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There was never a time in Tommy's life where sleep was his friend. He inherited his brother's insomnia which made it all the more difficult to drift off,not to mention the insistent nightmares and night terrors he had. This was especially hell during his second exile,when if he didn't sleep he could almost hear sounds of the loneliness around him.
Thankfully now,4 years later,he's able to sleep more often but simply because he was so,so tired all the time. The persistent thought that Dream might escape prison and hunt him down drained him all throughout the day,leaving him to have nightmares about it at night. It was truly unfair how this twisted man seeped and tainted all aspects of his mind; it made Tommy want to scream until his vocal cords broke and bled.
As Tommy zones out while looking at his cup of warm tea he sighs deeply, frustrated and tired,eye bags darker than ever. He woke up in the middle of the quiet night with a terrible headache and made himself some tea to regain that drowsy state that hit almost immediately.
The blond stands up, stumbling,his vision strangely hazy as he musters up his strength to reach the bed placed next to a dirt wall. Just as soon as he comes in contact with the soft bed sheets,he drops carelessly on the mattress,not even bothering to position himself comfortably.
Weirdly enough,Tommy is able to fall back asleep almost as quickly as he closes his eyes. However, he felt a different energy around him; a flash of white crossed his vision before he inevitably dozed off. What the fuck was in that tea?
Tommy woke up in a place he didn't exactly recognize but it felt familiar nonetheless. He jolted up,confused,and inspected his surroundings. Huh…L'Manberg's borders. The teen’s face scrunched up in confusion as he took a mental note of the melancholic lovely forest around him,everything seemed just a tad bit blurry and unrealistically saturated,glowy and bright; practically as if he was spectating from a child's perspective.
Tommy groans,rubbing his eyes as they wander around the nostalgic place; he didn't exactly feel awake,the blond instead felt like he was in a conscious dream. He turns to look behind him,frustrated before yelping in surprise as he notices a figure sitting on its knees,staring intently at a flower.
Tommy squints,trying to clear his focus. He expected just about anything at this point,what he didn't expect however was to see a younger version of himself in his old L'Manberg uniform,staring down at what seemed to be a marigold. The young adult,unsure of how to react,starts taking hesitant steps towards the boy who doesn't make a single sound.
Tommy sits next to seemingly himself in front of the prideful yellow flower,his lips twitching as his mind races with things to say but he wasn't sure where to start…what would he even say to his old self? He was fucking shit at advice and he wasn't in any position to give any anyways.
‘Did I always look like that?’ Tommy thinks to himself as he stares down at the younger,unmoving boy. The kid looked so bright and golden,his eyes intensely blue and sparkling with all kinds of life,a fire in them so vivid it could've burnt a whole forest to the ground. Tommy tries,for a moment,to pinpoint the exact period in which he lost all of that…he concludes that he cannot decide.
He feels like he's supposed to react more strongly towards this,be panicked and freaked out,but for some reason this scenery brings him a certain sort of internal peace he doesn't want to give up so soon.
“Aren't you surprised or something?” Tommy tilts his head as he asks the silent boy who keeps staring with narrowed eyes at the plant. The younger grins thoughtlessly.
“I go through all types of absolutely mental shit everyday. It doesn't bug me anymore. You're me from the future,right? Prime,when did I start looking so fucking old?” The kid laughs annoyingly as Tommy's face gets painted by an offended expression.
“You dickhead,I'm still young and fresh.”
Tommy was only twenty years old but he looked and felt even older; he wasn't as swift,loud and courageous as he used to be…he,frankly,became quite cranky and tired; sometimes he didn't even feel like Tommy Innit anymore,whatever that meant. He guesses that's what three wars and two exiles plus all the other side shit does to a kid.
Before responding,the blond takes a moment to look at his younger self and raises an eyebrow unconsciously. Were people genuinely,seriously getting into real fights with this kid? This rewires Tommy's brain as it gives him a new perspective on just how fucked up things were back then
...and how not a single thing had changed now,despite the fact he fought so desperately for a difference.
“Did you know that if you sing to them,they grow faster and more beautiful? It's so fucking cool,man.” The kid breaks Tommy's train of thoughts as he looks at him and then stares at the marigold flower in front of them. In all honesty,it was indeed very prosperous and beautiful, shining its own majestic gold light. “Yeah,obviously I knew that.” Tommy mumbles as he crosses his arms and joins his past self in the staring contest against the pretty plant.
Tommy looks to the side after about 10 minutes and sighs deeply.
“Listen,man,I'm sorry. I know damn well I wasn't out there fighting just for my future self to turn out a grouchy,lifeless grandpa. That's not what I wanted my legacy to be. This world is just…real fucking cruel,mate. Fuck the Esempii.”
Tommy explains as he gestures with his hands to try and emphasize his apology and the other him laughs a bit at the last sentence. It was true,he always fought with determination and pride so he could be deemed something great,something important someday…he didn't expect for life to drain all of his soul out.
“Man,shut the fuck up. I'm sure there's still some time to get our spirit back. Nothing is impossible!” The younger Tommy rolls his eyes as he looks at his older self with an expression of mock annoyance.
He leans down to smell the flower and smiles; Tommy does the same and notices it smells very fresh and almost like wet hay,like that odor when it's just about to rain somewhere. it's a smell he missed since the flowers in his garden were all rotting away…
almost like himself.
“But do tell me this,oh wise future me,” Kid Tommy suddenly said with a funny voice in a sarcastic manner,very obviously playing around with the adult.
“Do we ever,like,get a fucking break?”
That makes the older blond burst out laughing simply from how deadpan the kid said that. He gives him a knowing stare before smirking tiredly and looking at the horizon.
“Yeah. For a little while. But unfortunately you've got a really fucking long,painful,torturous way to go before you can get a break.”
The young soldier grunts loudly as he looks at the sky,frustration evident in his voice as Tommy chuckles,watching his old self rub his face in desperation.
“But,there's good news. Green bitch is in prison.”
The kid's eyes immediately widen and shine.
“Holy fucking shit! No way! Fuck yeah!”
Tommy keeps giggling as he watches little him now rejoice and throw his hands in the air victoriously while biting his lip and humming ‘We Are The Champions’ loudly. It was amusing to see how obnoxiously childish he was; as he should've been,after all. It was sad that so many people despised him simply for that.
Tommy closed his eyes and took a deep breath,not laughing anymore as his expression darkens a bit. He looks over to the younger with a pained look as the other blinks at him expectantly.
“Okay,mate, I'm going to give it to you, dead seriously honest. You'll never be at peace,not mentally at least. You'll always fucking- look back on the horrors. Your only way is to…make peace with it,I guess. You can't do anything heroic or big to help yourself. You just need to start living life slowly and shit. Put in less energy. Stop fighting.”
The soldier Tommy blinks,debating whether to answer or not. He just gives older Tommy a grimace on his face and nods solemnly,not exactly agreeing with what his future self said. How was he supposed to stop fighting when that's all he's ever known? If he stops resisting, stops being determined, stops being reckless…is he even Tommy Innit anymore? Is he supposed to lose his sense of self completely?
Young Tommy decides to take a stand,as he always did,and shakes his head with decisiveness in his eyes. The adult sighs internally as he thinks about how that same passion would be the cause of his death. How so many people felt personally threatened by his confidence.
“I'm not going to do that. Fuck no. I'm not going to stop being myself just because people try to push me down! That would be like letting them win! I won't fucking let them. I'm a big man! Biggest and greatest man there is! And I'm supposed to tone it down because some people don't like it? Well you know what I tell them? What you should tell them? I tell them to kiss my fucking ass. I won't make myself ‘digestible’ to people just because they don't like me. They can get the fuck out of my life,then!”
Tommy looked stunned,his expression bewildered. He knew he had this mindset when he was younger but he didn't exactly remember its full potential. Nonetheless,the firmness and determination in his past self's eyes made him slightly jealous…because what he said was true.
Tommy tried to be more meek,tried to take up less space,tried to be invisible just so that people would leave him alone,and give him some peace; yet it didn't work. So why should he act like something he's not just to please people since it didn't fix anything anyways? …Tommy stayed silent and his younger self followed; his shoulders felt heavier. They both turned their attention back to the stunning marigold in front of them.
They both had something to learn from eachother,it seemed.
After a long while of staring,the oldest of the two looks up and sees that the sky was becoming greyer and greyer,accentuated by hues of black and blue. He turns to the child soldier next to him and grins softly,patting his shoulder.
“I guess it's time to wake up.”
The younger nodded firmly and gave himself a comforting,almost child-like and toothy smile. Tommy stood up and turned towards the spot he appeared in initially.
“Wait,wait!”
The oldest simply spun his head around.
“Please,don't fucking dissapoint me,man.”
"I won't. That's a beautiful flower,by the way. The singing does work."
Tommy could've said so much. He could've warned himself about Dream,about Wilbur,Technoblade or anything else in his life. He could've told him how the praying would never work,how trying to keep his discs was useless. But he knew the child soldier wouldn't have listened either way and it would've helped only Tommy with clearing his conscience.
(Maybe it was better this way; why should he rob him of his light? Pluck the sun in his irises and dim them? He had other people who would do it anyways. And Tommy chuckled,Tommy chuckled at the poetic aspect of his shitty life. He was always a victim of other people's selfishness,he could spare himself from his own for once.)
Tommy laughed playfully alongside younger him before giving him a more lively nod and turning his back,shutting his eyes roughly and concentrating before another white flash appeared in his vision.
He woke up and opened his eyelids in the same position he went to sleep in. He stood up groggily and looked around…nothing changed; nothing ever did,maybe that's a good thing. The blond touches the green,ragged bandana around his neck,feeling it and suddenly getting a strong urge to visit Tubbo. Maybe he will,because for the first time in years he felt human.
He felt like Tommy again.