Chapter Text
Sam and Dean get back to the bunker after a simple hunt, only a couple demons needing to be delt with. Dean is going on about something, Sam nods and laughs lightly to act like he's listening but he really can't. "Sammy, you with me?" Dean asks after noticing the short replies he was recieving. "Yeah, yeah, probably just going to hit the hay. I'm pretty tired." Dean nods once and says "Night Sammy".
Sam stops in the bathroom on the way to his room, his mind is fuzzy with thoughts. He stares at himself in the mirror and wonders how different his life would be if his mom lived, if Dean never came to Stanford and dragged him back into this life. After this hunt though, his mind is on something else, demon blood. He always thinks about this, how he let Dean down, how he fucked up and trusted a demon, how much of a freak he was, still is even.
He goes to his room, strips down to his boxers and t-shirt, and gets in his bed. He tosses and turns trying to sleep for what feels like hours until he gives up and goes into the library to read. Even after living at the bunker for as long as they have, they still haven't read all of the information kept by the Men of Letters so what better is there to do he thinks. Next thing he knows, he's waking up crying not even having remembered falling asleep, he stands, deciding to go to his room. Sam takes the walk to his room remembering the dream.
He and Dean had run into some demon assholes (of course assholes, I mean they're demons), the demons had caught Sam and Dean of guard so the boys were currently tied up trying to argue their way out of the situation. "The boy with the demon blood aye, thought you were the tough guy." Says one. Just then, the other cut his own arm and was walking slowly towards Sam, he knew what was happening, he wasn't dumb. The demon with the cut shoved its arm into Sams face, "Smell it pretty boy? I know you want it, we all know you've been running around with that bitch Ruby." Sam shook his head rapidly, not wanting this. The demon shoved his arm to Sams mouth, forced him to drink the blood, forced it down his throat and into his body all while laughing. Sam tried to pull his head away but in turn his head was shoved forward. After the demon pulls away he turns to Dean, a defeated look on his face. Sam knows when he started crying, it was when he looked at Dean and saw disappointment on his face. The pure disgust written so clearly.
After Sam makes it to his room the second time he starts sobbing. He hates how he feels. He hates having let Dean down too many times and it's eating at him. He sobs until his eyes are sore and tired. He falls asleep with puffy eyes and a runny nose.
In the other room, Dean hasn't fallen asleep yet, he had turned on Scooby-Doo and, as expected, lost track of time. He hears noises and pauses his show, ready to grab his gun. He listens a little closer and hears it's crying. He knows it's Sam, he would never tell but he knows Sam has been in the dumps lately. He doesn't know what to do, Dean hates seeing his little brother this way but he's never been good with emotions. He debates going to Sams room but figures Sam wouldn't want that. Though, when he hears the crying stop he slowly makes his way to Sams room. He doesn't think Sam would ever do anything to himself but it's always a thought that scares Dean. When he gets to Sam's room, he peeks in through the crack of the door. He sees Sam asleep and quietly makes his way into the room. He checks Sam for breathing and when he's relieved he goes to leave only to stop in his tracks when he hears Sam turn around. "Dean? What are you doing?" Dean tries to think of a lie but can't quick enough. "Um, I-I was just checking on you, I heard a noise and wanted to check it out." Dean still hasn't turned around so he doesn't see Sams confused look. "Okay..? Well, I'm fine, just tired." Sam says. Dean gives one firm nod, says "Alright, Sammy" and walks out.
Sam wakes up to the smell of what he presumes is burnt bacon, he walks into the kitchen to see Dean rushing around, pan in hand with, yep, burnt bacon. "Burning the bacon huh, thought you were the "meat man"?" Sam says teasingly. Dean turns and gives him a glare "I got distracted, forgot it was in here." When Dean gets more bacon on the pan he pours his coffee and sits down at the table with Sam. "What'd you hear last night by the way?" Sam asks "When you were in my room." Dean chooses now to get up and check the bacon, "I heard, uh, crying. Sounded like you." "Oh" is all Sam can say for a moment "Yeah, I had a bad dream, it woke up me up I guess." "Okay." Dean pauses "Wanna talk about it? " "No." Sam says quietly but firmly. They eat in silence, not awkward but they both want to speak. Later, Sam's on his laptop looking for any cases, oddly, it seems to be an off day for supernatural beings. Sam sighs and let's Dean know there doesn't seem to be a case today. "I say we drink beer and shoot shit then." Dean says with a wide grin. Sam laughs, "Dont we do that everyday?".
Dean ended up convincing Sam to watch an Austin Powers movie with him. They're sitting in Deans room, Sam under the covers because he got cold. Dean looks over to see Sam passed out, he let's him sleep figuring he could use it. However, just as Austin Powers gets the cart stuck in the corridor and tries to fix it and Dean is laughing, Sam jolts awake. Sam has a scared look on his face when he looks over at Dean. "Another bad dream?" Dean asks concerned. Sam nods. Dean, hesitantly wraps an arm around Sam's shoulder and brings him close. Dean let's Sam lay his head on his shoulder. Sams breathing is still erratic like he can't calm down. Dean just holds him tighter until Sams breathing evens out and Dean is sure he's asleep again. Dean wants to ask what he dreams about, what makes him so scared. After he finishes the movie, he sleeps holding Sam, he doesn't want to wake him again he decides.
When Sam wakes again, it's morning, he's confused about the arm hanging over his middle until he remembers having a nightmare last night. He remembers Dean holding him until he fell asleep, he feels embarrassed for some reason but also content. He was thankful he had Dean there to help him. He slowly gets up, careful not to wake Dean. He puts on a pot of coffee and makes himself an omelet. Dean wakes up shortly after, the coldness of the room hitting him. He wonders why he was so cold then realizes that Sam had gotten up. He decides he should get up too then. He assumes Sam is in the kitchen because he can smell the coffee that was put on. He finds Sam with coffee sat on the table and his head in his hands. He just watches Sam for a moment. Taking in the sight, he sees things he hasn't noticed before, the way Sams hair is curling behind his ear, the fluffiest bed head ever, even the slope of Sams nose has him intrigued. After a moment, Sam notices him "Morning" he says. "Morning" Dean replies.
Dean finds a case but decides to call Garth about it, Garth happened to be in the area and said he had it covered. Dean tells Sam he found nothing again, wanting Sam to have a break. They're reading up on lore when Dean starts thinking, "Hey" Dean says to get Sams attention. "Hmm" Sam replies not looking up from his book. "What are your dreams about? Like the one last night." Sam pauses reading but doesn't look up yet, he debates lying but Dean would know. "They're different most nights but, um, they're usually about demons. Specifically demons and their blood." Sam can't look up at dean, scared he'll be disgusted. Dean though, snaps his head to look at Sam, worry in his eyes. "Their blood?" Dean asks. Sam finally looks at Dean and is relived Dean isn't mad but instead..worried? Hesitantly Sam speaks "Well, usually the demons taunt me about the blood, they make me feel disgusted then they..force me to..." "To what" Dean asks. "They force me to drink their blood. They laugh while they do it." Sam doesn't tell him about how Dean looks at him in these dreams. He's tearing up by the end, scared of telling Dean this.
Dean is confused, he doesn't know why Sam is thinking like this. He's never brought it up before. Dean does all he can think of doing, he gets up and walks over to Sam. He pulls him up and it's now he can see the tears in Sams eyes, Dean hugs him tight. Sam is relived with this reaction, he thought for a split second Dean was going to yell at him or maybe hit him. He hugs back just as tight if not tighter.
That night Sam doesn't want to sleep, he doesn't want to see the demons and all the blood, especially Dean's face. Sam doesn't sleep that night, he decides to occupy himself with other things. The next day goes by fairly the same. Cas stops in, nothing important he says, just keeping in touch. They all end up drinking and talking around the table for some hours until Cas says he should leave. Soon after he leaves Dean tries heading to bed, Sam has to help him there considering he thought he could out drink the angel. He sets Dean in the bed and laughs when Dean whines about his jeans being on. Sam helps Dean get them off, Dean thanks him and passes out as soon as his head hits the pillow. Sam lingers in the room remembering the comfort he felt last night. It makes Sam feel something he can't quite place. Again, he doesn't want to sleep. He decides not to.
After the fourth night of no sleep, Dean realizes Sam walking around like a zombie, slurring his words, and stumbling into tables all too frequently "Dude, you look like shit" Dean remarks. He puts his hand to Sams forehead, feeling for a fever. Sam grabs his wrist to move it from his head "I'm fine Dean, just tired." Dean knows it isn't true but let's it go. When it's time for them to go separate ways for the night Sam tries to distract Dean in any way for them to stay up. Dean states he needs his beauty rest and goes to his room. Sam stays up for hours after that, soon he's crying and he doesn't even know it, he only realizes when he sees the drip onto his shirt. When he realizes he's crying it only makes it worse. He wanders into Deans room crying, "Dee.. Dean" Dean sits up wide awake hearing his name and jumps up when he sees Sam crying. "Sam, hey Sammy what's wrong?". "I just want to sleep Dean, I dont want to sleep, I dont want to see them, I dont want you to be dissapointed, dont want you to be mad." Sam is sobbing at this point, hiccuping every other word. Dean pulls Sam to the bed by his arm. Dean sits them down and wipes Sams tears away, holding him close. When Sam stops crying as hard, Dean speaks. "You wanna stay with me?" Sam nods his head and Dean lays them down. Sams head on Deans shoulder and Deans arm around Sam again. Dean stays awake until he hears Sams breathing slow and even out. Sam has no nightmare that night. His only dream is of Dean and him, no more hunting, living in the country just the two of them.
Dean wakes before Sam unsurprisingly, he just rolls into Sam and falls back asleep, they both could use it. When Sam wakes up, Dean has something on the TV laughing at whatever is happening. He's still got his arm around Sam and his side is still pressed against Sams back. Dean doesn't realize Sam is awake until he rolls over and sits up. Dean is oddly upset at the loss of the body against him. He's realized that he finds comfort in Sam being next to him, knowing Sam is breathing and alive (that's all, right?). Sam recalls how he got into Dean's room, remembers crying in Deans arms "I'm sorry I woke you up last night" Sam says embarrassed. Dean looks at him like he's crazy "You dont need to be sorry, Sammy. For anything." "Thank you dean" Sam says. Even though he really means it, he knows he still has plenty to be sorry for. "..I didn't dream about them last night". Dean looks over at Sam, a comforting look apparent on his face. "That's good" he smiles lightly. They both decide it's time to be up for the day.
Hunting anything has been far off either brothers mind, they both figure there are other hunters to handle it. Hell, no angel or demon drama, they deserve a break. Dean makes them breakfast, well, almost lunch at this time and they make small talk while eating. After, they go their own ways in the bunker, each doing their own thing. Sam only moves from his spot when he hears Dean in the kitchen, he looks at the time not having realized it's almost 6pm. He walks in the kitchen to see Dean making burgers. Sam figures it'll be a little bit longer before they eat so he heads to his room.
Ever since learning about the angels and demons, Sam hasn't really prayed, he used to all the time when he was younger, even going to church when John would go on a hunt, leaving them by themselves. He feels like praying now though, he just wants something to belive in is what he boils it down to. Even though God and his angels are dicks. He goes all the way to get down on his knees by his bed, hands folded on top of it. "Sam!" Dean yells from the kitchen. When Sam doesn't answer he calls again, no answer. He starts walking around the bunker, Sam no where to be found, he goes to Sams room."I dont really know why I'm praying, I know you dont listen. I guess I just need to think someone can hear me." The door is cracked open so Dean stops when he hears Sam talking. He almost walks in when he realizes Sam is praying. He knows it's an intrusion and should walk away but he's curious, he knows Sam hasn't prayed in a long time, not after the whole angels and demons fiasco. "I hate this, I hate myself." Sam scoffs " I dont know why I haven't killed myself yet, probably because I'm afraid I'll come back. I can't even die, I'm so fucked up. I'm a freak. I'll always be one." Dean just stands at the door, he should've just walked away but now he can't. His baby brother wants to die, his baby brother thinks he's a freak.
Dean feels sick.
"I can't even look my brother in the face without thinking about everytime I've let him down, everytime I look him in the eyes all I see is dissapointment." Dean chooses now to walk away, he's afraid if he doesn't he'll barf on his shoes. Dean goes back into the kitchen and waits a little longer to call Sam for dinner. When he calls, Sam comes this time; Sam walks in looking distraught. Dean throws his hands up smiling "Burgers and fries! Food of the champions." Sam smiles back sitting down as Dean brings the food.
He's hopeful that the nightmares have gone away. Last night was the first in many he didn't have one so he sleeps. Unfortunately, Sam wakes up sweating and hyperventilating. He tears up when he realizes the dreams aren't gone. He thinks to himself about how much Dean helped last time so he goes to Deans room.
Dean looks up to see Sam standing in the doorway, "Whatcha doing Sam?". "Do you think I could stay with you tonight?" Sam asks, he's just so tired. "Yeah, yeah, that's alright Sammy." Dean says surprised. Sam crawls into the bed with Dean and gets under the covers, "You help with the nightmares. I-I dont know why but they go away when I'm-" Sam looks down and picks at the blanket, "When I sleep in here they go away." Dean looks down at Sam feeling.. something, he doesn't respond though, he just wraps an arm around Sam saying "Try to sleep, Sammy." This happens every night now, it's become an unspoken agreement that if Sam feels the need to, he can sleep in Deans bed. Dean is just happy that he found someway to help his baby brother.