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What are we?
The question rang through Kaveh's mind. They're not exactly friends. Friends don’t fuck each other, right? Lovers is not the right term either. Even though Alhaitham didn’t say anything about what's going on between them, Kaveh knows that they are not and will never be lovers.
Because Kaveh is Kaveh, and Alhaitham is Alhaitham. They are opposites: they contradict each other's ideas, always bicker over small things, and let their emotions take over— in Kaveh’s part. Kaveh might be irrational sometimes, but it’s Alhaitham’s fault for always opposing Kaveh’s ideas and opinions. He is always looking for mistakes in Kaveh. Or at least, that's what Kaveh thought.
Today, Kaveh forgot to bring his keys again. He was rushing earlier because he woke up late that he didn't even manage to do his hair properly. This is the third time this week that he has forgotten to bring his keys with him. Ugh. And what's more annoying is that whenever he forgot to bring his key, Alhaitham would find joy in pretending that he doesn't hear Kaveh banging the door when he can perfectly hear him just fine because he thinks it's funny leaving his senior shivering from the cold night outside. The bastard.
Kaveh finds his roommate's antics really annoying and constantly berates Alhaitham about it whenever he gets the chance. But today, all he wants is to get clean and collapse into his bed. His whole body aches from slouching day and night just to finish his new project, and although he thought drinking would help ease his pain, it only made things worse—especially after walking straight into a wall on his way home.
“Alhaitham! Open the door!” he shouted, pressing his body into the door frame. Public image be damned. He’s so drunk that his vision starts swimming. He can’t even stand properly without using the door as leverage. It was a miracle that he got home without other people seeing him.
Much less seeing him going home to the Acting Grand Scribe's house.
Ugh.
“Haithammm...” Kaveh whined unconsciously. He doesn't know why but he suddenly feels sad. His body that was leaning on the door frame lost its strength and slumped in front of their door.
While waiting for the door to open Kaveh's mind wanders to his junior, what would it feel like if he were to date Alhaitham? He thinks dating him wouldn't be as bad as people imagined. Kaveh overheard some scholars gossiping about boyfriends and he heard one of them mentioned Alhaitham's name and phrases such as no sense of humor, boring, emotionally disconnected, even bad in bed! How presumptuous! Kaveh doesn't think of Alhaitham in that way though! Even the last word was such a lie! They haven't seen how big that snake Alhaitham carries with him! The mental image of a very naked Alhaitham makes Kaveh giggles.
That was when he realized it had been days since Alhaitham last touched him. A faint warmth crept up his cheeks as memories surfaced. How those long hands resting on his hips, those sinful lips murmuring soft, intimate words against his skin. Stop, he scolded himself, shaking his head as if that could quiet his thoughts.
There would be a few good advantages though, if he were to date his roommate. Like Alhaitham buying Kaveh a cart full of wine so he doesn’t need to go drinking at Lambad’s. Heh, fat chance, he thinks, or maybe, if Alhaitham truly does care for this senior of his, he would come pick him up at Lambad's after a night of fooling around and drinking himself to death. Cleans him and tuck him to bed. Oh what a dream.
Then, Kaveh wouldn’t be suffering from the cold outside anymore! He hates how he always shivers from the cold because his clothes are way too open for the chilly night. If it wasn’t for a certain someone who thinks hiding his keys and not opening the goddamn door was funny, then he wouldn’t be freezing himself to death!
Damn it.
The door clicked open, and behold, Alhaitham's smug face greets him. But it quickly fell as he saw Kaveh. A knot worked its way into his eyebrows.
“You look awful,” Alhaitham says.
“I feel awful,” he replied, sighing to himself.
"Explain." Alhaitham crossed his arms over his broad chest, flexing his biceps. Kaveh won’t admit it, but his junior really did grow up into a fine young man. Fuck, a handsome, fine young man. What are those muscles even for? If not to choke him.
How useless.
“Explain what?! You hide my keys!” Kaveh whisper-shouted at him. Or so he thought; his intoxicated mind failed him, and instead of whispering, he shouted, he thinks he woke some of their neighbors. He doesn’t care though. All he wanted was to sleep soundly on his bed and Alhaitham is making it hard for him.
Alhaitham’s brow twitched at Kaveh’s response and said flatly, “I did not”
“Yes, you do! Don’t lie, Alhaitham,” he replied, not bothering to hide his rising voice. He then starts recounting how Alhaitham always finds different ways to hide Kaveh’s key. Even timing it whenever Kaveh has to meet with a super important client, how their keys always managed to get tangled with each other and Alhaitham doesn’t even give a fuck and grabs both when he leaves.
Unfortunately, it seemed that Alhaitham got tired listening to his ranting and tried closing the door in front of his face, but Kaveh was quicker and snuck his hand in, accidentally hurting his hand as a result.
“Ow!” Kaveh yelped, clutching his hand to his chest. It doesn’t hurt that much though, just a little sting. He stared daggers at his now smug-looking roommate. He even had the gall to smirk! I never thought you were this low, Haitham! Kaveh thinks internally.
“That’s what you get from disturbing my sleep, senior," he scoffed, or was that a laugh? He can't quite read the minuscule expression on Alhaitham’s face. Alhaitham stepped inside, opening the door wide so Kaveh could come in. Afterwards, Alhaitham turned his back and headed straight to the kitchen.
“You weren’t clearly sleeping! And what, I can’t drink my sorrows away? If you have a problem with that, just say so, you don’t have to lie, Haitham,” Kaveh replied, closing the door. He stumbled through the hallway, and spotted the ugliest vase he had ever gazed at in his entire life, which Alhaitham had purchased last week without telling Kaveh. Kaveh complained a lot about it as it clashes with the aesthetic designs that he meticulously picks to fit in their house.
He scoffed while looking at it. Oh, I know that bastard is giggling in his sleep, knowing that he never fails in pissing Kaveh off.
He stomps forward and sprawls on the divan, immediately closing his eyes. His thoughts and vision were swimming. He wants to say something, a snarky reply or a confession of his feelings, perhaps? He didn't know, the alcohol was muddling with his mind.
Oh, he remembered now.
What are we?
They had been friends once. In their Akademiya days. Then the fallout happened, and they became strangers afterwards. Now they lived under the same roof—no longer friends, certainly not strangers, after too many shared nights and unspoken moments. Not lovers. They’re not anything with a name.
So… what were they?
The question lingered, heavy and unanswered, before a familiar voice cut through the haze.
“You know that I do not lie, Kaveh. Just drink some water and go to bed. Spare me the details of what made you upset so we can sleep already." Alhaitham stopped in front of him and handed him the water. He accepted it and gulped it down like a man in the midst of dehydration after a desert expedition.
“Hmpp! You won’t even humor your senior,” he pouts, passing the glass to Alhaitham and lying down on the divan again. He curled into himself, looking like a sulking puppy. Beside him, Alhaitham sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose and said, “Go to bed”
“No.”
“You’ll regret this tomorrow”
“Get lost” Kaveh replied and buried his face in his hand. He doesn’t get a reply immediately. He thought Alhaitham left but he was surprised when a cold hand pry Kaveh’s hand off his face.
“Okay then, tell me what’s upsetting you, and I’ll listen,” Alhaitham uttered. Kaveh paused and looked up from where he was curling. He gazed at Alhaitham’s eyes and saw something he hadn’t expected—no irritation, no smugness, no trace of the usual nonchalant that Alhaitham wore like armor. Instead, it is laced with patience. It made Kaveh’s throat tighten for some reason. He sat up, turning to face Alhaitham properly.
He thinks of reasons why he’s upset. But he can’t think properly. Is it about the keys? Kaveh doesn’t think so.
There are a lot of questions he wanted to ask, answers that only his roommate knows but he is far too scared to even mention it.
I’m no better than a coward.
He couldn’t stop his thoughts from drifting back to the question from earlier. What are we? Does he deserve someone like Alhaitham? Would Alhaitham even want to be with him?
They argue every day, bickering over the most trivial things. It’s a cycle they can’t seem to break. Yet somehow, every fight leads them to knowing and understanding more about each other. Does he love Alhaitham? Yes, more than he admits. But the real question is, does Alhaitham even like him? How could he? When he’s just a man who crippled by his debt, lost in his own idealism?
Time goes slow between them, and all Kaveh could hear are the soft puff of breaths of Alhaitham as he slowly leaned closer to Kaveh.
“Why aren’t you saying anything? Embarrassed only now, at all times?” Alhaitham asked with that voice that made Kaveh’s mind spin.
“Shut up” he spat.
“We don’t have all the time, Kaveh.” Alhaitham sighed.
“First of all, I’m not forcing you to listen to me. And second, you could go back and sleep tight or read for all I care!” he huffed, glaring at his roommate.
Alhaitham studied his face for a moment and said, “Fine.” He stood up and started walking towards his room. Kaveh could feel his chest tightening and a lump forming in his throat.
Alhaitham gave me the chance, but as always Kaveh always messes things up.
Kaveh stares at the retreating form of his junior, just as Alhaitham was about to open his bedroom door, Kaveh whispered something—voice trembling that made Alhaitham freeze in his tracks, “Haitham.... Do you hate this senior of yours that much?” Kaveh whispered, fighting off the tears that were slowly forming in his eyes.
"Why in the world would I hate you?" Alhaitham asked, turning to face Kaveh. His expression was one of clear confusion, as if he couldn’t quite understand why Kaveh would even think such a thing.
“Because of our fallout years ago,” Kaveh said. Alhaitham was looking at him like he’d grown a second head, and it wasn’t helping. “A-and...I...I crashed into your house because of my debt. I know you think of me as a burden, but I am trying. Trying, Althaiham. It’s just that whenever I try and make an effort to mend the things between us it always backfires and I can’t stop thinking about you whether you hate me more or think less of me.” Kaveh fidgeting in his seat.
And also how you act as if it’s some one night stand after fucking around whenever you feel like it and act like nothing happened between us. Kaveh said to himself.
“Oh.”
The tears threatening to spill from Kaveh’s eyes finally rolled down his cheeks. With a shaky voice, he said, “You don’t have to like me, Haitham. It’s fine the way we are... I... I have loved you for years. But it’s okay you don’t have to like me back... I know you hate me, you don’t have to pretend that you like me.” he finally confessed.
What the fuck is he even doing?
“And don’t worry I will move out tomorrow morning so that you don’t have to see my face and—”
“I don’t," Alhaitham cut him off.
Kaveh’s eyes widened, but he nodded to himself. More tears spilled from his eyes. It felt like Alhaitham just rubbed salt into a freshly opened wound by his confirmation of not liking Kaveh back. And it hurts. Heck, it’s not like he is expecting Alhaitham to like him back. After all the shit he pulled off, endless nights wasting his roommates money on some beers, having Alhaitham pick his shits up it was obvious that there is no way Alhaitham would like him. He probably hates Kaveh so much that he’s tired of pretending that he cares for his senior, and he feels pathetic.
“Y-yeah, I know. Can we just forget about this happening and act normal—”
However, before he could sink deep into sadness, Alhaitham did the last thing that Kaveh could think of. He stood up and grabbed Kaveh’s waist.
“Wha—”
“I don’t hate you, Kaveh. It’s more of the opposite,” Alhaitham whispered. The word felt natural to say, yet foreign in a way that made it feel too good to be true. Not real! Not real! Not real! Kaveh’s mind chanted.
“W-what are you—”
Alhaitham chuckled, he let out a sound that sent shivers down his spine“I regret telling you now. I should’ve told you sooner. Is that why you’re upset?” Kaveh flushed red and averted his eyes.
“Stop pretending” he murmured.
Alhaitham looked at him, unimpressed by his words. “I am not. I love you, Kaveh” Kaveh squirmed in his arms, but Alhaitham tightened his hold, holding the man in place. He could feel Alhaitham’s warmth through the cut of his shirt. His heart was beating loudly. Alhaitham loves him, he actually loves him. Kaveh could feel his face burn. He nuzzled Alhaitham’s neck to hide his blush.
“You’re lying”
“Am not”
“Are too”
“Am not”
“Are too—hey!” Kaveh slaps Alhaitham’s hand that is slowly itching his way to his butt. Alhaitham just chuckled and pressed his forehead on his.
“I like you too. For a very long time now. You’re just too dense and are stuck in your imaginary world to notice” Alhaitham whispered, he caress Kaveh’s cheek and says, “I was too scared to confess. I know you have your own goal and I’m afraid I would ruin it by changing what’s between us. I’m too afraid that you would leave me again, just like what happened before because I was too stupid and ruined your vision”
Kaveh’s breath hitched at those words. The teasing warmth between them cracked, leaving something raw and trembling in its place. His fingers curling into the fabric of Alhaitham’s shirt as if letting go would make everything disappear.
“…You idiot,” Kaveh whispered, voice shaking. “Do you really think I’d leave because of that?”
Alhaitham stiffened, just slightly. It was rare—almost frightening—to feel hesitation from him. “I don’t think,” he said quietly. “I know what happened. I know how much pain I’ve caused you before.”
Kaveh finally looked up at him, eyes glassy. “You did hurt me, but I hurt you too….” He swallowed. “And I left not because of you. It’s because I’m selfish..”
Alhaitham’s expression softened, something unreadable flickering behind his eyes. He lifted a hand, hesitated, then rested it over Kaveh’s hand “You weren’t selfish. You valued other people above yourself. Too much, if anything. I didn’t want you to wither away because of that. That's why I choose to do things that I know would open your eyes as well as hurt you…I was stupid, I'm sorry.”
Kaveh let out a shaky laugh. “We were stupid.
“That’s right,” Alhaitham replied, lips curving faintly.
Silence settled between them, heavy but not uncomfortable. Kaveh leaned forward, pressing his forehead against Alhaitham’s chest, listening to the steady rhythm of his heart.
“…I’m scared too,” Kaveh admitted. “Scared that if I believe this, it’ll hurt even worse if I wake up tomorrow and every turns out to be a dream”
Alhaitham’s arms wrapped around him fully this time—firm, certain. “Then we’ll be scared together,” he said.“And if it is a dream, we’ll relive it again and again until you finally believe it’s real. Along the way, we’ll build each other’s trust, until neither of us is afraid of being left behind. You’re good at that, aren’t you?”Kaveh huffed, then laughed softly, the sound muffled against him. “You’re impossible.”
“And you love me anyway.”
Alhaitham tilted his head down, brushing a careful, tentative kiss against Kaveh’s hair, as if asking permission. Kaveh didn’t pull away. Instead, he tightened his hold, finally allowing himself to believe that this time, it was real,
“I want to hear you say it again, senior.”
“Shut up.”
“Say you love me.”
“I hate you.”
Alhaitham scoffed. “You just admitted you lo—mmph!”
Kaveh cut him off with a kiss, sudden and heated. When he pulled back, Alhaitham blinked, then slowly smirked.
“What?” he murmured, leaning closer. “Is it because you like what you’re touching?”
Kaveh froze. Somewhere along the way, his hands had slipped, now resting against Alhaitham’s chest.
“…Shut up,” Kaveh muttered. Cheeks blushing.
Alhaitham chuckled. “I didn’t know you were like th—”
Kaveh silenced him with another kiss.