Archive of Our Own

I'm pleased to report that we have successfully completed our second contact mission to Bat'El'Shep 2-4. We experienced some minor difficulties resulting from a previously-unknown conflict between the two native species, something which the first contact team failed to notice. Now, I'm not one to question the professionalism of other captains. What I will say, however, is that it seems like poor policy to arrange fleet deployment schedules such that a Sovereign-class starship - say, one whose crew wear workout shirts that say ENTER, which frankly seems like a bit of a come-on - is not doing first contact while also being the only ship in the sector available to respond to emergencies. Otherwise you may miss things like the fact that the magma crabs and the mermaids are fighting a civil war because you had to rush off to prevent pirate poachers from pouncing on Parkelia Prime.

Luckily, once my crew was able to investigate the situation, we were able to quickly determine the root causes of the conflict. It seems that while the crabs are primarily land-dwelling, such that historically there has been little conflict with the mermaids, there has recently been issues with their encouragement of increased volcanism, as their reproductive cycle depends on submerging their eggs in lava flows. Uncontrolled spillover into the coastal areas has wreaked havoc in nearby mermaid communities, as has the damming of several rivers that provide nutrients to the seafaring people.

Once that was discovered, we set to work providing solutions. Our engineering teams in particular were able to teach them ways to use force fields and localized phaser drilling deeper in the continent to control lava flows so that their environmental needs would no longer be in conflict. Our two Cetacean Ops members were also instrumental in liaising with the mermaids.

With this environmental pressure removed, both sides are now rapidly cleaning up damage caused by their conflict and seem to quickly becoming fast friends. Our presence here has given the world a chance at a fresh start. I expect that this new "Magmaid Alliance" will be eligible for Federation membership no time. Overall, I'm very pleased with how smoothly our time here went.

Holy shit, how are we even alive? This mission was completely nuts! Boimler almost got eaten by a magma crab because it didn't realize he was a person. Apparently his purple hair makes him look just like some sort of critter they snack on, and it turns out that twenty-foot-wide crabs that spend a lot of time in magma don't have very precise eyesight. And then Rutherford was down with the Cetacean Ops team setting up a filtration system to remove volcanic dust from the local estuary. A couple of the mermaids and mermen were very interested in making 'first contact' if you know what I mean, but didn't realize that the mask he had on was actually important to him being able to breathe. Matt had to carry him up to the surface so Boimler could give him mouth-to-mouth, and I'm pretty sure they both would have rather just died than deal with the embarrassment of being seen putting their lips together.

Seriously, guys, you literally have a room. Just bang already! Or don't if you're not into that kind of thing. Just leave me out of this unresolved tension!

As if that wasn't enough, one those Delta Shift double dumbasses setting up the phaser drills punctured a magma tunnel that me and T'Lyn were working in. Guess what it got flooded with? Magma! We had to jury-rig a force field out of a tricorder, a phaser, and two portable geological samplers in order to keep from being fried. We spent ten hours stuck in there while they tried to beam us out without turning us into a gooey mess. Have you ever spent that long in a sauna? It's not fun, even for a Vulcan. Let me tell you that this is now how I would have chosen to get all sweaty and sticky with her, especially - uh, you know what, let's leave that out of the log. Anyways, I had to spend an hour in the sonic shower getting the grime off of me, and then mom yelled at me about safety protocols. I know it's because she cares, but maybe direct some of that wrath towards the people who PHASERED the wrong magma tunnel!

Frankly, the fact that the four of us managed to survive a week on this planet is a miracle. I do have to say, though, the mermaids had a really sweet gift shop.

Despite potential setbacks, the mission was accomplished within acceptable parameters. Interpersonal interactions during it suggested intriguing possiblities. I will investigate further.