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"Something's bothering you two, what is it?" The Doctor watched as both of the Ponds startled a bit at the sudden question.
"What do you mean? Nothing's bothering us," as Rory stumbled over his own words, he turned to look at Amy. "Right honey?"
The Doctor, accusingly, pointed his finger at them. "See that's exactly what I mean!"
Amy cleared her throat. Him and Rory both shut their mouths and turned to look at her.
"Nothing's wrong, if that's what you're worried about," she started. "But well..."
"Well, what?"
She threw him a slightly annoyed look at being interrupted, but continued nonetheless. "I- well we, we've wanted to ask you something, but I don't know if you remember."
"Remember what?" He asked, quite curious of what both Amy and Rory could be so interested in.
"The Dream Lord," Amy began. He tensed, remembering the feeling that the manifestation had brought, as well as at the sense of the looming tread of knowing what they would ask about. Amy noticed his discomfort, but he knew that she wouldn't back out now.
"Just before he vanished, he called you Theta." She finished with a bit of uncertainty in her voice.
"Oh, did he? I didn't notice." Of course he noticed. He hadn't paid attention to the two of them back then, but Amy must have seen the way he froze at the mention of the name. It wasn't his true name, even the Dream Lord wouldn't have been that cruel, but it was still the name of someone that he had buried away so long ago.
“Doctor,” Amy took a hold of his hands, probably noticing the way his fingers were fidgeting. He knew then what she would ask next, and sure enough, “Is Theta your real name?”
It wasn't. It could have been. It had been for a number of centuries, but it wasn't anymore. Not after he left Gallifrey, and he wasn't going to look back now. The Doctor was his name now. And more than that, it was a promise. A promise he might have forgotten, but in its core, he knew what his name was supposed to mean.
“No- well, one of them. I used it for a few centuries when I still lived on Gallifrey.” His view changed rapidly as he tried to look anywhere else but his companions. Eventually he found out that the floor was his best friend.
“It's not that important really, it's just a stupid name I picked out when I was bored.” He chuckled a bit, but something was wrong with it. It didn't sound happy. He didn't sound happy. And what was that? Something was blocking his vision now too. What was it called? He withdrew his hand from Amy's hold and touched something wet that had dropped to his cheek. Oh. Right, that was it. He was crying.
Quickly, he stood up and turned away from his friends. “Sorry, sorry, I don't know what's come over me. I'm not usually-” a crying mess? Maybe the biggest lie he would have ever told. Still, he didn't understand. Why was he crying now? It didn't make sense, it was just a name. A reminder of the past, yes, but so was everything about his own existence.
“Doctor…”
“It's fine, really. It's fine. I'm fine!” He repeated, trying to hold down the sob that was forming in his throat.
He could feel a hand on his shoulder, and if that wasn't the thing that made him almost break down, it was him being turned around and cradled into the arms of a friend. Amy held him tight, and soon enough so did Rory.
“We're sorry, Doctor. We didn't realize how hard this was going to be on you.” Rory apologized even though he shouldn't have needed to.
“It's not your fault, you didn't know,” he sniffled. “It's my own fault, really, I mean, I never tell you anything. I never tell anyone anything. You wouldn't have known.”
He felt the tears slipping away again, and buried his face into Amy's shoulder. Quite a clever way to hide one's face, isn't it? He felt a hand starting to go through the locks of his hair.
“Still, we shouldn't have pried.” Amy said.
He hummed, the tears were still coming out of his eyes, but he was feeling better. He wrapped his arms around the both of them, and pulled them closer. He hadn't felt this way about anyone in a long time. This felt familiar, like they were a family. He supposed in a way they were, they were River's parents and he was married to her. He really didn't know what he would do without them.
He didn't know how long they stayed there just holding onto each other, but however long it was it might have just been one of the best times in his long lives. They pulled away from each other, and with a gentle hand Amy wiped away the last of his tears. Rory came in to place a kiss on his forehead, and to move a few strands of hair away from his face.
With the warmth in his chest growing, the Doctor smiled. A smile that he every so often seems to forget. A true smile that among all the pain and suffering he forgets exists, but his companions remind him. They remind him that there's more to life than an endless road of agony. That there's happiness and love. Something that, in their opinion, the Doctor also deserves.
“Thank you, Amy, Rory. Truly, thank you.” He said. He really couldn't be more grateful for having them in his life.
“Always, Doctor.” She placed a hand on his cheek. “You're important to us, and we just want you to be safe.”
“Yeah, if you ever need anything, and I mean ever, we'll be there.” Rory said, and ruffled his hair.
Affectionately, the Doctor waved their hands away. He smiled, gave them both a quick hug and scurried away to the TARDIS’ console. He watched Amy and Rory as they entangled their hands together, and with a final goodbye made their way to their room.
As he continued to fiddle with the console, he finally realized why hearing his name spoken from another person's mouth affected him so much. It wasn't the name itself, it was the memory of who it was spoken by. A picture of a certain black haired child made its way into his mind, and the Doctor sat down. It was still too much.
The Doctor still couldn't think about him without breaking down. The image of the black haired child quickly turned into a man with blond hair who, with all their differences, had saved him. His breath shuddered at the memory.
He bent down, and put his head between his legs as another memory surfaced into the forefront of his mind. His friend dying in his arms, refusing to regenerate because he knew that that would hurt the Doctor the most.
After a moment, the image changed again. It was of the black haired child again, but this time he wasn't alone. Beside him laid a boy with golden hair, and a bright smile. It took him a while to recognize the boy as himself, but once he did, the memory resurfaced his mind so clearly as if he was still living in it.
He could feel the red grass below his finger tips, the warmth of the twin suns on his skin and the way his hearts were pounding as he was about to confess to something he never thought he would.
The Doctor drowned in the feeling of love that surged through his younger version. He had no worries, well except for Torvic, but his demise was still years away. The only thing that mattered to Theta was the way he felt about Koschei. The Doctor gasped. Koschei. It had been such a long time since he had even thought about his name.
That's when he remembered. This was the day he told Ko- him exactly how much he loved him. Yet another memory he had buried in the far back of his mind because of all the suffering. But just for this moment, he allowed himself to feel the love, to remember how Koschei's lips felt against his own and let himself be calmed down by Theta's unawareness of the future.
And against all odds, the Doctor felt a crash of calm overtake him. And for the tiniest of moments, he could relax.