Chapter Text
Kawaragi Momoka was exhausted.
She flopped down on the couch, a hefty, fluffy-sounding ‘thud’ reverberating throughout the room. In any other situation, maybe she’d have moped her way to the fridge to grab a beer, or at least gone through the effort of cleaning herself up at all. But with her puffy eyes decorated with the remnants of dried tears, she couldn’t even muster the energy to drown her feelings out with booze.
It had been an utterly draining night, almost entirely thanks to her hot-headed bandmate, Iseri Nina. Iseri Nina. Iseri Nina, who had decided to pick a fight with Diamond Dust. Iseri Nina, who had jumped in front of a moving vehicle. Iseri Nina, who uttered those god damn words:
“I love you as a person, too.”
The words played on repeat in the guitarist’s head, bouncing around off of every wall of her mind, permeating every little thought.
She hated it.
She hated how much those words got to her. How sweet and gentle Nina was with her words. How warm every syllable felt, as it spilled out of her bandmate’s mouth and seeped into Momoka’s cynical ears. She’d already known that the brunette had a special kind of voice, but there was almost resentment over how perfect those three words sounded when Nina said them.
“…I love you…”
Momoka couldn’t help but feel guilty over the situation. What had she gotten the poor girl into? She’d spent so long trying to make sure the rising star didn’t repeat her own mistakes. So long trying to protect Nina; to protect the sparkle in her eyes, to protect the hope in every word she sang. Nina had rightfully scolded Momoka for this, and the vocalist had every reason to be mad with her, but…she said those three words regardless.
What did she even mean by that, anyway?
Was it platonic love? Familial love, even? This was the most likely answer. Nina probably just saw her as a big sister-type, and she wanted to express thanks for that. That’s probably all it was. No big deal. Nothing to think about or worry about there. She could sleep it off, see her again at the next practice, and life would go on.
…but what if it wasn’t?
Momoka buried her face in the couch, trying to hold back a scream.
She didn’t want to consider the possibility. There’s no way that could be the case. Nina had so much of a future ahead of her. So much to live for, so much room to grow. She didn’t want to hold her back, like she knew she would. She knew that Nina was stronger than her. Nina didn’t deserve to have dead weight - baggage- like her around. Nina was bright, and hopeful. She was a failure.
And yet still, her heart beat faster as she tried to dispel the implications of it all.
All she wanted to do was run away.
Run away from the feelings. Run away from the possibility of Nina really, genuinely, romantically falling in love with her. Run away from the dream of hearing her angelic voice say “I love you” one more time. Get away from the fantasies about feeling the small girl in her arms, curled up against her chest.
But the more she thought about it, the more she knew there wasn’t anything she could do.
Nina had won her over from day one, and she was powerless to fight it.
At first, she was ensnared by her voice. A voice that had guided her, that had told her not to give in. And she followed that voice. It led her to a girl who was not only completely and utterly adorable, but also one that burned with the passion of a thousand suns. A girl who had nothing left to lose, a grudge against the world, and yet wore her heart on her sleeve. She couldn’t help but find her gaze wander to Nina’s eyes whenever she got the chance, watching sparks fly behind them up on stage. The way Nina fought, and never gave up. How intoxicating it was, standing beside her, feeling the glowing warmth she radiated when she lost herself in the music.
It was enough for Momoka to get lost in the song of her own heart.
The blonde buried her face in the couch, trying her best to muffle a scream. It really wasn’t fair, she thought, that she’d let herself fall in love with a girl like Nina. it was a part of the guilt she felt. She was terrified that maybe she’d abused her power. She’d tricked the star-struck country kid into getting close with her, just to stave off the crippling loneliness. That she’d been mooching off of the poor girl’s motivations for herself, all just to try and survive.
Momoka begged for it to just be a one-off comment.
Please don’t throw your life away for me, she thought to herself. I’ll never forgive you or myself for this.
It was all just so unfair. What was Nina thinking when she jumped in front of the truck? What was Nina thinking when she told Diamond Dust to shove it? What was she thinking when she told Momoka that she’d loved her?
…what was Nina thinking?
Still face down on the couch, Momoka’s mind wandered to the image of Iseri Nina, curled up in her bed in her small apartment, squeezing a pillow, her own face buried in it. Was she thinking about the conversation that night? Was she smiling, content with her decision? Was she crying herself to sleep, thinking her idol could never love her back? Was she just trying to sleep, out of hope for a new day, where she could stop thinking about it for just a little longer?
The guitarist’s stomach churned at the thought of the poor thing crying herself to sleep, which wasn’t helped by Momoka’s desire to hold Nina and tell her that things would be okay.
Momoka tried to stop thinking about it as much as possible, flipping onto her side and brushing the hair out of her face. She felt gross for even entertaining the idea that Nina could possibly love her in any way that wasn’t purely platonic, and she felt even worse about the way she felt about her.
Had she really saved her? Was a song she wrote really powerful enough to keep someone alive?
Could she ever love this girl in a healthy way, knowing that her…crush looked up to her in a way like that?
Momoka held back her tears.
She’d wished they’d never met.
Maybe then, she wouldn’t have to let Nina down.