Work Text:
You never forget your first love.
Feng Xin remembers.
Taizi Dianxia's smile. His long glossy hair pinned up in a high ponytail with a regal golden hairpiece, all beauty and elegance and grace balanced between the edge of a sword and the petal of a flower. The way he would giggle into his sleeve when Feng Xin made him laugh. His eyes, that lovely shade of brown that transformed to molten gold in the light of sunbeams. That sweet fragrance of spring blossoms that always clung to him. How it felt to hold him close.
How it felt to love a prince.
Those halcyon days of their youth, glittering in the sea of Feng Xin's memories like the sun on ocean waves.
How easy it was back then.
How they would train and spar together and somehow Feng Xin would always end up pinned underneath his sword, Dianxia's eyes alight and grin bright. Perhaps it was because Feng Xin wasn't quite as good with a blade yet as he was with a bow. Or perhaps it was because whenever Dianxia would launch that swift feint where he stepped right into Feng Xin's space, their faces barely a cùn apart, Feng Xin always forgot how to breathe. Feng Xin's lungs forgot how to work. And Dianxia would win easily, just like that.
How Dianxia would grab Feng Xin's hand and cajole Feng Xin to come along with him as they snuck out of the palace to see the street streets during festivals. How Feng Xin worried about getting caught but he went along because he wanted to protect Dianxia and because Feng Xin would follow his prince anywhere if his prince so much as asked. How Dianxia would spoil Feng Xin and buy arrows and bows for Feng Xin and stick tanghulu into Feng Xin's mouth, giggling into his sleeve. How he'd take Feng Xin's hand and write wishes on the lanterns together. How he'd lean his head on Feng Xin's shoulder afterwards.
How one day when they were seventeen Dianxia had said, Feng Xin, you're my best friend. I hope we can always be like this, together forever. And Feng Xin had sworn, I will never leave you, Dianxia. I vow to be by your side forever, as long as you will have me. And then Feng Xin blurted out: Dianxia, there's something I need to tell you. And all Dianxia said was, I know.
And they stared into each other's eyes, the world slowing down, time stopping, breaths catching, until neither of them knew who moved first but somehow they were kissing - and his mouth was so soft and his lips like petals and Feng Xin's stomach was fluttering like crazy and Feng Xin's heart danced in his ribs and he held Dianxia's face like he was the most priceless thing that Feng Xin would ever hold.
How they both knew the King wouldn't approve of a mere bodyguard dating his precious royal son so they snuck around the palace and stole kisses in gardens and libraries to avoid being caught, a hundred midnight rendezvouses like this, Dianxia's eyes more luminous than the stars, moon beams painting his hair silver, kissing underneath the stars with the moon as their only witness.
How one day lying under the stars at night wrapped up in each other’s arms, Dianxia had whispered, half a jest, A-Xin, let's run away together. And Feng Xin had been stunned, caught off guard, spluttering What the fuck?
How they had ended up packing their bags anyway and promised to sneak out the next day, only to be caught that night before the sun rose and dragged back to the palace before the livid King.
How Dianxia had passionately defended Feng Xin to the King, more furious and defiant that Feng Xin had ever seen him before, and Feng Xin had been lost in the high colour of Dianxia's cheeks, the passion in his eyes and voice as he said, “Fù wáng, Feng Xin is my lover.” How Feng Xin had tried to beg the King to punish him instead, and Dianxia had insisted that Feng Xin was under no circumstances to be punished, for he had done no wrong, for love could never be a crime, and Dianxia was proud to love Feng Xin.
How father and son had almost fought, until the Queen broke it up and vouched for Feng Xin, whom she'd always adored like a second son. How in the end the King still banished Dianxia to cultivate on Mount Taicang and Feng Xin to join the imperial army, and Dianxia wept, and neither of them could stand it, and that night they really did elope, reuniting underneath the peach blossom tree, escaping the palace under the cover of midnight.
How it was beautiful and perfect for a while, roaming the Kingdom pretending to be an ordinary daozhang and his bodyguard lover, no King to forbid them from one another. Until Xianle fell and Dianxia lost his believers and the news broke of the King and Queen's death. Until Dianxia started cracking and crumbling and falling apart in a hundred small and large ways, shattered by grief and haunted by the spectre of eerie white masks that Feng Xin couldn't see and couldn't protect Dianxia from.
Oh, how Feng Xin's heart broke then. How it felt to love a god who was merely a boy who was was painfully human; who Feng Xin couldn't protect, couldn't save. How he wished more than anything that he could take away Dianxia's pain but no matter what he tried he couldn't, and he didn't know how, and everything was unravelling in slow motion.
How he busked on the streets and worked himself to the bone day and night but none of it worked - they barely had any coin - and Dianxia's state was deteriorating, worse and worse each day, and Feng Xin didn't know what to do. How the kisses turned into arguments, into slammed doors, into Dianxia's ceaseless tormented screams. How Feng Xin would have given Dianxia his own fucking lungs just so Dianxia could breathe and yet all he could do was hold him helplessly -
And still it wasn't enough.
How nothing Feng Xin ever did was enough.
How one day Dianxia didn't come back and then when he finally did he said I don't need you anymore, his face and eyes and voice icier than they had ever been in all the years Feng Xin had known him, devoid of all emotion, and Feng Xin's heart cleaved into two. How he thought Dianxia didn't want him around anymore, finally had no use of him anymore, and so he packed his bags and left.
How he broke down afterwards and lasted three days before he ran back to their cottage - but by then it was too late - Dianxia was gone, gone, gone, slipped away like water through fingers, every single kiss they shared faded to merely the ghost of an echo of a memory.
You never forget your first love.
Feng Xin remembers.
Fucking hell, he remembers.