Chapter Text
She thought she had just imagined him at first. But after the mere sight of blond strands had been enough for her to freeze, right in front of one of the ministry lifts, her eyes had met those recognisable irises. Unique shade of grey, like ocean of mercury, in which she couldn’t help but drown into.
No, this time it really was him standing right before her.
The man that haunted her mind and senses, with the sound of his voice echoing in her ears, the shadow of his silhouette like a ghost she would see everywhere. And even, foremost, the hint of his scent — sandalwood mixed with a soft touch of bergamot — persisting in what was once their apartment; torturing her so much she couldn’t bear to stay at home too long.
For a second, she swore that his intense gaze, sharp as needles, briefly lingered on her silhouette, burning her like his touch used to burn her skin. But less than a second after, his look became shallow and she knew him too well to know without a doubt he had put up his barrier of occlumency at her sight.
A sudden and acute pain took place in her heart as if a dagger was digging into it. She could have dealt with resentment or hate; would have expected it. Indifference, on the other hand, hurt more than she was prepared for.
She kept staring at him, not paying attention to the people pushing her shoulders and cursing at her, trying to enter the lift as she didn’t move from the middle of the path. Then, after a few minutes feeling like hours for her, the grill shut down before her, and he disappeared, still holding a piece of her heart with him.
Taking a resigned sigh, she pushed back inside the part of her that felt like it was wrong to miss him that much.
Hermione had to make herself a reason. Draco would never be hers anymore.
She was the one having made that decision for herself, for them, after all.
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To think the monthly reunion would be a good distraction had been a vain hope.
Holding her document tight onto her chest, head tucked into the shoulders, Hermione walked back to her office like a robot. It was only when she locked the door behind her and cast a silent charm that she finally let herself go.
And she screamed.
Letting her anger and frustration flow out of her as she was destroying her desk, throwing every paper she had to fill, all the work and research people asked her to do and even the unfilled cups of coffee that reminded her of the night she had passed working for close to nothing.
Two years ago, when she had begun to work for the DRCMC, she had been so excited and impatient to advocate for what she believed in. Then, when she was made director of the office of House-Elf relocation she was naive enough to think she had finally found her place and that she could do what she had been wanting to do for years. Or so she thought.
Slowly but surely, the happiness and exaltation of it had been replaced by a sort of weariness that seemed to have filled every inch of her body.
Because her colleagues couldn't hide their jealous and scornful looks, clearly thinking that she didn't deserve her promotion, claiming that she was just a stupid and overly idealistic young girl. She knew full well that her superiors hadn't hired her just because of all the O she'd got on her N.E.W.T., she also knew that it was the same reason why Kingsley had been hinting for months that it would be a good idea to transfer her to the Department of Magical Justice.
Yes, Hermione had well understood that she was just a pawn, a face to be flaunted at all their galas to win favour and burnish their image. Because she would never be anything other than the golden girl in their eyes, would she?
Not to mention the pressure the whole world, even those closest to her, had put on her.
Such a shame you chose the DRCMC Hermione ! You could do so much better elsewhere. Have you thought about becoming an Auror ? Why don't you want to rise more in ranks ?
Except she never wanted that. Never joined the Ministry intending to be a political figure or continue her role as a hero beyond the battle she had already had to fight as a child. Hermione only wanted to help in her own way, to fulfil herself in her work. But how could she have this when her skills were overlooked and her opinions neglected? How could she move forward when the weight of other people's expectations paralysed her?
Her friends may have moved on and healed from the war or were just very good at faking it, but enough to say it was not the case for her. Nonetheless, Hermione didn’t want to feel obliged to hide her struggles to make others feel better, while at the same time was not ready to cope with their pity nor could she bring herself to face once again the damage the war had done to all of them.
The truth was that Hermione was exhausted. And lonely.
When her rage finally settled down and she had made all the fuss she could, Hermione crawled on the floor, hugging herself in a ball. Her eyes burning with tears that she didn't allow herself to shed, she looked at the mess she made and wondered with despair how everything had turned into chaos around her.
When did it all start to crumble?
Not for the first time these past months, she wished she could go back in time. Wished she could curl herself around Draco’s body, his embrace like a safe space for her. Merlin, how much did she miss their bubble of time where she felt at peace under his loving eyes and lucky to deserve all his special smile. At that time she thought they were invincible together, ready to face every destructive wave that could come to swallow them.
What a fool the brightest witch of her age had been for once.
Because if a charm could repair all she just had broken in her office, relationships were more complex and delicate to navigate into.
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A year ago
Draco wasn't home when she returned from the ministry after a particularly long day, and Hermione couldn't prevent a long sigh of disappointment from escaping her as she freed her aching feet from her heels. She had the impression that they hardly saw each other these days, both of them often held up by their respective jobs.
Except that today, she had learned from a reliable source — none other than Harry — that he was not on call for the evening unless there was an emergency that required the mobilisation of every Auror in London.
The small piece of parchment she found on the kitchen table confirmed what she had already suspected: he had gone to dinner with his friends. Mouth agape, Hermione crumpled, or rather crushed, the paper in her hands before throwing it in the bin. She didn't want to get worked up over such a little thing, after all, he had certainly deserved to spend some time with his friends. But it was still difficult for her not to feel bitter. It wasn't the first time he'd preferred to spend time with them than with her, or so Hermione thought.
She knew that their dynamic was bound to change once they got out of the rhythm of Hogwarts, but she couldn't imagine them drifting apart so easily.
With a heavy heart, she prepared her meal, the silence around her seeming even more horrible to tolerate than usual. This evening's dinner would taste of disappointment once again.
Two hours later, when the green light from the chimney warned her of Draco's return, Hermione did not move from her place on the sofa, eyes riveted on her evening reading. There was no way she would show him that she'd stayed up all evening to make sure she'd had a chance to see him before she went to bed.
It was also out of the question to tell him that she still couldn't sleep without the weight of his body beside her. And she didn't want to worry him and put the weight of her difficulties on his shoulders, not when he seemed to be finally enjoying a normal life after the war.
"Hey, love." Draco greeted her, pressing his lips into a quick kiss on the corner of her head. "Not asleep yet? I thought work would have knocked you out."
"Hey," she whispered in return. "It kind of did. But not enough for me not to read a bit."
She set her current book down beside her, then stretched like a cat."But anyway, let's not talk about work! Did you have fun tonight?"
Immediately, his face lit up with a smile so brilliant it momentarily took her breath away. She loved that smile. Pity it no longer appeared because of her.
"Merlin yes! Pansy beat us all at poker — as usual — Blaise and Padma told us about their latest trip to Italy and...Oh, you should have seen Theo's face when he arrived! Somehow his colleagues played a joke on him and... !”
"It's a shame I couldn't be part of the party." The words came out sharper than she had intended.
He froze momentarily, then began to remove his tie in a slow, controlled motion. "I thought you'd still be working late. That's why I didn't tell you before."
She tried not to meet his eyes, knowing that she would find guilt there.
"No, that's okay, I understand." she forced herself to say, even though she thought the opposite.
Blaise had considered inviting Padma and probably even Theo's new partner. Hermione, on the other hand, rarely attended these parties. And while one part of her could understand his assumption that she couldn't come — she did work rather late, that was true — another part of her was hurt to feel in some way excluded.
"There'll always be another time anyway." She said.
But even if there was another time, Hermione knew that things would be the same. And that made her wonder: what if the problem wasn't really with her at all? What if he'd realised that she was as boring and rigid as he and his friends thought she was at the time? Worse than that, what if he was already thinking of leaving her?
She quickly pushed these negative thoughts out of her head. No. Draco loved her. She couldn't doubt it. But easier said than done.
He nodded with a smile that this time didn't quite reach his eyes. But his attentive gaze must have noticed the tension that had knotted her body, despite her efforts to hide it.
"Are you sure everything's alright?
"Yes. I just had a hard day, that's all."
He didn't answer, but from the tense line of his jaw and his furrowed brows, her answer hadn't been convincing enough. Not that she was lying to him — she wouldn't have succeeded even if she'd tried anyway — It was simply that she was avoiding getting to the heart of her torment.
"You can say it, if something bothers you, you know?" His tone wasn't harsh, but she did detect a hint of annoyance mixed with concern in it.
Except that she didn't feel like fighting, Hermione. Didn't have the strength or the courage to voice her disappointment or to talk about her childish fears. So she did what she usually despised doing: running away from her problems. "I know Draco. But really, there's nothing to say other than that. I'm just tired."
Tonight she didn't sleep alone, but even pressed together, back to back, she had the impression that an ocean stood between them.
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If it hadn't been for Luna's arrival at the end of the afternoon, Hermione would still be lying moping in bed, trying to mend her broken heart and come to terms with the situation. It had been three months since their break-up, but seeing him again at the Ministry - something she had dreaded and therefore tried to avoid as much as possible - had ripped off the temporary bandage she had put on her emotional wounds.
She had never realised how essential his being was to her until she had told him she wanted to break up. Now she felt like she was missing him like she couldn't feel alive without his being.
In fact, she had prepared to go back under her blankets and cry her eyes out again once she'd given Luna back the book she'd come for. But she should have known that her friend wouldn't leave so easily after seeing her bloodshot eyes and commenting on her sombre aura.
Instead, she had simply taken Hermione into her arms for a short but intense hug and then enjoined her to let the aches and pains of her soul speak - those were her words - as she began to prepare cups of tea for them.
So Hermione had told her everything, Crookshanks pressed into her lap like a reassuring weight and emotional support for her.
She told her how she had thought she would get better in the last few days. How she'd thought she'd finally become herself again and how hard it was for her to admit that she hadn't been able to move on.
Because even though she knew deep down that mourning a relationship could take time, and that there was nothing wrong with admitting that you weren't well, Hermione sometimes felt like she'd been a broken doll for too long. Discarded because too damaged to be repaired. She hadn't felt well for ages, so much so that she'd come to think of it as her default mode.
"I'll tell you what." Luna finally interjected after listening carefully to her for nearly an hour without ever interrupting. "I think you need to get some thoughts out of your head and go out tonight."
A not-very cheerful grimace blooming on her face, Hermione started to nod in disagreement, but before even opening her mouth to protest, the blonde persisted.
"I wouldn't force you to do anything, Hermione. But it just so happens that I was going to attend a fundraiser for a fellow Magizoologist who needs money for his research on Mooncalf. And the stars are aligned for you because no one can go with me so..."
"You want me to be your plus one, is that it ?" Hermione completed, raising an eyebrow.
She clapped her hands together, clearly satisfied with her reflection, her daisy-shaped pearl earrings - swinging around her smiling face.
Opening up to Luna hadn't solved any of her problems, but it had relieved her of some of her repressed feelings. Hermione wasn't sure she could say the same for this impromptu evening, although the idea of having a bit of fun and forgetting about him, at least for one night, was tempting.
"I don't know...Part of me wishes I wasn't surrounded by all the memories of him here." She began, raising her arms around herself. "But there's another part that wants to be as attached to it as possible and enjoy it because I'm afraid that even those memories will go in flames one day."
Luna's observant eyes watched her with a softness mingled with a melancholy that Hermione didn't know her for, clashing with her usual sunny exterior. "I've never told you and Ginny much about my break-up with Neville, have I ?"
She tucked a rebellious strand of hair back behind her ear. "At the time, I said I wasn't that affected by it as it was a mutual decision and we've remained good friends ever since."
She took Hermione's hands in hers, giving them an affectionate squeeze.
"But it took me over a year to really get over it. Even though I no longer had feelings for him, part of my heart was deeply wounded after realising that one chapter of my life was ending. I was somewhat terrified at the thought of discovering a new one without him by my side. After all, my life had been built around a routine with Neville, so overnight I had to learn to live on my own again."
She took a moment to catch her breath and choose her words. "I even had to comfort myself with episodes of telenovelas after I found out he'd got involved with Hannah Abbott. The point is that there's no right way to get over a love affair, no matter the circumstances, no matter whether you're the one leaving or the one left. You have every right to be sad, Hermione, and to not be able to get over it as quickly as others. It's okay."
New tears began to fill her eyes. She had of course seen her friend sad and a little less cheerful two years ago, but she hadn't seen all the pain she had felt and the challenges she had had to face.
"How did you manage to move on then ?" she asked in a hoarse voice.
"I let time make its miracles and opened myself up to other perspectives. Then I have to admit that travelling for work was a good distraction."
Hermione stiffened at the mention of work, which seemed not to go unnoticed by Luna.
"Not that you have to do what I did. Only you can know what your path to recovery will look like. And even if I don't know what the future holds for you, I can tell you with certainty that you won't be stuck in this situation. Things will change, I promise.”
Maybe it was the assurance in Luna's eyes, her encouraging words, or maybe it was just the tiredness and despair that spoke for her; but Hermione suddenly had the urge to believe that one day she would have her happy ending too.
"You know what, I think you're right, I need a change of scenery. Maybe it'll help me see things differently."
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Two hours later, they arrived at the reception venue where the fundraising event was being held. And if the outside was already impressive in itself, the hall was decorated with particular care: midnight blue ribbons adorning the chairs and staircases, bouquets of snowdrops and forget-me-nots adorning the tables, without mentioning the enormous buffet which was already making Hermione drool with envy.
In the past, she would have felt embarrassed in such luxurious surroundings. Would have felt out of place.
Of course, she had attended many galas and parties organised by the Ministry. But work had always been too much on her mind for her to enjoy herself. It was also fair to say that she didn't get on with many of her colleagues and was always worried about having to deal with certain sexist wizards or blood-purists (sometimes both ), always there to make her feel unwelcome wherever she went.
But tonight, she felt beautiful, ready to have fun and act confidently without ever wondering what the audience, Kingsley or anyone else would think.
Arm in arm, the two young women made a rather strange pair; Luna's cream-bustier dress flowing in volutes of teal blue sequined lace contrasted with Hermione's black satin sheath dress tinted with shades of red, more simple but no less elegant.
Glass of champagne in hands, they began to move through the crowd at a leisurely pace, until Luna came across a familiar face. "Oh, I don't think you've met Dr. Hawthorne right..." she exclaimed as she led her towards a woman wearing a long braid of black hair decorated with pearls for the occasion.
For nearly an hour, the evening was a whirlwind of encounters for Hermione as Luna introduced her to many magizoologists and researchers, not forgetting the colleague in question who was organising the fundraiser and to whom Hermione promised a donation after finding herself genuinely curious about his work.
Surprisingly, she spoke to each of them for some time, and with a pleasure that she had not felt for a long time. Which made her realise with dread just how much her natural curiosity and the singular passion that once characterised her had almost been reduced to ashes over the years. Ever since the end of the war, in fact. And even more so after her arrival at the Ministry.
When, despite everything, the conversation had run out of steam and the violins began to sound; Luna offered her a hand, inviting her to join her on the dance floor with an encouraging smile.
She followed her with a slight reluctance, her cheeks turning dangerously crimson as she struggled to keep away all the distracting thoughts that might spoil her evening. The hundreds of eyes on her made her skin crawl, their gaze so oppressive that she had to concentrate on Luna's earrings - butterflies swirling in time with her footsteps - to find an anchor.
No. she thought fiercely. This evening, I dedicate it to me!
She wouldn't let those vultures throw her off balance. Not when she had promised herself that she would at least try to enjoy her night and free herself from the invisible chains that had been imposed on her in one way or another in every sphere of her life.
Gently, her hips moved to the rhythm of the music and Luna's strange yet harmonious movements. One hand clasped in the other's, they whirled together, bouncing on their legs; Hermione paying particular attention to Luna's bare feet, as she had in the meantime separated from her heels.
With laughter at the edge of their lips, already stretched into huge smiles, they let themselves be carried away by the moment. They weren't skilled dancers; they just moved their bodies to the music and to what they felt like doing. However, their lack of grace and their energy must have inspired others, because the crowd around them intensified. So Hermione decided to let go, feeling freer than she ever had before. Dancing until her feet hurt and her heart leapt out of her chest.
And this moment was perfect in every way. A bubble of light in her dark everyday life.
But then she saw them.
And the dream vanished.
Those snakes looking like angels.
They made a magnificent picture all together. Pansy in a gorgeous silver dress, Blaise and Theo, quite dashing in their velvet suits and of course Draco - the only one not looking in her direction - stunningly handsome, as he always had been.
How had she not noticed them earlier? They had a talent for being noticed wherever they went, for good or bad reasons. Although she should have expected their presence thinking of it, since they frequently were invited to numerous charity galas and other events. Lots of purebloods were in fact, since they had money to give when they felt like it.
And Hermione should have known that by now. All the good things that happened to her never lasted very long.
Even the simple pleasure of carefree dancing was taken away from her now.
Taken by surprise, she froze in the middle of the moving bodies.
She felt her stomach twist and her palms getting sweaty. Suddenly the lights were too bright and the music too loud.
No. No. No. Not them. Not now.
She placed a hand on her tight chest.
"Hermione...are you alright?" Luna's voice sounded distant to her. As if her head was underwater.
When her friend's hand brushed her shoulder - in a gesture that was surely meant to be comforting - Hermione jerked away.
She needed to leave. To get away from here.
A sense of urgency gripped her, along with the sensation of being prey in the wolf's den.
The eleven-year-old Hermione who had never allowed herself to be bullied would have been ashamed to see her flee like that. Or worse, she would have felt pity.
Head down, she made her way through the crowd as best she could, dreading the moment when she would inevitably pass in front of them to reach the exit.
Don't stop. Pretend like nothing is going on.
With her hands clenched into fists against her body, she focused on not flinching in front of them once she was level with them. She certainly didn't want to give them that pleasure.
Don't look at them. Don't look at them. she repeated to herself like a mantra.
"Well, if it isn't the famous Hermione Granger!" She heard Theo exclaim mockingly.
Don't stop, Hermione, they're not worth a minute of your time.
But her stride slowed in spite as her resolve wavered.
"Right! There she is. And it seems she finally fully embraced her Golden Girl title." Pansy added.
She froze, biting her tongue to remain silent, then turned slowly towards them. This gave Luna time to join her. "Hermione ! What's going- oh..." Noticing the group of purebloods, she stopped in her tracks. "I see."
"Nice to see you here Luna." Blaise greeted her, silent until now. The smile he gave her was sincere and for a second, Hermione found herself wanting to be looked upon like that again, with kindness and warmth. Was she ever going to feel welcome anywhere one day ?
"Why don't you come drink with us?" He continued. "Certainly we'll be much better company than the Gryffindor princess I can assure you."
Luna frowned. "I'm afraid I'll have to decline your offer. There are too many nargles around you. Plus Hermione is anything but a great company for me tonight so where she goes, 'll follow."
Her heart warmed at Luna's defence. Her friend rarely took position in fights occurring between those around her, preferring to gently call for peace and reconciliation without ever really taking sides.
“Why are you still standing before us like this? You can leave like you attended to, you know. Nobody will be sad about your absence. Plus I’m sure you won’t be happy people saw you with us, and think you’re still close to our kind.” Theo snapped, making Pansy and Blaise laugh.
Hermione's blood boiled in her veins. How dare he?
Meanwhile, only Draco remained silent, hiding behind his glass of champagne.
His silence was driving her mad.
"What are you insinuating exactly here Theo?" She approached him, finally having the courage to meet his gaze, her eyes flashing with lightning. "That I was ashamed of you all? Of Draco ?"
"Come on ! Be honest for a second ! Isn't that why you've left him ?"
"Let's that be clear. For all of you." Her voice was shaky with both anger and emotion. "Firstly, you know perfectly well that I haven't thought of you as death eaters - if I ever did - for a very long time and that I already forgive you for your miserable bullying behaviour when we were children. Secondly, what happened between Draco and me is none of your business. And..."
She paused to catch her breath. "And last but not least. I've never been ashamed of him. So fuck you and your bullshit.”
With that, she walked away without giving them time to reply, Luna following at her heels.
It wasn't until she was outside in the gardens that Hermione's facade fell, her emotions taking over; a mixture of embarrassment, sadness, rage and even disappointment swirling inside her.
"I'm sorry you've been witnessing that." She apologized once the fresh air of the night helped ease her emotions.
The former Ravenclaw shook her head and laid a comforting hand on her arm. "Please, don't apologize for their behavior. Honestly they were rude, it's the least they deserved. And you know what? I'm fucking proud of you."
Hermione's eyes widened.
"Don't make this face ! Actually I was waiting for the day you'll finally stand up for yourself."
Suddenly, she saw Luna's gaze darken before turning a little mischievous. "Well, it seems you're not even finished yet." Confused, Hermione turned to look in the same direction as her friend.
It was Draco walking towards them.
This prick. What he had to say to her now ? He who had seemed to have made it his mission to ignore her as much as possible over the last few months.
"We can live if you want." Luna offered kindly. But Hermione declined with a quick shake of her head before squaring her shoulders and lifting her chin in a semblance of bravery.
"Hermione, can I have a word with you ?" he said through clenched teeth, as soon as he got in front of them.
She felt Luna move away, probably to give them some privacy, while her eyes could not take their gaze from his.
Without a word she nodded, but not before crossing her arms in front of her, as if she could protect herself from what he was about to say.
"I'm not here to scold you Granger, you can relax."
She didn't move in any way, even tensed a little more at his word.
"So ? Why do you want to talk so suddenly ? I thought we had nothing more to say to each other now."
He was silent for a long moment before he finally opened his mouth, speaking his words with calm and calculated precision. "I just don't understand. "
"Don't understand what, exactly ?"
"You." He let out a frustrated sigh. "Why are you acting like this? All angry and resentful when you're the one messing everything up."
"I beg your pardon?" She gasped. "Jeez, don't act like I'm the only one who is angry and resentful here. You'd rather just let your friends do the dirty work for you, but I know exactly how you feel about all this. About me !" She snarled.
"You have no idea what I think. But right ! Make your decision already. Like you always do."
Hermione didn't like where this conversation was going. She hated arguing with him. She always did.
"And Merlin! Maybe they have a point there! You've always acted like you were a morally better person than the rest of us, never came when they invited us to dinner, or the gala my mother organised. It's like you wanted to keep our relationship a secret!"
"You know it's not about that..."
"Then why? Hermione. Why did you walk away like that? Why didn't you even try, or even talk to me? We could have worked this out. I know we could have. But you didn't even give us a chance ! And I'm fucking mad at you for that."
"'I didn't try?" She laughed bitterly. "Oh yes, I did try. Plenty of times actually. When I was the one who made the first move for example, or where I put the past behind me and tried to be cordial with your friends. And I stupidly believed that it worked, that they accepted me. But even when it's not about blood, it's about something else. I'll never be enough for them don't you see? The thing is that I won't change to make them happy, and I assumed you loved me for who I was, who I still am."
She could no longer stop the flood of words that was pouring out of her. Everything she had bottled up since the beginning of their relationship and that she had never fully dared to say. Never like this, at least.
"I came to the galas and dinners the first few times, remember? But I quickly stopped after receiving criticism and comments about how I didn't deserve you, that I wasn't the right person or that I would never make you happy. How ironic that they're now at my throat because I left you." she spat.
"They even threw a surprise birthday party for you without involving or inviting me ! Your girlfriend! And you didn't even find it strange that they did, saying they just wanted to have a private moment with you, like in the past; that I was busy attending anyway and that I would not have bare to spend a night in the manor.”
She saw his face grow pale as she spoke. Something like shame and regret danced across his face.
"The truth is, you never wanted to admit that your friends were being assholes to me, nor did you want to admit that your mother never really approved me and wasn't very discreet about it."
In a resigned tone she added: "And I tried to reach out to you. But every time, you downplayed what I was saying. And even today, you said nothing. But the Draco I was with, just two years ago, would never have let them say such things and talk the way they did."
They looked into each other's eyes for a moment, saying nothing. But they didn't need words when their faces gave away their emotions so easily.
Suddenly overcome by a familiar weariness and a feeling of emptiness, Hermione decided to give up for the evening. What was the point of fighting anyway, if understanding and listening to each other was now so difficult for them.
So without even saying goodbye, she walked away. Deciding for the second time in her life to leave him.
With a heavy heart, she joined Luna as they left the party once and for all.
And despite the glimmer of hope that this initially promising evening had given her, Hermione once again spent the night crying. Her only comfort being the kindness of Luna at her side.