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It was rare to see Bokuto’s mood swings outside of matches, or outside of school in general. He’d always held such a cheerful demeanor, but today there was something swirling in him that he couldn’t shake. He’d managed to pull an all nighter from tossing and turning, his mind filled with thoughts he was only familiar with when he felt sad or empty.
Bokuto had plans, and he never liked to cancel or break his promises, so when Akaashi showed up at their usual meeting place, he found himself forcing a smile. He hoped and prayed it was convincing and that he wouldn’t have to end up worrying the other about it, but sometimes he spaced out and found himself asking to have things repeated.
Eventually, the thoughts he tried to push back, found their way to the surface, and he stopped in his tracks. Akaashi turned around, worry washing over him when he saw that Bokuto’s face was sullen, no longer wearing the false mask of a smile.
“Bokuto-san?” Akaashi neared him, slowly reaching his hand out, but Bokuto doubled back. His worry grew, but he didn’t push him to speak, knowing that at some point Bokuto would probably talk to him. He reached out again, just so they could move to the side, better yet, move to a more secluded area that they could be alone.
Akaashi was thankful that there had been a park nearby, and dragged Bokuto to sit on one of the benches there. He dug in his bag and handed him a water bottle, slightly damp from condensation. Bokuto took it and took a few gulps before handing it back and slumping down.
“Akaashi…” His voice was shaky, his hands covering his face as Akaashi could see tears flood over the side. “Akaashi, why does this happen to me?” His chest heaved, and Akaashi brought him close, burying Bokuto’s face in his own chest, the sounds of his sobs muffled.
“Akaashi, is there something wrong with me? Am I broken?” Bokuto clutched at his jacket, his hands crumpling the material. “How can you put up with me? Do you hate me? Do you think I’m annoying? Why can’t I make this sadness go away? You’re right here with me. I don’t understand.”
Akaashi hushed him, his hands rubbing circles in his back, his chest becoming tight. It killed him and always hurt him whenever he saw Bokuto in this state. He wanted to share his sadness so that the burden could be lifted, even if it was just a small amount.
It took awhile, but Bokuto’s sobs turned to small hiccups as he calmed down, still buried in Akaashi’s chest. It was warm, familiar, and Akaashi’s scent was nice and comforting. But the thoughts in his mind still rung clear, and it was like he was dragged back into the hell that he thought was only temporary. He’d wondered when they started; when they began to get so loud in his head and drown the happiness he tried to have. He thought that if he’d been cheerful, it would have driven it away.
He pulled away from Akaashi, his eyes soft, his expression solemn, and Bokuto felt a pang of guilt in his heart. Akaashi always had been there for him, and he always felt guilty having to make him comfort him every time. He’d hope that he wasn’t burdening him, but he was pretty sure he was.
But Akaashi never pulled away from him, and he never once told Bokuto that he couldn’t come to him for anything.
Bokuto took Akaashi’s face in his hands, he looked into those emerald eyes, his heart racing slightly. “Akaashi, I...I’m really glad. You’re always there, and you always know how to make me feel better.”
“Bokuto-sa-”
“No, wait, let me finish.” He took a deep breath, letting go of Akaashi’s face, holding on to one of his hands. “I’m so thankful for you being there, and sometimes I know that I can’t be there for you when you need it when I get like this. I’m sorry. But always know that you’re important to me, and well, I love you. I love you so much.”
Akaashi could feel his chest swell, and as much as Bokuto had told him that he loved him, there were times, just like now, that he could feel the weight of those words. He brought him into a hug, this time it was his turn to dig his hand into his coat, hugging him tightly, hoping to make sure Bokuto knew as well how much he loved him.
He pulled away, and they both smiled, Bokuto finally feeling a bit better. They began to get up, Bokuto’s smile no longer fake, and they start to head back to enjoy their day.
Akaashi stops, and Bokuto turns around to face him. Akaashi’s face becomes bright with the smile that brought a smile to his own.
“I love you too, Koutarou.”