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Double checking the message Heeseung last sent, Jungwon confirmed there were only a handful of minutes left before the older boy was due at his door. He gave his room another cursory glance before deeming it clean and then headed downstairs to the kitchen where his mother was busy cutting up fruit.
“Mom, I thought I told you I’d be taking care of the snacks.”
“You did, but I worried all you had planned were chips and cookies.” Damn, she knew him too well. “Besides, you’ll be going off to college in a few months and I won’t have anyone to do this for anymore.” Her melodramatic comment went paired with an over-the-top pout.
Jungwon knew his mother meant well so he surrendered snack duty over to her, choosing to busy himself by the front window. No sign of Heeseung’s decade old Ford Focus in the driveway yet. Heeseung had let him know that he would spend some time catching up with his family before heading to Jungwon's, but he was impatient. He’d already gone a whole five months without him! Why was he making him wait longer?
Truthfully, five months wasn’t exactly a long time, but when Jungwon was so used to having Heeseung around, it felt like an eternity. They’d already gone through this three years ago, when Heeseung first left for college. Back then, the older boy was making it a point to come back at least once every month to appease Jungwon, holidays included. He rang in this recent new year with him, but after that, Heeseung grew too busy to make time to visit like he normally would.
Sure he called when he could and they regularly texted, but it wouldn’t ever be the same as having him here in person. He missed the days where they walked together to school, talking aimlessly about anything and everything under the sun.
Lost down memory lane, he almost missed the car pulling up in his driveway, coming to when the car door was slammed closed. Heeseung caught his eye through the window and waved, Jungwon tripping over his feet to the front door.
“You’re here!” he shouted, bouncing off the front step to crash straight into unsuspecting arms. He was lucky Heeseung had fast reflexes or the two would have ended up as spots on the pavement.
The older boy made a winded sound as he caught Jungwon around the waist, chuckling moments after. “Someone’s excited to see me.”
“Shut up,” Jungwon whined, “I know you missed me, too.”
Heeseung’s arms wrapped further around him, enveloping him completely against his chest. “Yeah, I did.”
“Jungwon? Is that Heeseung?” His mother popped her head out of the kitchen, spotting the two all cozied up by the door. “So nice to see you, dear.”
“Likewise, Mrs. Yang.” Heeseung didn’t let go. “How are you?”
They made small talk with Jungwon still hugging Heeseung and maybe Jungwon should be embarrassed by how clingy he was being, but he didn’t care. He’d missed this. Missed the smell of Heeseung’s body wash, the way he fit so perfectly under Heeseung’s chin. Missed him.
“Are you hungry? I cut up some fruit for you guys.” His mother was saying.
“Sure.” There were taps on his back. “C’mon, we can cuddle later.” Heeseung whispered. Jungwon let him go.
More conversation was had at the table while they ate—mainly Heeseung—Jungwon having to share Heeseung a while longer. He tried hard not to glance at the clock too often because seeing how slow the minutes were going only made it worse. Finally, his mother sent them on their way, saying they had lots to catch up on. Heeseung barely managed a goodbye as Jungwon hauled him to his room.
He shoved Heeseung inside and shut the door. “You’ve got a lot of explaining to do.”
“Oh?” Heeseung raised an eyebrow at him, amused.
“Not one visit this semester? You just left your best friend hung out to dry?!” Jungwon crossed his arms in front of him, angry.
Heeseung had the audacity to laugh. “It was only a few months, Won.”
“A few months too many!”
Eighteen and still throwing tantrums. Lucky for him, Heeseung was more endeared than annoyed, grabbing Jungwon by the arm to drag him down on the bed with him. Jungwon went easily.
“I believe I was promised cuddles,” Heeseung murmured, speaking into the nonexistent space between them.
He was lying on his side, Jungwon doing the same so they were facing each other. This close, Jungwon could count the individual lashes of Heeseung’s closed eyes. He could feel every exhale his best friend made against his chin, short little bursts that gave way to how calm Heeseung felt there in Jungwon’s bed. He would probably sleep if Jungwon let him, but there were too many things still to discuss.
“You dyed your hair.” said Jungwon, running a careful hand through his now coppery locks.
Heeseung’s eyes blinked open, taking in their proximity and doing nothing to change it. “Jake said it would look good.”
“Jake?” For years, the two shared friends. Everyone that Heeseung knew, Jungwoon knew.
“My roommate,” Heeseung clarified.
Including roommates. Jungwon had met Jay, Heeseung’s freshman roommate. The year after was Sunghoon. Jake must be this years’. Although. Jungwon didn't recall Heeseung mentioning him at the start of the year the way he did the others.
“Did Jake also dye his hair?”
“Mushroom blonde,” Heeseong snorted, “He looked like Kaneki Ken.”
The fond tone his words carried sent Jungwon’s insides twisting painfully. He shouldn’t be jealous of Jake. Not when Heeseung was currently in his bed, the two practically tangled together.
Jungwon asked him more questions, deviating as far as he possibly could from the topics of roommates, asking Heeseung about his classes and his part-time job. In turn, Heeseung asked him about graduation since his finals had landed on the week of Jungwon’s final days of high school.
“And Riki? I think the last time I saw him was…summer of last year?” recalled Heeseung.
“Annoying as usual. He's since sprung up too. He's even taller than Sunoo now.”
“I'll bet he gets a real kick out of that.” Heeseung laughed.
“Not a day goes by without his teasing. I don’t know how he plans to weasel his way into Sunoo’s heart when he acts like that.” Jungwon abruptly stopped talking. But it was already too late.
Heeseung’s eyes shot open as he sat up on the bed, inadvertently dragging Jungwon up with him because of the way they were connected. “Riki likes Sunoo?!” he shouted.
“Please don’t tell him I told you! I was sworn to secrecy.” Jungwon wailed, falling forward as the guilt weighed heavily from accidentally letting the cat out of the bag. He could feel the older boy’s laughter where his forehead touched Heeseung’s chest.
“It's sweet, really. You think he stands a chance?” Jungwon gave a forlorn shake with his head. It would break Riki’s heart if he ever found out; Sunoo was crushing hard on Sunghoon. “That's too bad. But I guess that’s why they call them crushes.”
“Do all crushes end in heartbreak?” Jungwon bemoaned.
“Not always.” Spoken like someone with experience.
“And what do you know about heartbreak?” Said in good fun. Said to rib the older boy. But when Heeseung remained unusually silent, Jungwon got suspicious. “Heeseung?”
“Hm?”
“Have you had your heart broken?”
“W-what? No. I m-mean, not really.” His stuttering wasn’t doing him any favors.
Jungwon shoved into his best friend. “You had a boyfriend?!”
“No I—it wasn’t—we weren’t—”
“So there was a ‘we?’” Jungwon laughed. “You don’t have to be so shy about it.”
They told each other everything. At least, Jungwon thought they did. Yet Heeseung having never mentioned Jake before nor this mysterious boyfriend made Jungwon wonder just how much his best friend was hiding.
“Is this why you didn’t come home this semester? You were too busy entertaining a new fling.” While the words were said with a smile, on the inside, his stomach was twisting and turning with betrayal. Heeseung was his best friend. They’d grown up together. One new boyfriend shouldn’t have been enough to blow him off and yet.
“What nonsense are you making up?” Heeseung scolded, thumping the back of Jungwon’s head. Not enough to hurt, but Jungwon rubbed the spot anyway. “I was just… busy.”
“Busy?” Jungwon countered, skeptical. “So busy you couldn’t spare one weekend for your best friend?” Hurt laced his words and he knew Heeseung could hear it.
The smile on the older boy’s face made Jungwon’s pout deepen, but soon enough he was wrapped up in Heeseung’s arms again. “I’m sorry, Won. Truly. For being absent for so long. I’ll make it up to you this summer.”
“You better keep your promise,” Jungwon mumbled into his shirt. Heeseung chuckled, holding him tighter.
He was really glad Heeseung was back.
Hours later, they were still holed up in Jungwon’s room. Still tangled together with Heeseung laying back against the headboard and Jungwon’s back pressed to Heeseung’s chest. Jungwon was mindlessly playing with Heeseung’s fingers as the older boy chattered away. He wasn’t really paying attention, mind having gone back to their earlier conversation.
“Does that mean you’ve had your first kiss?” Jungwon unceremoniously intoned, cutting off whatever story Heeseung was in the middle of.
“What?”
He bent his head at an odd angle to face Heeseung, expectant. “Have. You. Had. Your. First. Kiss?” Each word said nice and slow since the older boy was having trouble with his comprehension.
“No.” Heeseung replied. The longer Jungwon stared, the darker he turned, wine-red by this point. “Would you quit staring?”
“You really haven’t?”
“Have you?” Heeseung turned on him.
Jungwon went back to facing forward, awkwardly hanging his head when the question was directed back at him. “No…”
“Who’s acting shy now?” His laughter tapered out, leaving the room still. Jungwon bent his head again.
“What?” he questioned when he saw the pensive face his best friend was making. “What are you thinking?”
“Do you remember my 12th birthday party?”
Being the older of the two, Heeseung entered middle school long before Jungwon would, the poor young boy upset that his best friend wouldn’t be able to play with him at recess like he used to. But Heeseung still walked him to school and they still spent plenty of time over at each other’s houses, so it wasn’t too bad.
Then came time for Heeseung’s birthday party. The long-standing guest list had always been Jungwon and his family. That changed the year of Heeseung’s 12th birthday.
“There are some friends I really want you to meet.” Heeseung said, excited.
And while Jungwon wasn’t too thrilled about having to share his best friend, he decided he could put up with it since it was Heeseung’s special day.
On the day of the party, Jungwon was bouncing on the balls of his feet as waited for Heeseung to return with his friends. He was nervous as much as he was giddy, hovering by the couch as Heeseung went to grab his friends from outside. Apparently they’d all arrived together.
The sliding door was shoved open, multiple pairs of feet stomping their way toward the living room, toward Jungwon. He put on a smile as the mystery friends appeared one by one, remembering what his parents taught him about manners.
“Who’s the kid?” one of them said, giving the younger boy a disapproving onceover. Jungwon’s smile fell.
“Guys, this is Jungwon! My best friend.”
“You’re best friend is an elementary schooler?” someone else said, disbelief written all over their face.
“What’s it matter if Jungwon’s in elementary school? He’s my friend.” Heeseung stood up for him. And if that wasn’t the coolest thing eight-year-old Jungwon had ever seen.
“Whatever,” the first one scoffed. “You have the new Playstation 4, right?”
These new friends of his were easily entertained by the new gaming console Heeseung had gotten on his actual birthday a few days before. They argued over turns and pestered the ones playing to make them lose easier. Jungwon didn’t really find it very fun.
Finally, after what felt like forever, they grew bored of their own bickering and one of them announced they would play a different game. Instantly, Jungwon perked up.
“Is it freeze tag? I’m really good at that one.” Jungwon beamed.
“No,” the older boy sneered, “that game’s for babies.” Jungwon shrunk in on himself. “Let’s play truth or dare!”
All the other boys were up to the challenge, already shifting around to sit in a circle. Jungwon, having already felt ostracized, didn’t join the other boys. He sat on the couch to avoid any more of their snarky remarks. Heeseung got dragged down with the others, casting a worried glance at his best friend.
“Birthday boy first! Truth or dare?”
“Um, truth?”
“Lame!” one of them called.
“Guys, wait,” one of them piped up. “I’ve got a question.” He leaned in closer, looking like he was going to whisper before he very loudly asked, “Do you have a crush on Yuna?”
The rowdy boys burst into hysterics, laughter and comments flying around the room as Heeseung struggled to answer. "I've seen the two of you together." someone else said.
"Because we're friends!" Heeseung defended
"Just friends? You don't want to be more than friends?"
"More than friends?"
"Yeah, my brother said that when a guy hangs out a lot with a girl, it's because they want them to be their girlfriend."
"Isn't she already my girl friend?"
"No, like girlfriend. He says that you kiss your girlfriend."
"You wanna kiss Yuna!" One of the boys shrieked.
"No!" Heeseung argued. "I don't want to-to do that." He stumbled over his words.
"You gotta do it sometime." The boy kept up. "First one is the hardest."
That conversation didn't last very long when one of the boys started yelling about how gross that was and how only losers kissed girls. (Give it a few years. Poor sucker might change his mind.)
Jungwon was glad when they left a few hours later, getting Heeeung all too himself for the rest of the night as their traditional birthday sleepover began. He got himself comfortable on Heeseung's recently swapped bed since he'd grown out of his old one. This one could probably fit four Jungwons.
The light from the hall was switched off and in walked Heeseung a second later. "Sorry about my friends earlier. They usually aren't such—"
"Bullies?" Jungwon supplied.
"I was going to say jerks, but that works too." He slipped under the covers alongside Jungwon. "I don't think I should call them friends after today."
There was something about Heeseung being so righteous that Jungwon truly admired. His parents raised him with outstanding virtues. Always wanting to do the right thing.
"You don't have to lose them because of me," Jungwon whispered. As awful as they may be, they kept the boy company when Jungwon couldn't.
"I'm better off. They're the ones missing out. No friend of mine will ever be treated with disrespect."
Jungwon snaked his arms around his best friend and huddled in close. He could fall asleep just like that, but there was something Jungwon needed to ask him.
"Hee?"
"Hm?"
"Is kissing really that hard?" Jungwon could feel the way Heeseung's heart stuttered in his chest.
"You're too young to be thinking about that."
Jungwon pouted. "I was just thinking...if it really is hard, we should be each other's first kiss."
"You have to grow up first, okay?"
"How much?"
Heeseung took a moment to think about it. "When you're college age."
"That's so far!" Jungwon whined. "High school."
"After high school."
"After high school, before college?" Jungwon tried.
"Sure, Jungwon. Whatever you want."
Jungwon was almost certain that the only reason Heeseung agreed was to get him to stop talking. But he did think about it every now and again. Reminded of it now with Heeseung bringing it up.
"Are you thinking what I'm thinking?" Heeseung teased.
"Desperate enough to kiss your best friend? I thought you were better than that, Hee." That earned him a smack on the back of the head. "Ow!"
"It was your idea to begin with!"
"I was eight!"
"Well, you're not eight now..."
Said in such an unusual tone, Jungwon had to leave the comfort of Heeseung arms to face him. He wouldn't meet his eyes, awkward for the first time in the many years Jungwon had known him.
"Are you saying you want to kiss me?" Heeseung finally looked at him.
"It doesn't have to be a big deal. Think of it as a right of passage we're taking on together."
When Heeseung put it like that... It wouldn't be so bad to just get it over with. Heeseung wouldn't fault him for being bad, they were both inexperienced. But kissing his best friend felt a little—
"Won't it be weird?"
"No, I don't think so." If Heeseung could say that with certainty then Jungwon should at least try.
"Let's do it."
"Yeah?" Jungwon nodded.
"Why not. Like you said, we're taking it on together."
He scooted forward on the bed, arms flailing, not knowing what to do with them. Heeseung took his hands and rested them on his knees, putting them closer in a way Jungwon wasn't familiar with. It felt like the temperature in the room rose a hundred degrees.
"Lean closer." Heeseung instructed and Jungwon complied easily, folding his body forward, putting him only inches away from Heeseung. He could feel each breath as the older boy exhaled, beginning to copy his breathing pattern just to have something to do. His heartrate was spiking the longer they sat there staring at each other.
Slowly, Heeseung moved in closer, eyes searching Jungwon's, as if for further permission. Like it hadn't already been granted. Jungwon pushed up with what little leverage he could and closed his eyes. He started a countdown in his head. Three, two, one...
"Jungwon." And just like that, it was over. He blinked his eyes open. "Um, how was it?" Heeseung asked.
He bit his lip and Jungwon's gaze was immediately drawn to it. He couldn't believe mere seconds ago their lips had touched. Briefly, but they'd touched. "Jungwon?"
"Yeah, it was, um, it was okay, I think."
"You think?" Heeseung chuckled.
"I mean, it was like a second long."
"Should we," Heeseung grew serious again, "try again. Longer this time?"
Oh. He wanted to. Again. "Longer." Jungwon echoed, reeling from the fact that Heeseung wanted to go again. It doesn't have to be a big deal, he'd said. No biggie. No pressure. Once more. "Yeah, for sure."
It was cringey to say, but it got a laugh from Heeseung and the sound of it calmed some of his nerves. Since when was he nervous around Heeseung? He startled when he felt a hand behind his neck. "Sorry, I wanted to try something." Heeseung's fingers played with the hair on Jungwon's nape. It eased the tension further and Jungwon practically became boneless as Heeseung kept it up. His head would have sunk further if Heeseung hadn't raised a gentle finger under his chin. In no time at all, Heeseung was reconnecting their lips.
This time around, Jungwon focused on the feeling of their mouths meeting. Cushioned pressure where they touched. Fragile. Innocent. It didn't feel revolutionary, but it also didn't feel unpleasant. Jungwon sucked in harshly from the lack of air and pulled away. Minutely. He could press his lips back to Heeseung's if he wanted to. And he did. Again. And again. And again.
Until they were kissing more like the dramas Jungwon grew up watching. Heads tilting and lips parting, no tongue. PG-13. It might have gone on for longer if the sound of a door closing somewhere in the house didn't startle them apart. Jungwon was panting when they broke apart, lips all tingly and heart still racing. Heeseung didn't look any better, but he adjusted easier by sitting up, jostling Jungwon in the process. They were no longer touching.
"I can sleepover, right?"
"Of course, since when do you have to ask?"
Heeseung just shook his head. Jungwon wondered what he was thinking. He got up from the bed and went straight to the wardrobe. This may be Jungwon's room, but Heeseung's clothes were just as much a part of it as his own. Shirts and pants Jungwon had unintentionally stolen or Heeseung himself had left. He grabbed them now and made his way to the door.
"I'll get ready first, if you don't mind."
"Go for it."
Once alone, Jungwon fell back on the bed. That was something.
The first thing they did with Heeseung back in town was visit the mall food court. Sunoo and Riki had already claimed a table, trays of food already amassed like they were feeding an army, not just four teenage boys. Three, actually. Jungwon always forgot how much older his best friend was since he acted just like them. Having fun and being nearly too loud for a public space. Riki always got him going and today was no exception. It almost felt like old times, like no years had passed since Heeseung last sat with them. Freshman year all over again.
"What's up with you and Heeseung?" Sunoo questioned once they broke into pairs.
It was usually Jungwon and Heeseung who stuck together as they walked the mall, but Jungwon didn't feel like putting up a fight when Riki practically dragged Heeseung off in the direction of the Lego store.
"What do you mean?" Jungwon played dumb.
"Don't give me that crap, I'm very observant, you know." Yeah, so observant that he had yet to realize one of his best friends was totally in love with him. But Jungwon wasn't going to say all that.
"There's nothing up with us. We're the same as we always are." Sunoo shook his head.
"Uh-uh. Something's there. I just know it."
Jungwon rolled his eyes. "You're making up drama for fun."
"I would never!"
Truthfully, Jungwon had felt a little push back from Heeseung that morning. Everything had been fine the night before, the two even cuddling like the whole kissing thing hadn't happened. But when Jungwon woke up, Heeseung was already gone, a text on his phone saying he'd gone back to his place for breakfast. Jungwon could excuse it as him being away from home, missing his mom's cooking, but it wasn't like Heeseung to even wake up early. He tried not to think to hard about it with one less place setting at the table, but it did bug him since Heeseung had promised to make up for their lost time over the summer yet he was already gone again. He was almost worried his best friend would back out of their afternoon plans, but was relieved to see a text from Heeseung letting him know he'd be over in ten to pick him up.
They drove to the mall in amicable silence, except it felt off to Jungwon. Like there was a charged air in the car that he couldn't quite place. And now, they weren't walking side by side like they should be. Instead, he was standing off to the side with Sunoo as he told him about the recent text conversation he had with Sunghoon while Riki begged Heeseung to buy him a new set with his adult money. It shouldn't anger Jungwon as much as it did, but he was irked, arms coming up to cross at his chest as Heeseung eventually caved, handing over his card to the perky cashier. Riki kept thanking him, squeezing Heeseung's side even though he usually didn't care to be affectionate in that way.
The two joined them a moment later.
"Look what Heeseung bought me!"
"You are such kid." Sunoo taunted. Riki pouted at him.
"Hey, those things are hard to build. Give the kid some credit." Heeseung jabbed.
"Not you too," whined Riki. His frown only lasted another minute before he caught sight of something behind them. "Oh, Sunoo, there's a sale at your favorite store."
"Sale? Let me go look."
"I'll go with you." Riki volunteered.
"That's really not necessary."
"I'll carry your bags."
"Well, if you insist."
Their words trailed off as they get further away. Jungwon felt a nudge on his shoulder.
"Wanna go with them?" asked Heeseung.
"Not really. Sunoo could take hours in there."
"Wanna walk?"
Walking with Heeseung after so long felt nice. They used to come to the mall after school and take hours just to walk, talk, window shop. Now Jungwon was lucky if his best friend even came back into town. "How are Jay and Sunghoon?"
"Annoying." Heeseung responded immediately. "All Jay talks about these days is investing and Sunghoon hasn't stopped pestering me about joining him at the gym."
"It wouldn't kill you to run on a treadmill."
"Excuse me?! I'm pretty sure I could outrun you."
"I'd like to see you try." And with that, Jungwon took off running.
He wasn't sixteen anymore, but that didn't stop him from breaking into a full blown sprint to beat Heeseung. He had a head start since Heeseung wasn't expecting to be challenged to a race. But even with the advantage, Heeseung had already caught up to him, sly smile as he took the lead. Jungwon used every last bit of energy he had to hasten his pace. He blamed it on his shorter legs. Heeseung might not be a track star, but he had mile-long-legs on his side. "No fair!" he cried. "Your long legs are helping you cheat."
"Cheat? Oh now you're just insulting me."
He slowed down, barely breathing hard while Jungwon had to catch his breath.
"And yet somehow I'm the old one."
"Shut up."
"I'll be right back."
Thinking his best friend was just going to the bathroom, he took all the time he could to compose himself, slouched over as he fought to breathe. When he straightened, Heeseung was in front of him again, holding out a water bottle. "Drink up."
Accepting the bottle, Jungwon guzzled nearly half with how thirsty he was. He wiped what spilled over in his haste with the back of his hand. He glanced over at Heeseung who was pretty much doing the same. His Adam's apple bobbed as he chugged the water, Jungwon weirdly fascinated with the movement. It wasn't something he often noticed, if at all. But right now, it was oddly satisfying to watch, eyes traveling up to study more of him.
He'd seen Heeseung's face plenty over the years, yet it was only now that he was noticing things he hadn't bothered with before. Like the way his smile revealed two rows of perfectly straight teeth. (A given since he'd had braces all throughout middle school.) Or the way his eyes, usually big and round, pinched together as he smiled, two happy little crescent moons nestled above his cheeks. His nose scrunched up too and it reminded Jungwon of his fourth grade class pet, a brown furred bunny he used to obsess over.
"You okay?" said Heeseung, drawing Jungwon out of his wayward thoughts.
"Yeah. Yeah, I'm good." His phone started vibrating in his pocket. "It's Sunoo. He's probably wondering where we are."
They tread back the way they came. Jungwon got the sense that, if Sunoo hadn't called, he'd have been one wrong move from doing something he might regret.
Besides mall food courts, Jungwon spent a lot of time at the park with Maeumi, his Maltese puppy. He'd rescued him his junior year of high school, cradling the puppy in his arms and begging his mother to keep him. She said it was fine as long as he took responsibility for him and Jungwon was more than happy to make it work. Sometimes it felt like the dumbest thing he ever did—balancing school life with a puppy was hard—but on the days Maeumi fit himself into his lap, he couldn't be happier with his choice.
Plus he made for a great listener when Jungwon didn't know who to talk to.
"I kissed Heeseung." It was like a weight was lifted off his chest as he spoke the words. "I kissed my best friend."
He did a double take, assuring they were alone on the bench he'd chosen and then released a long suffering sigh. The first of many more to come he was sure.
Five days. Officially, five days had passed since it happened and those five days had been quite the roller-coaster for Jungwon to navigate. First two days—acting like nothing had changed. Playing out the same roles they've had since forever. Best friends. Then, after the mall, Jungwon tried to arrange a time to meet with Heeseung again. However, Heeseung told him he'd get back to him as to when he was free. On day three.
It was day five.
Jungwon spent those days staring forlornly at his phone, waiting for Heeseung's message. This was so unlike him. It felt like he'd gone back in time to earlier this year. When Heeseung kept dodging the question of when he'd be home. Doubts started creeping in, wondering if there was still something his best friend wasn't telling hm. If it had anything to do with that mysterious boyfriend.
"Thought I'd find you here." A voice said in the distance.
Jungwon whipped around to see Heeseung. "What are you doing here?"
"I wanted to see my best friend." He bent down near Jungwon's feet, where Maeumi was bouncing in excitement. "How's my Maeumi doing?"
"Replaced by a dog? Eh, can't say I'm mad about it."
"I think there must some misunderstanding. The title of best friend has always been reserved for Maeumi." Jungwon giggled. "Sorry to spring up on you like this. I know you like coming here to think."
"It's okay. I've probably done enough thinking for today." Jungwon stood up from the bench.
Heeseung was still kneeled on the floor, now looking up at Jungwon. The afternoon sun hit Heeseung at just the right angle to make his honeyed skin look especially golden. Heeseung looked good. Too good.
"Will you be walking me home?"
"It would be my honor." Heeseung gave an over-the-top bow, to which Jungwon rolled his eyes as he started walking.
Moments like these were easy with Heeseung. Silly little things to make each other smile. Whenever Jungwon thought about what he wanted for the rest of his life, he imagined this. Side by side with Heeseung. Selfish, honestly. Since there was always meant to be another. He and Heeseung couldn't be forever.
Could they?
Forever with Heeseung... Wasn't that already a given? BFF. Best friends forever. Forever was already decided. But Jungwon hadn't expected to ever question how he wanted that forever to unfold.
"Do you think about forever with Sunghoon?" Jungwon blurted out in the middle of Sunoo doing his makeup.
Every year, the graduating class would celebrate the momentous occasion with a bonfire. Riki had been dressed and ready since Jungwon arrived. Sunoo, however, had yet to finish dolling himself up. He needed to look his best since, "Sunghoon is going to be there!"
Heeseung hadn't mentioned it when Jungwon asked if he'd be going. Only told him Sunoo better be ready in the next five minutes or Heeseung would be leaving without them. (He wouldn't. He was too antisocial to attend a campfire alone.)
"What the hell are you on about?" Sunoo resumed with the brush in his hand, blending the blush he'd put on his cheeks until they were the perfect shade of rose pink.
"Just answer the question."
"Honestly?"
"No, lie to me."
"Jungwon."
"Yes, honestly." Sunoo was using his pinky to smear eyeshadow against his lids. He pursed his lips as he gave the question more thought.
"Since we're being honest, no."
"No?"
"No, Jungwon. I have not thought about marriage and commitment with a man who I'm not even sure likes me."
So it was just a Jungwon thing. Well, Jungwon and Heeseung. Probably just Jungwon.
Heeseung honked his car horn and Jungwon rushed outside to do damage control. "Sunoo is just about done. Two more minutes."
"I will leave." (He didn't. Even when Sunoo took another four minutes to find his favorite sandals.)
The sun was setting on the drive over, as beautiful as an oil painting, with deep reds and oranges, pink feathered clouds speckling the sky. Jungwon was put in charge of the aux and he only realized too late that all the songs he was putting on were all of Heeseung's favorites. His best friend singing every word of the last song was what did it. Brain clicking on like the cartoon light bulb. He was the only one who knew. Smiling to himself, Jungwon added another song.
When they got there, Sunghoon greeted them, accompanied by Jay and someone else. Someone Jungwon hadn't met before. He was introduced to him as Jake. Whatever high he was on disappeared the moment he learned that.
Jake was pretty. With bangs that fell into his eyes, wispy and long like the rest of his hair. It blew with the breeze and if Jungwon believed in angels, he'd think Jake was one. Greater still when he noticed the shivers Jungwon was attempting to hold back and wrapped him in the blanket he'd been using.
"B-Better?" he said through chattering teeth. Jake was too pure.
"Great going idiot, now you'll be cold." Jay scolded.
"Here." Heeseung held a blanket between his hands, draping it over Jake's shoulders. Jungwon wasn't sure where he got it from, but the fact that he had it and chose to warm Jake with it made something nasty curl inside his stomach.
"Thanks, Seungie." Pretty teeth too.
Jungwon huddled close to Sunoo, as they stalked up to the fire. A few of their classmates threw around congratulations, the trio returning the sentiment. Jungwon wanted to stay positive. This was his celebration after all, but his eyes kept drifting to Jake. He was distributing skewer sticks with marshmallows on the ends and looked every bit of flawless doing it, even when he dropped some of them. Sunghoon called him clumsy, but there was a smile on his face. Everyone around him found it endearing. Including Jungwon.
Sunoo handed him one of the skewer sticks, pulling him some distance away to roast their marshmallows. Jungwon wondered if he could sense the displeasure on him. Maybe Sunoo was more observant than he gave him credit for. Sunghoon joined them and Jungwon let Sunoo do all the talking, paying more attention to the way the flames licked at his marshmallow, charring the white until it was a melty, gooey mess. He almost burnt his mouth trying to swallow it down. Before he could go find more, Heeseung was appearing beside him, holding out a perfectly crisped marshmallow.
"Aren't you going to eat it?" he asked when all Jungwon did was stare. "Oh I get it." Heeseung's hand was retreating and Jungwon cursed himself for not acting faster. But then he saw Heeseung blowing at the marshmallow, lips puckered up as he blew at the smoke and Jungwon could only see pink. So pink and tender and soft. "Say ah."
Jungwon instinctively opened his mouth and there was soon stickiness on his tongue, sweet as he swallowed. He was burning under Heeseung's gaze or was it from the fire? He couldn't tell anymore.
"Seungie! I think I need another marshmallow."
Attention stolen, Heeseung reversed back to where Jake was. His marshmallow was more burnt than Jungwon's had been, even his stick had been scorched. "You need more than a new marshmallow. Let's go find another stick for you."
"Okay!" Then, there was a hand placed along Jake's lower back and he was being ushered away from Jungwon.
That nasty feeling from before came back. He wanted to go home.
"What's up?" Jay asked when Jungwon approached him.
"Have you been drinking?"
"Nah, beer isn't really my thing. I'm more of a wine guy." He must have picked up on Jungwon's weariness because concern crossed his features. "You okay?"
"Can you drive me home?"
"I thought you came with Heeseung."
"I did. But he's busy right now and I want to go home. Now." He didn't mean to come off so snappy, but something was very wrong with him right now and he couldn't stomach staying a minute longer.
"Let me just tell Sunghoon."
He sat on a log as he watched Jay speak to Sunghoon, the other man looking over at him with similar concern. He avoided eye contact, wanting the people around him to stop with their sympathy. He didn't need it.
Jay returned with his car keys already in hand, nodding in the direction he'd left his car. Jungwon couldn't move fast enough.
Everything blurred together on the drive back. Street lights flared his vision and he had to wipe under his nose a few times to make sure he wasn't leaking snot all over the place. He didn't think he would be crying and yet, here he was, in Jay's expensive Jeep, wiping his face as another tear rolled down his cheek.
Tissue appeared before his vision. "Want to talk about it?" Jay offered and Jungwon didn't. Not with someone who was friends with both Heeseung and Jake. But.
"Has Heeseung ever dated in the years you've known him?"
The older man tapped at the wheel. "I don't think so." he said. "Heeseung was always too busy to date seriously."
"What about, um, like, uh." Jungwon felt sick again.
"Dude is way too embarrassing to do casual. Trust me." They stopped at a red light. "You don't have to answer this if you don't want to, but can I ask you something?"
"Hm."
"Were you jealous today, of Jake?" Jealous? Was that what that nasty feeling was. It curdled when Jay said his name and that was probably answer enough. "You should talk to him about it. I think you might learn something worth your while."
Jungwon wanted to ask what he meant, but they were already at his house. "See you next time, Jungwon."
Being on the other side of the coin, it was Jungwon who was blowing off his best friend. After the bonfire, he laid in bed for hours, thinking. He heard his phone go off, but ignored it until the next morning came. He saw Heeseung had sent quite a few messages, called too, but Jungwon wasn't in the mood to talk. He eventually let the man know he'd made it back home safe, even if it was redundant at this point. He was sure Jay probably already told him or else he would have already been here, knocking down his door. Or maybe that was the old Heeseung.
These months apart were making him question everything he thought he knew about the older man. Why keep Jake to himself? What was he hiding? Did Jake know something Jungwon didn't? At this point, he was convinced everyone knew something he didn't.
His phone went off again. Can we talk? It was Heeseung.
There weren't many places they could have privacy, so Jungwon was resigned to have this talk in Heeseung's car. He drove them up the hill to look off point and it should feel weirder to be at a popular make out spot with his best friend, but it wasn't. Jungwon was starting to think it never was.
"I've never been here before." Jungwon commented casually.
"Me either." He'd expected the answer, but it was still nice to hear him actually say it. "Jungwon..."
"Just be honest. I can take it." He said, but if Heeseung's next sentence included Jake, he didn't know if he could hold himself together.
"There was a reason I didn't come back earlier this year."
"I knew it. Busy my ass."
"Please hear me out, though. I-I didn't consider your feelings. I was only thinking about myself. About how I felt." Jungwon couldn't get himself to look at him yet. "Jake and I"—ohgod here it was—"were kind of dating."
Hearing the words actually come from Heeseung's mouth made it that much more painful than Jungwon had imagined. It was imminent and yet it still broke him, tears already gathering on his waterline.
"So you did have a boyfriend?"
"No, it never reached that stage. I mean we didn't even—I wouldn't let him kiss me."
Hang on. "What?"
"I couldn't get myself to kiss him."
And wasn't that just absurd? When Jake looked the way he did. Even Jungwon would have caved.
"Why?" He didn't think it was unsolicited. But Heeseung looked like Jungwon had just asked him the most difficult question from their calculus textbook. "Hee—"
"I made a promise."
"Huh?"
"I made a promise to a little eight-year-old boy that I would be his first kiss."
It felt like being back at that sleepover, cradled in Heeseung's arms, told he came first. Friends would come and go. He and Heeseung were forever. Even now. "You didn't have to keep that promise." Jungwon pointed out.
"When have I ever broken a promise?" Jungwon gave him a look. "Okay, forgive me. I did wrong this year, but I was confused. Because Jake was this really sweet guy and I wanted things to work, but..." A hand found his over the console. "You were all I ever thought about." So it wasn't just a Jungwon thing. "When I came back this summer, it wouldn't leave my mind. This was the tentative date we'd set. I wanted to see it through."
"What if I hadn't remembered?"
"I would have still kissed you. I don't think I could have gone all summer without it."
"Perv."
Jungwon shoved into Heeseung and the older man used that moment to keep him close, hand back around his nape as he looked down at Jungwon. They hadn't been this close since the last time they were in Jungwon's bedroom. "I like you." Heeseung confessed. "I think I've liked you for some time now." Jungwon felt the smile stretch his face.
"Good because this would have been embarrassing otherwise."
"Wha—" Jugnwon didn't let Heeseung finish, tugging him down to finally, finally, have his lips on his again.
This was the forever he wanted. Kissing Heeseung. Not just at make out point. At the mall when they're with their friends. On walks with Maeumi. By the warmth of a campfire. Everywhere and anywhere he could.