Work Text:
SCREEN: “EUROPA Y SUDAMÉRICA”
[Scene shows a compilation of different goals and scenes from various matches from the Euro and Copa America matches.]
VO: By this time next week, both of these tournaments will be over and done with. It's been a long journey together, but it's not over yet! So here are the semifinals--dual-tournament style!
[Scene cuts to highlights from the France vs. Spain game.]
VO: On Tuesday night in Europe, Spain scored two goals in seven minutes to knock out France. The French had several chances to equalise, but the actual results of their efforts could be summed up by the following.
[Scene cuts to Konate standing on the sidelines dressed as Freddie Mercury, holding a microphone.]
PRODUCER: Ibou, where'd you get that costume from?!
KONATE: Let's just say a friend of mine gave me styling advice. [Queen's "Another One Bites The Dust" starts to play in the background.]
[Scene cuts to a replay of France's first and only goal.]
KONATE: [shouted] Let's go! [singing] Randal scores, giving us the lead/ Only 80 mins to go/ Ain't no sound but the sound of our feet/ Dispatching the Spaniards home/ We're so ready!
TV ANNOUNCER: GOAL!
[Scene cuts to replays of Spain's two goals, then back to a now-nervous Konate.]
KONATE: We're not ready for this!/ Now I'm hanging on the edge of my seat/ That young kid let a bullet rip/ Jules helped them take the lead! [shouted, to Kounde] IDIOT!
[Scene cuts to the France dugout. The benched players are dressed as members of Queen and singing as France misses chance after chance.]
BENCH PLAYERS: [singing] Another chance bites the dust/ Another chance bites the dust/ And another one gone, and another one gone/ Another chance bites the dust
TV ANNOUNCER: Full-time!
BENCH PLAYERS: Spain has gone through/ Another France bites the dust!
[Scene cuts to the France locker room. Several players are tied up on a giant mast in the centre of the room, and the French players who didn't play are gathered around it.]
BENCH PLAYERS: [singing, to the tune of "Drunken Sailor"] What do we do with the dodgy teammates/ Who just got us knocked out to Spain/ What do we do with the dodgy teammates/ As revenge for losing?!
[Scene cuts to highlights of the Argentina-Canada game.]
VO: Later that night--and we really mean later, the match kicked off at 2 AM London time--Argentina reached ANOTHER final by beating Canada.
[Scene cuts to Mac Allister outside the Argentina locker room, looking bored.]
PRODUCER: Alexis, what--
MAC ALLISTER: We got to the finals, I'm happy, yeah, I think we can win, yada yada yada. [rolls his eyes] Can you ask an ORIGINAL question?
PRODUCER: Do you feel bad for your opponents?
MAC ALLISTER: [opens the Argentina locker room and shuts it closed]
[Scene cuts to the away office. Marsch is slumped onto his desk, eyes half-lidded and head in his hands as he participates in a Zoom call.]
VIEIRA: [over Zoom call] Look at it this way, Jessekins! You got so far.
WENGER: [coughs] What's the straightness level in here?!
LIJNDERS: [cheerfully] Zero!
MARSCH: [mournfully] And we were so close, too...
MOURINHO: [over Zoom call] Don't worry, I know somebody who perfectly understands what you're going through! [whispers] Arsene...
WENGER: [over Zoom call] DAAAAAMN YOUUUU JOSE!!!
KLOPP: [over Zoom call] Alright, boys, settle down...
WENGER: [offended] I'm eighteen years older than you!
TERZIC: [over Zoom call] And boy, does it show!
[All the managers except Swanson laugh.]
MOURINHO: Nice one, Edin! You get a high-five for that one!
TERZIC: [shrugs] I learned from the best.
WENGER: I'll have you know that I won a grand total of twenty-one trophies--
LIJNDERS: [over Zoom call] In thirty-one years! And Jurgen won sixteen trophies in twenty years!
KLOPP: [triumphantly] BOOM! High-five, Pep!
LijNDERS: [deadpan] I'm in Salzburg and you're in Mallorca.
KLOPP: [shrugs] Virtual high-five, then!
CONTE: I just did the math...and Arsene's won 0.67 trophies while Jurgen's won 0.80 trophies. So, in terms of trophies per year , Jurgen is more successful than Arsene!
MOURINHO: [cackles] SPECIALIST IN FAILURE!
WENGER: [slyly] Why don't we get started on your new friend Edin's trophy record?
KLOPP: Oh, go win a Champion's league! [to Marsch] No, seriously Jesse, you have to be proud of what Canada's done. To be honest, I didn't expect you guys to get out of the group stage, but you did it anyway! All while watching the USA crumble with the guy who was supposedly "better" than you.
MARSCH: [perks up slightly] It was nice watching Gregg's downfall...
MOURINHO: See, Jesse? That's the sweet feeling of revenge! THAT'S a rivalry!!
TERZIC: Pipe down, Jose, the goldfish can hear you shouting from the other room. You don't want to have to put them to bed again, do you?
MOURINHO: [groans] I am NOT taking Josin and Edze on a walk in the baby stroller ever again!
CONTE: [raises eyebrow]
VIEIRA: Jurgen's right, Jesse. And you still have the third-place match , right? Whoever you'll play against, you'll do great.
MARSCH: [sighs] I guess you're right, but I would've liked to make it to the finals anyway. This sucks.
OTHER MANAGERS: [resoundedly] Hell yes it does!
[Scene cuts to images of the Olympistadion in Berlin, Germany.]
VO: The Dutch took the lead early, but then England was awarded a more-than-dubious penalty to equalize. Ollie Watkins then scored near the end of the match to seal the Dutch's fate and send England to a second consecutive Euro final.
[Scene cuts to Van Dijk on the pitch. His hair is free from its bun and he's dressed in a white, sparkling suit and playing a black, glossy piano. Above him is a screen, displaying highlights from the Netherlands-England game.]
TV ANNOUNCER: Turn around!
VAN DIJK [singing, to "Total Eclipse Of The Heart" by Bonnie Tyler] Xavi scored a wonder goal/ We lead the Brits 1-0 upon Jude's old stomping ground
TV ANNOUNCER: Kane's been fouled!
VAN DIJK: Harry dived again and now the British are level/ I'm tired of hearing all the jeers
TV ANNOUNCER: Malen's out!
VAN DIJK: Wout is coming in and though he's almost 2 metres/ He misses every chance that comes by
TV ANNOUNCER: What a clown!
VAN DIJK: Jude just got a yellow card/ Let's overrun the midfield/ And then let's see the look in his eyes
TV ANNOUNCER: Foden was offside!
VAN DIJK: England's whole attack just fell apart!
TV ANNOUNCER: Watkins in, out nine!
VAN DIJK: Our whole defence just fell apart!
TV ANNOUNCER: Goal for England!
[Scene cuts to an interview room. Van Dijk has been cornered by twenty journalists.]
VAN DIJK: [singing] And the refs were utter s***e/ Their VAR calls were worse than ever!/ And if we'd only scored tonight/ We'd have knocked them out forever!/ And Southgate got his substitutes right/ Watkins, last-minute goal!/ I want to maim the VAR guy on the referee's lines/ In Tottenham, this guy was diving all of the time!
ALEXANDER-ARNOLD & GOMEZ: [offscreen] All of the time!
[Scene cuts to Van Dijk sitting in the back of the Netherlands bus, watching the Signal Iduna shrink in the distance.]
VAN DIJK: I don't know what to do, I'm alone in the ramparts/ My mother's watching these referees shattering our hearts/ Out of the semis tonight!/ The hate is gonna start tonight!
DUTCH PLAYERS: The hate is gonna start tonight!
VAN DIJK: Once upon a time, they were falling in love/ With the goals we got at the start/ England got away/ A shambolic referee farce/ Once upon a time we were leading null-eins/ Now we're driving off in the dark/ Nothing I can say/ A shambolic referee farce
[Instrumental starts. The scene cuts to a zoomed-out shot of Koeman driving the bus, with the players in the back.]
KOEMAN: [spoken] Well, we're out of the Euros. But look at the bright side! At least nobody important was watching!
VAN DIJK: [spoken, sullenly] Actually, my mom was watching.
KOEMAN: Oh. Well, at least your goalkeepers weren't watching!
VAN DIJK: Ali was watching...
KOEMAN: Oh. Then there's no bright side for you, I guess.
[Scene cuts to a split screen. On the left side, the Double Dutch are sitting outside the door of Van Dijk's hotel room, backs leaned against the door. On the other side, Van Dijk is inside his hotel room, slumped against the door with his head in his hands.]
DOUBLE DUTCH: [singing] Turn around, Van Dijk...
VAN DIJK: [singing] Every now and then I fall apart!
DOUBLE DUTCH: Turn around, maatje...
VAN DIJK: Every now and then I fall apart! /He put Xavi on the right
DOUBLE DUTCH: He put Xavi
VAN DIJK: And Memphis was worse than ever/ And if Wout had scored tonight
DOUBLE DUTCH: If he'd scored it
VAN DIJK: We'd have knocked them out forever/ And Southgate got his substitutes right
DOUBLE DUTCH: What a phony
VAN DIJK: And Koeman got his wrong/ I thought that we could take it to the end of the line/ The refs are like a shadow on us all of the time!
DOUBLE DUTCH: All of the time!
VAN DIJK: I don't know what to do, the press is like a shark/ We're living in a powder keg and giving off sparks/ We needed victory tonight/ Our year was gonna start tonight
DOUBLE DUTCH: Our year was gonna start tonight
[The screen shifts so that the focus is entirely on Van Dijk's room. Van Dijk gets up from the doorway and shuffles towards his bed, flopping down on it.]
VAN DIJK: Once upon we were leading null-eins/ Now it's just Van Dijk in the dark/ Nothing I can say/ A total eclipse of the heart. [His phone rings with a WhatsApp notification. Van Dijk clicks on it, reads the message, and smiles ever so slightly.]
VAN DIJK: [reading message] Turn around, bright eyes...
[Scene cuts to highlights from the Colombia-Uruguay game.]
VO: After a dramatic, heated match, Colombia came out on top of Uruguay to get themselves into the Copa America finals! And after the game, some of the players had a special message for the Colombian team...
[Scene cuts to the Colombian locker room. The players are celebrating, but then a knock is heard on the door.]
JAMES: [looks up from where he's doing a keg stand] Who could that be now?
DIAZ: Oh, it's probably Darwin. [Opens the door to see several members of the Brazil national team.] HUH?! What are you guys doing here? I thought you went home!
ALISSON: [picks up guitar] Oh, we just came here to send you a little message.
[The other Brazilians pick up various instruments and begin playing the instrumental intro to "Colors of the Wind" by Judy Khun.]
BENTO: [singing] They think the Argentinians are the icons/ The flawless gods that cannot lose a game
ALISSON: [moves next to Sushi, starts singing] But we know just like every other country/ Argentines, they can sometimes be insane
MARTINELLI: [holds up an iPad and starts scrolling through a PowerPoint titled "Infamous Argentina National Team Moments", singing] Like when Emi Martinez got the trophy/ And did that with the Keepers' Golden Boot!
ALISSON, BENTO, & RAFA: [shouted] It's the Golden Glove!
MARTINELLI: [singing] And if you do not beat them in the finals...
BRAZILIAN PLAYERS: [all singing] You'll face lexicons of impending doom!
JAMES: [spoken] Miercoles.
BRAZILIAN PLAYERS: And they'll never hear your voice cry "Will the end come soon?!"/ When we land you in a queue in Contagem/ We will throw you off of Pico da Neblina/ We will strand you in our forest for your sins/ So remember that the spirits of the greats are watching/ And if you fail, they'll blow you away in the wind
TAFFAREL: [spoken] So do you understand your task, boys?
COLOMBIAN PLAYERS: [gulp and nod]