Archive of Our Own

He had officially screwed up this time and this was his last chance to get her back. One last trip. One last hurrah. Before they had come to the orient express – of course the one in space – he hadn’t heard anything from Clara in weeks. The Doctor had not dared to call her, fearing he would make it worse or that she would tell him to go away.

While they were heading back to their cabins in silence, he let his time with Clara go by in his mind again and again. It was stuck on repeat and with each and every time he was trying to figure out what to do. How he could make her stay with him.

Instead of an answer to his question, he was just confronted with all his failures and how he had messed things up with Clara since he had changed his face. To say they’d had a rough start together was really a bold understatement. He was not blaming her for struggling with him. The Doctor understood that it must have been hard. But it had been hard for him too. He got a new face. Everything happened so fast. He had needed more time to figure himself out too.

Every change was a new challenge for him but also for the people around him, if there was anyone.

The Doctor was clever however and he had predicted Clara’s struggle and asked her to help him with the face she knew, the face she liked. And luckily for him she stayed. The Doctor was endlessly grateful for that. Even though he was not able to show it.

And that was where the struggle had really begun. He liked her. The Doctor had known that since he had met Clara as governess in Victorian London. It was just something he had no influence on. Never in his life, however, would he have acted on this feeling. He knew his time with Clara was limited. Every time he spent with someone was limited and he just couldn’t bear it again. He had to say goodbye eventually and it broke his heart already. Thus, letting someone getting even closer, crossing this line of friendship would make the final goodbye even worse.

So, he enjoyed her company. Sometimes it felt like the feeling was mutual, but he kept his mouth shut.

It had been fun playing her boyfriend as pretence. That was before everything had gone downhill again. He was bad at goodbyes, so he decided to end it on his terms and had left Clara behind to face his fate alone. But she had come back. She had stayed at his side until the end. Until he changed again.

Somehow this whole boyfriend thing suddenly came back to him after their turbulent first adventure. After he had changed. He knew they had never really talked about it, especially not if there was something going on between them romantically. With his younger face it had felt so real for a second that now with him changed, he was afraid to be told the truth. That she didn’t want him to be her boyfriend. So, he had pre-empted her. Told her that he was not her boyfriend because pretence or not he could not bear the thought of her telling him that they were not a couple ­– because they weren’t.

It was really not fair, the Doctor thought. Again and again, he wondered about his face and why he chose it. And why he had suddenly lost the ability to voice or show his emotions. He had pushed Clara away physically and emotionally without wanting to. Despite what he felt, he was trapped in his new self and could only watch from afar.

However, he had not realized it until the moment P.E. appeared on the scene. A tidal wave of jealousy had flooded his senses. It was in that moment he had realized he should have acted. He should have done something or said something to her.

The Doctor knew he had acted childishly when he had come to her school as caretaker, but he couldn’t help it. The jealous beast inside of him screamed for attention. Only looking at P.E.’s face made him want to go back in time – against all the rules – and punch himself in the face for being a stupid emotionally crippled idiot who had denied his feelings one too many times.

But Clara had stayed with him. She was his best friend after all. She didn’t want to leave his side. But of course, since he had his new face, he just couldn’t stop being an idiot. So, the moon disaster had happened.

The Doctor still didn’t fully understand why Clara had reacted so heavily. He had trusted her judgement and didn’t want to interfere with decisions that were not up to him. The words she had spat at him after that day had burned like fire. When she had slammed the Tardis’ door behind her and left, he really thought that he had lost her forever – that he was alone again.

They had not talked about the time they had spent apart. Clara had wanted to go on one last trip to end this on a more positive note, but she still wanted to end it. This was the Doctor’s last chance to change her mind.

The Doctor didn’t have a plan. Well, that was not new to him, he usually handled everything when it came to it. But his confidence in himself had a little crack when it came to Clara. He felt like he would mess it up no matter what he tried.

Hatred is too strong an emotion on someone you don’t really like….

Despite him really trying to avoid the subject of their fight, the words still echoed through his mind as they were walking in silence. Yes, she liked him. He never doubted that, but did she like him?

Why was it even important? This was not about what could have been way back with his young face, he scolded himself quickly. He just wanted her by his side, no matter how. He could be the best friend. He could make it work. But maybe desperate times called for desperate measures…

“So, what do you think? Did that lady really just die or is there something mysterious going on?”

Clara’s words surprised him. The Doctor had been so lost in thoughts that it felt like he had been talking to himself for hours. In truth it had not even been a minute, but well, his brain was working faster than most.

“Might be nothing. Old ladies die all the time. It’s basically in their job description.” He jumped right back into the case. A case he hadn’t thought Clara wanted to do anyway. But she kept on theorizing about it.

“Anyways,” the Doctor stopped his own thoughts that had spilled out of him like a waterfall, “people just die sometimes. She was over a hundred years old.” He wanted to make a simple point. But well maybe age was not his best argument.

“Says the 2000-year-old man.” Clara shot back with a tiny smile on her lips.

Oh please, she needed to stop looking at him like that. It was not helping him right now.

“You actually sound like you want it to be a thing…” The Doctor stated a bit judgemental. Of course, he would love them to jump right into their next adventure, but Clara was really sending him mixed signals in more than one regard now.

“No…no look,” Clara began, not really convincingly, “I…you…know...if you think there is nothing to worry about then that is fine by me.” She turned away from him and took a few steps towards where her cabin was.

“Are you sure?” The Doctor said and Clara almost interrupted him. “Yes, I’m sure.”

The Doctor didn’t miss out on her bossy undertone.

She eventually turned around and looked at him once more. As they locked eyes, he thought about what to say. Sadness overcame him again.

“To our last hurrah.” He couldn’t make himself sound even a little bit happy. Clara had noticed.

“To our last…yeah, but it’s not like I never see you again.” It was not really a question but also not really a statement. Whatever it was hung in the air between them like a thick veil. The atmosphere got depressing and the Doctor dared to ask what was weighing on his hearts.

“Isn’t it?”

“Is it?” Clara said not really bringing a solution to the problem.

“I thought that was what you wanted.” The Doctor said, pushing further. He sounded cold and serious. If Clara really wanted to go, he didn’t want her to think that he couldn’t cope alone.

Clara closed the distance between them again. Why was she making it so difficult for them?

“No, what I mean. You know you gonna come over for dinner or something aren’t you? Do…do you do that? Do you come around to people’s houses for dinner?” Her voice got very unsteady by the end.

Clara stood very close to him now. She confused him. So, she wanted to leave him but not really? What was she talking about?

He took a second to reply. “Of course. Why wouldn’t I do that?” His voice sounded unaffected, but his mind was screaming, thinking of what to do. Was he saying the right things? Was he screwing this up again? What was her intention? Why was she talking about dinner?

“I thought you might find it boring?” Clara said casually but her eyes were fixed on him with an intensity that made him shudder.

“Is it boring?” He asked and Clara didn’t hesitate to say “No.”

The tension in the air got thicker and he felt hotter with every second. Were they really talking about dinner? Because right now, the Doctor felt like this was about them. On a very weird level, they might be talking about their relationship.

The bad news was that he had been wrong one too many times when it came to Clara. He said the wrong things. He did the wrong things. He made her angry.

She was still looking at him with these wide round eyes that made him go crazy for many reasons. And he was still looking at her. This was way too long when it came to eye contact. This was not normal.

But he couldn’t look away and in these few seconds, thousands of thoughts crossed his mind but one pushed its way to the front.

Kiss her or you might never get the chance.

It was only a thought. A thought that had crossed his mind not for the first time. Until now he had been really good at pushing the idea away to the back of his mind where it lurked to come out again. It was like one of these crazy thoughts someone had but never acted upon. But he was the Doctor and he acted on crazy thoughts all the time. What was the difference?

For one he would look like a total hypocrite, telling her that he was no hugger but then just kiss her. Then, she had a boyfriend now and maybe he was misreading the signals all together.

So, what happened next was maybe the most embarrassing thing he had done in a while, but his emotions had somehow overruled his logic. Without thinking, he grabbed her shoulder with his free hand gently, leaned down and kissed her on the lips.

It was an innocent kiss. Nothing else. He had kissed her like that many times on the forehead when he had looked younger. No big deal!

Clara didn’t move. But she also didn’t move away. It lasted only for a second and the Doctor decided that this was the worst idea ever and quickly began to speak.

“Well, off you go. Good night. See you in the morning.”

He didn’t dare to look at Clara and vanished into his cabin.

They didn’t talk about the kiss. Well, mainly because they got distracted by the invisible mummy killing people on the orient express. And the Doctor was very thankful for it. And luck was back on his side, because by the end of their trip, Clara decided to stay.

*-------------------------------------------------------*

Having Clara back at his side was great. Everything went back to normal somehow. Well normal was not a term he would use for himself or his situation usually. But in this case, he was wondering what other word would be more fitting.

They were travelling together, and Clara seemed to have such a great time as if their fight had never happened or their conversation on the train. The Doctor was especially thankful for the latter. He wanted to erase that memory from his and her mind if he could. What had he been thinking?

He was still stuck with P.E though, but the Doctor was happy that he didn’t need to see him, and that Clara never seemed to talk about him after she had announced that he was fine with her traveling with the Doctor.

However, the Doctor was not happy about Clara being with him, but he would not bring that up again. He was not going to screw up what they had. If he was supposed to be the best friend, he would do just that. And he would be the best best friend Clara could even imagine. There was nothing she could do to him that would make him leave her side.

The Doctor was convinced he could make it work, however, in the end it was him who started another conversation that was never supposed to happen. It was his own fault because his smugness was again not working in his favour.

It was after one of their adventures – the one where he had been stuck in the Tardis and Clara was alone out in the field – he had really not been a fan of that. During their adventure it suddenly became clear that Danny did know nothing about Clara travelling with him. She was lying to his face, or in this case on the phone. They had talked about it shortly but there had been more important things that needed to be handled first.

But the moment the Doctor realised it, a strange rush of satisfaction made him shiver. She was lying to her so-called boyfriend to be with him. For a being as old as him it was beyond childish to feel happy about that but well, he couldn’t help it but be pleased.

After the crisis was over and it was time to bring Clara back home, he should’ve just stayed quiet. They should not have talked about it. But his emotions once again overruled his logic. This was really becoming a problem.

“So, you’re lying to soldier boy about me.” The Doctor began and pushed some buttons on the Tardis console to get them going.

“I’m not going to discuss this with you again, Doctor.” Clara had turned around. She had that look on her face. She was not happy about him mentioning it again.

Well, he could have stopped there and drop it, but his ego wouldn’t allow him, so he dug deeper and continued.

“It just doesn’t make sense. And I don’t like it if things don’t make sense. You told me that P.E. is fine with us travelling together, so why are you lying to him, Clara?”

Clara’s look on her face got even more serious but now it was already too late. Slowly the Doctor switched the lever back, so the Tardis would not take off yet.

“It’s none of your business, Doctor. It’s not like I’m doing something bad here. I’m merely protecting him.” Clara elaborated and thus contradicting her own words.

“Ohh, you’re protecting soldier boy. From whom? Me?” It sounded maybe a bit too sassy, but he couldn’t help it anymore. He just couldn’t bear thinking about that man getting so much attention from Clara.

“Stop calling him that. His name is Danny and just for the record...again...the world doesn’t revolve about you all the time. Neither does mine by the way.”

That hurt. But the Doctor wouldn’t show it.

“I’m sorry…I’m just wondering why Danny would need any protection. I hate to repeat myself, but it doesn’t add up. That’s all.”

Now Clara laughed. It was not a happy laugh. She was mocking him.

“Don’t do that. Just don’t.” She came a step closer. Then she sounded slightly more friendly again. “I don’t want him to worry. That is all. What I do in my free time is none of his business and the same goes for you when I’m with him. Do you understand?”

Of course he understood. Clara didn’t want to talk about it, which made it even harder for the Doctor to stop because he thought he was onto something. Clara was hiding the truth from him. And he wanted her to say it. 

“I do understand, Clara. I’m not stupid.” He began and regretted it immediately.

“Oh, you aren’t? I think you behave very stupid right now. And you’re not a good friend either.” She shot at him.

“I’m worrying about you. How is that not being a good friend?” He replied quickly and avoided eye contact, fiddling with the Tardis console again.

“Oh no. Don’t turn this around and pretend you’re the good guy here. You never liked Danny.” Clara was getting angrier. He could hear it in her voice. He should stop now. He didn’t want to fight. He was risking their friendship. Who knew if she would come back again this time?

“This jealousy act of yours is getting out of hand. Let it go!”

She had said it and obviously she was completely right, but nothing in the world would make the Doctor accept that. Instead, he turned the argument against her. Two could play that game. Maybe it was finally time to talk about it. Now it was already too late anyway.

“Wait, wait. Let me see. So, you’re dating P.E, I mean Danny,” he quickly corrected himself, “and at the same time you run off with a mysteriously handsome Time Lord, who he obviously doesn’t approve of, and you decide to do it anyway and just lie to him. I mean the case is clear, don’t you think?”

His hearts were beating in his chest like crazy. Why had he said that? He scolded himself. He was an idiot. He was risking everything they had because he so desperately wanted Clara to feel the same way about him that he felt about her. And he wasn’t even planning on telling her about his feelings. This whole conversation was doomed to fail.

Clara’s face had lost all its colour, and she took a second before she answered to his last words. And it was not what he had expected.

“You kissed me on that train. So, I believe the case is clear, don’t you think?” She mimicked his words and looked at him challengingly.

That was bad. The Doctor had hoped that this horrible kiss would never be mentioned again, but maybe he deserved it.

“I have no idea what you’re talking about.” He played dumb. Nothing or no one would make him talk about this. It had been embarrassing and stupid.

Luckily for him, she did not push the subject any further, but she was not done yet either.

“Oh, and how about your absolute inappropriate behaviour in my school, Mr. Caretaker! I remember the look on your face when you found out I was dating Danny and not that wannabe clone of your former self.” She made a pause to get some air. She was fuming now. He knew it was a sensible topic for him but the same was true for Clara, so it seemed.

She approached him, one finger pointing at him and despite the fact that she was much smaller than him, he stumbled backwards.

“I’m so done with this. Stop trying to put me in a corner. Stop trying to have the upper hand in this. You’re unbelievable.”

She had followed him half around the Tardis console by now. Clara was turning everything around now. Now it was her asking the questions and calling the shots again. Well, the Doctor was not surprised. It was usually that way with her.

"So, tell me, Doctor. Because I will not say another word to you about this until you’re honest with me. And don’t you dare lie to me. Why do you hate Danny so much? Why can I not be with him?"

Clara was furious now and maybe a bit hysterical. However, the Doctor was not willing to give in yet. He couldn’t.

"Because he's a soldier." He said with an annoyed face already knowing that Clara would see through it. At this point in their conversation, it was not enough a reason to behave like the way he did.

"That's bullshit and you know it. Try again!" She said and came a bit closer. This time the Doctor didn’t back away.

He really wanted this conversation to stop now. He didn't want to talk about this anymore. Not now, not like this. Or maybe just never. But like the idiot he was he had brought up the whole Danny topic in the first place. Feeling too pleased with himself that Clara would lie to her precious boyfriend to be with him.

"He’s just not good enough for you. Period." The Doctor said with more emphasis.

"That's not the real reason and you know it. Please stop treating me like I'm stupid!"

The Doctor had his back to the wall, well to the Tardis console. She obviously knew what was going on. That was already clear, but she wanted to hear it from him. And he didn't want that. Some part of him still clung to the idea of pretending that everything was normal.

"I really don't know what you want me to say, Clara." He tried in one last attempt to get her off the topic. It was in vain.

"Oh yes you do." Clara said and finally the Doctor snapped and spoke with more aggression than necessary.

"Fine. I'm jealous of him! Is that what you wanted to hear? Nobody else will be good enough for you because they're not me!"

Heat spread from his right cheek. Clara had slapped him in the face the second the words had left his lips.

“Clara!” He exclaimed and held his hand to the spot to cool it and then looked at her again. She was still angry, but there were also tears forming in her eyes. If from her anger or sadness he couldn’t tell.

“Why didn’t you say something earlier, you stupid idiot!” She yelled at him.

The truth was in the open now and the Doctor felt the bad need to explain himself. It would make everything right again. She would understand his feelings then and why he had behaved the way he had done.

“I was never supposed to say anything because it doesn’t matter what I feel or how I feel about you.” He began defensively. “You are not feeling the same for me anyway and I never expected you to.”

Why couldn’t she see that he was the loser in that whole scenario. Everything would have been fine if Clara had not dated anyone. But of course, that was naïve of him to think.

“You don’t have any say in what I feel and don’t.” Clara began, not as hysterical as before. But still mad.

“You were the one telling me that you’re not my boyfriend. You closed that door, not me.” She added and the Doctor hated to be reminded of that day. It made him hate his new face and made him angry too.

“Well, what was I supposed to say after the way you looked at me. You were cross at me for changing my face…”

But Clara didn’t let him continue.

“I was cross for many things but not for that. But excuse me that I needed a moment to adjust to the fact that the person that matters the most to me in the universe changed his whole appearance from a young man to you!”

The Doctor knew deep down that she didn’t mean it as an insult, but it was enough to trigger all the insecurity he had held close to his hearts about his new face when it came to Clara. He felt confirmed in the fact that all his fears and worries were true after all. Maybe she had loved him once but now she just couldn’t.

“I know. Look at me. I’m old.” He waved his hands in the air dramatically. “Yes, I’m old Clara. I always was.” He got away from the console and her to get some space and then he did something he had sworn to himself, since he met Clara the first time, he would never do. Talk about his feelings. How had it come to this point?

“I always liked you, Clara. And you were taken from me too many times. So, I enjoyed every precious moment we had together. It was always so easy with you. I could hold you in my arms, take your hand and even share some innocent kisses with you. And at times I thought you might make a move and I was wondering if I could resist it and keep being friends.”

He avoided eye contact now and was looking at the Tardis console instead. How many times had he talked to himself here? Imagining Clara would hear him?

The Doctor was thankful that she kept quiet and let him speak.

“And then you asked me to be your fake boyfriend. I believed we were almost crossing a line and I was not ready, so I pushed you away to face my fate alone. I’d rather be away from you than lose you again.”

He made a pause and gulped – remembering his time alone. Never had he stopped thinking about her.

“You came back. You really came back to me. You made me the happiest and saddest man in the universe that day.“

He made another pause. Talking was usually his strong suit but now his mouth went dry, and he had a lump in his throat.

“You were with me when I changed. I didn’t want you to see it. I remember the look on your face. I’m sorry Clara. I wished I could have stayed the young dashing man for you. But that is not how it works…”

He dared to look at her again.

“I told you I’m not your boyfriend because I wanted to spare you the humiliation to tell me that you could not be with me looking like this.” He gestured at his face again.

“I know I’m bad at this whole touchy-feely stuff. It used to be easy. It is not anymore…” The Doctor was finished and wished to disappear into thin air now.

The silence was maybe even worse than Clara yelling at him. Maybe he shouldn’t have told her all of that. Clara began to shake her head.

“I really want to slap you again…” She was more speaking to herself, then she looked up at him.

“I will not tell you that you’re right because you’re not. But I understand you. I’m just really confused why you kept pushing me before if you’re so convinced that I am so opposed to the idea of you and me,” she hesitated, “of you and me being together romantically.” Clara settled on and added, “you bloody kissed me on that train.” She thrust her hands at his chest and pushed him away. He stumbled a step backwards. He knew he deserved it.

“I shouldn’t have done that.” The Doctor would not deny it again. It was no use anyway.

“No!” Clara shouted again. “You should have done it earlier! Now everything is so much more complicated!”

The anger aimed at him was suddenly soothed by the message behind it. This time he understood, and he dared to ask his first question again.

“Why did you lie to Danny about us travelling together again?”

Now was Clara’s turn to beat around the bush because despite already confessing she did not directly answer his question. Well, at least not in the way he had hoped anyway.

“Because I’m a bad person.” Clara was not looking at him, but she locked eyes with the Doctor once more when she spoke again. “You said it yourself just before we came in here. Goodness had nothing to do with it.”

The Doctor actually needed a second to understand what she was referring to. Then it eventually clicked, and he answered. “That’s not what I meant. I was talking about you doing what I do… If you think about it, it should mean that I’m a bad person, not you.”

For a second his own inner struggle about if he was a good man tried to fight his way back up, but he pushed it away. He knew this was not the place to bring it up.

“It doesn’t matter…” Clara began again, and finally spoke the truth – a truth the Doctor had wished to hear. However, in his head he had imagined it differently.

“I was lying to Danny because I didn’t want him to know because I think he knows how I feel about you. But I’m… or maybe I was convinced that there was never something going to happen between us, I thought it was okay.” She swiped away the tear from her cheek. “I know you don’t like to hear that but I care about Danny a lot,“ Clara was right, it still stung, “and maybe I got a bit too greedy. I wanted to have both. I wanted Danny and you in my life. So, I lied to you both. There you go, I’m a bad person.” Clara ended on a way angrier note which weirdly enough calmed the Doctor since it was so much more like herself.

For a few seconds, nobody said a word. The Doctor had gotten what he wanted. Clara had said what he had wished to hear, but he was not sure how to feel about it now. It was all wrong somehow. This was more than bad timing.

“I’m really sorry.” He began and wished he would have the courage to take her hand. It was ridiculous how hard he was struggling. But right now, he felt it was something else holding him back.

“I’m sorry I brought us into this situation. I shouldn’t have pushed you. It was selfish and childish.” Under different circumstances Clara would have mocked him for his words but the absence of it made him aware that this was serious.

“No, don’t be.” There was a hesitant smile forming on her face and she came a step closer. “I wish it happened, well not like this, but I’m happy now I know how you feel.” The smile grew once more. “And I’m happy to hear that you feel that way, even though I can’t believe you thought I would judge you by your new face. That hurt.”

The Doctor was listening silently not sure what would happen now. He just stood still and then watched as Clara reached out with her hand and eventually laid it on his cheek carefully. This time he didn’t feel the need to back away. It felt nice and he was glad that Clara crossed that invisible line for them.

“I have a selfish request. And you do not have to do it if you do not feel comfortable about it.” Clara began, not taking her hand away yet.

“What is it?” The Doctor asked both curious and nervous now.

“Would you kiss me again?” Clara asked carefully.

He was taken off guard. Heat rushed through every cell of his body but before he was able to say a word Clara added, “no, wait. Let me ask again. Would you let me kiss you?”

This time he managed to answer straight away. “What difference does it make?”

“Well, I want to make things easier for you. You said you’re not good at this, so let me help you and secondly, I want to prove to you that I like you no matter what face you have. You’re still the Doctor for me. My Doctor.”

Said Doctor was overflown with joy. He didn’t feel like he deserved this, but he was endlessly thankful for Clara. She brought out the worst in him but the best too.

“My Clara.” He said lovingly and for the first time since he had regenerated, he wanted to be very close to her, physically. Then he nodded.

The Doctor could hear the beating of his hearts so loud he hoped Clara couldn’t hear it too. But there was not much time to overthink the situation. Clara tilted her head and while she reached up, he instinctively lowered his own head until they met in the middle and kissed.

Clara’s lips were warm and soft. Last time he hadn’t really realised it. He had been too embarrassed about the whole thing and regretted it the moment he had dared to do it. But it was one of the things that had led them here. So, he would happily live with that memory now.

The kiss was innocent and loving. The Doctor carefully put his hand on Clara’s shoulder seeking even more body contact and her hand had now found its way to his neck.

They ended the kiss completely naturally. Everything felt right this time. The Doctor even caught himself thinking about kissing her again or taking her into his arms and never letting her go. But for now, he resisted because not everything was settled yet.

Clara looked at him with a smile taking his hand into hers. “That was nice. I wish we could’ve done this under different circumstances.”

The Doctor knew that Clara had not forgotten about Danny just like him. He was still standing there next to them, and the Doctor hated it.

After a few seconds of silence, the Doctor broke it eventually. “What do you want to do now?” He didn’t know what he should say to make things better. He knew he could not be mean about Danny. It would be rather counterproductive and this time he was making sure he didn’t screw things up.

“Bring me back home, please. I think I owe Danny the truth.”

It was all he needed to hear. Slowly, he let go of her hand and with a few adjustments to the Tardis console they were on their way back. This time right place and right time. He would do what Clara would ask of him and whatever the outcome of her talk with Danny would be, the Doctor would be there for her.

They didn’t talk about their fight or about their confessions or about the kiss on their way. They would talk about it again, but the Doctor knew that Clara needed to get the weight off her chest first and talk to her boyfriend.

When they finally arrived, Clara went to the exit to leave the Tardis, but the Doctor approached her again and took her hand. A surprised look showed on her face quickly, then she smiled. It was a sad smile, but he didn’t blame her. Not this time.

“What are you doing?” Her eyes glanced at his hand then at him.

“I’m adjusting to this.” He squeezed her hand and smiled. Maybe this was the wrong time and place again, but he wanted to do it as long as it felt natural to him since he had changed.

“Doctor, I will do this alone.” She said and her bossy nature showed a bit.

“I know, I know. Of course.” His body was still pumped with adrenaline from before and without thinking about it he brought the back of her hand to his lips and then added.

“Please come back to me soon.”

“I’ll give you a call.” Clara tried to sound cheerful, but it seemed like the talk ahead of her was conquering her emotions. Thus, the Doctor let her go, staying behind in the Tardis waiting for a call from his impossible girl.

*---------------------------------------------------*

Clara didn’t waste any time after the Doctor had dropped her off at her place. She knew it was no use waiting for the appropriate moment to talk to Danny. It was already too late for that anyway. So, she phoned him, and they met. Clara had promised to tell him the whole truth and that is what she did. She didn’t leave out one tiny bit.

It was horrible to see Danny’s face when he realised what she was telling him. He was heartbroken and even though he wouldn’t see it that way, Clara was too. She liked Danny a lot and she never had wanted to hurt him.

But now, she had – a lot and it showed. Danny was sad, he was angry, disappointed and worst of all also a bit understanding. Clara didn’t feel like she deserved this.

Danny and Clara had talked for hours, cried and also fought a bit. In the end they made the decision together and Clara was thankful for that. She didn’t know if she would have had the strength to end it by herself.

So, they broke up. It was the only logical thing to do. And even though Clara knew she had the Doctor to return too, she was immensely hurt. It was the right decision, so why couldn’t she stop crying and being sad?

It was almost midnight when Clara came back home to her own flat. Luckily it was the weekend, and she would not need to get to work tomorrow. Clara had no idea how she could go back to school anyway. This whole break up was bad enough but they would still see each other every day at work. It was not something she was looking forward to.

Clara hid in bed the whole Saturday, barely eating anything. She felt too miserable. Tears came to her every now and then. She knew her situation wasn’t as bad as it felt right now, but she was not willing to play that card yet. Clara wanted to do this right. In a weird way she was happy that she felt this bad. It showed her that Danny had really meant something to her, and she was still protecting him by not calling the Doctor immediately after they had broken up – even though Danny would never know, and she was just punishing herself with it.

Saturday made way for Sunday and Clara was still in bed. The only thing she managed to do was taking a shower in the morning but afterwards she had found her way back under the bedsheets. It was usually not like her to do nothing. She knew she should call the Doctor to stop her suffering, but something held her back. It was stupid and she knew it.

But thankfully, the one person that meant everything to her in this universe would always come to her when she needed him the most. Clara loved it when the Doctor did what she told him – he was right she was a control freak – but at the same time she loved him for ignoring her words once in a while. So, when she heard the swooshing sound of the Tardis materializing, she swiped away her tears and got out of bed.

*------------------------------------------------------------*

The Doctor didn’t dare to open the Tardis door. He knew he was not supposed to be here. He had promised to wait for Clara to call but he was sick of waiting and being away from her now after they had finally talked.

As far as he was concerned, he had no idea how much time had passed since she had left. It could have been a month, two weeks or maybe just five minutes. It didn’t matter anyway because for the Doctor it had felt like an eternity.

He was debating with himself if he should leave the Tardis or stay here at the console like an idiot, but the decision was taken from him when the door opened carefully, and Clara appeared. The Doctor walked two steps forward and then stopped. Clara looked at him and he could see her red tear-swollen eyes. His mind was racing, making sense of this, desperately hoping he was not the reason for it. Thus, frozen in place, he watched Clara getting closer to him determinedly and before he could open his mouth to apologize for his intrusion she stumbled into his arms and hugged him tightly.

The way she desperately grabbed his back with her hands and how she snuggled her head against his chest told him that everything was okay between them. That in this moment there was only them. So, he embraced her lovingly one hand on her back the other stroking her hair in comfort.

The Doctor couldn’t tell how long they stayed like this, but eventually Clara freed herself and stepped away – not without taking his hand and holding it though.

“Doctor,” she began and wiped away her tears, “you came.” Clara smiled and it made him incredibly happy.

“I always have your back. Don’t you remember?” He thought about their first adventure after he had changed. Everything had been so difficult, and he had feared it might never change again, but for once he was lucky about being wrong. Never again would he give Clara any reason to doubt him.

“I know.” Clara answered and her smile grew even wider. It was contagious because now he smiled too. Maybe grinning like an idiot was the more appropriate description. What Clara said next only added to that.

“Let’s go away for a while. I don’t want to get back to work soon.” The Doctor knew the reason why but for once he didn’t mind the elephant in the room who would soon fade away anyway.

Clara was about to pull him closer to the console, but suddenly his feelings and his newfound need to have her close to him took over and so he brought Clara back to him.

Then he grabbed her head with both hands and placed a kiss on her forehead. It was his way of telling her that he was okay with physical touch by doing what his last regeneration had done so many times. And it did not fail its purpose.

Clara giggled and looked at him. “What was that?” It was half teasing half serious.

“What? I used to do that all the time.” The Doctor shot back a bit defensively but more as banter than anything else.

“It’s the first time you do it though.” Clara said cheerfully and touched his face caringly. With every second that passed by, the Doctor could see her tears and sadness disappearing.

“Do you want me to stop? All the time you seemed so desperate to hug me and now you push me away?” He was teasing her, and Clara knew it.

“I was not desperate.” She replied offendedly but jokingly and took a step back.

“Whatever you say.” The Doctor said and was taken off guard when Clara closed the gap between them again quickly.

“Seriously though. I’m happy you feel that way. I missed that.”

“I missed you, Clara Oswald.” He said before he could stop himself from doing it.

And then as if it was the most natural thing in the universe they kissed. All their fights and disagreements were forgotten in this moment and the Doctor didn’t need any more confessions from Clara to know what this kiss meant. There was no more hiding or excuses why this would or could not work. Nothing mattered because they were finally together.