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after everyone had left, hyungwon stood out on the balcony alone. the night air brushed through his dark locks, his cheeks tinted pink from the cold. his fingers were freezing as they held onto the metal railing that kept him at bay from death – but why would he jump after he just turned a solid twenty-two years old? it was a good number, he decided, although not at all what he had expected.
at nine, ten, eleven years old, hyungwon had thought that upon reaching twenty, at least, being an adult would not be such a terrifying experience. at twenty-two, he realized that he was still far from being an adult. he still could get out of bed on time every morning, much more make decisions on his own. when he asked kihyun what to do, the latter shrugged his shoulders and wished him luck.
helpful, that was kihyun for you.
however, kihyun explained that there really were things that he did not like to involve himself in; surprise, surprise. hyungwon rolled his eyes at this, playful, yet he understood where kihyun was coming from. he would have to walk a day or two (yes, two days was probably enough) in hyungwon’s considerably larger shoes to know exactly what to do in such a situation.
minhyuk was a tad more helpful, tossing options left and right – but, hey, that was minhyuk. he liked feeling important.
this thought managed to put a small smile upon hyungwon’s lips despite them quivering from the cold. he heard the glass door to the balcony slide open, but he did not need to turn around to know who it was – strong arms wrapped around his waist, and he felt a cheek press against his back. he felt warmer now, and he was thankful.
“it’s fucking freezing out here,” hoseok muttered, arms tightening around hyungwon. “why are you even out here? kihyun finally left after telling shownu to stuff the leftover chicken into a plastic tupperware.”
“did it all fit?”
“well, we didn’t exactly have much left. i didn’t think there was even a minute where jooheon wasn’t holding a drumstick in his hand.”
a chuckle escaped hyungwon’s full lips, and he watched the fog that formed in front him gradually fade into the night. “how much tequila is left?”
“enough for a law and order drinking game.”
this made hyungwon turn around; hoseok was grinning cheekily, and hyungwon both loved and hated that smile. arms refused to let go of him, and hyungwon did not mind. in fact, he was used to them, and there was no place he would rather be than in hoseok’s arms. “law and order?” he retaliated, scrunching his nose up in distaste. “are you fucking kidding me?”
hoseok laughed at this, so distinct and familiar that it made hyungwon’s heart clench painfully in his chest. “okay, you know what, we’ll decide tomorrow. get some sleep, birthday boy.”
“i was worried people weren’t going to enjoy the party.”
“they enjoyed plenty,” hoseok replied, reaching up to brush away loose strands of hair away from hyungwon’s eyes. “i haven’t seen changkyun dance like that in awhile, and hyunwoo had to eventually hide the wine from kihyun.”
hyungwon’s smile only grew wider. “alright, let’s head inside and clean the mess up.” he pried himself away from hoseok’s grasp, stepped past him to head back into the warmth of their shared apartment. “you can go wash up first.”
“hey,” hoseok said, an obvious after-thought lingering. he grabbed onto hyungwon’s wrist, and the other craned his head to look at him.
“yeah?” hyungwon’s naturally lethargic gaze widened in question.
“i really do love you.”
hyungwon felt like he was about to throw up the fish fillet kihyun made for them. he could feel the bile rising up his throat, but he held it back – took a sharp intake of breath, and the cold air felt painful as it reached his nostrils. hyungwon tugged his hand back – acted as casual as he could without being too obvious about wanting to run away from this.
yet again.
hoseok had told him the exact same thing earlier in the week – on monday, to be exact, the perfect start to the dreaded birthday countdown. the whole scene had replayed over and over again in hyungwon's head during the most unnecessary times during the entire week. the glimmer of hope in hoseok’s eyes had made his breath hitch in his throat, and the way he could not help but look crestfallen after hyungwon had let out a nervous laugh embedded itself into hyungwon’s brain; it eventually started a habit of replaying every time hyungwon was close to reaching peaceful slumber, and hyungwon knew the memory made itself a permanent home in his mess of a head.
hyungwon had stopped hoseok then, before the latter began to further explain what he meant, the feelings he felt that hyungwon was not completely ready to return. he felt utmost affection for hoseok – definitely – and hyungwon was almost sure that it would never change. taking the next step, knowing hoseok the way he did, completely terrified him – thus the utter confusion and sudden helplessness.
he even asked kihyun for advice – who in their right mind dared call kihyun at ten in the evening asking for advice about anything other than condiments to use on spicy fried chicken, and whether to use palm oil or sunflower oil to stop food from sticking onto the frying pan.
one simple phone call had turned into a three-way conversation when kihyun decided to connect hyunwoo to the line. it had reached every single person in their friend group before friday rolled around, and hyungwon felt himself getting anxious because – what would hoseok think?
to hyungwon’s relief – and disappointment, although he was not sure exactly why – hoseok did not say anything.
until that moment.
“i love you, too.”
it was not the same, and with the way the usual sparkle in hoseok’s eyes had dimmed down, hyungwon knew he could tell. he turned completely now, and they stood face to face – hoseok a good foot shorter than he was. hyungwon reached out, cupped hoseok’s face between cold palms, and gently grazed his thumbs across hoseok’s cheeks, admired how hoseok’s gaze was always unfaltering, filled with a kind of love and affection only reserved for hyungwon.
“are you okay?” hoseok asked, mostly just to fill the tension in the air, although it did look like hyungwon was about to cry at any given moment.
instead of a verbal response, hyungwon leaned down, pressed full, chapped lips against hoseok’s own. he felt the other tense slightly, but eventually relax into the kiss. it was chaste -- and the only thing hyungwon could give in return.
the night was filled with things better left unsaid.
hyungwon recalled the sympathetic look jooheon had casted him earlier that night, and changkyun’s hesitance to ask questions; minhyuk, usually nosy and obnoxious, with no sense of filter, looked like he was carefully treading unchartered waters; kihyun, despite his drunken state, hyungwon had noticed, kept glancing over to see how he was doing; hyunwoo spent most of the night checking to see how hoseok was doing. hyungwon felt absolutely pathetic, and felt even worse knowing he had pulled his friends into this mess.
“i love you,” hyungwon repeated when he pulled away. it said so much, but meant so little – it would never be enough, and hyungwon knew it would take a while for him to return the intensity of hoseok’s adoration. it would be selfish of him to hope that hoseok would never feel or see him differently, but he deserved better. hyungwon was too afraid to let him go, but never made an effort to make him stay.
“i know.”
the smile that formed upon hoseok’s lips told hyungwon not to worry, but he could not help the rapid beating of his heart. take all the time you need, it said – and while that should come as a relief – a security blanket that assured him that, indeed, hoseok was completely devoted – hyungwon could not bear the possibility of hoseok holding onto nothing but thin air.
“don’t think too much,” hoseok added with a light chuckle. “you’re an adult now.”
hyungwon rolled his eyes. “honestly, fuck that.”
hoseok took hyungwon’s hand then, and lead them back inside, leaving the unspoken to be drifted off into the cold night air.
left for another day.