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“We interrupt this program with a shocking news alert: President Jimble has been assassinated. Although he had only been in office for a week, following Biden and Trump's unexpected announcement to quit politics and get married, somebody apparently took issue with him. That somebody? A small pink puffball. The puffball swallowed President Jimble while he was giving a public speech and spit him out of his butt as a bright yellow star. There are thousands of witnesses and recordings of the event. However, they have been deemed 'too disturbing' to show on national television. Luckily, the puffball is being held in a jail in-"
'Japanifornia has seen a ton of strange cases, but this... is... by far... the strangest,' Phoenix Wright thought while watching the small TV monitor above his table. He was eating at McDonald's, enjoying a delicious burger and fries. His break would continue for another 20 minutes so, being a defense attorney was the last thing on his mind. Right now, he was simply an average joe witnessing the news. In fact, like an average joe, he felt sorry for the poor sap who would become this pink puffball's attorney. 'Thank God it won't be me!' he thought.
When he returned to work, it turned out to unfortunately be him.
"WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU TOOK HIS CASE, MAYA!?!?!?"
"His dads came to your office while you were on lunch break. They were crying so I asked what they needed. They said 'a defense attorney to prove our son is innocent'. I said 'ok! im basically like phoenix's boss so ill make him take your son's case for you."
"You are not my boss!" He screamed.
"Well, I made them a promise and I don't wanna break it," she said flatly. "So you better get on that case."
"Ugh!"
He headed to the jailhouse so he could speak with the puffball.
While he drove there, his mind was spinning. How could he possibly win? The puffball was, without a doubt, guilty. This wasn't like his usual cases where his client just seemed guilty. No, there were actual videos of what happened in broad daylight.
When he arrived, he begrudgingly asked police to set up a room for an interview. Maybe a fucking miracle would happen. Maybe the puffball would tell him a juicy tidbit that disproved everything in the news.
He waited and waited. Far longer than he usually waited for this kind of thing. Then, after a while, an officer walked up to him.
"We finally got the puffball to stay in the interview room. Be careful with the little guy. He looks harmless, but he kept escaping from his cuffs."
'Oh, great,' he muttered under his breath. Not only was the puffball guilty, he was Harry Houdini. That meant, even if he magically turned out to be innocent, he could get in trouble for something else like resisting arrest.
"Thank you," Phoenix grumbled before following her to the room.
It was dull and grey. The bright pink puffball stood out immediately. Phoenix stared at it in shock.
It was so small, like the size of a kickball, that the police had to craft a special kind of 'cuff' for it. The cuff was a rounded piece of metal bolted to the table. It covered the alien creature's stomach/waist instead of its stubby little hands. As Phoenix moved closer, unsure if it was even from Earth, it wriggled frantically.
"What the hell are you?" He asked. He didn't mean to sound rude, but... seriously, what was he looking at?
"Poyo!" The alien shouted.
"Uhh- Ok, Mr. Poyo. Your dads want me to take your case, which means I'm gonna need some information. Can you tell me about the afternoon of the murder?"
"Haiii!"
Because Phoenix was a weeb, he knew that meant 'yes' in Japanese. He sucked in his breath and said, in perfect nihongo, "Can you tell me about the afternoon of the murder desu-ka?"
"Poyo?" It cocked its head.
'Oh, nevermind,' he thought. Obviously, it spoke Spanish and wanted chicken.
"Lo siento, no tengo pollo," Phoenix said.
"...Hai?" Mr. Poyo said again.
Ok. Now he was just fucking with him. Maybe he should try speaking to his dads. If they had talked to Maya, then they probably used English.
After leaving the interrogation room, he called her on the phone.
"Hey- talking to Mr. Poyo is getting nowhere. Did his dads ever give you any contact info or anything? I want to talk to them before his court date."
"They mentioned their address. It's... uhhh"
On the other end of the line, there was a crinkling noise as if she was pulling her hand out of a bag of chips. Had she written the address on herself then started eating?
"6969 Popopoland Court, Los Angeles."
"Thanks." He typed that into Google maps and found it instantly.
It was an hour away from the jailhouse, but he made the journey in one second. It was almost like he was a videogame character jumping from scene to scene. Nah, that couldn't have been possible!
Ignoring his existential thoughts, he marched toward the front door.
Two men opened it before he even knocked. One was a fat blue duck in a red robe, and the other was a puffball like Mr. Poyo, except he had shiny metallic armor and a cape.
"Ay dios mio, we need you to help us!" The armored one said. A stereotypical Spanish guitar riff played in the background as he spoke.
He KNEW that fucker in the interrogation room understood Spanish!
"Yeah, man! Our son is, like, so fucked!" The duck waved his arms in the air. "The police arrested him right after he swallowed President Jimble, but it, like, wasn't his fault, man-"
"Wait, so you're saying he definitely swallowed the president?" He asked.
"Yeah... there's no denying that..." The bilingual knight kicked his feet. "Pero..."
Phoenix guessed what he was about to say. "There's more to the story. Like, he had a good reason. One that would make people everywhere take his side. Sí?"
"Yeah." He nodded. "He's neurodivergent and a minor."
"And...?"
"That's it."
Phoenix's eyes widened. "That's it!?!?"
"Yes," he continued. "We want you to tell the court how neurodivergent and minor-y he is so they can't convict him."
"I am a DEFENSE ATTORNEY! Do you think I just convince juries to take pity on guilty criminals because they're neurodivergent minors?"
"...I mean, yes."
He face-palmed.
"Ok," he breathed in. "So there's basically no point in collecting evidence about how he didn't commit the murder because he 100% did it. I just have to prove he's neurodivergent and a minor."
This went against all of his principals morally. But Maya would kill him if he dropped the case.
"Alright," he squinted at the parents suspiciously. "How old is he?"
"Like 200. Maybe 250," the blue duck answered.
"250-!?"
"I said MAYBE 250. He could be, like, 235."
"Do you have any idea how far away that is from being considered a minor?" He genuinely asked.
The other adult turned to his husband and yelled, "Calláte, Dedede! You are making him sound old." He turned back to Phoenix with a nervous smile. "He is- er- not so old. Well, he's over 200, yes, but for my species, that is still a baby. His brain is barely developed."
"What species are you anyway?" He asked, knowing he definitely wasn't a dog or a cat.
"We are Popstarians from the Planet Popstar." (Author's note: I think that's their species' name, idfk. Wiki says they're never named for some reason)
"Never heard of it," Phoenix sighed. "I don't think the jurors will have heard of it either, which means... I'm gonna need to speak with more members of your species to confirm that 250 is, indeed, a minor."
Almost poetically, the alien's gaze landed somewhere far beyond the clouds. "Unfortunately, we are the only ones of our kind who have immigrated to Earth-"
Dedede squawked, much angrier than his poet of a husband. "What do you mean you need to speak with 'more members of his species to confirm'?!?! Just talk to Kirby! It's obvious he's a dumb fucking kid! I mean, he babbles exactly like a baby! Babe, tell him!"
Huh. Phoenix thought Mr. Po- Kirby was just playing dumb. Jurors would think that too. When he explained this to Dedede, the man erupted: "JURORS ARE A BUNCH OF IDIOTS!"
"I hardly think- y'know what? Yeah, sometimes. But in this case, we really should show proof that he is 'baby-like' in terms of intelligence."
Then a metaphorical light bulb appeared over his head. "Is he attending pre-school? Do you have records of this?"
"Er-" the caped one tried to hide himself behind his cape, blushing. "He, um, might have been kicked out last year..."
"For?" The lawyer asked, dreading the answer.
"...swallowing an entire desk."
"Jesus, does this kid have advanced PICA?"
"We got him tested after the incident. And yes."
"Wait!" Phoenix exclaimed. "That's great, actually! It means you have records proving he's neurodivergent. Do you also have records proving he was attending pre-school until the day of the incident?"
"Yes!" He ran back inside and came out with a letter that read 'Your son, Kirby, has been accepted to Sunnyside!', another letter that read 'Your son, Kirby, is never allowed on Sunnyside's premises again.', and finally 6 pounds of psychological papers.
After he handed them to him, Phoenix smiled. "Thanks."
Welp.
This totally proved Mr. Kirby- (should he call him Mr? It sounded old, but the English language didn't have a 'Mr' for young kids. Was Kirby-chan appropriate?)
This totally proved Kirby-chan was neurodivergent and a minor!
Since Phoenix had collected everything he needed, the next day began. It was odd how days always ended after he accomplished enough work to get to a stopping point. They never ended any sooner or any later, no matter how fast or slow he worked. Huh. Maybe there was a reason for that---a reason like not being real. A reason like being a videogame character... Nah, that was preposterous!
He suddenly appeared in front of the courtroom background because... reasons.
BANG! BANG! BANG! The judge's gavel rang out like thunder, causing the whispersome court room to listen up.
"This court is now in session for the trial of the adopted son of Mr. Meta Knight and Mr. King Dedede, Mr. Kirby Knight-Dedede-"
"Wait, your honor!" Phoenix raised his hand. "The defense asks that you refer to the accused as 'Kirby-chan' or 'Kirby Knight-Dedede-chan'!"
"Why?" The judge blinked. "Is that like his gender or something?"
Miles Edgeworth entered the room, popping his collar like a Vogue model dressed as an 18th century aristocrat. "Chan is a Japanese honorific typically referring to young children, your honor. Especially girls or boys who appear girly. The defense is clearly using biased language with positive connotations to trick you into thinking Mr. Kirby is innocent-"
"Kirby-CHAN! Edgeworth, I can't believe you would misgender this pink puffball!" The judge yelled in surprise.
"What? 'Chan' isn't a gender-"
"I know. It's a title. But you said it refers to young girls or boys who appear girly. So if that's how the accused identifies, then I shall refer to him as Kirby-chan."
"But it- it- it still unfairly implies youth or innocence. Can't we call him Mx? At least that's English-"
"Is there something wrong with Japanese, Edgeworth?"
"No, but-"
"Holy shit, you're a racist!" The judge gasped. He cleared his throat and turned his attention to the court. "Alright, everybody. We are starting the trial now and I am deducting 10 points from the prosecution for Miles' previous racist comments. Everyone cool with that?"
The NPCs- I mean jurors whispered indiscriminately. After 2 seconds, trial music began.
"The defense is ready, your honor!" Phoenix shouted determinedly.
Miles grimaced. "The prosecution is ready, y-"
"Shut up, bigot," the judge sneered at him. "Mr. Wright, you are here today to prove how Kirby-chan is innocent, correct?"
"Not quite," he confessed. "I am here today to show the court why he shouldn't be arrested despite being, as most people would say, 'guilty'. Yes, it's true he ate the president. However, it must be noted that his brain is barely developed as he is a young, neurodivergent child. And that means he cannot be held accountable for his actions whatsoever."
"HOLD IT!" Edgeworth slammed his fist on his desk. "You're... not even going to try to prove he was innocent of the murder? I spent so much time collecting evidence, I-"
"Nope." Phoenix shrugged.
"R-really? You're usually better than this." His baffled look turned into one of deep disappointment. "You're usually... the most determined, morally-just person I know. I've always secretly admired it. I've always watched you go to extreme lengths to help prove your clients' innocence. Even when all seemed hopeless, you never gave up. Now you're just... acting like a lawyer?" Tears threatened to fall from his sad, sad eyes.
Wait- did Miles-senpai really think highly of him? Phoenix blushed and cried too, except he was crying happily.
"NO! MAYA MADE ME TAKE THIS CASE! I HATE MYSELF FOR WHAT I'M DOING AND FEEL LIKE I'M LYING TO THIS COURTROOM EVERY SECOND-"
"STOP! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?" Dedede stood up from the stands, raising his giant hammer. Meta Knight clutched his impulsive husband's hand worriedly, but he couldn't hide the fact that he was also scared.
"I'm quitting. Fuck you and your guilty son!" He yelled.
"Poyo?" Kirby tilted his squishy head cutely.
"That's the face of a monster!" He shuddered, pointing at his client like a wild beast. After clearing his throat, he turned to the jurors to make an announcement.
"Everyone, I am telling you truthfully that Kirby-chan is 100% neurodivergent and a minor. However, that does not change the fact that he vored the president to death. You can debate whether these conditions justify his crime or not. Afterall, we live in a democracy where sometimes people can get away with heinous shit for stupid reasons. Or good reasons. It really depends on your perspective. So, I ask you to judge him how you see fit, keeping all that in mind."
Miles wiped his eyes with an overpriced tissue then clapped. "That was... *sniff* the most beautiful thing anyone has ever said in courtroom."
"Wanna hear something even more beautiful? You." Phoenix made finger guns at Edgeworth's elegant caboose.
"Oh my Heavens," he jizzed in his pants. Then he bent over, flashing his elegant cabooty hole, and screamed, "Fuck me, Phee-phee~!"
HA. He had fallen right into the trap that had been set up. Phoenix smirked, about to end his worst enemy's career once and for all.
"Your honor!" He raised his hand again. "Edgeworth has just used vulgar, sexual language as well as exposed his backside in front of a precious young, neurodivergent minor! Is this really the kind of person who should be working in a house of law?"
"Oh my God, what the fuck?" The honorable judge's eyes widened in horror.
"Arrest him!" Phoenix yelled.
The jurors turned into a mob, chanting 'arrest him!' 'arrest him!' 'arrest him!' too.
"Officers, lock that degenerate up for 20 years!" The judge banged his gavel hundreds of times after motioning for the police/security guards to grab him.
"What the- WHAT? PHOENIX, I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME!" He screamed over the chaos of the court.
"I was playing you like Chris Hansen, you filthy pedo."
"I'm not a pedo! The only stupid child I love is you!"
"You could have asked me to have you-know-what with you at a more appropriate time in a more appropriate place. Not while there was literally a 238 year old minor sitting 10 feet away from you."
"I-" he chewed his lips with a sad, distant look in his eyes, knowing that was kinda true. After a moment, he cried. "Even though this whole thing was a farce, you have to tell me... Do you at least have some real feelings for me buried inside your cold, calculating heart?"
"Ew- no! I'm ace (attorney!)"
As the police dragged him away, Phoenix wiped his hands and faced the jury. "So, now that the prosecution is a convicted sex offender, which I doubt will influence your decision in any way shape shape or form, how's your decision on Kirby-chan's innocence coming along?"
"Hey! I'm supposed to ask that!" The judge declared. He turned to the jury and raised his grandiose voice. "Well, guys, uh, y'know. What he said."
After standing up with a blank sheet of paper, a faceless jury member spoke. "We have come to the conclusion that... Kirby is too neurodivergent and too minor-y to be arrested for eating President Jimble. Also President Jimble sucked so it's not like any of us are really disappointed that this is a blatant miscarriage of justice."
"Good," the judge ejected with relief. "I was hoping someone would say that- I'm more of an Obama guy myself. I would vote for him a third time if I could. Phoenix, you?"
"As a law school graduate, I believe the states would be better off if they devolved into total anarchy, but that's not important right now. What's important is, Kirby-chan is free and his gay dads are overjoyed!" He pointed across the courtroom to where Dedede and Meta Knight were hugging their son happily.
"You did it!" Maya (A/N: i forgot to mention she's been here the whole time) exclaimed.
"Yeah, I did, didn't I?" Phoenix adjusted his sparkling golden attorney badge so it sat perfectly on his well-ironed suit. "I even got rid of the most annoying prosecutor in all of Japanifornia. I should set up a sting operation against that Von Karma chick next..."
"I'll help you with it off-screen again!" Maya winked.
"Thanks, boss." He smiled bigger than the headlines about Edgeworth's demise would be tomorrow. Unwarningly, without warning, his stomach started to rumble. "Oh man, all that sabotaging has made me hungry as a horse. What should we eat now that the greatest trial ever has ended?"
"How bout chikkie McNuggies from Mickey D's?" she suggested with the utmost maturity.
"Oh ho ho ho, that's a delightfully devilish idea! I love to indulge in your refined culinary tastes, Maya. Hey-wait a minute! We aren't the only ones who should be celebrating!" He turned around and waved at the adorable family of aliens who were embracing each other in a tight hug.
"Would you guys like to go grab McNuggets with us?" He asked.
"Wha- we're having an emotional family moment here," Meta Knight scratched his head.
"HELL YEAH I WANT NUGGIES!" Dedede jumped up and down excitedly.
"Hai! Haiiiii!" Kirby cheered and climbed on top of his shoulder in agreement.
"...Nevermind," Meta Knight groaned, pinching his metal knight helmet where the bridge of his nose should have been.
And so, Phoenix Wright, Maya Fey, Meta Knight, Dedede, Kirby, the weird Judge, and Jimble's ghost strolled to McDonald's, where they ordered chimken mcnumtits and ate happily ever after.
The end.