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“No”
Single syllable, yet haunted in ways he couldn't enunciate. Initially Fyodor didn’t even comprehend he was defied, let alone how steadfastly, for no flagrant reason at all; at least not on first glance. It took him dozen seconds to parrot that single harrowing word inside head until gravity of apprehension fully settle in; puzzlement followed akin to a shadow.
He looked Nikolai straight in the eye, neither narked nor chuffed, just strangely confounded; not necessarily that Nikolai had objections, heaven knows he has opinions regarding everything but mostly keeps authenticity to himself, courtesy of jovial mask meant to protect the vulnerable core. When dealing with quicksilver character like that rebellion is to be anticipated behind every corner. So no, it’s resoluteness he was confronted with that caught Fyodor off guard, as well as the implication something major slipped his radar – because how come Nikolai dropped the act he’s left scratching head what brought this rare solemnity on table?
“Are you defying me?”, Fyodor raised an eyebrow, for once needn’t stage bit of perplexity; for once had no reservations about letting confusion show, had nothing to gain from shrouding it and going in blind, just to ineluctably lose.
Exhibiting emotions, especially so forthrightly, usually got under Nikolai’s skin; not this time around however, he remained unfazed, at least on the face of it. Rather unflinchingly met his stare, tipped chin up and murmured with frigidity Fyodor wasn’t accustomed to - “I think I am, yes”
Alright, that clears is – despite the icy surface Nikolai is fuming deep down. No dispute that he’s upset, just Fyodor couldn’t pinpoint the exact source of the storm; not of peevishness, any pettiness has power to disrupt one when least expected, let alone ones so volatile. It’s just that vehemency was out of proportions, to say the least. He neither said nor did anything Nikolai hasn’t seen before, so why the abrupt intractability? Unless this is culmination of accumulated tension Fyodor would be left scratching head what clenched jaw and dimmed flicker in hardened visible eye was about. Nikolai needn’t take eye patch off for Fyodor to fathom he must be shaken withing; could effortlessly seize into essence of his being, yet this time around was puzzled regarding what brought the tempest that stirring.
Now decoding the security system could certainly be put on hold. Fyodor swirled around in chair and glanced up at oddly earnest Nikolai; not that he disliked seeing him serious, quite the contrary, just knew each time shift happened he had to thread extremely carefully to prevent other shoe from dropping. No fire in eyes, but neither ice, Fyodor just just stared stolidly without veiling iota puzzlement. He let few heartbeats tick by, undaunted by the tension, even strangely intrigued; then murmured slowly, albeit guardedly - “What’s the issue?”
No reaction, save for couple quick blinks and diminutive sharp inhale that would have flew over anyone’s head; save for his. Fyodor took them as cue to proceed - “We’ve done dozen missions like these before and you’ve followed without complains”, he explained as mellowly as impassive facade permitted; opted for neither wooden nor fond approach, closest to genuine he could be. Really, in that aspect Nikolai should feel flattered he’s being besotted with brutal honesty; might sting at the moment but lesser evil in long shot, woefully for them both – left acerb taste on tongue but couldn’t be helped, better be aware of unpleasant truth than blind to it via honeyed self-crafted lies; does nothing but imply fragility of ego.
“So what’s the catch now?”, Fyodor drew every syllable out, eyes fixed right onto Nikolai’s cold stare. Fugitive grimace gave away the affliction; line lips were set in too flat, too forceful, too stimulated, just for sake of pulling wool over eyes. To Fyodor’s hawk eyes clear as day mask of stoniness was cracking - soon enough he’d come to the bottom of whatever this is.
Sole silver lining to this whole predicament is that Nikolai vocalized his aversion on time. If they were in middle of the mission, Nikolai’s fickleness kicked in and he acted on own accord then he might as well would have doomed everything to utter debacle; with back against the wall Fyodor doubted even he would have wits to worm himself out without aid of very one who shoved him in deep waters.
Ergo in rather paradoxical manner Fyodor ought to feel grateful Nikolai had enough judiciousness to bring the matter up now; supposed this fragile alliance of there is actually leading somewhere. If this scenario occurred months ago Fyodor had serious reservations Nikolai would be this direct with him, for more reasons than he could count; not that any would be misguided, far from that, Nikolai knew exactly who he’s dealing with and why any drops of honesty could backfire gravely – and yet in spite of being excruciatingly well aware how deep every measured word could pierce into his heart still opted for forthrightness. In all candor Fyodor had to applaud his intrepidity; or foolishness, perhaps distinction wasn’t so clear-cut.
Deep inhale, even from meter distance Fyodor could discern ice gradually melting from now indubitably grief-stricken face. “Exactly that”, hissed Nikolai; leftovers of exasperation but Fyodor could tell right away ire wasn’t aimed at his per se, but his machination. Something in back of psyche nagged at heart he knows precisely what this is about, but Fyodor shoved hunch aside for time being – better let scene unfold and then judge the picture when there are sufficient pieces of the puzzle for calculated guess.
Nikolai took a step towards him; reached up, took eye patch off and raked fingers through hair. He looked nettled, doleful and frightened in same breath; conflicted at heart Fyodor supposed, however it was manifest that exhaustion prevailed – one of tormented soul thrashing inside cages crafted by own afflicted heart. Either way, whatever mess was storming Fyodor was confident Nikolai had no one but himself to blame – likely was painfully aware of that axiom, thus frustration gained additional self-loathing hue.
“Because I know what I am getting into”, brief pause, another step forwards. Glint in eyes darkened, lips fell into frown - “Because I know what you are getting into”, added Nikolai strangely hostilely and in a flash realization dawned on Fyodor.
Aha, so it indeed came to that.
In retrospect it was glaring from the very start but Fyodor wished to overlook why Nikolai’s face gradually lost color as he went on with the ploy’s details. Why so, why he himself wished to gloss over Nikolai’s steadily increasing unease, Fyodor would rather he doesn’t know either – at times ignorance could indeed be a bliss.
Ever since that little gimmick in Meursault something between them changed. Fine, that wasn’t too on button, he knew what changed, had to call spade a spade – it became crystal clear Nikolai’s feelings for him were far cry from mere platonic admiration. Charming in a way, albeit befuddling; surely was never part of Fyodor’s original intention, mere endeavor at seduction would be below dignity, however undeniably worked in his favor. In order to maneuver other pawns to his preferences he had to offer something in turn, even if an empty promise. That wasn’t the case with Nikolai, mere warm gaze and praise were enough; at times Fyodor gave those to starved soul for ostensibly no reason, perchance for own sadistic entrainment. For all his complexity and contradictions Nikolai was surprisingly easy to handle at times – Fyodor wasn’t green enough to not grasp what double edged sword that devotion can turn out to be.
That night… it was just an unfortunate turn of events, messing with Nikolai’s mind and heart more than necessary wasn’t part of Fyodor’s agenda; yet still, what happened happened and Fyodor couldn’t claim he didn’t reap some unexpected benefits from turning Nikolai’s world upside down. Once in passing Nikolai kidded how meeting him changed his life. Impossible to confirm that, for obvious reasons; withal what Fyodor could claim without shadow of doubt is that Nikolai changed that day.
He became more… hmm, tasking to pinpoint it, but Fyodor would sum it up as queasy. Beyond question more erratic, even aggressive at times – especially if Fyodor’s own well-being was at stake. Again, flattering in a way, however could prove to be a hassle at times. On top of that Nikolai became way more clingy; not to say he was always there, but dropped by way more often for Fyodor’s introversion to not raise objections. Per usual he was swamped by with tons of frivolous mostly innoxious questions; withal as time went on those wits became thinly veiled bids for connection. Not so sporadically Nikolai crossed the line and probed too intimately – blatant attempt at getting to know empty shell behind title of heartless demon. Just what was there to see? Why would anyone in their right mind wish to get know him, real him? In all candor Fyodor lost touch with what’s lingering beneath the surface, how deep those murky water are and whether traces of humanity even dwelt somewhere deep down. Thence couldn’t help being curious what attracted Nikolai so profoundly in the first place. At first Fyodor assumed it’s misguided loneliness leading down the garden path, but as time went on it became crystal clear Nikolai’s attraction was dyed in other hues; mayhap less misguided ones.
What attracted Nikolai to him this ardently, this senselessly - that Fyodor could only ruminate void of satisfactory answer. Actually shedding light on those enigmas would require asking – bringing that silent topic to light and consequentially their relationship to point of no return. Spare him the scuffle, no wonder Fyodor opted for endless grueling contemplation rather than directness.
Nikolai never refused his orders before, but also never sought them out. In last couple months he began posing questions; showing interest in his actual goals pass skin deep; insisting he’s to be tasked with something, courtesy of versatile ability. Color him skeptical, however Fyodor came to learn there was no ax to grind, just his warranted paranoia acting out; no ulterior motives, just Nikolai’s protectiveness and apprehension getting the best of him, affections tugging at heartstrings. Jester mask dropped more and more often. Sure, Nikolai still regularly gave joviality a try, innate trait of his to jest around; nevertheless it took astonishingly little to get him to sober up. Even so, his solemnity was dyed in more poignant colors; sometimes Nikolai seemed like on verge of tears, completely unprompted. Fyodor never commented a thing, just let him be – heaven knows how easy it’d be to play him like a violin but intuition needled in back of mind mellifluous ballad won’t be what he ends up hearing, instead ear-piercing cries for freedom lost.
Not to mention, there was no glossing over how Nikolai looked at him. No matter what Fyodor was in middle of doing, what predicament he was mentally chewing over, what task busy with – it was impossible to ignore gaze that fervid. When Nikolai looked at him, even for a fleeting second, Fyodor could feel it. He could sense stare gliding over every inch of covered skin, leaving goosebumps and heat in its wake. Prior to experiencing something that vivid Fyodor had a sneaking suspicion Nikolai’s feelings for him were way more torrid than he assumed – that maniacal gaze solidified it. When stared at with such equivocal vehemence, one of a starving lover craving to trace butterfly kisses over neck and other of voracious animal itching to sink teeth into it and devour him whole how could he not assume Nikolai’s emotions seized deeper than mere platitude of romantic love could ever?
So yes, it was indisputable they’ve gotten closer over last couple months; much to his dismay or delight, at times Fyodor couldn’t make up his mind – knew for certain Nikolai couldn’t either. As Nikolai was in on nature of his ability after reuniting Fyodor saw no point in refraining from using it; never overdid it but never shied away from suffering for mission very God bestowed him with. So far he ‘died’ couple times. Last time was month ago. Mission went off without a hitch. He infiltrated the base, got captured per part of the plan and managed to get rise out of organization’s leader – mere distraction while Nikolai infiltrates the base from other side as a guard and takes members out in more subtle manner. Plan was to meet in the middle and take entire organization out in a night; plain and simple.
In the end boss ordered his demise before going away; made a grave mistake of taunting him by revealing all secrets in process, counting on Fyodor never seeing light of day. In a flash he was met with gun’s muzzle; tale old as time, Fyodor was counting on silver tongue buying him but of time. Regrettably nothing but wishful thinking. First thing Fyodor felt was warmth, followed by cold sweat; only after couple pangs more resonated inside head he realized he was shot couple times by one of subordinates. Nothing novel, he experienced death numerous times before, yet intrinsic fright and panic never ceased – au fond instinct to live could never be rewired, humans are meant to fear death. An animal bound by instinct he may be, demon incapable of connecting with others, yet in these final moments it’s the closest to human Fyodor felt – only in death’s cold embrace he came to realize absence of warmth in his life.
Just then Nikolai managed to reach him, but it was too late. He was already bleeding out, on very death bed. Howbeit ever went according to the plan, in mere minutes he’d take over main man’s body and cause unparalleled damage to organization from within; there was no reason for alarm, eyes and foolishness of human mind simply deceived. Despite knowing better in spur of a moment Nikolai went berserk and took all guard out. Being on brink of unconsciousness Fyodor saw none of the carnage, but spine-tingling screams and blood splattering were enough to fuel the imagination. Most would find such butchery chilling, mere prospect of someone close to them carrying such blood lust horrifying - instead Fyodor was amazed by how easily heart was led, in spite of mind knowing excruciatingly well it’s being gulled.
Nikolai cradled him to his chest, whispered how everything will be fine, more to reassure himself; with shaky hands attempted to mend the wounds, how risible they were soaked with blood to elbow. Thankfully Fyodor had enough strength and coherency to remind him why he’s not to do that, instead allow that body to die – thankfully that did the trick, but not to the fullest. At very least Nikolai was no longer trying to save him, but still trembling like a leaf; sniveled and grunted at times, voice thin and cracking as he attempted to tell him his part went with flying colors. Crystal clear Nikolai was panicking, despite all logic implying there are virtually zero reasons for such reactions. If he weren’t at death's door Fyodor would have mustered enough strength to console him – to remind him of own long forgotten philosophy, that he’s not to be fettered by biologically wired impulses but fight.
Alas, all in vain. Nikolai remained inconsolable, broken as if he’s the one dying. Head bent down, quivering lips and shoulders, heavy breath and thin voice as he tried to reassure but fruitlessly, violent beating of heart and sweaty palms desperately gliding over his frame – so endearingly lost, with surprising resolve Fyodor wished to just…
Whatever he wished to ended up unfulfilled. Last thing Fyodor saw before vision went black was his own reflection in those mismatched swollen eyes that saw only him; if Nikolai didn’t know about his ability no doubt those tears would be rushing down puffy face. If he had enough strength he would have lifted hand to Nikolai’s cheek and caressed, for one reason or another; tried to but arm toppled lifelessly to the side. Just as he spied Nikolai leaning in Fyodor’s eyes fell close for eternity. Last thing he felt before life left him was warmth he was missing all along - as well as pressure on lips. Maybe mind was playing tricks on him, or maybe just Nikolai wasn’t as intrepid as he presented. What a fool you are, just your luck quite entertaining one.
Either way those speculations ceased to matter. In next to no time Fyodor took over targeted body and had way more pressing matters at hand. It was only hours later that they reunited. Nikolai said nothing about that intimate moment, just asked if everything went as planned. In all frankness Fyodor expected a more, hmm, should he say passionate reunion; nonetheless everything in Nikolai’s demeanor screamed he was holding back in every possible aspect, thence enough for Fyodor’s sadistic appetite. Best for them both if that remains a silent topic and status quo is preserved, thus Fyodor followed the patter and made no comments – neither about Nikolai’s wayward behavior nor about supposed kiss. Although Fyodor had to remark Nikolai’s protectiveness and touchiness spiked up in following weeks – as if instinctive fear still coursed through veins. He didn’t mind caresses that lingered for longer than appropriate or grips firm enough to bruise, just brushed them off as Nikolai’s dire need for affirmation he’s there – with him.
All in all, whole experience left Fyodor at sixes and sevens. At times he didn’t know what to make out of Nikolai’s virulent love – couldn’t decide if it’s more a plus or a minus. Evidently had it’s striking benefits, but God knows it’s only matter of time it shows teeth when Fyodor least expects. Ergo it became distinct just why Nikolai objected to repeat of that plan; to him it’s not just a simple mission but living nightmare if he’s to watch him die again. When coining up machinations Fyodor never shied away from walking down most painful path. For God’s sake he’d gladly bleed, gladly die if that’s his fate.
Fyodor never had any reservations regarding own suffering; never took own well-being into consideration when crafting ploys for there never was anyone to weep for him. To have someone care for his well-being, void of ulterior motives….it was an odd feeling for sure. Fyodor couldn’t claim he disliked it. After all, what was still lingering fuzziness in chest about then? How is he to forget the warmth once he came to know it?
Withal, he’s not like Nikolai – was beyond being swayed by something as piffle as human emotions. Therefore Fyodor sighed, collected himself and pushed on. “Last time went splendid”, he uttered firmly, shattering the tension loaded silence.
Nikolai said nothing, nevertheless silence spoke in his stead; overcoat draped over shoulders did little to conceal tense frame, bangs failed to mask furrowed eyebrows and melancholy reflecting in eyes. Fyodor couldn’t claim he reveled in Nikolai’s misery too much this time around, knew they’re too close to the cliff edge; silent topic was alarmingly close to coming to light, although presence of peril didn’t dispirit Fyodor from pressing the issue.
“I died, took of leader’s body when he was least expecting and took care of the business”, he nonchalantly reminded Nikolai of that fateful night, observing jaw clench and chest heave from corner of eye. “So what’s the issue in getting captured on purpose and tortured again if I cannot be killed for good?”
There is, glaring one to the boot. Just Nikolai was above confessing he cannot emotionally deal with seeing him die in front of his eyes again; would give away too much, although nothing Fyodor didn’t know already. Still, being pressed in the tight spot Nikolai would be left with no option but to admit the vulnerability, subsequently depth of his feelings – and right there Fyodor realized he might have made an oversight. There is a very good reason why topic of Nikolai’s unruly emotions remained silent for so long. However there was no humming and hawing this time around, if Nikolai’s feelings start interfering with work Fyodor would have no choice but to address them sooner or later, even possibly at expense of losing his most powerful asset.
Bit by bit Nikolai stepped closer to him; head still bent down, dejection spelled out in every fiber of being. He halted only when feet in front of Fyodor’s chair; without uttering a word lifted hand and stroked fingers through his hair. Fyodor kept wordless, expressionless; neither nuzzled into caress nor swatted hand away. Touch was nothing new, however the dolorous way Nikolai was looking at him certainly was; with mask discarded for a moment he seemed almost like a lost child.
“But what if something goes awry?”, murmured Nikolai barely audibly, tone quivering. Despondent gaze glued to his face, undaunted by all emotions he was putting on display. As if Nikolai was afraid he’d disappear if he looks away, if he takes hands away for split second. Fyodor supposed that was the whole point of contact in the first place - reassurance for misguided disquietude. Heart knows no logic, it pangs even if head knows better; that’s why Nikolai couldn’t stop himself from cupping his cheek and caressing jaw, from feeling tangible proof beneath fingertips he’s there.
“What if your ability has limitations you’re unaware of?”, voice rose a bit, panic seeped into demeanor. Under some other circumstances Fyodor would have been peeved Nikolai gave himself the right to pose such questions; to underestimate him in such overt manner. But unlike Nikolai he knew better – knew these seemingly impertinent questions are not to be taken as insults but actually compliments. Nikolai’s insecurity spoke of nothing but affliction of his heart; of restless mind that mulled tiniest possibilities to point of lunacy.
Nikolai parted lips, no sound came out. Accented inhale, for a split second he looked as if he’s about to go out of his mind under weight of conflicting emotions. In last moment he managed to collect himself, so he added faintly - “What if this time you don’t come back?”
Silence dropped. What will I do then part was left unspoken for it was unnecessary. Nikolai didn’t need to vocalize his anguish and how he’s lose it, Fyodor could read in between the lines – no enigma what dwelt there when deeply embedded sorrow betrayed Nikolai at every step. Once your soul got addicted to warmth of my touch I guess it’s really impossible for you to return to cold loneliness you used to know.
Fingers trailed lower, stroked over jawline. Thumb skimmed right over lower lip; one rub, then one more. Caresses didn’t stop, became more sensual instead; slowness and featheriness elicited goosebumps, enkindled flame inside chest; familiar warmth by now, Fyodor would rather it’s novelty. Alas, those ruminations amounted to nothing now, not when Nikolai was fixating him with stare that ardent - that unflinching and piercing. Briefly Fyodor wondered if Nikolai would be bold enough to lean in and finally bridge the distance, in process risking of putting even more between them. One thing is kissing dying lips, those are capable of neither reciprocation nor rejection; by leaning in now status quo would be disturbed for good, yesterday would always be too far away.
Touch didn’t retreat, but that didn’t get Fyodor to cave in; would be contemptuous, he refused to bow. Instead Fyodor glared right at Nikolai, let few seconds tick by for tension to settle in before countering steadily - “Are you doubting me?”
“No”, instant sharp hiss. “That’s not it”, Nikolai went on meeker, touch of poignancy undeniable. He didn’t step away, however his caress became marginally more insecure; for split second hand quivered, silent breath left lips.
“You know it’s not that”, Nikolai squeezed eyes and almost fizzled; evidently at conflict with himself, whether to finally cross the line that’s never to be crossed or err on side of caution in favor of status quo that’s, in all candor, doing more disservice at this point.
After what felt like a lifetime Nikolai’s fingers traced down lips to chin; gentleness melted away, was replaced by customarily roughness. Fyodor didn’t even flinch; wasn’t even startled. Zero reason for alarm, roughness wasn’t byproduct of blood thirst but Nikolai’s inability to keep affect in check. That’s not to say grip didn’t sting in slightest; that fervency in those mismatched eyes didn’t cause disruption below the surface of consciousness. Quite ironic how Nikolai was acting this incontrollable out of raw need to protect him, yet ended up hurting him in process – not that Fyodor minded, in all sincerity that contradiction kept the flame alive.
“Don’t pretend Fyodor, you know me”, warned Nikolai gutturally low, glimmer in eyes mixture of something poignant and wayward; either way raw. Fyodor refused to be daunted; not like there was virtually any reason for trepidation, crystal clear what Nikolai was upset here with.
“You know precisely what this is about”
He does. Just is surprised this is finally out in the open. Maybe Nikolai was actually braver than he gave him credit for – although not brave enough for overt confession when he knows nothing but sobering rejection awaits.
It’s no longer even a matter of whether feelings are reciprocated or not, what warmth implied and just why he’s not fazed at all by Nikolai harboring such strong affections towards him – anything of those mushy sorts would prove to be more of a headache than a benefit. Precisely due to those feelings Nikolai is bound to him, null of any direct benefit save for crumbs of attention; thence by returning those affections Fyodor would have nothing to gain, just lose in case… nah, no way he’d be that spinless to allow something as piffle as emotions to lead astray. Although Fyodor supposed keeping Nikolai in suspense did work in his favor. As long as there’s glimmer of hope, no matter how tiny, Nikolai would be drawn to him like moth to the flame.
Fyodor huffed wearily. He didn’t turn chair around all the way, just partially to indicate these schmaltzy topics aren’t worth his while. “Your feelings are getting in the way, it’s in your best interest to fix that on time”, he murmured dismissively enough to sober Nikolai up; neither rejected nor properly addressed those burdensome feelings.
Eyes roamed back to laptop screen. Fyodor expected Nikolai to take the cue and leave now that he’s subjected to cold shouldering; of course jester didn’t put up with being ignored. Nikolai stepped to side and forced himself in Fyodor’s line of sight. “You say that as if it’s a cardinal sin to have feelings”, Nikolai protested flatly, yet fire in eyes didn’t mantle tempest inside. “Like it’s wrong from me to be human”
“It is an obstacle”, corrected Fyodor in same breath; narrowed eyes and scowled. He glanced up at oddly unamused Nikolai, unamused himself with this turn of events. “That much is immutable”, he stated stubborner, however didn’t give into instinct to smirk and gloat; would just fan the flames, hence kept on frowning and regarding Nikolai with nettled aloofness.
“It is an obstacle to you” , Nikolai countered with sharpness Fyodor wasn’t too familiar with – with accurateness he didn’t fancy in slightest. Nikolai didn’t glare per se, but did look more somber than Fyodor could recall for quite some time; needn’t be a genius to figure out Nikolai dropping absolutely all act boded for nothing good – nothing static, just change neither could benefit from at the moment.
Nikolai’s hands bolted up; at very least he managed to keep flinch in rein. For a second Fyodor expected to be caressed again, or perhaps strangled in heat of a moment. Instead palms landed next to both sides of his head. Nikolai trapped him in place, literally and figuratively; effectively forced him to face those bare facts he’d rather brush aside. “Because you’ve finally stumbled upon something you can’t deal with”, Nikolai leaned closer and fretted; in process his breath hovered over Fyodor’s lips, tempted into sealing the gap that’s better off unbridged.
Very much like Nikolai’s voice frame was quivering as well; irrefutable he was shaken, yet still pushed on. “Because you can’t wrap your mind around something as unpredictable as human emotions”, Nikolai stated as if it’s a fact, coldly calculated; however his demeanor was anything but, fiery and impetuous.
He took in a deep breath, glowered and then went straight for the jugular - “So it’s easier for you to pretend you simply don’t know”
Ah… he detested it when Nikolai was this spot on. Worst of all is that he couldn’t even insight otherwise when Nikolai is in for blood; tiniest inconsistency or falsehood would be spotted and seized in a heartbeat. Thereby Fyodor concluded that, for once, it’s really the best he keeps tight-lipped. Only by refusing to play this game could he spare himself the mortifying defeat; heaven knows ego was already wounded, spare him extra abasement.
Fyodor doubted he managed to hold back all of glaring dissatisfaction; although frown or two would be expected, as long as composure is preserved and he doesn’t lose his footing like Nikolai is in peril of at any moment. At very least he was confident he managed to conceal fuzziness inside chest; managed to deceive himself heart skipped a beat due to biologically wired fright. Au fond Fyodor was aware what those meant, that Nikolai’s words did nothing but hit bull eye – subliminally he knew precisely why he afforded gamble of Nikolai’s capricious emotions. Just wished he could look the other way this time around as well, without Nikolai griping his chin and making him look square in the eye.
Nikolai was leaning over him; effortlessly trapping him between chair and his arms. Although trembling, bit flustered in the face and overall upset, aura of dominance could not be negated. Fyodor doubted it was deliberate, and that part boded for nothing good – implied dominance came naturally to him, that this would become regular occurrence if he as much as yields once. Atmosphere has shifted, no longer was upper ground his to claim. Understatement Fyodor didn’t fancy the turn of events one bit, however knew better than to add more oil to the fire; no, instead he had to defuse the situation and elude the zero hour once more. Of course, that’s just a skeleton plan, but executing it swimmingly would be tasking – especially when Nikolai was piercing him with those fiery eyes. Nothing could fly over that gaze for it sees only him; mere attempt at deceit would cost heftier than he could anticipate.
Suspense dragged on. Fyodor kept his stare unshrinking, icy cold. Nikolai’s melted a bit in due time; gained touch of tenderness, as well as melancholia for he knew what he itched for is so close yet so far away. Despite all obstacles Nikolai’s hand still glided down and stroked through his hair; in next to no time lowered and cupped his cheek. Then he began narrowly leaning in, nothing but blind hopefulness on still too green features, and whispered feebly - “But if you knew all along, as I suspected you do, then why didn’t you pu -”
“Nikolai”, dulcet murmur of his name guaranteed to transfix – just for crucial few seconds for Fyodor to seize the upper ground. He straightened in seat, huffed and swatted Nikolai’s hand away; took him off guard and managed to break free. Fyodor flashed a meek smile, albeit patronizing - “You’re going off the tangent”
No, he’s not. In fact Nikolai was dead spot on, even if not apparent on first glance. Just Fyodor would rather some shadows aren’t brought into light; let them linger in the darkness outside sphere of consciousness, where they belonged – where he could easily turn blind eye to them whenever dreamed fit.
At first puzzlement flashed through Nikolai’s eyes; only natural. Fyodor could tell the exact moment realization dawned – heartbreak was tactile, glassiness in dilated pupils gave despondency away. Lips fell into frown, eyes downcast; bangs covered most of features, whole posture spelled defeatism. For a moment Fyodor almost pitied him; almost. But recalled just what tight corner Nikolai was about to selfishly shove him in and almost crowed; not quite either, all that he could define was bittersweet taste on tongue.
After couple heartbeats crestfallen smile crept up Nikolai’s lips. He chuckled, no ring of derision attached to tone, just wretchedness. Transiently Fyodor wondered if he stepped over the line and hurt Nikolai in some fundamental unsalvageable way; quickly realized his own thoughts got too tangled, that not only he was underestimating Nikolai but also succumbing to atypical sympathy. Another dry chuckle captured Fyodor attention and cut deliberation in tracks; under regular circumstances he would have triumphed over having Nikolai this beaten and broke, even for a fugitive moment; yet victory didn’t flow through veins, just something unpleasant he wasn’t too keen on defining.
Seeing no point in barricading him anymore, not after defeat that absolute, Nikolai straightened up and took couple steps away from – likely dire attempt to distance himself from own feeling and subsequently anguish; needless to say bootless. Nevertheless, maybe defeat wouldn’t be most befitting term. After all, he never admonished Nikolai for having feelings for him or implied they’re disdainful; just that this is neither time nor place for those foolish things. Doubtlessly it’d be child’s play to shot all Nikolai’s hopes down, yet Fyodor refrained from doing that; why so, perhaps he’d rather no dwell on that. Surely Nikolai would mull this moment over and over, to point of lunacy - hopefully in that madness he’d reach clarity. And if not then… well, let’s just say it’d be disappointing to have him give up only after one try. Path to happiness is paved in nothing but pain. For man of deep heart like yours life of suffering is inevitable.
Fyodor said nothing, just smiled grimly and licked lips. Instantly Nikolai’s eyes locked onto them, perhaps even unconsciously for mind was still sealed behind torment. Fyodor did so again; this time Nikolai began leaning in, however caught himself on time. Third attempt brought no reaction. Coward. Maybe it’s not time yet. Surely seed was planted, surely was thriving, just it’ll take some more time for bloom – maybe he needs to keep Nikolai in suspense for a bit longer. Or maybe he was off mark, maybe it wasn’t actually Nikolai who needed time.
“I summoned you here for the reason”, sighed Fyodor apathetically and leaned back into seat. No exultant grin, no piqued frown, he kept expression wooden, hued in disappointment. “And it surely isn’t for that one”, he tilted chin, regarded Nikolai with rueful smile and lightly shook head.
“But-”
Once more Fyodor cut in. “This isn’t going anywhere”, he waved hand and dismissed all of Nikolai’s concerns.
This time there was finality attached to words, thus Nikolai’s only response was a frown accompanied by thousand questions dying on tip of tongue – yet he dared vocalized none, knew bleak silence would be only answer. Nothing Nikolai wasn’t familiar with, but this time each second of silent treatment would hurt like a knife to the heart; twisting and turning haunting questions won’t let him have peace of mind until last thread of sanity snaps and he completely loses himself fighting shadows existent only inside own mind.
“Come back when you stop acting like a fool”, Fyodor murmured one final time. “Maybe then we can talk like two reasonable adults”
Without sparing Nikolai a single glance more he swirled in chair and went straight back to work; not that he was in a hurry to do any, just wished to make Nikolai feel insignificant; demeaned and humiliated. Not even as a punishment, but merely to teach him a lesson where foolish human stupidity can lead – thorny path spiraling only downward Fyodor refused to be led down on.
Barely muted gasp was his only response. Rendering Nikolai out of all people speechless on its own was a feat, but under these circumstances spoke volumes of just fragile he really is at heart. Why are you surprised? Did you really think you’d be an exception? Did you really think your feelings could sway me? Fyodor bit back the jabs; tad bit overtop. Rubbing salt into wounds won’t do them any favor, just lead down path of enmity and prosaic tension. Thence Fyodor refrained from saying or doing a thing, instead let time do its thing.
No sound; not even one of footsteps. Perhaps a whole minute ticked by before Fyodor glanced over shoulder. Per expected Nikolai was nowhere to be found. Heh, how typical. After that night when Nikolai was first subjected to his ability, he, in spite of all his contradictions and whimsicality, became surprisingly easy to read at times. Without shadow of doubt he retreated due to aguish overpowering; pressing emotions reminding of cages he never managed to liberate himself of, just shackles he bowed to; thus paradoxically to all his values Nikolai deferred to very impulse to flee, like a frightened animal. So much for dauntlessness, although for too relatable reasons Fyodor found himself incapable of chastising. Maybe it’s for the best he lets dust settle and go back to business as usual.
With nothing better to do Fyodor turned around towards laptop, with anything but soundness of mind. Absentmindedly he opened the folder containing details on mission to come, very one that proved to be a hassle in last couple of minutes. Eyes skimmed through endless lines of information, mind processed the information and tried to view it from different angle; almost subconsciously. Fyodor hummed to himself; closed eyes and kneaded forehead. Not exactly headache in making, but bit of unwinding could do. He could certainly use a pause, as well as a cup of tea. And perhaps in meantime… he could indeed revisit the original strategy, this time keeping Nikolai’s feelings on mind. Maybe it wouldn’t hurt granting him a wish or two.