Chapter Text
1
Gale is holding me tightly in his arms, whispering some last minute advice into my ear. Barely listening, I cling to my best friend with all my strength, creasing his shirt between clenched fingers.
The clock on the wall keeps ticking, our time is running low.
Finally, Gale pulls away a little and releases his hold on my waist, only to cup my face in his palms. He leans so close our noses almost touch, his eyes burning into mine with intensity I've never seen before.
"Catnip, whatever you do, just come back. Come back to me. Please." He's talking too fast, fighting to keep his voice steady. He pauses for a moment, taking a deep breath. "Whatever you do, remember... I love you."
I stare at him, wide-eyed and speechless, willing myself to do something, anything to prevent our last moments together from passing in awkward silence. On impulse, I rise to my tiptoes and press my lips against his cheek, just before the door opens, and the Peacekeepers pour in to rip us apart forever.
For a few more seconds I watch the mix of surprise, hope and despair on his face, then the door bangs closed and the Peacekeepers drag him away. Gale's last look remains etched into my memory and floods my heart with resolve. I will let the love I saw shining so brightly in his eyes to be my guiding light and bring me back home. Back into his arms.
Maybe then I'll bring myself to answer.
2
During the long, lonely days at the beginning of the Games, I missed having someone at my back, someone to help me live through the painful, endless hours. I thought I just hated being so utterly alone in the midst of constant danger.
But even after teaming up with Rue, a sense of unbearable loneliness still lingered, like a particular piece was missing.
Now I'm cooped up with Peeta in a tiny cave - not alone, I couldn't catch a moment alone even if I wanted to - but my secret longing remains. Only now I realize what I truly miss: being with Gale. I've grown so accustomed to his company during the last four years that I miss him like I would miss a part of my own body and mind.
My heart clenches when I realize that I'm betraying Peeta, defiling the illusion we'd created by thinking about another man. He deserves better, a girl who would return his love without hesitation. Yet truly returning his love would mean betraying Gale on my part, and I find that prospect even more unbearable. Even when I might never see him again.
I suspect I may love Gale but the idea scares me so much I never dared to admit it, not even to him alone.
I suspect I may not love Peeta , but here I am pretending otherwise for the whole Panem to see, because pretending is our only chance to escape the Games together. Maybe I cannot give him my heart, but I still owe him my life. And I need to keep playing the Game if I want to win a chance to repay my debt.
Recalling the last image of Gale's face that I bear with me like a secret token, more precious than the golden mockingjay pin, I desperately wish for a chance to return and explain myself. He'll have to understand I'm doing what I need to survive, otherwise my trust in him would be mistaken.
I'll cross that bridge if - when! - I live to get there.
I take a deep breath.
"I love you, Peeta."
The words slip out easily. My tongue cooperates when my heart does not.
I lean down to kiss him, because that's what girls in love do, because it might impress Haymitch and the sponsors, and because the look of genuine joy in his eyes makes my heart ache so much I cannot bear to look at it any longer.
Seconds later, a parachute softly descends to the opening of the cave, hopefully bringing our chance to make it home alive.
Before I get up to retrieve it, secretly I wish I'd kissed Gale on the lips before leaving and found out what a real kiss feels like.
3
Peeta asks me about my most pleasant memory. Taken aback by his question, I open and close my mouth like a fish out of water. I swallow dryly and think hard.
My choices are rather limited, life in the Seam doesn't offer many experiences worth remembering fondly.
I've felt most alive only beyond the fence, in the vast freedom of the woods. But I cannot breathe a single word about the happiness I'd found there. The old memories from my childhood, memories of my father, of mother's happiness and a tiny Prim, are too sacred to share with the Capitol audience.
And all the recent ones revolve around Gale, the first to come to my mind are the small, warm moments when the bond between us felt deeper that a friendship could. I keep them well hidden, like secret treasures that I hardly dare to examine:
The time when I twisted my knee and Gale carried me home, the winter mornings when we cuddled together to ward off the cold, the lazy summer afternoons we spent fishing under the sun…
No, any of these would ruin the illusion of my relationship with Peeta, and could lead to our deaths. I cannot allow that to happen. I need to get us home. I need to return to my sister. To my mother. And to Gale.
Finally, I remember how we bought a goat for Prim and consider the idea for a second, but then I change my mind… even this memory involves Gale and I together, poaching and trading at the Hob. I could even endanger him and both our families by mentioning it.
Then the right inspiration finally strikes.
"Your interview. When you said you liked me," I blurt out, hoping to sound like a flustered girl in love, not a shameless liar struggling to survive.
And hope that Gale and only Gale would see the ghost of his own face in my eyes and recall the very memories I'm trying to silence.
Peeta seems placated by my answer, and dutifully beams for the benefit of the audience. I act too exhausted for more conversation, and curl up with my back tightly pressed against him.
I close my eyes and pretend to fall asleep, but in the privacy of my own mind, beyond the reach of the cameras and microphones, I remember...