bam should have gotten the hint that he fucked everything up, Khun didn’t want him around, and he wasn’t going to answer, no matter how many times Bam knocked.

This was… it was what Khun wanted. And Bam deserved it. It’d keep him safe and alive. Bam may have irrevocably damaged his relationship with Khun, but at least he’d survive because he wasn’t helping an irregular. At least…

“Oh! There you are!!” Shibisu scurried over, and Bam looked up. “Rak told us that you were going to talk to Khun?”

Bam pulled his knees a bit closer to his chest. “I was going to, but…”

Shibisu offered a hand. “You were busy with Prince when we brought Khun in, right? Come on. He’s this way.” Bam let him pull him up and followed him down the hallway. The hallway toward the med bay.

Prince’s door was closed as they walked by, and Bam glanced over before looking back to Shibisu. He owed him an apology too, but… 

“Khun was the one who brought Prince back to life, right?” 

Shibisu sighed. “I don’t know, but it’s the only explanation that fits.”

But it still didn’t make much sense. Even if Khun could somehow bring back the dead, why Prince ? He wasn’t that attached to Team Sweet and Sour, in fact, Bam could probably come up with a whole list of people Khun would revive first. 

“I’m glad we had some spare lighthouses we could give him though. I know Khun wanted me to learn how to be a lightbearer, but those lighthouses are way better off in Prince’s hands.”

Oh. That was it. Khun brought Bam his own replacement.

But… Why? Khun wasn’t supposed to still be trying to help him! He should hate him! He should leave, try to protect himself. He should…

“Bam!” He started at the hand waving in his face. Shibisu sighed. “He’s down at the end of the hall there. I need to go check in on Prince’s lighthouses and make sure there’s no collisions in merging the user profiles.”

“Ah, right. Thank you.” He walked down the hall, pausing outside Khun’s door. Low voices from inside stopped his fist in midair. Khun was awake. But who was that with him? A low laugh. White.

Bam slammed the door open, and there he was. Well, not technically White, but Vicente. His less murderous clone. Khun was awake and- What happened to him?

Bandages covered half the skin Bam could see.The edges of his hair were singed and choppy, The two most telling parts were the shinsu IV still in his arm and the fact that Khun was still in bed. And knowing how stubborn he was…

Bam caught Khun’s eyes, a hundred questions on his lips, all stopped by the subtle widening of his eyes. Why was he so surprised to see him? Vicente stepped back as the final lines of a spell circle faded away, 

Vicente who was still a part of White. The same White that’d killed Prince and Arkraptor. Was he targeting Khun now? Bam would rather die than let him anywhere near Khun!

“What the fuck are you doing here?” Bam’s voice dropped to a growl as he took in the scene. Khun shifted in bed, blanket falling away to reveal even more bandages. Why wasn’t the firefish healing him? And his Ten Great Families Genes should've kicked in long ago. What happened ? How was he still so injured?

Khun looked away, his lighthouses appearing around him in formation. Bam glared at White - Vicente - who held up his hands.

“My apologies. It won’t happen again.” That wasn’t him. Khun? By the time Bam turned to look, it was too late. The teleport flashed. Khun was gone.

Khun used that much shinsu while he was already weakened. Because Bam…

“He called me over to propose a deal. He helped me strengthen my seal on Hoaquin in exchange for a soul.” A soul? Khun wanted a soul? Why would…

Arkraptor. 

Bam dialed Shibisu as he leapt out the window. “Khun teleported out. I didn’t even get to talk to him. Can you track his lighthouses?”

A sigh on the other end punctuated the coordinates appearing on his pocket. “Good luck, Bam.”

With finding him or talking to him, Bam didn’t know. Either way, he’d need it.

The familiar blue hair stood out like a lighthouse in an endless void, calling Bam home. Khun was tracking someone? A canine person by the look of things. How did Khun stay quiet even now? But something seemed to tip off the canine person and he kept glancing back before turning into an alley. The second Khun followed him away from the crowd, he whirled, jumping at Khun. Bam leapt forward, but Khun was ready, gracefully ducking under him to land a blow on the back of his head, then one on his stomach. The regular doubled over, gasping and Khun shoved a cloth over his nose and mouth.

Bam landed beside him as the regular fell over, unconscious. Khun didn’t acknowledge Bam, instead focusing on binding the regular and throwing him into a lighthouse with barely a grunt. He found him, but… what could he say? How could he even start? Khun had left again, but-

“I appreciate the medical treatment.” Wait, what? Khun’s voice was flat, neutral, giving nothing away. His motions were swift and smooth as he tapped on his pocket. His eyes were hooded, and no matter how hard Bam studied his face, the only telltale signs he could see were the deep exhaustion lines and a bandage on his jaw. The slice on his cheek was an angry pink line, gleaming in the lighthouse’s dim glow, exposed.

Bam shivered and looked away, attention called by a ding on his pocket. Why did Khun transfer him points? 

“This should cover the cost, but if it doesn’t, let me know. I’ll do what I can to ensure it doesn’t happen again.”

The cost? Khun was… What even happened? And why was he worried about points ?

“Khun? Wh…” Khun had turned back to his lighthouse, but paused. Bam had too many questions, each falling over themselves to escape. Why was he doing this? Because Bam kicked him out. What was he going to do next? Bam lost the right to ask that question. Besides, wasn’t it better that he didn’t know? This was what it meant to reset things to normal. 

Khun still hadn’t moved. He was still waiting, wordless, back to Bam. 

“Er… What’re you doing?” Even to Bam’s ears, the question felt less like he wanted to know, and more like he was questioning if that was what he wanted to ask. But wasn’t it obvious? He had Arkraptor’s soul, and he found another canine regular. “Sorry, what I meant was um…” What did he mean? He couldn’t ask Khun if his plan would mean that he’d be hurt, but… “Do you… need help?”

Bam cursed himself as Khun turned back. His impassive mask was broken by the faintest widening of his eyes. Of course Khun wouldn’t know what to think. Bam was the one who drove him away, and now he was offering help.

Something clicked for him and he turned away, waving a hand at his lighthouse. “I’m quite capable of handling myself. You don’t have to worry about that. If that’s all…?”

Bam flinched. That wasn’t what he wanted… but he had to, right? Except he wasn’t supposed to lie to Khun. But Khun wouldn’t leave otherwise. No wait, that wasn’t… But if he didn’t imply that… Bam sighed, burying his head in his hands before walking up behind Khun. 

Khun raised an eyebrow but didn’t say a word as he started off, Bam following. Even without looking at him, the tense clip of his steps betrayed Khun’s stoic mask. This wasn’t the easy stance from the floor of tests, nor the battle-ready fake casualness from the Hand of Arlene. This was Khun holding himself together on the verge of something that terrified him. Bam terrified him. Bam had hurt him and driven him away, and now-

“Can I help you with something?”

Khun hadn’t even looked Bam’s way, nor had he shed his impassive mask, but he hadn’t turned his words into the cutting barbs they could be. It was a question. Flat. Neutral. But there was so much more behind it that lay unacknowledged. Bam picked his jaw off the floor as Khun continued. “I’m not sure why you came after me. If there’s something you need my help with, feel free to ask.”

“You’re offering to help me?”

Khun shrugged and some of the tension left as his shoulders gradually drifted away from his ears. “You’re here for a reason. It wasn’t about the points, and I proved I can handle myself, but you’re still here. You don’t have to take me up on it. I won’t be hurt if you don’t.”

He still wanted to help? He still… “I just wanted to see you.” The words escaped on their own and Bam cursed himself again at Khun’s bitter laugh.

“You don’t have to lie to spare my feelings.” Of course Khun didn’t believe him. “Nor do you have to fake interest or concern on my account.” 

“Khun, do you really think I would…” Bam stopped himself. Khun didn’t just talk to hear himself speak. “I… I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be. You made the right decision.” The right decision? What did that even mean??? He glanced at Bam, then looked ahead. The tension in his shoulders returned. “Khun children are designed to be cutthroat tools in service to something greater than ourselves. Not people. Feelings, emotions, desires, those are all secondary to our goals.” Bam’s heart shattered as Khun’s hand grazed the slice on his cheek. “I’ve known for years that we would reach the point where I can’t keep up anymore. It’s been a long time coming.” For once, Khun turned to meet Bam’s eyes. Certainty, surety, and resolve were all that Bam could read on his face. “You were right to put down a dull knife. I will never hold it against you, Bam. I promise you that.”

“Khun…” Khun turned to walk on, trodding over the shards of everything Bam thought he knew. His thoughts started and stopped, turning over and over everything Khun said. Not just Khun. Prince. Shibisu. Rak. Hatz. This wasn’t a reset. This wasn’t… how could things ever go back to normal? 

Bam nearly bumped into Khun when they finally stopped. He’d led them to a small room - dimly lit, only a single naked lightbulb hanging from the ceiling above a wooden chair. In fact, the grimy wooden walls and uneven floorboards confused Bam even more. This looked more like one of FUG’s interrogation rooms than anywhere Khun would go willingly. Khun glanced at him, a wry, yet bitter smile on his face before pulling the regular out of his lighthouse, depositing him on the chair.

“This will be unpleasant to watch.” Khun began to bind the regular in place. “I suspect you won’t want to see this.” 

Unpleasant? The word couldn’t quite pierce the fog in Bam’s mind, and Khun glanced over with a sigh, finishing up with the regular before motioning Bam to the side of the room. Bam approached, watching as Khun withdrew a bedroll from his lighthouse, laying it down.

“Here. If you feel comfortable enough to rest, you should. You look exhausted.”

How did Khun pick up on that? Khun was injured. Khun thought Bam cast him out. Khun thought… And he was still looking out for Bam? Bam approached the bedroll and Khun handed him a bottle of water and a bag of his favorite snacks.

“Here.”

Bam accepted them with a shiver and settled in to rest. Khun withdrew a piece of chalk and turned back to the chair.

“Will you wake me up before you, uh…”

“Yes, Bam.”

With that Bam let himself rest, the faint blue glow lulling him to sleep.

The silence was unfamiliar. Not even the low hum of a ship or the familiar tapping of a lighthouse. Bam jerked awake. That’s right. He’d fallen asleep out here- Khun! The regular was still where Khun had left him, a lighthouse keeping watch. And Khun himself was… oh. He was asleep, arms pillowing his head, like he’d passed out while working. His breaths were steady though, and he’d removed the IV.

He looked so small. Even in sleep, he was frowning. 

“Bam…” The troubled name escaped, almost like a whisper, and swallowed back the lump in his throat. A familiar beige jacket fell to his lap as Khun shivered. 

Khun children are designed to be cutthroat tools in service to a greater goal.

Everyone saw Bam as FUG’s weapon, a fledgling god. But the one person who’d always believed in his humanity didn’t even think himself human.

Bam draped the jacket over Khun’s shoulders, trying to be quiet, but Khun jerked up with a gasp. Bam didn’t even see the knife in his hand until he put it away. 

“Apologies. I didn’t mean to fall asleep like that.”

“Khun…”

“I know, it was bad form on my part. My lighthouse would’ve alerted me if he woke up or anyone tried to get in, but nevertheless.” Did he really think that was why Bam was worried?

“Khun, aren’t you cold?”

But again, Khun pulled away, draping the jacket back around Bam’s shoulders. “I’m fine. I can take care of myself.”

“But you don’t.” The words slipped out, but Bam found he didn’t want to call them back. “Wangnan lied to you. About Prince and Arkraptor. You let me believe it was your choice.”

“It was my choice, Bam.” He sighed. “I knew he was lying. It didn’t take long to figure out the truth, and with everything going on, I decided to wait to tell you until after the war.”

“But that’s not the…” Bam let out a frustrated sigh. “Khun, I know you keep more jackets in your lighthouse! And why isn’t the cut healed yet or-”

“Dammit Bam!” Bam’s eyes widened as Khun whirled on him. “I’m not your burden to carry! Just let it go! I’m fine !” He took a deep breath. “I’m sorry for losing my temper.” The mask was back in place.

“But Khun. You’re not a burden. And you’re not fine.”

“If I’m not fine, then that’s my own issue to deal with. Not yours.” The words stung, even delivered as matter of factly as Khun did. “I’m no longer your strategist. You don’t have to look out for me.” His hand ran over the scar on his cheek, a deliberate motion.

Bam tried to ignore the way his stomach roiled. He had to…  “Khun-”

“I don’t want you to.” The words sliced through him as Khun walked to the circle, ignoring how Bam reeled. 

“Khun…” He was right, of course, Bam didn’t deserve to have any sort of spot in Khun’s life anymore. Not after that. Not after he hurt him. “I’m sorry.”

“You have nothing to be sorry for.” Khun flicked a lighthouse on the other side of the circle, keeping one near him. “I suggest you wait in the hallway. I’ll alert you when the process is done.”

“You’re bringing Arkraptor back. Aren’t you?”

“I’m attempting to, yes.” A quiet sigh escaped Khun.

“I’m staying.”

It would be fine, right? If Bam just stayed long enough to make sure that Khun didn’t get hurt? That was fine?

“Then stand behind him. Out of the spell circle. Don’t speak, and don’t let him see you. I’ll verify that he did return intact, and then he’ll need a checkup to ensure that his new body is working properly.”

Bam nodded and moved where Khun pointed. Wordlessly, Khun knelt in front of him, the Firefish spreading out over the circle. Symbols flickered and glowed an eerie white-blue, grim determination washing over Khun’s face.

Bam had never learned spell circles. Arlene apparently was skilled at them, and there was something that made her special. That’s right, they didn’t take the same cost from her that- “Khun wait!! Spell Circles! They hurt their users, don’t they?” Khun was already injured. He was already weakened, and he was still…

“You forget, Bam. I’m not a good person.” What did that even mean? Khun’s back gave no indication of his emotions, even as he held out a glowing orb. A soul. The Firefish swept by, scooping it up. “The cost of the spell circle won’t come from me. Besides, it’s the Firefish’s power.”

Bam stepped forward, trying to get a good look at Khun’s expression while obeying his strat- no. that wasn’t right. Obeying Khun’s order to stay out of sight.

The Firefish blazed around the regular, power swirling and roaring. Bam would never forget the horrific scream, the way they seemed to ignite from the inside out, and the way the flames danced in Khun’s cold eyes. There was nothing, no sign of him toppling as he stood strong, alone. It was like he was back in the glass coffin, untouchable, locked away out of Bam’s reach. 

The canine person finally stopped screaming as the flames died down. Khun pulled up a lighthouse for them to see the canine person’s face from the front, and flicked another to a Voice Modifier. 

“I know you’re awake.”

The regular shook himself, glancing around and testing his bonds. “Where am I?”

Khun’s voice dropped into a dangerous snarl. “I don’t think I have to tell you who’s the one in charge here. I’m the one asking questions. Identify yourself.”

Bam shivered, and the person, maybe Arkraptor, growled. “I don’t care who you think you are. If that bitch wants information from me, she can come get it herself.”

“Why don’t you tell me which ‘bitch’ you’re referring to?” Bam bit his lip. Khun’s tone was cruel, callous. If this was Arkraptor, he didn’t deserve this. He was confused, and he just came back after years. Khun glanced his way, before his expression softened, just a little. “For all I know, we might have a mutual enemy.”

The person glared around the room. “Fine. I’ll play along for now. Her name is Rachel. Blonde hair. Freckles. She kidnapped some of my team and shot me.”

Bam bit back a gasp. Arkraptor. This had to be Arkraptor. Bam couldn’t fight the tears welling up. Khun shot him a glance before turning back to the lighthouse. “It seems I was correct. We can form an alliance. Continue to cooperate, and I’ll let you go, and ensure you meet one of your teammates.”

“Now that’s vague. What exactly do you want from me?”

Another glance at Bam. “I’m sure you’re aware of the sly nature of our mutual enemy. I merely wish to verify that I’m not releasing a plant disguised as a friend. All you have to do is answer truthfully. So let’s start again. What is your name.”

“Hon Arkraptor, you paranoid bastard.” 

It was him. Bam clapped a hand over his mouth to keep any sound from escaping.

Khun gripped his wrist, tucking his arm close to his chest. Was that the cost? What was going on? 

“Good.” He didn’t sound like he was in pain, but this was Khun after all. “Next question. You used to wear an earring. Describe it.”

“Gold. It was my engagement ring. My daughter has the matching earring in silver. She’s somewhere in the tower. Now it’s my turn to ask-”

“By your own admission, you were shot by Rachel. As far as anyone knows, Arkraptor’s soul was eaten by White. So you’re going to have to do a lot more than that to convince me you’re a dead man brought back to life.”

Bam glared at Khun. Khun knew how he came back, how was this not enough to identify him?

“What do you want to know? The members of Team Sweet and Sour? The test administrator Mule Love was on the 20th floor? I don’t know how the fuck I got here. The last thing I remember is getting shot by Rachel on the Hell Train, I told you! You’re just as paranoid as-”

“Fine.” Khun drew in a ragged breath and swayed. “One more question. You couldn’t sleep on the night you took the 29th floor test. Why?”

Bam stared at Khun, fighting off the urge to brace him before he fell over. How was anyone supposed to remember that? 

“The 29th floor?” That was way too specific! What was Khun thinking? “Oh! Right before the workshop battle invitations! The others kept me up training! Ewha’s explosions weren’t quiet. You ordered us all to sleep early, and I was the only one who tried.”

Khun stiffened, then switched off the voice disguiser. “Yes. That’s right.”

Arkraptor laughed. “There’s only one person I know who would be that paranoid. Your turn to answer questions.”

“Last I heard, Wangnan and the others are alive and safe.” Khun motioned towards him. “He’s safe, Bam. Get him back to the ship for a checkup, and bring him up to speed.”

Bam hesitated. Khun wouldn’t be here when he returned. But if Khun didn’t want to stay with him… Bam tried to talk to him, tried to apologize, but… If this was what Khun wanted…

Bam the rope, pulling Arkraptorinto a hug. “I can’t believe you’re really back…”

Arkraptor nearly jumped, but gave him a smile. “Yeah, I’m back. You’ve changed Viole. Looks like I have too.”

Bam just shrugged, glancing at Khun again. “It… happens. I’m not the same person I was on the Floor of Tests.”

Khun didn’t react. Bam just lifted Arkraptor and manifested his wings. “Hang on. I’ll get you out of here.” 

Khun turned his back to Bam, pulling up a complicated lighthouse display. “Khun? Can I carry you back too?”

“No.” His voice was quiet, but firm. The scar shone bright in a thin line against Khun’s cheek, glowing blue in the light of the lighthouse.

Bam hesitated. Khun wasn’t… He tried explaining, but Khun… didn’t…

“I’m sorry he died in vain.”

Khun ran a hand along his cheek. “Go, Bam.”

Bam left.

“And what was that about? You two used to be inseparable.” Arkraptor glared up at him.

Bam looked away. “I hurt him. And I put everyone in danger.”

“So he left you?”

“No, I told him to leave. I kept putting everyone in danger, and…”

“You regret meeting him.”

Bam froze in midair and glanced at Arkraptor. It wasn’t the face he knew, but he recognized the kindness of that day. “You said you’d never regret meeting us. What if… what if you meeting us hurt us? Would you still feel the same way?”

Arkraptor sighed. “Look. Viole. I sacrificed myself for Wangnan, but it was my choice. If someone wants to climb with you, it’s their life to choose what to do with. They’re not yours to carry. And it’s not your right to take responsibility for their actions.”

The fragile way Khun had held himself so stiffly, like the slightest breeze could send him tumbling over the brink. Or maybe he was already falling. Maybe Bam was the one who pushed him.

Bam never blamed Rachel for pushing him either.

“I have to…” He glanced at Arkraptor, eyes flicking back toward the building they came from. He couldn’t see Khun. His lighthouse, guiding him out of the dark was gone, had left, forever. No. He’d damned himself to this darkness. But maybe… maybe he wasn’t the only one fumbling around, all alone.

He never did get to explain his real reasons to Khun. “Khun’s injured, but he said you need…”

Arkraptor snorted. “I feel fine. I’m not in danger of keeling over right away. Let’s go. We’ll knock him out and drag him back if we have to.”

Was that a joke? At least that way he’d get medical treatment and they could talk when Khun was safe. “You’re right.”

Arkraptor grinned. “Of course I am. Who do you think was the brains of that team?”

“Khun.” Arkraptor’s laugh lifted Bam’s spirits.

A slow curl of smoke rose from one of the buildings. A lance of terror stabbed through Bam as he spotted another plume of smoke rising through the warehouse window. Without a second thought, he dove forward, barely stopping to set Arkraptor down outside before plunging in.

Khun lay sprawled on the floor, the Firefish swirling around him. It wasn’t healing him. It was setting everything on fire.

A spark leapt onto Khun’s pant leg, flames catching the fabric alight. Bam raised his trembling hands. “Wide Range Control! Rainfall!” The shinsu snuffed out the blaze, and the Firefish dipped in and out of Khun’s skin one more time, before settling down, a dull warmth flooding through Khun. A faint whimper escaped, and Bam lifted him up. He was alive. He was alive, but he was feverishly hot. “No…” 

Khun’s eyes were still closed. Bam clutched him closer, trying to avoid the old bandages and new burns. He was supposed to be safe without Bam. He was supposed to be…

Bam stepped outside, moving closer to Arkraptor so the Blue Oar would carry him too. He had to fix this.

This time, Bam made sure to wait by Khun’s bedside. This time, Bam was there when Khun finally opened his eyes. Khun stared at him, open confusion in his gaze, and Bam tried to smile through the heartbreak. “Khun… how are you feeling? Are you thirsty? Can I get you anything?”

Khun glanced at his hand in Bam’s grasp, gently tugging at it, as if testing that Bam really was here. “I’m… fine?” 

His voice was hoarse though, so Bam poured him a glass of water. He took it and sipped slowly, clearly still dazed.

“Arkraptor’s okay. Prince too. They’re training to get used to their new bodies, and they’ll climb with us for the next few floors. Wangnan’s waiting for them above us.”

Khun looked away, actually pulling at Bam’s grip, but not quite twisting free. “Good. I’m glad it worked out. You’ll need to find a replacement lightbearer after he leaves.”

“Um… actually… about that… Khun. I’m sorry. I’m so, so sorry I told you to go.” That distant look was coming back to Khun’s gaze, and Bam rushed to cut it off. “I was mad, and I hurt you. And I… panicked. I said whatever I thought I had to say to get you to leave. Because you’re safer without me. Dumas killed you. And I know you lied to protect me, and I didn’t know what else you lied about. And… I just… Everything bad that’s happened to you has been my fault. I haven’t been here for you. Really been here for you. Or… anyone really.” Khun frowned, and Bam continued. “I swear, I don’t believe any of what I told you about you not being strong enough to climb with me. It’s not true. None of it. You’re not just some weapon to point at enemies or throw away. I just… I knew it would make you leave if I said it. But I lied. And I’m sorry. I’m so, so sorry, Khun. I’m sorry.”

“Bam. It’s okay. Really.” Khun was reaching for him, but hesitating. The same confusion and concern on his face as that day. 

“No. It’s not. It’s… it’s not. It can’t be. I hurt you. I lost control. And I can’t reset it. I can’t fix it.”

“No. You can’t.” Khun sighed and leaned back. “And thinking about what-ifs and changing the past doesn’t help. I’ve been there too.”

The bitter smile reminded Bam of the whispers of those long years of pain that they still danced around.

“But it was my choice to follow you into danger, Bam. I’m not your burden to carry or someone to worry about protecting. I can make my own choices. And I would choose to follow you again.” The sincerity and vulnerability in his eyes sent Bam reeling. But something changed and his lips quirked into a smile. “Well, maybe I wouldn’t do things exactly the same. But I would still stay with you. No matter the end. Like I said. I don’t blame you for choosing to continue without me.”

“But… doesn’t it hurt?”

He shrugged. “It does. But we still had that time together. And I’d rather have that than live as I did without knowing what I missed, even if it hurts more.” 

That was what Arkraptor meant. That was why, even though she pushed him away, Rachel couldn’t truly leave him behind. That was why he couldn’t turn back time. He couldn’t reset the memories he had. And with the warmth in Khun’s eyes…

“Is it…selfish of me that I don’t want to let you go? I don’t want to lose you, Khun, and if you stay with me… you’ll be in danger.”

Khun stiffened. “But we’ll have to separate eventually. Like I said-”

“I don’t care. Didn’t you just say that it was better to have some time than none at all?” And Bam would do everything in his power to prevent Khun’s prediction from coming true.

Khun sighed softly. “No. You’re not selfish. Or if you are, then we can be selfish together.” Khun hesitated, then moved his hand to cup Bam’s cheek. “If you’d like me to climb with you, I will.” Bam leaned into the too-warm touch.

“But on one condition. I’m carrying the burden of responsibility for my own life. If something happens to me, it’ll be due to my own actions. Understand?”

Bam couldn’t fight back the tears as he nodded. Khun gently brushed them away. “Thank you…”

Khun’s fond smile reached his eyes. “I should be thanking you, Bam.”

“Can I stay?”

Khun nodded and scooted over on the bed. Bam climbed in beside him, and let Khun’s rhythmic breathing lull him to sleep. It wasn’t quite the same as it was back then. It never would be. But Bam would fight to keep this moment of peace for as long as he could. And then, when it fractured, he would hold it close, as he worked toward the next. And that was enough.