Chapter Text
April 1998
“It’s time, Moony.” Sirius said, poking his head into their bedroom, flushed cheeks and eyes set alight with a kind of childlike wonder. “She’s in labour now. Nine centimetres. She said she’s happy for us to come. Or not happy I don’t think that kid is in any state of joy right now, but..”
Remus sat up fast, resting the book he was reading on his lap without as much of a care in the world about saving his place within in. Not much point in holding his spot in one world when the real world is awaiting him. The next chapter of his. “What? Now? Are we ready? He’ll be premature will he not? It’s another week until the due date…”
Sirius shook his head furiously. “All good. Doc said nothing is wrong. He’ll be healthy. Just to be quick if we don’t want to miss it.”
He stood up, the book hitting the floor with a gentle thud, sliding away as he kicked it while pacing forward to take Sirius’ face between his palms. “He’s coming, Pads.” Remus sighed happily, tears beginning to form behind his eyes.
Sirius smiled. “Our boy.”
"Our beautiful boy."
Edward ‘Teddy’ Lupin-Black was born at 6:20 on 20th April 1998. Both Sirius and Remus made it to the hospital room just in time to see the birth of their son.
He was a small babe, at 5 pounds 9 ounces. But with two loving fathers, it would be a problem fixed.
A watered seed is one that grows.
But some plants can be stubborn, can they not?
May 2017
“Moons I’m sure Teddy won’t mind if you stay back. You’ll see him in a few hours anyway.” Sirius muttered warily, as Remus rested on the bed. Well, he was severely underestimating the time it would take him to drive to Manchester and back and the time it would take to load the car and grab snacks for the road and probably stop off on the way for lunch too, but if Remus wasn’t well, he couldn’t very well say anything that might put him off staying in bed.
“I’m just a little tired, Pads.” Remus' voice came muffled through the pillow he was burying his face in. “I can sleep in the car and then I’ll be right as rain when we get there. Plus, we barely got a chance to see the place when we dropped him off he was so excited. And his room…”
“You know he’s probably taken down all the stuff in his room already, right? It’ll look just the same as it did when we left him there in September. And I’m sure he’ll be fine with you being home if it means he’ll get a home cooked meal tonight rather than whatever we’ll have to pick up on the way home because there’s no time to cook. Just rest and feel better and if you are up for it make your typical Saturday night curry for us all?” Sirius suggested, voice rising higher in a desperate plea at noticing the blanched stretch of skin of Remus’ face. He certainly wasn’t in a position to move up and down from the car to Teddy’s room, even with a lift. “Just rest, Moons. Please.” Sirius begged.
Remus looked to him, sorrow resting in his eyes. “I hate this.”
“I know.” Sirius nodded slowly. “But you aren’t well. And he wouldn’t want you to tire yourself out just to see him a few hours earlier. He’s home for the whole summer, Moony.”
“Fine.” Remus huffed. Choosing to lace the word with anger to hide his hurt but he could hardly hide anything from Sirius after all this time.
Sirius leaned over the bed and gave him a quick kiss on the cheek, knowing he couldn’t want much more. “I’ll be back soon. We will be back soon.”
He poured a coffee into a cup and slipped into boots, calling out a hasty goodbye as he shut the door on their home. He’d need to fill the car with a drumming beat if he didn’t have Remus chatting away in his ear for the four hour journey, though he supposed having control of the music for the first half of the journey wasn’t the worst thing in the world. No. It was. Remus should’ve been there. He wanted to be there and so should have been.
He had half the thought to call Regulus or James to check in on Remus once he reached the service station marking the halfway point but being an expert in all things Remus Lupin meant he knew for certain if he did that he’d be getting the cold shoulder tonight no matter how many warm smiles were gifted out in response to having their son home for the summer. So he held back that thought, let it simmer instead, and merely sent an update to his husband to let him know his current whereabouts as if he wouldn’t be currently tracking him from bed anyways. A second one sent to his son straight after to let him know the same thing and that it would just be him, though the time in the corner read eight o’clock and if he knew anything about university students it was that unless an early lecture called them up, nothing would get them out of bed before midday. Okay, see you soon. He got back just moments later. A frown was etched across his face as it popped up. You’re up early. He sent back, with mild confusion. Teddy wasn’t exactly the stay-in, go-to-bed-early type at home and well, take away parents from that equation no matter how relaxed they may be, and you’d certainly end up with a wild child. Or not a child anymore. But he was still his kid.
I couldn’t sleep. Was the response that came next and Sirius huffed a laugh to nothing and nobody seeing as he was standing in a fairly empty carpark. That made sense, his kid was the type to go out the night before his father was coming to take him home for the holidays. He supposed ‘I couldn’t sleep’ was a codeword for ‘I haven’t had the chance to sleep yet because I’ve been out all night’. Trust him to be stuck with a hungover kid on move out day. Well, he thought then, at least he’s having his fun.
He tucked his phone back into his pocket and threw himself back into the car, smiling to himself as he drove back out onto the motorway. Bowie on the aux so Remus was there in spirit and he’ll keep those tunes on until, no doubt, Teddy would inevitably start moaning about his dads old fashioned taste on the way back and insist he must take over control and put something modern and god-awful on later. He’d have his feet up on the dash too, and Sirius would tell him off and be the voice of reason for Remus. He’d let Teddy have as much sugar as he wanted though, he’d made sure of that by filling the middle compartment with as many of his favourite sweets as physically possible. Everything was perfect, would be perfect. How could it have not been? Their son was coming home again.
Sirius understood why Teddy picked Manchester of all the places in the country to study in. Loud, large, maybe it stung a little that it was so far and not all that easy to visit but that’s what kids were supposed to do. They were supposed to run away and make something of themselves. They had to set their son free to be whoever he was going to be. He had come home at Christmas raving about it all. Harry merely laughed and said ‘wait until uni becomes university’ but nothing seemed to kill his joy, not even his cousin’s stress over his looming dissertation deadline.
Once he pulled up outside the accommodation building, the carpark was already filled with students and parents and younger siblings running around. Trolleys were scattered about the place, some seemingly discarded and some stacked up with suitcases and boxes with lamps sticking out and duvets falling over the edge. It was mayhem and it was moving out and it was going home.
He sent another text to Teddy to let him know he had arrived, though he didn’t wait around for a reply and took to the lift since there was enough students walking in and out that he could slip in through the doors behind a family without needing a keycard to gain access. He had the route in his mind, knew the floor and the flat number and which door Teddy’s room lay behind. No response came, not right away, and he worried then whether his son had fallen into a slumber after his late night escapades. Then it came through, a brief: coming, sorry needed to clean. And a smile tugged at the corners of his mouth, his face blooming.
The lift he’d stepped into seemed to stop off at every floor between the ground floor and Teddy’s. One. Fuck, he was so excited. How many months had it been? Only four since he jumped on the train after the Christmas break but four months are too long to be away from your kid even if they aren’t a kid anymore. Two. Would he be taller? No, he stopped growing years ago. A silly thought to even cross his mind. The months may have dragged, but only four. That’s two summer holidays, nothing in the grand scheme of things. Three. The doors opened for him this time and he shuffled past the remaining person in the lift, a father too, by the looks of it. Must’ve been on the way up for the second or third time based on a lack of excited energy.
He hurried down the stretch of corridor, wondering how long it would be until Teddy would step out to greet him. Or maybe he’d have to wait outside the flat a little while. Or maybe he missed him and Teddy took the stairs, infuriated by the lift taking too long. Maybe his excitement got him carried away and his son was searching for him in the car park. Oh, never mind. The door was opening.
Oh.
Oh.
Oh, my boy.
What have you done?
Teddy was struggling with a trolley, piled up with boxes and bags as he backed out of his flat. He didn’t spot Sirius right away, facing away. But Sirius saw him. Saw everything. The way the clothes they’d picked out for him just weeks before they dropped him off at the start of the first semester in anticipation for a new beginning hung off of him. His frail frame not hidden even beneath the layers. And when he turned around at the noise of a gentle gasp, Sirius saw a ghost.
A haunt from the past he thought was buried. Gaunt, that was the word that came to mind. Deep set eyes filled with sorrow. Those cheeks once full and pinch-able, oh how Sirius loved to pinch them teasingly when he was young, now sharp and hollow.
Teddy caught his eye, and on noticing the visceral reaction, flinched too. Two ghosts, really. Taken back to years before. How did we get here? “Save the commentary.” Teddy mumbled, lowering his gaze. “I’m sure I’ll hear enough of it from dad.”
Sirius frowned. “Teddy—”
“I don’t want to hear it, okay? This trolley is heavy so can you give me a hand?” He asked, voice with a sharpness to it that it takes claws to Sirius’ heart. “Please?” Teddy added, eyes widening and glossing over.
Sirius snapped out of the trance, shaking his head to rid himself of the memory of, what, six years before? “Yeah, okay.” He replied, stepping forward to grab ahold of the handles to tug it back towards the lift and out of the way. “Give your Pa a hug first though? It’s been a while.”
Teddy rolled his eyes but stepped forwards into Sirius’ cradling embrace. “It hasn’t been that long.” He murmurs into Sirius’ chest. Sirius rested his chin onto his son’s head, still smaller, but now smaller again in all the wrong ways. No, it hasn’t been that long, he thought then. Where did it all go wrong?
“So.” Sirius started to say as they drove out of the city. “How was your night?”
Teddy sat with his knees tucked up to his chest, leaning with his head against the window. Though it snapped up and turned to Sirius as he said this. “My night?”
“You went out, I’m guessing? I take it with the people you are sharing a house with next year, Victoire and the rest? I can’t remember if you’ve told me the others’ names.”
Teddy looked puzzled. “I didn’t go out. What made you think that?”
“Oh.” Sirius paused, lips pursed. “Just that you said you hadn’t slept.”
“Oh, right.” Teddy shrugged. “I just left packing to the last minute I guess.”
Sirius glanced over at him. “Not looking forward to coming home?”
“No, I am. Just been busy that’s all.” Teddy muttered, turning back to stare out the window once more. He reached out then to turn up the volume, just slightly, on the music. Enough of a sign to Sirius that he wasn’t interested in that conversation.
Sirius tapped his fingers nervously against the steering wheel. “So where do you want to stop off for lunch? There’s a service station about an hour away that has a—”
“I had a big breakfast. Thought I’d fuel up. I doubt I’ll be hungry until we’re home.” Teddy interrupted, still staring out but Sirius noted the tips of his ears had began to blush a furious red.
He was lying. And Sirius knew how this went, too. If he said he knew that Teddy was lying it would begin an argument. And no pushing would push the boy into eating. More likely to push him away from that thought, more than anything. A bitter illness, if that was what had returned. A cruel one too. What lived inside his son once more was a rotten thing. A malignant thing.
Time is it’s death, he learnt before and he just had to wait for it to pass. Time is it’s death, he just had to hope it doesn’t take his son with it.
They reached the village they called home before the sun even began to leave the skies. Only one short stop along the way for Sirius to run in and grab himself a sandwich and some fruit he left on the dashboard while Teddy walked to stretch his legs in the hopes it was something he would eat. Not even that, apparently. He’d racked his brains the whole way home from there for what was safe and easy back those years before to just get him to eat but so much had changed and so long had passed so who was to say this had not twisted itself into a different beast?
The lights in the kitchen were turned on as they pulled up: a good sign, Sirius thought. He remembered they were off when he left which means Remus was feeling good enough to have left the bed. Teddy just sat, in the passenger seat, staring at his hands in his lap, no indication that he was in a hurry to go inside.
Sirius sighed and twisted in his seat to face him. “You know, neither me nor your dad will be offended that you like university more than home, Ted.”
Teddy looked up with a curious stare. “What?”
“Uni is fun, we get that. Coming home and having little to do for the summer isn’t going to be all that exciting in comparison.” Sirius explained, fidgeting a little not wanting to get the words wrong. So easy for him to have pushed them both over the edge and into a hole he can’t get out of.
“No, no, I’m happy to be home.” Teddy stated, then he sighed when the severe look on his father’s face didn’t seem to fade away. “I just don’t want to fight.”
“Why would we fight?”
“I saw the look in your eyes. You’re disappointed in me.”
Sirius bit back a whole load of comments on how sad he was to see him like that and oh, how much it hurts, but disappointment and sorrow were as bad as the other for inflicting feelings of guilt. So he held his tongue, chose better words. “Oh, kid. I’m not disappointed. I’m always proud of you. Look at where you are, hey? You’re going to go far, kiddo.”
“Yeah.” Teddy responded, though he didn't sound so sure.
“You need a minute?” Sirius asked.
“Please.”
“Alright, I’ll go tell your Dad you’re home. And not to pounce on you like an overexcited puppy.” Sirius smiled, ruffling Teddy’s grown out blue hair he’d dyed leaning over their guest bath over Christmas. He was so proud of himself when he walked downstairs and pulled the towel off his head, proud for keeping it a secret too - what he was doing while locked away for the two hours up there. Remus had merely laughed and Sirius told him he'd missed a spot.
Teddy huffed a laugh. “That’s only ever been you, Papa.”
“Yeah, you aren’t wrong there.” Sirius grinned as best he could as he opened his door. “Alright kid, see you in there.”
He stalked towards the front door, untying his laces as quick as he could though that was a mission in itself. An attempt to reach wherever Remus was hastily before he came lumbering out in search of Teddy. He didn’t hang his jacket up on the hook, nor bothered to throw his keys into the box like he usually did when entering the house, though he wouldn’t have needed to have done that anyways seeing as Teddy and all the stuff he owned still sat in the car. Just searched the house for Remus.
“Moons?” He called out.
“In here.” He heard from the living room, followed by a shuffling.
Remus met him in the doorway, a brightness on his face. Maybe he’d lost the weariness hanging over him from earlier or maybe it was just joy from his son being home again. Fuck, now he was going to have to tear that down. Sirius winced and found those walls crumpling all too quickly. They’d have to be placed right up again the second Teddy decided he was ready to walk inside but now, he could let them fall. “Moons it’s not good.” He sighed.
Remus tilted his head, befuddlement resting on his face. “What?”
“Please don’t react, he won’t like it. But, he’s sick again, Moony. He isn't eating.”
He's sick
Again
He isn't eating
Sirius and Remus stabbed their forks into pieces of chicken, pouring ash into their mouth with every bite. Sirius doesn't miss how Remus' eyes keep darting to the empty seat. Always empty, he supposed. Or had been since Christmas unless they'd hosted a dinner party or had James and Reg round or the girls. But this time, it shouldn't have been empty. The place was set. A knife and fork on either side of a place mat in anticipation. Remus may as well have hung up a 'welcome home' banner, though lucky he didn't because that would've been harder on the heart to take down than simply putting away some cutlery.
"Should I take him up a plate?" Remus muttered, eyes focused on the dish sat in the centre of the table. It was Euphemia's recipe. Sirius remembered the days the four of them, him and Remus and James and Reg gathered in the kitchen with her and Fleamont each Saturday night before Effie got sick and Remus all but stole the recipe book out of her hand to learn how to make it himself. The tradition continued on, in memory, he supposed. He felt her presence in each bite. What would she say now? A mother's advice is something he longed for in that moment but what could Effie even offer out, lover of food and cooking and dinners round the table each night? Not even she would have known why his son would not eat.
Sirius shook his head, then realised that Remus wasn't even looking at him at all. "No." He replied. "No, he said he was resting." Remus met his gaze and sighed, not believing it. "He didn't sleep last night, so." Oh he's so out of his depth with this still, how long have they been paddling in fatherhood? Nineteen years and still lacking answers... "If he wants something he'll come down. Or we figure out what he will eat and take it up instead. I don't know, Moons."
"Maybe we should call Poppy." Remus suggested, looking at Sirius for a helping hand. "If it's as bad as the last time..."
Sirius dropped his fork to the table. "Poppy is a child therapist, Rem. He's nineteen. We can't do anything anymore, can we? We can't force him to do anything. It has to come from him. He has to ask for the help."
"I don't know what to do." Remus sighed. "He's still a kid. I don't care what the law says. He's still a kid."
He nodded back. "He's our kid. We stick by him. We talk to him. We hope he talks back this time."
"I know he was far away and we haven't seen him but, how did we miss this?" Remus pressed his finger and thumb into his eyes to stop them from watering, pouring out his sorrow.
And Sirius is thrown back six years in the past once more.
How did they miss it?