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“I’ll support you. I will. Always.”
Emily stares, shell-shocked, taking in the body language of the teary-eyed woman next to her and trying to process all that she’s just heard. She continues to stare, recognizing that long-buried feeling fluttering back into her chest, only to be replaced by the all-too familiar pang of remorse stabbing into her gut.
Emily finally pulls her gaze from JJ, her eyes dropping to her lap. Her voice comes out low and dejected, “You can’t say shit like that to me.”
JJ’s brow furrows and confusion overtakes her whole face. She cautiously asks, “Emily, what do you mean?” Emily doesn’t answer, and JJ can see, behind a drooping lock of silver hair, Emily’s face contorting into stifled pain.
JJ stands up and takes a tentative step toward the crumpled woman and lightly places a hand on her shoulder, “Em?”
“No.” Emily pulls quickly away from her touch and holds up a warning hand. “No, Jennifer, you cannot touch me right now.”
Startled by the rejection, jarred by the use of her full name, JJ pulls her hand away and slowly steps backwards. She lowers herself back into her chair, hurt and anger now mingling with her confusion. She just sits quietly, eyes burning a hole into the side of Emily’s head as she waits.
Still looking at her lap, Emily begins, “It’s been fifteen years, and you’re really asking me ‘what do you mean’?” Finally she looks to JJ.
JJ notices the wetness pooling in Emily’s eyes, and it makes the slight anger she felt melt away.
Emily continues, her voice sturdier now, “Yeah, you didn’t quit on me in Paris. That stupid little scrabble game was the only fucking piece of my life I got to keep. A piece of you. Every other part of me died. So seven months later, with Doyle finally gone, it wasn’t easy for me to just dip back into my old life. I didn’t even want to.” Emily took a breath, “But I did. I came back to life—for you.”
Realization finally starts to dawn on JJ. She can’t quite believe it, so she keeps her eyes fixed on Emily, searching her face for the true meaning of her words.
“But you’re wrong, you know.” Emily’s voice shifts to matter-of-fact. And she doesn’t say anything more.
Evermore surprised by each new set of words and Emily’s shifting demeanor, JJ finally prompts, “Wrong about what, Emily?”
“I did quit on you.” Emily turns to stare straight ahead, deciding to continue this conversation with the kitchen cabinets. “When I came back you were still with Will, which made sense; he was the father of your child. But you still hadn’t married him. It had been like five years and still you wouldn’t do it. I guess I was foolish for believing there was a reason why.” Emily shakes her head, chastising herself. “It was your wedding night, when you looked into my eyes as you danced with your husband, that I decided to quit. And I did. Didn’t I? I left for four years!” She guffaws before becoming exasperated, “It took me four years and over three thousand miles to get over you. Or, at least make a dent in it.”
There it is. JJ closes her eyes and exhales deeply. That final sentence has left no room for plausible deniability. Emily is in love with JJ. But JJ loves Will. Yes. She loves her husband. Yes, of course she does. Slowly, she feels an inconvenient question bubbling into her mind. But are you in love with your husband? JJ shakes her head to push her thoughts away. Instead, she finds herself asking meekly, “Why did you never say anything?”
Emily snorts almost angrily at the preposterous question. “Hmm I don’t know… You were only twenty-seven when I met you. Not to mention, we were coworkers. Then you had Will. And then you had his baby. Who was I to complicate your perfectly curated life with my feelings? So I waited. Selfishly hoping you might end it with Will.”
“But I didn’t.” JJ fills in sadly. Her own tone surprises her.
“No you didn’t. So I left. So you could be happy and maybe I could be too.” They both are silent for a time, but then Emily smirks and looks at JJ for the first time since admitting her feelings. “There was one time I almost had you all to myself.”
JJ looks at her quizzically.
“Unfortunately, Jayje, the thing about loving someone is that you want them to be happy. The way you broke apart that day Will went into that bank and got himself tied up to explosives—all I wanted to do was glue you back together, whatever it took. So, I vowed to bring that man out alive. When I went in after him, as I was kneeling in front of him, mere inches from a ticking bomb, scared out of my mind, he gave me an out. He told me to leave and save myself.” Nodding rapidly, Emily turns her head away in shame. “And for a split second I considered it.” Emily swallowed and shut her eyes. “I’m sorry.”
In utter disbelief JJ leans in closer, “Emily, don’t apologize. You quite literally saved my husband from exploding into a million pieces.”
“Yeah. Because I love you, JJ. And I am going to keep loving you, in the same way I have done since returning from London. You are my friend and I want to keep it that way for you. But I cannot keep it up if you are going to do shit like profess that I am the only good thing about your job. You can’t beg me to stay while holding back tears, staring deeply into my eyes, and expect me to be just your friend. I can’t handle that.” Emily again looks at her lap, focusing on picking at the skin around her fingernails. This time she can’t stop herself from breaking into a full cry.
Before JJ even realizes she was saying it, the words come tumbling out of her mouth, “I love you too, Emily.”
Abruptly, Emily cuts in, still not looking up. “That,” She points in JJ’s direction. “I can’t do that.”
JJ stands again. She can’t believe what she’s doing, but she can’t seem to stop herself. She approaches Emily and again places her hand on her shoulder. Emily doesn’t pull away this time, but she whimpers, “Don’t.”
JJ pushes harder on Emily’s shoulder, spinning her on the barstool to face herself. She steps into Emily’s orbit, her thighs between Emily’s knees. Emily still won’t look up. JJ delicately places her hands on either side of Emily’s jaw, tilting her face up to meet her. Her thumbs stroke Emily’s cheeks affectionately. Emily is forced to look into JJ’s eyes and JJ can see the turmoil waging war behind Emily’s own.
“JJ don’t do this. This is the line for me. If you do this, I can’t go back to how it’s been.”
JJ doesn’t release her grip, but she closes her eyes. She moves her lips closer to Emily’s, gulping down the other woman’s breaths. She doesn’t kiss her. She won’t. But she dusts her lips across Emily’s, waiting for Emily to close the gap.
“I won’t forgive you.” Emily whines breathlessly into JJs welcoming mouth.
And still JJ doesn’t leave. Pressing her forehead more firmly onto Emily’s she nods emphatically, closing her eyes and letting tears roll down her own cheeks, to match Emily’s.
Emily grunts in a final fit of frustration, then finally her hands leave her own lap and move to either side of JJ’s waste. She pulls her in, gripping tightly, and finally, finally, she takes JJ’s mouth into her own. They both moan and whimper as their lips entangle and their tongues dance. Their breaths are hot and heavy—
BEEP BEEP BEEP
—“No…” Emily whines, and JJ groans along with her. They pull apart, each grabbing their phones and checking their texts breathlessly. It’s a 911 from Rossi. They make eye contact again.
Fuck.