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Does it Spark Joy and Other Life Lessons from Spring Cleaning
“Baby, I don’t think we need that big of a charcuterie board. It’s the same basic bitches we have over every time.” A dark blue plastic laundry basket was placed with a loud smack on the floor by the coffee table that had been cleared off in the living room. Steve, the baby in question, was standing at the kitchen island, arranging pieces of cheese and meat, nuts and dips and bright fruits on a large beautiful handcrafted cutting board. The cutting board was made by Eddie’s uncle, Wayne, when he started to get back into woodworking after retiring with his long-time partner, Benny.
“In fact,” Eddie continued, pulling the piles of clothes out of the laundry basket to sit on the floor to the side of the rug, bright sunset colours in a pretty ombre that Steve said made the exposed brick in the loft not as dark. It had been spread out beneath the couch and coffee table, covering most of the hardwood flooring. Eddie dropped the laundry basket off to the side, moving towards his boyfriend. “I’m pretty sure those heathens would be perfectly fine if you took a break every once in a while and just ordered pizza.” He leaned over the island to take a gander at the charcuterie board. “What the hell is that?” He pointed a paint-chipped fingernail towards the board.
Steve followed his incriminating finger, “Toasted baguette?”
“Toasted- No, no, that .” He jerked his finger to the thing beside the pieces of toasted baguette.
“Dried apricot?”
Eddie frowned, “Did the store run out of wet apricot?”
Steve rolled his eyes, “Well, you don’t have to eat it, Picky.”
“Oh, no, no, no, Stevie. I’m gonna eat it . I might not like it, but I’m eating it.” Eddie dismissed with a wave of his hand as if brushing away a pesky bug, reaching out with his other hand to snag a piece of cubed cheddar cheese. Steve pouted at him, grabbed one of his fancy cheese knives (they were rose gold with decorative handles and Eddie refused to let it rest how cute his boyfriend was for picking that particular set of cheese knives) and immediately cut four more cheddar cheese cubes to replace the singular one snatched by Eddie.
The sound of the condo’s front door opening stole Steve’s attention long enough Eddie was able to steal two more cheddar cubes within him noticing as a voice called out, “Oh my beloved dingus, I’m home!”
Steve, like the wonderful, beautiful golden retriever he was, perked up, grinning as he rushed away from the kitchen, wiping his hands on his sunflower yellow apron, before flinging it off him, and rushing out to reach the voice.
“Robs!” Eddie heard laughter from several others, not just Steve and Robin as other people began to tumble through their front door with bags in their arms. Eddie managed to spot Steve’s deliciously beefy and tanned arms wrapping around Robin as he picked her up and crushed her to his chest, her long noodle arms flapping around him in excitement. Chrissy rushed past her girlfriend being crushed by Steve to grab Eddie around the neck with a laugh.
“God, it’s been forever! I hate being an adult.” Eddie burst out as soon as Chrissy’s peaches and cream body spray hit his nose as he wrapped his arms around her to keep her close.
“Fuck, I know right.” Jonathan had wandered in with his boyfriend, dropping their plastic bag next to the huge and fluffy bean bag chair. “Trying to get a day when we’re all free to get together is ridiculous,”
“Bonkers,” Argyle agreed, giving Eddie a fist pump around Chrissy. “Fleetwood, man, is this your charcuterie board? It looks fucking gnarly, woah.” Steve entered with Robin, beaming, as two other girls followed behind them. Argyle never actually used the right name for anyone other than his boyfriend, but Eddie knew Argyle kept encyclopedic knowledge on each one of them and that the nicknames were his way to spread love.
As Chrissy released him, Eddie grinned at the sight of the other girls, “Robert!”
Robin gave him a two-finger salute, “Theodore!”
Eddie grinned at the last two women entering the living room, “And last but never least, the noble ladies of Houses Wheeler and Holland!” He gave a dramatic sweeping bow to them, earning a small smirk from Nancy.
Barb scowled, “Munson. Seems like Steve is still putting up with you. Unfortunate.” She had the slightest pull of her lips, her tell that she was trying hard to keep her grumpy demeanour in place and not laugh.
Eddie grinned, popping back up to stand straight, “He regularly holds gladiator fights for the next eligible partner but I cry so pretty and he feels really, really bad when he sees my sad face.” Eddie gave an exaggerated sad, pouting face at Barb for reference, running his index fingers down his cheek to mime tears. “Also, he loves my huge d-,”
“Eddie, glad to see you haven’t set fire to the new kitchen curtains again.” Nancy cut him off, jerking her head towards said curtains in the kitchen.
Before Eddie could say anything, Robin snorted and said, “These are the third set of curtains, Nance. Don’t give him any credit.”
Eddie whipped around to see Steve grabbing the charcuterie board, grabbing at his chest with a gasp, “You told!? You said you wouldn’t mention it!” He hit his palm against his chest, creating a thumping noise, allowing his shoulder to move in an exaggerated movement like he’d been shot.
Placing the board on the coffee table with delicate precision, Steve turned to Eddie with his hands on his hips, “I said I wouldn’t tell any of our snoopy friends ,” he corrected. In mute betrayal, Eddie pointed right at Robin’s face, his fingertip brushing against her cheek. She slapped his finger away with a roll of her eyes.
“Snoopy friends.” Steve agreed, “Robin is my capital ‘P’ soulmate and telling me to not share information with the other half of my brain doesn’t work. It's impossible. I’m sure there’s been studies.”
Barb snorted as she sat down on the couch, “Oh, trust me, studies have been done on you Harrington.” Steve stuck his tongue out at her, like a mature adult with an adult job and adult condo and adult boyfriend. Barb, a mature adult with an adult job as well and adult condo and adult girlfriend as well, stuck her tongue out right back.
“Man, Fleetwood, this cheese is crazy!”
Steve glanced over at what Argyle was eating. “The pistachios?”
“Is that what this is? Bro, heavenly .”
Steve smiled, his eyebrows doing his signature fond quirk upwards that he couldn’t control, “Go crazy, man. I know you’ve been picking some extra delivery shifts to help out at the restaurant.”
Argyle beamed, “Many thanks, Beautiful Child.” He plucked the ramekin off the tray to pick at it in the bean bag chair, legs spread wide open so Jonathan could sit on the floor between them and lean against the bean bag.
Eddie trotted after Steve as he headed into the kitchen to get drinks for everyone as they all settled into their respective spots in the living room, their chatting filling the loft.
“Once we get these drinks, remember baby, you don’t need to dote on them. They’re, surprisingly, big kids and know where everything is in our kitchen. As they should from how many times we’ve come home with someone in here who doesn’t pay rent.” Eddie reminded gently, stealing a kiss from the back of Steve’s neck as he leaned into the fridge.
“Ugh, but-, What if-,”
“Nope. No. Absolutely not. Get the drinks out there and sit that cute, juicy, God-like ass-,”
“Ohhh, my god, Eddie-,”
“-out on a surface with our friends and pick through everyone’s clothes like the cute little ferret you are, my darling, baby hoarder,” Eddie got another kiss from Steve, this time on his cheek.
“I think the description lost you there, babe.”
“I was staring at your ass, it was hard to focus on the English language.”
“Take the drinks, nerd.”
“Aye, aye, captain,” Eddie snatched four of the eight drinks from Steve and wandered back out to the group of friends. Robin grabbed hers from his hands before he even started handing them out.
Once Steve arrived with the rest of the drinks, Chrissy grabbed a small bright pink sports duffle bag that held her and Robin’s old clothes. “I wanna start the clothing swap! I wanna see everything!” Nancy nodded as well, setting her drink down and grabbing her and Barb’s bag, a large floral monstrosity of a bag with a hard, flat bottom that she used for groceries because Nancy planned her grocery shops and bought special bags to do so, like a weirdo.
Eddie loved it.
Chrissy pulled a small scrap of fabric out. As she unfolded it, it became clear it might have once been a t-shirt but the sleeves had been neatly cut off. It was a crew neck, dark blue with a faded, cracking Hot Wheels logo on the chest. “Does anyone want this? I’m like, swimming in it.” She held it up to her chest with a frown.
There was a beat of silence as everyone stared at how utterly small the shirt was. Eddie imagined it wouldn’t even fit his boyfriend’s bicep. One of those sculpted, golden biceps, with dots of beauty marks scattered over his skin like the stars in the sky, like Steve was crafted by the cosmos…
“I understand, it’s just too big.” Chrissy sighed, tossing it to the side when everyone kept silent, blinking at her. Eddie forced his eyes away from Steve to stare at his friend as her words wiggled around in his brain.
“How about… Does anyone want this one?” She pulled up another top, a floral pink crop top with decorative ribbons that would wrap around the ribs.
“That’s a baby shirt,” Barb deadpanned, quirking her eyebrow in puzzlement.
“A shirt for babies,” Jonathan agreed, squinting at it.
Nancy tilted her head at the top, “I’ll try it on.” She offered and Chrissy perked up, tossing it to her. Nancy snatched the shirt and disappeared into the bathroom, not even bothering to close the door. It didn’t take her long to emerge with it on and Eddie’s hand flew to his mouth in shock.
The tiny pink top barely fit over Nancy’s chest, the bottom of her lavender lace bra exposed beneath the shirt from just how damn miniature it was.
“Damn, Trixie Belden, your titties be poppin’!” Argyle grinned, taking a toasted baguette topped with prosciutto and smoked gouda from Jonathan’s treat plate and popping into his mouth with a loud crunch. “Like a princess.”
Steve made a noise in the back of his throat, quickly grabbed three slices of salami and shoved them into his mouth to stifle any more noises.
Robin wrinkled her nose, “Don’t say titties.”
“What princess are you referencing that has popping titties?” Barb asked.
“Robin would rather you say boobies,” Steve added hastily, once he swallowed the salami in his mouth. Robin hit him with the back of her hand, right in the sternum, making him grunt.
“It’s a great ‘going out’ top,” Eddie told Nancy, keeping his face as blank as possible, watching as she sat down gingerly on the couch next to Barb again, as if moving too fast would split the fabric open. And by the look of the fabric, it wouldn’t be a surprise. It was putting in the work.
Nancy, with her face just as controlled, said “Yeah, good shirt for going to movies. Being out. In public.”
Eddie nodded, “In the city. Crowds. Fun days away from the office.”
Nancy quirked a brow, “I like it.” She deadpanned. “I’m keeping it.” She crossed her legs and grabbed a grape to pop in her mouth.
Eddie’s mouth twitched at the corner, “Cool. Princess.” He barely managed to keep the quiver of humour out of his voice.
“Cool.” Nancy agreed. “I do look like a princess.” Her voice was perfectly controlled, keeping her track record as the best poker face in the Midwest.
Steve, who’d grabbed his pile of clothes, grabbed a pair of leopard print shorts and held them up. Eddie squinted and tried to remember if he had ever seen his boyfriend wear those before. They seemed vaguely familiar. “Does anyone want these? I lost my anal virginity in them!”
Eddie nodded, now recognizing the soft stretchy shorts with the new context. Yeah, he knew those shorts.
“They’re cute, right?” Steve beamed. Eddie remembered how cute was not the word he would use to describe how Steve looked in them.
Robin furrowed her brown at the shorts, “How?”
Steve fumbled with them to grab the leg hole to stretch it, “It’s a jersey knit, very stretchy.” He demonstrated with two punctuated stretches of the fabric for emphasis.
Chrissy perked up, “I’ll take ‘em!” Robin shot Chrissy a scandalized look that her girlfriend didn’t notice as she caught the shorts in the air from the easy toss Steve gave.
“How about this hat?” Nancy asked, pulling out a black baseball cap from her bag. “I bought it because I thought I was a hat person. I am not. Definitely not a hat person.” She frowned. Across the front of the hat it had white embroidery that read, Executive Producer: Dick Wolf.
She shook her head at it, looking almost sad, “I am not a hat person.”
Immediately there was a cacophony of “What!? You’re a hat person! You’re totally a hat person!” from everyone in the room, voices overlapping like a shitty theatre ensemble.
Barb bit her lip, looking like she was trying not to laugh.
“Put it on.” Jonathan encouraged.
“We wanna see it.” Eddie agreed, taking a huge swig of chocolate milk from a plastic cup with Ghost Face on the front, and black dripping words that read ‘ no you hang up’, on the back.
Nancy, reluctantly, placed the hat on top of her dark curls.
“Ohhhhh,” Steve’s mouth fell open, looking stunned.
“Yeeeahh…” Chrissy whispered.
Barb shook her head, sadly, running a hand over her girlfriend’s back.
Robin made grabby hands at Nancy who took the hat off and tossed it to her. Robin immediately fumbled the brim and dropped it before quickly snatching it up and shoving it on top of her dirty blonde hair.
“Does it make me look gay?” She asked, framing her hands around her chin.
“You look hot!” Argyle declared.
“Cute,” Barb offered.
“You look so good in hats,” Chrissy beamed.
“It doesn’t make me look gay?” Robin asked, looking worried at the prospect of not looking gay. Eddie understood that fear.
“Nope, nope! All good.” Jonathan responded absently, picking at the crackers and popping a blend of cheese and meats in his mouth. “Not gay at all.” He mumbled around the food.
Robin scowled and Eddie quickly grabbed a shirt from his pile. “How about this?” He spread it out to hold in front of him. It was a dark beige colour with rips in the collar and blocky black font on the front that read, all my friends are on federal watchlists. “Oh yeah, there’s blood on it. It’s not my blood though. It’s raccoon blood.”
Steve frowned at the shirt before squinting at Eddie’s face, looking lovely and confused.
“Are… you okay?” Barb asked.
“Well, yeah, I’m okay. The raccoon isn’t though. Mrs. Driscoll in the trailer next to Wayne’s shot it and I had to dispose of the little guy. She thought it was a ‘peeping Tom’. Her words, not mine. Uncle Wayne answered the phone to her saying, ‘I need that little gay, satanist boy of yours to help me dispose of a dead body, Wayne.’ I thought my Uncle was gonna have a heart attack.” He snickered.
Nancy smirked, “Hand me the shirt, Munson.” Eddie tossed it to her.
Jonathan pulled a shirt out of a dollar store bag that he held up to them. “There is a stain on the front,” he admitted, showing the front. It had the Dunkin Donuts logo on the front. Steve squinted at it and realized it actually said Dunkin Deeznuts. There seemed to be a grease stain near the bottom of it. He flipped it around. “You could wear it backwards though. There’s a stain on the back.”
The group went, “Ooohh,” like it was choreographed.
Robin snatched it from Jonathan before Eddie could, smirking victoriously when Steve blocked Eddie’s hands with a judgemental brow raise.
Chrissy, digging through the bag, pulled out a pair of sweats. “Does anyone want my ex-boyfriend’s sweatpants?” She stretched her arms up to show off the length of the pants which looked well-loved and soft, with elastic at the ankles and a thick, comfortable waistband with long ties hanging at the front.
“Which ex-boyfriend?” Steve asked.
“The one that sharted a lot.”
Narrowing his eyes, Steve repeated, “Which boyfriend that sharted a lot?”
“I think we all know which one…” Eddie muttered.
Chrissy quirked a brow at Steve, “Look, do you want them or not?”
“Of course I do.” Steve huffed, snatching them from Chrissy’s hands.
“The ones who sharted are always the best,” Argyle mused, and Eddie realized he had at some point switched to wearing the Hot Wheels tank top Chrissy had first brought out, the shirt so small it didn’t even cover Argyle’s ribs. Eddie thought he might see one of Argyle’s pierced nipples poking out from beneath it.
Robin had put on the gaudy, bright Hawaiian shirt he had shed, looking down at her shoulders to see how it sat on her. It was teal but most of the shirt was covered in the slices of what Eddie realized was grapefruit. “Do I look gay in this?” She wondered, flipping with the collar.
Jonathan shook his head, “You look, like, straighter than me.”
“Jonathan, everyone here is gay.” Barb pointed out, patiently. “We have a charcuterie board, a poster of Judas Priest over there,” she pointed past them to the brick wall where there was, in fact, a poster of Judas Priest. Eddie preened. “About 15 different plants-,”
“Technically, there’s 19,” Steve mumbled.
“-in the window there and we are all dating each other.”
Eddie nodded, “Seems a little bit gay.”
Jonathan nodded slowly, looking back at Robin, “Dude, you’re so fucking gay, holy shit .”
“Thank fuck.” Robin deadpanned. “I’m stealing this weirdly yonic grapefruit shirt. It makes me look gay.”