Chapter Text
Best Vampire Competition
(Proposed but unused Skit for SheaCon 2024)
Mains: Killian, Considine, Aristide
Real People: Kitty, Cindy, Roger
Minor: Hazel, Paragon, Jade, Momo, Baldwin, Auberi, Aimee Emerys, Angel, Stil, Hunter, Dave
Killian: Good Morning, Ladies and Gentleman. As you all know, I am Killian Drake, Eminence of the Midwest, Vampire Representative for the Midwest Regional Committee of Magic. Thank you all for attending this year’s Vampires Elevation Symposium.
Kitty: Vampire…what?
Killian: Vampire Elevation Symposium, our convention for improving Vampire rights and opportunities in the Midwest and regions beyond, as well as to get some of you troglodytes up to speed with modern technology.
Kitty : Hold on. Killian, I’m sorry, but this is not the Vampire fascination elevation…thing. Whatever. This is Sheacon. You know…where we celebrate K.M. Shea—
Kit: And A.M. Sohma!
Kitty: Yes, thank you Kit…anyway, K.M. Shea and A.M. Sohma books. That includes Magiford but…I mean, it’s only a part of the convention.
Killian: Hm…Well, Ms. Shea, I believe you are mistaken—
Aristide : Ah, yes. That would be Killian, having the audacity to tell his own author that she’s wrong.
Kitty: Wait—Aristide?
Aristide: Hello, Ms. Shea. Lovely to see you—so to speak.
Killian: Oh, goodie. The background character has appeared.
Aristide: Background character? Excuse me? I’m practically the star of GoMaP, I’ll have you know.
Killian: Clearly you are blinded by your own self-perceived brilliance.
Aristide: And yet I didn’t fall for an elf in a fae costume.
Considine: Now, now, children.
Killian: Oh, for goodness sake.
Considine: Hello, Killian. I’m sure you’ve missed me.
Killian : Considine, the only good thing about your interruption is now I know where you are.
Aristide: I may be blind but I could recognize that smug voice anywhere.
Considine: Aristide, how lovely to see you.
Aristide: We’ve already made that joke.
Considine: It bears repeating.
Aristide : Well, I can see arrogance runs in the family.
Considine: you just said:—
Aristide: Third time’s the charm.
Considine: Regardless, I am offended by that.
Killian: As am I, for the record.
Considine: Exactly. I would never have such poor judgment as to be part of Killian’s family.
Killian: Wow. That’s not hurtful.
Considine : You’re Killian. You don’t have feelings, you have plots.
Killian: I rescind my objection and concur with this point as accurate.
Aristide: That explains why Killian nearly lost his beloved in his Book 2.
Killian: Hey now.
Considine: He’s just a child, Aristide. It’s only natural he’s bad at flirting.
Kilian: This has taken a wild turn.
Considine: I wasn’t there to teach him.
Killian: Oh, that’s rich.
Considine: Did you know he made Rupert watch hallmark movies as research?
Killian: It was a good idea at the time!
Aristide : So what I’m hearing is you’re both hopeless.
Killian: I got the girl!
Aristide: Like father, like son.
Considine and Killian: We’re not related!
Aristide: This is why I’m everyone’s favorite vampire.
Considine : A-Haaa! That’s funny. I could swear you said you’re everyone’s favorite vampire.
Aristide: It’s such a shame when the elderly lose their hearing with age.
Kitty: Actually I don’t think I ever said who is older—
Aristide: Let me be clear: I did say that, and I am. The favorite, that is.
Considine: <snorts> Ah, well then you’re just wrong.
Killian: Please stop.
Considine: Or delusional.
Kitty: My own characters are talking over me. Why do they never listen?
Killian: Hang on—what do I say next? No. No. Absolutely not.
Paragon: What is it, bestie?
Killian: <dismissively> Go home, Paragon. <refocused> I refuse to say this. Who wrote this script?
Hazel: Script? Ha ha. What script?
Killian: THIS script.
Considine: Way to kill the magic, Killian.
Aristide: No, that’s the shadow organization–maaaaaaybe.
Hazel : <whisper yelling> It’s a skit. Just read the script, Killian.
Killian : It says “he’s gone batty,” Hazel. What is this nonsense?I have standards .
Paragon: I bet I have a tea that could help with that.
EVERYONE: NO!
Paragon: Hmph! You’re no fun.
Considine : <stealing the show back> Back to more important matters—me—have you seen my book sales? We launched to the top. Clearly I’m everyone’s favorite vampire.
Aristide: That’s only because you came on the heels of my established audience.
Killian: Just a reminder that I’d like to get back to my speech sometime this century…
Aristide: Also, some would say I even outshone the lead characters with my humorous banter. I dare say that proves I’m the favorite.
Killian: This is ridiculous.
Considine: It is not. You're just mad you would lose, Killian.
Killian: I would not. I started the whole universe. By default that makes me everyone's favorite.
Considine: Are not.
Killian: Am too. Watch. Hazel? Who’s your favorite?
Hazel: Killian, so long as we’re not talking about RCom business.
Considine: That’s not fair. Of course Hazel would say that, you're married.
Killian: Paragon?
Paragon: Killian.
Considine: Practically married.
Killian: WHAT?
Considine: Stop asking your spouses.
Paragon: Killian and I are besties!
Killian: Please stop talking.
Considine: Fine. Jade?
Jade: Killian.
Considine: YOU WOUND ME, MY LOVE.
Jade: You’ll heal.
Considine: Will you nurse me back to health at least?
Jade: I’ll ask Grove to make you a healing potion.
Considine: <GASP.>
Aristide: Perhaps we should expand this clearly scientific and rigorously structured survey beyond your loved ones? Poll some other wizards, or races…or anyone, maybe?
Considine: Fine. Aimee, Auberi, Baldwin, between Killian and I—
Aristide: Hey now, there are three of us—
Considine: Who is the best?
Auberi : I thought you weren't asking loved ones?
Considine: Why do you think I’m asking you three?
Baldwin: Ouch. Oh wait, I don’t like you either.
Killian: I’m texting Margarida that you’ve hereby acknowledged you love her. She’ll be so pleased. *Beep beep* Ah, she says “Love you too, sire!” with multiple disgusting emoticon hearts in the message.
Hazel: You don’t like the emoticon hearts, Killian?
Killian: Not when they aren’t from you, love.
Considine: Quiet, all of you! Now, you three: Killian or I, who is the best?
Aime, Auberi, Baldwin,: <together> Killian.
Considine: Really? Did I mention I was looking at your financials—
Aime , Auberi, Baldwin <tripping over each other> Oh wait, thought you said WASN’T the best. You meant WAS the best? That would be Considine, clearly Considine, etc. You’re the best not-sire. Truly the greatest.
Killian: Threats are cheating. Those votes are invalid.
Aristide: Perhaps we ask a non family member. Who else’s heartbeat do I recognize…ah yes, Momoko?
Momoko: < In a small voice> ...Josh.
<beat of silence>
Hazel: <squeals> I KNEW IT!
Considine: Killian, your parenting is failing.
Auberi: I think I'm going to be sick.
Aristide : I can hear her blushing.
Hazel: Ahhhh Momo! I’m so happy for you. Quick, tell me everything. How is it going? When did it start?
Considine: What is this, a Twilight thing?
Killian: You have no room to talk, old man.
Aristide: I do hope someone is recording this for the next public Cloisters meeting. I know what I want to add to the agenda.
Hazel: I don't understand?
Aristide: Oh, we should totally have a public showing of this. We can make a whole thing of it; that night queen of yours could even sell tickets.
Leila: Did someone say money?
<Collective groans>
Killian: No, no one said anything about money.
Leila: Are you sure? I could swear I heard something.
Killian: If we say “funding” three times, she appears.
Hazel: Leila!
Leila: Hazel!
Considine: Rigel!
<Everyone quiet>
Considine: Not that I care, I just presume he's here...somewhere...
Killian: We are getting off topic again.
Leila: In this crowd? Surprise, surprise. Where are the moderators when you need them?
Cindy: Mod squad is perusing the channels. They don’t have time to be drawn into your shenanigans.
Roger: Yeah! We don’t have time to be drawn into your shenanigans! Unless it involves zombies—because let me tell you, when THOSE get added to Magiford—
Cindy : Rog, zombies are not getting added to Magiford…or are they? Spoilers, can’t say anything either way. This is a convenient place for our disclaimer that humorous banter between characters should not be taken as confirmation of any significant plot twists, characters, or literary developments despite their occurrence at SheaCon—
Leila: Ugh. Disclaimers. Dion got to her.
Considine : We still haven’t settled who is the best and I’d like to get back to —
Emerys: The best? Why that would be ME of course!
Aristide: Who are you?
Emerys: Emerys, or Themerysaldi, King of the Elves.
Aristide: <Snorts> No you aren’t. What faction do you represent?
Emerys: Er…Alabaster?
Aristide: Where in the blazes is that?
Emerys: The Continent?
Killian: Which Continent?
Emerys: …The?
Considine: <sighs.> Perhaps he’s just another nostalgic idiot. Here, let’s try again. New World or Old? Which Empires have you been a part of? Dynasties?
Emerys: Er, my own?
Considine: If you’re an elf, why are you even here? This is a Vampire Convention.
Kitty : No, it’s SheaCon.
Emerys: <ignores> I just heard someone asking about “the best” and, I mean, that’s clearly me, so…
Aristide: Have you even heard of Magiford?
Emerys: Magiford? Ah, no. Wrong universe. Excuse me. EVAAAARRR!!!!! <Grumbles> He’d better not be in that mirror again…
Kitty: …So that happened. I suppose I may as well ask if anyone else wants to make an appearance?
Roger: …Is that Kit from Retha waving at you?
Cindy: Also Britt from King Arthur. And…is that Dave?
Dave: Hello!
Roger: Ooh! And the goblin from MBRC!
Hunter: Hunter.
Roger: Yeah, Hunter.
Hunter: That’s what I just said—you know what, never mind. <clears throat> Good evening, fellow travelers. Pleased to make your acquaintance. I am here on behalf of Weller Goblin enterprises to establish a new branch of —
Kitty: No! No! No! No more cross universing!
Considine: Pssst. Everyone. Regarding the poll—“not Dave” is also an acceptable answer.
Dave: In the Best Vampire competition? Why NOT me?
Killian: You drink tomato juice.
Dave: Not by choice!
Aristide: Still.
Stil: Someone called?
Kitty: No! No one called you, Stil—Rumpelstiltskin.
Stil: Ah, sorry…since I’m here though, does anyone—
Leila: No one wants to play the question game! That’s a different channel. Look two panels down. <Loud slurp of coffee, if we can; update with channel location if question game is in SheaCon.>
Hazel: Where did you get a coffee, Leila?
Leila: …Nowhere.
Considine: I told you Rigel was around.
Killian: Keep a nose out for something smelling vaguely of tea. And cleaning oil. And murder.
Stil : Murder ? Ah, well, I’ll just be off then, Just need to find my portal. Ha ha, Gemmaaaaa! Evarrrr! ANGEL ?!
Angel: Shh! Stil, I’m over here!
Kitty: Angel!
Angel: Hiiiiii, everyone! It’s so nice to be here with you all….ugh, who am I kidding? <groans> And I was so happy I almost got a break from one of these things.
Kitty: Yeaaaah. I know you’ve been a bit stressed but I’ve been meaning to talk to you about that thing that’s gonna happen in your books that we decided on.
Angel: OH. Uh…sure…Yeah. Just give me a second to uh … yeahkbye<disappears>.
Kitty: …aaaand she’s gone. Drat. Well, I guess I’ll have to hold off telling her that twist about the seal and that mirror shard—
Cindy: SPOILERS, Kitty!
Killian: If we can get back to my speech…
Aristide: <in a high pitched voice> I vote for Aristide, the strongest, most handsomest, most amazing Vampire in all of Magiford—No, the Sheaverse!
Killian: …that’s just you with a picture of Chloe in front of your face, Aristide.
Aristide: <Deep voice> I agree with Chloe. Aristide is the best and most loyal companion I have ever had. Even Charon is jealous of his greatness.
Killian: And that’s a picture of Noctus.
Leila: I think it should count.
Killian: What?!
Leila: Clearly he’s the acting elven ambassador. We already let them do this at the official meetings, why not here?
Considine: See, children, this is why no one should get into politics. If it’s not breeding corruption, its disappointing lunacy.
Aristide: <in his own voice, not even trying to disguise it> I also agree, I vote for Aristide. Bark bark.
Considine: Is that supposed to be your werewolf friend?
Aristide: Ker would vote for me.
Leila: She is happy to be your seeing eye werewolf.
Killian: <Aggravated sigh> Well, this has been a productive meeting. I’ll just skip ahead to wrap this up. That brings us to the conclusion of Who’s-the-Best Vampire. As the only one with legitimate votes from nonfamily members—
Aristide: Uh, they were your siblings.
Killian: Actually, no they aren’t because we’re not technically related.
Aristide: I can see why you went into politics.
Considine: You can’t see anything.
Aristide: I will hit you with my cane, Cornflakes.
Considine: Quick, Jade, protect me!
Jade: No.
Killian : …with legitimate votes from nonfamily members earned without coercion—
Considine : Where’s Orrin when I need him? He’d vote for me. Miniooon!
Killian: I pronounce myself the Sheaverse’s favorite vampire, with the honorable mention of Josh, of whom I am so proud.
With that, I’ll conclude this debacle before it gets any worse, and welcome everyone to the 2024 Vampires Elevation Symposium
Kitty : For the last time—it’s SHEACON!