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“I think we’re good, Shepard.”, she heard Garrus’ voice via the comm as she watched the bluish-black ashes of whatever they had just shot down in the almost forsaken colony of Horizon being taken away by the soft breeze.
“What the hell was that thing?”, she mumbled and looked at Mordin for help, maybe he had an idea, but the salarian just shrugged. However, Garrus was not stumped: “Hell if I know, but we killed it. Shepard and Vakarian, shooting bad guys, in style.”
At this, Claire chuckled softly to herself and her amusement even rose when she heard Mordin clear his throat awkwardly.
“Oh...yeah.”, Garrus then allowed and pointed his thumb at their colleague over his broad shoulder, “Mordin helped a bit, too.”
“Acknowledgement appreciated”, was the grateful answer and Claire was reminded just why she took Garrus and Mordin with her on away-mission. Yeah, they had torn through that floating, bluish-black thing as if it had been wet tissue paper, but their banter was also a damn good reason.
Leaving the fight behind her, she took a deep breath and then looked around, but did not see anyone. Figured, all the colonists were either taken by the Collectors or fled the scene of the fight.
“Let’s see if we can find some of the colonists.”, she told the two men with her and she saw Mordin nod, but Garrus’ blue, scrutinizing gaze lingered longer on her than she liked. Damn it, he knew. She had spoken of colonists, but frankly, she hoped to find Kaidan.
Ever since the Illusive Man had told her that Kaidan was on Horizon, she had hoped to find him, talk to him. True, for her it had only been a few weeks since they had been together, for him it had been two years. But even those few conscious weeks had felt too long for her.
A pang of guilt seized her chest as she thought only about him, hoped to see him, when they had barely managed to drive the Collectors away. There was no telling how many of the colonists they had taken before they had flown off, the gigantic ship quickly vanishing in the haze of the atmosphere above them.
“Don’t let them get away!”, Claire heard an agonised shout, “Half the colony is in there!”
“I know, and I am sorry.”, she said as she took her helmet off and approached the mechanic who had helped them earlier - although Garrus had mumbled to her that the man had hidden like the coward he obviously was. And maybe he was a coward, but right now, she understood his agitation and she apologised: “There was nothing more we could do, we tried.”
Garrus next to her snorted and assured her: “You did more than most people would’ve done, Shepard.”
“Maybe...”, she allowed unhappily, but then she saw the mechanic frown at her, “Shepard? I know that name...”
Well, who didn’t? She was just about to tell him who she was regardless, when someone else did it for her and thereby made her freeze completely.
“Commander Shepard.”, Kaidan said as he went around a crate to join them, “Captain of the Normandy, first human Spectre, Saviour of the Citadel. You’re in the presence of a legend. And a ghost.”
A bright smile made its way on Claire’s lips, relief and happiness swirling inside her so that she momentarily forgot how to speak and when she remembered, all she managed was a breathless: “Kaidan.”
“Shepard.”, he countered with the tiniest of smiles as he stood before her, his brown eyes on her green ones for a long, stretching, wonderful moment before he embraced her tightly. It was awkward with their armour on, but she did not care in the slightest.
“I thought you were dead.”, Kaidan whispered harshly into her ear and Claire shivered as she felt his breath against her cheek, “We all did.”
She was just so relieved that he was still there that it took her a moment to register not only what he had said, but how he had said it. He was angry and Claire did not really know what she had done. So, insecure about what to say, she apologised: “I’m sorry we weren’t here earlier.”
“That’s all?”, he scoffed, “That’s what you have to say?”
Now she was really taken aback. They had tried, had come to Horizon as quickly as the had been able to...
“I thought you were dead.”, he repeated, “I loved you and losing you, it...it tore me apart. Now you show up, after two years and all I get is an “I’m sorry.”? You could have at least let me know that you were alive. Anything!”
“Kaidan, I was not really alive.”, Claire tried to explain even though her heart pounded a mile a minute, “I was clinically dead and it took Cerberus almost two years to...rebuild me.”
She hated talking about it just as much as she hated thinking about it. And when Claire saw Kaidan frown and take a step back, she knew that she had just said the exact wrong thing.
“So it’s true?”, he whispered, his voice barely above an angry growl, “The reports were right, you’re with Cerberus.”
“The reports?”, Garrus echoed next to her and asked, “You already knew?”
“You too, Garrus?”, Kaidan in turn shot at him before he rounded on Claire again, “How could you do that? You know what Cerberus did, we took their Operatives down together! Have you forgotten that? And Akuze?”
“No.”, she firmly stated, wincing as she was forced to remember the Thresher Maw attack she had barely survived, “No, I have definitely not. But Cerberus is willing to do something against the abduction of colonists, against the Collectors and the Reapers, so I’m working with them for now. For now. This does not mean I trust them, on the contrary.”
Kaidan sneered at her: “Or maybe that is just what they want you to think. Maybe they are the ones working with the Collectors and the Reapers.”
Claire slowly shook her head, but before she managed to say something, she heard Mordin’s quiet mumble: “Unlikely. Cerberus involvement always problematic, but abducting human colonists...no, implausible course of action.”
“It is plausible for Cerberus.”, Kaidan insisted and Claire tried to find another argument, but Garrus chimed in, growling just as angrily, “Damn it, Kaidan. You are so hung up on Cerberus that you’re ignoring the facts here.”
“No, you are ignoring the facts.”, he glared at Claire, “We’re talking about Cerberus. How could you join them?”
She thought about reiterating her reasons, decided it would not help and was desperately looking for something else to say, to make him listen, when he shook his head, his voice pure venom: “I don’t even know who you are anymore. How could you? You’ve betrayed everything we stood for, you betrayed the Alliance. You betrayed me.”
Claire found herself unable to speak or even think of words to speak, barely able to breathe. Her vision blurred and she realised that there were tears in her eyes, threatening to spill every moment as she watched Kaidan turn his back on her and leave.
He just left her there.
Claire swallowed thickly and felt herself choking on her tears, on disappointment. So that was what a bullet to the heart felt like.
She blinked heavily and tried to take a breath, a seemingly impossible task, but somehow she drew in a shuddering breath, no more than a poorly concealed sob. She felt more than saw Garrus turn to her, clearly wanting to talk to her, maybe offer some words of comfort, but she cut him off by sharply speaking into her comm: “Joker, send a shuttle for pickup.”
Much quieter, as if in an afterthought, she added: “I’ve had enough of this colony.”
She was actually surprised that she had managed to sound so steady, but she knew her resolve - her façade - was hanging on a thin thread.
“Garrus, search the perimeter, maybe we find something useful no one needs around here.”, she ordered, just to get him away from her. Her best friend in the universe and she did not want to see him, did not want to acknowledge that she had been hurt and that he had seen every second of it. So before he could even think about objecting to that order, Claire dashed off in a random direction to busy herself.
Breathing was still difficult, there were still tears in her eyes she did not seem able to blink away and her skin felt too hot, too tight. But she was Commander Shepard, she could control herself, she had to. At least until she was up in her cabin in the Normandy. There in the solitude and darkness she could give in to the tears, but not a heartbeat sooner.
The wait for the shuttle proved to be an agonising eternity, though, and the ride back to the Normandy would be even worse, she just knew it.
They were barely in the air when Garrus trained his sharp sniper’s eyes on her, probably peeling away all the carefully raised out defensive walls of her pretended resolve and when he stood up, Claire’s instinct was to flee. As she could not escape the confinement of the shuttle, she did the next best thing she could think of: “Mordin, any new insights into your defence against the Seeker Swarms?”
“Numerous.”, Mordin nodded immediately, “Plethora of new data, will have to analyse thoroughly. But preliminary results sufficient to extrapolate...”
He babbled on and normally, Claire would have carefully listened, but right now, she had needed him as a distraction, not for her but Garrus and so she pretended to listen, but did not hear a single syllable he was saying. She was using Mordin and it felt terrible.
When they were finally back aboard the Normandy, she positively dashed out of the shuttle, like an animal driven into a corner and finally given an escape-route. Hers was the elevator. Claire wanted nothing more than to hide and never resurface again, but she had to keep up appearances and so she stepped out into the CIC, to approach the Galaxy map.
“Will run tests, extrapolate from new data.”, Mordin announced, yet Claire ignored him and also Garrus who followed closely behind her, but it was hard much harder to ignore him. From the corner of her eye she saw that her yeoman Kelly wanted to talk to her and was just waiting until she had set their next destination. Knowing that she could not escape the inevitable, Claire tried to decide on their next destination, but she had no idea. Screw it, she then thought and ordered: “Joker, bring us to the Citadel.”
“Uh...yeah. I mean, aye, Commander.”, the pilot stammered, but Claire did not care in the slightest, she could no longer. She had to get away. Now.
“Commander, the Illusive Ma...”, her yeoman began the nanosecond Claire stepped away from the map and she snapped at the girl, “Not now, Kelly!”
So much for keeping up appearances, Claire fumed as she stomped over to the elevator. Poor girl, Kelly had not deserved that, but she was beyond caring as the elevator doors finally opened. Finally a way to safety, relatively at least.
“Don’t even try it, Chambers, it’s just not the right time.”, Garrus told her yeoman, playing her outburst down with his good-natured humour and Claire tried to make a mental note that she would have to get him Turian brandy for having her back even if she was in no shape to lead. However, when Garrus followed her into the elevator, she was of half a mind to scratch the memo for that gift.
He stood next to her, utterly silent, but Claire braced herself all the same. The doors of the elevator slid shut with a quiet hiss and when it began to move, Garrus turned his head to look at her: “Shepard.”
She sighed in defeat, fighting her tears nonetheless. And losing the battle. Not trusting her voice, Claire merely shook her head, hoping he would understand her plea.
Garrus was silent, but when the doors opened to reveal the short corridor to her cabin, all he said was: “See you later.”
Claire exhaled and her shoulders slumped down even against her will. She just had no strength left in her. She did not turn back as she heard the elevator resume its ride and as soon as she had entered her cabin, she sluggishly stripped off her armour, letting the pieces rest where they fell, absolutely contrary to her usual custom. All she wanted was a shower and then to hide in her bed. So her undersuit joined the scattered pieces of armour.
In her shower, she hoped to wash away the grime and the tight feeling in her chest, but without success. Still she forbade herself to cry, took deep breaths to steady herself and when she turned the water off a few minutes later, she was almost somewhat calmer. She dried off, slipped into some fatigues and her shorn hair was dry in no time. Claire was still disappointed, still hurt, but she felt at least somewhat in control again. So when she left her bathroom and saw her terminal blink, she decided to check the messages, just to see if something urgent was there, something that would require them to change their course. She could do that.
When she had opened the terminal, she wished she had not. She saw the message, the sender and opened it, hoping for an explanation. Maybe even an apology. Instead, she read this:
Shepard,
I'm sorry for what I said back on Horizon. I spent two years pulling myself back together after you went down with the Normandy. It took me a long time to get over my guilt for surviving and move on. I'd finally let my friends talk me into going out for drinks with a doctor on the Citadel. Nothing serious, but trying to let myself have a life again, you know?
Then I saw you, and everything pulled hard to port. You were standing in front of me, but you were with Cerberus. I guess I really don't know who either of us is anymore. Do you even remember that night before Ilos? That night meant everything to me... maybe it meant as much to you. But a lot has changed in the last two years and I can't just put that aside.
But please be careful. I've watched too many people close to me die -- on Eden Prime, on Virmire, on Horizon, on the Normandy. I couldn't bear it if I lost you again. If you're still the woman I remember I know you'll find a way to stop these Collector attacks. But Cerberus is too dangerous to be trusted. Watch yourself.
When things settle down a little... maybe... I don't know. Just take care.
--Kaidan
When she had finished the message, Claire read it again, and a third time, and a fourth, hoping against hope that the words would magically change, hoping against better knowledge that he had not written that.
In an instant, anger flared up in her and with it her biotics. Why tell her he had been on a date? Why doubt what their night before Ilos had meant to her?
A tiny voice in the back of her mind, the voice she recognised as reason and logic, told her that he was right, he had waited two years, he had a right to live his life. But still his words, both on Horizon and in this message, felt like bullets to her heart.
Curling into a ball on her chair, Claire hid her face in her hands and that one moment of weakness was all it took; the dam broke. Her tears fell, sobs were wrenched from her throat and she ignored the voice of reason, could not hear it over her own sobs and the raw pain in her mauled heart.
At some point - she had no idea how much time had passed - her tears slowly dried on her face and breathing came a bit easier, albeit still strenuous, but easier and her mind wandered as she slowly calmed down. Yes, he had a right to a normal life, to move on, but he had had no right to shut her down the way he had, not even listening to a word she had said. But the situation was what it was and she had to deal with it. Like always. So she would, like always.
With a deep breath that still sounded too much like a defeated sob, Claire tried to calm down in order to be presentable again, to be able to enter the CIC again without causing a scandal. She was not yet sure she could face the Illusive Man, but she sure as heck did not want to be alone right now.
Exactly then, her door chimed as it opened and she flinched.
“Shepard?”, Garrus asked as he entered the cabin, “You had me a little worried, all holed up here in...”
He stopped dead in his tracks as he spotted her on her chair, still curled into a ball. For a split-second, Claire thought about hiding in the bathroom, but she knew it was already too late for that.
“Shepard, your eyes.”, he mumbled and watched her intently, an expression on his face she knew as confusion by now, even though it was rare, “They’re all red and puffy.”
Well spotted, sniper, she thought sarcastically, and once again debated hiding in her mind. But then Garrus slowly came closer and that intense expression on his face had her look up at him who held her gaze for a long time before he softly asked: “Have you been crying?”
He sounded disbelieving, but at the same time not surprised as if he had already known she had hid here to cry, yet at the same time had not really believed it.
Seeing Kaidan, hearing those accusations from him had thrown her off, though. Claire did not know what to say, so she merely gestured to the holo-screen of her terminal where Kaidan’s messages was still displayed.
Garrus turned his head, easily tall enough to lean over her, all tightened into a ball on her chair, and he read the message in silence. Claire followed the rapid movement of his eyes, saw his turian equivalent to a frown and when he had finished the message, she heard him growl: “What the hell?”
She shrugged awkwardly and clambered out of the chair, squeezing past Garrus who had started to read the message once again. Good, at least she was not the only one who could not believe Kaidan had really sent it.
Claire made her way down the steps and then slumped onto her couch, utterly exhausted, but at least no longer crying.
“Shepard, what the hell?”, Garrus insisted as he rumbled down the stairs and joined her on the couch, “Who does he think he is?”
With a sigh, she ventured a guess: “Someone who’s been hurting for two years because of me.”
“And that makes it alright...how?”, Garrus asked her, his mandibles fidgeting in a way that told her he was agitated, angry. At this she sighed, shrugged and then tried to explain her interpretation: “You heard him on Horizon...”
“Yeah, and he was being an idiot.”, Garrus growled which oddly made Claire smile bitterly, “Thank you for your concern, but I honestly think I can understand him. Somehow.”
“Do enlighten me.”, Garrus asked of her, his voice still barely above a growl, “Because I for my part think he was an absolute idiot down there. He didn’t even listen to you.”
“No, he didn’t.”, Claire mused and shrugged again, unsure whether she could explain her train of thought, “But you heard him. He said he’d loved me and that losing me hurt, so maybe he wasn’t thinking clearly.”
“He definitely was not.”, Garrus muttered, once again making her smile and Claire lowly chuckled to herself before she said, “Well, no use crying over spilt milk. Whatever we had, it’s over. It hurts like hell, but I’ll live.”
And she would, she just needed some time to find her footing again.
Long seconds later, Claire realised that Garrus had been silent and she turned towards him, meeting his scrutinising gaze that was fixed to her eyes, searching them for something, she did not know what, though. He then flinched and stuttered a moment before he voiced his question: “So that’s all it takes?”
“What do you mean?”, Claire frowned and in reply, Garrus shrugged, a gesture she had used so often he had just picked it up from her on the go, “He was being an idiot, he hurt you and you...just forgive him? No questions asked?”
“This time.”, Claire firmly stated, “He did a poor job of explaining himself, but I get it, losing me hurt too much, so he lashed out and he just so happened to hit me with it. Okay, he’ll get away with it this once, but next time he better had an explanation ready. He only gets one use for this kind of “Get out of jail, free”-card.”
Garrus’ mandibles flared, his brow plates shifted towards his fringe and Claire heard him click his tongue, making up an expression she had not yet seen in this intensity, but that was clearly confusion. Had he been human, his eyebrows would have almost jumped off his face.
The thought made her smile to herself and he looked away, his mandibles twitching as he was obviously abashed, so Claire asked him kindly, but still grinning: “What is it, Garrus?”
“Shepard...”, he drawled, glancing at her, “What, by the Spirits, is a “Get out of jail, free”-card?”
Claire almost doubled over from laughter and when she thought she had calmed down, she looked at Garrus, only to burst out laughing once again. When she looked up a second time, she saw his mandibles twitching, then clamping against his jaw, a look on his face she had learned to interpret as both embarrassment and anger. A human would have probably glared and pouted.
Again the thought made her smile and she explained: “It’s from an old game on Earth, but it has made its way into colloquial speech. Basically, having a “Get out of jail, free”-card means that you have an excuse for something stupid you did and no questions are asked. It’s a free pass.”
“Hmm.”, Garrus hummed, then glanced at her with a glint in his eyes that always preceded a joke, “You humans are strange folks.”
“At least we’re not spiky and ugly.”, Claire countered, but Garrus shot back, “No, you’re squishy and ugly.”
They laughed together at their ongoing joke and Claire felt a lot better already. Yeah, she was still hurt and disappointed, but maybe she was better off the way she was now, with Garrus as her best friend in the galaxy. As Kaidan had reacted the way he had, would she really want to depend on him? No, she decided, she did not. She really was better off with Garrus who had always had her back from the day they had met. It was not the first time she thought about his loyalty and how glad she was to have him at her side, but for the first time the thought felt...different. Deeper, even more important.
Claire was taken aback, unsure what exactly she was thinking and glanced at him, only to find Garrus was already looking at her. He quickly, almost bashfully looked away and seemingly studied the headboard of her bed with the utmost scrutiny when suddenly he broke the silence between them, his voice soft and light, but the lightness was forced, strained and barely hiding something else: “So, a “Get out of jail, free”-card. Alright. At least now I have an excuse for the stupid Archangel-business I did on Omega.”
Claire frowned, her heart beating a mile a minute as if it already knew something her brain had not yet registered and she could only stare at her friend who slowly turned his head towards her.
“When I...lost you, I did not know what to do.”, Garrus lowly spoke, his voice only a whisper but vibrating through her, “I mourned you, but I could not get over you, I didn’t know how to keep going. And then it all fell apart and I was alone again, stranded in C-Sec without any means to do anything that mattered. So I... I guess I tried to keep your legacy alive, to live by the rules you had taught me, to actively help people, to make a real difference. The only way I found was what I did on Omega.”
Claire was frozen in place. Was he really saying...?
Garrus took a deep breath, but stayed silent for so long that Claire flinched when he spoke again: “Losing you...hurt too much, so I lashed out.”
Stunned by his words, she simply sat there, watching him as he turned his gaze to the floor and mumbled with bitter amusement in his voice: “But at least I had sense enough to actually hit some of the bad guys, not the woman I love.”
At this Claire’s jaw dropped. He had not really just said that?
She could not believe it.
“Garrus...?”, she barely managed to ask, not quite whispering, but it nevertheless made him wince as if she had fired a shot next to his ear.
“Spirits, Shepard.”, he then groaned and quickly retreated, brought as much distance between them as he possibly could without dashing off the couch, “I didn’t mean, I... It slipped out. I shouldn’t have, not like that...”
“Garrus.”, she firmly said and it got his attention, he fell silent and stared at her, much like a rabbit sitting in front of the snake. He looked nothing like the predator he actually was.
“Garrus, did you... do you mean it?”
“Every word.”, he nodded and relaxed the tiniest bit, but tensed up again when Claire asked: “All this time, since back on the original Normandy?”
He merely nodded and Claire sighed in disbelief: “Why didn’t you say anything before?”
“Imagine my confusion.”, he chuckled bashfully, “I was attracted to a human, which is quite unheard of for a turian. I know I said myself that I’m a bad turian, but having a thing for a human, and, to top it all of, your commander?”
He shook his head, but there was a smile in his voice and it made Claire smile at him in return, but it fell when he added: “By the time I had figured it out and had scraped together the courage to speak up, Kaidan was already in the picture. So I didn’t mean to make things even more complicated than they already were.”
Claire sighed unhappily and supported her head in her hands. This was so screwed up.
“Knowing what I know now, though.”, she heard Garrus mumble and realised he was leaning a bit closer than before, “I wish I had said something back then. Might have spared us both a world of pain.”
“Maybe.”, Claire nodded and looked at him, seeing him smile at her and when she returned it, Garrus raised his hand, reaching for hers. Now she was the one to withdraw and she saw pain flicker over his face, then he retreated once again, stumbling over his words: “I am sorry, Shepard, I shouldn’t have... I should not have said anything, it is clear that you don’t...”
“You misunderstand.”, Claire quickly said once she realised he thought she had rejected him. Nothing was further from the truth.
He blinked at her, mandibles twitching in confusion and, yes, hope, but she sighed heavily: “Gaurrs, you’re the best friend I ever had and maybe, no surely, you are even more to me, but I just don’t want you to feel like I was using you to get over Kaidan. You’re not a consolation prize, Garrus, you deserve much, much better.”
“What could be better than you?”, he joked and Claire smiled, flattered, but once again she sighed and Garrus nodded, “Sorry for the joke. But don’t worry, I know you, Shepard, you don’t do things half-arsed. It’s all or nothing with you, a trait I admire, I might add.”
Now she was chuckling again and shaking her head, but then she grew serious and told him: “Thank you, for everything. From the day we met you had my back and when you saw me again after those two years, you joined me again, you listened. You were concerned about Cerberus, but you listened.”
“I’m still concerned about them.”, Garrus darkly said, but added more softly, “And I’m always worried about you. But someone needs to do something to save the galaxy’s ass if they don’t do it themselves, as per usual. So it has to be you and I’ll be damned if I’m not here with you right in the thick of it.”
“Thank you.”, she repeated and Garrus nodded, reaching for her hand again which she did not withdraw this time. He gave her a gentle, anchoring squeeze that felt alien, but oh so good and she returned it as he said: “Take your time, Shepard. I’ve waited two years thinking you were dead and I didn’t stray from you. I can wait a few days more knowing you’re alive and well next to me.”
She smiled happily, giving his hand a squeeze as Garrus added: “And I’ll make damn sure we both stay alive.”
At this she laughed openly and Garrus nodded, obviously pleased with his efforts to cheer her up, then he said: “I’ll leave you alone now so you can figure things out. And if you need a punching bag to blow off some steam, you know where to find me for some sparring.”
“Actually...”, Claire said and he immediately turned back to her, all his attention on her, “I could use a hug.”
Garrus blinked at her and she quickly back-pedaled: “I don’t want to pressure you into anything, Garrus, sorry, I’m...”
“Come here, Shepard.”, he merely said as he scooted closer to her, opening his arms for her. Claire grinned and then, out of a whim, asked him: “Do turians cuddle?”
“Not the way you humans do it, I’m sure.”, Garrus shrugged, “But we’ve overcome a Geth invasion, a rogue Spectre and we are kicking Collector-ass. I have full confidence that we’ll make human-turian cuddling work, somehow, Shepard.”
She chuckled and sat next to him, asking him: “Could you use my name, just when we’re alone?”
“Come here, Claire.”, was his answer and she loved the way her name sounded in his voice, making her smile as she sunk against his keelbone, still armoured. It was a little awkward as he put his right arm around her, but it felt right. Claire sighed contentedly and closed her eyes, taking heart from the knowledge that he was there, had always been there for her.
“So, Claire, how often do I get to use that “Get out of jail, free”-card, exactly?”