Work Text:
Identity is a weird concept.
It’s weird because of how broad the term is. If you are to ask someone what their identity is without any specifications, it comes off as extremely vague. The person could respond with many different answers and different meanings, but all fall under the umbrella of someone’s identity.
Despite it being a weird concept, it brings beauty. Someone can express themselves through their identity or find out how others view someone through their identity. It brings out the positive aspects of how others see someone and, most importantly, how they see themselves. It brings them the enjoyment of who they are and the pride that comes from it.
But of course, despite its beauty, it can bring shame. Sure it’s nice for it to be broad, but what about when it is too broad? Too broad to the point you don’t even know where you stand. And that’s the scary part sometimes, you don’t know who you are, or what your identity is, and you fall into a pool of confusion.
This is where Kuguri finds herself, swimming in the pool of confusion as she stares at herself in the mirror. She wears a skin-tight, knitted crop top, the color of sage green decorated with small butterflies. It hugs every part of her body and makes her feel choked. It captures the rolls of her stomach, the muscles of her back, and her skin screams for the material to detach from her body.
Despite the cries, she fights through it. Finding it as a way to embrace her femininity she refuses to take it off. Followed by the skin-tight shirt and skin-tight jeans. Her waist is squeezed and her thighs are noticeable. They are uncomfortable to sit in as the material tightens further against her legs with every step she takes. But that’s fine.
With all the issues presented she still chooses to wear the clothing provided, to make her recognize herself for what she grew up with, as a way for comfort, the way her mother provided her clothing that was bright and tight, how family members commented on her beauty, that this was the identity path for her to take.
But things got harder as she grew older. Getting annoyed by her mother’s insistence on molding her into the perfect little girl she wanted her to be. He stepped away. Baggier clothing, baggier shirts that had unique printed designs other than flowers and hearts. Baggier jeans that didn’t hug his knees or thighs for every step he walked.
That’s when identity became an issue, or when it started. At the beginning of 6th grade, he left the feminine side and dressed more in what he viewed as masculine. Dresses became annoying and itchy, and his thighs being visible with skirts were uncomfortable, all these reasons had him start walking down a path of his gender identity.
He tested different pronouns, resonating with the gender neutralities they provided, and eventually leaned more toward the masculine end. It was like that for a couple of years, keeping it hidden from his family members; only his friends were aware of the experience he was going through.
He thought he had everything figured out, but oh was he wrong. Despite being called the right pronouns, enjoying the clothes he wore, changing his name, and having support from peers, something didn’t feel right. He slowly found himself enjoying his femininity again but without his family nagging at him.
From styling his hair and decorating it in clips to admiring clothes from the women’s section to wearing clothes that aren’t just dresses and skirts, he finds himself in the same confusion pool again.
Why is he back in the same place he once left? The same place he hated because of the pain it brought him? Is it wrong to want to go back despite all the changes he already has made in his life?
No. It’s not. That’s why identity is beautiful because you can always explore it to no end. Despite all the hatred Kuguri had in the past, he learns to enjoy that side again but in a different light.
She keeps her name the same, her clothing style comfortable, and her happiness at bay. That’s when he discovered bigender, the idea of leaning on both sides of the gender spectrum with the enjoyment of it.
But again, even when you think you have it all figured out, there will always be something nagging at you. What if simply you’re not enough? You’re not masculine or feminine presenting enough? And that was Kuguri’s fear.
Sure he enjoys being identified as a guy, but he loves it when someone uses the right pronouns on him, the clothes he wears, the way he can just wake up with a bed-head and go to school with no questions asked. But on the days she woke up more on the feminine side, dressed how she liked, and went to school, many would still view her as a guy.
He knows it’s not their fault, some people do get more used to calling someone certain pronouns and stick with it, but it does bother him on the days he wants to be identified for the gender he feels that day. So he tries to push more towards the look, finding himself back in his childhood days again.
She picks at her shirt, a frown on her face. There is no way she can go hang out for hours in this outfit, she dreads it. She wants to rip it off but at the same time, she doesn’t, having her let out a heavy sigh.
“Kuguri, is everything okay?” A familiar voice speaks up as she looks up to face her friend, Kindaichi, on her bed waiting for her to get ready for their hangout.
Kuguri met Kindaichi in her freshman year when they attended the same training cramp together for volleyball. They got along pretty fast. Kuguri doesn’t even remember how it happened, one day they didn’t know each other and the next it felt like they’d been together for years. Sure it comes from the shared interests of shows and games that aren’t just volleyball. But also the similarities they find between each other.
It was a late night during a hangout of theirs, they were at Kindaichi’s house lying in his bed. It’s no lie that deep talks happen the most at night. That was what happened between them. They found themselves sharing their gender identities and struggling with it. Kuguri remembered crying that night while Kindaichi rubbed her back. How she never had the chance to talk with someone about their gender, someone who understood as much as Kindaichi.
Kindaichi told Kuguri she’s bigender and lesbian, which comforted Kuguri more than before of someone like her. As Kindaichi shared her journey with Kuguri, it helped her look at being bigender through a lens that wasn’t her own.
Life became a little easier for Kuguri as Kindaichi supported her throughout the way so far. But it’s one of these days now that makes gender a little more difficult than others.
Kuguri sucks in a breath before looking back in the mirror, “Yeah, I’m fine.” Kindaichi raises an eyebrow before frowning.
“I know you’re not, if you were you wouldn’t be picking at your clothes like that.” Kuguri winces with Kindaichi’s honesty; without Kindaichi, Kuguri would be lying to herself every single day.
Kuguri walks towards Kindaichi in small shuffles before letting out a huff. “It’s just,” she starts, “I feel like a girl today and I want people to see that but wearing extremely feminine things just feels horrible,” she replies irritated, plopping down on a seat next to Kindaichi, wincing at the tightness of the jeans again.
It’s silent between them before Kindaichi speaks up, “Are you just wearing extremely feminine things to prove you’re a girl today so people don’t use the wrong pronouns on you?” Kuguri nods as she looks down.
Kindaichi bites his lips before sighing, “You know you don’t have to.” He says as he shifts into a criss-cross position and faces Kuguri. “You’re uncomfortable as hell in those clothes and you know that.” He tries not to be too harsh towards Kuguri as he rubs her back.
Thinking for a bit, an idea lights up in his head as he reaches into his pocket, pulls out a pink bracelet, grabs Kuguri’s palm, and puts it in her hand. “Use this, I’m wearing one too.” He beams as he raises his wrist which has on a blue bracelet.
Kuguri raises her eyebrow as she looks at the bracelet Kindaichi gave her, “What is this?”
“It’s something I do with my team. Whenever I want people to call me the right pronouns based on how I feel that day, I wear bracelets.” Kindaichi explains as he picks at his bracelet. “My friend Kunimi shared this with me, if I felt more like a boy one day, I would wear the blue bracelet, and more like a girl I would wear the pink one.” He smiles as he pulls out more bracelets from his pockets with different designs but similar colors. “I made a bunch for myself whenever I just want to play with different materials I made, but you can share this concept with your team for them to understand.” He urges as he gives Kuguri a different blue bracelet.
Kuguri is left speechless; she never heard a concept like this, but it somehow made her life a little easier just thinking about it as she slips on the pink bracelet and takes the blue one, “Are you sure? These are yours.” Kindaichi shakes his head.
“I have a ton of these, you will be fine. We can explain to the others about your bracelets, so go change into something more comfortable, okay?” Kuguri is silent at first before opening her arms a little, signaling Kindaichi for a hug, he immediately gets the idea and jumps into a bear hug, having Kuguri fall back onto the bed with an ‘oof’, causing both of them to laugh out loud.
“Thank you Kindaichi.” She smiles, a smile she never shares often, as Kindaichi grins.
“You're welcome!”
They leave Kuguri’s house after she changes into more comfortable clothing, chattering and laughing as Kuguri listens to Kindaichi’s rants while picking at the bracelet he gave her.