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She doesn't deserve this.
She doesn't deserve not-good life. She doesn't deserve a harsh life, and she doesn't deserve Me. I broke her heart after she seeing me with him, i really don't know what to do, i'm so stupid.
She didn't deserve me.
I don't deserve it.
She didn't deserve a person like me.
I wish she more popular than me
Why i should be the one who popular than her? She deserves better.
I'm a failure sister. Fuwawa deserve more, why i should be the one who gets attention? I just act don't like if Fuwawa get attention, but I really wish she get more attention so i can moving on something. I'm happy if Fuwawa get more attention...
After that accident... Fuwawa rarely talks to me anymore. But we only talk during the stream, but when the stream is over she just sighs and goes back to her bed... without saying "goodnight" or "have a nice dream", i miss her calling me "Moco-chan" and I miss old her, I was a bad little sister and I broke her heart, and i knew i didn't deserve her.
A few weeks after that incident, I decided to break up with my boyfriend. I have told him all the reasons I have in mind and he is understandable why I want to break up with him. He said "if that is your choice, I hope everything will go well after this. Goodluck!". I'm happy if he can accept it all just because for me..
I'm still thinking about that incident. Even where I would fall asleep, it would appear in my dreams every night.
I can't stop thinking about it.
I should be able to talk to Fuwawa directly, but she won't listen or even look at me.
Today, I'll talk to her. I know she's busy with her work, but I can't disturb her right now.. I really wanted to tell her that I had broke up with my boyfriend, but i think she would never listen to me.
I went to the room with a dull face. I felt Fuwawa looking at me but I didn't want to look back at her and went to my bed while thinking about how I should talk to her. I just got scared and nervous all the sudden.
"I'm going to wash my face." Fuwawa stood up from her chair and I could only look at her and look down again.
"How long are we going to continue like this..?" I talk to myself. I really can't stand all this, I feel like I want to... I don't know.
Will she understand? I felt a part of me shatter into pieces.
Will she end my pain?
Will she take my life?
Will she blame me out?
Instead of thinking about that all the time, I'd better calm myself down, right? But I can't. Anxiety really took control, I couldn't do anything and could only be silent.
What if Fuwawa doesn't forgive me? What if I'm burned alive? What if I get thrown out of here?
What if...
"Mococo?"
I heard that voice. I turned around and saw Fuwawa looking at me with confusion and worry. "Are...you okay?" I can only be silent. Fuwawa sat next to me which made me even more scared, I didn't want to listen to the words that came out of her mouth.
My chest hurts. I closed my eyes, letting my breath fall apart, I was shaking.
I felt someone holding my hand. It was so tight and warm... I slowly opened my eyes, and it was Fuwawa's grip.
"Calm down Moco-chan. You never having a panic attack like this before..."
I'm a little surprised. She called me "Moco-chan" back? Is it all over? It feels... It feels like my body has stopped working.
"Moco-chan, are you okay?" Fuwawa looked at me. I really wanted to look at her again but for some reason I couldn't. "I'm.....okay." Seriously... why do I have to say "I'm okay" Even though I'm completely not fine. I've completely lost my mind..
"My brain hurt me.." I'm a little scared. What will I say next? I really don't know...
"You need a rest, right now. It's for you health." "Why..?" Fuwawa looked at me. She sighed "i said, it's for your health."
I was silent. but I could look at her this time and say "what about you? Don't you always stay up late just because of your works? Can you even relax? You should be the one who needs a rest, your eyes Telling me! I always think negatively and I'm so worried about your mental state, I really can't do anything and can only watch you do all the works, you can worry about me, But can I worry about you this time...?!"
Fuwawa fell silent and her eyes widened. My anxiety woke up again. What if I say harsh words to her? Will she care about me again? Is she angry? I was afraid of the next words she would say. Did I make her unhappy? Did I talk so much that she would get angry with me?
My brain full of words.. it's everywhere... I can't even think straight.
I'm so messed up.
.....
"Moco-chan... Thank you." I raised my head, looking at Fuwawa in surprise. I saw her smile, her cheeks red, looking at me with a slowly happy face.
"You...do really cared about me so well.. In fact, I can't believe you talked so long about your worries to me. I am happy..."
I put on a surprised face, or... When I think about it... I calmed myself down enough by talking to Fuwawa... I hope she understands. but, I still think about what if she doesn't looking so happy?
"I g-got scared... Panic attack came to make my fear grow, i had nothing to do but just silent.." Fuwawa stopped smiling, looking at me with a worried face "You should have told me earlier... I didn't know that would happen."
... "Told me earlier" she said? How? Isn't like you mad at me before this happen?
what's.. really going on with me?
I don't understand. What happened? Why does it feel like I want to leave here?
I couldn't look at Fuwawa. My whole body stopped working, and went numb.
Am I dead? I couldn't move my arms or legs, it felt like everything was dead.
Ah shit. I don't like this..
I fainted, didn't I?
I don't know why it's funny. I'm fainting and overthinking at the same time...
At least, now i can rest...