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It’s around 11pm in Kyoto, the stars and the moon are shining brightly on the night sky. Utahime’s looking down on the cars, from a bridge. She’s standing on the edge of it. The cars look so hypnotizing, the lights also. She could just, jump. The last year has been just . . . a lot. So many people had died and she couldn’t even help. She wanted to jump right into the fight with Sukuna but they didn’t her let her. She knows that she’s too weak, that she would last max. an hour, but at least she wouldn’t feel so guilty that she’s still alive.
Maybe it would have been better that way, after all she would have at least been able to help. She’s so worthless. No one will even notice when she jumps from this bridge.
She should be dead. No matter what she does, she can’t stop thinking about it. She should be the one 6 feet in the ground, not those poor children, not the one’s who fought so hard. No matter how much she cuts and hurts herself, she can’t stop thinking about it. No matter how hard she tries those thought just won’t go away. And the worst part about them is that their right. She should be dead.
Utahime sights, she looks around her. ‘I’m sure leaving a beautiful place behind me.’ She wonders, will her parents even miss her, will someone at least miss her? Will her father even notice? No, he’ll just continue living his life as if nothing happened. Utahime feels tears slowly pouring down her face. Never in her life has she thought that she’s going to die this way. Since the day she had become a sorcerer, she was sure that she would get killed by a curse. She never thought that she would die by her own hand.
Utahime looks around her once again. God, she’s going to miss this place so much. But it’s time to say goodbye now. She looks down at the cars again. Once she jumps there’s no going back.
It’s the time now.
There aren’t any other people on the bridge, so no at least no one has to witness what is she going to do. Utahime takes a last deep breath, closes her eyes and jumps.
Suddenly, Utahime stops, she’s still on the bridge. Someone grabbed her hand, it hurts, her hand really hurts. “No! Let me go!” Utahime tries to free herself from the hold. “Uta, stop it!” She freezes. It’s Gojo? He lifts her up through the fence, away from the edge of the bridge. She’s sitting on the ground and Gojo’s hugging her, holding in place.
“Shh~, it’s ok Uta. I am here now.” Gojo whispers to her. “Gojo I-“ “Shh~, don’t talk Uta.” He turns her around so that she’s looking into his eyes. She starts crying even more. He doesn’t get it, he shouldn’t have stopped her. She should be dead, she has to die.
Utahime tries to stand up but Gojo just continues holding her down. He doesn’t seem like he’s planning to let her go any time soon. “Gojo, please! Let me do it!” She cries out. Gojo just hugs her even tighter. “No Uta. I won’t let you.” He whispers to her.
* * *
“Are you hungry?” Gojo asks Utahime as they get inside her apartment. “No, . . . no, I’m not.” She answers him. “Do you want to talk about what happened on the bridge, . . . or about the cuts on your hands?” Utahime looks at him, but stays quiet. He’s more than sure that those cuts that he saw on her hand weren’t from missions. Maybe she did them to herself. He might be over exaggerating right now, but how can’t he? He literally just witness how she tried to take her own life. He’s not risking anything else.
Gojo walks closer to her and carefully grabs her hand. Utahime winces a little. “I just want to check you hand.” He informs her and pushes her sleeve up, before she can protest. Gojo’s eyes widen at the sight of Utahime’s right hand. There are . . . cuts . . . quite a lot of them. Some are older, but most of them look rather fresh. There are some that look like they can’t be older than a few hours.
“They’re from the missions.”
“From what missions Uta?! Most of them can’t be older than a few day, some of them even a few hours. They’re fresh, and as far as I know, you haven’t been on any mission for the last few weeks. Don’t lie to me Uta.” She tries to turn away from him but he captures her head. “Did you did them to yourself? Are you hurting yourself like this?” He asks her, fully serious. She tries to avoid his gaze, but doesn’t succeed since the tears find their way into her eyes. “Uta, answer me, please.” In the end Utahime nods, revealing the truth.
Gojo sights. Unfortunately he was right. It hurts him so much. Why does she do this to herself? And for how long does she exactly do this?
“Can I ask one more question?” Utahime once again just nods. “For how long? . . . For how long do you hurt yourself like this?” Utahime is silent for a while but at last she answers him: “For around 8 months? . . . Or maybe a year?” That answer doesn’t satisfy Gojo. “So for 8 months or for a year?” She doesn’t answer him. “8 months or a year, Uta.” “A year.” She closes her eyes to avoid Gojo’s look.
“Why? . . . Why Uta?” Gojo asks her. “You asked if you can ask only one question.” Gojo sights. He’ll asks her again later, now he has to do something else first.
Gojo lets go of Utahime and walks over to her kitchen. He opens the drawer and starts taking out all the knifes. Utahime notices it: “Hey! What are you doing?” She walks over to him. “I’m making sure that you won’t continue hurting yourself anymore.” He answers her. “Gojo, you don’t have to do this.” She tries to stop him. “Oh trust me Uta, after seeing your hand and I certainly do need to do this.”
Gojo finishes taking out all of the knife and other things from the kitchen that he consider a possible danger to Utahime, and puts them into a one drawer. ‘Wait, she still has some needles and other sharp things in her bathroom and bedroom.’ Gojo walks to Utahime’s bathroom and also starts taking all of the sharp objects from there. He has to make sure that there’s nothing else left for Utahime to hurt herself with.
* * *
They are now both laying in Utahime’s bed. Gojo said that they both should get some sleep, but he just can’t fall asleep. And more than sure that it’s the same case with Utahime. “Can’t sleep, huh?” Gojo whispers to her. Utahime is quiet at first, but in the end she answers: “Yea.” Gojo moves closer to her and warp s his hands around her., “But you don’t have to worry about it. I also can’t really fall asleep the other nights too, I’m used to it.” She quietly ads. Gojo kisses her to her hair. Poor Utahime. She must feel like a piece of shit.
“Since wo both can’t fall asleep, would you maybe be willing to talk some more?” Gojo asks her. “Talk some more about what?” Utahime asks, already knowing Gojo’s answer. “About what happened on the bridge, about those cuts on your hands and about what’s bothering you.” Utahime does not say anything so far, so Gojo continues to talk. “At first I thought that I shouldn’t bother you about it, that it’s going to be better if we don’t talk about. But I thought about it a litter more, and figured out that if I don’t talk about it with you, you will just trye to kill yourself again.”
“I will trye to do it, even if we talk about it.” Utahime quietly whispers. But Gojo still hears it so he tightens the hug. “But why Uta? Why do you want to kill yourself?” He finally asks her. She is not answering him. “Why do you want to kill yourself Uta?” Gojo repeats his question. He still doesn’t get any answer, but this time he can hear a quiet sobbing. ‘Is she crying?’
Gojo turns her around, so that she’s facing him and so that he can clearly see her face. ‘She is crying.’ He hugs her again: “Shh~, you don’t have to cry Uta.” He whispers to her, in an attempt to make her feel better. “You think that I must be so ungrateful.” She manages to cry out. ‘What?’ “Why would I think that you’re ungrateful, Uta?” Gojo asks her, actually a little confused.
“You have gone through so, so much more. You actually fought with Sukuna, you saw all the people die right in front of your eyes. You literally died, your brain then got replaced Yuta’s and in the and you had to came back to all of this mess. Meanwhile, I didn’t even lift the finger, I didn’t even get to fight. But you know who had to fight Gojo? . . . All of the students did, and all of them were just children.” Gojo eyes widen at the realization. He had no idea that Utahime feels this way.
“I should be the one who’s dead Gojo! Not those children, not those children who have a loving families that have to mourn them now. Those families should not have lost them. I don’t have a loving family, my parents wouldn’t even miss me. And I’m old already, both the jujutsu society and the normal one doesn’t need me anymore. But they did need all of those children. That’s why they should have let me fight! Not those children! I should be the one who got killed in the fight! I deserve to be de-“ Gojo cuts her off by kissing her. He’s heard enough.
He is so mad at himself. He’s so mad at himself for not figuring out sooner. Utahime shouldn’t be dead, he needs her here. He needs her so much, but she doesn’t seem to realize it. “Don’t say that about yourself Uta. It’s not true.” “It is Gojo.” “No, no it’s not. Trust me.” He starts caressing her cheek. “I can’t even say how thankful I am, that they didn’t let you fight, that you are still here with me.” Gojo starts reassuring her.
“Can I let you know on a secret?” Utahime nods. “You know, when they brought me back from death, when I first opened my eyes I thought that you were dead, dead like everyone else. I also wanted to die again. But then Shoko told me that your still in this world, still breathing, still walking on the same ground, still alive. I was just so thankful. The truth is, I can’t imagine living a life without you. When I saw you on the edge of the bridge today my heart froze, I thought I would not be able to make it in time so stop you. If I came there even a second later you would be laying there dead, among the cars.” Gojo also starts crying.
“Just thinking about it makes me sad. But in the end, I am so glad that I manages to make it in time. I am so glad that you’re laying here beside me, still breathing, still alive. Uta promise me the you won’t do it again! Promise me that you won’t even think about cutting yourself again!” He looks strait into her eyes. “I can’t- I can’t promise you that Gojo. I can’t promise you something that I know I’ll have to do.” “Please, please Uta.”
“I can’t.” She looks at him, truly sorry. “Why, why do you have to hurt yourself like this?” Gojo asks her. “Cause it feels like the right thing to do.” “Well, it’s not.” It pisses him off, it pisses him of so much because he knows that Utahime is not the only person that he knows, who feels the similar way. Itadori feels the similar way.
Gojo know that they both need to see a specialist, a psychologist. But they just can’t go to a normal one. They can’t just tell a normal human everything what happened the past year. And it pisses him off, it pisses him off so much. He so scared, he’s so scared right now. Once he’ll have to leave to go back to Tokyo there will not be anyone to watch over Utahime. And considering the state that she’s in right now, she will try to do it again, she will try to kill herself again. She will find a way to hurt herself again, she’ll just go and buy a new knife to cut herself with. He can’t just leave her alone in this state. He just can’t.
“I want to quit, but at the same time I feel like I can’t. I feel like all of the students and sorceress who died just won’t let me.” Utahime breaks Gojo out of his thoughts. “I think that you should quit. Not because you’re weak, but because it’s not good for your mental health.” Gojo says to her. “But what about all of my students, all of them who died.” “Your students wouldn’t want you to suffer like this just because they died. They wouldn’t want you to hurt yourself like this. They wouldn’t want you to kill yourself. Would they, Uta?
Utahime just stays quiet. “I want you to move in with me to Tokyo. I just can’t leave you alone, here in Kyoto.”
“No Gojo, I can’t possibly-“
“Yes you can! Please Uta. If I leave you alone here, I will never forgive myself. Move with me at least for a month.” Utahime looks into his eyes once again. She know that he won’t leave her alone if she just says no. But she’ll just be a burden for him. She’ll just take away from his time. She’ll just-
“Please Uta. I’m too scared about you.”
“Ok.”