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“I really like you, Yoo Joonghyuk.” Kim Dokja says as a rare expression rests on his features. Above the campfire, Yoo Joonghyuk stares at Kim Dokja's long lashes, eyes set downwards in quiet acceptance. The words were uttered in a way so reticent that the wind would have blown it away, and yet, the crackling fire did nothing to block out the statement from reaching him.
This is something Yoo Joonghyuk knows, but he would never admit it with confidence. Apart from the sacrifices Kim Dokja has gone through— Yoo Joonghyuk doesn't know the entire story, but he assumes that he's one of the reasons behind why Kim Dokja constantly puts himself in danger— there was always something behind those eyes. During those split second moments in a tumultuous battle or in the quiet of the night where words of future plans were exchanged, Kim Dokja had this particular shine in his eyes everytime their gazes met. When he gazed at Yoo Joonghyuk, there was an easy look of knowing, but there was always something more. Maybe it was longing, or another third thing that existed outside of the cusp of his understanding.
It deters him as much as it moves him, Yoo Joonghyuk has no idea if Kim Dokja tiptoes so close to death to prove something or if he simply doesn’t care for his own well-being. Those two factors could possibly coincide, strengthening the foundation of motives difficult to unravel. He really wishes things were simpler.
Yoo Joonghyuk’s eyes refocus so the sparks of fire blur into the background and Kim Dokja remains at the centre of his attention. His shoulders are set in a pensive curve before he glances up— flames reflected in calm sepia— then he smiles in that familiar self-deprecating way, as if the conversation was already concluded when Yoo Joonghyuk hasn't even gotten a word out.
It's an expression he frequently catches, yet he never points it out. It would be hypocritical for Yoo Joonghyuk to do so, and while the two had their own secrets, what greatly differs between them is that Kim Dokja knows too much about Yoo Joonghyuk.
It's a petty itch he can't scratch because while Yoo Joonghyuk was the stronger one between the two, in the most basic and simplest ways, Kim Dokja had the upper hand. Maybe that explains why he wants to hear the truth out of Kim Dokja’s own mouth so badly.
Although, rather than wanting to know of his true identity, he wants to know of its components, both the good and the bad. What kind of person were you before the apocalypse? He wants to ask, followed by a string of questions too personal to be considered important.
The simple truth is that there is so little he knows about Kim Dokja and it scares him.
“We should probably head back.” Kim Dokja says, shaking his head. The forlorn wrinkles between his eyebrows and chin set him off. It's such a lonely appearance that irrationality pools in his fingertips, an avid urgency to smoothen the frustration obscuring Kim Dokja's face.
“Wait,” Yoo Joonghyuk swallows, hating the way Kim Dokja looks at him. “Don’t you want to hear what I have to say?”
Kim Dokja tilts his head in an almost playful manner, a way to lighten the mood. “That’s not why I said that.” For the billionth time, he uses Yoo Joonghyuk’s honesty as an opportunity to compose himself. Even in the midst of intimacy, all Kim Dokja thinks about is how he can escape the situation.
“...Then why?”
Kim Dokja hums, drumming his fingers on his knee. “Maybe…as an incentive? Or just something you can use against me, I guess. Look, I don't want a response. I just—” he rubs his nape, a look of frustration and a new sort of fluster on his face, “I just wanted you to know.”
Why?
Kim Dokja was not the type to get caught up in his emotions. Similar to their first meeting, it was like an anomaly among normalcy. Yoo Joonghyuk knew this meant something was wrong. That there was no guarantee Kim Dokja would stay. It was clear, Kim Dokja was never one to be vulnerable. So for him to be in such a state, it must've meant—
“Kim Dokja.” He grabs onto his wrist, afraid that if he doesn't act now, he’ll slip away until he's nothing more than a ghost of lingering attachment. Like sand falling through fingertips, Kim Dokja could leave them behind all over again.
I really like you, Kim Dokja had said. What were the intentions behind such a declaration? What sort of weight did those words have?
What sort of weight was Kim Dokja trying to put onto Yoo Joonghyuk?
The shorter man stares at the hand holding his wrist like it was foreign and for a split second, Yoo Joonghyuk’s pulse quickens as Kim Dokja reaches for it, suddenly feeling a violent yet welcoming thrum within the cavity of his ribs—
…But of course it didn’t mean anything, why would it? Kim Dokja detaches the hand from his wrist and a cold sort of loss overcomes him. His chest aches at the rebuff faster than he can comprehend it. Even if he spent all this time and effort burying his feelings until apathy was etched into his mind and very being, he finds himself wishing for more. Here, with the short passing warmth in his palm— he unintentionally laid his heart down, a sliver of want and affection swarming beneath his skin that revealed itself too soon.
“Ah— Yoo Joonghyuk, don't look so down!” He smiles casually, lightly patting Yoo Joonghyuk's back in contrast to the heavy burden in his chest. Despite Kim Dokja's confession, such words and touches like this feel superficial. A strategy done to placate those who only got in the way.
Is that all Yoo Joonghyuk was? A tool to reach the ■■?
He can’t afford the luxury of latching onto desire, but it would be nice if some of the worry on Kim Dokja's face is real.
Yoo Joonghyuk was never the best with words. He has no idea if it stems from setting aside sentimentality to become the farthest thing from human, or if he was never the most eloquent from the beginning. While he was straightforward, he held back words that resonated too deeply, too afraid of materialising weaknesses that could never be taken back. Kim Dokja especially, was a weakness that resided so close to his heart. If such a vital point was targeted, what would happen to Yoo Joonghyuk? What would happen to Kim Dokja? All he could do was put a lid on it and hope that the overwhelming tenderness stopped interfering with sensibility.
How long could he last until those feelings piled up to the point where it overflowed? He knows that Kim Dokja possesses an irksome stubbornness that almost mirrors his own. He knows that while Kim Dokja presents himself as someone strong and capable, there is something so distant and lonely about him. His self-loathe seeps through when words of worry are directed his way, or when an arm is looped around his shoulder, or when an eager hand brushes the hair out of his face. When Kim Dokja is showered with affection, his expression is something bittersweet— a pitying look anyone couldn't shake off— almost like a child who was never given enough love. In turn, he cares about the kids precariously. It's not done aimlessly, but rather, he displays hesitancy due to inexperience.
Even if Yoo Joonghyuk were to say the words he’s been biting back, or if he took the steps to close the distance, he knows it would take infinite regressions to reach him. Kim Dokja was extremely hard headed, and he would never accept something he wasn't ready for. If he were to push his feelings onto Kim Dokja too early, then there was no guarantee that the space between the two would lessen. In fact, maybe it would only continue to widen, and who knows if there could ever be another time where they stood within arms-length like this?
There isn't much Yoo Joonghyuk fears, yet he's still flawed because his worries resurface; it's difficult to gain and extremely easy to lose. What comes after is immeasurable grief, a plaguing sensation of sorrow that shapes him into someone hollow. Yet the loss makes him stronger, a being capable enough to fight against the Constellations, it’s what he should become, but that doesn’t mean he’s liked it in the slightest. He’s shaped himself into a weapon sharp and sturdy enough to overcome the scenarios, but a sword used so many times will sooner or later go dull.
Still, he's tired of losing. He's tired of feeling like nothing matters if he ends up doing it all over again. His existence is nothing more than an unchangeable fate, an existence constantly at a standstill because the regressor doesn’t do the abandoning, but he is the one getting left behind.
For so long, he had suffered alone and more often than not, he found himself sinking into the perpetual darkness of his mind. It was Kim Dokja that got him out of it. That raging storm who seemed like a beacon of light amongst his flowing worries. Who knew such a person could change everything so much? Yoo Joonghyuk never expected the events to unravel the way it did, but he wouldn’t have it any other way.
It was Kim Dokja who taught him that there was an alternative, that his identity wasn’t limited to regressing. Yoo Joonghyuk will believe it, because he wants to keep going, because he wants to keep his loved ones close instead of pushing them away. He wants to reach a future with Kim Dokja and his companions, but most of all, he wants Kim Dokja to be in his future.
Grabbing onto the lapels of Kim Dokja's white coat, he spins him around and speaks with conviction. “Once this is all over, I’ll tell you.”
Kim Dokja’s expression shifts into something unreadable, but an ounce of regret is all Yoo Joonghyuk can pick up between those tightly pinched lips. Yoo Joonghyuk pretends the reaction doesn’t affect him at all.
After one or two beats, the shorter man nods almost imperceptibly, and Yoo Joonghyuk uses the half-assed action as enough confirmation before watching Kim Dokja walk off to the tents.
Yoo Joonghyuk will wait. He can only foolishly hope that once everything is over, when they've fought their last battle and are battered and bruised, they can finally accept each other bare. When the scenarios come to an end, he'll hold those unreachable fingers close and rest his nose in the crook of Kim Dokja's neck where the scent of blood and dirt would be replaced with fresh laundry and sweat. He’ll say everything he wasn’t able to. He'll make up for lost time because they’ll have all the time in the world.
He'll love Kim Dokja, but he doesn’t know if Kim Dokja would allow him to. At the very least, he hopes that Kim Dokja wants to be with them until the very end.