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Chapter Text

February 15

Royal Woods High School

Royal Woods, MI

Dear Mrs. Guinevere Rivers;

I hope this letter finds you well.

This is Luan L. Loud, a student currently in sophomore year. I am writing this letter to address the scandal I have caused around the school. Following that is my request to shift from face-to-face learning to homeschooling.

First, I apologize for blatantly swearing at my Music and Arts teacher, Mr. Nicolas Fernandez. I have no reason to justify committing such an act. However, I can explain what had driven me to such a state. I will explain all of these in this letter.

Second things second, I want to acknowledge the fact that I have faced multiple challenges in the traditional classroom setting, which have affected me mentally and physically.

With this, I request your esteemed attention to consider the proposal of my switch to homeschool until the end of the academic year.

Call it the law of attraction. Black clung onto her in a way yellow didn't.

The empty half of the document glared at her with searing brightness; look at me! I'm the progress you can never write! Why? Because you're wrong! You're so wrong for thinking that you were ever gonna have a good year!

Yeah, you're right. Luan dropped her chin on her fist, neck radiating sickly heat. This wasn't a good year; it was the best year. Oh, do I wanna soph-on-more!

That was lame, toots.

She darted her eyes to the dim space beside her laptop, her eyes tracing an imaginary image of Mr. Coconuts' figure, where he should've been. Burnt out? He'd roast. More like, burnt into ashes.

How could she not, though? Every night, every day since mom and dad's decision to drop her out of school; left and right, it was an endless bomb blast of attention.

A myriad of friends, teachers, and siblings asking 'why did that happen?'

Some scorning: 'Oh, you're just overreacting, this is why you have to become resilient.'

And some of them giving half-hearted promises: "But in case you ever need anything, I'll be there for you, okay? You're strong. Stand strong. Hugs and kisses, mwah, mwah—" whatever.

The school board repeated the same mantra over and over. Their MO to any kid that stirred an evolution either out or beyond their hands. And lucky them, because anyone that had to remind her only did it once. On the contrary, she had to deal with this when she encountered someone, anywhere. Anyone who had a snippet of the story.

That's the cycle: Answer why and listen to unsolicited advice, power through empty empowerment. Born to scream, forced to bite it back and let them yap. For the sake of her sanity. Or whatever was left of it.

She held her spinning head in her hands, trying to gain stability. Stand strong, even when you're down, wound out. That's what they'd say. Even when you were turning ill in every sense of the word.

They tell her to be resilient, that she's letting herself lose. Yes, it was true. She was drowning, but she let it happen. She was compliant, but only just. Her foot was tied to a brick sinking into the base of the ocean, how long was she supposed to swim before letting it eat her, huh? She could only struggle for so long. She could only float for so long before losing her breath; before it'd fill her lungs and blue surrounded her.

Just this once. She told herself, peering her eyes to the wall: the calendar she marked in red over specific dates. Her lip twitched into a snarl at what she was about to write. Luan loved the idea of adding more to her name. Tales and anecdotes that helped her stir quotes of inspiration if not by telling jokes. Being known as the 'kid who had it but lost it all', was not one of them. They just had to remind her every single time. Her parents, her siblings, the teachers—all of them had a say. The only thing that was ever really talked about around the place. And it was sickening, to be reminded of what you wanna forget.

Now, onto writing the letter.

Or perhaps maybe, a memoir. A mark to hold a memory that she needed to forget.

A reminder that despite her holographic view of everything, what happened was real. Everything was too real. It felt like a fever dream. A coma-induced daymare.

She placed her fingers on the keyboard and straightened her aching back. Then she typed…like a machine automated to work until it broke.

The Problem

Group projects, for quite some time, have been a catalyst for complaints amongst a minority of students around Royal Woods High, myself included. We are given a barrage of endless work. In a day, we are dropped, on average, seven group projects, not including the miscellaneous individual activities and tests. I have endured this for the entirety of the first semester with little to no protest.

However, if the group projects weren't enough, I have two teachers trying to push me down.

I am referring to my Social Studies substitute teacher, Ms. Gwendolyn Dublin, and my Music and Arts teacher, Mr. Nicolas Fernandez. These two teachers are the bane of my school days. If not for them, I wouldn't have snapped like a rubber band stretched wide, far too long.

The Inner Turmoil & The Snap

I was enlightened last Monday, February 12, by our school guidance counselor, that public schools having group projects is a Michigan Department of Education (MDE) regulation, apparently to implement the No Child Left Behind Act of 2001, with the target of aiding the 'denser' students pass.

While this is good, the scales tip more to one side over the other. As one of the better students, if you will, it is not narcissism when I say that when it comes to quality of work, I have set a bar for myself that none of my groupmates or classmates for that matter, can reach. Due to this, I usually end up doing the group work on my own. Our assigned projects could be done solo if only teachers had faith in the consensus.

My inner turmoil had begun since the first month of class in late August but had not skyrocketed until this month—from January 17 to February 9.

I will reiterate the events in their sequence.

Chapter Text

JANUARY 17

Luan wrote that with a grimace.

When the first strike hit.

The evening before showed why giving away the tasks was never a choice in the first place. Give them a task; you receive only half the effort, and like that one gangster I kicked out of our group, no work at all.

That morning, it was a big slap to my face. A reminder that as a student, I have to follow whatever school has in store for me—including its curriculum, and its system.

But what good is a system if it causes mayhem instead of order, then?

I'd be first to tell you that the 'collaborative projects' system is more discriminating than it is uniting.

Did it come as a shocker when high school proved to be ruthless, as everyone told her it'd be? Luan rested a gloved fist under her cheek, eyes scanning the PowerPoint displayed on their classroom TV. Actually, no, her older sisters were being nice; sophomore year is downright insufferable, especially when your peers crown you as their redeeming savior.

"Hey, what're we gonna do?"

In her seat, Luan turned to the back; four group mates staring, waiting for closure. "I'll tell the teacher you guys did the presentation." She said indifferently. "Just go with whatever I say. I got it covered."

If the first semester was what her family thought of her on a normal day, then two weeks in the second must've been how they felt during April Fools.

What's the school's New Year's resolution? Double the projects, and escalate the group work. Then somehow, announcing one after another every day was alright. It's high school after all.

"Luan," She turned her head to find a confused Hannah. "Didn't they say all of us should report?"

She shrugged. "I didn't hear Miss say it; did you?"

The brunette blinked, eyes glazing through her in thought. "No… not really." She said. "But our other classmates were all talking about it."

"Don't worry about them! You don't need to follow the herd like a bunch of disastrous sheep. Where's the risk in that?" Luan waved her wrist dismissively. "We'll be fine."

This report, like many others, was rushed; maybe half-done. There were too many things in her hands, so little time. But that's okay. Ms. Dublin couldn't expect something crazy impressive, which was why she was ready. Ready to exceed that expectation, that is.

The classroom's natural light diminished as the third group's reporter wrapped up her speech. Thank goodness for her being a professional stand-up, huh?

"Who said you were the professional here, toots?" Mr. Coconuts crossed his arms sardonically.

She rolled her eyes. Classic Mr. C.

From the middle of the aisle, Ms. Dublin looked down at a clipboard, "Okay… Loud's group. Next."

Luan sat Mr. Coconuts on her chair as she stood up with her chin up, walking to the front; completely contrasting two of her group mates, Bella and Grace.

"Ready?" Luan handed Grace her pink USB, smiling, trying to exude confidence.

But like they say, a performer's worst enemy is under preparation.

A moment later, Bella connected it to the teacher's laptop, and not a second later their PowerPoint was open. Grace dragged Luan's chair from the front and sat in front of the laptop.

Luan looked to the class, her classmates' anticipating smiles urging her on, and she shot back. Let's get this show on the road.

Luan cleared her throat. Officially beginning the report.

It was about an example of a Community-Based Disaster Risk Management plan; CBDRM for short.

As long as you had the unwavering confidence she had, you could talk about watermelons being fruits and everyone would still have their eyes on you. Now that she was on a roll, eyes on her and all, the stomach knots slowly untangled itself. Luan smiled at their eagerness, pacing back and forth as she thoroughly broke apart every piece of her report. One that involved a table with brief methods to prevent disaster, left for her to thoroughly discuss.

She was explaining the obvious at this point, but like every time she was in front, they listened keenly. Willingly; more than they would in a normal lesson. That's how charming she was.

What went wrong, Luan had no memory. What'd she even say? Who knows? She darted to Ms. Dublin, who sat by the back, wiping a strand of her ginger hair up. She was a vying teacher assigned here for OJT lasting up to the end of the year. If the subject was meh, she was a knock out of the park.

And down to Lazytown. Nothing against her, she was just… flat. Lincoln could yap about his coin collection and still, it'd keep her awake longer.

With her head cocked, she scrutinized the report.

Is she onto us? Luan thought, quickly caught off guard. When she regained her control, she powered through the discussion.

Jealous, much?

A sense of apprehension filled her when Ms. Dublin finally interrupted the speech with a lift of her hand. "Does this have anything to do with the reference map I gave you?"

Luan choked, darting her eyes to the reference map pasted on the board left idle. Heart thumping louder. Wait, we had to use that? I thought—! "Uh… yeah, this entire chart's based off of it." She lied, brushing a strand of stray hair away from her face.

Was it though?

Get a hold of yourself, Luan!

"Then why is it not in use?" She shook her head in reproach, a faint slip of her Irish accent slipping in.

Because why not?

Luan stammered, inwardly cringing as her classmates started giggling. Dang it. She thought. When Lisa offered to help and do everything herself, she should've known to study whatever Lisa wrote down.

Miss Dublin flicked her wrist watch with a grimace. "You failed to follow instructions. Carry on. "

Ow, She held her tongue back. It only hurt because it was true.

Surrounded by silence, the attention no longer felt welcoming.

A deep plunging sensation ripped through her chest. Talk about a tough crowd.

But it's not the first time she's dealt the lower hand. Luan glanced back to the TV, then to her classmates. The show must go on. "Alright… moving on to where we last stopped—"

"Two minutes left. Ms. Dublin tapped her cheek. "Speed it up."

Two minutes!? They weren't even halfway through!

"Alright…" Luan inhaled, her breath blocked by a barrier in her lungs. Her explanation sped up as she leaned against the table, nerves tingling with the jitters of a powder keg ready to burst. Shoot. Their faces, the silence, Dublin's scrutinizing glower. Why's my neck growing warmer? She clenched and unclenched her fist in habit, as if Mr. C could save her now. You're embarrassing yourself.

With a tight grin, Luan rushed through the presentation. It was pointless—just call it the end and that's that.

A bead of sweat rolled down her temple; she wiped it quickly. Two minutes… how many seconds left? "So's" and "ums" came out. A lot of it. She read through it, took two seconds to explain it, then moved on. Pretzels twisted in her belly. Minutes are counting down into seconds, and they're not even halfway through. We can do this, Luan thought, her words spilling and her thoughts working overdrive. We always did this.

And there, her voice caught again. "Are you planning on carrying this entire report?"

Luan clenched her teeth, inhaling slowly. What now? "Y-yes, why?"

Miss Dublin scanned them, like her mind was picking up on something. Her chest hollowed. She wrung her stiff, yet damp gloves together. "What about your whole group?"

All of us should report. Luan gulped. Everyone's eyes were on her like a criminal surrounded by 21 guns. Okay, Luan, okay, don't panic. Don't panic. She pointed to the right side of the room, gesturing to the two guys and one girl. The world spun at that moment. "Over there."

Miss Dublin pinched the bridge of her nose. She felt her body like ice. Shoot. I did something. "I told you to have all members of your group in front during the report. Everybody has a role to play." Miss Dublin grumbled, motioning her finger to their seats. "Sit down."

Luan stayed put, her heart sinking. They weren't even done!

She tightened her jaw. This woman couldn't just throw away her entire night making the PowerPoint. Even if she said that, she had a reason to break that rule!

Her head felt light as the words slipped out her mouth. "But miss, didn't you say scripts weren't allowed?"

With a thin-lipped, impatient scowl, Ms. Dublin confirmed yes.

Luan glanced at her group mates, one of them chewing his nails. You better start explaining. She returned to Ms. Dublin. Better to spill the juice. "It'd be too hard for them to go without it. I... figured it'd be best if I let them do the presentation instead. They still get work done, and nobody gets hurt."

The room fell silent, and she met the rest of her group mates' wide eyes. It was true, that first part, though. They were the ones who said it themselves. Scratching their necks, pleading with her to make them a script because we can't report to save a life, boo-hoo.

What? Too ashamed to admit it?

"Loud, I'm not asking you again." Miss Dublin clicked her tongue. "To your seat. Now."

When they did as she asked, Miss Dublin took over the front. Luan inhaled through jittery nerves. inhaled, her stomach churning with it. Dog-showed.

"So, what did that report teach us all?"

Luan bit the inside of her cheek. At least it's over.

She scanned the room, holding her breath like what her classmates seemed to do. In situations like this, one single word you spew out could get you shot down. Dead humiliated.

Turning back around, she met Miss Dublin's glance. "It doesn't need to be said that I set you all up for groups to test your cooperation skills," she said. "And as you see, Loud's group failed to do just that."

Oh, so now we failed to cooperate? Luan's jaw clenched, the words bubbling up her throat, threatening to slip. We all set on an unspoken agreement that I do everything, and now we failed to cooperate?

The slip. The slip. Don't forget. She swallowed her lunging heart down, slipping her hand into Mr. Coconuts.

She could feel their stares, watchful eyes grazing her. They expected her to start up a ruse, a debate, maybe even joke about it.

No.

Anything you do or say… Luan exhaled. We can't risk it. We just can't.

Miss Dublin raised her brows at her in a cocky manner, almost as if to look down on her. "This is the leader, everyone. Number one rule-breaker." Luan kept a straight face, even as she made Mr. Coconuts scowl. She's assuming things. She always does that. Ignore it. Ignore it. She's just… Trying to pull at your strings.

Get it?

Mr C. turned to look at her. You wouldn't. He'd say. You're not a puppet, dummy.

"You're supposed to be the role model in your group, yet somehow, you keep looking for new rules to follow." Miss Dublin added.

Luan fought the urge to roll her eyes. Oooof course. Forgive me for just… I dunno, having common sense? It was either to perform excellently at the cost of disobeying the notion that everyone in the group had to report, or to humiliate her groupmates, and force them to report in front in turn for breaking the no-scripts rule. Had they been given a longer time, she could've just had them memorize a script, but no. They were so smart, they wouldn't need any of that, right?

Luan sighed the turmoil out, glaring down at the ground instead. Remember what Principal Rivers and Oliver said.

She sat Mr. Coconuts on her lap, glancing at her groupmates. Sure enough, they were upset. Heck, might be a little mad judging by the heat in their gaze… at her.

And she fought back the urge to scoff. Like you guys would've shaved off sleep to do what I did.

Miss Dublin shook her head, steering back to the class. "Next group."

Grace tapped her shoulder and handed her the USB back as all five members of the next group got up. A blonde girl confidently strode to the front, Whitney. A try-hard, that was all there was to her.

When Whitney began speaking, Luan pursed her lips. And look at that. She exhaled; watching her cover her face with a sheet of paper.

Ridiculous. She's reading an outline!

No eye contact, no engaging with the audience. She practically hid her face beneath the index card. And that voice—not to hate or anything, but what is that narration? If they had a competition for the most robotic voice, she'd beat Todd in a heartbeat!

She turned to Ms. Dublin, who sat calmly on her seat, in the middle of the aisle. Okay, going solo for the report made her flip instantly, but not this?

Luan fiddled with the sling of her USB. Yet somehow, it was justified now.

She leaned back, reading into them. Whitney's co-members looked like they were about to burst into laughter any second. Bashful and grinning sheepishly, shifting their weight from one to another leg. Yeah… not really the picture of exuberant confidence. She couldn't blame them though. Not everyone is fortunate with the caliber that she had.

"Round of applause, please!" Huh? What?

She snapped back to reality, right as the students bowed.

Oh.

How much'd I miss?

Miss Dublin took over the class, papers with their names in hand. Luan brushed a little dust off Mr. Coconuts shoulder, hands rigid. After that breakdown of a report, sure enough, their grade was already secured in the F- tier, but oh well, let's hear it coming straight from the source!

"I wanted to see how you students would deal with the strain in time," Miss Dublin smiled. "And suffice to say, I'm impressed with the chemistry and production I found in each group, so you all deserve a perfect mark of seventy."

The class broke into cheers, except for her.

Luan's eyebrows furrowed. Impressed? With what the other groups did? She wondered. Whitney's group was just one example. She was lost the moment the other groups said good afternoon. What're you? A clown?

"Except for Loud's group; who only get thirty out of seventy."

Luan jolted, barely registering the gasps slipping into her ears.

No. She was the whole circus.

"How come?" Luan blurted out. What're the bases? Where are the rubrics? If she's just gonna be throwing out perfect scores to the other groups who also broke the rules, why did their group have to go down by forty points?

Miss Dublin turned to her with a sorry look. "For one, you broke two instructions: You didn't use the reference map, and you hogged the stage and left out two—no four of your group mates behind."

She opened her mouth to speak, but quickly shut it, chest hollowing. Well… yeah, in fairness, she had no idea what the heck she was gonna do with the map. But… her group mates… it's not like she could let them report!

"But it's not like I left them behind, right? They still did the PowerPoint. Part of them did the research." Luan fought to keep her mouth from twitching up. Just pretend that they did. "The other group read guides throughout their reports but you didn't call them out."

Miss Dublin shook her head and tucked her laptop under her arm, looking far from answering her. She could keep talking back and take a shot in the dark—aiming for a fair negotiation, but nah. With a young student-teacher as stubborn as Miss Dublin? She'd given up on trying to wheeze answers out of her forever ago.

The room was noisy enough to drown out the door shutting after Miss D walked out. Hm. Even Lola's more mature than that. Luan smirked. Coward.

Eh, it's only one failure. Mishaps happen. Uncompensated as it was, there's a next time. A second chance to make a better comeback.

When the bell rang, Luan shot up, pulled her phone out of her backpack, and opened her to-do list, full of work.

And she had a lot of second chances.

There was a test tomorrow in Science, a small pop sheet she had to do for her Home Economics elective, and some other stuff that took too long to read. She walked out the room, dismissing anyone in her regard.

After all, life's too short to uncross that bridge; there was a list she had to cross out. Call it the end and that's that.

I never got the chance to ask her since. She avoided me every time I tried approaching her.

Luan squeezed through a crowd of other students. At least it was all over.

For now.

What happened to individualism? To when she'd pass her projects earlier than the deadline because she didn't go through the inconvenience of waiting for her group mates to get the job done?

Maybe that's how Lori felt when she moved into the small garage at the back of their house; free to do as she pleased. No more worrying about pesky kids ready to ruin her fun. Or drag her down if she wanted to do something.

"Loud! Luan Loud!"

Turning around, a lanky man sped-walked towards her. She stopped on her feet. Mr. Fernandez. Nice guy. The type who didn't land as a drummer in a famous band so he fell back here. Unlike most teachers, he knew what he was teaching about music. He knew what he was doing.

But she didn't really care much for the subject, so he was meh.

Luan beamed. "Hey, Mr. Fern. What's up?"

"About the report," He took a breath, clearing his throat before standing back straight. "Please remind your group that it'll be tomorrow."

She blinked.

This morning, each group had been assigned to report on different days: he mentioned theirs to be the first one to present. But he didn't say it was tomorrow.

But of course, it'd be. Of course.

But after all this? I can't handle another load! "Uh, I-I-but… that fast? I mean, no offense, but…" Luan paused before taking a breath. "What about this Friday instead? Is that okay?"

Bargaining in high school never worked.

But it didn't hurt to jump into the same booby trap. Again.

Disapproval flickered behind his gold glasses. Dang it. "No can do, Loud. I'm still catching up with the curriculum after my one-week vacation. We have to have all the topics covered up by the end of this month."

And is this my problem? "Um… I…"

The two words, "I'll pass" hung by the tip of her tongue, but his stare was intense. He radiated an aura of authority.

This wasn't a request. It was a command.

She scratched her nape and laughed sheepishly. "You can count on me."

Her smile strained tightly. No, you can't.

He nodded with a growing smile. "You're one of my best students, Loud. I trust that you can work this out with your groupmates. Make sure nobody gets left behind."

Nobody gets left behind because of me. The prospect of trust had never sounded so mortifying. Just because of me.

Luan grinned tightly. Her cheeks kinda hurt. "It'll be no sweat! Geddit?

He chuckled. "Best of luck for you and your group."

She watched as Mr. Fernandez promptly strolled away onto a sharp corner hall. Luck, huh. Luan's shoulders sagged as she walked down the corridor, the dreary gray of the outside world glazing through glass doors. What a punchline, ha ha ha.

Exiting through the entrance, she searched for either purple or sea foam. Blonde and brunette.

Honk! Honk!

Luan turned her head, and saw Vanzilla by the sidewalk. Leni's silhouette waved at her from the driver's seat. Oh, there she is.

Luan walked to the van, sliding the door open as the warm air wafted over her like a wool blanket.

"Why do people call it a van?" Luan hopped in the backseat. "It makes people van-ish."

"I don't get it." Leni scrunched her face through the rearview mirror. "No rehearsals today?"

"Nope. It's M,W, F." Luan rolled her eyes. "Hey, we're one man short. Where's Luna?"

"She just texted," Leni flashed her the message. "Oh, it's a voicemail!"

Upon pressing the play button, the sounds of chanting students reverberated. They both exchanged confused glances before Luna's voice came into the mail; oh boy, was it living up to her last name. "On the way, dudettes! Just got a lil hold up with the crowd wave!" More screaming ensued. "They all throwing up the goats and rockinnnn!"

Crowd wave? Luan tapped her forehead against the window, eyeing the doors to the high school. The cheering continued a few more seconds before finally cutting off.

Leni frowned in confusion, pulling the screen to her face. "Like, I didn't realize that people could become water! Maybe her music has magic, who knows?"

The silence stretched for minutes until Luna came out along with The Moon Goats from the far distance, trailing an amassable crowd behind her. They were holding their phones up as Luna skipped backward, throwing a punch to the air as everyone did so too.

"Wow, look at that." Leni mused. "Another day, another gig!"

"Yep, that's Luna, alright." Luan hugged her bag tight, headspace cluttered. The heck was she gonna tell her group later? Another last-minute announcement? Third time this week? "Wonder what that's for."

When the crowd parted ways, and so did The Goats, Leni honked the horn as Luna pointed a finger gun at Sam before running in their direction. Not long, she slid the door open to the front seat, taking her cap off. "Yo, dudes!"

"Luna, that was awesome! What were you guys up to?" Leni squealed.

"Well…" Luna dusted her shoulders off with a bashful laugh.

Leni hit the gas pedal as Luna began explaining. Something about a small band routine with her mates in the middle of the cafeteria that blew up because everyone dug their songs. "Everyone was swinging," She bragged. "Some of 'em even tried to waltz to a rock and roll song."

"Talk about melting cold feet," She chimed along, just to keep them out her radar. "Get it?"

One gave a confused look, and the other, a groan.

And yeah, Luna talked over her, and said those students eventually followed them to the end of the entrance like they were ganging up for a rally or something.

Leaning her head on the window, Luan watched as the school building shrunk with every move forward down the road. It vibrated against her temple, the soft buzz massaging the tension out of her body. Lavender-scented air freshener beckoned her with each inhale. Fall asleep… Come on, it'll only be for like, ten minutes. Or however long it takes to get home.

Her eyes fluttered open. What about your project? What about all the reports? Your test? Your other projects? Shouldn't you be planning what you're supposed to do? Shouldn't you be doing them the moment we land back in our room?

She leaned back, heaving. If she couldn't sleep with all these thoughts in mind, at least she could bask in this seat. Props to Dad for finally getting Vanzilla some help instead of going cheap and relying on child labor—er, Lana.

Now ol' girl felt like an actual vehicle; a temporary retreat from the hellhole that school is, not some broken-down junk that tempted her to take the bus instead.

"All spent, lil' sis?" Luna glanced at her from the rearview mirror.

Meeting her eyes through the reflection, Luan raised her eyebrows, deadpan. Captain Obvious.

"Tell me 'bout it.", Luna laughed, brushing her fingers through her hair. "Our teach gave us a test about the things he yapped about just yesterday, then he gave us an ear-lashing for failing!"

Luna's feeling chatty today, and she gave the rocker half a smile. For someone who's supposedly frustrated, that's a pretty upbeat way to go about it.

"Let me guess, it's Mr. Jonas, is it?" Leni chimed in. "He's kinda on the meanie side but he is cute!"

"Uh… gross, dude."

The conversation left her behind as Leni and Luna joked around. Not her business. She rested her head on the window. Voices buzzed above the surface of the sea. The dull ache on her neck and back subsided. Was she underwater? Luan internally giggled. Picture a beach. We're on vacation, away from the winter. Away from homework. Yeah… her eyes grew heavier. That'd be awesome.

The seat jolted to a slight halt, and she was knocked back to the borderline of consciousness. She crossed her arms, closed her eyes as the world swirled into oblivion…almost there…can almost taste dreamlcrghr…

KNOCKKNOCKKNOCK

It sounded like a gunshot! Luan jumped as the door slid open with a whoosh, greeting her with a scowl from Lynn. Holy shamo— "Scooch over, funny face." Lincoln inserted himself in front of her and slipped in. "Ten of us gotta share this van, you know."

…Moly.

Blinking groggily, still processing everything, Luan slid over to the left door.

Wish Mom and Dad stopped after me sometimes.

In a family this big, sharing a car ride was like riding a school bus. On the plus side, it is better to bicker over who farted in the van again than to have some rando's drool smeared on your blouse.

Lincoln climbed in first. "Don't mind her." He looked over his shoulder. "She got benched during gym class."

Lynn shoved his head forward, causing him to grunt. "Will you shut your yap, Stinkin'?"

"Guys! No roughhousing in Vanzilla!" Leni scolded.

The van rolled. The pain of having siblings sometimes; their shenanigans made you wish you were the only kid. Kids like Clyde get special privileges, like sleeping in their SUV on the way home to school—unlike them. Just a short-stop to the elementary school and daycare, and there goes her already slim chance of sneaking a nap in Vanzilla.

She wrinkled her nose. Way to ruin the day. Yay.

Oh, that rhymed. Heheh.

When they picked up the remaining six girls, the van was tighter; louder than before. She watched with heavy eyes as they drove closer to the street sign of Franklin Avenue. Leni turned left. Almost there. Luan felt the canvas of her bag, counting down the front yards as the messy, untrimmed grass of their lawn appeared nearer in sight. Closer and closer to doing homework, to making those projects again. Home had never felt more dreadful. Yay.

At last, Leni parked Vanzilla in the driveway and turned the ignition off. Without another word, Luan slid the door open and walked out with the rest of her siblings.

When everyone followed, Leni and Luna came out of the van last, exchanging looks. "Luan's acting like, really strange."

A once normal ride home never felt whole without at least one quip from her. It's like producing punk rock without the explosive chorus. A frown formed on Luna's face. Not that she was worried. "She's probably just ready to hit the hay. You checked the rearview earlier when she came in? She was right about to pass out."

A pause ensued as Leni pondered. "But still… shouldn't she be, like, giddy? I heard she was on the honor roll?" A sense of suggestion oozed in her voice. "But she didn't say a single thing about it."

They walked to the front porch. Luna turned to Leni with nonchalance dancing in her eyes. She's heard the news too. "Sis, y'know how she is. Luan's probably just humbling herself again, waiting for someone to push it outta her before she fesses up; surprise, surprise!" Luna popped her palms open in mockery before dropping them to her sides. "Don't worry 'bout it!"

Leni nodded slowly, even if the back of her mind burned the contrary of Luna's words. "I'll try not to."

Chapter Text

Her hand slid up the stairs. With the ride being over, Luan could finally close her eyes for a minute without Lincoln and Lynn tussling every two seconds, and the twins behind her clashing like fire and ice.

That was my time; I'm Luan Loud—and the joke's over.

Closing the door behind her, Luan yanked her earmuffs off, strapped her backpack off, and dropped it on the bed along with Mr. Coconuts.

The work isn't, though.

She flopped down her bag, yelping it jutted onto her back. As if lying down on her responsibilities will push her into doing it.

Hey, if she didn't have it below her, she'd probably end up forgetting about doing them at all.

The room darkened with the beams of light dimming outside. She dropped her head on the pillow glancing at the clock on her nightstand. Almost four, but she couldn't care, at least not with a heavy head.

With a tired groan, she threw an arm over her eyes. Fatigue knocked her mind into fuzzy sop, and her eyelids drooped. School isn't like clowning around. You couldn't just juggle tests while balancing on a report you're leading and expecting things to go smoothly. Not when the road you're riding through is muddy, full of deadbeat fools doing nothing but riding at the back of your unicycle in a wagon labeled 'group mates.'

Dang, she snorted. Where do I get those analogies?

In her newfound sense of ethical morality, even indulging in a few hours of resting after school felt sinful. Anything that can be done right now, has to be done.

She jolted up as Luna barged into the room, muttering about how Leni and her ended up being last to get in the house.

"Talk about a slow entrance, geddit?" Luan laughed. She could almost hear Luna roll her eyes.

Pushing herself up on shaky arms, Luan yanked her bag from under her and felt for her phone out the pocket. Alright. She leaned her back up on the headboard. The music report. She opened Snaptalk. They knew she was preoccupied over yesterday's report. Someone should've taken the initiative by now.

Some of them were online… hm.

Nope. Nada. Not even a group chat was created yet.

Luan grumbled, opening the latest message received.

"Hey, Loud," It said. "What do we do for our report in Music?"

If her expectation was a hot air balloon in her chest, this text was a toothpick deflating it. Why even expect?

She had been too much of a try-hard in the first semester, studying and showing off every time to establish herself as intelligent, diligent. It worked too hard.

A part of her reconsidered; maybe waiting for someone else to do it would show them… nah. She made the group chat anyway, with half the resentment as she added everyone in. The sooner this got swept out of the way, the sooner she'd have time to spare for studying. A few clicks later, Group 1 (MUSIC) was created.

With a sigh, she began typing, about how it was announced last-minute that tomorrow was their report, and that as a result, she'd do the PowerPoint herself to keep them and herself from worrying.

Yes. Her team had an I in it. She'd always been a one-woman performer anyway, not counting Mr. C. Only this time, add leader into the title. As both, she knew her peers well. Knew all the things that made them tick, all the things that kept them engaged in reports, in performances. She knew that no, they can't reach my standards. And to those who come close, well... she studied them like Karl Marx theorizing key concepts on capitalism because if she was aiming for the top, she had to know who was reigning the throne, and how to overthrow them.

There wasn't much to go by, though. Out of five, only three students truly stood out of he batch. She could faintly recall one being an immigrant from Korea; a Math and Science whiz. He was bad at speaking English, so that's one thing he had to work on. Then there was the teacher's pet, Whitney. Everyone knew she was a pick-me girl. The guy who played DnD during free time, and a walking knowledge parasite. Only issue there being he didn't choose to excel.

But Luan, oh, she's the full package.

…Grouped with nobodies. Lowkey kids that would mirror Lynn or Luna's nonchalance. Try all she could by teaching them how to row, but they didn't wanna learn. If she wanted to make this work, and dominate the honor's list on her own—she was gonna drive in that direction herself. "I'm still plotting this out, so leave your chats on for updates."

She paused, staring blankly at the screen.

Then she continued:

"Study the material I gave out. Mr. Fernandez is gonna call out random members to report."

She dropped the phone on her lap. Trust? Relying on others? As if. Luan's life was all about comedy, but their works. Were a joke. Unlaughable jokes. Unsalvageable.

Then again, if she looked at herself a year from then, she probably wouldn't trust herself to do any part of a group work either.

But when she worked, it worked. Nothing is more exhilarating than to be put on a pedestal, to be glorified by her doings; to celebrate having her in the group because she's the most reliant person in the room. It was and still is.

Break time over. Irritation buzzed in as she felt the sound of her plastic-covered notebooks crackle under her elbow. The work resumes now.

"Yo, Lu, keep the room warm for me, will ya?" Luna slung her guitar bag over her body. "Got a gig at The Burnt Bean. Might not be home till seven."

"Don't come home acting like the burnt bean, alright?" Luan shot her a teasing grin. "Get it?"

"What can I say?" Luna snorted as she opened the door. For how she groaned over the puns, she secretly liked it too. Luan knew. "It's a bean-zy day, after all."

Luan grimaced. "Could use some work, sis." She chided. "Actually, make that lots."

They shared a laugh, before Luna shut the door.

Ding. She picked her phone up.

"Heyaaa, I read the chat. Mind if I give you a hand?"

She didn't even notice the goofy hearts-in-eyes smile she wore.

Benny had been in the hospital over his mom's ulcer all the time, barely given the chance to do school work when he had a parent to take care of as well.

It's so hard to be mad at him now with all that he's going through. Of course, he couldn't be burdened with more responsibility now. Not when it's tomorrow. He was still stressed out with family complications and missed time. Luan couldn't add up to it for a project she's monitoring just fine.

"It's all good, Benny. I got it under control. Just study the topic. You know what I mean. ;)"

Luan dropped the phone beside her, grin faltering. She could feel her nightstand clock barely glazing her, laughing; the joke's on you, it'd say. You're under my control.

Her heart jumped at the sound of a knock.

It creaked open, as a tuft of white hair creeped in. "Oh, hey Linc; Lily. What's up?"

"Hope I'm not disturbing you." Lincoln slid himself through the door, cradling Lily in his arms. "Is Luna around?"

"Nah. I was just about to study." Luan said. "She went off to another gig. "Borrowing her mixtapes again?"

Lincoln froze, his cheeks flushing. "I thought she kept that a secret!"

Luan giggled. It wasn't intentional. From outside the room she heard Luna singing: "My jams must be that rockin'; mixes got Link vibin'," and when the door opened a second later, Luna was over the moon flustered.

Luan crossed her arms and shrugged. "I got sharp ears."

"And a sharp mind too, I guess." Lincoln mumbled sheepishly. "Cuz that's exactly what I'm here for. You know where she keeps this stuff for storage?"

She gestured her head to their closet. "It's in a box; you'll know it when you see it."

Lincoln put Lily down and she babbled. He went to the closet, opened it, scanning inside without another word. "You uh," Lincoln shot a glance at her. "You still on hiatus? No gigs, or anything?"

If only. "Uh-huh. I haven't been in business since before school started. I can't just juggle them all at once." Luan smiled as Lily attempted climbing up her bed. She picked her up. "And no, if you're asking, I don't have any more chocolates in my stash from the last birthday party we went to."

"What? No, don't worry about that. I still got some in mine." He said, pulling out a box with Luna's name written in marker. "What about… pranks? You're not planning on an elaborate one right now, are you?"

Lily cooed at that.

Every time.

Lincoln caught a pattern that whenever she was gonna pull one out, she'd be just a tad bit quieter than normal, and called it the calm before the storm. What? Pranking is hard work; takes lots of brain and less talk.

"It's the unspoken rule, Lincoln: Pranksters never reveal when they strike." Luan said smugly. "But seriously, nope. Nothing's up. If anything, everything's going down. Get it?" Luan let out her trademark laugh. Even to herself, it sounded dry. "You guys better be thankful that school's holding me back. I would've pulled the bucket on you just for asking me that."

Lincoln glanced at her again, seeing her wave her phone. "Another group project, huh?"

She nodded, resting her gaze on the phone, checking for new texts. "Better write it down, Linc, this is gonna be you in five years."

"Me hogging all the work? Never. I'm too good at reading people." One plastic tape was slapped above the growing pile beside him. "In a family this big, I've learned a lot about leading a clan; one rule of thumb—" He stood up with a grunt, five mixtapes in hand, then approached her and tried to pick Lily up but she fussed around. "—Is that you just gotta utilize whatever they're good at into what you're making. Convenient, and cooperative. It's a win-win for everyone."

That was an idealistic idea. Luan found herself a little offended. That's how she saw it too, at first. What happens when they're good at nothing, though? "Time will be the judge of that." She said ominously, her expression darkening. Lily nestled herself in her arms, gurgling in agreement.

He rolled his eyes before going to the door. "Don't overwork yourself again." Lincoln turned to her one last time, holding the knob in hand. "I don't think Lucy's got a coffin that fits your size."

"Get outta here." Luan scoffed playfully, waving a dismissive hand. He walked out without closing the door.

And there the clouds cleared out as soon as he left. He was onto her. Lincoln was good at that. Reading them. Seeing through their facades and all. If she gave more of it away, all of the girls will be huddled up before her, threatening to know which teacher messed with her in no time.

A subtle chill traced her spine. The horror.

"Are you okway, big sis?" Lily turned up to her. She couldn't help but smile at the innocent gleam in her eyes.

At least babies couldn't tell. On others… if they could even tell. You know what I mean.

Forcing the voice out of her head, Luan turned to the toddler and bopped her nose, laughing at the way Lily's eyes followed the tip of her finger. "Of course, silly. Why wouldn't I be?"

She always considered Lily one of her closest sisters. She was more like Lincoln in this case though, since everyone loved her as their baby sis. How could they not? Life could hit the fan right now, but one little babble from her was all it took to forget things for a minute. It helped that only she and Leni could make out what Lily said, and only Lily truly appreciated her love for comedy.

"You look down," Lily frowned; melting her heart into mush. She didn't wanna make her favorite baby sister wallow in misery all because of the cry of teenage angst. She's too young to be feeling that way!

She shook her head and smiled. This time, without feeling the strain in her cheeks. "Wanna hear a joke, Lil'ster?"

"Pun! Pun!" Lily clapped. The melody of her laughter pushing out her thoughts away in a cloud of smoke.

"Okay, okay!" Luan giggled, sitting Lily on her lap and squishing her cheeks. She paused and scrambled into her mind to think of one. Think of one... come on! She couldn't just leave Lily hanging!

The toddler rocked her feet back and forth as she fiddled with Luan's squirting flower.

Screw it. It was lame, but it's not like it took a lot for babies to laugh. "I got one!" Luan ruffled her tuft of blonde hair. "What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? Frostbite! Isn't that just the coolest pun ever? I'd say it's n-ice!"

As expected, Lily clapped, wanting more. And so, Luan joked the time away; letting Lily squirm in hysteric laughter. She thought more and more and progressively harder. It came normally to her. Almost like instinct. Lily kept wanting more, wringing the towel until its color drained out. Luan mentally prayed she'd cut it out. My brain hurts.

Thankfully, Lily did come winding down. Her eyelids fluttered and she let out a yawn. It took Luan a second to realize that her eyelids had dropped too.

No. I can't sleep yet. Too much homework. Yawning along, Luan cradled her baby sister just as her eyes dropped to a close.

Lucky Lily.

She stood up from the bed and walked over to her room, passing by an undisturbed Lisa fixating on mixing fruity chemicals. No matter how much she insisted on it being hazardous, at the end of the day. she was still a toddler looking like playing with paint. With a small peck to the forehead, she gingerly placed the already snoring Lily into her crib.

Just another job well done, Luan. She thought with a satisfied smile. It's the perk of being the funniest older sister in the face of the planet.

Fighting the urge to coo at her sleeping form, Luan returned to her room. Shutting the door and making sure the lock worked this time, she stacked all her notebooks together and sat on the bed.

"How long was I out?" She glanced at Mr. Coconuts, face down on her mattress. Luan picked him up and sat him by the wall.

"Go back to sleeping, Mr. C. Sorry for disturbing you."

She glanced at the nightstand clock, a gasp slipping through. It's been an hour already!?

Dang.

Luan crossed her legs on the bed, opened her bag and pulled a notebook up; the one that she had to make a Powerpoint of by tonight: Music.

Page one. Vocal Forms of African Music. I wasted time.

Page two. Types of Ethnic African Instruments. Come to think of it, when's the last time I had fun?

Page three: Music Genres and where they originated from. Doesn't matter.

Her jaw tightened. She failed once, and this report served as a challenge. A new task to conquer.

That is- Luan yawned again- if she wasn't so groggy… God, the caffeine rush must've worn out.

She blinked rapidly, trying to exercise the weight off her eyelids. Come on, wake up. Wake. Up. The sooner you get this done, the sooner you can rest.

But she still had twenty slides to make, all on her sluggish laptop. Luan scanned the scribbles on the notebook again. And then there was Home Economics, and—

"The basic form of African Vocal Music—" Eyebrows furrowed; jaw clenched; Luan read out loud. Like what dad always said. If you can't drown your thoughts out, let your voice out.

"—Is choral singing, also known as call and response where one singer (soloist) or small group of singers sings a line…"

I can hear it; it sounds like a chore-us. Her mind whispered. Can't we just call it a day?

Luan pulled the notebook down, rubbing her tired eyes. That was lame. Even for me.

"Just gotta make it 'til dinner." She set her eyes firmly on the messy notes. "I can do this."

Snap!

It wasn't even dinner time yet.

Luna snickered in amusement at her snoring sister, briefly swiping at her phone to the permanent image of Luan in that position. She's as dead as snapped strings.

As per usual during this time of the day.

Tiptoeing her way to the closet, she threw the tote sack, full of junk and root beers from earlier's gig in there and shut it.

Careful not to make a single step, she slipped out of her guitar case and leaned it on the drawer that stood beside their bed, hovering over to Luan. Her chest heaved steady through the blanket. Still clad in her outside outfit, Luna trailed her eyes down. Yep, even her socks were still on. Barely popped out the blanket. Dozed off without any intention, again. Like every other day.

A notebook was crushed under her weight, and her backpack still occupied half of the space beside her. With a snort, Luna gingerly lifted her bag out, and closed the notebook before leaving it at her nightstand. Better her own room than, I dunno the classroom… like some murmurs from a little bird she heard.

Tiny zits broke out on her once flawless skin. Her eyes were hollow and dark underneath, and something about her face looked older than a week before. Puberty couldn't be it though. She was turning into an academic zombie, that's what Linc would theorize.

Something about her features looked serene under the bright lights. And it's cool, because she's an incredibly light sleeper to begin with.

Pun intended.

Could have been her influence, but Luan liked throwing caution to the wind. Give her B's, that didn't stop her from "B-ing cool", and D's? "D-ere's always a next time!". Both of them were the wildest of the bunch. Being in a classroom expected to follow the same rules they could barely manage to stay in line with at home. Luan took that idea to heart more than she did; not even school rules stopped her from unleashing her feral urges. She's the same gal who dared to start food fights every now and then. The one who pranked the teachers without a second thought.

All she had ever done was cut a class or two— snuck out the room window with Sam, but that's as far as her bad record went. And people supposed she was the baddie of the Loud house. Never judge an axe by its casing, dudes.

Luna plopped herself down her bean bag chair, taking her cap off and unzipping her coat. Since school started, Luan's surely playing out a new persona. No news of her getting reported for her hijinks; no remorseful mom repeatedly apologizing on the telephone only to tell them it was Luan's teacher; no irritated dad grounding her from everything comedy–nothing.

Call her crazy, but even if Luan took all-nighters and afternoon naps; walked around with dark circles and cloudy eyes all the time, this was progress. She was finally growing up, and out of her questionable ways. Accepting that there were real consequences over starting food fights and slipping whoopee cushions underneath benches; that unlike in middle school, which was free real estate—around here, there was duty (something Luna hated just as much) and there was honor.

Yeah, looks like the process itself hurt. But that's how change goes sometimes. Talk about growing pains.

It didn't take long to change out her outfit, considering her casual one was right underneath. Luna peeled her lavender leggings off and hung it along her coat inside the closet. She stepped out of the room, shutting the lights off before slowly closing the door. Making sure that anyone who crossed their way to this door kept out.

Dinner was ready downstairs. She told the table that Luan fell asleep again, just another one out of too many times already. The 'rents shared the concern, but decided to go against acting upon it, deciding that they'd let this slide for a couple of days before deciding to do something about Luan's body clock.

The other siblings complained, going against it with Lynn going as far as attempting to wake Luan up, but Luna stopped her and all of them from protesting. "Give her a break; Luan hasn't been getting enough z's lately."

"Then why do all of us have to follow the bedtime schedule while she doesn't?" Lola protested.

Yeah, it is unfair, to the ones who haven't seen or went through what they've been through.

"Cause she's got work left and right. Can't do that under just one noon, brah." The subs stared at her skeptically. "You dudes will get it when you're our age."

Leni shuddered. "Sometimes I wish I could go back to kindergarten instead."

They stared at her blankly. "What? I haven't gotten nap time since 1st grade!"

"You had nap times in first grade!?" Lana asked incredulously.

Mom and dad vouched for them, much to the chagrin of Lincoln and the rest of the sisters. Like most nights, her dinner was kept in the fridge. All she had to do was microwave it when she woke up. And like every other evening, Luan stayed asleep until the Louds went to bed. Pajama clad, Luna came back into the room, one step away from hitting dreamland, only to find her still knocked out, almost hanging off the bed, snoring louder than before.

Deciding that her position looked ridiculous, Luna reached out to the drawer and grabbed her phone, snapping a shot to show her tomorrow. Perfect.

She turned the light off and climbed up her bed in the name of muscle memory. The moment she closed her eyes, everything went dark.

Chapter Text

"Mate. Mate."

She yelped from two things; the noise, and the glaring light cutting through her eyes.

"Huh?" She blinked out the haze; hearing her voice muddled in sleep.

It hit her, and so did the sudden spike of frustration. Luan shot up, arm shielding her from the flashlight scorching her face. She fell asleep. Again. "Luna!"

"Good morning to you too, lil' sis," Luna muttered dryly.

She hissed through burning eyes. "Get that off my face!"

There was shifting above her before the light went out.

Luan groaned, head heavy. Still feeling a tad bit disoriented. "Ugh, what time is it?"

"One in the o'clock," Luna replied.

Crap. She tossed her blanket to the side and threw her legs at the edge of the bed. Her light yellow leggings were still on, and so was her coat.

Luna dropped her head back on the pillow, grumbling. "You were completely out of it. What kinda juice were you on?"

Luan stood up, guiding herself with the light seeping into the window. She walked over to her vanity mirror and snatched her laptop.

"Juice?" She asked knowingly, a mischievous grin grew on her face.

"I'm serious, dude." Her voice took an exasperated, stern tone. "You didn't drink… sneak anything out the closet, did you?"

"I don't know, let me take a shot in the dark." She smirked, returning to her bed. "I think the bottle said Jack's? Or was it Budweiser?"

"Dude…"

"No, wait, I think it was Mom with the margas? Or was it—"

"Just shut it." Luna draped an arm over her eyes. "You're lucky you didn't sleepwalk to the hallway or somethin', got caught drinking, cuz then I'd get into serious trouble!"

Luan was all too familiar with the additional care packages she sometimes brought home. Hiding it from her was like being ice under the sun. "So, you did bring some of it in?"

"Chunk insisted," Luna admitted sheepishly, and despite being a bunk above her, Luan could imagine the sheer embarrassment on her face. "I was gonna... I don't know, keep that as a gift for Dad's half-bday again or somethin'… Not like I'd drink it."

"Sure…" Luan teased. She sat back on her bed, leaving the laptop slightly ajar as she wiggled her finger to the power button. Luan rubbed her eyes. "Was I that bad?"

There was a long pause. Luan almost thought she had fallen back to sleep. "You were talkin' tipsy and all. Thought you were bickering with Mr. C or somethin'."

"Huh…" Luan propped her pillow up and plopped on it, positioning the laptop on her lap. Eight hours; wasted. Great. What even was this sleep schedule anymore? "Did I blurt out a good pun?"

"Nah. You were going on and on about wanting a break." Luna paused for a moment. "You good?"

"Lincoln, and now, you?" Luan groaned in annoyance, tracing the loop on her screen. "Why's everybody asking me that?"

"We wouldn't if you'd stop actin' like you're buzzed out twenty-four seven." She heard Luna's bed shifting before her head reappeared. "Homework again?"

Luan sat crossed-leg, hunching over right as her desktop appeared. "That sounds lame. I'd call it 'work from home'."

She rolled her eyes. "Since when'd we get paid to do 'em?"

Luan returned her joke with a faint chuckle. Clicking echoed in the room as words flowed freely from her fingertips. Her dewy eyes glistened with the light bathing her face.

Luna glimpsed back and forth between the laptop Luan typed on and her stubbornly stuck face. Doing overtime for work was normal until she started preparing their upcoming theater performance for the Festival of Talents. Now that's when her sleep really took a hit.

Her eyes darted between the document Luan was writing and her face. Almost robotic-like. Like Lisa working on her weird crap studies; Lincoln with his mini-jet models. It's alien-like to see her dead-serious over something before. Then she noticed something, relatively insignificant, but still. "You're not even gonna get cozy with your threads, brah?"

Luan stopped typing, snapping her head to Luna. Feeling unnerved at the sudden stillness coming from her. "Staring is rude, you know. Especially when you're hung like that." A grin bloomed on her face. "Unless you're Lucy."

She forcefully pulled herself back up. "I'm just saying; you didn't even change out your trench."

Luan scoffed and continued writing on her essay. "Yeah, okay."

Luna dropped back to her pillow, a part of her wanting to laugh. For a second, she really thought Luan was over here sneaking a little taste of the forbidden fruit. She forgot she had a little tendency to sleeptalk.

Sleep-arguing sorta counted, right?

She yawned, but quickly blinked the sleep away from her eyes as she realized something. "Wait, don't ya have theater after school today?"

"Yeah, why?" Luan responded. "Planning to sneak the kazoo into my hamlet again?"

Luna snickered. It was fun that one time; a little prank to one-up her. "Nah, just wondering." She thought for a moment.

Typing echoed in the room. She could sense the gears shifting in Luna's head, and by the time she'd realize it, she'd remind her of how much sleep she was gonna be missing out on. "Before you say anything, I got coffee to back me up."

Luna pursed her lips before pulling her head out of the lower bunk. "S'gonna kill ya one day, just you see." Luna scolded. That's just one minor effect of being an all-around, high-standard student. She guessed.

"Tell me something I don't know." Luan snorted wryly, leaning her back on the cold headboard. "It's not like I can go to sleep right now, even if I wanted to. Mr. Fern told us our report's tomorrow, and I haven't started a thing."

Late night homework due the next day, sleeping under eight hours—Luna's been through it all too, thankfully for her, asking Todd to do it all was enough to get by. Tests? Oh, we don't got cheat codes for no reason, right? Now, unless it was a subject that really mattered, like music, Luna Loud didn't need no education.

Only up until high school. The diploma still sorta mattered.

Point is, through all four years in high school, sophomore year was what you'd say, the busiest of them all. It's the transition between freshman year and the real deal.

As the juniors say, to be a sophomore studying in Royal Woods is in a way, a rite of passage. You prove worthy to be a student here if you surpass the hurdles they've set. Luna barely crawled out of the end of the year, but she did, nonetheless.

And from what it looked like, Luan was already falling victim to their traps, especially with her peg right now. "That's what'cha get for hitting the hay in the middle of noon," Luna said.

"What can I say? It's my body clock-ing out."

Luna pondered the idea for a second. Their talk was like this almost every other time. The way she's making it sound, it's that bad. But Luan never usually asked for help, and maybe that's because nobody offered it to her. "Mind if I give you a hand to wrap things up quicker?"

Lesson learned. "No, thanks. I'm good." She mumbled without thinking. After a brief pause, she realized… whoa, did Sam give her a peck on the lips of what? She never offered help for school like that. "Go ahead and borrow my blanket if you're cold. You should head back to sleep."

Head back to sleep? Please. Luna rolled her eyes. Every morning she hopped out of bed, Luan would be as sluggish as a caffeine addict without his joe. "Says you; I've seen people with insomnia looking fresher than you in the morning!"

"Well, they don't have to lead three groups with all outputs due the next day." She blew a stray hair up. "Now, shut up. This essay won't finish itself."

Hostility dripped from her tone. Normally, Luan didn't even need to say it; she'd leave without another word, but maybe this time, she kind of did wanna offer a hand. Luna leaned down on her pillow, crossing her arms over her chest. "You sure you don't need any…?"

"Yes! I don't need help!" Luna recoiled at her tone. "What's it to ya?"

"Is it that wrong to care, dude?"

Luan was heard stammering, closing her mouth before the wrong word spilled out. "… Sorry; just… go back to sleep, Lunes. I'll take care of this."

She continued to type away at her essay. Fine, keep your secrets.

"Okay, okay. Chill." Luna went quiet after. Wait. Speaking of chill…

Luna peeked down. "Can I at least snag your sheets for the night?"

"What a way to break the ice; can't give you a cold shoulder for that." Luan giggled, grabbing her laptop and going out of bed. "But seriously, here."

Luna reached out for the blanket and shot her a grin. "See ya in the morning, ya walker."

"If I'm able to." Luan quipped. Not long after, shifting was heard as Luna went back down to bed.

The laptop was warm against her hand. She sat on the edge of her bed, checking the time, almost dropping it in the process. Shoot, it's almost two!?

Luan chewed the inside of her lip, contemplating. Should she stay here, risk another conversation to cut her time short, or… risk getting caught crashing in the dining room again?

1:49

Her alarm clock glowed neon green like a signal telling her: go.

She got her answer. A few seconds later, light snoring slipped into her ears. She naviagated through the darkness with muscle memory, and changed into her pajamas for comfort and discarded her casual clothes onto the laundry basket in the closet. Being in your room doesn't guarantee you safe from nosy siblings as such, not even if your roommate sleeps with punk rock in her headphones nearly every night.

Luan picked her notebook up from the nightstand and tucked her laptop underneath her arm. Holding her breath, she tiptoed out of the room. It's too risky to stay awake here. Not to mention, too chilly. Typing with shivering hands in slow mode was the worst.

And that's why the dining room was always the best option.

In her mind, moving mountains and splitting waters like Moses to the Red Sea isn't impossible, as long as you have the mindset to make it possible.

But of course, that's only a mindset. You can't win the race without jumping through the hurdles first. In the darkness of the dining room, her laptop glowed, bathing her face with a yellowish hue.

And by hurdles, she meant the fifth group report this week.

Wednesday hadn't even started.

Her half-lidded eyes danced across the screen, scanning the first row she formulated in Excel. Type of Music; Definition; Image.

She slumped against the wooden chair. Her back ached. Her shoulders ached, but by the end of all this, it'd all be worth it. Sure, she's doing most of the work. Yeah, her group mates were probably snoozing at this hour, waiting on her instructions tomorrow. And sure, they'd all get the same grade no matter the outcome, but who cares? It was still her work. It was still under her name, even if she had to share; and living with thirteen people under one roof, who's to assume she'd mind?

She frowned as her eyes fell on the time. 3 AM. Three hours before she'd have to go back up to her room. Wouldn't wanna worry Mom and Dad if they found her here, again; especially Dad. Then get nagged for living unhealthy like she had any other choice, all the while teetering to the edge of a blow-up every time. You know, like every other day.

Deep inside, they understood, though, even when her siblings didn't: working late in the Loud house is the only time you can ever really get things done.

Luan swallowed air, cringing at the sharp tendrils running down her throat. She stood up slowly, grimacing as her chair was quickly pushed back.

It's not like her room was a preferable choice, or any of the second floor. The heater malfunctioned all the time, even at the cusp of winter, when weather plunged below 5, so by the time seasons like this came, the second floor would remain chilly and untouched, and most of them would be huddled up down here having much more pun doing anything but getting things done!

Ooh, rhyme! Luan thought. That'd put Lucy to shame.

Taking her phone and turning the flashlight on, Luan skipped to the kitchen; walking over to the fridge and grasping at the handle. Before opening it, her eyes caught on an unfamiliar yellowish card plastered over the surface.

Humming, she hovered her phone over the still-closed fridge door.

Haven't seen this before.

Wait. Her lips curled into an excited grin. It's here?

Character slips, that's what Royal Woods proposed. Any form of work isn't complete without a reward, and only now, did the state realize that. The Michigan Department of Education decided that report cards weren't enough. According to the director himself, Miguel Flanagan, "What's IQ without EQ and SQ?"

Along with the usual parent-teacher conference, teachers would hand out a card with the student's behavior at school, serving as handheld commentaries of their behavior. The weirdest part is that this would affect, if not, define your semester. Morals and character were now part of the grading system, all under the Homeroom class. Everyone at school talked about it like the Holy Grail, seeing as to how teachers would just go on long paragraphs stroking the students' egos in these slips. And well, she'd be lying if she said she didn't wanna see hers too.

She glanced at one card. Lincoln's. Then she smiled.

That was the best part. These cards, or slips, whatever you wanna call them, also had the bonus of inviting you to the recognition. If you made it into the honor roll, this slip would tell you first.

It was a silly notion at first, at least to Luan, but that's only because she had a thing against acting like a goody-two-shoes for grades. Sounds sorta... cheap? Fabricated? Something a teacher's pet would do. She wasn't Lucy, but Principal Rivers and especially her assistant Oliver knocked some sense in her early on in the first semester.

"Think about it, Luan." He had an unusually sly glint in his eyes. "You're aiming to be on the top of the honor roll too, hm?"

"Uh, yeah." Luan furrowed her eyebrows. No retaliation? No reprimanding this time? "So?"

"Look," Oliver walked over to the window. "This is the second time you bombed the inside of River's car blue. Do you know how expensive the car wash was for that? Anyway," And that's how Rivers took the lead and said that if she wanted to get to the top of her game, she'd have to turn over a new leaf.

It was a collective decision. All her teachers brought it up, but it wasn't until Rivers had a taste of paint the second time that the school moved on it.

At the time, it sounded like some form of blackmail: If you don't stop your shenanigans, there's not a chance you'll make it into the honor roll. It could've been the guilt, being the bane of the teacher's existence and all, telling her she deserved it. But their blackmail was a bargain. She'd been vying for the honor roll was something she'd been vying for ever since MDE declared that the list was no longer exclusive and that all honor students deserve a recognition ceremony for their deeds.

All she had to do was act normal for the rest of the year, and the following until she graduated, and it'd be all good.

But Luan wasn't normal. She was a Loud, and Louds… can never be quiet.

Still working on the oxymorons. Dang. Punning is so much easier.

For the first part of the year, she was already booking leadership roles back and forth. Exhausting, sure. Mentally draining, very, but she'd do it all.

And by the looks of it, it laid itself before her, all was under the glow of her phone's flashlight.

The moment of truth.

She silently giggled, trying to contain herself. With a growing grin, she set her eyes on one of them. This year, "a little less on the pranking; extremely extra on the studying" became her motto. She took on every club performance, making sure the projects she submitted were scored over the top, and upping her game by a hundred-ten percent by studying every night—even on weekends. It's a sin against humanity to not receive credit at this point.

Oh! Her eyes flicked to one. Found it!

Royal Woods High School

CHARACTER SLIP

Student Name : Luna Loud

Grade Level: Junior

She blinked to make sure she was reading right. Okay, maybe I'm dyslexic.

Luan continued reading. Let's see what the Loudest Loud's got in store. Parties? Reckless guitar playing? Hm, the possibilities…

"Your daughter… embodiment of balance. Luna may be the life of every party, but when time calls for it, she proves to be a spectacular listener. She is down-to-earth and ironically, the most collected… yadda, yadda, yadda…."

This sounds like those personality tests she and Luna took when they were younger for fun. Ones like, 'What does your fave color say about you?', or 'What is your biggest strength based on your picture?' Luan smirked impishly, her eyes trailing down the word vomit on Luna's card.

She bought Mr. Hamilton tickets to a November Fever show again. It's so obvious.

She skimmed over the rest of their cards and the commentaries written on them. Below Luna's were the twins' cards, talking about how they got a badge for their heroic streak of protecting the other students from getting bullied, then one had Lincoln (miraculously), and his expedition on becoming the school's most renowned campus journalist…

Nothing academic around here. No… fastest learner in class, or most eager to learn lame subjects here.

Except for Lisa, but that's old news.

Her grin grew wider, and each second the anticipation grew, it was harder to hold a laugh. It's showtime.

Luan pointed a finger at each one. One, two, three… She counted.

Eight. Preschool didn't count. College was out of the window.

So, there could only be one Loud off the roster.

Impossible. Luan thought; lips pursed. She mentally crossed off each name, starting off with the cards that had red stamps imprinted. Who could it be… Lucy? Nah, how could she even think of her mentee like that? The teachers probably took a day gushing over her bare minimum for literature class. Lisa…! 1st grade doesn't make room for any innovative inventions, and finding cures for cancer, right?

Nope, that'd be silly. Lisa's slip was situated a little higher than the others. "With High Honors", in big bold letters. She scoffed. Really had to show it off, huh.

Her chest grew tight. It has to be here somewhere.

With unstable breaths, Luan mumbled the numbers out in chronological order before coming to one conclusion:

It wasn't.

A familiar tug dumped over her, like cold water heavy on soaked clothes. Oh well. Luan gripped the fridge handle tighter. Maybe mom and dad just forgot to put hers in. Maybe they didn't get hers yet with all the buzz and commotion going on in the restaurant. She could ask them tomorrow.

The fridge flashed a fiery white light onto her, and she squinted, feeling the rows to find that one bottle. Found it. Her throat cooled with each sip of water. That's dumb. To forget about her when they didn't even leave out Lucy—and Dad may have been forgetful, but Mom wasn't that shallow.

Her muddled, sleep-deprived mind skipped to the only other assumption: it was probably hidden.

Maybe the results were so good, Mom and Dad had to hide it.

Yeah, that has to be it.

The fridge closed and the atmosphere darkened. She slipped back into her chair and begrudgingly flicked her mouse, scrolling down her long, long document- to be PowerPoint.

So good that it may have listed down everything she was entitled to be. Early on in the school year, the guidance counselor evaluated her with the conclusion that she was just a resilient sophomore with a zany sense of humor for a personality. Yeah, she's just a theater kid who played one of the biggest roles in school musicals; a triple threat to the theater world, being an actress, scriptwriter, and director all at once. Nothing more than a prankster with an edge for all academic subjects at school—who, unlike her older sisters, actually aced every single test, passed homework almost way too early.

She's given them the same things, the same achievements last year, on a higher scale, with the bonus of not throwing in whoopee cushions on the teacher's chair every day. Surely her slip would be like Lisa's. It'd be full of all her greatest achievements. It'd have With Honors imprinted in bold red, and as for her rank?

With the rate she was going now, she'd definitely be in the top ten.

But while the first semester focused more on making things right and impressing the teachers, this one would be on maintenance. On keeping up with the pressure. Just they wait. Luan snorted cockily, still a little too weary to continue her report. She'd be considered even smarter than Lisa. Even more ambitious than Lincoln.

And today was just another dawn. Taking the expedition to perfection one step at a time.

Chapter Text

By the time it's all over, Luan had to admire, no, stand back at her pile of work done like how a sculptor would finish a museum-coded mannequin and think, wow, how'd I survive the night?

Just kidding. In reality, she had her head pressed down the table, grumbling in exhausted frustration, like how Shakespeare must've gone writing Romeo and Juliet.

Last night was much more grueling than the rest. No sleep, no heap- that was her mantra. It's a long topic to discuss ahead of her, not to mention, the rest of the homework needed special attention too. She was supposed to be doing her presentation, writing that essay, but no, almost two hours, she'd spent just pondering, wondering where the heck her character slip was. What it had entailed, and if she even made it into the honor roll.

Had she? Had she?

Lifting her heavy head up like it was tied to a brick, Luan slammed her laptop shut as the birds pierced their chirps tauntingly into her eardrums. No, of course she would. All that work had to mean something. If she wasn't in it, then who was?

She glared a hole through the window, where the little choir stood at the metal of their fence. Now is not the time for singing. It's for…

She would say sleeping. If only.

Now in her room with a mug of her entire energy at hand, Luan took a swig. On her lap was her laptop, open to the presentation that stole her soul—ah… sleep. At least she's done with doing it all. Next step on the course, reporting it.

Blankets shifted from the bunk above. Great. Luan gritted her teeth. Someone's awake now.

As expected, Luna slid down the ladder. She jolted as she reached the bottom, finding Luan on her bed with steaming hot coffee. "Er, where's mine?"

"Morning," Luan muttered, deadpan.

Why was she cranky? Don't ask her. Ask all the questions her group mates asked. Luan, when are you sending the PPT? Luan, what're we gonna do for tomorrow's report again? Luan this, Luan that!

Luna furrowed her eyebrows, a little taken aback. "How's the all-nighter, dudette?"

Why even ask when you know the routine? Luan groaned in exhaustion, taking another sip. "Barely enough. The usual."

"Eh," Luna muttered absently, leaning by the bed frame. "Told ya I could've helped."

Luan shot her a side-eye. It took no cost to run somebody's morning. "Not like I'd want you to."

"What're you even so worked on about?" Not waiting for a response, Luna peered her head near Luan's laptop. "Vocal forms of African… Wait, you've been awake this whole time without even telling me the reason behind it was because of a music report?"

"So?"

Luna gawked at her incredulously, betrayal clear in her tone. "So? Now you're just acting dumb!" She poked a finger to Luan's temple. "You ain't goin' nowhere workin' hard, dude; work smart."

Work smart, huh? She slapped Luna's hand away from her. Two can play at that game. "If that were the case, I would've just gone straight to Lisa."

Luna clicked her tongue, walked to the closet and got her clothes and robe; rushing out the door without another word.

"That's right!" Luan smirked, heat rising up to her head. "Drown me out with your door-drumming! Bet you can make real music with that!"

Her yell hung emptily in the air.

Hm. Someone couldn't handle a little beef. Luan chuckled, placing a hand on her mousepad and swiping through the presentation. Not her fault Luna couldn't tolerate a heckling without scurrying off.

She yawned, deciding to finally get up. Still mind-muddled and struggling to keep her eyes open, Luan held the firm railings tightly as she took another step down, empty mug on the other hand. The mere act of walking down without falling off the stairs was an exercise in itself. She needed a wake-up call, stat.

The first mug was just practice.

Sounds of mugs and plates came about as the smell of brewing coffee pulled Luan into the kitchen along with them to join in the party, catching sight of Lynn sipping on her mug as she leaned on the countertop. Turning to the left side, sitting on the circle table were Lincoln, Lana drinking mugs of cold chocolate milk.

"What do you call a bird with a messed up body clock?" Her voice came out a little too hoarse. All their eyes turned on her. "A night owl!"

The three younger siblings exchanged looks at each other. A ragged Luan with wrinkled clothes, pink eyes, and a generally lousy disposition wasn't what anybody anticipated at six-thirty in the morning.

"Let me guess," Lucy sipped her drink. "Another night dancing with projects?"

"I'd say!" Lana whistled. "You have eye bags heavier than Lucy's head bust! "

"Sigh. He has a name."

Luan passed them by with a drag to her steps. "Oh, this? It's all part of my act. Talk about an early Halloween, eh, Luce?" She ruffled Lucy's hair, causing her to grimace.

"It's January."

Ignoring her, she faced the kitchen with a mumble. "Nothing a little coffee can't help with."

She approached the kitchen counter and Lynn scooched over. "Hey, how convenient," Lynn said, glancing at the full coffee maker. "Linc told me to pass it onto the next guy. All yours."

Luan nodded nonchalantly, grabbing a mug and filling it with the coffee Lynn had made.

The steam emanating from her cup was enough to make her mouth water.

Lincoln took a sip of his coffee—wait, wasn't he too young? Eh, whatever. "You look like you got salvaged out of an ambush." He studied her face. "Are you sure that's enough to get you through today?"

He's probably right. She couldn't see herself, but she felt it. There's no way she'd survive out there without the sufficient amount of caffeine.

Luan nodded, pulling the mug away from the coffee maker. "Yeah, I guess it is dangerous to go out there with only one mug." She yanked another mug from the hanging cabinet and fiddled with the coffee maker. I'll take two to go.

That makes three. Luan internally cheered. New record!

They exchanged concerned looks but didn't say a word, rather sipping on their own drinks instead. She had to giggle while drinking her own mug. Like this was their first time seeing her chug a middle-aged man's worth of Arabica.

Leaning her back on the counter, she pressed the bitter aftermath on the roof of her tongue. It's every high school student's mantra: coffee is the best wingman. When running on a questionable body clock, coffee renewed her. She needed as much as three hours of adrenaline for the morning classes, and a bit more energy to spare for Music class at the end of the day.

Looking at it, she technically did sleep eight hours a day, from after school to the middle of the night. But today was different. She'd be at school until five to six, while still squeezing in time for homework later on. On days like this one, she'd run on only four hours sleep at best. With jet lag like that every week, nobody can claim they survived the day without a drink of a good brew.

After drinking the two mugs, she tossed them both on the kitchen sink where a pile grew before climbing up to her room. Hate to be the one washing that. Lol.

The clock on her nightstand said she'd already wasted ten minutes of her day. So, technically, she had only thirty minutes left to get ready and eat improvised breakfast. She sighed heavily. What a good way to start a bad morning.

Rubbing her eyes, Luan walked to the closet to get her robe and clothes. She hung the robe over her shoulder, left the clothes on her bed, and walked out the door. Where Lisa and Leni were lined up to the bathroom.

Riiiiing!

Leni and Lisa glanced at her with skeptical looks. She backed away and skipped to her room. "Oof, it's my roll call… uh, Leni! Save my spot for me!"

Leni beamed as Luan walked into her room. "No problem, Luan!" She paused briefly. "Wait, save? I don't see any keyboard around here?"

Looking over the messy bedroom, Luan immediately recognized where that sound came from. She looked down on the vibrating, yellow telephone on her vanity mirror. Huh. Nobody has called there in days.

Approaching her desk, Luan picked up the phone urgently. "Funny Business LLC. You bring the money; I bring the funny. Luan speaking."

"Your fun is our business," was an irony. Business and fun were the last thing on her mind. In the blur of maintaining her current grades while striving for higher ones, the days when she could take a break became rarer- and during the weekends when given the opportunity to, comedy and being busy in general no longer got into her list.

A woman's voice resounded in her ear, an interested client it seemed. "Sorry ma'am, but Funny Business isn't up and running right now," Luan said.

But the middle-aged woman prodded desperately, mentioning that she surfed everywhere on HeadBook for a clown service in Royal Woods to serve at her son's birthday party. "This weekend?" Luan asked.

She was offering a lot more than just chocolate funnel cake, but every little piece of the food they've prepared on the table as well. "And if the service is exceptional, I'll pay extra."

Luan licked her lips. More food to spare in case dinner isn't enough, not to mention, a bonus in her allowance? That sounded enticing.

Her lavender bag laid idle on the ground, sitting at the corner of her eye.. You know… maybe she could indulge in a little party; maybe she wanted to.

But… the Festival of Talents was coming. And what about school? What about studying? What about the whole myriad of reasons she gave the gang whenever they invited her to a hang out? If they found out, what would they say? That she only had time for herself? For money?

"You still there?"

Luan sighed, pausing for a moment. Let her down slowly. "Ma'am, I really can't. I haven't been taking clients since August."

"But the page hasn't said anything."

She cringed in embarrassment. Whoops. Better go update that. "Yeah, I haven't… um, found time to open it lately. I apologize for taking your time. But I can recommend you someone-"

Huh. Luan pulled the handset off her ear. They hung up.

She brought the phone back in place, still reeling at the reminder of what wasn't there anymore. Funny Business… a name she hadn't associated with in a while.

Just like the Thespians hangouts beyond the club. Or stand-up comedy. Or anything funny for that matter.

"Um, elder sister, I think it's time you get your proverbial keister in here." Lisa leaned by her door, towel on her head. "As you can see, our time is running out."

She blinked, glancing at her clock. Oh crap, 10 minutes before we go! Luan stumbled to find the things she needed for the shower and bolted straight to the bathroom.

Funny Business can wait, but school can't.

Out of all the siblings, she was last to hop in the shower and leave the bathroom. With only a quarter to when class would start. When she came back into her room to change, her laptop and some notebooks were still scattered on her bed. She had to tug her and Luna's bed upside down just to find where some of the notebooks went in a caffeine-driven adrenaline rush, before taking Mr. Coconuts out the bag he had hid in since noon yesterday.

Luan groaned irritably. How could she be so dumb to take all the time in the morning to drink coffee, while her own bag wasn't even ready?

And finally, when she approached Vanzilla reeving on the driveway, looking like half of her still belonged in bed; Lola greeted her with a growl. "It's about time you got your butt out of the house!"

"There ya are!" Lynn peeked at the open door of the van, perched on the seat behind Lola's. "We had to restrain her so she wouldn't step on the pedal herself."

Leni invited her in without another thought and rushed Vanzilla through the traffic. The 15 minute ride to school didn't offer her room to fully comprehend anything she had done the night before. All it left her was time to compose herself physically for the report on the first period- which was next to impossible when you sat with the twins on both sides.

She found herself along with Luna and Leni stumbling on the hallways to their respective classes, all while being the end of Luna's glare. She was still seething over earlier? Seriously?

They managed to get in right when the bell rang. With a sigh, Luan plopped down her seat, wiped the sweat from her forehead, and regulated her unsteady breathing. First thing in the morning and she was already messed up. Luan blew a string of her hair up in frustration. Today's entrance to school isn't gonna stop her; as long as she's well equipped and practically trembling from the cold breeze of anticipation. She took her time last night to study her notes intricately, taking each page like a word from the Heavens, like a gospel that'd define her salvation.

And it would hopefully, stay true to its purpose, and save her from tipping off the edge of another failure.

Chapter Text

Wednesday might as well be called torture-Luan-day.

Her cheek pressed against her palm. Everything hurts. Her back. Her neck. Her eyes. Forehead. Temples. The world was slow, or maybe it was just her processing time. Even as her lunchbox lay atop her lap, the promising thought of banana cream pies did nothing. Normally, it was enough of a distraction, but dang. After what happened today, the pie just tasted salty.

And to think she was starving in biology. When the test paper came in, everything she read up the night before vanished. Gone with the wind. Right after the test, she glared at the bold C- written on it. The same thing happened with her Home Economics elective. More wrong than right answers. Somehow, the letters she encircled were jumbled up. Number one was letter A, why did she choose C? Number ten was letter D, how'd she end up circling B instead?

Blame the caffeine-riddled stomach.

But oh, well, cut it some slack. She sat at the very back of the library' s array of tables, hiding behind a propped-up book while she ate. It's the reason why she hadn't collapsed yet. Accompanying her was an idle Mr. Coconuts. No talking in the lib, yeah, but if he could, he'd tell her to move on and stick to what's about to come.

Well, yeah, true. There was still one more thing to cross off her list. And unlike the other things she came across today, this one had to be perfect.

Luan rushed down the crowded hallway that mid-afternoon. She glanced at the wall clock above the array of lockers. 2 PM… and somehow seeing it surged power through her system to push forward.

She managed to withstand the rest of the five hours prior without passing out. Though if there was anything school had taught her today, there were two lessons: one being, to pack coffee with you, and two, she really needed to hang a 'don't talk to me' sign on her body.

Most of them were witnesses to yesterday's tragedy, and they weren't afraid to show their pity. They stepped up to shove their nose in her face this time. Are you okay? Why are you late? Did you talk to Miss Dublin about what happened-

She'd bite back her groan each time, each of her responses growing steadily more dragged out. Isn't one response enough?

Luan grumbled, slipping through a group of guys going her way. Suddenly it's like, when the class clown loses their charm, that's the only time they start appreciating what they lost.

Her mouth twitched into a small smile. On the bright side, this is the one class she has where Benny is her classmate. That is, if he came to school in the first place.

But he did. Miraculously.

She didn't hang with him during lunch, nor did the rest of the Thespians with her; the library practically worked as her home these days with the endless stream of work in her way. They bombarded her phone with calls, messages, and any means of finding her, but Luan didn't bother. Finding no strength to respond.

Room 205, 206… 207

Her shoulder bumped against somebody standing by their locker a bit too roughly. Luan turned on her heels. "Sorry—"

"Luan! Hi!"

A pair of arms wrapped around her as she stood there frozen, chuckling awkwardly, heart dropping to her stomach. Oh no. "Hey Shannon, it's been a while."

Shannon pulled back and gave her a warm smile.

Luan internally screamed.

The Theatre Club had made a lot of progress upon warming up to each other, to the point their club meetings had extended to hanging out at the mall and having fun in the nearby arcade on occasion. But as Luan noticed, the group chat had been rolling with tumbleweeds these days. When she told them that they'd be one man short for a while as she caught up with her studies, they took it to heart and acted like the admin keeping the group alive died.

"How have you been? We missed you!" She shook her shoulders vigorously. "Check this: We're heading out to Pizza Hat later! Wanna come with?"

And yes, in real life, maybe she had been avoiding them to a T. She could lie to herself all she wanted, that they were all distractions and temptations to deviate her from her real goal. But the truth settled deep into the back of her mind: she just couldn't keep up with their energy, or anybody's energy at all.

Shannon's rambling slipped through her ears, and she scratched her nape, slipping in her own words. "Really wish I could, but—"

"Aw, come on, Luan! Don't be like that!" She whined. "I know you're busy, but it's not you to reject good pizza like that."

"Oh, it is her, right now." Mr. Coconuts chimed in. "Who else is it supposed to be—"

"Mr. C! Shut it!" She turned to Shannon. "I get it, but I have a mountain of projects to do, and they won't finish themselves." Luan sheepishly chuckled. If she really had the time to relax, she'd spend it all on sleeping, anyway.

Shannon dropped her shoulders exasperatedly. "Come on, loosen up a little! What happened to the Queen of Pun? Get it?" She nudged Luan. "We could go out after practice; the club misses you!"

After practice? Would she even be awake by then!? "Oh, please, I don't wanna loose my chance at getting straight A's! Geddit?"

Shannon stared at her with a deadpan look. That was pretty giggled awkwardly, slowly backing away as she realized time was running out. "But seriously, send me pictures while you're at it. I'll be there in spirit!"

She rushed down the hall until finally, room 208.

Her smile fell as she pushed the door open. Worry about them later. Luan thought. Can't celebrate triumph when we haven't even gone to the match yet.

The room was a cacophony of chattering. She dropped her backpack on the front seat and hastily pulled her laptop out. The cursor rotated slowly as she struggled to open the PowerPoint that she'd been mercilessly clicking on. Relax. Relax. She thought.

How could she, though? This was it. Her ultimate chance to not blow up a whole night's worth of research and homework.

"Hey, Luan!" She looked across the room.

Her heart skipped a beat to find his boyish smile and enthusiastic wave. "Hi, Benny!" Luan left her laptop and went by his seat. They shared a high-five and giggled together.

"It's so great to see you again!"

"You too!" Benny chirped. "Anything I miss-ed?"

"M'lady!" Mr. Coconuts gasped as Benny pulled out Ms. Appleblossom. "Ya still remember me?"

The echoes of the crowded room dispersed as her focus turned to him. She told him about what happened without him, how boring it was to not have her ride-or-die at school.

Having to see the smile never leave his face, and how he remained fully immersed in every word she said made her mentally wish Mr. Fernandez would forget he had a schedule today. Being with Benny had been the most engaging thing she had gone through this week.

With a few laughs shared, their topic quickly shifted to today's report; how she 'd discuss the ins and outs of African Music, and that he and the group didn't need to fret when she was armed and ready to drop the bombs to a spectacular performance. One that could've been, the day before if she wasn't so cocky about knowing what to do.

No! Luan bit the urge to yelp as Mr. Fernandez coolly walked into the room.

"Whoops, gotta go!" Luan hastily returned to her assigned seat. "Talk to ya later!"

"Good luck!" He said. "I'll be cheering for you!"

She smiled and confidently returned to her seat at the front. Luan pulled her laptop out and turned it on. Her hands grew colder. Nothing has to fail.

"If one thing flops, then say goodbye to your grade—" Luan rolled her eyes and gave Mr. C a soft punch on the shoulder, before returning to her laptop to set the PowerPoint on full screen. So encouraging.

Fernandez leaned on the table and wore his thick glasses. "I forgot to point this out the other day, but this isn't just your standardized oral report. I also wanted this to be an assessment to see if all of you truly did your part in your groups."

Luan swiped through her presentation. "Therefore, I'll be calling random names in each group to report."

Her fingers froze on the mousepad of her laptop.

Oh, right. Right. She exhaled. They know what to do.

Mr. Fernandez was known to be a die-hard flake. Luan swallowed, looking around to receive the wide-eyed glances of terror on the other student's faces. But wow, he's sticking to what he says for once. Noice.

"Wonder who's gonna be unlucky enough," Whitney chirped from beside her, sliding her eyes down. "Nice puppet, by the way."

Luan shrugged. "Eh, they know what to do.".

"Really?" She asked, amused. "You went all in to prep up, huh?"

She felt a tingle rush up her cheeks. "Yeaahh… I just don't want yesterday to repeat itself."

Luan pulled her hand out of the puppet and set him on the ground, backpack keeping him company.

Then right as she did that, the reports officially began.

A name was called. A girl came to the front of the class. She was nervous, fidgety. The point of her report? Luan wondered. Swallowing and stuttering every two seconds is an audience turn-off.

The second one, a boy, read his presentation word for word. What're you, Jamie? Text to speech bot? Luan wanted to giggle at it, and she did... under the palm of her hand, under her seat, pretending to pick something up. The third one was a mixed bag. Things were going well, until he got asked a question about the report; he fell back, but eventually got ahold of himself, so, salute to him.

Two of the groups went down in agony, while the third managed to pass the teacher's standards— not by much.

As for the fate of her group? It'd be dancing on the edge of a knife, balanced by the chosen one's hands. Luan crossed her ankles and entwined her fingers. She knew her group mates did their jobs, even if they couldn't speak as well as she did. Luan breathed in slowly, soothing the jitters in her nerves. They'll be fine.

Everyone had their eyes near the door, right where Mr. Fernandez stood, scanning a sheet of paper with his group and their members. "Benny Stein."

Huh, Benny? Luan's eyebrows shot up. He knew her best. If there was anyone in their group who'd cover up as a sidekick, it was him. Easy peasy.

It was quiet.

Where's the cover-up?

"Where is that guy?" Mr. Fernandez grumbled under his breath.

Luan shifted in the front seat, shooting a glance at her boyfriend at the back of the class. What the? They're stars of theater plays; he can do this. He sat by the window seat, head tucked. Wait, what? What the heck was going on with him?

Their eyes met. Her cold hand clenched, fingers coating itself with the sweat of her shaky palm. "Come on! Go up here already!" She mouthed desperately.

Benny shot her a bewildered stare. "What am I supposed to do?"

Luan dragged a hand down her face, mouthing back. Just read the presentation!

"He's not up for it, apparently, sir." The blonde kid sitting beside Benny said.

Luan gulped, turning around to see the middle-aged man wearing a thin lip. Long, heaving breaths slipped out her nose. Her knee bounced up and down in frantic motion, her fingers fiddled with one another. Maybe he'll just call somebody else to report—

"Oh… so, you're just gonna pass?" Mr. Fernandez grabbed his pen and took out the paper with their group's members written on it.

Unbelievable. She shot a hand up. "S-sir, wait!"

"Yes, Loud?" Mr. Fernandez hummed, raising his eyes off the paper slightly.

"I can do it, in his place!" She stammered out, gulping. He's so by-the-book though! This has to work! "Benny has a... uh- raspy throat! He sorta overworked his vocal cords, maintaining his singing voice and all that."

He stared at her with a deadpan look. Her classmates looked at her with mixed faces.

Luan knew that look from anywhere, and it wasn't good.

Mr. Fernandez paused, then turned to Benny; who's complexion turned pale. "And? I can always call the faculty room to hand over their portable lapel microphones."

Oh.

Shoot.

Chapter Text

Nobody spoke. Or even moved.

She totally forgot about those. Luan closed her eyes and rubbed her temples. There were no escape signs. They were heading to the dead end, again. She couldn't stop it. Couldn't.

"Stein?" Mr. Fernandez waited. Luan couldn't hear any response.

He sighed thickly. "Alright, I guess Loud's group gets a zero out of fifty." A zero. A big fat, frickin' zero. "Next group."

The muffled sound of Whitney's name passed her ear. A breeze swept by her. Around her were students with blank faces alike, glued intently at the new rotten apple of Fernandez' eye; known as the next person to report.

Luan's lips pursed, breathing slowly. To top today off, because of course, things just had to get worse.

"Told you not to be such a try-hard, toots." She could hear Mr. C in mind. "Don't bust yourself to get the A's; it prefers chicks who don't do desperate."

Her stare transfixed itself upfront, to the plain white hue of the board. Mind buzzing.

Okay.

She glimpsed at the back seats, finding Benny at his seat, head low and transfixed on the ground. She snapped her laptop closed and slipped it into her backpack. Luan watched the next report go on. Whitney's voice quivered through the smugness worn on her face. Her trembling arms wrote the words she had to convey with the magic of that fresh chalk.

Her eyes grew misty. Luan tucked a hand under her chin, swallowing her thoughts down. This meant her staying up yesterday night meant nothing. That if Lola found out that her advice from the night before went unheeded, she'd laugh at their group's biggest drawback. "What'd I tell you?"

Then Luna. If she knew. She wouldn't let her live the end of it. Music whiz she was and all that. You should've hit the hay instead. Luna would say. Or let me help you.

Shut up. Shut up. Shut. Up.

But no, she considered them all distractions. Instruments to lull her to sleep. Shut it…

And well, if she could go back to those past twelve hours, she'd throw her papers aside-

Luan grit her teeth and yanked her backpack up her knees, shuffling through without the intention of picking anything. What was I gonna do later? Oh yeah, study for history…what about that endurance test for P.E? Why do we even need those? Pft.

It was quick, she didn't even notice when the bell rang, and the whole class fell into a chaotic party. A mix of students went to their groups, shook hands, high-fived, jumped, and cheered at the success of this social experiment of a high school report. Seeing them so happy in front of her, almost felt nauseating. Not having to share in their success stung.

Luan grumbled, picking Mr. C and her bag up. That didn't happen. That didn't happen, right? Whatever. We have stuff to do. Didn't we have a project for-

The projects don't matter if you're gonna keep failing like-

She stomped out of the room, before bumping into Whitney. Again.

"Hey… I'm sorry about what happened to your group earlier. I know how you give your all in these projects." Whitney squeezed her shoulder, and it took a Guardian angel for her not to slap it back.

With heavy cheeks, Luan forced a smile. "Eh, our report was out of the clef." She chuckled. "But yours was on the right note! Geddit?"

Haha, wish it were me.

Just shut up.

Kimberly, a girl with chocolate brown hair and tan skin cheered and took Whitney by the shoulders. "It totally was!" She squealed. "Here's to many more, girl!"

They did a celebratory handshake and walked away like Luan was a third-wheeler caught up in a romantic feat. Luan dropped her grin as soon as they were far off. One day, we'll look back at this and laugh. She thought to herself. One day, I'll be the one in their place.

She followed Whitney with her eyes, watching her fade out in the crowd. What the heck was up with Benny?

Her jaw clenched on her way down the corridor, counting down the lockers until she'd lay sight on hers.

Then a blur of seafoam and yellow. On a one-way corridor too. Luan straightened her posture and huffed. Look alive.

"Hey, Luan!" Leni greeted her with a smile. "Still running strong?"

Her heartbeat quickened. She didn't know if she looked the part, but she felt far from it.

Luan shot her a grin. "Yep! You can bet I'm feeling mug-nificent!"

"Oh, I get that one! It's mug and magnificent combined!" She chirped, nudging at the chestnut-haired girl following her. "Cya after practice!"

Luan let out a shaky laugh, pacing forward quickly. Leni actually remembered what today was again. Oh no.

Luan walked down the corridor before halting right in front of her locker with heaving breaths. She dropped her head against the metal surface, prying her arm out of her puppet. You're only weighing me down.

"What can I say? I'm made out of the finest wood in the store!" She mimicked, then grumbled, before shoving him in her bag along with her laptop. Luan zipped it half-closed and opened her locker, grabbing the other notebooks she had stuck in there to read later when she got home.

She started blankly into the tight, four walls as if to save face from the crowd. Maybe she'd feel a sense of stability if people didn't see through her eyes as they walked by her. Even then, she couldn't help but let out a wry laugh. Who just throws out somebody's hard work like that over another guy? She thought. What an idiot. No surprise. This entire school's full of them.

An uninvited presence caused her to stiffen. A familiar scent. Luan continued scanning through her locker, unfazed.

"Luan…"

She didn't say anything. Her throat tightened. Couldn't.

"I… I just wanna say sorry for earlier."

She breathed deeply to maintain composure. Her eyes stared straight into her locker, mentally reading the book covers before her. The tension was there, but she wanted to pretend otherwise. "I… I just blanked out, I swear I was gonna stand up. But I didn't know how to react! I was taken aback and unprepared!"

"But I told you to study, didn't I?" She finally turned to look at him. "It was the least you could've done."

But you didn't.

"… I did, more like tried." He rubbed his arm with a jesting tone. "But I was bouncing between the hospital and home. I couldn't make time."

"Uh-huh. No time." Just like me. She returned her gaze to the locker, squeezing the books at hand. But I managed, why didn't you? "Why'd you even come to school then?"

Luan knew that'd hurt him because they lived two parallel lives. They were both caught up in the throes of maintaining their grades, despite all the hurdles in their way. That regardless of what happened, they couldn't just abandon their academic studies. And he couldn't even do the bare minimum? Not just for the group, but for her?

Benny winced in disbelief. "Biology. We had an important test."

No reason would change her mind. He knew this would happen. He knew how much this all meant to her. "Oh, like this report wasn't as important?"

He paused, looking away. "It's just, I didn't expect it'd be me. I was just… I was just frozen and I would've stood up but..."

"And you thought I expected it too?" She slammed her locker shut. Don't scream. Or start a scene.

"I know, I know." Benny leaned against the locker, his eyes glimmering with hope still; which somewhat fueled her flames. "I take full responsibility for it, Luan, I-"

She raised her palm to stop him, her eyes quickly stinging. We still have theater practice later. "What're you gonna do? You heard what he said. Mr. Fernandez doesn't give any chances."

We still have theater practice. We still-

"Yeah, but…" Benny sighed in resignation. "I'm sorry, okay? I know it meant a lot to you, but it's just one report, it won't ruin the rest of your year, right?"

Just one report. She sucked a sharp breath in. "Like you'd know. You weren't even around yesterday. Or the other days." Luan burned her gaze through him, his face turning skeptical. No, screw this. I won't bother. She brushed past him, turning past the next hall. The crowd drowned her and when she turned back, there was no sight of blue and gray rushing to get her.

Mrs. Bernardo wouldn't mind. Director's cut for a day.

She hastily rubbed her eyes with the back of her hand. It was foolish enough of her to pity herself for lying in a grave she dug. And as much as she had herself to blame for Benny's mistake, it was still his fault. The job was basic, but it was his choice not to stand up in the front. To cowardly tuck himself into his chair like it'd be enough to hide him.

Without wasting another second, she trudged the halls to the exit, dragging heavy feet down the ground. She wanted to go home. Read a book. Anything but remember this. Maybe she could ask Lisa to wipe her memory out. At least temporarily, just so it wouldn't hurt.

A group of girls circled about and laughed among themselves. An emo dude passed by, banging his head to his headphones. One girl was on the phone, talking as if what happened earlier didn't happen. Like she didn't get the most bitter pie thrown at her face just minutes ago. The world looked so normal… even as hers shattered, the real one didn't stop right at her feet. It just went on.

Mug-nificent, huh?

When it rains, it pours. It could start a day, then flow into a week, then a month and you're still showered with misfortune. It wasn't a biggie. We've all had our moments. Today was Luan's—this morning proved it.

Luna wasn't expecting Luan to be brimming with glee now, but she and Leni placed their bets; Luna on neutral, and Leni, well, miserable at best. She could see it in Luan's demeanor. Her unusual slouch, her lousy disposition. Unlike her, who was left assuming. After all, Luan's her roomie- it took more than a tragedy to break her down.

They expected to wait until the evening to mark who got the five bucks. But no, Luan texted Leni, and said to wait a little longer when she was a second away from stepping on the gas. And that placed her bet on a futile road… she could only hope otherwise.

"Huh, what about rehearsals?" Luna wondered aloud, staring at the pile of burnt leaves dwindling the school's front.

"Maybe she's too tired and can't come?" Leni guessed.

Bogus. You can't just bail out of an important meeting like that, especially when you're the head of the club. Luna's eyebrows knitted in doubt, anticipating the worst. Shoot. I better shave off my allowance now. Dang it.

The moment Luan slipped into the van, Leni gave her a knowing look, and she sank back in her seat. No puns, no laughter, not even a hi or hello uttered out–and what's weirder? Luan chose to sit at the very back of Vanzilla, also known as the Wild, Wild West, where the sky knew no light. Where the twins would commit the most heinous and violent war crimes known to man. You'd be suicidal to deliberately walk straight into the crossfire.

Luna squinted and glanced over the van's rear-view mirror, spotting Luan's dejected form leaning against the door. Her head pressed on the window as the gloomy sun graced her features. She was too far for her to see clearly, and maybe it could've been merely the light reflected in her eyes, but Luna could've sworn her eyes were glossing over.

Then when Leni parked on the driveway, Luan wasted no time grabbing the key from under the rug and rushing into the door first. As much as her body felt compelled to chase her down and bridge the gap, Luna stayed glued to her seat until Leni turned off the ignition, and the rest of her siblings came out and went into the house. She reached for her backpack.

"I don't want the money, don't worry." Leni cut her off.

Luna untensed and retracted her hand back to her lap. Leni was dense, but emotions were up her rally. What was invisible to others and maybe even pointless to Luna, she considered her priority. If Lori played their second father, Leni was like their second mother.

They joked about it a lot; she's the real firstborn around here.

They sat in the chilly van side by side in awkward silence, like how mom and her would after a parent-teacher conference.

"She's been sad for more than two days! Luan never mopes this long." Luna grumbled, duh. No need for a lecture. Leni's grip slipped from the wheel, then she glanced at her. "Don't you think it's time you two talk?"

"What? It's not like we're riding rocky roads again." Luna protested. She didn't mind talking it out unless it was shoved on her face like an obligation. "You're actin' as if I'm her twenty-four-hour babysitter."

"We all have to look  for each other, though," Leni shot back like it was common sense. "And you're the one who knows Luan better than most of us."

Luna stifled her snort. Nah. What Lori and Leni had was almost equivalent to her and Sam; Two girlies sharing souls but not their duds. She and Luan weren't close like that. Yeah, she knew her lil' sis was a closeted sentimental person- literally- with her watching childhood tapes in their closet late at night, but beyond that comedic exterior? She knew there had to be something, but nothing. How can she try digging, when Luan was allergic to bitterness? She'd either sugarcoat it if problems came, or instantly shoot anyone down with humor, saying a joke is always 'okie-doke.'

They both exited the van without reaching a resolution. For all Leni cared, Luna knew better. She dropped her bag on the ground and slumped on the couch with her phone. Luan could keep their room—she might just end up kicked out anyway.

"You gonna watch that?"

Luna yelped, her phone nearly slipping out of her hand as Lucy popped by her side. West Coast Rap echoed from the TV. 

She tossed Lucy the remote. Save for the spooky track playing on the show, silence engulfed the atmosphere. 

In the Loud House, news spread like sound waves to a concert hall. Luna stole a quick glance to the left, finding Lucy transfixed on the screen. But she knew better. She felt the question float through the air. The curiosity ebbing out from her younger sister.

"What are you two fighting about now?" Lucy finally broke the tension.

"We ain't fighting. Dunno what's goin' through that jester's head, really." Luna scoffed. She scrolled through ClickClock. It's not that she cared less. She just knew, that when Luan's upset, less is more. "Figure she's already got a lot on her plate. Don't wanna be prying her when I'm pretty sure the others are doing the same. I know she'll come to me if she needs an outlet to talk to."

Knowing Luan though, she never really wanted to talk.

Just give her time, and some joke books, and she'll be up and delivering the line before you can even punch.

By tomorrow, this would all be yesterday, right?

Yeah, how about that. It doesn't make things any better though. Mrs. Bernardo was blowing up in their group chat over her missing practice…and it took a few minutes to register that, oh, yeah. The fight. The performance. That all happened.

The dining room roared with ten voices tugging to get the stage. She watched as Lucy slumped while Lana stole her meatball. Watched as the kid slurped her pasta vigorously. It was like the world kept rolling, but she wasn't part of it. Not even as a camerawoman.

Okay, maybe she was being dramatic. But still. There's this chunk of her that just couldn't remember how the heck she even got down here. Did Lisa radiate some sorta memory-loss concoction in the air? It smells like amnesia here.

It also smells like regret.

All she remembered was reading jokes and binging on stand-ups before her mind saw an opportunity to start a debate. Yeah, this is funny, but you know what else? Your life. She tried to sleep it off. You know what would be great right now apart from sleeping? What? Doing it forever. Why work a day of your life when you can't even work on your homework?

Then she opened her digital notepad, her joke book essentially. Because being productive, or at least feeling the illusion of it would be enough to keep the thoughts at bay, right?

Blank. The cursor clicked impatiently, like a foot tapping. Come on, just write something already.

Pretty sure her mind has a stroke. The next thing she knew, she was staring at an empty screen. The next thing she knew, she was staring at the base of Luna's bunk. Oh no. She hissed through clenched teeth. A year's worth of jokes. Gone in an instant. One button was all it took.

Never had Luan ever yearned for something this strongly before. It was an emptying feeling. A hollowing one.

A family meal was the last place she wanted to be in. With clueless parents and suspicious siblings, she had to bring out the best out of herself. One out-of-character gesture and everyone's gonna be hurdling up on you, wondering who the bully is. Who tore the pages of your joke book apart? After all that time you spent filling that up!?

Then she'd grin her most eerie grin, and dramatically point thumbs at herself; tell them, "It's me, the perpetrator! Mwahaha!"

She didn't feel a thing.

"That's my chicken leg!"

Besides her on the right, were the two most abrasive tomboys having a wrestling match. "Come get it, then!"

Luan nudged Lana's side with a grunt. Taken out of surprise, Lana lost grip of the chicken and Lynn snatched it away, letting out a snooty laugh as she did so.

Lana shot daggers at her. "Geez, Luan, don't be such a grouch!"

She ignored it, taking a small bite out of the meatball.

On the left was a bit steadier waters, with Lincoln and Lucy talking about zombies in video games.

"Green isn't an icon in the fashion world, you would know that!" "Are you saying that I look tacky!?"

And across her were Leni and Lola having a roast battle.

The voices of her siblings, their piercing laughter scratched her ears. Made her heart skip beats with every metal clinging and chair screeching. Her stomach was empty, but her mind was full. She wanted to scream, but not around here.

Trying to ignore how flavorful it tasted. It was hard to not stick out like a sore thumb. Her sisters were practically bouncing off the table yet Mom and Dad kept their stare at her- most likely expecting a crude quip from her. That's all they expect from her. Jokes. Just surface-level jokes; anything beyond the walls like they always did, while she was pinned and limp like a voodoo in a target board.

She could really use that deleted jokebook right now. Darn it.

"So, kids, how'd you like the results from our parent-teacher conference last Saturday?" Mom chimed in.

Eep. Luan stopped chewing.

She swallowed the half-chewed meatball and did it again when it pulsed in her throat. Someone's gonna point it out. Someone's gonna point it out.

"Say it isn't so, but my teacher called me excellent at crafts." Lisa squealed, a fascinating sight from the stoic, junior Nobel prize winner. "I still find it somewhat difficult to comprehend. That summer workshop I was sent to is given all the credit."

"It said I was improving," Leni said quizzically. "I don't know what the card meant by that really, but it's a positive adjective so I guess I'm happy about that!"

"They called me the Campus Journalist of the Year!" Lincoln's eyes glimmered with pride. He puffed his chest and huffed. "Win a crowd, and you will win your freedom."

"Eh, I wasn't that shocked with mine.'' Lynn ruined his moment with a conceited smirk, leaning her arm against the backrest. "What's new? Record Holder for being the All-Star MVP, most Outstanding Hall Monitor, Queen of Chess… I can go on but it might take me an entire month to list it down."

"Speaking of queens, how's our resident queen of puns?" The table grew quiet as Dad spoke up. All eyes glanced at her. Luan sank herself down the seat. Aaand, there it was. "Haven't heard you utter a single joke tonight!"

"Please Daddy, the only joke here is where her slip is!" Lola blurted out, and they all glared at her. "What? Someone's gotta point it out."

Mom and Dad gave each other looks, and her siblings to her too. Luan's knees buckled, every fiber in her body wanting to walk out right then and there. "Oh, ah-" Dad stammered.

Her siblings started mumbling among one another.

She dropped her head, cheeks tingling. Whole body tingling. Hide under the table. Hide under the table.

"Luan, sweetie," She looked up, and Mom gave her a knowing stare. "Meet me in our room tomorrow, okay? We have… something to tell you."

The whole table shared a reaction of gasps, others of looks, but the same emotion was evoked: curiosity.

In her case, embarrassment.

No, screw that, her entire dignity was being stripped before them.

"Why can't you just spill it here?" Lola sassily eyed her shiny fork. "Unless… it's too dramatic for the faint-hearted?"

Luan turned to her, shooting daggers.

"Lola, don't patronize your sister." Dad scolded, adjusting his bib, before placing his elbows on the table. Mom quickly slapped them off. "On other news, I'm proud of you honey." He looked at her, and for a moment she was confused. "That goes along with you too, Lisa; Lincoln."

"For what?" It came out of her before she could hold it.

Leni gasped from across her. "You haven't heard? You three are on the honor roll!"

Luan's perked up. Well, maybe today wasn't so bad after all. "I am?"

When it was confirmed, the table's energy changed drastically like sunlight peeking through thunderstorm clouds. They jeered them three for being too smart; leave a little headspace, will you? In other news, she was part of the honor roll! Great!

But of course, that was expected. Luan kept her grin the entire time. Now, the only question was how high up she was. Top 10? Hmm, her bet was above the top five, knowing everything she's done… but hey, maybe six to nine was negotiable. "Guess I was too honor-roll to stop by the bulletin! Get it?" She joked and saw Dad's eyes sparkle. The rest of them groaned though. "But seriously, when's the awarding ceremony?"

She looked to the right and caught Lincoln staring. He beamed when their eyes met, but the worry was still distinct from his stiff shoulders. Huh. Weird.

"This Saturday," Mom said, and oh, that report? Eh, thing of the past. All her efforts were worth it.

They couldn't just form a line and wash their dishes one by one without wasting time, and if there's one thing they always did, it was eating slowly. Especially on school nights.

"Number nine scores the touchdown," Lynn grumbled, placing the ninth plate in the cabinet before leaning back on the counter. "I still wonder why we were chosen to wash these."

"I don't know." Their hands bumped occasionally as she quietly did the job hand in hand with Lucy. "But now I'm starting to see why Lincoln complained over having enough on his plate." She raised one for emphasis, and they groaned. "Get it?"

"You're quiet tonight," Lucy spoke up. "It's almost as if you were me."

The sound of the plate echoed as Lynn placed it on the cupboard. "Not that I'm complaining. It's really peaceful not having to hear a single thing from you."

Not a word uttered today, huh? Was that a challenge? "Oh, so you didn't hear about me going vegan?"

It struck a chord in her. Lynn wasn't a keeper of secrets, nor did she ask for anyone to keep hers- but she demanded Luan to keep her yap shut after she walked in on Lynn watching 'The Vegan Tutor' unironically.

Lynn shot her a glare. "Hey, I told you not to say a word out of that!"

"I don't get what's going on," Lucy commented. "I don't think I wanna."

For the first time in a while, a newfound source of energy powered Luan. She faced Lucy, with a gaping mouth, threatening to speak a word about Lynn and her inside joke. "I-"

"Not even a word of it, Luan!" Lynn growled.

Luan closed her mouth but giggled. Seeing her, the toughest girl in the house, being so bashful over her guilty pleasure is cute and ridiculous. She ruffled her hair. "Eh, I'm just playing with you."

"Hey! I just combed that!"

"You know how to?" Luan feigned shock, before turning to Lucy. "Does she?"

Lucy's lips twitched into a smirk. "No. I let my bat colony do it for her."

Lynn crossed her arms and blew a puff of bangs away from her face. "Like I'd let any of your dumb stuff touch me."

"Oh?" Lucy shot back. "Then what was it about that time you borrowed my poetry book? When you said you were pining for this boy and-"

Luan grinned mischievously. Lynn? A boy? Poetry? "Ooh, what's this about?"

Her cheeks turned visibly pink. "Shut it, brace face." She glanced at both Lucy and her for a second. Lynn was the type who'd never back down from her opinion, even if it was wrong. "I swear, you two always tag-team against me; you two'd be a better couple than Edwin and Benny!"

Luan gasped. And there it was. "You wouldn't dare."

But so was she.

There it began the start of a debate. They went back and forth over the little things, from Lynn's room odor to her grades, and Lynn bit back. Along with sharing the chore, they exchanged banter, with Lynn and Luan spatting insults while Lucy occasionally joined in as an audience. Doing the dishes suddenly stretched on for an hour, as all three of them got caught up in maintaining their conversation.

As impersonal as their argument may have been, it did serve as an outlet to release the turmoil Luan had been carrying for weeks.

"Hey, Luan," Lucy spoke up. "How come your card wasn't hung on the fridge along with ours?"

"I've been wondering that too," Lynn added.

And there goes the fun.

Luan shrugged nonchalantly. "Like I'd know." Then she flashed a grin. "It's probably so good, it'd out best all of you and leave you jelly."

Lynn grunted in annoyance. "Here I was expecting a serious answer."

She glared at Lynn, with a teasing glint in her eye. "Hey, I'm not wrong. I probably have way more stuff to brag about than you!"

Thirty minutes of a good argument passed afterwards, before they finally finished washing the plates. Shortly after, all three came upstairs to get ready for bed.

After brushing her teeth, Luan came into her room with a lighter feeling in her chest. Who knew having a debate was all she needed to get that inner turmoil out of the way?

She opened the door, only to find herself outside the uncleaned tornado that their room was from the morning earlier. Clothes from purple to white were scattered on the ground. Some vinyl records, a stray guitar pick, a buncha clothes and…

"Eugh…" Luan shot her roommate a glare. A dirty undergarment. "You were here the whole time and you couldn't bother putting this in the basket?"

Clad in her pajamas, Luna plucked at her acoustic guitar with a shrug.

Luan pursed her lip into a snarl, taking the thing with the pinch of her index and thumb, before tossing it straight to her face.

"Dude!"

She giggled. "That'll teach you to put stuff where they should be- ow!" Luan stumbled backward as the familiar scent of Luna's perfume filled her nostrils. She huffed, clutching the pillow in her hands while Luna gave her a playful grin.

"Oh, you wanna fight?" Luan ran up to her, slamming her leg with the pillow. "I'll give ya one!"

The day didn't end after the report, nor did it end when she tore her notebook to confetti, not even after dinner. Instead, it landed with both her and her roommate in near-injuries, feathers all over the place, and mom yelling from downstairs demanding them to go to bed.

Chapter Text

Royal Woods High School

CHARACTER SLIP

Student Name: Luan Loud

Grade Level: Sophomore Year

She forgot how she ended up here, but man, did she wish she stopped herself before.

Glazing over the white card, Mom and Dad sat across her on their bed, the former squeezing the latter's hand. Their faces were dipped with trouble. Dad wore a thin smile, and Mom tapped her thigh again and again. They said it was bad: that it'd break her if she read it.

Luan swallowed. Even if it did, at least it'd destroy her before the nagging curiosity does it first.

Leaning over the wall, she continued.

"She has been coming out of her shell lately, which is both a good and bad thing." Her palms turned cold.

The "With Honors" stamp was merely a design to reframe the slip into a good light, even when the long note was far from deserving of it. She skipped over to the important words, finding "debate", and "insecurity". Teachers didn't want her studious nature if that meant she'd be pointing out their smallest mispronunciations, and loopholes.

She clutched the card tightly, fighting the urge to throw it across the room. "Seriously? All I've been trying to do was help the teachers out!" Luan claimed. "They need to know they're wrong! What's the shame in admitting to that?"

Dad stood up and brought her to sit on the bed. "Sweetie, we talked with your teachers, and…they said you were tactless."

Tactless? In what way? "All I did was point out their mistakes! It's not my fault they're egos are so big that they can't accept some kid's advice!"

She crossed her arms as Mom laid a hand on her shoulder. "It's normal to correct your teacher, and it's a good thing too." Mom started.

Luan turned away from her direction as her shoulder got squeezed. "But you have to remember, Luan, just saying it as it is, is well, rude. If you have a correction to make, you gotta follow how it's normally done."

"How, Mom?" Luan retorted sarcastically. "You gotta believe me, the teachers won't take me seriously if I just tug the sleeve and quietly ask them if they know what they're saying; I have to bluntly interrupt them to get my point across."

"But why do you have to argue with them?" Dad asked.

Couldn't they understand? "How can I not? I can't just sit through a whole class-" My voice feels different. "- Hearing my teacher blab about the wrong dates, the wrong names- or the wrong setting. But they'll underestimate me anyway if I talk one-on-one with them anyway, and I hate it when that happens."

Mom and Dad paused, giving each other looks. She seethed as the card on her hand wrinkled. They could only know so much; she didn't just stir up a debate because she got overlooked- that was one- but mainly, so she could flex her proficiency. To show off that hey, I read that on page 278. That's not 1897, it's 1896. Teachers could use that boost since some of them got their stories wrong.

"We know you detest errors in judgment, honey," Dad kneeled before her. She turned her head to the side. "But if it's over a small mispronounced word or something, why don't you just let it slide?"

"But they're teaching the wrong info, Dad." Were they real? No, Luan, of course they are! "I don't want my classmates to think that the word 'detainees' is pronounced 'detanes."

The smallest snort echoed. That was kinda funny. "I'm sure your classmates are smart enough to know that's not it, Luan," Dad said. "They said nothing against it to keep peace and order."

"But still, what if I don't care about that?" She really didn't. "Learning is what's important to me."

Mom clicked her tongue and stood up. Her heart stopped. That wasn't a good sign. "Luan, for your age, you know you can be quite inconsiderate." She accused her firmly. "I'm not shocked as to why the teachers wrote this in your card. See this as a sign for you to change."

Dad stood up too, and now, both their figures were hovering over her. "Because whether you like it or not, keeping the peace is just as crucial as correcting errors."

Blah, blah, blah. I'm not listening. "And… sacrifice…order to maintain orderliness." Huh, said something, Dad? "Life isn't all about speaking your mind, sweetie. Sometimes you gotta bite your tongue too."

"But…"

"Luan," Mom interrupted her with a glare. "You will be more tactful from now on, if you wanna see your card hung up on the fridge too. Understand?"

Luan closed her mouth and quietly slipped out of the room. Oh, well, she still had the honor's list to look forward to.

The trash bin echoed as a soda can was shot into it. School was out for the day, and so was band practice.

Leaving her toss the way it was, Luna strolled out of the band room and into the quiet corridor, one hand on her backpack strap. Not gonna lie, Luan's inconsistency worried her a little. The whole week, she was plain moody, on a see-saw of either acting like Pop-Pop when 'Nam was mentioned, or acting like Mr. Coconuts Sr. was gonna take Junior away again.

Then again, she was pretty upbeat since the honor roll was mentioned. Maybe that's the bug crawling up her crack the whole week. Yeah, she worked her butt off for that, and knowing Luan, she could be pretty insecure when nobody's watching. She was probably worried she wouldn't make it- considering her character slip was missing, and mom was acting pretty off about it too.

But she was, and if her lil' sis was good, then so was she.

"Lunes! Wait up! " She stopped on her boots.

Especially today. Luna turned her head to the side. "Yeah?"

"Check it out!" Sully exclaimed, scanning something on his phone. "School board just announced, the competition will be held in Royal Woods!"

What!?

Last year, the heads of the states bumped heads to start a campaign for promoting young talent, and budgeted this once- in-a-year event where they unite and clash with one another, both to showcase talent and to boast of them shaping students into future performers. Since its kick-off last year, high school clubs from around the state continue to anticipate this very event: The Festival of Talents.

It's a long road to go. Step one, the district round. Royal Woods' waging war within local towns in Michigan; Hazeltucky, Flint. Then it was them against every winner in all of Michigan in the regionals, before moving up to when all fifty states formed a one-track mind, one goal, which was to become the next. Big. Thing. Nationwide.

Principal Rivers could see it, and was yet again, full of high hopes for them to actively participate this year. This time, having no qualms that an opportunity as such would send the Moon Goats skyrocketing into heights soared never before. "You kids, have a lot of potential. And this is your opportunity to fulfill it."

They were true believers for real.

All eyes turned on him. "You serious, bro?" Luna blurted out. On one half, that's cool! A bigger half, nah… for a sec she thought they could travel off somewhere else! Come on!

"Uh-huh!" Sully flashed her the screen, and yep, it was the school page announcing why, when, and where. "Now I don't have to leave my little cousin behind! He's scared I'm gonna be off to faraway land again or something!"

"Naw! I was expecting we go off to another city or something!" Luna whined. "It'll just be like one of our school performances all over again!"

"On the bright side," Sam countered, wrapping an arm around her shoulder and leaning in. "It'll be familiar! We can just pretend it's like what you said, and that way we won't get too jittery!"

"She's right." Mazzy agreed. "We always rock in our school shows! If we brainwash ourselves into believing it's not much of a contest than it is having fun, then we can rock all we want, and still have high chances of rolling!"

Luna gazed at the ground in thought. They do have a point. The stress of packing, traveling, and prepping in itself in a few weeks while writing songs, testing chord progressions, and playing songs over and over again 'til perfection is a total annihilator. Plus, at least homesickness wasn't a thing to worry about anymore.

"If you put it that way…" Luna looked up to them. "Yeah, that could work."

She was still partly bummed though. So much for expecting something as grand as Rapids or Ann Arbor.

Greeting them bye, she walked back out of the room, her throat scratched and a little sore. The corridor was emptiest after 5:20 PM. A lot of the students don't linger long unless they've got clubs or practices- which usually happen out in the fields. It felt like they were the only ones here. Like it was an apocalypse and only they were the survivors- sort of vibe.

But the theater club was up here too.

From the corner of her eye, there was an open locker. The sounds of fumbling and metal clanging against skin echoed. Luna walked closer, immediately recognizing the brown shoes and the fuchsia flowers on them.

And what's better? At least she's got someone to talk to while waiting for Leni to fetch them.

She quickly approached the girl, walking right behind her. The corner of her mouth twitched up as Luna let her finger hover on her back.

"Boo!"

Luan jolted under the touch of a finger on her shoulder, twisting herself around.

Luna giggled.

Luan pressed herself inside her locker before the shock on her face quickly subsided. She shot daggers at the still-chuckling Luna. "Why would you startle me like that?"

"C'mon, you gotta admit it was funny, dude." Luna shrugged. "How long were you let out?"

"Haha, yeah, because giving me a heart attack isn't funny, it's humorous." Luan scowled, shutting the locker behind her. "Just now."

"Samesies." Luna bit her tongue. Her eyes landed on Luan's hands, lying limp on her sides. He was missing, again. "Ey, where's your chap? I haven't seen you with him since like, two days ago?"

"Oh, Mr. Coconuts?" Luan scooped her backpack from the ground, where he was in, like a baby kangaroo in its pouch. "His performance was a little woody."

Her laugh sounded flatter than normal. Lower in pitch and... Her finely tuned ears picked up on that. It was her trademark. Lacking heart. "Is it him or you that's feelin' a lil' woody?"

"You could say I've been feeling a little logged out from life lately." She said blankly, eyes glazing past hers. "Did you tell Leni to pick us up?"

"She's packed, dude. We'll go with the bus for now."

And so, they walked down the empty hallway, through the endless row of lockers; the atmosphere normally cold and lifeless. One person could make a difference, Luna thought. Even if they didn't talk. Even if they were just there.

She glanced at her sister, whose eyes were trailing down the heavily-decorated walls. "Something you're lookin' for, lil' sis?"

"Yeah," Luan muttered absently. "You know where the honor roll is?"

Luna hummed, what's the punchline? "I don't know. Where?"

"I'm serious."

Okay…? Luna pointed straight with a hand. "Just right by the exit. That was up for days, how'd ya never notice?"

Luna could feel the nervous energy radiating off her. "It just never crossed my mind."

When they reached the bulletin, Luan stopped dead in her tracks, her gaze glued to it like it was Benny the first time she saw him. Luna, having no idea where she was in the ranks, stepped beside her and looked up at it too. She glanced at Luan, then back at the list.

"See anything?" Luan rushed out.

She crossed her arms and scanned through it. The number of names in it plastered up there like a big wall of text was enough to make her wanna hurl. "Nada."

It wasn't envy. Luna felt the way she looked; rockers need no education. Though if she had to look back to her pre-punk days, she wasn't so bad herself. Topping A's and a few B's sprinkled here and there. But did she ever compete? Aim for the top? Nah. It took some resisting at first to be uncaring over school, but as her hobby for rock and roll grew, the easier it got to forget it.

"The heck?" She grew frantic by the minute, a rare sight to Luna. Luan brought a finger up and dragged it down each number, squinting. "Where am I?"

Whoa, that's weird. "What's there to worry about, man?" Luna rhetorically asked; thrown off guard by Luan's bubbling anxiety. Sure, her sister liked excelling, and she did- being firsthand to witness all her efforts. Yet she was acting like her grades were slipping off and falling on the edge. Sensing her distress, she caved in and scanned through the list along with her. It took a while…. There were around fifty names around and all the more ridiculous last names- "Hit the road, Jack!"

"You found me?"

She narrowed her eyes… "Er… There! Ooh, pretty high up the ranks if I say so myself." Luna gave an admiring nod at the second paper, before nudging Luan by the arm. "'Grats sis. 23rd spot ain't so bad."

"What?" Luan scanned the list frantically, stubborn refusal in her voice. "No, I think you mean 3rd? Or 13th?"

"Nope. Pretty sure that's a two I see." She leaned in closer, pointing directly to it. "Check it."

The instant Luan did, Luna could've sworn the light drained from her face. "Oh."

Her smile faltered; was she not proud? In a school this big, it took real competition to even qualify to the list. That's what Luna's heard from her peers, but eh, when it comes to her sibs, they can top it with little to no effort. Luan was just one of 'em. "Hey, what's with the long face?"

That seemed to snap her out of her stupor. Luan shook her head. "Nothing, nothing."

Call her someone who jumps to conclusions, but didn't her mood go on like a light after finding out she was on the roll last night? Luna raised an unimpressed brow. "Doesn't look like it to me." She muttered, squeezing Luan's shoulder as they both walked down to the front doors.

She was so upbeat yesterday; it didn't even bother her that Luna's dirty clothes were lying partly on the floor, or that her pillow's insides were practically emptied after their pillow fight. "Come on, what'd the roll do to ya?"

Well, it was worth a shot. At least Luan knew she was there for her, right?

They pushed out the doors and sat on the staircase. Good thing the bus was up and runnin' until six in the evening, cause technically, the school didn't close until then- with the clubs and all that jazz.

She drummed her finger softly on her knee. Rush hour was over and time was slow, maybe even frozen on them had it not been the occasional car, or kid that passed by. It wasn't winter dropping the atmosphere temperature, that much was sure. Luan didn't respond, and she could only count a second more with each tap her thumb made. What, did it hit a nail on her head? Was her guess right? Nah, of course it was- the honor roll had Luan looking like a man finding an oasis in the Sahara last night and now as she looked at the list, her face dropped like a lost puppy's.

Finally, having enough of the deafening silence, she glanced at her contemplating gaze. "Luan?"

"Huh? Oh, I'm good." She snappily replied, like her name was a kick to the knee. She sighed, her breaths a puff of fog as it came. "It's just… I expected more from it."

"Really?" Luna asked in disbelief. "S'not a bad start to the semester, though. What's the bummer in that?"

"What's the bummer in that?" Luan repeated mockingly, before scoffing. "You know exactly what I mean."

Luna furrowed her eyebrows skeptically. She pressed the wool of her palm to her face. Luna just watched her, waiting for an answer. There was a pause again, almost like Luan didn't know what argument she was trying to make. "23 is way out of my range. I expected 15 at least." Luan mumbled through the glove. "After everything I've done, and that's how far I get?"

Sounds like Luan's arrogance was slippin' in again.

"You can't always get what you want, dude. That's how life goes." She reminded her, shrugging indifferently. It was ridiculous to her, to think other people would risk sleepless nights, grapple and cry over a bunch of math problems, or have endless fights over time and their mind. Sure, for a high GPA, cool, but for printed paper with your name in cursive? Nobody would fight that bad.

The Luan she knew wouldn't do that either. During previous years, she liked topping classes for the fun of it, not because she needed to. Luna glanced at her with an encouraging smile. "Anyway, what's the biggie? You still got into the honor roll, and you're still gonna rock that stage this Saturday, right?"

Luan's face darkened, and her frown grew wider, looking like a mix of accused and disappointed. Luna didn't like the sound of that. Not after breathing the fresh air of her giggly demeanor yesterday. Don't tell her it was just a one-time thing, and that she was back to being the same passive-aggressive, indignant Luan she'd become lately. "Come on, dude, cheer up. It's just a list. It's not like your worth is tied to it."

 She shot up with a grunt. "The bus is here."

Luna wasn't even given time to stand on her own and Luan was already walking ahead. Like the trees in the breeze, it's ironic the way that you leave. She muttered to herself.

It was the second time this week she was doing that. Luna wasn't omnipotent, she didn't know what Luan was like with the others, but she was acting like her mere presence drove her to the wall! And she didn't do anything!

Luna rushed towards her, quickly stepping on the bus in tow. There weren't less than ten people in. "Dude, dude!" She called out, noticing Luan's steps hastening. "Come on, I wasn't trying to ruffle your feathers! I was just being honest!" She strapped her backpack off and slipped herself into the seat next to hers.

"You don't get it." Luan hissed through clenched teeth.

She groaned. "What else am I not getting, dude?" 

Luan didn't respond, her hooded eyes staring into the running visions past the glass. With a quiet sigh, she leaned back on the seat, clutching her lavender bag.

Luna bit her tongue and looked at the aisle, some students staring; stopping the conversation altogether.

Her irritation was like transparent glass, and sitting right behind it was exhaustion. All Luna knew was that Luan had a growing caffeine addiction, and that her sleep sked had been as dysfunctional as far as the word went. The ultimate combo for disaster, and now look what it's done to her. She was an island burning bridges, throwing bombs and weaponry at those who tried to cross the border.

The atmosphere felt like a brick wall stood between them. The coil is tight; on the brink of letting go. A big part of her wanted to move to another seat, just to lessen the weight in her chest. But no, that was rude, wasn't it? But she couldn't just stay either, could she?

She chose to sit still. Almost utterly still if not for her bouncing knee.

Luna glanced at her again, almost longingly, shoulders barely touching, but Luan didn't reciprocate it. Instead, she had her gaze out the window, eyes glazing like she was there but not really there. Her reflection was faint, but she could make out the visible scowl she wore. What if I give it another chance? Nudge her? Pull a reaction… say sorry.

Never mind.

If a few days ago, she said she was proud of the new upgrade in Luan's character… maybe now served as a slap to the face. Maybe this was just salt water disguised as a mineral. After all, her turmoil could be as deep as the abyss where waters run. How maybe the waves were already gushing through her barricades; how long it'd take before she'd drown.

Then again, with how cold she had become since they last bumped into each other's roads, perhaps, she already was.

Luna crossed her arms, securely hugging her backpack over her. But like Luan implied now and all those other days, she didn't wanna be saved, she didn't wanna talk about it—if anything at all. Almost as if she knew how the waters rose up to her neck, but didn't wanna acknowledge it in any way. How could you help someone jump over something when they claimed it was nothing? That was to move a mountain.

But how could she quit, when the hike's just beginning? How could she stand there and watch Luan slowly become an entirely different person—morphing into the shell of her former self?

Rides of any kind normally cleared her head, it did nothing to minimize the flurry of thoughts raging inside. She could barely feel the heat radiating from her side; pick up on the smallest shift of her leg. So close… yet so far. She was all right when telling the others that Luan needed space, but what would happen if they gave her a little too much? What if, by waiting on red moons and blue grass for her to admit she's wounded, they unknowingly spread the damage already—like a clump taken for granted, only to swell into a tumor thereafter?

Luna swallowed through the churn in her belly. And the ride went on.

It's just a list, Luan. Chill.

It's just a slip, it's no biggie.

Yeah, you worked your sanity off the edge, and drove yourself to madness all for what?

Just for pieces of paper. Yeah, okay. Maybe the school system isn't the crazy one. It's you.

Suddenly, she was in her room. She could feel Luna trailing her steps, and God. She wished she could shut the door behind her. She mentally screamed to just do it. Slam it on her face. Leave her hanging. Leave her wondering what type of venom she'd handed out to receive the same. Have her crash somewhere else while she… Luan herself, kept this room alone, doing everything not to.

She did her best. But maybe she could've done better. She should've done better.

Luan consciously pushed the thought back to her mind. If I don't laugh, I'll cry.

The door clicked behind her as Luna shut it. Luan wasn't looking at her, but knowing her presence was less than a foot away bristled her blood. It was more than a piece of paper. It was more than just being 'part' of the honor roll. It was so much more than… no, Luna didn't know that, but she'd probably have the same reaction. It's just a slip, dude, it's only half-true.

She exhaled. The hairs on her neck standing; she could've sworn that from the end of her bed, where the bean bag was, Luna's eyes were on hers. She glanced to the right, and she was right. "What?"

Luna looked away, reaching up to the guitar she leaned against the wall.

The character slip was a flop. The honor was a flop. Her efforts were all for naught.

All for a piece of paper.

Here goes another evening… trying to pretend like nothing hurts.

Luan felt her eyes misting over. It doesn't.

She pulled Mr. Coconuts out of her bag, putting him on. The dummy looked at her with unimpressed eyes. A mocking smile. Is this all you're really good for, toots? Her hand didn't move but she heard his voice. Now what? You're gonna cry over not getting what ya want? How do you ignore a voice that starts from your own head? That rocker chick's right, you're a wimp; making a big deal out of nothing.

Her heart sank, and she flickered back and forth between the stuff on top of the dresser. Brush, perfume, whipped cream. For a moment she really thought she had it all. That this, this would be when she acquired victory. When she'd reap the fruits of her labor.

That dresser top looks super messy. She thought. But the fruits of her labor were spoiled too rotten. Overly-watered. Overly produced. Too ripe. Too hyped. Her throat tightened. I should clean that up. I really should. Yeah.

"Sis?" Luna's weary voice snapped her back. "Everything good?"

Yes. No. Yes… no!

"Can you get out?" Her voice came out hoarse.

Did Luna scoff? She heard it. It didn't matter. She felt her eyes welling up. What about that comedy gig, huh? The one where—

Right, I don't have any going on right now.

"You can't just kick me out of our room." Luna insisted; her voice softer than it should've. "The heck, Man? You're acting all buzzed out and now you wanna play the victim? Seriously, what's going on?"

"Don't you have better things to do?" Luan muttered coldly, visibly trying to push out what Luna had told her. But maybe she was right. I need—"I need some space."

If only the wall could suck her into a vortex. Then she wouldn't have to be so selfish.

She could feel Luna's gaze glaze through her, almost as if, for a moment, she thought staring would get a nudge out of her. But eventually, she frowned, and walked out with her acoustic in hand; not daring to glance back.

Even before the door clicked, she fell. Don't think about it, don't think about it. Mr. Coconuts stared at her blankly. She already felt her breath hitching. She's losing strength. She's losing… she's already lost.

'Don't be so dramatic, tuts!' She mimicked through a shaky voice. 'So, what if it didn't go your way? You don't have to make a big dea–'

SLAM!

CRACK!

It took one eyeball, rolling by her loafer to register what happened. Luan's now empty hand pressed against her mouth, and with muffled sobs, she was left to helplessly take in the consequence of her action.

It was her choice to drop comedy, quit business, and stop socializing… in the name of maintaining her academic record.

But she won, right? She got what she wanted. Mr. Coconuts' bodiless head stared back at her. Only one eye is intact. Was it worth it? She could hear his withering voice rasp out. Was it worth losing me too?

Luan marched to the door, clicked the lock, and defeatedly sunk to her knees. The only rational thought in her mind now was, how am I supposed to pretend like this didn't happen?

Chapter Text

Life in a way was like theater. It kept rolling, all too fast, regardless of any mistakes you brought onto the stage.

At least it had a script. At least you didn't have to fear the unpredictable, looking side to side, jerking over the brush of air wondering, is it happening again? Just counting down the smallest pain building in her back, pooling in her chest, thinking, will this be it? Will this be the thing that kills me?

She shoved Mr. Coconuts under her bed. Respectfully knowing that he was just an object, and the thing is, when it was broken, all value was lost. So, sorry, Mr. C. You're gonna be taken care of when you're back, she felt tears brimming in her eyes looking at his dismantled figure. Until then… s-see you soon.

She wiped it before it ebbed. He was her snark. In a way, he was a part of her she killed, blatantly this time.

Later that evening, she distracted herself by pulling out her latest pieces of homework; scanning a single paragraph in literature five times in a row. But every word meant nothing. Her brain was an empty room with a fly buzzing, one she couldn't decorate with her imagination.

You can't paint with an empty spray.

What's the big deal? What was worrying about homework gonna do in the long run? Luan looked at her textbook, before shutting it close. What was learning about lines of text gonna do? Was she gonna bring that to her grave?

Instead, she crumpled her answer sheets and tossed them into the can. See if I care. She shoved the textbook into her bag and dropped it on the ground and rolled over until she faced the wall. Closing her eyes, and went to sleep.

Like it was that easy, though.

Closing her eyes, why'd you kill me, tuts? Never mind. Never mind.

Gruesome visages of Mr. C's mangled body haunted her. You did this to me, Luan. It blared loudly in her mind. She took in the throw pillow leaning on the wall and hugged that instead, her eyelids fluttering as she told herself to imagine. Maybe if she could dream long enough, it'd feel just like him. If she could just pull his spirit in, and apologize in her own mind, he'd forgive her. She'd forgive the part of her that was him.

And that's when she realized how dependent she was. On a puppet. At fifteen. How much it really meant to her to have to sleep with somebody, even if it wasn't a real thing.

Her eyelids would flutter, and shoot wide open last second. She didn't even need to sleep that night to know that being in the state she was in was the worst nightmare of all.

The sun barely crept into their room, and Luan already got up. That was… around only thirty minutes of sleep. Great. She wanted to punch herself in front of the bathroom mirror. All this for a stupid list. Are you proud of yourself? Are you happy with sacrificing your time, energy, and effort for something that won't even matter in the long run? Something so pointless?

She got up the earliest, and enjoyed the privileges of beating Lynn to the hot bath water, almost drowning in the bathtub after a sleepy spell hit her.

She could always get Mr. C repaired. With her own money. That is if he was repairable. Yeah… one of these days she was gonna do that.

Then she drank a mug, or maybe three, of coffee. It wasn't healthy, but it was all she got.

Even if she hyperventilated an hour later in the bathroom. It was like being a shaking dynamite thrown into the air. Jittery, yet floaty at the same time. So as she struggled to breathe, she paced around the bathroom to steady her frayed nerves. Eventually, it disappeared, but still. She saw herself in the mirror again and laughed. That was horrifying.

When her siblings woke up, that's when her mood took a landslide.

She didn't know how it happened. Forgot. Suppose that when Luna was out of the room, she pulled Mr. Coconuts out of the bed, just to look at him again, to contemplate her actions. Then a gasp, and Lily was by the door.

"Coconut gone?" She had a look of dismay, of shock on her face, further triggering Luan's fight-or-flight response.

"Lily, get out." She kicked the pieces under the bed and stood up. "Don't you dare tell anyone you saw this. Now shoo!"

Biggest jerk in the universe. Luan thought as she saw the tears pooling in Lily's eyes, and she bolted out of the hallway whimpering.

She let her scowl loosen. Heart goes out to you, Lil'ster. But sorry, sometimes you gotta be firm.

"That clown!" Her ears perked up on Lola's growl. "She will pay!"

A slight cacophony of buzzing reverberated, along with voices in the kitchen. Having woken up just minutes prior alone in the room, Luna came downstairs that Friday morning clad in her pajamas. Her stomach grumbled, and she figured it'd be better to eat first before taking a shower.

The buzzing became apparent, and when she turned, it was just Leni blending an orange smoothie. She popped her head into the room, finding her siblings clad in their sleepwear. "What's with all the commotion?" They all shushed her.

"Turn your voice down. She could pop around anytime, anywhere by now!" Lana whispered, darting her eyes side to side.

"No, she won't," Lynn said. "I was off to my morning jog and saw Dad driving her off to school. Something about practicing for a play."

Luna tilted her head skeptically. It wasn't her business to care about that, sure, but that was… unusually early.

Then Lincoln cleared his throat, turning to her. "You'll never believe what I found in your trash can."

Why'd that sentence somehow terrify her? "What is it?"

"Wuna!" Looking down was her baby sister, Lily, tugging at the bottom of her slip-on pajama; her arms stretched and hands opening and closing. She picked the toddler up and Lily melted in her hold.

"There's something wrong with Luan." Luna held back an exasperated sigh. Tell me somethin' I don't know. "When I was taking out the trash, I found her homework thrown out."

Luna didn't know whether she was relieved or horrified. It wasn't some corny lyrics she wrote down they caught… but at the same time, what? Luan's homework? The hell?

Before she could even say anything, Lincoln continued. "And she also fought Lily this morning."

In her arms, Lily grumbled and angrily pointed at the kitchen entrance, mimicking what was supposed to be Luan.

Her synapses fired fast and rapidly, yet somehow there was a chunk still missing from the bridge. Who the heck would get this mad over a list? Over a list!?

"Alright, alright, slow down." Luna rubbed her eyes, walking over to the counter to get her own share of coffee. "What do you mean she fought Lily?"

As it turns out, Lily went over to their room to check on Luan, asking her for some company. "Heard everything from my room." Lucy shared. "Luan lashed out at her for wanting to play."

Huh, weird. Luna thought, glancing at Lily, who nodded in agreement. They all had their moments, especially during their monthly sailing to the red sea, but nobody ever did that to their baby sister. Not even Lola. That set a new record.

She could feel her siblings stare at her from behind before Lincoln spoke. "Luna, you're her roommate; what do you think is going on with her?"

"Jeeze, guys, quit overthinking! She'll laugh it off! It's probably just puberty in its course!" Lynn interjected. "Come on, Luce—you're with me on this. We just had a debate last night!"

Lucy shrugged. "I've heard things within these walls more than you have to assume, Lynn."

Luna scanned the room. Dang it. Specs wasn't around. She'd stomp over their opinions and call hers facts.

Ignoring as they all began bickering on Luan, she got the beans from a nearby cupboard and poured them into the coffee maker. The coffee maker dinged with a click of a button and her coffee started to brew. The rule of the Loud House. When you had a problem, you'd turn into a celebrity. Over sensationalized.

"Guys!" Lincoln hissed. "Are you guys Luna?"

Luna set Lily back on the ground and leaned against the counter. They are laying it on thick. Like plaque in her nerves. "She's just got a lot on her plate. Leave her alone."

"That's what you always say!" Lola retorted. "I'm dying over addition and subtraction but I'm not acting like the whole world's falling apart!"

Lana stifled a snort, earning herself a glare from her twin. "Says the one who threatened Miss Quinn to ban math from school-"

Wait 'til they find out math has letters in 'em. Luna chuckled knowingly, wiping a stray bang from her face. "Yeah, well, you only got five subjects while we got eight." She said matter-of-factly. "Try juggling all that while they bomb you with more projects than Mick Swagger could produce records."

"Is she quitting comedy because of it?" Lana asked, shifting herself against the counter.

She paused, before shrugging. "Don't think she's got the time for it anymore."

"Okay, now we really have something to worry about." They glared at Lana. "What? Comedy's her life. If she quits like last time, then we know there's almost no turning back for her."

Luna snorted. That's life to ya, lil' sis.

"How come you and Leni are unaffected?" Lucy asked. Leni and her exchanged looks. They were different, was the first thing Luna thought.

The coffee maker sloshed with freshly brewed heat. Luna got a mug, white with the red initial L on it and poured herself one. "I mean, I dunno," She shrugged indifferently. "Only numbers I care about are time sigs."

"And I got cute boys to scout, I mean," Leni giggled. "I saw this really dreamy guy with a cowlick just the other day, he was in the library and–"

"We get it, Leni." Her siblings said in a chorus, and she shut up.

"Luan takes her GPA too seriously." Luna took a sip, bitter air wafting her face. "It's the only thing she takes seriously."

Lincoln slowly nodded, his eyes narrowing like something caught his attention. "This rings a bell. You guys remember when… Luan quit comedy because of us?"

They glanced at where he was looking. The character slips.

"This is bull," Lynn muttered. "You can't seriously tell me that's what's tearing her apart."

"No… but it could be partly the reason." Lincoln walked over to the fridge, scanning the cards. "Nobody wants to be left out. If you guys were in her shoes, you'd feel the same." He said. "I mean, come on, have you seen how she reacted when we brought it on last night?"

"No, don't tell me she's jelly?" Leni gasped; pouring her orange smoothie into a glass. "Maybe she feels left out because mom and dad forgot her slip?"

Luan is a daredevil, don't get her wrong, but she's proud of that. Why does a card of good morals have to matter? "Eh, I doubt Luan would be that shallow." Luna crossed her arms as everyone turned to her. "You'd have to stoop so low to wanna throw your life on the line."

"Exactly." Lynn scoffed dismissively. "I don't know why we're getting worked up here. Luan told me she had way more stuff to brag about than I do—how's that for insecure?"

Lincoln shot her an accusing glare. "Hey, we could never know! Knowing Luan, if you think you wear your heart on your sleeve, she wears it under five layers down!" He reasoned. "How about this —me, Lisa, and Lucy get some intel while—"

Luna shook it off. This was getting heavy, inconveniently heavy. That's just life with ten other meddling siblings, who clearly, forgot to look at the threshold they're threatening to cross. "Look, for all I've seen personally, our hunches aren't a hit-or-miss, but bottom line is; does it really matter? Luan's been pushing us away every time we give her a hand. Our meddling's the last thing she needs. If we're just gonna keep prying her and talking about this, the more she'll close up on us, dudes."

"Spot on, Luna." Lola agreed wryly. "We don't have to go all therapist on her. Just get Lily away from her! Problem solved!"

"What happened to 'better safe than sorry?" Leni frowned.

"If it bothers you that much, why don't you talk to her?" She shot Leni a look. "Besides, there's nothing to prevent here, brah. At this point, we're all just assuming there's something wrong."

Luna smiled as they began to agree to her statement. She hoped to believe herself too.

She loved comedy, but it wasn't as knitted into her blood as acting is. After all, if you can't find a reason to laugh, just act like you do. If you hate yourself, choose your fighter, play the role of another life instead.

"Cut!" The Thespians sighed in relief and released their pose.

Luan uncrossed her legs from the director's chair. "You guys did a good job."

There were some perks to it too, like being picked to direct an entire play because of how awesome and charismatic you are. And what's better? It spared her a whole day in suffocating classrooms, judging eyes, and pitiful comments from every presentation she'd ever done.

But this was a career that branched out and beyond her school plays. Her jokes sunk to the trash, and her deal with Mr. C went way out-of-hand, yet somehow, it didn't bother her. And that's funny. Because in a way, ventriloquists are like Gods; they create life out of the inanimate. They give a puppet a personality, gestures, a voice. An identity, and what came with that was attachment. Mr. C was her. More specifically, a part of her she couldn't be. Shouldn't it have hurt? To lose him? To lower herself in that process too?

Why didn't it?

What did, however, was this script. Act 2 commenced. The once nonchalant Nasa CEO finally realizes how important losing the world was when his long-lost sister came into the picture as an activist protesting with the quote, 'If Nasa can't change the world, then we will.'

She flipped the pages, reverting it to page one. Took her forever to write it. 'The Weight of Two Worlds' would've been one of her catchiest titles. Best play she's made amongst many. But it still felt a little dry.

It wasn't to pretend like she didn't hate it though, rather, she had to act like she liked it. Loved it. Loved this entire gig. And she did, but… it should've felt good. It shouldn't have to feel like a job.

Amy groaned, dropping into a seat. "What'd you say we all take a break?"

She scanned the paper, a familiar broil of frustration growing within. The characters felt dry… the plot just wasn't blowing her away, and don't even get started on the dialogue! Mrs. Bernardo may have said it was astounding, even going as far as to constantly repeating a quote from her protag; but still… something wasn't right. She couldn't pinpoint what.

"We checked out…karaoke bar last week." Rex bragged; his voice slipping through her ears. "You can't … good… microphones are."

What were we talking about again?

It took her a second to register what. "That's good. I'll catch up on you guys real soon. Get yourselves ready then, cause we all know I'll be spitting more than just fire on that mic!"

It didn't sound like her. Well, it did but… it felt distant.

Benny rolled his eyes from the row behind them. "I doubt you'd actually go through a single song without cracking one."

With the same voice. The same laugh.

"Besides the point," Parvana interrupted. "You've missed out on so many trips with us! The group just isn't the same with all your melodrama!"

Luan bit her cheek. Aw, cute. Her mind said, though her chest was numb. Yeah… melodrama. That's what I'm good at, right?

"You always told us about time management," Amy said. "I mean, are you applying that to yourself?"

Luan paused and reflected. Right. She always told them to do that. "Time management is all about prioritizing what's important, though. This year just really means a lot to me. I don't wanna feel like I'm falling behind."

They stared at her incredulously.

Wow, did that just come out of my mouth?

Benny's face hardened in confusion as he moved to sit beside her. "You? Failing when? I've known you since middle school, and you're always the one topping our classes!"

"You're stressing yourself out," Parvana said. "You should get some down time, start living life again, you know."

Live life how? Luan thought to herself. She glanced at her empty hand; my sister ran over him again. "Why don't we go to the karaoke later, then? I wanna see what's up."

That karaoke bar did sound interesting.

But while on most occasions, she'd be enthusiastic, the word itself just left distaste in her mouth.

The sun was beginning to set, like the dread slowly kicking in with another step forward she took. Luna and Leni were gonna kill her for ditching them like that, and leaving them out of mind through the whole day, all to sneak in a little fun time.

The front yard grew clearer in her vision. She took one step up the stairs to the porch, and another, before pausing. For the first time in forever, it was quiet behind the door. She straightened her back, and forced a smile. It's a miracle.

"What do you mean mira..." Luan dropped her hand. Right. Mr. C's out. Gotta get used to that for now.

She pulled her phone out, the wallpaper now a selfie of her and Benny holding mics from earlier. Oh yeah. Luan blankly stared at it. That happened. She reminded herself again since coming down from the high. I was there. Why doesn't it feel like I was though? Why don't I feel it? Remember it?

Her calves were beginning to ache. Maybe I just need sleep.

With a deep breath, she mentally braced herself for whatever the doors would uncover. It did nothing to alleviate that nagging feeling of something being off. But it's her house too, so whatever.

Luan slipped into the house, and was immediately greeted by all her siblings huddled up on the couch- surprisingly, all clad in their pajamas. Was her watch mixed up into saying 7pm, because this told her it was already 9.

They all turned to her in surprise. "Wow, you came home early. Good thing mom and dad aren't coming back here 'til 10, otherwise, you'd be doomed." Lynn snorted. "Went off on a date with Benny-boy again? How far'd you two make it?"

Lincoln nudged her with a scowl. "The younger kids are here."

Lynn rubbed her forearm, glaring at him. "It's not like they'd get it."

"What's going on?" Luan walked near the stairs, glancing over at the TV.

"You don't remember?" Lola gasped, appalled. "Tonight's the premier of The Dream Boat, season 3!"

It was?

Play the part, Luan.

"Oh, right! Must've gotten my dates mixed up, geddit?" They all groaned.

"Speaking of dates, don't forget to be early tomorrow." Leni reminded her. "Tomorrow's your recognition day, remember?"

Luan's grin faltered, but didn't vanish entirely. "Yeah, yeah. How can I forget?"

She went upstairs wishing she could.

Chapter Text

Luna grumbled under her breath, climbing down the ladder of her bunk. The sound of a rooster blared through the phone that sat on Luan's bedside. Yet there she was, curled up under her blanket lying motionless. How was she sound asleep through this?

Hovering over the phone, Luna turned the alarm off. Seven o' clock sharp. Thirty minutes earlier than her alarm. She rubbed her eyes; thirty minutes that could've been spent with her climbing up on stage, singing her lungs out and living her rock n' roll fantasy.

Until this darn thing shouted it's all a dream— right before she was about to reach the stage and sing with Mick Swagger!

She huffed, placing a hand on her roommate's shoulder. It's only fair, she gets to ruin her morning too.

"Yo, dudette…" No response.

"Mate, wake up." Luna softly shook her. "Oversleep much?"

She didn't move. "I'm up."

"Uh-huh. Sure, looks like it." Luan's back remained turned to her. "It's time to get ready for your special day."

A tone of enthusiasm seeped in Luna's voice; one she didn't share. "What's the point?" Luan finally rolled over, hovering an arm over her eyes. "I feel sick."

The heater was working just fine. What, did she get caught up in a snowstorm or something? "Yeah, 'kay. Keep on humblin' yourself like that." Luna tilted her head to catch a better view of her face, before placing a hand on her forehead. "You feel fine to me."

Luan grumbled.

She rolled her eyes, going down to their closet. "Seriously, brah, get up. You don't wanna miss the buffet pops cooking upo."

The door closed yet the sounds of pity-pattering and voices echoed beyond the wall. Luan glared at the ceiling and groaned. Dad's buffet… her stomach grumbled at the thought. Breakfast. She needed breakfast.

Luan lifted herself off the pillow ever so slightly. The world spun as a strong throb pulsed through the back of her head. She froze in place.

Luna looked over her shoulder; for a second, she thought of her as an imposter. "You okay?"

The words came fuzzy in her ears. She nodded.

Luna shrugged absently, turning her back on Luan as she picked up her robe, leaving out the door without another word.

Luan brought her knees to her chest, head in hand. She leaned back on the headboard and stared at the wall. The world around her was the same as it was. So many footsteps, so many voices. But that was it, right? All behind the walls. She squeezed her toes, felt the bedspread clump underneath. The room dimmed with the sunlight. This is real; you're acting crazy. She told herself. Maybe I just need more sleep.

She caught a glimpse of her trash can. Empty. Lincoln must've taken out the trash already. If the teacher asks, Charles ate my homework.

Luan reached out to her blanket and wrapped herself in it. How'd she fall asleep last night? It felt like rigor mortis was just about setting in. Her limbs, specifically her legs ached, and her head… it was always heavy, now wasn't an exception. Today was the recognition… recognition. The words echoed in her mind. It was supposed to carry so much more meaning. Having to go there, without your best friend, without the reward of a high rank that you deserve? But why doesn't it? Luan thought to herself. The events of yesterday were bleary and dreamlike. Why don't you care?

She reached up to her nightstand, feeling for her phone and turning it on. A flood of greetings blowing up her notifications, the redundant compliments from 'good job' to 'congrats', and the occasional starry emojis that flooded their messages.

Delete all notifications.

Her head throbbed, and she dropped her phone on the pillow. Did she oversleep? What even happened last night after I got home?

"You coming or nay?" The fragrant aroma of shampoo wafted the room.

Luan jolted, turning to the left, right when Luna picked up her clothes out the closet, clad in her purple robe with a towel hung on her shoulder. Luna took showers fast, probably because she didn't have as much hair as the rest of them did.

"Or."

Through their ocean of clothes, Luna pulled her leather jacket out. "Don't tell me you're gonna fake being sick again, brah." She groaned. "I swear, this is not the day you'd wanna get sick on."

Please, Luna. She inwardly sneered. If you only knew. "And why not?"

"Alright, then, if you're so mad about having a low rank," Luna glared at her, as if the implication of her disappointment was offensive. Mind me snagging your place instead?"

She instantly shut her mouth, throwing the blanket off her in frustration. "I was kidding. I'll go."

Luan forced herself up with shaky legs; spare her from an impatient Luna cornering her until she said something. She rushed to get her robe and clothes, before leaving the room.

Once Luna finished changing into a more formal outfit of hers—nothing much, just some black jeans, thrown in with boots and a purple coat, she surfed through the pockets only to find spare change and one of Sam's lucky picks.

The teal pick dropped under the bed, and Luna cursed before kneeling down. Any chance she got to go on stage, Luan would never let such an opportunity pass. She'd be stoked and anticipating when she can go on stage. It wasn't about reaping the fruit of her labor. It was about attention. The recognition.

But she wasn't.

Apprehension crawled into her gut. She wouldn't lie to say that her worry was wearing a little thin. She was just as tired worrying for her than Luan was struggling for herself.

Luna stuck her hand under the bed, feeling for the pick. Amidst all the rubber chickens and whoopee cushions, it should be here somewhere-

Wait. Luna squeezed something. Round and wooden and—ow!

…Prickly?

She yanked on what seemed to be fabric on firm wood, why's LJ's bat under out bed—

Her blood iced over.

Then it thawed, and boiled. You cheeky little…

Mr. Coconuts had a huge gash running from his hair down to his chin. One eye gone.

Can't believe she fell for the lie that she just got bored with him. Of course that was a lie. It wasn't her to just tire of her soulmate. That's like if she tore Mick's posters and said he was an ass!

She cupped his head, studying the mangled-up puppet. This had to be a prank. Luna's stomach churned as she slipped the puppet under the bed. The honor roll was a petty reason for wanting to throw it all away, yet here she was, throwing the extra mile just for that; tossing away her life's work, surrendering her most prized possessions, sleeping too little…

For what? What was she getting from all this?

Luna mumbled ruefully, and ignoring the puppet, continued feeling for her pick. When she found it, she placed it inside the drawer and got back to her feet. It was just a list. It was just a number. Sure, maybe it didn't compensate for her work, but she still got in. She sat on her bed with a sigh. Couldn't she be at least a little grateful for it?

All this thinking made her head ache. Luna growled in frustration, reaching up to her bunk and grabbing her phone from under the pillow. If Leni couldn't pry Luan herself, then somebody had to do it. Luna pursed her lips and scrolled through her contacts. She needed answers. Without asking the actual source.

Maybe reasons… 'possible reasons' is a better word for it.

Luna stood up and peeked out the door. Luan was in the middle of the line to the bathroom. Perfect.

She sat back down, and found the one she was looking for. She clicked it; it rang, then beeped.

"Hello?"

"Sis," Luna started breathlessly. "So, check it, I kinda wanted to ask you about something."

Chapter Text

They sat down the row of Monoblock chairs neatly arranged. Heck, she deserved none of this. Their proud grins, their enthusiasm to be here. To be in this big event in this simple-made-fancy venue, wearing this Sunday dress that made her glow into a special type of glory weren't things that she deserved.

All for what? A spot on the 23rd place? She crossed her ankles. It's more of a 'thank you', than it was a congrats. Like minimum wage to a blue-collar job.

"Luan!" He wore a navy-blue suit and red bowtie. Haha. Coincidence. Blue-collar.

She stood up, ignoring how her family squealed in amusement as she pulled him into a brief hug. "Fancy meeting you here."

"Couldn't miss this for the world." He grinned, and a little fuzzy feeling grew in her stomach. Oh, thank goodness, I'm still human. "Not sure if you noticed, but you're not the only one who managed to get into the list."

She smirked. He was on the 34th, not too far away from hers. "And you didn't say anything?"

He chuckled sheepishly. "Just trying to be humble."

Everything was happening, people were talking. Muffled, hazy. It was a shame. Such a shame. Luan thought as her family pulled her into a group hug, the third one they'd given out to each other. The warmth, the stuffiness of being entangled in thirteen sets of limbs, contrasted the ever-growing hole inside. She should be at the very least, grateful that her family was taking this more seriously than she ever could. But everything happened so fast, and-

"Smile, kids!" Mom exclaimed, holding up her selfie stick.

She gave Benny a hug and dad shot them a photo; half an hour was spent snapping pictures with her mom, dad, siblings. Her memory was foggy, but somehow, they were in Vanzilla. They drove back all the way to Lynn's Table for dad's special treat, and it stretched on for minutes; enough to see the blue-sky morph to orange. Leaning on the windowpane, she watched cars of different shades and shapes pass by. She just wanted to go home. Sleep. Doze off, whatever adjective fits.

The van parked in their restaurant's parking lot, and she could feel her belly grumble. As they came in and picked a table, Lincoln boasted about his hard work, how elating it was to be the ninth out of an entire civilization of honor students. Lisa mentioned how sixth grade was a walk in the park, and that if she could blink through kindergarten and be the top in the whole batch, and go through fifth grade without trying, then she could wing it without even trying as much as him. The twins laughed, Lily babbled, and the rest of them basked in the cushioned couches of a restaurant they considered their second home.

It normally offered her comfort. Luan fought the urge to plaster her palms on her ears. But now it was just grating.

"When's the food coming out?" Lola whined, growing fussy. "I'm starving!"

A joke crawled into the back of her mind but was somehow blocked. She'd say it if she knew what it was. Instead, she sat there, flexing and unbending the hand where Mr. Coconuts would be. A reflex, if you will. Keeping herself practiced for when the old doll got repaired. They were gonna be here the entire night.

Lifting seventeen muscles should've been easy. Should've been lighter than dropping into a frown. But her cheeks hurt anyway, and she found herself sneaking out of the table. The bathroom could offer some solace. Luan thought. Just for a second; it wouldn't hurt to take a break from all the noise.

She went in and was immediately greeted with silence and lavender air freshener, just the right calming balm for someone wound up after dropping a deuce. Leni's idea.

Luan approached the mirror, blue eyes reflecting back at her. It's you. She heard her mind say. See yourself?

Uh-huh.

She looked at her hand. Somehow it felt detached from her. Somehow this mirror didn't feel real. And yeah, she should be scared…but… nothing. But nothing!

Luan blinked, raising her hand up, and her reflection followed. She moved it around, and it followed. This is me. She told herself, yet somehow it felt like a lie.

"Luan?" She jolted as the mirror reflected Lucy standing by the door. "What're you doing?"

"Oh-uh…just… miming." Deflecting, she began touching the pretend-box over her. She could feel Lucy study her through the curtains of her bangs. "Why?"

Luan dropped her hands and walked over to her. "Sigh. We're famished." Lucy said. "Let's go."

 Her heart steadied as they walked out the door. "You could've just started without me."

Lucy's lips twitched into a small smirk. "We did. I just said that to make you come out easier."

Luan feigned a shocked gasp, and rolled her eyes. "Look at you, budding little sneak," She teased. "We should really tag-team for next year's April Fools."

They both walked out the restroom. "I'd rather be kidnapped by a vampire-wolf colony." Lucy commented. "On second thought, that wouldn't be so bad."

When they both returned shortly, that was when the real feast began.

The older girls shared long conversations while the younger kids ran around the restaurant in childish glee; Lola and Lana played hide and seek, Lincoln and Lucy were playing Sherlock Holmes: investigating the restaurant up and down with the hopes of finding something new, even though they were once in charge of helping dad with the restaurant's architecture.

The rest of them, who sat at their tables, did their own thing. Lisa looked through her report card for some reason, mumbling on and on about only getting a B in English; Lynn wolfed down the whole turkey, chomping it down like a feral animal that was starved for months.

In contrast to Luan. Her stomach couldn't take one more spoon without rebounding, even as the food beckoned her with its aroma. Standing up, Luan walked around other tables, catching sight of her pageant sister curled into a ball under one of them. "Hey, Lols, what're you doing?"

"Hush!" Lola placed a finger on her lips. "I'm trying to hide from Lana!"

She scoffed. "Talk about hiding in plain sight."

Going back to the table with her family where everyone huddled up, Lily waved her hand up as their eyes met. Luan approached her baby sister, scooping her up in her arms. The two-year-old wrapped an arm over her shoulder for support. "Hewwo, Wuan!"

The road to learning how to talk was gonna be a long one. Luan sat on the edge of the chair, ruffling up Lily's blonde hair. "'Hey Lil's! Enjoying the buffet?"

Lily wanted them to play charades—she'd act, Luan would guess which sibling it was, and boy, was it entertaining. She contorted her face into the most unusual expressions, from the trademark double-chin that exposed Lori's bad angle, Lynn's furrowed-brow-grin; even going as far as staring at her with the sad peepers to imitate… okay that was hard cause they all did that. But according to Lily, Lola did it most. Who knew babies could be so good at picking up their sibling's mannerisms?

"Imitate me." Luan challenged, with a smirk on her face.

But before Lily could, her phone vibrated from her blazer pocket. Lori? Huh, that's weird. She must've gotten the wrong contact. Luan walked to a distant table, and, after making sure none of them could disturb her, turned on video chat. "Hey, Lori!"

"Whoa, Luan, is that you? You look older!" Came the blonde's awe. Well, yeah, I am growing up. Too fast, that is. "Heard it was your recognition today. Congrats!"

A smile tugged at her lips. "Hehe, thanks." That did manage a little spark out of her. "It's Lisa's and Linc's too."

"I know." Lori's voice then took a turn. "Listen, I've been hearing a lot from a little birdie and…"

"Fangs?" She joked half-heartedly.

Lori paused to think. "Maybe." She smirked, looking far off. "Anyway, I heard you were having problems being the leader at school?"

Who told her!? "Oh, that?" Luan scoffed. "You know how high school is; always bombarding you with stuff back and forth."

"Luna told me it was more than that," Lori blurted out, before briefly slapping a hand to her mouth. "I've been there too, done all that…" Why are they involving Lori now? Seriously? Luan found herself glaring at the purple-clad rocker, just tables away. Of course.

"Just talk to me, alright?"

Huh? Luan snapped back to the phone. "Wait, what else did she tell you?"

Basic knowledge. Leni and her talked on the phone a lot about the ins of the house while she's away. About how she's not sleeping much, how she's snappy, and now Luna found Mr. C. Should'a kept him in a sack.

Everyone already caught on with her motions through 'emotional puberty', if you will, but according to them, she's the one who refuses to acknowledge it.

Because why would she? Rest isn't gonna stop the stress, it'll just prolong the agony.

"Gee, thanks for spoiling the mood," Luan playfully scowled; though she wasn't kidding.

"I would've called a better time, but we have finals coming up." Lori shrugged. "I didn't think your party would last this long.. It's literally like, nearing midnight right now."

Luan glanced at her siblings, scattered about the restaurant, fooling around. "Sorry you couldn't come to celebrate with us." Her voice softened sympathetically. "You would've loved the sushi around here."

Through the screen, Lori smiled wistfully. "Yeah, I'll just have to deal with my stack of instant noodles in the meantime."

Another voice came to the line, to which Lori glanced at the camera, said she had to go, left statements about having advice if she needed; Luan forgot.

She placed her phone on the table, dropping her head in her hand. They all wanted to help, out of the goodness of their hearts, but it was pointless. Luan thought to herself, breathing in deeply. She could talk to Lisa about everything, maybe she'd have a clue… but what'll that do? Pointless. Maybe she could go do a quick search as to what this new sensation was… pointless.

The speakers drummed to a pop beat and her siblings laughed, ran, and caused mayhem about. Yet somehow, in her, she felt the lights go low. A bonfire in her head that slowly diminished into nothing more than cold vapor.

All she wanted to do right now was go home. Sleep this all off.

Chapter Text

Lyrics to: Bed of Roses—Bon Jovi (1992)

Everyone wanted to crash.

...Figuratively. Geeze, okay, maybe that isn't the best thing to say when Vanzilla's running.

Sitting on the first row behind the wheel, Luna stared out at the glass blankly, passing by street sights, buildings; cars with blinding lights. Her headphones hung around her neck; battery long left for dead. All that's left to accompany her was the sound of the engines… or maybe that was just Lynn from the back seat. She drummed empty hands on her thighs; fingers pressing invisible piano keys. For an hour this late, Royal Woods still roared with life. Mom fiddled with the stereo, switching to a station that played the soft riff of an axe. It instantly clicked in her just what that song was.

She grimaced. Sorry, 'rents, too full to handle your cheese right now.

I wanna lay you down in a bed of roses,

"Oh, honey," Dad slurred sluggishly. "It's our jam."

For tonight I'll sleep on a bed of nails

Mom turned the volume up, and she felt the speaker boom against her leg. "Sure is."

The entire fam knew the band, considering the 'rents were head-over-heels for them. Luna leaned her head on the window, her head buzzing as she closed her eyes. There came that hazy scene again, vivid like months hadn't just passed since. Singing after that bowling alley gig, just Sam and her, edge of the stage. Luna borrowed her acoustic, and covered A Rocket to the Moon's song, 'Baby Blue Eyes', saying it reminds me of you.

Oh, I wanna be just as close the Holy Ghost is

And Sam, oh, she was dead flushed, maybe teary-eyed, frozen in that moment in time. Luna giggled quietly; and all through that, she never knew that song was Sam's fav, yet it was.

And lay down on a bed of roses

She kept her grin up until Sam cupped her cheeks, and captured her lips without warning. Pulled back, and whispered "I love you."

Gravel crunched under the van as they hit a rocky surface. Their first kiss. Right under the duress of sore legs and an aching back from carrying the amps to the stage. Ah, yes, that was an October to remember.

A warm gust swept over her as Dad shifted on the front seat. The road was unwinding; rolling endlessly while the radio rocked on. Being wild and out of her inhibitions wasn't the only thing Luna craved; amidst the head banging and the adrenaline of music playing, came the thought of hitting the wheel too. Driving aimlessly the moment she could legally buy a car like Lori. Going nowhere, just anywhere—like a walk in the park late at night but on the road, on the wheels.

Luna's eyes fluttered open and she glanced over to her side, finding Lincoln cradling Lisa's head on his lap, eyelids on the brink of closing; head drooping then jolting. Droop, jolt.

Such time passed until Vanzilla stopped. She grimaced at the light right across their fence. Geez, Mr. Grouse's bulb can light up a whole neighborhood.

"Kids, we're home." Mom turned around as some of her siblings stirred. "Get changed. You can all continue sleeping once you're done."

She yawned, sliding the door open and slipping out. Can't lie, sleeping in a running vehicle sounds way more appealing.

Dad sluggishly unlocked the front door, and they all came into the house, going upstairs until each door clicked shut. Luna flicked the light switch on and dropped herself on the beanbag chair, barely accounting for the fact that Luan followed shortly after her. Shutting the door, she dropped to her bed with a tired groan. "I don't wanna get changed."

"Ditto, dude." Luna pulled her headphones out and tossed them up her bunk. "Party's over but we aren't."

Luan pushed herself up before leaning back on the headboard. Being the most festive out of their family, they both lived for the thrill of festivity: the counting down, the celebrating, but never winding down. "You better brush your teeth. Don't wanna be woken up over someone's breath of death, again."

"Like you don't have metal in your mouth." Luna shot her a joking glare, sharply jolting herself up before she dozed off on the seat. It happened before, and in the end, doc said no headbanging for a week.

Huh... Breath of Death. Wicked. She should hook Luce-change up to write lyrics for that. A little metal in the punk, maybe. That'd suit Spooky's style best.

"So, you told Lori, huh?" She started, her tone lowering. Luan took her yellow blazer off, exposing the long-sleeved blouse she wore underneath.

"She told you it was me?"

Luan rested the blazer on her lap, scowling at her impatiently. "Why?"

"What do you mean why?" Luna shot her an incredulous glare; since when was it a crime? " You've been keepin' up with this mood of yours and none of us know what to do! I thought she'd be able to help!"

Guess not.

"What do you even have to worry about?" Luan sneered. "I'm fine!"

Luna breathed in deep, slowly, trying to quell the churning in her stomach. And that was Luan to her. She'd throw everyone off and downplay it like last time. Tell her it's nothing. Never the type to talk about such; never seeing it to be as relevant as the next quip. She couldn't sit back and wait for more admission to unfold. Not with all the sibs talking about her. Lily crying over her, and Leni pushing her to do something about it. Whether she liked it or not, in this home studio, Luan had to face the music.

Luna rolled her eyes. "Like hell you are." She dropped her hands to her lap, tracing the edges of her bracelets.

She tried to ignore the fear coursing through her. If she set her straight or tried to, the more Luan fought. She had to rise with a soft melody, let the metronome tick right before she could pick up the pace. "Look, I just wanna know how you're feeling. You know, in your heart. What's it saying? Cause looking at you right now, I think it's speaking volumes."

Luan waved a dismissive hand. "I just had some bad reports. No biggie."

She growled in frustration, throwing her hand up exasperatedly. She was harder to talk to than Mick Swagger's poster! "You mean to tell me you're acting up over a buncha bad reports?" Luna scanned her face. She was a slow-dying flower that knew, but accepted fate, somehow! "Then what about all those nights you stay up? All those days you'd snap at us over nothing. What was that, huh?"

Luan noticeably winced. "The stress has been getting to me. But I am trying!"

Luna's nails sunk into her denim jeans. "Trying to what? Act as some sort of saving grace? Why won't you just… let them figure out their own rhythm? They're not gonna pick up on anything if you're spoon-feeding them!"

"Yeah, of course, it's that easy! I should've thought of that sooner!" She hissed, flicking her wrist sardonically. "You don't have to worry about doing things for your groups!"

"You're right, I don't!" Luna snarled bitterly. But that's only because there's gonna be one person hoggin' all the work, which I'm pretty sure is what you're doing!"

She shook her head. "With the way my classmates work? It's not like I have a choice."

"You do. You just refuse it." Luna grumbled, wiping a hand down her face. "You have your gang, your boyfriend!" What ire Luan had faltered into troubled reflection. "You have people wanting to look out for you, dude; you're just too stubborn to see that!"

With pinched eyebrows, she stared at the wall grimly, eyes dancing to the posters of comedy gigs like it'd give her some sort of comeback. Crickets outside buzzed noise into the room. All the while, the jitters that kept Luna demanding answers sunk into something akin to disappointment. Did she not trust anybody enough, is that it? What was holding her back? She exhaled, slipping herself out of Luan's bedside to get their pajamas, nearly tripping on her boot's untied lace.

Cursing under her breath, she opened the closet, and picked out her nightshirt out of the folded pile. "You brought this onto yourself, dude." She said exasperatedly. "And it's hurting all of us too."

When Luan didn't respond, she shook her head, feeling frustration rise once more. "You're confusing me a lot, brah. It's so easy for you to act like the whole world's crashing down, but if anyone tries to help you pick the pieces, you refuse." Luna flung her nightshirt over her shoulder and pulled Luan's own pajamas out. "I'm getting sick of it. It's like you'd rather die than sacrifice a lil' pride."

"Luna, enough." Luan nabbed her pajamas right as Luna pulled them out, before heading over the nightstand. She was cracking. Luna could hear it in her voice. Her defenses were slipping. And frankly, so was her patience.

"There you go again. It's not that hard to admit you need help, Luan! Seriously!" Luna clicked her tongue. "You're shutting me out again, then what?" She slammed the closet shut, glaring at Luan's back. "You're gonna snap. Then you're gonna break something and blame it on the system? I swear, dude, if this keeps on, I don't think I can deal!"

Luan clenched her fists. There was a good reason why she didn't wanna share the load, even to he siblings. hen don't."

"Like I have a choice!?" Luna exclaimed, her voice scathing. " You're my sister, dude. I'm stuck with you!" She stomped towards Luan. "You're acting like these projects of yours are so hard to do, but they're not!  Lisa can do them, Lincoln— heck, even I offered to do it for you, but you just— "

Then she heard a sniffle.

Her heart hollowed, and all the anger immediately subsided.

Great. You made her cry. She thought to herself. Congrats, brah.

Stepping closer, she softly placed a hand on Luan's shoulder, hoping it'd soothe her, but Luan jerked away. Her frustration warred as remorse slipped through the cracks. Luna couldn't just sit and stare. She didn't get the story, she didn't get why Luan had to do the things she did to succeed, but that didn't matter. She was falling apart anyway, and it was her fault for pushing her too far.

It was a difficult move. Luna peeked at Luan's face. She looked away with bleary eyes. But after seeing what she'd seen, and hearing what she'd heard, Luna couldn't sleep knowing no closure to this.

So, despite Luan's clear objections against comfort, she gently, tentatively coaxed her into a hug.

It took her back, just how frail she felt in her arms. "Why won't you just let us help, dude...?" Luna's voice was hoarse as she cautiously rubbed circles around her back. She felt Luan freeze, probably concentrating all of her energy into not breaking down right then and there. 

Then she realized why. Or at least... The most likely reason why. She rested her chin on Luan's trembling shoulder, trying to soothe her with her soft words. "You're not a burden for wanting a hand, if that's what you're thinking, man...you're not."

She felt Luan's back hitch, her head shake. "I-it's not that..."

"Then why?"

One second. Luna counted. Two seconds. She's gonna reject it. She's gonna push me away—

Luan buried her head in her shoulder and shattered like a mirror in her arms. A mirror that she purposefully knocked over in hopes of finding a world under the surface.

The familiar twinge of guilt pooled in her stomach. She'd comforted her younger siblings in the past, whether it was Lincoln over a bully or Lola losing that Pretty Miss Groovy show, but not Luan. She never showed vulnerability like that. Never dared to.

Yet here she was. Luan's soft whimpers slipped into her ears, and helplessly, all she could do was squeeze her tighter. This wasn't enough to help, but it was the only thing that felt right. "Sh... it's okay... it's okay." It might've been the last thing Luan wanted to hear. Things were tumbling down for her, but that was all she could say.

It was foreign in a sickening way, to see someone so positive crack and bleed black. Seeing someone so spontaneous forget how to articulate themselves. Luna felt her own throat tighten, but she had to stand her ground. Maybe she'd never truly understand what Luan had to go through. What'd it feel like, to be forced to sprint faster when your legs were numbing out, then to come home, with a mere consolation for the gold, for the life you'd exchanged for it?

As much as it irritated her, she'd desperately take that pain away in a heartbeat. If she could.

If only Luan let her sooner.

The floorboards outside creaked, but they both overlooked it. Even when a looming thought told Luan she'd be embarrassed by this later; even when Luna knew that the other rooms heard them and Leni would probably snoop tomorrow morning, it didn't matter. What mattered now was that the walls finally broke. No more filters, no more lies.

Under the door, Luan's certificate slipped through. So much worse than a paper cut. It tore beyond the muscle. It took just that single piece of paper to cut her deeper than anyone could ever know.

For how long she'd carry the load, it only took an hour to drop it all.

Chapter Text

And as soon as she pulled herself out of the debris, as soon as her sobs subsided and her breaths calmed, Luna sat them both down, said they'd have to talk everything out; that she had to know more and needed to, and Luan only nodded, too drained to object.

After changing, Luna sternly asked her to start over, with what's been going on and why. Telling her she wanted to understand with no trace of judgment; that all she needed to do was lay the cards on the table. That's when she realized Luna wasn't just here to lend an ear. She was here to walk with her into the depths of her suppressed emotions, to know and make sense of it all along with her.

That's the thing, though…

She couldn't. It was like untangling knots on oily hair… so confusing to explain, without sounding like a self-important brat. To picture it out without painting herself as the hero, the posh monarch tossing out his bread crumbs to the needy. And she was already embarrassed enough, having her dignity stripped away from her again. Having to break. Having Luna build her to pieces again… gave her a shudder. It felt like... if Lincoln walked in on her changing. Humiliating.

But as Luna turned the lights off, gesturing for her to turn the lamp on instead, she knew there was no getting out of this anymore. They cleaned up their act. Washed off the dry tears and running mascara, and residue makeup off their faces; ready to crash.

And by crash, as in, drop the glass. Let the depths, the waters of their thoughts flow.

Luan sat on the edge of her bed, elbows propped on her knees, and in her hands, she tightened it. She tightened her grip, contemplating whether or not to crumple this certificate.

For making it 23rd on the overall honor roll. Grade point average (GPA) of 3.4.

Awarded on the 21st of January 2017.

She ruminated on the thought of ripping it. Waste good card paper. Just to spite the school. No value in it now.

Sighing, she slipped it into the nightstand drawer.

Glancing to the side, Luna waited across her, leaning back on the throw pillow she propped up the wall.

She was serious. Luan thought, stomach-churning in uneasy anticipation. "You have to understand. It's not my fault they dump so many projects on us." Luna stared at her skeptically, sitting across her at the edge of the lower bunk bed. "And my classmates… they're so…" Luan flicked her wrist around, struggling to articulate. "Stupid...!"

She reached over to her side, grabbing the neck of her acoustic guitar, as she always does whenever they had late-night talks. It kept the atmosphere balanced, plus it gave her hands something to do. She mindlessly plucked its strings. "Stupid, huh." Luna murmured. "In what way, sis?"

"I try to divide the work, I always do— but they can't handle it. I'd think giving them a simple task will help, but they can't understand instructions." Luan admitted dryly. "And then I have to revise it, and waste more time. Every single activity."

Luna looked down at her guitar, conflict glimmering in her eyes, before she returned strumming. Sophomore year's a wreck for everyone. Been there, felt that. Just not to the same extent Luan had."

"I get that dude… but something specific must've been going on." It was more of a statement than a question. She held some of her words back. Words in this scenario were dire. Luan was an emotional eggshell farm she had to navigate through. "You're changing... Not obviously but I'm pickin' up on it now."

"Well, yeah, something did happen. Lots of things happened." Luan looked down at the lump of her legs protruding under the blanket, the air visibly shifting. She flashed back to the event, how hard she worked for it all, how it all blew up on her face and her classmates pitying gazes. The humiliation she felt.

She blinked rapidly to cool the searing heat pooling in her eyes. There was no avoiding the topic, without Luna's insistence, but she didn't wanna feel it. Not again.

When only silence responded, she rested her guitar on her lap and shifted to face her directly, studying her hesitant features.

Luan was fine. She looked fine. Luna thought, eyeing her, studying her. But deep inside... nothing was okay. She could see it in Luan's eyes. The hollowness in them, that this whole deal with school changed her.

Now Luna understood why her siblings cared so much.

She was a lyricist; studying words, their tone, their…vibe, it's her biz "Then... Start from the beginning, brah."

It was a pushy whisper. It could've gone softer, but it wasn't like she could re-record her voice note. This was all live, here and now.

A glint of nausea flickered in Luan's eyes, and a sense of determination seeped through her. That pain, that fear. She knew she had to push it out. Like puke, letting it out would be the only way to ensure the pain goes away, to ensure she wouldn't have to suffer bearing that ache again.

Luna sighed through her nose, leaning her guitar down the bedframe with a soft buzz.

Only improv could convince Luan now. She shifted closer, until their knees touched. "Don't shut me out now... We've come this far." Luna began, trying to be tender even when it wasn't her thing."I wanna help you, even if that means all I can do is listen. You know you need it."  Luna held Luan's gaze, which carried reluctance still; she could only hope her younger sis found trust in hers. "But I can't do this if you're not gonna meet me halfway."

Luan studied her face, a little foreign and bare now that her eye shadow and mascara washed out. Yellow twinkled in her eyes, glinting sincerity. Maybe even desperation, had she not been wrong. Suddenly, the world felt grounded again. This is real. Her heart jerked. I'm human. I'm still human.

"Buckle up," Luan finally said, a mirthless smile crossing her face. "Cause I'm gonna pull you through all five stages of grief."

Luna rolled her eyes playfully.

For a long time, they sat beside the soft golden glow, acoustic tunes ringing as Luan told her tale. One thing she emphasized was the hefty load of group work she carried on alone. Everything else was scattered, beginning from the very highlight of the week, briefly mentioning a bummer report with Ms. Dublin, to Mr. Fernandez, to the little bits and pieces of work that stacked themselves up until she was rendered too busy to breathe.

Luna was left stunned as she opened it all up to her and clarified it. And somehow everything she and Leni debated and discussed started making sense. She lost it all in the hopes of winning. All the nights she compromised sleep, the outings she rejected, the times when she'd give and receive none, and what did all that give her? A rank lower than the ones who asked so much of her. It was almost like a betrayal, in a way. "But it doesn't matter… not anymore. I should just be glad I'm even on the list."

That felt like a direct slap to what she used to tell her.

"It does matter." She expressed; her voice resolute. The world was never meant to play fair, but she couldn't blame Luan for feeling crushed over the reality. "I was wrong. I get it now. You wanted to be up there, and... you worked for it. You just didn't know. Couldn't have anticipated the project dump, and the crazy number of group work."

"In a nutshell, basically." Luan sighed, slumping against the headboard.

Luna frowned. She didn't like seeing Luan like this. A tired, soggy bag on the precipice of defeat. She couldn't judge Luan for expecting credit that she felt was due. Initially, Luna assumed there were just... other kids, smarter than Luan was. But hearing what she had to say now, it became clear to her, why being Top 23 was a blatant insult to Luan's effort. It was the system itself. There were too many projects, and only two little competent hands cooking for a table of a dozen.

This was what Luna saw was happening with her classmates too. The smart ones. The academic kids. Thank the rock gods she had a different path ahead of her to care about education.

That didn't mean she was dumb though, just indifferent. Luna knew by the slouch in Luan's disposition and the zombified look in her eyes that she needed so much more than a listening ear. She needed a helping hand. And she could help her. In a damn heartbeat, she would. But the hope that alit in Luna's chest instantly blew over. Luan had a whole armada of them. A whole band of hands she'd slap away. 

And before she could stop herself, the question slipped out. "If it's not about feeling like being a problem... Why don't you ever let us in? Even when we offer to help?"

Luan wanted to protest but found it pointless to continue defending herself. Luna asked for the truth. She was gonna give it. 

Her tired eyes glazed over to the carpet. It wasn't a secret. It wasn't something they knew either. 

"Let's be honest, " She looked at Luna knowingly. "You guys can't reach my standards either."

Jesus, with the load she was getting, she was still on here for the standards? Luna scoffed, wiping a hand down her face. How ambitious was she? "You're burning out faster than a racecar engine. Standards shouldn't be a problem anymore!"

Luan stared at her deadpan, the fatigue of all this tugging at her rapidly. Let her hold the torch for now. 

The golden glow of the lamp painted a heavy picture; expressing the shell of what Luan used to be. And with worry, came frustration. Luan was stubborn when she wanted to be. It'd be the death of her one day.

"Oh, come on, you know I'm right." Luna pressed her back against the wall and crossing her arms. "If your classmates are downright lackin' in the brains, we aren't! It's not superb, but we can do way better jobs that they can!"

Luan frowned, glazing over and nodding, pretending to listen. After the last time Lisa wrote my report for me, I don't think so. I'd rather interact with it directly.

"Promise me this, dude." Luna reached out, pulling at her chin so they'd lock eyes. Her face was soft, yet commanding. "Next time, you tell me if the projects are overwhelming ya. I'll look into it and help you out. Okay?"

Luan's eyes widened. Wha...? Did she just...?

"Seriously?" Luna nodded firmly, and Luan wanted to scoff. You can't even... Not half-do your homework!

Luna sensed that disbelief in Luan's stare, but her expression never faltered. She was dead serious. "Believe me, dude, If it matters, you know I'd cross a burning bridge to get there." Luna slowly dropped her hand, still leaning close. "Leni wants to help, but we both know she nearly flunked way back sophomore year, and Lori's outta town. But I know my way around these subjects. All the projects they give you, I've been through 'em too."

Luan blinked as Luna leaned back, eyeing her expectantly. "So, let me help. Because if you keep all of this to yourself, I don't wanna know what's gonna happen to you."

Still taken aback by the sudden offer, and mildly dizzy from exhaustion, Luan could only nod. "O-okay... I'll try." I won't.

Luna wasn't entirely convinced. "This isn't a request, by the way." She couldn't help a wry smile. "It's a command."

Luan rolled her eyes. "Yeah, yeah. Way to go, Lori."

Silence floated through  the air once more. It wasn't noticeable in Luan's appearance, but she felt it during their brief embrace. She was still worried, but everything wrong couldn't just be squeezed in one heart-to-heart. Luna left it in the back burner for now."

She glanced at the nightstand clock, her heart skipping. Two already?

"I'm off to bed." Luna shifted out of the bunk, feeling an icy pang in her chest. It didn't feel right to just leave after all this. To end it just like this. There was a niggling part of her wanting more. A deeper talk, maybe even some exchange of long-overdue affection, because if it wasn't a serenade, then it was a warm embrace. That's how she showed her love, but Luan wasn't a fan of it, and Luna couldn't blame her.

She held the rung of her ladder; biting the inside of her cheek before reluctantly speaking again. "Remember the promise, dude." Luan turned to her. "I know it's not you to wanna talk about your problems, but—"

"I know." Luan quickly interrupted; her stomach queasy from the sap.

Luna chuckled, shaking her head. "Just…just take this as a lesson. I got my doors open anytime you need something; just… knock around, and… talk to me, alright? I'll show you I'm good at this academic stuff too." Luan avoided her gaze but nodded in response. "And if you're triggered by a bad report again, yell, bite back at me if you need to. It's better than destroying something then regretting it."

Luan grimaced, remembering Mr. C."Yeah."She turned to her sister with a closed smile. "Thanks."

She pointed a finger gun at her in approval, before glancing at the clock on the nightstand. One already? "Well, g'night, sis." Luna shot her one last smile, before climbing up her bunk.

"Night too." And with a few shifts below her, the room switched to pitch black.

Yeah… so that was it. Luna thought. What was she expecting, huh?

She slipped under the comforter, before turning to face the darkness where her wall was. As Luan's soft snores filled the room, the sting of guilt returned. This same girl was the most optimistic force the world's ever got, but even she wasn't immune to falling down the abyss. Her breakdown was just proof of what she couldn't share with the world, with her sister. Her roommate. To know that she felt inadequate all this time, and chose to shut it out made her question: How reliable am I as a big sis? As your big sis?

All those days she shrugged it off and told her sibs to do the same hit her with a tidal wave. I couldn't… she blinked profusely as tears clouded her eyes.

She dwelled over everything Luan said, and her heart sank. Not even the warm blanket could cover this. She had misunderstood this whole time. None of it was Luan's fault. All she wanted to do was excel, and there was nothing wrong with being ambitious… until said ambition was used against you. How could Luan just slap a stronger work ethic, and a sprinkle of time management when her enemies weren't of her own, rather it was the teachers who had driven her to the edge of her sanity. She's merely a victim of her past wrongdoings and the present circumstance.

No, Luna wasn't gonna let her fight alone. Not anymore. She tucked her hand under the pillow, finding firm support beneath the feathers, a reminder that through the soft support of care, she still had to knock some sense into her sooner or later. Because in the grand scheme of things, she was saying hello to goodbye—rushing the flow of time and life, all for a buncha papers, ranks, that won't even matter in due time.

And if that meant she had to force Luan to drop this gig, even if it hurt, even if it meant she had to fail like she thought she would, then so be it. What good would success do when your body gives out in turn for it?

She closed her heavy eyes and drifted off to sleep. By the morning, she hoped that tonight wouldn't fade into a forgotten memory, all with the hope that this heart-to-heart wouldn't just become a thing of the past.

Chapter Text

Over the course of several weeks since my recognition, we had begun our official theater rehearsals. For the next two weeks, I had been excused from classes through the letter Mrs. Bernardo authorized, and in your case, signed.

"I am dismayed!" Mrs. Bernardo gasped dramatically. "Luan Loud, known comedian and theater star, you're acting like a shell of your former self! Come on, where's the energy? The vivacity!?"

She fought the urge to shrug, or to at least snicker wryly. I'm looking for that too.

Luan crossed her ankle over her knee, ignoring the blunt insult Mrs. Bernardo threw her. The play had just wrapped up. They'd all finished their scenes, spoken their lines at least once, and were close to mastering the first half of the 7-minute drama. Yep, the thespians were fast learners.

She looked down, scanning her script blankly. Lately, all her mind consisted of were of what was, and why it couldn't be what is. A frustrated furrow came to her brows as she scanned through the same page over and over. The more she read it, the more it sucked. The more she heard it delivered, the worse it got. No offense to Amy; it wasn't her acting, it was the dialogue itself… The lines just… didn't click. Not like they usually would, had she written this a year ago. It sounded wrong but why? And this plot—the twist wasn't twisting well enough. Luan huffed. Why? Why wasn't all this clicking? They said it was smooth, but why did it still feel so unnatural!?

"Hey, Luan," Benny popped by her side, his voice unusually monotone. "How'sa going with life? Oh wait… we're alive?"

She snorted mirthlessly. "Who hurt you this time?"

He slumped and broke the facade. "Nah, I was just playing. I've noticed you've taken up a new schtick lately."

"I…I have?" Luan blinked. She hadn't done comedy in weeks. In what felt like forever.

Benny laughed amusedly. "Ha! There it is; I didn't mean schtick—I meant character. Let me guess, this is…disoriented, burnt-out academic student?"

What others didn't know (that ended up sleeping out anyway because Luan couldn't contain herself) is that their shared little inside joke—or challenge, whatever it counts to be. Benny and her would act in certain ways, while the other guessed what it was. It was random, and they did this as a way to—quote Benny, 'improve their improves.'

Luan looked up at him with a mischievous smirk. "Close, but not quite."

"Hm," He stared into the wall. "Hint?"

"This character just can't find spark in what she does anymore," She said, her tongue nearly slipping to spill. "No matter what she does, she doesn't find the good in anything. And… she also kinda just… floats through life now. Detached from herself."

"Oh, so it's a disoriented, depressed, burnt-out kid?" He chuckled naively, looking at her with admiration. "Because if it is, wow—you're really nailing the part."

Her smile faded. "D.S.Y.D."

Shot for 'Don't suspend your disbelief.' That was their code phrase for… I'm serious. Just in case they got too far and confused each other's acts for something real, or vice versa.

Benny's face shifted into resignation. "I knew."

Taking a deep breath, Luan scanned the rest of the stage. Some of the thespians were still in, scripts in hand, rehearsing their lines, the others were by the seats eating snacks. Mrs. Bernardo somehow vanished, again.

Nobody was near the backstage, barely behind the curtain. Near them.

"Sit down." She gestured to him, glancing at Mrs. Bernardo's empty seat across hers.

He did, still having a lingering sense of hope in his eyes. "I was really hoping you were just acting it out." He stammered before his look shifted into realization. "It's because of leading all the group projects, isn't it? And… And now this too. You're putting too much pressure on yourself."

A chill shuddered up her cheeks. With a grave glance at him, she nodded. Benny was one of the only few she could trust, she could really open up without a second thought of what he'd say or do, as they've both made it clear from the start. Like all lovesick teens out there; their hearts gushed out regardless of what they did, wore, looked like, and felt.

So, with bated breath, she started. "I'm fine with this one, though. What you love can't burn you out." First alibi in the story. She hadn't even begun. "But yeah… I wasn't faking this, Benny. None of it. And… I kind of lied."

"About what?"

Luan rested the script on her lap, fiddling with one of its corners. "Mr. Coconuts… he didn't get run over; I broke him myself."

He had contempt in his eyes but tried not to show. It was only just. She tangled her fingers together, playing with her thumbs, hating how apologetic she was gonna sound. "I know Mrs. Appleblossom was lonely lately and—"

"No, no, it's okay. That doesn't matter as much as you do." Benny interrupted her, unsure of what to say next. How else do you comfort your girlfriend when they confess that they're depressed? In the middle of a room with so many other people?

He still remembered when Luan pushed him away after that bad report with Mr. Fern. How angry she'd become. That wasn't like her to be so resentful at all, and yes, she apologized and so did he, that hatchet was buried already. Yet he couldn't help but… feel like he was a part of this madness she was spiraling into right now.

"This would be easier in private," He sighed in resignation. "Look, Luan, I know we haven't hung around a lot lately, with me being in the hospital and you with all the work but…"

"This is the part you tell me you're here for me, is it?" Luan cut him off, sending him a small, playful smirk. "You're so predictable, Benny."

He got a brief chuckle from that. "Hey, just because it's cliché, it doesn't mean any less." Benny smiled, before turning serious. Luan was headstrong, never one to let emotions eat her up if she even let them in. "Just send me a text. Even if I don't always reply, I'm always here to give you an ear."

A small smile tugged at Luan's lips. It wasn't flash news. She knew she had an entire support system behind her back, yet this battle was something only she could go solo for.

She pinched the bridge of her nose with a tired sigh. "The projects are getting way out of hand." She'd muttered the tagline again, the words coming out just as aggressively as before. Even now that she's surrendered. Even now her mind was on one track heading straight to the end goal: winning this play.

Though, the thought gnawed at the back of her mind. Second place would be better than first.

I eventually came back to class following the Festival of Talents event. The awarding wouldn't come until Tuesday.

That day, February 5, we had a report in physics that I was not informed of, nor was I exempted from. Thankfully, I had managed to pull out an improv and came out successful.

However, I was unfortunate with Miss Dublin the next day.

"Let me ask you again," Mss. Dublin growled. "Did you, or did you not receive a notebook to check?"

The class stared at this kid two seats behind her. It was something so simple.

Luan nonchalantly scanned the notebook in her hand. One single spark shouldn't be enough to backfire.

Wow, Brent's got some bad handwriting.

"I didn't receive anything, ma'am," She heard Shane's voice tremble in fear behind her. "So, me and Nathan just checked one notebook. Trixie's."

From what little she could pick up, they found a notebook from the desk behind hers, and it belonged to another Trixie, who sat in the column beside theirs. Luan covered her face with the notebook, fighting the upward twitch on the tips of her lips. Drama… she mentally hollered. Seeing Ms. Dublin throw out all sense of professionalism out the window over this, is ridiculous.

"Who was it then!?" All of them visibly flinched as Ms. Dublin snapped. Whoa, geez, someone's probably going through their cycle, huh? "I asked you if you received the notebook, and you said no! Why did you say no!?"

"I didn't receive anything, miss, I-I swear."

Luan snorted quietly. Lol. Lie detector's blaring sirens. Wee-woo, wee-woo! Call the po-po!

"Then you, the kid who sits behind Loud!" Luan's heart jumped through a hurdle; oh, thank goodness, it's not me. Ms. Dublin glared at her, she moved over sheepishly. "You're the kid who had the notebook, what's your name?"

"...Yorkensen. Brian Yorkensen." He mumbled timidly.

Now she's pointing names now? Luan but back the urge to groan, tracing outlines in her blank desk. What's the point?

"Uh-huh." Ms. Dublin scrolled through her laptop and the class record in it. "Why didn't you pass the notebook back, huh!?"

Luan bounced her knee rapidly. This was getting old. Get over it, woman. I wanna go home.

"I didn't… I didn't even notice it here…! I didn't know until Trixie pointed it out!" Yorkensen claimed frantically.

Then suddenly, all eyes were on her. What?

"Then you did this!" Ms. Dublin's roar rocked the closed room. All color drained from her face; me? I didn't do slack!

"What?" She furrowed her eyebrows, glancing at her classmates, either uncaring or skeptical. "I-I didn't do anything!"

"You were the last person to pass the notebooks back, and you left it on Yorkensen's seat without giving him a warning!" Ms. Dublin's voice shook the walls. She shrunk back into her seat, coming down from confusion as it settled in. Oh. Oh. "You were the one who acted irresponsibly! Talk about being a play director!"

She felt two inches tall, a light tingle in her cheeks creeping in. So…? What's the big deal? I made a mistake! She thought. And?

Her lack of response made Ms. Dublin growl, and she slammed her hand on the table, before clicking something on her document. "You're getting an automatic zero on this activity. No buts, no ifs."

And history repeats.

She couldn't ignore the sinking in her chest at that. But fine. Luan wanted to laugh bitterly. No, she wanted to cackle. The jokes on you, miss; I've seen this all before. This doesn't bother me anymore.

Even if that activity involved her copying ten pages of a test, then answer it, only for it to fall just because.

"You could've just told the truth!" She heard Brent murmur somewhere behind her, presumably to Shane. "Now, Loud's failing because of you!"

She turned around to find just that. Her gaze met Shane's before he turned away. "Guys, it's fine." She whispered to them, her heartbeat steadying. "It's not like I care."

Luan shifted back to the front as they started checking the activity, her pen tip unconsciously dipping against the notebook a little too hard. One slash for a check, rip. Ooh, she grimaced, relaxing a little. Gotta tone it down. I'm not even mad.

She unclenched her jaw and felt her heart slow. I'm not mad. Just a little bothered. Anyway, Ms. Dublin already hated her guts, what else was there left to lose?

Arts came by quickly. Same teacher. Still Mr. Fernandez. Luan was sat in a circle of desks siding hers; a bunch of groupmates for this project they had, apparently. Another one.

Their voices were fuzzy as her mind drifted. She wasn't a history geek, but she was sort of an activist. Hearing about society in this day and age, she found that just as good as comedy; convenient, even, when writing theater plays. And arts? Arts is cool too. Theater's part of it, after all.

"So, we had to make a play," Whitney handed her a script. They may have been rivals… technically, but with her in the group, Luan knew it was gonna be in good hands.

"Did you guys come up with anything?" Luan had to make sure.

Whitney paused and nodded, gesturing to the paper in Luan's hands. "Yeah. This was handed over two weeks ago. That's the script." Luan flipped through the stapled pages. Three of them. "We had to take an artist and make a play about what would happen if they lived in this day and age. Pretty cool, huh?"

She narrowed her eyes, scanning the script, before letting up. Oh, thank goodness. It was at least decent. "Yeah… it is." Luan nodded slowly in approval, feeling a wave of relief wash over her. Then again, two weeks?

Your standards had to be so shallow if you're really glad they at least took the initiative.

Luan heard the ghost of Mr. Coconuts whisper.

Yeah, but what are the odds? Had Whitney not been around, it would've all been her all over again.

"So…" Whitney leaned in, and she could instantly sense something up. A favor tingling beneath the surface.

Luan hummed absently. "You said something?"

"I don't know how to lead these animals…" Whitney snickered, gesturing to their group mates. "And we barely got anything done because they just don't listen…you're an amazing director, so could you maybe…?"

Luan sighed in resignation. Eh, for the group. Last battle cry, maybe. "How far had you practiced?"

"Act 1?" Whitney grinned sheepishly.

There were five acts to this.

Luan felt her bones nearly give way and melt. "I'm on it."

And so she caught their attention in seconds. Practice with her didn't take long. It turns out they already memorized their lines, the sequence was the only problem.

Yeah. That shouldn't be a problem.

Skipping to a few minutes later, Luan cleared her throat and put her script down. "From the top."

Everything was already going smoothly. A few rough edges with the timing and all that's especially in Act 3 where Van Gogh realizes his art wouldn't sell—but nothing to worry about.

She turned back to Whitney. "When 's this gonna be performed again?"

"Tomorrow." She choked on her breath.

"Tomorrow?" Whitney gave her a sure nod.

She already had the costumes prepared, everything was set. Things were gonna be alright.

Besides… Mr. Fernandez was a long coach too. Cartooning and animation. A knowing smirk tugged at her lips. There was no way this would be performed tomorrow. All of them had to attend the awarding by then.

Amidst the murmuring of other groups practicing their own plays, Mr. Fernandez voice chimed in. "Loud!" He called her attention from the back where he stood. The whole room quieted down. "What's that your practicing?"

She held the paper up with a dismissive wave. "The script, sir, why?"

He approached their circle and took one copy from his hands. "I didn't approve of this." Mr. Fernandez scrutinized.

Wait, it had to get approved?

"Well, why don't you just approve it now?" A jock in their group, Darren dryly asked.

Luan flickered her eyes to Whitney, then to Mr. Fern. Why didn't they just do that sooner?

"I could," He scanned the pages, before clicking his tongue. "But this is not what I want. I specifically said it needs at least a hundred dialogues. This doesn't look beyond forty."

He returned the paper to a redhead groupmate as the rest of them eyed her. Why me? No, he's expecting me to do this again, is he? "It also has to follow the elements of theater. I'm sure you know about that already, Loud."

She looked through her script again. The acts were disorganized. The arcs were jumbled and confusing. Sure. Maybe I can work with this. "Okay."

"What else does this play need? Ah, yes more research." He remarked. "When did Van Gogh decide to cut his ear off? What year did it happen? How did it happen?"

They all looked at each other blankly, and somehow it felt like a personal attack on her knowledge. She wasn't supposed to know this, she wasn't in the discussion. "Uh…"

He shook his head, walking away in disapproval.

The whole group was silent.

Whitney cleared her throat. "I can always rewrite it tonight—"

"No, no, it's fine." She said without thinking. I'm the expert. Theater's my thing. This will be a piece of cake. "I'll do it. Just to be sure. I'll update you guys tomorrow."

They all eyed her with pity until Darren broke the ice. "So, you're saying we don't have to practice right now?"

And that's all they ever cared about. Avoiding the job. Not like they can offer much brainstorming anyway. Luan scoffed. "Go ahead. Slack off."

Chapter Text

It was unfair what power her classmates had on her.

All under the guise of heading the group too.

"Get ready to ruuuuumble!" Principal Huggins yelled, and she tried to be excited, she wanted to be, but—

Luan, where's the script?

What're we Gon wear tmrw?

She growled, navigating through her settings.

Applications Messages.

Mute.

Luan shut her phone off and snuggled it into the pocket of her backpack. Life was good for once.

Winter wasn't as packing and aggressive as it was on other days, suppose it was fate foreshadowing some hope for her. Her sigh was a wisp of fog floating through the air, and she shoved her phone into the pocket of their school jacket, made special for this event. A wool hoodie—maroon with the initials 'RWHS' embedded in front with gold. Through the puffy lumps of snow covering the grass, their football field roared with good cheer as hundreds of districts amongst Royal Woods decorated the bleachers. Blue and yellow, silver and purple, so many colors. So many different uniforms. So many people all at once. She sighed ecstatically. For someone who's lived with more than a dozen all her life, you'd think this was a sight she was used to.

But these were a bunch of strangers, all in different districts. How cool was that? To just be exposed to so many people at once!

Butterflies fluttered in her stomach. And if they managed to win and make it to the regionals, even better.

All participants for the Royal Woods' Festival of Talents were up and seated across the field bleachers. Cheerleaders were dawning the Burpin' Burger colors, performing a strikingly similar routine to the ones they did in normal games, special guests like the head of the State's department of education himself, his secretaries—people she didn't care to know about. For a moment, she just sat there, listening to the thespians chatter and talk behind her. Felt Benny brush his hand against hers, and that's when she snapped out, met his gaze… With a small flush creeping on his face.

"You're blushing." She teased him.

"Hey, I'm just nervous." Benny turned away, his curly hair bouncing perkily as he did. "This is the day. Win or lose."

"Take it or leave it." Luan continued. "We did more than well, though. Sure, I don't know how these things work and how good the others are either," because it's a play for only four— "But think positive! If we just believe hard enough, it might just happen!"

"Or if we joke about it," Benny had a playful glint in his eyes. "Call it karma. Good karma."

She giggled, simply basking in the warmth of his hand. She was here, right now. Not anywhere else. Screw what her group mates thought. "That could work."

The minutes turned into an hour as they announced the winners and their categories. All ten categories. And that was for the individual contests.

Not that Luan cared. She was caught up in the flood, talking and giggling while she and the thespians recalled their feelings arising while waiting. Parvana joked about how during the play, she could've sworn she saw one judge shoot another with an approving look. Rex agreed and cockily swore that 'yes, they love us. We're gonna win this thing.'

"And it's all gonna be thanks to the best director this club could ever ask for!" Amy gushed, nudging Luan's arm.

They all agreed, and all she could do was giggle awkwardly. "Awe, you guys!" Luan scoffed sheepishly, waving them a dismissive hand. She wasn't into clichès and sap. They all knew they played a part in this too. Save the mush for when they were declared whatever.

"Now, onto the group categories! Cheryl has the mic!" Principal Huggins roared and they all shrieked in anticipation. Luan felt her feet drop cold. This is it. This is gonna be it.

Was she nervous? Well, maybe? But whatever, their performance was amazing, and she followed every single little thing written in the rubrics, making them practice to perfection—choreography, singing, lyrics, plot, plot twist—everything!

"Thank you, Mr. Huggins." Cheryl cleared her throat. "Starting with… the music division!"

The thespians deflated but Luan grinned, knowing whose time it was to shine.

Or in this case, rock!

She peered over to the other side of the bleachers, where from top to bottom were shades of different colors. Her gaze landed on the group wearing maroon, and from the distance, made out a distinct, brunette pixie cheering amongst her band.

Nice.

Bzzz…! Bzzz! Bzzz!

The harsh vibration in her pockets snapped her out of the clouding shrieks, the announcement of the winners. Her smile morphed into an annoyed scowl. Who was it this time? Mom? Dad? Checking up to see if they'd won? Leni?

She pulled her phone out and oh—wait… how did Whitney get her number…?

Luan ended the call in a heartbeat, rushing to text her. "Bz."

"...Fifth place!" She heard Cheryl scream. "Detroit's very own, 'Flying to the Sun!"

Great. I still have time. Luan thought as her eyes hovered over the brief text Whitney sent her before calling. She got the number from the school board, which had not only their numbers, but their parents' numbers listed down.

That sounded like a breach of privacy…

"I know you are," Whitney replied. "But I'm just checking in. All of our group mates are bombarding me with questions. Where's the script? Costumes? Everything?"

She gritted her teeth. Should she just ignore this—

"Fourth place!"

No, no. They deserved an explanation. Even if it was a brief one. "Look. I'm not in a place I should talk rn. Tell them not to worry about it." They would nonetheless. It was tomorrow already, and… and…

"Third!"

Luan's knee bounced frantically. Grgh! They were gonna flop tomorrow if she didn't get this done, but who cares!? Who cares now!? "I'll update later 2nite."

"Ok."

She huffed out a foggy dust of air, before reclining back to the rigid bleachers, warm phone on her stiff hand. Now she could relax a little… screw that script. Let 'em wait.

On stage, enormous boards marked the spots where each winner stood. Detroit glimmered in silver for fifth; Wyoming followed in purple for fourth; Flint in green for 3rd…

No sign of them yet.

Second wasn't them either. Her stomach churned into knots. Luan wasn't as much of a rock fan as the next guy, but she knew The Moon Goats were quite the dozy for their age. The next-gen Wink182, or Paramour if you will. Luna dominated in the Battle of the Bands last year, broke news after her epic show in America's Next Big Hitmaker, was featured on TV for an exclusive by Mulligan, and got herself recruited for a professional band, all at sixteen!

This was just another concert to her. Another one she'd be rooting for all the way.

"This is the last, but it is the first!" The crowd laughed at Huggins' joke. Dad would burst into tears with that one! "Contestants number 13—" They could all hear shrieks building like tsunami waves. Luan's heart skipped and she peered at Luna again—their whole band stood up jumping in joy. A tingle burst up her spine and spread to her cheeks.

Yep, it's them! "May I call on the champions of collaborative song composition and presentation, this young and astounding rock band from the very host, Royal Woods, 'The Moon Goats!"

The bleachers roared with renewed vigor. The thespians cheered along with her, and she skipped around, yelling with her hands on her mouth; "That's my sister! You go, Lunes!" like it was she who went up on stage.

They climbed up on stage, received medals and plaques each, and a huge trophy. She couldn't help but feel a little bug in her belly, and envy was back. Luan kept her grin anyway, punching the air at victory claiming its first Loud. It's as she expected, after all.

It was fast, then suddenly it was their category.

Her butt was literally on the edge of the seat. Her knee bounced and she and the thespians, Mrs. Bernardo exchanged looks of anticipation. This was it. This was it. Luan felt her hands through the gloves. It was cold. Tingling. Numb. Who's it gonna be?

"Fifth place!" Cheryl leaned to the crowd, and opened her mouth, before pulling back to laugh. "Seriously, who!?"

The crowds screamed, "Us! Us! Us!", their yells drowned by the blare of the background music. They gave it their all anyway, like letting the air hear would gravitate fate to their favor.

It was like a prank trap just waiting to unwrap. Each moment built up to now like the gift ripping itself, only to have another layer beneath it. They did well. They did more than well. Luan leaned forward to see the stage clearly, grinning tightly as they all murmured. We can do this.

Fifth turned to fourth. Fourth turned to third. Her hope only diminished with each passing name. With each team that climbed on stage. It was either second… or first.

Luan wasn't superstitious, but she crossed her fingers; and tucked her arm behind her back. Keep it cool, Luan, keep it cool. Fate likes those who don't do desperate.

Dang it, Mr. C.

"Royal Wooooods High!" Luan shot in her seat. Was this a dream? What?

From behind her, Mrs. Bernardo shifted and hopped to the ground, and knew. No. This was real.

She squealed, jumped along with the rest of them, and ran to the stage. Cold air kissed her face, slipping through her silly grin. We did it! We did it!

Out of all active 50 school participants, they were second. Second-best but still part of the top-five-best!

She grunted as she stepped onto the stairs, the snow surrounding her step heavy. The echoes of shrieking, and clapping brought an electrifying tingle through her spine and cheeks. Mayor Davis hung their medals on her arm, grasping one in her hands— a maroon sash over a silver plate. "Get in line," She gestured.

And they did as the music played and the people watched. She'd never been in a crowd this big, applauded, under the spotlight of the winter sun. All medals in, she was pulled into a suffocating group hug. Luan barely caught a glimpse of Mrs. Bernardo wiping her tears, a glimmering plaque in her hand; caught a glimpse of the neighboring winners and exchanged with them a beam.

The highlight of high school, indeed.

Mrs. Bernardo gave them a speech dripping with sap, a thank you for their hard work and their determination— though cliche, it didn't demean her sincerity.

They took an organized photo together as a club, courtesy of a random kid they called out. When it was over and some of the thespians separated ways, Mrs. Bernardo spoke to the remaining members, including her and Benny. "If you don't mind, Luan, I'll be keeping this plaque for the time being."

Luan smiled, glancing at Benny who wore utmost support. Her heart was swelling with each beat, and it showed in her voice. "No problem, Mrs. B! This is your credit, after all. Wouldn't be here without you!"

"Aw, spare me the flattery," She dismissively waved, a sheepish grin spread over her cheeks. "It's not because I wanna keep it. I'm giving it to Principal Rivers, along with our club picture."

Oh? "For what?" Benny asked.

"For our school trophy case, of course!" Mrs. Bernardo said incredulously. "This is the biggest achievement we've earned as a club," She patted Luan's head. "And I'll make sure your legacy lives along with it."

Her eyes widened. Whoa… me? Us? In the school's trophy case? For years and generations to come? "Really?"

Mrs. Bernardo nodded earnestly. "Really."

Benny nudged her arm playfully. "That's my director."

Her stunned look morphed into a small smile that grew into a wide grin. She fought the urge to recklessly pull her into a hug, or Benny a kiss. Instead, she stood there holding her mentor's smile, hoping that'd be enough to show her how much this meant to her. "Thanks, Mrs. B."

Mrs. Bernardo nodded. "You kids go have your fun; or should I say, Romeo and Juliet?

They both glanced at each other, exchanging sheepish grins, before parting ways with her. Lost in the tangle of parents, students, coaches and their spouses.

Her chest fluttered like a glimmer in the stars when soft lips pressed briefly onto her cheek. She turned to look at Benny, his eyes proud and his smile cheeky. He shrugged innocently, eyeing her with a knowing look. That was enough of a congrats, she could hear him telepathically.

"What was that for?" She asked anyway.

"Oh, you know," Benny shrugged with a knowing grin. "Just a gesture of appreciation?"

Amidst the people that covered them, she pulled him by the collar and kissed him on the lips. She felt him jolt, but God forbid he pull away. Luan knew it must've been a fraction of a minute when they did it. Yet his warmth, the feel of his lips, the thumping of her heart, and the tingles in her arms and legs were so… vivid. Too vivid to just be less than thirty seconds.

The visible puffs of her breath mingled with his, and she instinctively wet her lips, almost tasting his on them. This one was much longer than their first. More tender than their second. In its way, a little more rewarding… just a tinsy bit more calming.

"You could've just gone straight for that." Luan chided, her hand slowly loosening on his collar.

For a second, Benny forgot how to breathe, and when she spoke, he blinked out of his trance. "Y-yeah…" He sputtered, a lovestruck smile growing on his flushed face. "N-next time."

"I'll keep count." Luan giggled, and for the first time in weeks, a flutter rewarded her heart. She looked behind him, watching the people pass by…

Her blood iced over.

Luna stood from afar, arms and smirk worn. Oh no, Luan sharply inhaled. How much did she see?

Benny looked away before catching her eyes. "My mom's here. Welp, I gotta go." He said.

"So's my sister." Luan eyed Luna and the rocker winked. Oh, she better not tell anybody else! "Bye Benny!"

Benny waved at her as he rushed across the field, her eyes magnetically following him until the crowd carried them away. Today had lots of firsts. First—well, maybe not first, it was their third, but still—first time a kiss had ever felt… so natural. Luan shoved her hands into her sweater's pockets. She looked down, saw the medal shimmering, and grinned. First medal she'd won over theater. Wow.

Luan reluctantly walked over to her waiting older sister, whose smirk grew wider to her chagrin. And the first time one of her siblings got to witness such an interaction with Benny.

Not counting their act. They thought it was all a play.

"What?" Luan grumbled, yet her words carried no grit. Instead, a small smile crept up on her face, the longer she looked at Luna's.

Luna uncrossed her arms and pulled her into a half-hug, catching her off guard for a second. Upon pulling back, that's when she noticed the proud glimmer of her golden medal.

The snow crunched under their feet with each step they walked out of the field. "Was I supposed to see that?"

She scowled and scratched the back of her neck; somehow doing this broke Luna into laughter, and her face only tingled more. She wasn't turning into Lori! Never ever!

Only when her siblings weren't around—but besides the point! "You act like you and Sam don't eat faces when you're both up in our room—ow!"

Luna nudged her on the elbow a little too roughly, scolding her. "You're not making any sense."

"Nuh-uh! You don't get to make fun of me and not let me do the same!" Luan huffed with a forming grin, noticing the slightest pigment of pink on Luna's cheeks.

Luna shot her a dagger. "That's different." She muttered, shoving her hands into her sweater. "We're just two symphonies coming together like one passionate rock song!"

"Ewww!" Luan teased, feigning a gag.

"You'll get there one day sis, just you wait. All in the name of love." Luna bumped against her side playfully, causing her to lose balance. "Next up in the city, in few years, you're gonna be rockin' each other's —gah! Luan!"

Luan unclenched the clump of hair, ruffling it instead. On the street beyond the fence, Vanzilla sat with the windows open. The twins, Lynn, Lincoln, and Leni's heads popped out. "What? I've seen Sam do this to you," She sang-sung. "And you like it~"

Luna growled irritably but shot her a playful smile. "I'm gonna break all your cameras later."

"Good luck with that." Luan encouraged; she wouldn't dare. And even if she did, good luck trying to unlock my safe. I can always buy some new ones.

Their siblings scanned their figures, and a second later, Lynn pulled out a confetti gun and shot it in the air. "Woo-hoo! More victory in the house!"

They both got pulled into the car and surprise, surprise! Mom and Dad we're home off early to celebrate! "We knew you'd win!" Dad bragged, nudging Mom's arm gloatingly. "I had Lisa scan the probability."

"You know I wasn't there, father," Lisa said, deadpan. "I merely stated that with this type of thing, it's a matter of the judge's subjectivity, and Science can only do so much to predict it. However, I did mention that with Luna's musical genius and Luan's knack for world-building, chances of entering the top five would be a close ninety-percent hit."

"See?"

"I don't see what the judges saw in us," Luna shrugged, leaning forward to rest her arms on the seat. "We were just rockin' to these Earthy songs—ya know, all the other contestants looked way cooler than us."

"Oh, don't be so down-to-earth, Luna! I swear, with your talent, you could rock the world with one riff! Get it?" Luan blurted out and she held back a gasp.

Did I just pun?

And in a rare moment of ethereal bliss, the van shook with laughter. She leaned back and smiled to herself. First pun in forever. Wow. Someone pinch me already!

"Who made it first, though?" Lola blurted out, referring to Luan. "Don't tell me it's Hazeltucky again!"

Lana and Lincoln shushed her, considering Luan's feelings about the subject. "Eh, what does it matter?" Luan scoffed nonchalantly. Being second didn't hurt her at all, even if Lola rubbed it on her face. She's a kid. She doesn't mean it. Or maybe she does, knowing her. "I think it was…" She tried reversing back to the stage… with no memory of it, she shrugged nonchalantly.

"That's okay, sweetie, you still did beyond your best. Maybe next year you'll end up in the state finals!" Mom reassured her from the front seat. "Anyways it's your first time!"

"I know, I know, mom." She groaned begrudgingly. Stop embarrassing me in front of them.

"I call dibs on eating pizza!" Lana yelled from the rear of the van.

"Oh, it may not be as glam as our last party—guess I went all in with that, heh—" Dad cleared his throat with renewed determination, his fists clutching the wheel tighter. "But whatever you kids want, we'll get it for tonight! To the performers of the Loud family!"

All their siblings looked at Luna and Luan and cheered.

Vanzilla sped through the near-empty road, wheels rushing in rapids to get the party started.

Luan saw her reflection in the foggy window, her thinking eyes betraying the dark bags underneath. For once, the weeks she spent on loan against herself was worth it. Her debt on time was finally paid off. With all this grandeur applause, attention, and eventually, fame…All for doing what came to her heart. Just playing around.

It was all she wanted and more.

All she could think now was… Best. Day. Ever.

Chapter Text

Not quite.

"Did Mr. Fernandez approve it yet?"

"Idk, ask Luan Loud."

"Luan" A group mate tagged. "Wya?"

Her stomach flipped over on itself. And that wasn't because of the pizza party.

Shoot. Shoot. Shoot.

She held a tight grin, laughing sheepishly to herself. The script.

Mr. Fernandez was at the awarding earlier, though. They saw each other. They even interacted. He said he was moving it to the day after tomorrow. Luan slouched against her bedframe, pulling the sleeves of her pajamas down. Relax, relax. Relax.

They could just… who was she kidding? She couldn't just have them practice on the morning of their performance!

Tomorrow… it was their only chance of getting the least bit rehearsals. And she hadn't even written anything yet!

She turned her phone off and rolled over until she faced the wall. Light from the window bleeding into their room, barely painting the dark with yellow. Luan buried her face into the pillow and groaned. Lisa could always…nah, she didn't dabble into theater play like that—and even if she asked, begged, willingly volunteered as her guinea pig—she was already asleep! "Creativity takes time, shishter." Grghhh.

Lincoln? Nah, he was a comic book specialist. Not a playwright!

Mom? No, busy.

And either way, if she even picked any of them, they were all under the same status: asleep.

She pushed her face out the cushion to breathe in a strangled gasp. Note to self, don't shove your face into a pillow for too long. Luan turned her phone on and squinted at the familiar adjustment her eyes had to make. The fun's over. Time to go back to suffering.

She opened her notes. Mr. Fernandez already to me them what he wanted… right. Artist. Life. More research. Scrolling through her drafts of plays and random thoughts, aha. Van Gogh went Go.

Luan snickered. Lol.

Better title than Whitney's.

The entire draft Whitney originally wrote was there. Now, all she needed to do was… to refine it. Weave more details, more scenes, more tangible scoops of his life into this 5-minute summary play.

It would only be five minutes, yeah, but take her the rest of her morning to write.

Disapproved.

Directly after the first draft she wrote, missing five hours of sleep that evening. "It needs more detail… blah, blah, blah, words I can't comprehend."

Luan wasn't dumb—no, far from it, but God, Mr. Fern had his way of words that just… Even Lisa or Luna or Lucy—master of mumbo-jumbo linggo would find his slang Chinese-level difficult.

It took her the whole night, yet again, but she managed to come up with the perfect solution. Lisa had made a website of her own, exclusive to her family—and honestly she felt super stupid for forgetting that existed this entire time.

Nobody used it yet but her. She asked about it in the dining table out of impulse. It was still under beta-testing (somehow the term itself rung bells in Lucy's head, why), and she couldn't promise it was completely accurate. All Lisa insisted on was that it was much more effective and factual than the lying, devil-in-a-sheep's-cloak that was ChatPPG. "Even the name sounds fishy." Lincoln once suspected.

So, the girl gave her the IP address after vowing not to snitch. 069.111.895, and boom. Magic. Welcome to the LoudAssistant.

It was like normal AI, with the addition of knowing them personally. Ask it any question about a Loud, you'd get an answer. She fiddled with it for a while, asking stuff like, "Why is Luan the best sister ever?", "Is Lori really lying about her flatulence?", "What kinda books does Lucy read?" And boy, no wonder why Lisa won't let them use this.

Hehe.

She inputted Mr. Fernandez text, all his instructions and her knowledge of the play put into the system, and in a few seconds. A full script was created. Oh. So that's what Mr. Fern meant by parliamentary procedure.

The gears began shifting in her head. She read the script, word for word. This was what Lori used to do during their meetings, too.

The bot changed the entire premise now. The only thing that remained true was… well, the artist himself. But even then, it went from Van Gogh to Duchamp. None of these really happened. Premise had Duchamp propose that his artwork—a toilet with his name marked on it (it's a real thing, look it up)—was to be put up in a museum. The setting involved one connoisseur—her—hosting a meeting with Duchamp and his supporters asking why he deserved that type of recognition, following the good ole' 'parliamentary procedure', aka, an ordinary sibling meeting in The Loud House.

Yeah, she can deal with this.

The next day, she told them they'd meet up at the back of the school, where it was quiet save for the few P.E kids deciding to get their early morning run-offs.

And so she sat by the bleachers as one groupmate arrived. Then two. Three. They chattered about while Luan stayed silent, reading her lines over and over again in agitated concentration. Come on, this isn't the first time you've played a character alien from you! Why can't you memorize this!?

Luan leaned back, ponytail barely brushing over the iconic acorn. Now all that was left were her group mates.

So far, 4 out of 7 were here. "Come on, come on…" Agitated, Luan messaged her group again.

"Again. We will NOT begin until you guys get your butts down here." She sent. "Chop! Chop! Nicholas, Jedd."

The morning was wasted on disappointing reruns of the lines. Mr. Fern approved it earlier at 4 AM. She sent it around 7 when she woke up and announced they'd meet here at 8. What else could see expect? It's not like everyone had her talent for improvising!

Barely an hour. Barely an hour before the bell rang.

Her set of classmates in homeroom were the same for arts, but it's not like their teacher would allow them to practice. "You should've done that sooner," with no room for exceptions.

Unfortunately for them, Mr. Fernandez slipped in with a small bargain from their teacher. With a cardboard cup in his hand, he began yapping.

"We'll have a raffle on which group has to perform," That was all Luan heard before her mind went on shutdown. What? Why? Why!? That wasn't fair, they could've just went with the traditional group 1 first, group 5 last thing!"

He scanned the front row and laid eyes upon the boy sitting directly in front of him. He lowered the cup down. "Pick a paper, kid."

He did. The room was quiet. "What is it?" Mr. Fern murmured, looking at the paper before pulling his head up. "Group Four! Who's group four around here?"

Four? Four?

"Anybody?"

Brent raised his hand. "Sir!"

"Who's your leader?" Mr. Fern asked.

She turned to Brent from across the room as he pointed at her. Dang it.

Luan dropped her head on the table, uncaring of those who saw her. She wasn't even participating in the group until two weeks after this was announced. But of course.

It's always me. It's never gonna be anyone but me.

I could always just… run out of here. Luan peered over to try the hallway outside. She felt sweat under the loose fit of mom's black blazer. Run. Just run. Run from it all.

"Oh, Mr. C… you'd be really useful right about now." She mumbled through gritted teeth, lifting a hand up to play-pretend it was him. That was the closest she could do.

"Of course, I'm here, doll! I'm a part of you, remember? Your mind is mine." Her hand said. "You're gonna wing it! Just pretend like I'm real and secretly judging you from the back like I'd always do!"

From the glassy plastic window, the familiar, short figure of Mr. Fernandez appeared. "Ah! He's coming! Quick—prepare the desks!" Luan demanded, pointing at her group mates.

They did as asked, and she walked to the corner of the room, where the windows were. The grass was covered by snow. It was January after all. And skies were grey unlike yesterday and just calm down, Luan! Calm down! You're never this nervous for a play! You're an expert at this! This is supposed to be your time to shine!

She blew warm gusts of air onto her gloved hands. As if it was the heater, or the sweat making her blood run cold.

The door creaked open and her classmates greeted him. Oh no. Luan's heart dropped. Oh no.

Run before they catch you.

She stayed put. Legs frozen. Hypothermia? Maybe. Can you get hypothermia from anxiety? Lisa?

When yesterday—What even happened yesterday? It felt like a blur. But today, no, time stretched on for an eternity. Mr. Fernandez already had his seat ready in the middle of the aisle. He already had their scripts in hand. And his… firm, dip-set eyes lit up in impatience. "Group four. Ready or not. Begin."

Luan reluctantly glanced at her classmates. One girl at the right had a phone recording. Okay, okay, just like in the Festival.

She gulped. Why did I choose to be the main character?

It started with her pounding the table three times.

Luan stood up.

"Evening, my finest ladies and gentlemen," her voice cracked. "I hereby call this meeting to order. The purpose of today's gathering… is to discuss the inclusion of Marcel Duchamp's artworks in our esteemed museum. Before we get started, may I ask my secretary to do a roll call, to ensure we have a quotum?"

Quorum. Quorum! She mumbled against her mistake, sitting down, making room for Whitney to stand. She stood up and in turn she sat down. "When I call your name, please raise your hand." She held a paper in her hands and mentioned all their real names. 'Kay… going well… going well.

Whitney finished. Luan nodded. "Thank you. With a quorum present, let's move on to the agenda." What was it again…? Ah! "The first item on the agenda is the discussion of" I would like to invite Mr. Duchamp to present the background and rationale for this proposal. Mr. Duchamp—along with his assistants, will present their case. Mr. Duchamp, you have the floor."

Brent stood up, his hands playing with the papers on his desk. She flashed between him and Mr. Fern's face. Stop fidgeting, dang it! "Thank you, ma'am. Esteemed members of the board, m-my work challenges notions of art. I believe that the museum could benefit from this fresh perspective. My assistants and me will present key pieces and their significance."

"Thank you, Mr. Duchamp. Before we open the floor for discussion, may I have a motion to officially consider this proposal? Assistants?"

Rivera raised his hand. "I move to officially consider Duchamp's idea—er, proposal."

Mr. Fernandez wrote something down. Luan wanted to face palm. Come on, come on, just like Lori. "The motion has been made and seconded. We will now open the floor for discussion...." She scanned the classmates that watched her, trying not to look obvious that she forgot her line. 

Oh yeah. She glanced towards her groupmates, siting on each side of her. "Please raise your hand if you wish to speak. Each speaker will be given five minutes to express their thoughts."

…

"What?" There was a mumble by her side.

What?

This was exactly what she was afraid of.

Luan glanced at the supposed next speaker, one of Duchamp's supporters— and gestured for her to speak. Speak up!

Wait a second. Was she… missing something?

The whole room closed in on her. Mr. Fernandez had a stiff, skeptical look on his face. All her classmates were confused. Her group mates were just as blank as her. She snapped her fingers as the entire script disintegrated from her head. What was she doing? Where were they now? What was going on? Her head was on the table, giving the impression that she was thinking—no, she wasn't. Far from it. Run. Run. Run!

"Where's the second to the motion?" Mr. Fernandez condescended.

A group mate raised her hand from the very left of their long, V-shaped table. "I second to the motion."

Luan blinked. Oh. Oh! There it was!

She cleared her throat. I'm blowing this! This isn't— "The motion has been made and seconded." And again we go. "We will now open the floor for discussion. Please raise your hand if you wish to speak. Each speaker will be given five minutes to express their thoughts."

Luan repeated, sounding a little more exasperated than the last time.

Since they didn't have the actual thing, her group mate pulled out a picture. "This is "Fountain," a piece where Duchamp used a urinal, signed it 'R. Mutt'... then presented it as art. It questions what art truly is and challenges the viewer's perception."

Museum Board Member kid 1 raised his hand. "Chairperson, may I ask a question?"

Luan nodded. "Go ahead."

He glanced back to Brent. "How does "Fountain" align with our museum's mission to educate and inspire?

Brent cleared his throat, but sweat glistened on his dark features. "Fountain' encourages critical thinking and reflection on art's role in society. It shows what qualifies as art, and pushes boundaries. Which aligns with the museum's mission."

It was only one artwork, unlike what the script promised. She had to cut it out for length, but whatever. Luan stood up, breathless and on the verge of collapse. "Thank you all for your input. Before we proceed to a vote, are there any additional points that need clarification or discussion?"

Pause. Everybody shook their heads.

She cast their votes. All in favor and not thereof.

"The motion passes unanimously. Congratulations, Mr. Duchamp. Your works will be a part of our museum's collection..." She stood up and everyone else followed. Thank God, it's all over. "This meeting is now adjourned."

The room clapped as they all bowed. Luan sat back on her chair, not bothering with the setup they had at the front. Ha ha ha. Applause galore. People clap at anything nowadays.

Even at massacres. Even at failures.

The world spun as she clutched her chest, turning breathless over the sound of her drumming heart.

Calm down. It's over. It's over. It's over.

She kept to herself the entire time, steadying the tsunami tides of her panic. She'd been nervous before, but God… never like this! What was that? What was going on with her!?

All four other groups performed, yet she sat in her seat, squandering about in her head, trying to figure out why it happened the way it did. Why did she ever have a mental block? That hadn't happened…in a year! And that was because of a heckler! She didn't have hecklers here! She didn't!

"For your scores," She heard him say. The room was a buzz for her. Her head was still reeling from the events… repeating what just happened? Over and over. Both the question and the event itself. That was a murder scene. On my dignity. On my pride. This is the director for the 2nd place in Theater play? For the district's FOT?

"I have to say," Everyone hushed at the sound of Mr. Fern's voice. "Class, remember, just because you're good at the subject, that doesn't mean you can throw away the projects they give you. You're good, then go ahead, prove it."

Her brows furrowed in contemplation. Was that a dig at her?

Mr. Fernandez stayed out in his seat, his actions conceited and disappointed. He was standing in front of the class now, arms crossed. Did he mention anybody? She didn't hear, but their eyes were on her. "Being a good leader means standing up for your group, not acting cocky like a certain someone just did. It's about taking initiative. Something that I haven't seen from this group."

It's not us, it's not us. There has to be a group just as bad.

He pulled a script out. "Loud." Her stomach hurt now. Just make it stop. "Who wrote this script?"

She didn't respond right away.

"Stand up."

Someone pushed her back and she stood up, her knees buckling underneath her weight. "M-me. Why?"

"I expected so much more." Mr. Fernandez clicked his tongue. "Honestly, I like the script—it's the best out of all five groups. It's unfortunate your performance put no justice into it."

She glanced at her group mates, twisting glares back at her. They don't have the rights to even react!

"In terms of punctuality, I'm rating this a five out of ten. You submitted this to me at two in the morning—and even then, it still had its mistakes. It's still lacking a certain factor." Mr. Fernandez yelled. It was all crumbling before her, the scores falling into flakes like half-made pastry. Like pies without the milk. "You forgot to add in a significant part of the rubrics—the parts of the parliamentary procedure. And for that, I'm not giving your group any points for this one. That's a waste of twenty."

Only, she poured in all of the ingredients she had. The same story she'd sent through every night, trying to bake up something good enough, only to find the measurements lacking upon getting a taste. Finding out that no matter how much sugar she added, it always turned sour. Bitter. Whatever it was!

"I didn't know!" Luan' s blood spiked. Why do I get blamed for this!? "My group mates never told me that was included, you never corrected me when I submitted the script for approval!"

"I approved the theme in itself, not the play." Mr. Fernandez retorted pointedly. He cleared his throat and glanced at his sheet. "Now… performance wise, 6 out of 10. Class, remember, stage fright does not discriminate. Its biggest conductor is being unprepared."

She glanced back at her group, found them scoffing. Almost like they blamed her?

The world isn't fair, yes she knew. But this? What was she to them? What was she to all of them!? Just some sorta doormat they could humiliate because she chose to laugh it off and never acknowledge it again!? Is that it!?

"Are you done with the humiliation-party?" Luan barked, and the room fell quiet.

Mr. Fernandez froze, slowly turning back to her. "Can you repeat that, Loud?"

Realizing what she just did, her face paled and she dropped down in her seat, ready to hide.

"No. Stand up." Mr. Fernandez' tone hardened. "Repeat what you just said."

The character slip, what about—screw that. Screw it all, actually!

"I said, are you done!?" Luan yelled, shooting up from her seat. "I'm done! I'm the only one who actually worked to save this group! This… This deadbeat group that I didn't even know I was added into because I was busy practicing for the fest!" Her group mates burnt betrayed glares at her. Screw them. "And all you have to say is that I'm the one who had no initiative!? I'm the one who's being an irresponsible leader!? Wow! The audacity!"

"Luan Loud!" Her ears rung as he slammed the desk, hard. Almost to the point of snapping the wood in two. "Sit down or I'm calling your parents!"

Sit down or I'm calling your parents, hahaha! "No! I'm out!" She huffed, grabbing her backpack and rushing out the room, ignoring the distant calls of her classmates behind her.

"Where are you going, Loud!?" He yelled and her heart lurched.

Don't hurt me. Her fists were clenched tight, sharp nails digging into her skin. Almost bleeding.

Out of pure spite, she went back to their room, punched the door open and found Mr. Fern rubbing his temples.

Her vision blackened at the edges; whoever said what she did, it wasn't her. It didn't feel like her. "Fuck you!"

And suddenly, she was off.

The whole world spun before her, knees buckled, legs numbed as she rushed down the empty corridor. Run. Run. Run. Someone might fetch you if you're not fast enough.

Chapter Text

I don't know what came over me at the moment. It was like balloon that was blown with more air, more pressure, it just kept pumping, and pumping and pumping, until pop. Just like that.

Gotta get out, gotta get out! Luan's eyes shifted left and right; a wall of lockers trapping her to the only gateway exit there was in that hall. The football field.

Her jogs turned into sprinting, sprinting turned to pumping; next thing she knew, she was out in the shivering cold, where sprinkles of snowflakes descended from the grey clouds. Standing under weather this cold would get her sick; who cares? Luan's boots crunched under three feet of powdered snow, her legs heavy as she dragged herself to the school's front. Wait a little longer… a few minutes. She shivered, gripping the straps of her backpack. School's out, I can go. I can go and hide somewhere. Run away, maybe?

She reached the entrance, dropping herself onto the first stair. It happened so fast. Luan pinched her chest, a futile attempt to hold her heart from bursting out. What the heck happened? What was that? Why was that?

'Fuck you!' And the words repeated ten-times over.

It was cold. It wasn't the snow this time. Luan felt her face, tingling against the fabric of her wool glove. I-I did that. Her shaky exhale came with a mist. I-I did that.

Creak—

She whipped her head to the entrance.

Nobody was there.

She wrung her hands together, each inhale rejected and forced out, only exacerbating the lazer-like tingle forming like a halo on her head. Breathe, breathe, breathe. Luan buckled over and , she formed a mouth with her hand and began voicing a familiar sound, although forced out and breathless. "Nobody can see you; nobody has to. Calm down, toots. You're spiraling—you're spiraling."

It didn't hit the same as when his eyes looked into hers. It didn't hit the same when it was just a fuschia glove reassuring her. But it did help a little… just as she pretended hard enough.

Just a little more…. Luan's breathing steadied on its own eventually. She pulled her bag near, afraid it'd freeze without her warmth. Her mind clouded itself with a new vision, one that… I might as well. I've come this far. What's the worst that can happen?

A rare little voice, Mr. Coconut's spirit lingered in her mind. Telling her to think of her choice, to rethink otherwise; his voice unusually serious and lacking the snark it had. "You destroyed me, you can't do that too!"

Her stomach churned, and her thought process was quickly cut by the piercing bell ring.

Would she…?

I do not condone my actions. What I did was wrong, and I apologize to Mr. Fernandez for the undignified behavior and disrespect I had exhibited. However, I would like to point out that I think the real issue here is with Mr. Fernandez' notorious knack for spitting baseless assumptions as such , and knocking below the belt to hit sore bruises.

"It's gonna be in the summer? Rockin'!" Luna grinned as she walked up the stairs. "Where'd you get the buzz?"

"I saw MDE's official Swiftypic page! They congratulated the winners and everything!" Sam responded through the phone. "Check it out!"

The second floor was brimming and full of life as all of them arrived home from school. After a hellish day of getting thrown everything she'd missed on for the Fest, all Luna wanted to do was pass out. "Eh, think I'll pass; too lazy to look through," She sighed tiredly, climbing up the last step. She walked into her room, adjacent as Luan walked in seconds prior. "Send me the link?"

"Sure."

Luna was greeted with her roommate hovering by the nightstand. She pushed the door close with her hip and as it clicked, Luan sharply twisted her head around, snarling. "Get out."

Her smile fell. Not again. She gripped her phone's bezels tightly. "I'll call ya later, babe." Luna muttered out, pressing the red button. The entire ride home, she hadn't spoken a word. Not that she wanted to pry again. Maybe she was just tired… and nope, she was prickly too.

And to think, just yesterday she was close to tears… over a good reason.

"What's with the attitude, dude?" She dropped herself on her beanbag casually, ignoring Luan's demand. A good talk will clear this out, for sure, she just needed to push her. "Bad day?"

They've roomed forever; Luan was an enigma she'd figured out a long time ago… until recent events proved a rocky contrary. One thing's for sure though, Luan couldn't mime when she was bothered. To her, biting a mental maelstrom would be like grasping air; either way, it'd still exude. She'd thunder with defensiveness, cackle too hard over a knock-knock joke, or flood you with the storm if you wrecked through her walls.

But no, Luan just brushed past her words, confusing her further. "Okay, Ms. Silent-Treatment, I get it." She sarcastically remarked, leaning back on her beanbag. Just a day you don't act like a grouse, just one day, is all I'm asking. "Thought we were done with this varsity mime stuff a long time ago."

The words hung in the air, and a thick tension settled in. Something bad was gonna happen, Luna's gut said. "Dude, turn around," She pushed. "What the heck's wrong with you?"

Luan shoved her nightstand drawer out to the point it nearly slipped out and fumbled around. She felt more unsettled than before. "Luan?"

A low growl slipped into her ears, and, God, it happened so fast. Luan grabbed her certificate from the drawer, and—

RIIIIIIP!

Luna practically jumped off her seat as she rushed to Luan, peering over her shoulder to witness her tearing the paper to shreds. With a horrified gasp, she did the only thing she knew. Quickly, she grabbed her wrists to keep her still. Again!? Seriously!?"Dude, stop!"

Luan thrashed under her hold, elbowing her on the stomach with a growl. "Let. Me. Go!"

Ignoring the dull throb in her belly, Luna tightened her grip. Luan was never this aggressive! "What the heck's gotten into you!?"

Luan thrashed against her, violently throwing kicks onto her shin. The weight from all this made Luna stumble, and twist, all with arms still around her. Her hip hit the edge of and the lamp toppled over, their photo frames landing harshly with a crack. Luna uttered a mix of a growl and a hiss, but she didn't let up. Couldn't dare. "Stop flailing! You're acting like an animal!"

Her grip on Luan was tight as she kept her as still as possible, and it was then Luan caught a glimpse of the door, saw her stunned siblings staring; realized everything was going wrong. She was embarrassed all over again, and Luna still had her pinned trying to stop her from breaking her certificate and—

Oof!

Luan shot her an elbow to the gut, but her grip only tightened further. Couldn't she see? Just how they were all looking? Just how embarrassing this all was!? She had to go. The door, they blocked it. The window? No! The bed? They'll still be able to see her!

"Just let me go!" She demanded, grunting as she tried to elbow her again. With every raspy wheeze, her lungs would reject and her diaphragm ached. She was choking. Suffocating. Luna wanted a show. She wanted to do this. She wanted to get her embarrassed.

The room spun, it was tight. Can't breathe, can't breathe, can't breathe!

Luna knitted her brows, a swirl of confusion, frustration, anger raging in her mind. "Why should I, huh?! You're acting like a freakin' maniac!"

Maybe she was, but either way, she had to get out. She had to get out. Her heart threatened to barge out her ribs. What the heck is going on? What is this? She wheezed; the world spun. The closet! Yes! That's it! No lock, but I can manage! I can… holy… her face tingled. Can faces fall asleep? Cheeks? 

She needed out. There were too many eyes. Too many to see her like this. Her voice sounded different. Like it was her but not her. "Let me go, let me go, let me go..!"

When her hands felt loose enough, she dashed to the closet. Hide, hide, hide!

Yanked it shut behind her.

By this point, all the other siblings were talking amongst themselves. "Should we call a doctor? Mom and Dad?" Leni started.

Lola closed her gaped mouth. "What was that?"

Lisa chimed in. "What we just saw was a panic attack." She said matter-of-factly, her eyes shifting between the eerily still closet and Luna's flushed face. "We are yet to understand what triggered it, however."

A panic attack? Seriously? Luna's knees buckled under her weight and she staggered backwards, plopping on her beanbag. What's next? Luan was gonna say she lost her mind?

Oh, yeah, totally; and I'm Mick Swagger's great great grandkid.

Leni took a step forward into the room, scanning Luna's hand; her mildly irritated stance. She was wearing thin on this. It was obvious. "What happened?"

"I don't know! Ask her!" Luna glared at the closet unable to help but feel betrayed. They talked about this. What the hell? "She's gone haywire for no reason!"

Some of her siblings stepped into the room to peek. Lincoln kneeled before the rest of his sisters and picked the pieces up. His eyes widened as he glanced at Luna- all she could do was shrug irritably.

"What's that?"

"Wait a second!"

"Whoa! That thing went down hard!"

Luna watched as Leni headed to the closet, rapping at the door; her voice honey-like and tender. "Luan? You okay? Can we talk?"

Luna loved herself a party, that was the added benefit to having a clan of siblings; but pity parties like this? Except that. She pressed a palm against her eyes, her temples throbbing with each beat of her racing heart. She couldn't see them but could tell they were coaxing Luan out. The closet didn't even have a lock. Rule of the Loud House, you know it's bad when the sibling tornado turns up to your room. Especially to your room.

The heavy atmosphere held her by the neck. Handling an emotionally charged person was enough, but to have it all come together to form this alliance of sadness? Too much to handle. She gritted her teeth and hissed a breath in. She wanted to help her. She really did, but it was only a matter of time before that responsibility would be taken by someone else.

Yeah, let 'em have the torch. Life's too short to live with a toxic heart.

Luan wasn't coming out any time soon, anyway, and if she did, there were a dozen more people to sort her demons out.

Luna shot up and grabbed her axe, slinging it over her body. For now, this was none of her beeswax.

Her siblings overlooked her, only noticing the thudding of her boots as she walked out. Leni turned to the door, feeling responsible for what's going on. "I'll take care of this." Her face hardened as she looked at her siblings, gesturing at the door for them to leave. This was her chance to take Luna's spot in line. To be the sister Luan needed.

Lincoln nodded, sensing reign on the matter, and led all of the sisters out the room along with him. Waiting until they got out, Leni locked the door shut before them, leaving her alone in the room.

Not quite.

She peered over to the closet; deathly still. No sounds of life in there her ears could pick up on. But She could almost feel Luan in there, frozen still. Like she was playing dead just to avoid her, like what Lucy would do.

She's heard stories, both from Lori and especially Luna. What was making her act so unhinged lately?

"Luan?" Leni sauntered to the closet, hesitantly reaching out to the knob. "I'm opening it, okay?"

Nothing.

Either yes or no, she was gonna do it anyway.

She pulled it open and found Luan staring into space.

She was as still as Tanya. Breathing, but still.

She should've been crying, right? Feeling the weight of her panic attack? Or the pain she'd dragged through the road and into home? It's not like anybody could just have a panic attack and then suddenly be okay less than a minute later, right? Leni may have known she was sort of dense, but after everything she'd seen from Luan lately, this couldn't just be a sick prank she was pulling.

But what if it was?

Was she just feeling dangerous and histrionic? Like all those times she pulled fake spiders and dog poop on her? That was Luan to you; she's done weirder.

"Hey," Leni knelt down in front of her, right about to reach out to her shoulder, had she not been taken aback by her features. She knew Luan wasn't getting sleep, and it showed. Her eyes were red-rimmed and distant; cheeks decorated with tiny zits, something she hadn't noticed until now. Was this still the happiest person she'd known? "Talk to me."

Luan glazed over her, her face unreadable, it unnerved her. Was this what Luna meant by her brushing it all off?

The silence was palpable between them, a sickening agreement that yes, this was just an ordinary Wednesday. The stillness stretched on for what felt like long enough for Leni to catch on the hint. She had no intention of responding. "Luan, please," She finally reached out, brushing a stray hair behind Luan's ear. "What happened? Why did you rip your… your award apart? And… what's with that attack thingy Lisa mentioned you had?"

Helping was Leni's golden badge. In a way, she wore kindness on her the way she'd wear her sewed dresses. It was her pride, her duty. Her honor to go up to her siblings, and unselfishly do what they wanted her to do, so long as it made them happy. So long as she could get that thank you, that joy in return.

Now, she didn't get why in Luan's case, that'd backfire. Why it exhausted her to no end to have to be like Mother Theresa to her group mates, saving them from falling from grace. That should've been something to be proud of; to be so smart, to have a special talent that made you dependable, that people come to you for help.

But come to think of it again, being a hero did come with a responsibility. When you've got the entire family relying on you as the eldest, and the new emotional rag… it does get a little tiring. It was like this every day now; just walking on eggshells with her little sister, because, and having Luna whine constantly about it to her.

But she loved the job nonetheless. And her heart ached to know Luan was struggling with something she couldn't fathom, mainly because Luan herself wouldn't bother opening her eyes to it. Luna was her only hope for this. They were closer. And all she really wanted was all of them happy.

Leni had heard of Luan's issue before. Circumstance. Just like how she was next in line to take Lori's throne as babysitter and oldest sister of the house. She was just lucky she got used to it, unlike in Luan's case—who had to deal with quadruple the clans she had to face day by day.

Could it have been too late? It didn't look like she was hurting anymore, it looked like she was already broke.

Now the grief was spreading like wildfire. Leni's face scrunched up uncomfortably. She shifted back to her knees as the hope washed out of her. When help was out of their hands, there were only… only two people who could help now.

"That's it," She felt her stomach churn. The negative energy that ironically, their most jovial sister radiated was too much to bear. Leni swallowed her heart down her throat. Her eyes began to sting. She let it pool over. It took all the willpower not to hug her right then and there. But… that's not what Luan would want. Luna was right, talking to her was like jumping hurdles far beyond her height. One hop up and slam. Blocked. "You're giving me no choice, Luan. I'm just gonna have to tell Mom and Dad."

Luan finally looked at her, fear flickering in her long gaze. They grew up sorting things out on their own, if it reached mom and dad's level, it was a tier too serious. And yes, this was beyond what they could handle, but what could they do?

But as quick as the emotion danced within her, it flickered off. She pulled her knees close to her chest, and rested her chin between it, looking... lost. Dazed. It… wasn't like last time. No. This was unnerving.

"It's just getting ridiculous," Luan spoke flatly, staring at nothing in particular. "I came back and suddenly I had to do everything again because Mr. Fernandez wouldn't approve our script."

The words were slow and firm, sounding like she was stating a fact over reiterating an event. "When we finally finish performing, I get blamed for passing the script late, for not having the initiative as a leader—it's like he just forgot that I was out the whole week for the fest."

Leni could barely comprehend the words she said—focusing more on how it was delivered. No anger, no panic, not even hesitation. Now it just sounded like she was a cranky kid without their complete eight hours.

Huh. That won her over.

"So, it was a bad presentation?" Leni asked. It makes sense, and ow, it sucks that she had to go through all that, but that didn't justify her self-destructive nature. "You could've just told us instead of ripping your certificate. That had so much value in it, gone to waste."

It was like a mirror cracked in Luan's soul, and a small hint of remorse flickered in her eyes. She hopelessly gazed at the ceiling as her eyelids fluttered close.

Poor kid. Leni rubbed her eyes for a brief second just to get the soreness and the pent-up pain out of it. "You look tired," She pointed out. "You should go to bed." She yanked Luan by the arm, helping her stand. "You're not going anywhere today. Forget it and just focus on resting for now."

Luan didn't even argue as she took her hand and stood up. Leni brought her to her bunk, and sat her there. She slid her shoes off, and slipped herself under the covers. Turning herself to the wall, and in her eyes—Luan was out like a light.

Just to make sure, she peered over to Luan's face, and yep. Her mouth was agape and unlike before, her breaths regained normality; a slow and steady rhythm found in the rising and falling of her back. Leni stared down at the idle backpack slouched over her bedside. She'd constantly hear Luan mentioning it like homework was her only obsession nowadays. You can always take care of that later.

She hooked one of its straps through her arm and placed it gently into the closet.

It was only Luan. It was just one sibling. Leni swallowed through a dry throat, slipping out a low cough softly at the sensation. She turned the knob slowly and slipped herself out to the unusually quiet hallway. But suppose that's how The Loud House works, right? Like dominoes. One's down—everyone else falls too.

Right as she opened the door, Lincoln and Lisa barricaded the way.

"Uh…?" Her face scrunched up in confusion, yet Lincoln stared at her with determination she was all too familiar with.

"I think I know what's going on now," Lincoln stated confidently. "If you're telling Mom and Dad, we're coming too."

Leni glared at them as she realized something. "Were you guys eavesdropping?"

Lincoln and Lisa exchanged knowing looks before shrugging. She shook her head in resignation. "Fine, fine," She said exasperatedly, gently pushing them aside to walk out. Before heading downstairs, she glanced at them one more time, her eyes riveting between her younger sister and brother. "I'll send you guys a text. Keep your phones open."

They both nodded earnestly before spreading out.

Chapter Text

Enough is enough.

She'd made a vow to support her, to fight for her even when she couldn't herself. But Luna couldn't keep doing this. Not without a support system of her own.

Normally, she'd find herself on stage, rocking out to her songs, jammin' with her band. And when that'd all be over, Chunk would take it all away with some bingo for the rest of the day, while they'd chug on coffee cups, spending all their gig money on everything in the menu.

"Luna, you okay?" Sam said tentatively. "You're acting... spaced out."

But now, suppose she just wanted to sit back and let be, with the girl that held her heart. Luna shook her head, drawing her cup up to sip on espresso. What no…? Spaced out? I'm Luna Loud, I live for the now. "Yeah, dude... all's well with me."

Not really.

She heard the keyboard click in their room last night and knew. Luan wanted to stay up 'til dawn when she should've rewarded herself at least a night of rest—that was her issue to deal with now. Sure, her circumstances weren't anybody's fault… but God, was she making it hard to believe that when she did things like that to herself.

She came here to distract herself. To take a day-off the stress, the worry, the constant. bellyaching. But did she really deserve that? There her lil' sis was, suffering, panicking, being driven to the brink of a major break. And here? She could take breaks anytime.

Sam could see dishonesty behind her words. Her gaze stayed fixed out the window, her face a neutral mask betraying no hint of emotion. But Sam noticed the way her jaw clenched, the way her middle finger tapped restlessly on the plastic cup. She was lying, she could tell. But she wasn't admitting anything. Not yet.

"No big news or anything? Something I did wrong?" Sam narrowed her eyes. A year dating Luna made her find out that there were two types of fidgeting Luna did; one if she was amped, while beatboxing, and one when she was lying—like right now. She could protest, but caffeine wasn't the excuse. "It's not everyday we just have coffee dates like this, you know.

Is that what Sam really thought? Makes sense; her sense of winding down usually involved adrenaline in between the buns.

Luna slapped the cup down. "Excuse me for wanting to wind down." A quit sigh left her lips as she adjusted the cuffs of her sweater. She was over having to chase cars around her head like this."There is something on my mind… but I don't wanna talk about it." 

Sam sipped on her drink, and placed it on the table with a thump. "I get that, but talking helps, you know?" 

Luna pursed her lips. That's what she'd been telling Luan all this time.

Noticing her hesitation, Sam gave her a mischievous grin. "Come on, don't make me pull out the eyes on ya!"

Luna was weak at that. Sad peepers? From her girlfriend especially? A hot rush tingled through her cheeks. Not in public! She'd fold instantly. "Okay, okay! Just don't pull the trick on me!" She raised a palm up in surrender, her brain turning to snap at the image of Sam's puppy dog eyes out of her laugh. "It's my sister—"

"Luan?"

"Yeah." Luna shot her a knowing look, and she reciprocated. Sam knew just as much as Leni had. And good thing for her for being the emotional guru between them.

As the gravity of the situation reintroduced itself, Sam brought her arms to the table and leaned forward in interest. While Luna had a dozen siblings to rely on in case one was feeling blue, Simon only had Sam. If there was anyone better at big sister-ing here, it was her. "What's it this time?"

"Remember when we last called?" Luna leaned back, throwing one arm onto the backrest.

Sam nodded. "I heard her in the background. She sounded pushy."

Luna's eyes darkened with the memory. "Oh, she was. More than that." Her voice dropped. "I came in thinking, oh, it's another one of those days, and next thing you know, she was shredding her cert like it was trash!"

Sam nodded. The pattern was there. Her puppet, and now that? Luan didn't come across as aggressive in any way; heck, knowing Luna, she was way worse when pushed.

"And that's not the worst part," Luna's voice was bordering a yell. Her eyes darted away, lit with frustration; her jaw set. "I tried stopping her, and guess what? She had a panic attack!"

"A what?" Sam's eyebrows shot up, incredulity seeping into her voice. "A panic attack? That doesn't sound like her at all."

"You best believe me, Sam, she was full on flailing like an epileptic on narcotics!" With a huff of frustration, Luna stole another sip of espresso. The bitter aftertaste soothing her tongue for what was about to roll out of it. "Think I got a few bruises on my shin and my stomach." 

Very sore ones too.

Sam cringed, almost as if the energy of Luna's pain transferred to her. She knew just as much as Luna knew about this whole situation, and she tried to sit it out like her girl insisted. Family dealt with family only, she had it covered, right?

Yeah… no.

"That sounds serious, Lunes," Sam leaned back on the chair, her arms dropping to her lap. "I don't wanna sound like I'm giving you unsolicited advice but—"

"No, no, go ahead, whatcha got?"

"This is probably when the 'rents should chime in." She said with a grimace, saying that pained her just as much as it did for Luna. Luna took this more seriously than anyone knew, and to surrender herself to admission, it was like putting her mjolnir down. Like she failed her responsibility as an older sister. "You can't just overlook a panic attack. That'd take more than a talk to fix. Luan needs help."

Luna pushed out a tired breath, her heart sinking with realization. Of course. A talk couldn't fix it. It was just a talk. It wasn't like she could force it. "I know, but she won't accept it even if you dragged her arse to salvation!"

"That's why your parents should intervene." Sam shot back, her irritation flaring. "She can't say no if they're the ones insisting, can she?"

As much as their parents loved them, and showed it every way they could; time in a business, and in a family of a dozen plus one was gold. Luna scoffed, instantly thinking of all the ways they'd brush it off.  Dad's already going haywire over the resto. Mom's caught up in scraping beef jerkies off Flip's gums. Would they even step aside or just tell them to fix it on their own like they've always done?

No, heck, they'd probably just call in Lisa to deal with it using her scientific magic.

Nah, if she went to Lisa first, the 'rents might as well do it. The chair creaked as Luna leaned her back fully against it. "That might work… I don't know." Luna muttered, her voice gruff. She rested her head on her palm, staring helplessly at the oak tabletop."Apart from that, what am I supposed to do? How else do I help her other than by snitchin'?"

Luan just wasn't mentally in grid anymore, it was clear as day. But telling mom  and dad just didn't feel enough. She could do more... she should do so much more. But what?

Sam looked down before her face lit up, only subtly. "She knows that you're there for her when she needs you, right?"

Luna nods earnestly. "Told her a bajillion times."

The light in her eyes dimmed into something akin to pity. "And she still won't talk, huh."

It was more of a re-statement than it was a question. Luna shook her head anyway.

"Huh." Sam purged her dry throat with her latte, running warm now. "Only thing you can really do now is… remind her of that time and time again, and hope that maybe… she'll come to you."

She already knew that. Luna frowned. It still sucked to be reminded of it though. To know that there was nothing that she could do. And it was exhausting just as it was painful, to have to stare as she drowned. Even with all the life jackets she'd throw, Luan wouldn't wear it. She wouldn't take it. 

"Suppose that'd be the only thing I can do now." Luna dropped her hands on the table somberly, a twinge of doubt in her voice. She lost her appetite to drink, instead feeling this strong yearning to reconnect, to save her sister. "You think she'll come to me eventually?"

Sam reached out and plastered her palm over her entwined hands. She wanted to lie, say cheesy, hopeful reminders disguising themselves as truths, but she couldn't do Luna dirty like that. She knew Luan and her bonded over not addressing the elephants in their room. "Maybe?"

Luna's shoulders sagged in disappointment. "You're s'posed to say yes, dang it."

And there it was. Only wanting the sweets, even if it hurt her in the long run. "I can't lie, you know that." Sam shot her a stern look.

"Good point…" Luna muttered, her memory still afloat to sensation in her shin, and her gut. Geeze, she could pack a punch. "Gooood point."

"Luan!"

Turns out, they didn't have to wait after dinner.

Leni heard a barrage of booming knocks on the door. "Open this door right now!" She winced at mom's shriek.

She flitted to the bed; Luan was shifting from her sleep. Leni pulled herself off the beanbag, and softly opened the door, finding her fuming parents standing behind. "She's sleepi—"

Mom pushed her aside, and dad followed suit, locking the door behind as Leni stumbled to the doors of the closet. Whoa, what the…?

Catching her footing, she helplessly watched as Luan was shaken awake by mom. "Huh… what?"

"Young lady, what is the meaning of this!?"

Leni tried to stay still, but dad caught her moving, and glared at her before gesturing at the door. She immediately rushed out, back pressed against the door.

Aaaand… the rest of them were in the hallway too. Great. More questions.

Lana was about to open her mouth, but Leni raised a palm up. "I gotta go." She grimaced. One more Luan-related drama, and she'd hurl. She stepped down the stairs, not without giving them one last, firm warning. "Let Mom and Dad deal with it."

"What did we just talk about, Luan!? She wiped her already aching eyelids for the millionth time. "You cussed at your teacher—in the middle of class! Have you forgotten what I warned you about!?"

Make the nightmare end. She silently begged, hugging her knees. If there was a God, then please end this. End me.

"M-mom…" Her throat was blocked with the chokehold of her actions. There was too much to explain, so little space to. "I…"

"H-hold on, honey, hold on…" Dad kneeled in between them, and Luan felt his heavy hand stroke her back. "Luan, can you look at me for a second?"

She sniffled, and peered at him, returning his concerned gaze with affliction. He placed the back of his palm under her neck, then his eyes widened, and he looked at Mom. "Rita, she's heating up."

For a second, Rita cooled down and tentatively felt her forehead, her rage cooling down to disappointment.

Luan curled herself up tighter, hiding her face from the world. She'd felt it since waking up. Fatigue… heavy head. No sign of a cough or runny nose though. Even with her sweater, and her Mom's black vest over her, it was chilly.

"I-I'm freezing." She shuddered.

Mom and Dad exchanged looks before the former stood up.

"Stay here. I'm gonna get Lisa." She heard Mom say, feeling the bed shift weight as footsteps distanced themselves from the door.

The door clicked and the mattress dipped once more. This time, by the available space on her bed. Strong arms wrapped around her, and Dad pulled her into a firm embrace. "There, there… sweetie. Tell me what happened?"

It felt safe, and familiar in dad's hold. It always had. She missed the feeling and relished it. But it wasn't enough to let go. "Lots of things." She mumbled out weakly.

"What kind of things?" He pressed his palm on her forehead, before pulling back with a wince. "You're burning up, honey. What did you do?"

The snow. A gasp slipped into her lips. They'd kill her if they found out. "I didn't do anything, dad, I swear!"

She was sputtering off the trails, beyond words and emotion. Lynn pulled her to his chest. "It's okay, it's okay. You don't need to talk." He soothed her; she felt so frail in his arms. This wasn't the girl that grew up to be fifteen. This was, age eight, yet again, on that night of her first flopped gig. "It's okay…"

Rita slipped back in, a conflicted mix of concern and frustration on her face. Lisa followed in tow, with her medical supplies and Todd. She checked her vitals, everything of the like, and Luan—her state was so bad, Lisa pointed out the way she stared blankly at the ceiling, in and out of sleep.

Chapter Text

That nap didn't compensate for the two days she'd spent squeezing, wringing the life out of her head.

And for a second there she thought it'd help her forget everything, or magically take the fever away. Ironically, it was the weight in her head and the ice-cold drop in temperature that had her scrambling for a blanket.

For how many times she wished to grow faster and move out in her own space, there was something so cold, so empty about waking up alone with no idea what time it was, or where your bag even was. Luan shuffled and rubbed her socked feet under the blanket. In a moment, there was only pain, physical pain; then suddenly, everything returned in a tidal wave: that dignity-destroying blizzard of a play, the tongue-lashing, the swearing… God, she did that?

She did that.

Everything was a blur from there, though she could faintly remember mom speaking with her. She couldn't picture it out but she felt her warm hands cooling her cheeks; her soothing voice, reassuring her that they'd make this work, that she'd be taken care of. That she'd just go work-from-home in the meantime... Something along those lines.

Never should've… Luan grumbled. Walking out without a cap under the snow led to this. This was her fault. Now what? Everyone gets to suffer? Mom gets to suffer?

This would make it worse, but br… she shuddered under the warming fabric, teeth clattering as she pulled her arms huddled into her chest; what else was she supposed to do?

Click.

She froze as footsteps emerged in the room. The familiar drum in them told her it was boots.

She closed her eyes and tried to ease up on her breathing. Luna would want an explanation, after what just happened.

Please don't. Luan inhaled slowly. Somehow everything just feels so much more intense when you're bottling it up. Go on your way. I'm asleep.

The boots thudded closer… Luan opened one eye and found her silhouette gracing the wall. What little space left on the edge of the bed dipped; just then, a warm hand enclosed itself on her shoulder. "Hey," Luna murmured softly. "Wake up."

Her heart jolted; no. I won't.

That was a dumb thought. Who would wake someone up deliberately for no reason? Of course Luna wanted something, and there was no running over it.

"Sis," She said a little louder, her voice softer than usual. "Get up. You gotta eat. Can't drink meds on an empty stomach, y'know."

She's gonna ask about it. She's gonna ask about it. If not now, later. Luan ignored her reluctance and shifted sluggishly, pretending to have woken up right then and there. "Luna?"

Her voice came out croaky and frail, close to a whisper barely brushing past the air. Luan felt Luna pulled her hand away as she rolled to her back. Her eyelids fluttered as she adjusted to the bright lights of the room. She couldn't help but feel a wave of frustration seep as she glanced at the paracetamol, at the plate of dad's beef stroganoff, her favorite dish. Was she still sane? After all that? Something about... the atmosphere felt different. Something felt wrong.

"You proud of yourself?"

The words hit Luan like a dagger to the chest, She couldn't miss the trace of contempt in Luna's eyes as she said that, and with a sense of confusion and offense, she pulled herself up with shaky arms.

"We didn't know what to do with the cert since it was all ripped up, so we threw it out." Her words came through clenched teeth. "Should we do the same to Mr. C or what?"

Luan shook her head, growing ever more confused by Luna's strange demeanor "D-Don't touch him."

Realizing her mistake, Luna's face relaxed. As Luan sat up completely, she handed her the plate. Normally, she'd just bring the meal up here and call it a day, but after what happened, how could she?

"Thanks…" Luan muttered feebly, accepting it.

For a moment, Luna flitted her gaze to the heavily decorated wall, mindlessly reading the names of bands and famous comedians in her head. If only you knew, just how many questions I got for you.

The atmosphere was somber and unlike how it usually was in their room, only the sounds of cutlery grating platter, and Luna was afraid that with this push and pull dynamic they had now, it was gonna be the new normal. She couldn't let that happen. When did talking to your own roommate become so hard?

Luna gave her a half-hearted smile. Something to light up the atmosphere because resident clown couldn't. "That thing you did back there… that was killer."

Luan raised her brows with a swallow. What was she talking about?

"You do know what you just got yourself into, right?" Luna continued, to her confusion. "Pretty sure you're gonna be the talk of the school for days."

Luan felt her appetite fade, and she set the half-empty plate aside, crossing her arms coldly. That. "Yeah, whatever."

Feeling regret wash over her, Luna dropped the subject. The little tremors in Luan's body language told her this wasn't the right time to be guilt-tripping her now. She pressed a hand over her forehead, before harshly wincing back. "Geeze, dude, you're boiling hot. Drink your meds already. Here." She popped the pill and reached out for the glass of water, studying her sickly appearance with a grimace. "Tried running off in the snow, did ya?"

Luan pulled the glass out of her lips before wiping. "How'd you know?"

A ghost of a smirk crossed Luna's lips as she leaned in, scanning her features, her hair. "Could've sworn I saw a little hint of dandruff on ya," She narrowed her eyes playfully, reaching out to flick a thumb against the top of her head. "Or was it something else?"

Luan let out a chuckle, the word winter popping in mind. Win… winter… what pun could I make outta that? "You made your guess. There's snow way out of getting out of this one."

You…no, no… winter? She inwardly cringed. Surrender. Surrender.

That lame pun made Luna's face light up a little. "The 'rents know what's going on." She spilled, her voice much more light-hearted. "They're gonna contact the admins again to see what we can do about this… system of theirs."

"They know?" The breakdowns, the bad reports, the times she snapped, the times she stayed quiet? Everything?

Luna's smile faltered, her expression turning grave. "What else were we supposed to do?" She asked; helplessness tinged in her voice.

Luan wanted to look and play the part of keeping on, but this was a thing that just couldn't go on. The nightstand thudded as she placed the empty glass down. Either this had to end, or Luan... God. Luan's stomach churned as she studied her younger sister's flushed face. She didn't wanna know what'd happen next.  

"How'd they react?" Luan pulled herself back until the pillow was sandwiched between her back and the headboard.

Luna looked away, pursing her lips. "N-not very good." Their eyes locked once more. Trepidation in Luna's. "They wanna drop you out."

Her nerves froze into steel. "What!?"

It was like reaching the highest altitude and dropping back down to where gravity hit. As fast as everything stilled, it came back, twice as cold. Mom and dad were dropping her out!? What about… finishing high school!? What about her friends, Benny!? Reaching out, she tugged at the blankets, but Luna stopped her.

"That's gonna make your fever worse." She noted Luan's shivering. "I'm gonna get you an ice pack. Don't move."

Despite the news wracking her already frayed nerves, Luan found a little humor in her words. When Luna walked out, she tossed her legs down the edge of the bed and headed to the closet. Ooh, I'm moving, She sang-sung mentally, pulling her pajamas out and changing into them.

Mom and Dad are dropping me out.

The thought assailed her like a screech blaring through her ears. She ditched her skirt for the plaid pants, peeled her blouse off, and slipped into the top. As she began buttoning it from the top, uncertainty crept over her. Then again, maybe it was the only thing they could do. They couldn't just change the system. They couldn't just go up there and tell them to tone it down with the projects; that's been set from the beginning. Lori, Leni, even Luna had their share of it, but good for them. They're average students. Good on them, for not flaunting their greatness even if they had their potential.

Right as she fumbled with the last bottom down, Luna opened the door, causing her to jump.

"Chill," Luna grinned as the door clicked behind her, ice pack in her hand. "It's just me."

She returned to the edge of Luan's bunk and gestured to her to lie down. As she complied, Luna placed it on her head; the cooling sensation contradicting the way her chills lessened… fire with fire, ice with ice, get it?

That was lame. But better than nothing.

The gesture was greatly appreciated, and she beamed at Luna with the biggest smile she could give, though with a body and face feeling both hollow yet heavy, she didn't know if it was much.

Luna didn't return it though. Her eyes flickered with trouble; a rare bout of concern rarely seen from her carefree attitude. It was like she was trying to read her mind in a way, and she sucked on her bottom lip like there were words she held back.

Until finally, she said it. "Why'd you have to wait, dude?"

As cryptic as it was, it still hit like a kick to the teeth. "What?"

"It's in conflict you see who a person is, you know?" Luna glanced at her with a seething glare. "You're so goddamn stubborn."

Normally, she'd consider that a compliment. "Luna, you know it's not my fault—"

"I know." Luna said sternly, tearing her eyes away. "But still. You chose to tear your stuff apart, even when you knew I'd listen. You know I'd let you yell, I'd let you hit me if you needed it. I was here for you, always was!" She glared seethingly at Luan, a hint of hurt in her eyes. "Isn't that enough?"

Luan opened her mouth to defend herself, but quickly shut it. That's how I've always been. She heard Mr. Coconuts' voice in her head. Sorry if it's making your belly ache. 

What came out of her instead, sounded so much weaker. Queasier. "No, it was more than... enough." 

"Then why didn't you say anything? I was only one call away!" Her thoughts trailed back to the letter, to when Lisa explained what could've been wrong with her. Sick in the mind. Depression… And her heart sank again.

Luna dropped her elbows to her thighs, dipping her head down. "I just wanted you to come to me on your own. I want you to trust me with these things." 

Sighing, she stole a glance at Luan. She was staring up at the ceiling in thought, her expression guilty. "Don't you?"

Luan's heart twisted at the crack in Luna's voice at the last statement. The sound reverberated like a script that resonated with her. Don't I? "Of course, I trust you, it's just…"

Just what? It's like all the reasons left her for dead.

Luna furrowed her eyebrows. "Really?" She accused scathingly. "Don't lie to me, dude. I get it. I know we both got our separate symphonies going, but come on! You act like I'd tell you to just fuck off the moment you open up!"

Luan winced when Luna slipped the curse out of her mouth, sinking the back of her deeper into her pillow, wanting to be sucked into it. Don't guilt-trip me now. The truth was one she wasn't ready to face. She didn't even think she could face herself after all this.

"What will venting do?." She quickly dismissed, crossing her arms over her chest. "I can throw tantrums all I want, it'd be pointless! It's not like it'll fix things! Y-you just don't get it!"

It hit her like a slap to the face. She offered the whole package. A crying shoulder, a study buddy, everything Luan could ever need. And this was it? Was Luan just that prideful? Or was she just so cowardly she thought asking for help would get her rejected?

Luna hovered over her lying body, growing ever more agitated with the fear that flashed on her face."What don't I get, Luan? It seems to me, you're just waiting on some... some miracle to dazzle you!" She pointed her an accusing finger, and Luan furrowed her eyebrows. Oh, she wasn't getting away this time. Luna growled; can't she just see how blind she was?

"The system is just doing its thing; we've been through it before and we were fine! You know who the real problem is here? It's you!"

A pregnant pause. 

Yeah. It is me. Luan wanted to say, but she sucked her lips in instead. It's my fault I'm so ambitious. It's my fault for trying to prove that I'm not a troublemaker anymore. It's my fault for ever being a troublemaker in the first place! Happy!?

When Luan responded with seething silence, yeah... it's hopeless. She's hopeless. Luna ignored the tears brimming in Luan's glare, looking away to swallow down her own. She scratched the side of her nose, blinking rapidly. The disappointment was high and dry in the atmosphere.

Luna sighed in resignation, looking at the half-empty plate growing cold. "Full?"

The change in atmosphere; the distance in her tone took Luan aback, but she didn't point it out at all.

Instead, she simply nodded. 

Luna begrudgingly picked the plate up and stepped out of the room.

Luan's eyes followed her, a sinking feeling in her stomach. When the door shut, a realization that came with the half-empty glass Luna didn't pick up. 

Right. She popped not one, but two pills and swallowed. 

It has been a week, and my fever is still up and running, although inconsistent.

A week of just chicken noodle soup for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. Luan thought as she typed, bile rapidly rushing up her throat. She swallowed it down. Madness.

My stress during the time of the event, along with my already weak immune system and the unpredictability of winter triggered the sickness. It was then I missed school without a single notice.

I will admit that I have my flaws where it's found and I take responsibility for all the mishaps I had gone through. However, due to the following sequence of events happening all at once, with no ample room to breathe, see where this has gotten me now. I've considered myself a savvy at stage performance, but up until the last one, I had found myself nerve-wracked despite being known for doing improvs excellently.

She heard shifting outside and nearly jolted out of her seat in a panic. Her siblings were home.

Almost done… Luan kept a thin lip, the last burst of motivation quelling within her. Just a few more lines to go…

As of two weeks after that last encounter, I can tell you, yes, I am still sick. Not in the body, but in the mind.

I've been convinced to come back under a bargain; like removing Miss Dublin and Mr. Fernandez out of my classes would help. I refused.

Besides, after all that humiliation? The whole school knew her. She couldn't come back.

After her last visit, courtesy of the guidance counselor, Luan never knew she could feel so nauseous just by stepping foot into a building, full of stray guns ready to shoot. Her classmates, teachers, and club mates. Stop for a second to chat, and kappow. They hit her with the questions. The 'comebacks, the 'we miss you's. It felt like walking into a war without armor.

And God only knew if she came across Mr. Fernandez and Ms. Dublin, who rightfully so, were reprimanded for their wrongdoings. Mr. Fern for his knack for flaking, then bombarding work under time duress, and Ms. Dublin for her anger management problems. It's unsure if she'd pass her evaluation as a student-teacher or, better yet, if she'd graduate this year.

"Can't I just stay in here?" And maybe the panic attack resurfaced, right before, and during the time she came into the school. It took mom and dad a while to get her to calm down before dragging her out of Vanzilla. "If they ever ask anything, just ring me up."

"Sweetie," Mom turned to her from the passenger seat. "They wanna hear your story. From your perspective."

"We'll be your voice of reason," Dad reassured her with a smile. "All you have to do is say what happened."

Why she'd panic, Luan didn't know. It felt similar to being on trial, being a victim forced to repeat what happened to them. She hated it, and knew just like a lawyer to the opposing side, she'd be accused of being irresponsible, or not being resilient enough. As fixed as she normally was with her arguments, this one was a little unsteady boat. They were right, though. She led herself onto this. She made dumb decisions and now she was paying her body's debt. She didn't deserve to complain about it. She didn't deserve to break.

Mom and Dad had to calm her out of a panic attack before keeping her tucked between them like bodyguards as they rushed down the hall. She clung onto them the entire time, practically burying herself into their clothes, hoping not a soul could peek at her and ask.

I am beyond grateful for your offer to shift me to homeschooling instead. It is a better course of action than to drop out.

This is my story. I hope you take the time to read this and reflect on whether or not my proposal is worth appealing to.

She threw her legs out of the stool, already tingling to stand.

Hoping for your consideration.

Luan Loud

Student

And. Ctrl + S.

Luan stood up, rubbing her dry eyes.

Chapter Text

Lyrics to: Never Too Late—Three Days Grace (2007)

You can only hope she'll come to you. 

There was no use. She could only watch everything unfold before her.

The microphone buzzed in front of her with the sound of her breathing. She shredded harder, the amp buzzing violently against the cement, against the grain of her boot. With a full chest, she began gushing, pouring it all out.

"Even if I say, "It'll be alright"

Still I hear you say, you want to end your life

Now and again we try to just stay alive

Maybe we'll turn it all around, 'cause it's not too late, it's never too late"

The last chord echoed, buzzing with the aftermath of her yell; all the words she wanted to tell her. All the words she wished Luan would listen to. Honestly? She wouldn't.

Luna grumbled under her breath, dropping herself back on one of her amps. That's all she'd done following the fever; wallowing in the garage for hours until it was time to go up, give Luan her meds, and come back down. In her dwelling place, she'd worship music in itself, screaming until she'd remember that this Logan V-80 shredder was her lifeline. Her first love. She knew the chords by heart, the precise amount of pressure to place on the strings for that perfect zing. Remembered that tiny chip it had on the edge from that time her guitar strap snapped. Noted long before that she'd never use leather straps again.

The once, earth-shattering, ear-ringing riffs of her axe became softer, staccato plucks. She tried to play D minor, but her finger slipped a little above the B string, and she nearly lost it. She shifted to B flat, then C, pressing the strings so hard it'd leave gash creases on her fingers. Making sure that this time, no accidents came. You're a rock God, Lunes; stop messing this up!

Swallowing through her aching throat, she strummed, up, down, four-times, down,down, down…

"The world we knew won't come back

The time we've lost can't get back

The life we had won't be ours again"

As her voice cracked at the last word, Luna stopped and rode through the tremors of her rising emotions. Her eyes were burning up. Her breath hitched and she blinked it back fast, looking down on her purple shredder through glassy vision. This was an extension of her. This is the extension of her.

Not… her own flesh and blood. Not her own roommate. Not the sister she was physically and most emotionally closest to. Not at all.

Yet when Logan's strings needed replacing and the saddle began to separate from the body, she was fine. A little bummed out, because the greens weren't always around, and so was Chunk to fix it… but those things were replaceable, right? She'd just go acoustic, maybe dip into her humble beginnings with classical instruments like violin.

But Luan… God, you can't just replace your own sister. What she's become, it killed of whatever trace of the old her was left. A panic-induced, lashing-out mess born out of months of constant stress, of pent-up lava seeping at the cracks in rapids. She was a closed-up flower, wilting at the ends, and no matter how much she watered her, pampered her, pushed her to talk, she just slunk back into herself again and again. At this point, with the fever slowly eating her alive, something told her school was just the tip of the iceberg. She was out of school now, free from the restraints of what stressed her out, right? Why was she still so… empty?

It wasted her so much time. It wasted her to worry, to cancel plans, to check in, especially now that she was on babysitting duty. Luan was alive. Why couldn't she start acting like it? Why did she have to act so dead?

It was a selfish thought; Luna knew that much. But still, it was justified to be mad over this; the things Luan's making her feel. To make her grieve over a person who hadn't even died. To feel eaten away over a suicide that hadn't even happened. To feel like she could've done more for wanting to open a door that she was locked out of.

Maybe Lisa and Lincoln were right. Maybe this is what depression looks like.

Nothing like she'd seen before, that's for sure.

She pushed herself up, and slipped the axe through her head and leaned it on the stand beside her. A week passed since they last interacted— apart from the small exchanges of 'take your meds', or reminders of rest. Was there a point in pushing it? At least Mom and Dad were trying. At least they were trying… because from the looks of it, Luan had given up on herself first.

That sign in itself should've been her green light to fight her battle for her. Luna tucked her hands into her purple hoodie, heading out and hooking the bottom of the door. It made a grinding sound as she lifted it up, and the outside world was back in sight.

The front yard, once warm and full of life, had become a bed of gray-colored snow. Br… she shuddered, trailing her eyes up to the sky where flakes fell.

Whatever, play it cool, Lunes. That's what Sam said. Play it cool.

After all, you can't fight for someone who wants to surrender so adamantly.

Quickly, she rushed to the porch and opened the door, jolting as she found Luan on the couch.

"You scared me." Luna felt her thudding heartbeat recede.

Instead of a sneer, or maybe even just a snort, Luan simply turned back to the TV, her eyes feverish and face flushed. It wasn't getting any better for her. "You scared yourself."

Though a major part of her was resenting the circumstances leading to now, how could she ever drop the sister she grew closest to; the one who followed almost every step, every style, every route she took? Especially when she needed someone the most? A part of her wanted to sit by; start a conversation. Whatcha watching? Say it's nothing, comment on whatever it was, go on from there… but… She scuffled the snow out her boots, before stepping over to the kitchen.

Play it cool. "Want a drink?"

Luan shook her head and she proceeded there on her own.

On the outside, it seemed like Luan was too invested in Mimes in Miami to look past anything beyond the four corners of the screen, but no. Her mind was wandering far off to the past, to the trapdoor she'd casually walked into.

People were blowing her phone up with questions, some scrutinizing, some worrying; bottom line was that they all wanted her back. Back just so they'd have a sponge to soak in all their projects, just so they'll get easy grades, no effort.

And while she wanted to laugh at their faces, flip them off like she'd done with Mr. Fernandez—who, now thinking about it, she did go too far with that one, she couldn't. She couldn't be cocky for leaving the school behind. At the idea of dropping them all to suffer and going off on a forever trip to the tropical islands. Heck. The prospect of dropping out petrified her. For someone as ambitious as she was, that was every star kid's nightmare. She had so much to live for in high school, and—

It's not like she lived it out even when she was there, anyway. She dismissed her friends, pushed Benny aside, and ignored most club meetings until FOT came up just because…grades.

Mom and Dad insisted on it. Academic break, if you will. It wasn't a big deal to then to have her take a year off, but no! Her classmates were gonna move up while she was staying? She'd be left behind then!

"Life isn't a race, sweetie, you have so much time to grow." Mom reassured her. "It's either you take a break, or you'll break."

And they couldn't compromise that even when she'd already done it.

How much it affected her friends, mom, dad, and siblings—Leni, and Luna especially, taunted her with her biggest career failure yet. You can annoy people, you can get a rise out of them, as long as you can see that deep inside, they were getting amusement out of it.

Her family may have gotten the jokes too well that it bore them now, but Luan saw through it. They secretly admired her wit, it showed in the way sometimes Lana would choke on her milk during breakfast. Or when Lynn's dimple would creep out amid a scoff and a 'shut up, Luan.'

And now what? It went from them shunning her down to pleading just to get her to talk.

She heard the sink clank and not long later, Luna stepped out of the kitchen. She felt her stare creep onto the side of her neck, before Luna walked upstairs. Wood creaking under her boots.

It pushed her off the deep end to be pried, especially by the one who did it the most. But now that Luna just casually passed her by, despite the clear concern on her face. Ouch.

Eh, why ask for something you don't want, right?

She crossed her arms to keep her hands warm, resting her heavy head against the backrest. With slit eyes, she watched the protag slip down an escalator, and his lover, rushing right to his side and cradling his head, calling out for help mute in a bustling, colorful mall. This was the gag of the show; just two silly, black and white mimes living in the summertime wonderland that was Miami. They were supposed to be weird, like outlanders living in the big city, left out and trying to navigate independently.

It was supposed to be funny. It was supposed to remind her of Benny and her. The way the man slept exaggeratedly while his woman faked a sob as people watched on would've cracked her up instantly, the bad acting was everything to her.

But… now she just felt a little… what's this… envious?

Gus is a lucky man. Look how loyal this woman is. Despite his stupidity!

Her mind returned to reality, a concept far from her comfort zone; and a familiar sinking sensation pulled her heart down. Maybe it would be nice to be held like that. Shame pooled in her stomach. To be cradled like a little kid all over again. To be helped by just… having to bleed it out.

Out of her own sheer will this time.

Now's about time you want something. Because it's gone. 

The irony wasn't lost on her. 

Luan remembered how it was a week ago when she woke her up to drink medicine; how she found out that she was sick. She remembered how she opened her mouth to speak, but seeing the exhausted look on her older sister's face stopped her. How, right after being woken up to drink, Luna left the room and hadn't come back for hours. Her initial thought was, someone must've given up, already, huh?

And she was right. Nobody acknowledged a thing. It's like one day, they just stopped caring. They just stopped talking. Like her name just…. Stopped getting murmured around in rumors and speculations.

Then Leni took care of her in the morning the next day. With a smoothie meant to induce relaxation, she asked her again, everything that happened in her perspective. She told her the gist of it, but just like her jokes, Leni didn't get it. "Why didn't you just say no?"

No? You think it's as easy as saying no?

Her mind clocked out the instant she asked, and there came another mood swing. She lashed out but quickly felt bad when regret crossed Leni's face. She didn't mean it as an attack, or as an insult like the naysayers did. She just wanted to know.

Then as the morning bled into noon, when the temperature would be at its peak, Leni notified her that when she was at work, Luna would take charge.

And her stomach churned at that. "What's up with her anyway?" She could faintly recall how Luna wanted answers from her; did she say anything? Did she answer those? Luan couldn't remember that.

Leni sat by the edge of her bed; her smile worn and faltering. "Look, Luan," She started seriously. "Me and Luna had been talking a lot… About you."

They were? Luan's eyebrows jerked up in skepticism. Leni thankfully took the hint. "We've seen how you were, observed it all this time until the whole family eventually noticed it too. We're worried about you. Everybody is." She explained; her voice gentle but insistent on the point. "But we just don't know how to help you. And… I guess Luna just grew tired of it."

Of course. 

Even she was tired of herself.

Leni picked up on her casualness, but decided to overlook it, speaking on her terms. Like this was the only opportunity she had to say it. "We just wish you were more open to us; you know. We're sisters—we've always had each other's backs time and time again." Normally, she'd be defensive about it but the honey in Leni's tone deemed her mute. "I know Luna's probably told you that already. But we all wanna help you get better, and not just from this sickness you have on the outside, but on the inside too."

"It's not…" Luan tried to explain, but it was futile. That's when it hit her. It was pointless. It was too late. She should've asked for help from the beginning. She should've just let them help her from the start, even before all this came up. And now the only one she had to blame was herself. Her pride. Because though she had all those things going on, what were siblings for?

And now she was left malfunctioning like a machine reaching the end of its course, loose screws bolting out and all. Full breakdowns, her first panic attack, and now a fever that just never seemed to end. It was getting harder to carry her own weight. Harder to even breathe. Not when her nose was full and her throat was scratchy against cold air. It was like her body's retribution against her for neglecting it for too long, and nobody else was to blame.

Her head reminded her that if she confessed it again, they'd laugh at her expense. The smarter part of her, one full of pride, knew what'd happen. They'd tell her to set her bar loose. To keep it low like they would. They'd pull her down, and get irritated if she didn't, eventually get annoyed if she kept ranting but never tried fixing the problem.

Their patience was chipping away anyway, so either way, it was a game she couldn't win.

And even though Leni continued to pour her heart out, gushing out her deepest sympathies for her, Luan was reminded again of the parts of her that were already in decay. Leni expressed how she felt helpless, how all she wanted was to see her happy again— but nothing. Where were her feelings? You're wasting your time, Leni, she thought. The only thing I feel bad for is for not feeling bad.

Even though I should. I should.

But emotions couldn't be forced, but she did anyway. After the day she, mom, and dad went to school for a meeting with the guidance counselor, she came back with a tight-lipped smile and an attempt to stand straighter. She was gonna beat this fever. She was gonna be happier—or at least, give the illusion she was. That's what they wanted right? For her to stay up even when she was down?

At least then, they wouldn't be dragged down with her.

Staring at the empty stairway, she saw herself walking up there. Coming into the room, talking it out with Luna. The only one who knew it all. The only one she trusted to handle these things maturely, unlike Lori- who was too far her gap with too many things to deal with, and Leni, who was… well, Leni, as good her intentions were.

But her legs were stuck, still fixed on the couch. She looked unavailable. Felt unavailable now. Even when she gave her her meds. Put water on her nightstand last night. There was a flash in her averting gaze. One that said, 'I gotta get outta here fast.'

Meow…

"Hey, Cliff." Her voice was syrupy and she hated it. The cat was just below her, staring with a rare sense of affection. Hm, she expected Charles, maybe even Geo, but not him.

Cliff jumped onto the couch and settled on top of her thighs. A weak smile tugged at her lips, and she crossed her legs Indian style. He settled himself onto her, his soft purrs emanating, relaxing her. "Oh, you wanna cuddle? Aw…" Luan gently patted his head and Cliff's eyes shut into happy slits. "Weather's extra cold today, isn't it?"

At least she's got this lil' guy.

Cliff pulled his paws out and kneaded her thigh in reward, a one-in-a-million instance from the rowdy house cat. It brought a giggle out of Luan, but even then, in her chest, it was hollow. It was heavy.

A wave of loneliness hit her. The impact came unexpectedly, with brutal force it left her dizzy. She could write it in her diary again, or be crazy enough to talk to Cliff about this. But… they can't reply. They can't talk back.

Luan's smile faltered and she turned the TV off, solely focusing on this moment right now. It didn't feel right. It felt like a scene and she was the cameraman.

Maybe this was the only feeling you got for pushing the rest down. Loneliness, guilt, frustration—that's all that's left.

Looking back, she'd already lost her fuel, her puppet. She couldn't lose her sister too. For what? Rejecting her when all she wanted to do was offer that?

She ran her thumb across Cliff's scalp; the cat nuzzled the pad of her finger with a soft purr… and her stomach awed. Deep inside though, she couldn't ignore the lingering apathy, the thinking that she was less grounded in reality now. The feeling couldn't be shaken. This was a war that left her with only the crumbs of her personality, taking away everything, and everyone that meant most to her with it.

Chapter Text

When she thought her heart sunk at the beginning of reading this, it happened again and again, and again. Luna grimaced, pulling away from the laptop. A nauseating read on just how desperate one has to be, to let themselves be trampled on to make ends meet.

All for what? Validation? Recognition?

"Why would you do this, sis…" 

She pulled a hand up to rub her sore eyes. On second thought, never mind. She was done asking, done calling out to an empty line.

She thought she was, at least.

This wasn't just a formal address to the principal; this was a diary page. Feeling suffocated as her hand returned to the mouse, she scrolled to the very top of the page. A shitstorm of a novel that… that wasn't even fictional. No wonder why she was the way she was.

It was ruthless, a massacre of a high school experience, that's what this was. As much as she wanted to, Luna couldn't feel bad, though. How could anyone? She brought this onto herself. She took the choice to keep it in. There were twelve other people she could easily rely on, but she didn't!

No, she was stubborn. Painfully so. Luna returned to that night. She knew this… group project system was a matter of circumstance, yes, but Luan just took it as that. She just let herself fall victim to what she knew was the predator. That was Luan to you; she could dish it, but couldn't take it. She'd target teachers constantly with her pranks, and, assuming this was retribution, she couldn't handle even an inch of it.

And now what? She was having panic attacks out of nowhere now? She was just shying away from authorities? This wasn't the Luan she knew. This wasn't Luan at all. She wasn't this… irrational. She knew when to stop.

Or did she?

God, it was stupid. So dumb. To devote yourself to something, not because you enjoyed it, but because you felt inadequate.

"So… how was it?"

She whipped her head to the door and found Luan leaning on it with a wistful smile on her face. 

Under different circumstances, she would've snapped. She would've demanded answers, slap her in the face to snap her out of her irrational daydream; but seeing Luan right there, a shell of herself, pale and sickly as she was… all the anger left her in an instant. She was hurt—no, she hurt herself, all because of this drive she had to succeed. Ambition shouldn't have to be a bad thing, but in her case, it was poisonous. Stemming so deep into her system, she wouldn't allow herself to have a moment of respite.

But how could she be mad? Luna knew what that was like. Working hours on end to write songs, draining her creative juices until the music lost its rhythm. Until she'd eventually just toss her sheets in the trash and delete her voice notes out, to call it a day.

"Uh… y-yeah. S'all good." She shrugged, trying to sound casual.

But that's not what Luan did. That was the problem. She never gave up. Even when her body was already giving in.

She had to admire the courage though. Even if it was to a whole new level of stubborn.

The elephant in the room was right in between them. Luna stepped out of the stool, briefly flashing eyes with her before retreating to her bed. She picked her phone up from the nightstand before heading up. No use in wondering anymore. No use in asking what she already knew.

She heard Luan step in and close the door behind her right as she held onto the rung. "I never wanted this, you know," Luan started, drifting her gaze to the laptop. "The drama, the panic attack, the… dropping out… all of this."

"But  here we are anyway." Luna settled on the mattress, leaning back against the pillow. She shoved her hand into her sweater. "How's your head?"

"Still aching." She responded rather awkwardly.

Nobody dared to speak up. Not after that. Luna opened the lock screen to her phone, greeted by the familiar sight of Mick on her home screen. Should she… walk out? A part of her contemplated, but with the way Luan was acting, something told her she wanted something.

And for a moment, the tiniest glint of hope lit through her. Pave the way, sis. She thought.

Not trying to be too ambitious though, Luna frowned, watching Luan's back as she shut her laptop off. She was so near, yet so far. "Then what's up?"

"Nothing…" Luan started sheepishly, holding back on the slight tingling at the corners of her mouth. Although it would be a little off the shelf, it was something Luna wouldn't reject. She liked giving those whenever she had the chance.

Plus, there was nothing better she could have right now.

She pursed her lips and rested her arms on the bed. "My back hurts." She started, giving Luna a knowing look. "Could you…?"

Luna shook her head, a soft, half-hearted chuckle leaving her lips. She put her phone down, trying to overlook the elephant in the room. Her smile covered up the millions of questions she wanted to ask. How did the panic even begin? When did it start? How'd it feel like? What did the counselor tell you apart from the letter? What about—"Sure, dude. Get up here."

Upon climbing up, there was a slip of light bathing the vacant wall, one she shadowed as she positioned herself cross-legged before her older sister.

The tension was squeezing into the midst of their silence. And for a room that held the loudest, most chaotic, performers of the Loud house, Luan could hear her breathe, notice the slightest shift in it, like she was holding it in. Or maybe she was just overthinking. She felt Luna shift behind her, probably into a more comfortable position before a pair of hands pressed her shoulders.

"Where does it hurt?"

"In my heart," She joked and got a half-hearted scoff in response. "But seriously… start with the shoulders."

Say no more, that's what she heard in Luna's silence. Wordlessly, Luna pressed her thumbs onto the knots on Luan's shoulders, her calloused fingers kneading the muscles near her neck with deftness she was all too familiar with.

And just like the magic her hands brought, given an instrument to play, the world was swept under her feet. All of the bridled tension in the room vanished as Luan's eyes fluttered; every bridled thought of the need for connection, of worry for rejection, gone in that instant. Luan didn't know if playing instruments and massages were connected, but God, she had to admit Luna had talent lying in her hands. Her shredding was so rough, it could shrill through your spine, but her massages, even the softest ones, could turn you boneless.

"So… you done writing your letter?" Luna's voice cut through the fog in Luan's head.

Good start. Good start. "Yeah…" She said. "Just hope it gets, you know, approved."

Luna's hands drifted to the palm of her back, and she sunk back to her touch. Why was she so worked up again? Why were they so awkward lately? "With the way you wrote that? Rivers would prob offer ya counseling too." She slowed her movements down, and the air shifted. "So... all of that happened to you, huh?"

Noticing Luan's shoulders stiffening at the acknowledgment, she placed her hands back up to loosen her up. She remembered that music report; knew there was no point in reminding Luan again that she was around to help. That they all liked feeling useful in their fields, that there was nothing she could do or ask to become a burden, especially over that.

But it's not her to let anything out. Luan went up thinking of solutions to everything. If it wasn't something she could fix, then it wasn't something to be talked about.

"Is this program just like the one we took a year ago?" Luna changed the subject, not wanting to open the door for darkness now. She only had a vague idea about how homeschooling worked. When mom and dad signed them up for it, it was a specialized school made for students like that. Not… a public school offering the same. "When we were so caught up in the fuzz of Lola sleeping in, we wanted to do the same?"

"Somewhat." Luan chuckled. "Someone just has to go to the school every week to return the workbooks while I get new ones. Just like back then."

"Lucky bastard." Luna snidely commented. "Maybe I should just play dictator in class too."

Luan snickered, turning her head to the side to glance at her. "Sure, go ahead, be mentally ill with me."

Mentally ill. Luna frowned. About time she was finally acknowledging it.

For all Luan could downplay it, she wasn't in the right headspace. Luna shook her head in disapproval; that joke was just calling out for help. She could see right through it.

Rain softly pelleted against the roof, filling what little sounds there were in the room. "It's not that easy to get approved, you know," Luan started, slouching as Luna kneaded her lower back. Time felt strangely slow. "Cheryl said there were five qualifications."

Heck, they even doubted Luan's case was exempted and accepted. There were three conditions in order to avail that homeschooling program they had; you either had to be a student who was pregnant, mentally disabled, or working at the same time. "They'd probably accept Leni over me." She chided, scratching the small itch on her neck.

In realization, Luna nodded slowly. "Then… how'd you get this far?"

"Mom was really giving it her all to convince them." Luan smiled proudly; remind her to thank Lincoln and Lisa for the mini PowerPoint and behavioral charts they provided to back it up. And mom… for really letting her fighting spirit out there. "Principal Rivers gave in and said she could try… as long as I wrote a letter explaining my experiences."

Experiences. Like… not being mentally stable.

Never mind. Luna thought to herself, her hands still running through her back. I've stopped askin'.

She didn't know if Luna felt it, but it was there. The all so dreaded dead air. It wasn't just her enemy on stage, but in talks too. In conversations.

It was happening more often than not.

It wasn't a peaceful silence either. Pressure built in the air she inhaled, like it was a pillow she was breathing into. A push that put her on edge; maybe it was just a foreshadowing of what was about to come.

Her mind worked furiously for a conversation go-getter. Anything that connected, anything to open the gates to that talk.

Ding.

Three years ago was when Luna shifted from being the calmest, most level-headed of them all, to the loudest Loud in the fam. Behind that door, though, the old her slept, and that same kid used to love studying not only music, but something nobody would ever associate the punk rocker, rock god Luna Loud with: psychology.

More because it was prevalent in the music community. But still.

What Luna embellished to the outsiders about her first Mick Swagger concert, Luan knew what laid behind the scenes. To the family, that's what it looked like: a one-day decision, spur of the moment, and Luna didn't make it any better by retelling it like it was a princess finding her prince charming story to sound cool.

The story stretched way long before that though. Luna had been confused, wondering who she really was, because at the time, she didn't feel 'right'. And where the internet was at its peak, right about the time they were budding into teenagers, Luna found love in rock. Only Luan knew about all the groups, the communities she was in, and it was even a little inside joke between them. That was back when online forums were less protected and punk rock fans were more or less, edgy. In the rule of being a musician back in those days, pain was a creative's best friend, and the more emo you were, the better.

So, she did research back then, finding it intriguing that problems like depression, anxiety, and bipolar disorder were real. And in the times when they were susceptible to the attack of hormonal craziness, let's just say, for every little question or bout of anxiety that floated through Luna's head, she searched it up thinking it was a disorder.

That, and with the wave of quirky online tests flooding the internet in its prime, she was obsessed with finding a new name for herself. A new Luna Loud.

If there was anyone in this house who knew what it was like to lose a soul and regain it, it was her.

"Luna?" She couldn't see her face, but almost felt the quirk in her brow.

"Hm?"

Despite her punk persona now, the nerd in her was still there. Sleeping somewhere. "Remember when you zoned out in class once and thought you had DID?"

"Ow!" Luna squeezed her shoulders a little too tightly; ooh, that one was personal.

"Don't remind me." She warned with a low growl, before dropping her hands from her back. That was a scare; can't believe that phase even happened, or why Luan would even remind her of it again. Back to her reminiscing tirades, huh? Luna crossed her arms on her chest with a defensive snarl. "What's it to ya?"

Where else should she begin? How does she even start this? Luan pushed herself off Luna and shifted until her back was pressed against the flag on the wall. "Do you still remember that stuff you read about behavior?"

Luna's scowl faltered. Psych. It was cool, it was self-awakening. Plus, it came in handy when she needed to console someone, yeah.

But it was a side of her she hadn't kept in touch with for ages.

She read Luan's nervous demeanor, the way she rubbed her arm, how her foot wriggled unconsciously like Charles' tail when he was agitated or playful. What was she up to? "Why?"

Luan felt her palms brush onto the wool blanket, letting herself feel it for a moment. It was real, as everything was. She thought back to where she was before ending up here… and never mind.

Luna waited, the weight was heavy on her shoulders as she watched, back to being suffocated. It was growing old to her, seeing Luan this solemn, or contemplative.

Then she began, clasping her cold, tingly palms together."It's just…Have you ever felt like there's just something itching away at you, and you wanna know what it is, but can't put it into words? It makes you think you're going mad, like… like something in your head is beginning to rot?"

Luna's eyebrows knit in thought; beginning to rot? That was a horrifying description. "I mean, yeah, I've felt frustrated over a feeling I can't describe… why? Issues with writing the feels or something?"

There was a perk in rooming with someone who studied behavior. Sometimes when Luan was lazy, she just asked her for a dose of introspective thought, in case a scene in her script needed it.

Please be the case now. Luna mentally pleaded to the skies.

Luan shook her head, and her heart dropped into her stomach. Oh, no.

"Speak up. I can't read your mind." A hint of conflict tinged her voice. Luan was sick, both in the body and the mind, like that letter mentioned… but brain rotting?  Those weren't two words that should go together. Amid growing worry, she leaned in, locking eyes with Luan, waiting for her response.

She was one step from uttering the truth. But the search returned to her. Luan sharply inhaled. Would she ever understand, something this strange? Would she even try to at this point? She pressed a clump of the sheet on her first. The atmosphere would've calmed her down, she would've considered it heavenly, but now it felt like nothing. A part of her hesitated, what if Luna judged it? What if she thought she was crazy?

You came all this way to coward out now. Push it. "I'm just… there's some part of my head that's going dry. I'm forgetting things I know I shouldn't. And nowadays it's like I can't form new memories." Luan took a deep breath in, her hands growing colder. "And... and everything feels so unreal. Like it's all just one big nightmare."

Luna's eyebrows shot up. Unlike her sister, she didn't always need a reason for why things that happened were the way they were. Live and let live. "This funk you're in is drivin' you to insanity, I get it." She followed, leaning over, her elbows pressing her thighs. "All you need is to slow down, you know. Let life be. Your head's shifting gears faster than it can handle. It'll fly outta control eventually."

"No, I mean it. Everything feels like a dream." Luna tilted her head in confusion. Shoot, too late, too late. We can't rewind; half of the milk's been spilled, might as well pour it all out. "These walls, this bed… all of you, don't feel real. I don't feel real."

Luna blinked, looking stunned; asking her to repeat through the twitch in her eyebrows.

And Luan's heart dropped into her stomach.

Then as if Luna took the cue of silence, her face twisted. She looked... betrayed. "What do you mean nothing's real? That I'm not real? I wouldn't be here listening to you yap if I wasn't!"

"I never said I was." Luan retorted, her breaths growing shallow. God, I'm going crazy. She massaged her temples. And she won't believe me. "I'm still…I'm still questioning if this conversation is real or not. Or... if it's just a dream. And I know it's silly, and I know I shouldn't be thinking like this because everything is real but I can't help but feel like... like it isn't!"

Her frustration warred into concern. She was spiraling, again. She couldn't let that happen. Luna sprung forward, squeezing Luan's shoulder gently. "Relax, relax... just... clear the muddle for me, yeah? When did ya start feelin' this way?"

Luna's face was pained like she was a second away from crying. That sent a shot of trepidation through Luan's stomach. Please don't. "I don't remember..." She knew how ironic her answer was, it was almost funny. Luan tried surfing through the first time she had a strange encounter with her mind, all to no avail. But she couldn't just keep Luna on edge, not after all this. 

Finally, she breathed out uncertainly. "Few months ago, maybe?"

Her sister's mental state had always been anyone's guess. She knew Luan was cunning, wearing layers beneath layers, but this was...uncalculated. Even Luan herself was mind-boggled. Lost.

And that only aggravated her even more. She dipped her head slightly to look Luan in the eyes. This was bogus! Beyond that! "How far is a few months ago, dude?" She spat out impatiently, her hand still on her shoulder. "You're telling me this fever you're having doesn't feel real to you? Those weeks in training, those times we'd go out of that joking around? The recognition, the fest, everything? You don't think that happened? You don't think that was real?"

Luan's eyes glazed over, but that moment of silence held significant meaning.

"Luan?" Luna gently dropped her hand. She needed clarification. She needed Luan to say it, though. "Dude."

"No..." Luan looked at her, shaking her head slowly. "None of it felt real."

Oh. Luna wanted to laugh for a split second. Haha, very funny, brah, what's the punchline? There's no punchline? What do you mean there's no punchline? The line had its punch—and it hurts, I felt it—so that has to be the joke, right?

It all came flooding back. So, that's why her eyes looked distant lately. Why, despite everything they went through, Luan looked like she had the world at an arm's length away from her. That's why she'd been so spazzed out, so sluggish. It wasn't the fever meds, it wasn't the sleep deprivation. There was something genuinely wrong in Luan's head.

There was something genuinely wrong in her head. 

Her face scrunched up like she was smacked hard enough to leave a print on her face. It was a sunny afternoon after Luan's breakdown, and Luna was dragged to discuss related matters to Mom and Dad. Lincoln and Lisa theorized that Luan had depression. That all those times she self-sabotaged was a result of her declining health. And in the pit of her helplessness, bubbled frustration. Luan let herself go without even knowing.

They were all paying the price. She could hardly stand it then. But that was nothing more in comparison to this. What could she do? How does she deal? Luna dropped her hands, feeling her emotions rise like bile. Why are you even telling me this?  She couldn't help but think. What do you want me to do, dude?

When her sibs needed it, she always knew the answers—sometimes, pretending that she did with a quote, with a lullaby. But this was different. This wasn't just something you could fix with a word of advice and a hug. How do you respond when somebody you grew up with just… tells you they don't think you're a real person anymore? That someone, the one you shared a room and an entire childhood with, just tells you right off the bat that you feel like a robot to them? This was about a headspace Luan was stuck in, for a long time, and only now is she realizing that, now that she's off the deep end. Just a little too late. 

Amid silent rage, it clicked in her. There was only one person who could help now.

"We're getting Brainbox." Luna spat out and turned over to the edge of the bed. She threw her legs off the edge of the bunk, ready to storm out into the loo and think all this through before coming to another dumb decision.

Just as Luna was about to hop out, Luan jolted, a gasp tearing from her lips. Not part of the plan! "Luna, wait!"

She gripped Luna's arm, who whipped her head to face her. Their eyes locked for a second. There was a hint of impatience and hurt in hers. What? "We don't need to involve Lisa in this... T-there's one thing you can do."

A major part of Luna magnetically inclined to stay where she sat. What was that?

"Can I…" Luan sharply turned her head away; a faint flush appearing on her cheeks. "Can I get a hug?"

...

…Say what now?      

Chapter Text

Lyrics to: Fallen Angel—Three Days Grace (2015)

It was such a simple request. So vulnerable, so guard-lowering.

In a stupor, she could only blink. Luan, wanting one? She was bordering delusion, probably psychosis, and this was supposed to help her? "H-how would that even help?"

"I… I searched it up, and… I'll explain it later, just—" As it began to register in her mind, Luna drank the tentative stare in front of her, how she furrowed her eyebrows, darting her eyes away and back to hers as she scooted closer. "I know it's out of the blue, but–can I? Can we?"

The rain furiously crashed down their roof, and not even the noisy buzz of the heater could help. There was a coiling tension in the air as Luna read Luan's face, pallid and somber. The slight pinch in her eyebrows, the want in it all. She wanted love, needed it; and she had more than enough to give her. So much of it she saved up because she couldn't show it.

How could she just throw that chance away?

Coming out of her stupor, Luna hesitantly brought herself back into the bed. She was still puzzled about how this all connected; the idea of everything Luan mentioned was like a fever dream, and she wanted to believe that it was. All induced by her sickness. But that was false hope. A false God she couldn't worship even if she suspended her disbelief.

Luna splayed her legs across the mattress, before patting the vacant space on her bed. With a silent exchange between their flitting eyes, Luan shifted closer to her, an inch from meeting her open arms. Without waiting for another second, Luna gently scooped her into an embrace. In surprise, she felt Luan stiffen at the move, but eventually, she gave in. Luna propped her chin on her shoulder, instantly taking notice of the feverish heat radiating from her.

"You look like you could use it more than the meds." Luna tried to alleviate the atmosphere, earning a mirthless chuckle from her sister.

Their bodies were awkward and their muscles strained in the position, with Luan's folded and Luna stressing the muscles on her hips. It took only a brief second before Luna pulled back, feeling a cramp creep in.

Instead, she slid down the bed to lie down, before pulling a pillow from the lower bunk and setting it beside hers. Puffing it up enough to look tempting, before draping her arm over it. "Change spots, brah. Lie with me."

A spark of hope lit up in her chest. She was this close to having Luna walk away. This was her chance to reconnect all over. She wasn't gonna throw it out of the wind now, not with her insisting like this.

Luan couldn't help the gentle smile spreading on her lips. When she meant hug, she meant cuddle. Let Lucy chastise her for that one.

Giving in, Luan scooted over and leaned back on the pillow; blocked by the contact of Luna's arm. With a little turn to the side, she found herself nuzzling the crook of her neck. Luna's arm snaked around her body like a protective shield, and like sauna air to an iceberg, a warm, fuzzy feeling thawed the coldness in her soul. Is this what it felt like to be me again? Even if just for a brief second? Luan draped an arm over her, eyelids drifting shut to embrace the feeling of it all. The wool sweater tickling her arm, the heaving of her chest, the cold sensation of her paperclip earring prodding her forehead. It was… peaceful.

But it didn't last long. It never did, and ironically, the reason why it didn't this time, was because of her fear of it drifting far too soon.

Feeling a certain sense of security she hadn't let herself feel forever, she let the emotional ride pool her eyes with warmth. She didn't wanna go. She didn't wanna return to where things felt dreamlike. If this was a dream, this was the only one she'd take. She didn't wanna let go.

To think Luna was about to though, just like that, the moment she opened up, it stung.

"S'it working?"

Luan felt Luna's neck vibrate against her forehead; a sense of hope tinged in her voice.

Luan inhaled the subtle hint of cologne on Luna's neck, familiarity sinking in. This is real. She felt like a child discovering the world in its bareness. Luan took note of Luna's gentle hand patting her.This is real. She told herself and the sinking in her chest grew. To think Luna was just about to leave…to think that she thought this was all hopeless. She probably deserved it though; she took herself too far off the edge, making sure to keep her mental suicide secret until she was hanging off the cliff, barely beyond their reach to save.

The fear quelling inside had to be the most real sensation of it all.

"Is it true…?"

Luna's heart skipped as she heard her croaked voice. "What is?"

Luan began tremble in her hold; was it from the fever or was it something else? "Leni told me… you were tired of all the drama. She was too, but she said you'd given up. That you're tired of dealing with me, all this." Luan reluctantly lifted herself up to rest on her shoulder instead, in an attempt to catch sight of her face. "Is that true?"

The interval of her pats lengthened but never ceased.

Yes, but… no. "Leni told you that?" She caught a glimpse of the tremble in Luan's chin. Dang it. "She just misunderstood. What reason would I have to ever drop you when you're falling apart?"

Isn't falling apart a reason enough?  Luan's breath hitched, and she tucked her face onto her neck. It was quiet, without warning when Luna felt a stream of tears sliding down her skin. So warm, it made her freeze. She was so touched by what was partly a lie. How many times had she overlooked this? How many times had she said, 'I'm done, let the others deal with this'?

On second thought, how could she ever leave? Luan was quiet, too quiet, but she could feel her back hitch, her grip around her waist tightening. She could walk away, but her heart would somehow drift back here anyway. She could look this through and ignore it, but below all that, she still cared. More than she ever wanted to.

"Why?" Luna rubbed her bare arm gently, goosebumps prickling under her fingertips. What'd the words have that triggered her? "Are you… scared I was just gonna abandon you like that?" She wasn't expecting much of an answer, considering her state, but it did elicit a small, but unmistakable nod from her.

Her heart twanged painfully; yes.

After her initial reaction to this? She couldn't blame her.

"Luan, come on, sis…" Her voice came out raspy, apologetic. She didn't know what she was pushing for. For forgiveness? For her attention, so she could vow to better? She pulled back gently to watch her face, but Luan was adamant about her staying still, her arms tightening, not letting up. This wasn't like the last talk, where she was the one who drove. This one was all on her, all on the trust Luan still carried for her. It was foreign to her, having to be the end receiver of such affection from the one who always refused it. All Luna could do was pull her in impossibly close; each wheeze, each whimper sending tendrils of pain into her heart.

Maybe this'd be enough to show her I won't.

"I was getting tired of riding through the motions," Luna admitted sheepishly, unsure if Luan was even paying attention. "But don't think I was gonna just quit on you. I don't have the heart to do that, you know that."

With a sniffle, Luan finally pulled back. Nothing scared her more than the idea of being dumped, by her own family. Her sister. She'd already lost enough.

Since her panic attack, Luna hadn't gotten a good look at Luan at all. She tried not to look too deep into it, afraid of the things she'd find. Her stomach churned at the sight; Luan was feverishly warm, sickly pale, and the eyes. Luna's breath caught. If Luan's claiming to have seen things behind a glass pane, then she could see it now. The window to her soul, tainted with fog, with pink. So distant, yet so hurt all at once.

"This is no way to live." Luna shook her head in frustration, her own emotions rising in her throat. She coaxed her tears away with her thumb, making the sacrificial move to wipe her nose with her sweater.

Luan sniffled. "I know...I'm sorry."

The simplicity of the words struck an arrow to the heart. It sounded so defeatist. Hopeless. The real her would've joked about it by now, or at least denied it if she couldn't. Yet somehow she was apologetic? Luna couldn't even speak up; the worst part about it was asking herself if this was a good sign, or was it bad.

She stared at the blank ceiling, letting the silence speak for itself. For once, Luan was acknowledging the pain. She was finally looking at it the way it was, and seeking a way out of it. That was courage. A type that not even her most daring pranks could set. The type of courage that carried true bravery, because Luan's definition of it was so twisted, she mixed it up with cowardice.

But at the same time, it insinuated more than admission; than acceptance.

It sounded like quitting.

Their breaths synchronized through the tippity-tap of rain on the window. Good things don't just drop from the sky. There were so many questions left unanswered, and now that Luan seemed sane enough—stable enough—it might just be the right time to know.

After a moment of silence, Luna shifted slightly on the bed. She's burning up. "So… 'bout that thing," She stole a glance at her little sister, cautious with her next words. Don't drive her away now. "How's this s'posed to help?"

"It'll keep me grounded." Luna furrowed her eyebrows. Grounded, huh. What'd that mean? How do you even get to the point where you have to ground yourself like that? She'd expect that in a fit of panic, or the moments counting down a major gig, but when you were still? "I've been doing it with other things too."

Other things? She instinctively squeezed Luan's shoulder. "Like…?"

"I've been… touching grass, I guess. Just trying to tell myself I'm not seeing holograms and wallpapers." Luan let the words hang in the air. She wanted to say more, but no words would come. 

Luna couldn't help but grimace. Her eyes narrowed in a sort of resentment for the feeling Luan described. She watched True Crime films with Sam on movie nights a lot, and knew how the mind worked somewhat, but never had she heard a perspective that eccentric. That didn't sound okay. That sounded mentally ill, or even more so than that.

Cynicism paved the way for concern, and it grew like a balloon inflated by mouth. "What does that even look like? 'Cuz to me, you're making it sound like you're far off the deep end 'lucinating."

What did it look like?

A disorienting mix of feeling every little thing and nothing at all. Her senses were numbed out, yet heightened at once. On the outside, the walls were stage play backdrops; the road was cardboard against her feet. On the inside, it was too vivid. Blink once, blink twice, somehow her perception was rewired. Feel the wall, stroke it, run a finger down; any second now it'll pass through. It'll reveal itself to be a hologram.

If there ever was a glass door between the soul and the living body, Luan must've lost it. Inhale, exhale; it scared her to feel how vividly her lungs pumped just to survive. Inhale, her muscles tensed. Exhale, it relaxed. It felt weird. Make it stop. Within darkness, she could feel each beat of her heart thump. Heck, when she'd done nothing but nap this week, she could even feel the blood run through her veins, ba-dum, ba-dum, ba-dum, around her temples and wrists.

Luan had heard it from Lucy before, in her ramble about wicked facts, that if the eyes found out the immune system existed, it'd shut down entirely. She wondered if that would happen next. On the nights she stared up in the dark, eaten alive by the winter fever, the thought crossed her more times than she could count. What if my life was heading to the sunset? What if this was it? Was this it?

I don't think dying makes you hypersensitive, though. Luan thought. She knew it was silly, to be dramatic like that, but she still couldn't help but ask it on instinct. Does it?

Her forehead pressed Luna's neck, relishing the warmth that radiated from her. "It's… I don't know. You'd have to experience it yourself. It's too hard to explain."

She already carried a reputation at home and school for being a nutcase, even if her siblings never admitted it. That'd just further fuel the allegations and the judgment. "B-but I'm not crazy, believe me."

Kinda hard to, brah.

Luna rubbed Luan's arm to soothe her. She wanted to know more but didn't wanna ask, because it would hilt her far deeper off the end of her self-blame, her sense of helplessness.

"I believe ya." Luna mused. Sounds like she didn't need a solution, for now, just reassurance. "This stuff sounds bizarre to me, sure, but that doesn't mean I look at you any less. I get it; the colors lost their glow, and the stars just lost their magic."

A comforting wave of silence sifted into the atmosphere. She liked this more than she wanted to admit; when was the last time they did this?

Luan nuzzled her shoulder, finding a home in the familiarity of her sister. Luna's chuckle floated through the air before fading into the mist, and a smile graced her face when Luna mindlessly played with the stray strands of her hair.  It was foggy and she couldn't remember when. The thought may have been lost in this amnesia wave, but the sensations were still there. It crept up on her like a niggling phantom just at the end of her tail, calling out.

"This is reminding me of something." Luan tore the silence with a frustrated grumble, her eyes narrowing in thought. "I just can't remember what."

Her voice took a desperate turn in the end. She carried her sense of self-preservation, deep down in there. Somewhere down, despite all the numbness, something was clawing its way out. Some part of her was still there, for sure. Luna's chest rose a little higher with her deep breath. It's not like you could just lose it all like that, regardless of substantiality. Unless God forbid, it's a tumor or something.

"All those times you'd come to me after a bad dream... is that ringing a bell?" Luna asked hopingly.

"Sort of." Luan shook her head. "Forget it."

Memory loss, huh… was this part of the depression package?

With each step deeper into the conversation, her energy drained out. It was a game she couldn't win. Luan and her just weren't compatible like that to the point where they'd vibe without suffocating each other for too long. She was too crazy, spiraling whichever direction she took next. Luna may have put Loud in the house, but Luan knew nothing about the word, 'down-to-earth.' It was always up to her to pull her down; remind her to stop acting quipping in the middle of family brawls, to stop kidding in the middle of family feuds. With that flighty, imaginative brain of hers, it was always up to her, to pull Luan down to Earth.

At least the old her had a zest for life. She admired that presence, as much as it annoyed her, and now she could only look back. How do I wake you up, dude? She thought sadly. How do I… How do I spark your fire again? Remind you of what's there to live for?

Better yet, how can I call myself the life of the party if I can't push it out of you now?

Luna's thumb unconsciously stroked patterns on her elbow. She was radiant in the fest, though; was that all just for show?

Not knowing what else to do, she closed her eyes, humming to a tune. A familiar tune that brimmed from the very depths of her heart. It just came so naturally, the words slipped through her mouth. It was a song she loved the beat to, never had she known it'd ever be dedicated to someone… that being Luan out of all people.

For a preacher, is an enabler. Maybe telling Luan that they were hurting too didn't work. And telling her could never be enough even if she could articulate it. It wouldn't capture the utter heartbreak, the fear crackling in her bones to hear her say she was going mad. She was descending, falling, slipping from her grasp.

The world closed in, and the rain faded into the background. She could feel her breath brushing through her neck, searing hot with the fever that tortured her for so long. The unsteady pattern of her breaths, deep breath in, quick breath out, indicated that she was still awake, and worse, uneasy. Well, so was she. How could she ever know?

"How do you stay so strong?

How did you hide it all for so long?"

Luan's heart skipped a beat at the quiver in her voice, but she stayed still.

"How can I take the pain away?

How can I save

A fallen angel, in the dark

Never thought you'd fall so far..."

Her voice wavered completely now, and if Luan hadn't felt anything for days other than depression, now there was a new flame. Pursing her lips, she found Luna's hand, bumping through the inconvenient bumps of her rings.

This time, it was Luna's turn to freeze up. In a split second though, she returned the gesture and squeezed her hand. Luan was responding to it, as she expected. They both knew why. 

With a pause, Luna pulled her head to face her, and their gazes held each other with a tenderness they normally wouldn't have shown if not for the circumstances of the present.

A touched grin formed on Luan's face. "I-is that for me?" Because it hurts. A lot. 

Luna nodded softly, and... Luan despised her heart for refusing to flutter. 

"You want me to continue?" Luna asked, her voice strained.

The song wasn't her dig, but the emotion behind them, and the emotion in her sister's words drew her in. Luan simply nodded, waiting as her feet grew colder.

Anything to feel. Painful, or not. Just hit me. She thought almost desperately.

"O-okay." Luna drew in a deep breath, trying to compose herself again. She opened her eyes to the sight of the empty ceiling above her, where Mick Swagger should've been encouraging her. He'd tell her to rock on, and say 'if you can't say it, then sing it.'

Do it for her.

The voice pushed her. Luan was listening. She was listening for once. And pulling closer! This was a good sign!

The pain grazed her throat painfully, and she didn't even notice that tears were already falling. All that mattered right now, was letting this out. Because Luan was going haywire, and her wounds were opening cuts Luna didn't even know she could have. It wasn't the school she was mad at. She wasn't even mad at all anymore. She just wanted that prankster back, even if that meant landing on whoopee cushions every morning.

Flashes of all the red flags tinted at the highest saturation came back to her. When she closed Funny Business to focus on school, she should've known that was a sign. Or the time she clocked out while listening to a song of hers that one evening. How her eyes constantly glazed over it became a new annoying habit. The hurt in it when she brushed off the honor roll as nothing, and…

"I was right beside you

When you went to hell and back again

I was right beside you

When you went to hell and back again

And I, I couldn't save, a fallen angel"

Even her breaths heaved as every lyric, every note, every quaver in the verses slipped into her ear. It was so clear; it was right by her side; it couldn't be ignored. Every choked gasp in between it.

"A fallen angel, in the dark

Never thought you'd fall so far"

Luan shivered, and Luna rolled to her side and cradled her protectively. Their embrace was taut; she could feel her Luna tremble and wheeze, and she had to resist, she had to ignore that void gnawing at her again. 

She rested her chin atop Luan's head, stroking her back in steady motions as her breaths hitched again. It's okay… it's okay. I'm here for you, dude. I never left.

"Fallen angel, close your eyes

I won't let you fall tonight…"

It was then, that the game of hide-and-seek was over. Luna couldn't continue the song anymore. Her breaths trembled and her heart ached with a force never this heavy before. It hurt too much. It was agonizing to be in a situation where you watch change pass through your very eyes. It wasn't even about change itself. It was about seeing someone so dear to you, die before your eyes, and there's nothing. Nothing you can do to carry even a pinch of their pain. 

She gulped, ignoring the streaks that traced a trail down from her eyes to the pillow. Stand strong, Luna chided herself. Luan needs you more than ever, you can't break down.

Through that song piece, Luan could tell that Luna had her whole heart to pour out, and she did. And there they lay, in great silence, still reeling from the magnitude of it all.

Luna's breathing was slow and heavy... almost like...

No...

Despite the distance, the wall they'd built within their sisterhood for quite some time, at that moment it was gone. She found Luna's back, and rubbed it through the hitches, through the sniffles that escaped her. Luan couldn't reassure her that this connection was enough, that her empathy was enough to wake her out of apathy. Through it all, she still felt far from the moment. So, she closed her eyes, trying to fill that gap in her soul by using the connection she had right now. Let me feel. Let me feel!

They lay in that position for a time, interrupted briefly by the sounds of footsteps and bickering outside the four walls. Still, despite the embarrassment of getting walked in on this, neither of them wanted to let go. Like two magnets finding their way back together.

Today was messy. Luna shifted first, pulling back slightly to check on Luan. Her form still shuddered from the cold, but not as greatly as before.

When Luan felt it, she pulled her arms back and curled them to her chest, returning Luna's stare. She felt like a child again, cradled, protected. And she didn't like it. She loved it. "Do you have any plans today?"

Luna pursed her lips and shook her head. "Why'sat?"

Luan didn't bother answering that, and in a rare moment of affection, she pressed herself on Luna's body, curling her arms to her chest like a cowering little girl; far from the same psycho who always pulled pranks on them.

Suppose Mick said it best. Even musicians need silence to wanna return to the groove.

Luna closed her slacked jaw and smiled. This couldn't be faked. No way. She cradled Luan's head, reminded of when this happened last. That was years ago, how old were they…? And it was over something petty too, lightning likely.

As you grow older, the probs just get bigger. That's what they'd always say. "You want company, don't ya?" Luna teased, twirling the tip of her ponytail.

Luan groaned, looking up at her. "Don't rub it in like that."

"What did we just talk about?" She kicked her softly on the shin. It was so alien to be this close to her, even when they shared a room and a bed. Every chance Luan would give her, I'm so doing this again." It's alright if you wanna hang with your inner child, y'know. Nothing bad with a lil' cuddling."

Luan pouted playfully.

Their legs tangled, leaving no space for the cold to seep in. Through the socks, Luan's heat scorched her like a hand above boiling water. Lisa better be right with how they were treating her. Because the meds were growing but this fever wasn't wearing out. As stupid as it sounded, maybe it wasn't the paracetamol she needed most. Maybe it was love, like that one movie. The warmest hug can thaw a frozen heart.

"I really hope this is helping you." Luna perched her chin on Luan's head.

"Oh, it is." Luan smiled. She'd felt love before, that warm fuzzy feeling you get cooking with your dad and serving the whole table; or when your baby sister giggled over a joke you made, or when your little brother made a special comic of all of you with intricate designs and character profiles. Considering her senses were dampened, this didn't elicit the same burst of affection- far from it, sadly- but it was a good start. "I wanna do this more often."

Luna's chest thumped. She giggled, skin tickled by the strands of brown. "Yeah?"

The shivering stopped completely, and her breaths grew steady and slow. If this was the break Luan so needed, she didn't complain. Guess Sam was right. Growing apart was all they needed to pull it together.

It didn't take long before Luan yawned. Luna couldn't guess what the time was but it was most likely mid-afternoon by now. How much time passed? She shifted slightly, only for Luan to press herself closer. "Don't go."

She patted her back soothingly, the cozy atmosphere of a chilly winter lulling her into a nap too. "Never said I would." Luna felt her arm tingling. "Can you… change pose real quick? Kinda losing blood flow here."

Despite all the fights, and the push and pulls of their dynamic, it all worked out in the end. Whatever made Luan change her mind and open up, Luna thanked her for an eternity. They could worry about telling the others later; heck, that consideration didn't even cross Luna's mind. Her arm circled Luan's frail frame, inwardly cringing at how delicate she'd become. It's like you could snap her in half.

Good thing about it though, was that despite Luan resting her head on her chest, it didn't affect her breathing at all.

Luna stared affectionately at her younger sister with hooded eyes, growing drowsy herself. She felt Luan's body grow slack on top of her. Through the breakout of zits on her face, and despite the hollowness in her eyes, Luna could've sworn she saw a hint of a smile on her face. That could've just been her seeing things though.

The arm that wrapped around her hip loosened up. She was falling asleep if she hadn't already.

"Love you."

Luna froze, stunned for a moment. Nope, you're really seeing this.

She smiled lovingly, and, making the move, she pecked the top of Luan's forehead. You're full of surprises, lil' sis.

"Love ya too, dudette."

Chapter Text

February 19

Dear Diary,

Haven't seen me in a while, have you?

Things have been…well, rough on me. Next thing you know, I'm getting homeschooled and school sick ( get it? :p)

But seriously.

I feel bad for abandoning you; only to pick you back up now that I'm struggling. You're a diary though, so I don't think it matters. According to lots of sources (including my baby sis, and my younger brother and his best bud), writing here even when I have nothing to say will help a lot. So… Here's day one of trying.

I don't wanna have to repeat everything I've said before, but let's just say that lately, I've been on a complete shutdown. My family so far is the only social life I have left (and trust me, it's more than I ask for), and I've been delusional (in the worst way possible). Things aren't making sense as they should; memories feel like they never happened, the present feels like déjà vu, and the future...what's that?

Luan flipped to another page, finding an old Polaroid selfie of her and the thespians on one random day. She smiled wistfully. They totally understood. She just needed time.

But that's not what caught her attention, though.

She zoomed into the photo of her on the left. The eyes… Lucy was right. They could see it in her eyes. The window to the soul. To hers.

Unlike what she saw every time she looked into a mirror, here, she looked… happier. A certain type of glow laid in her eyes, a charm she couldn't pinpoint. Maybe her eyes drooped less then. Not as sunken. This was only a year ago, when they were freshmen, and somehow… she looked younger by a few years beyond one.

Shifting on her bed, she flipped back to her unfinished entry and when the keyboard slipped up into the screen, continued writing.

If I were to see me now, she'd probably joke about how I look like a candle burnt to the bottom of the wick.

But she'd be right. My lifestyle changed drastically when I got approved for homeschooling. It's both a good and bad thing. At least now, I have more sleep privileges (to my siblings' chagrin), and I feel lightweight now that my projects don't involve groups. The only bad thing is that, with my panic attacks coming more frequently than I should, Lisa advised me to stop drinking coffee because it triggered palpitations... and unsolicited anxiety.

She didn't expect me to listen (lol because, come on! Caffeine is addictive!) So, Mom and Dad put their foot down for me, and so did my siblings.

"Kids! Lunch is ready!"

Oop, this is my time, diary. I'd tell you a joke about leaving and taking a car but you're a digital book so-

Bye for now!

"Man, I miss your jokes already," The dish clanged as Lynn placed the ninth one in the cupboard. "Come on, say something!"

"Something." Luan laughed through her nose, glancing at her frowning sister. "There, I said it."

"Ha, ha. Ha, ha." Lucy said.

Later on, Luan climbed up the stairs, ready to crash early just because she could.

Lately, I've been practicing things to fight against my head. Every mundane little thing, I've been trying to make sense of (sometimes it's a bad thing when it's a body ache I'm psychoanalyzing). Guess you could say, I'm not really living, just surviving.

But I try.

"Wiwy, want fun!"

Luan looked down as the tot tugged at her skirt, her face pouty and demeanor downcast. A small smile graced her features. I'll try.

Even if it's just a recycled joke I made two years ago. It was newborn Lily's favorite. "What do you call the place infants live? Baby-lawn!"

Lily laughed at anything anyway; she was too young to understand how much it meant to her. How much it disappointed her that she didn't feel good hearing the laughter. Not when the joke was unoriginal, and her delivery was flat.

Putting her down when she got fussy, Lily babbled and rushed back to her room. In just a few months, she was already such a pro at walking and pranking.

Baby steps.

Back to square one. I have to relearn everything I learned from clown school, from all my years of academic research, pranking, and stand-up. It's harsh, but… I'll get there. Hopefully.

Heck, it doesn't even matter at this point. All she wanted was to feel alive again.

Not a second later, as she hovered a hand over her doorknob, Lily called her from her room. "Take a wook!"

Her head was aching as it had since the first dizzy spell began; she always thought it was something crazy, like a tumor, but Lisa checked it constantly to reassure her it was just stress…

Speaking of Lisa…

The girl walked out of the room, her hair stuck out like chicken wings and her face painted with blue powder. She grumbled through the towel she wiped on her face before pulling it down, her glasses following, dropping to her nose. "She takes after you." Lisa simply said, before passing her by and trudging down the stairs.

Lily peeked out of the door, stifling a cheesy laugh. The way she looked so accomplished with herself… aww. "Wiwy pwanked!"

Isn't it ironic? Luan smirked, going up to Lily and ruffling her hair. The baby's teaching the master now. "Good job, Lil'ster, but you still have a long way to go before you become a graduate in the world of pranking!"

And hopefully, unlike me, you won't lose it in the blink of a month of self-inflicted torture.

She opened the door to her room, and found Luna on her bunk bed with her study table out, chewing her pen with a furrowed brow.

Their eyes locked and Luna dropped the pen, beaming at her. "You're so lucky you don't get to do these." She narrowed her eyes in mock spite.

"Trust me, it'll take a lot for you to get where I am." Luan rolled her eyes, deftly approaching their bed. She leaned onto the edge of the bunk, peeking at the notebook Luna had splayed out on the table. "What's this about?"

"Oh, don't worry about it—I got it covered," Luna said passive-aggressively, though there was a twitch in her scoff betraying it all.

She peered over her God-awful handwriting. Geeze, learn to write if you wanna write songs, dang. "Is this…" Luan squinted her eyes and turned her head to the side. "Theodore? Who's Theodore? Roosevelt?"

"That's theater, ya goof." She snorted, doodling notes on the other end of the notebook. "When I said I liked music, I didn't mean show tunes."

A pun. Perfect opportunity. Luan thought… sadly nothing was coming in. Poof. "What happened to the music whiz, huh?" She cocked a challenging brow.

"Whoever said I was a music whiz?" Luna waved her hands around sarcastically, earning her an amused snort from Luan. "I dunno anything about this sorta stuff but it so happens that I got a roomie that's one! Surely, she would've loved to help out!"

Luan shook her head with a smirk. She knew what she was doing, and a part of her hated it. Like rubbing salt to her sore cut. "I could help you but you just insulted my pride; you're on your own, Lunes."

"Come on, dude, please?" Luna's face fell and her tone shifted now,  clasping her hands together pleadingly. "Just this once? I owe you this big!"

Her face faltered. "...You know I haven't been in a creative spirit lately, how am I supposed to get that done?"

Luna scoffed in disbelief, and it made her heart sink. "Says the one who won second in the division! Best scriptwriter too!"

Luan frowned. She just got lucky with that one.

But Luna caught up with it. After that lucky afternoon, every little thing Luan did mattered. Even if Luan got annoyed at her meddling, they both knew she liked it. Needed it, deep inside.

She dropped her hands and spoke a little more calmly. Alright, 'nuff with the jokes. "It could help ya get in touch with yourself again. Doesn't have to involve that much brain. I just need to know if this song I wrote from the proj is theater-y enough?"

Slowly, Luan nodded. "I can work with that."

"Thanks, sis! Le'me know whatcha think later." Luna hopped down the bed and grabbed her axe. "I'll be off in the garage if ya need somethin'."

She picked the notebook up, sat down, and lay it open before her as Luna stepped out.

"Yo, dude?"

Luan looked up, finding Luna peeking through an adjacent slit between the door and the hinge. "Yeah?"

Concern danced on her face, but when a battle cry quickly emerged from the hallway Luna flinched... "N-nevermind. Just don't rip my book up into pieces, yeah? Ah—LJ!"

"Hike!"

Luna didn't even close the door. Luan snorted. The audacity. 

She pushed herself up the bed, the door clicking as she closed it. Upon returning to the bed, a photo frame sat at the corner of her eye. Luan paused, only a step from the bed, and stared at it before pulling it close. It was a recent photo; one she took a few months before in the summer with Benny.

How funny it was. Two months felt like two years. Two months and she's aged five.

They were at the same photo booth where they ended their first date. She leaned in closer to her face. The goofy facial expressions she made. The duck lips, the peck on his cheek, the wink.

The photos themselves were crisp and saturated clear, yet in her head, the sounds of their laughter, the jokes they shared in there, were faint, faded. Like a rolling movie from the 50s that grew discolored with time. She frowned. There was something about her poise here, her face that screamed life.

You don't realize how fast summer ends until the last leaf falls off the tree.

And here we go again.

In one of the photos, she had her Groucho Marx glasses on, and Benny's laugh was frozen in time. The energy in it, in her, dang; was this really how I was like?

Back to contemplating what was, what could've been, and what should've been.

Luna and she had talked it out, and she opted to reach out to Lisa about this. Safe to say, the girl's done a lot of tests to conclude that no, she wasn't mentally ill, but yes, she was struggling severely. Lisa asked her what she remembered the past few months, anything really, all she could respond with was that she had a headache she thought was a tumor, and a thump in her chest that made her believe she had heart disease. 

No recent events? Bad or good?  No…?

It disheartened Lisa, she could see it in her face, the disappointment behind it. Even she missed that side of her, and though that should've made her heart swell, and though she should've brushed her baby sister's hair and reassured her that all was well, Luan couldn't. She couldn't feel anything for it.

"You're struggling to process your emotions," Lisa frowned, showing a rare moment of sorrow. "A part of your mind has decided to cut itself out. This mental state is called dissociation, which has two branches; both of which you seem to struggle with."

And there it was. The internet was right. Luan returned the frame to the nightstand.

She'd lost her identity.

Funnily enough, the second Lisa pointed it out for what it was, she was taken back to fourth-grade class. Phineas Gage. The construction worker who hit his head, altering his entire mental state. Their teacher always warned them about keeping their head safe. 

But nobody told her that that safety went two different ways, both physical and mental.

The notebook sat idle on her bed; she'd stared dazed at it for minutes. Oh right, Luna's project.

She picked Luna's pen from the top bunk. In high school, Luan reached the peak of her success, yet it was also here, that she lost it all.

Luan narrowed her eyes, trying to decipher Luna's squiggles. Lisa told her what she already knew; grounding always helped. Mindful feeling was the trick. Right now, she felt her temples throb, her eyes aching from squinting too much. She rubbed the surface of Luna's notebook. How do you describe the sensation of paper? She knew no adjective for it, but it was bumpy with the words Luna scribbled on the previous page.  One letter ripped through the paper and the torn slit brushed on the pad of her thumb.

And she stared down at it in contempt.

Just like in a play; in the grand scheme of things, this will all make sense. Maybe this was the first step to building it all again, brick-by-brick: by accepting that in the first place, that legacy she was building up was propped on an unsteady foundation. And no matter how much she wanted to hold on, the pillars broke under shaky ground. She'd had no choice but to let go. She needed to let herself fall. 

It's not your fault. She could hear Luna in her head. It never was.

It felt like it though. It felt like she drove herself straight to a head-on collision, ignoring all the signs from the beginning because of her drive. And now that she was here, torn apart, living with only half the life she knew, how could she forgive herself? For the pain she'd inflicted on not just her, but her family, left to deal with this? This... catatonic state where she could hear, but barely interact.

That gnawing hollowness returned, the only feeling Luan had grown accustomed to. 

Luan glanced at the photo again, locking eyes with herself, the steady image shining with more life than she ever carried right now. She couldn't even believe that was her. How was she so happy? How did she feel that genuine?

It's just for now. She thought, forcing the word 'resilient ' out of her mind. Surrender was inevitable, but that didn't mean this would go on forever. Like mom splayed out in front of her with her own two hands.Your pick, sweetie. Only two roads were destined for you, either risk this or your life. 

Her mind returned to the thought of a coma. Mental coma, as Lisa figuratively described before. You're not dead, Luan. She breathed in cold air. Just asleep. The way bears napped in the winter to preserve themselves from the cold. They have to go on autopilot to survive the drop, right? But they sprout, they get back up in spring when the sun comes shining down on them again. Once the snow thaws and the grass clears.

Luan returned to the notebook, half-scribbled page staring back. She could only hope and picture life shuffling its cards right about now, deciding when that day would come for her soon.

All she knew was it would have to come. That one day, one day in the next few seasons; Luan told herself, even when she didn't believe it.

I'll wake up too.    

Chapter Text

Summer Paradise.

As basic as the words were, those were the only two Luna could use to describe the almost ethereal feeling. Night three of being on the balcony, hovering over the pool and the helipad, first floor of four. Unlike their trips to hotels, this whole villa was theirs for the whole week. Their much bigger, much cozier Loud House.

Ignoring the fact that the three other floors were for mom’s coworkers and their own families… eh. To each their own.

For someone who embraced chaos as second nature, Luna was over the moon for a break. Not that she wasn’t thankful for the king-sized beds made to feel like firm clouds, and the unlimited buffet stuffed in every kitchen from the first to top ground. But it did not beat the little things. The vibe. The cold, salty air nipping her skin. The coziness of this wide rattan chair she sat on, so spacious, she could move in any position. As she inhaled, it wasn’t snowflakes that stung her airways, rather, the refreshing evergreen scent of fresh Costa Rican grass.

Luna strummed a cozy melody on her acoustic guitar, the echoes of stings on wood floating through the air. Mom’s crazy enough to have them ditch school for trip’s sake, and them? Of course they’d accept the offer in a heartbeat.

On the table was a whole liter of Coca Cola, one glass all for her.

"Hey, Lunes," Luna looked up with a beam, finding Luan slipping out of the sliding doors behind her. "Got room for one more?"

She gestured to the rattan seat right across her on the glass table, all the while, Luna let her guitar strings reverberate in the air, feeling the need to do so to soothe her allergy to silence. Long before going into homeschool a month ago, she was there. She had seen it all. Had been the first witness to breakdown that’d be followed by the very last that snapped the sanity out of her little sister like a twig.

Not literally, but Luna could see it as she glanced at her settling onto the spacious seat, the pale color of the moon dancing across her face. Something was snatched within Luan’s soul. That even in the midst of Heaven, she could see the existence of nothing in Luan’s eyes.

She could never understand how that’d feel like. To be like Carrey in that one show where he was living in a scripted stimulation all along. Sounded bonkers, and Luan may have been bonkers for jokes. But who was laughing if not her?

Leaning back her chair, she let her mindless plucking soothe her. Luna wasn’t religious, but every night since that day Luan told her all, she’d been living on a prayer, drifting off to sleep with a consistent wish that even if Luan wasn’t living, at least she was surviving. Her day of reckoning will come soon enough, right?

"What'cha up to, lil' sis?" She asked, breaking the silence.

Luan felt the warm breeze against her skin. The indigo horizon tinted with a black undertone of water. The pool that rippled under their balcony, with the sounds of soft chatter from below. She took in the view, the beautiful scenery that surrounded her, describing it in her head like a story, as if, like reading a novel, she’d feel it for real.  “Nothing much." She said. "Just roaming around and all that."

Luan glazed the pad of her finger through the rattan seat. Rough. She was sitting on it. It was real. Like everything else. It felt surreal, almost like a dreamy, perfect escape from her chaotic reality back home.

Because it was dreamy, it was surreal. Like a mirage in her view, an illusion she could never reach. It was a constant state of detachment, a feeling that she was drifting further and further away from the world.

Even through all her days of scribbling words, metaphors, figures of speech to at last, articulate its severity, Luan found herself lost. Despite the beauty that surrounded her, Luan couldn’t shake the feeling that it all felt distant, like it wasn’t really real. Even though she was right there, right beside her sister, Luna. The only one who knew. The only one she could go to and say ‘slap me’, and she would. Because she knew.

Luna picked up on it quick, but she didn't say anything. Instead, she took a break from playing her guitar. Setting it on the ground, she poured herself a glass of soda, hovering it to Luan. “Ya want some?”

“I’m good…” Luan waved a hand; her gaze still fixed on the distant horizon.

“Suit yourself.” Luna lifted her glass and sipped, glancing at the sky. One, two, three… seven stars.

She was incredibly perceptive, and knew Luan was taking in the scenery again, absorbing it or more like trying to. Even she herself couldn't process the fact that she was sitting here, first balcony out of four, spending Summer in Winter while the rest of her gang were in the States in shivers. Geeze. The Gazette’s flooding greens.

She pulled the glass from her lips, a fresh, cold sigh slipping out, before casting Luan a glance.

“This place feels like we're all dreamin, doesn't it?” Luna commented. "It's so beautiful... makes you wanna cry."

Luan remained silent; her gaze still fixed on the horizon. The word “dream” resonated with her, but not in the way Luna intended. It was a dream. This was actually just a set. And she was acting in a script she didn’t know.

“Yeah,” Luan replied quietly; her voice barely audible. “It does.”

Luna’s smile softened, reading that look in her sister’s eyes well.

“Remember when we were kids, babysitting Lisa?” She took another sip, the clip settled in her house of memories. “When we went out on this late-night walk and she began listing out names of stars she knew?”

Sounds exactly like a script. Like a script from corny feel-good movies.

“Yeah.” Luan barely heard herself respond; still fixed at the photographic horizon before her. Even with her emotional distance, there was shame. There was frustration. Why couldn’t she cope? Why couldn’t she be happy? The world’s a beautiful place, and I’m living in it. But why can’t I feel it?

And she used to say joy is a choice.

Luna's smile softened, trying not to look to hurt at the slight rejected feeling. “Yeah.”

She looked at the horizon too, wondering what Luan saw. Wishing she could see it maybe through virtual reality, just for an hour, so she could find a way to fix it all. But she knew she couldn’t, and that frustrated her just as much as the thought of Luan being stuck in such a mood.

The sea sparkled with moon beams. At least Luan was comfortable enough to slump, to drop her smile around her. Just them, right now. “What does it feel like?”

“LANA! YOU CHEATER!”

Beyond the glass doors behind them, Lincoln, Lana and Lisa were in the living area playing a video game. Bright and cheering in the atmosphere, a total contrast to them here in the balcony. No lights on, Just them, the moonlit sky, and the sounds of the sea. Luna turned to Luan again, coaxing. “What do you see?”

Luan paused for a moment, trying to put her feelings into words. "It's like I'm... floating," she began. "Like I'm not fully here, you know? Like I'm watching everything from afar, as if it's all somehow distant. And when I try to anchor myself, to grab onto something concrete, it's like everything just feels unreal, or fleeting."

She shook her head, trying to dismiss the thoughts that threatened to overwhelm her. "But, I mean, it's weird... It's like I'm here, but everything just has this weird filter over it, like life is an endless sitcom or something. Maybe a dark comedy, I don't know.”

Luna stared at her, her face falling with yearning somberness. On the first day Luan confessed she felt this way, Luna thought she lost it. She was told Luan was seeing walls like they were printed tarpaulins. Luan told her the floor looked like cardboard, everything else looked like holograms. And everyone was a robot.

But God, did her heart physically crack when Lisa confirmed it. The mind wasn’t like the body. A head couldn’t be fixed by medicine, if not words and heart. But how far were hugs and cuddles gonna go, if Luan was always gonna feel this thin barrier between that warmth?

"And the thing is," Luan continued, her voice growing slightly shaky. "I want to joke, I want to laugh and find joy in things, but it's like this veil is just over every aspect of my life. It's hard to explain. Sometimes, even in the funniest situations, it all feels... off somehow."

Luna sighed, propping her elbow on her knees. "Even now? That we're on this vacay?" She asked, feeling helpless. We got everything we want and need here, Lu. Food, privacy, unlimited TV to ourselves... a pool to dip into whenever we want... I don't get it." Luna said, helplessly gesturing around the landscape. "You're out of that hellhole that school is now. I just... I just don't get it."

In response, Luan grumbled under her breath, shooting Luna a stink eye. Luan had hoped that the trip to Costa Rica would be the fix she needed too. But while the sights healed sore eyes, it didn’t make things feel right.

"It's not like I'm choosing to feel this way, Luna," Luan replied, offended. "If I could switch it off or snap out of it, I would have done so a long time ago. I don't know what more you want from me."

She slumped against her seat. "You don't know how exhausting this is." Luan's words were tinged with fatigue and weariness. "It’s like… a veil’s always over me. I'm watching it all behind a hazy glass screen. I want to enjoy it, I really do.”

Luna let her eyes linger on her little sister, a surge of helplessness dampening her, clinging like water on her skin, weighing her down. Luna didn’t wanna give up on her, especially tonight, but Lisa insisted nothing could be done about this. Nothing but wait on the person to open up. To let themselves feel openly, the highs and the lows. Because in Luan's head apparently, there was a wall. A wall she instinctively built to protect herself from pain. And it jammed every other emotion that came with being human.

"Dude."

Luna began, scooting back to sit Indian style. "Can I ask you something... Deep? Personal?”

Luan sighed, her expression shifting to one of resignation. "Go ahead," she conceded, her voice tinged with a mix of curiosity and weariness. She had a feeling she knew where this was going, but she was willing to hear Luna out.

Luna felt her heart sink at Luan's weariness. No matter what they did to help, no matter how long or how short she slept, she was just stuck to this voice now. No longer the chirpy, energetic girl Luna was familiar with. The Luan she grew up with.

"All those times you... Bombed a report at school," Luna began, recalling Luan's struggle with group projects. "How did you react to them? How would you normally react to them?”

Luan looked over at Luna, her gaze distant and thoughtful. "Oh, those times," she began with a hint of humor in her tone. "Honestly, I'd just crack a few jokes, maybe laugh it off, you know? Try to keep it light and fun."

She paused for a moment, recalling some of the memories more vividly. "Sometimes, I'd feel a pang of disappointment, sure. But mostly, I'd just brush it off, find the humor in the situation, and move on. It's just a report, right? No big deal.”

But Luna knew there was more to it. She kept her gaze steady as she prodded further. Luna remembered all those times Luan would come home from a relatively bad day, but never, ever show even if they noticed anyway.

That was the problem all along. Luan was too scared to listen to a part of her, a part that hurt so much, she unintentionally cut off the rest of her. As per Lisa's diagnosis.

"Sometimes, it wasn't that simple, was it?” Luna probed gently. “Deep down, something always bothered you, didn't it?"

As Luna probed deeper, Luan's defenses started to crack. Her instincts fired and demanded her to pull away; say it’s fine. But a magnetic force pulled her in anyway. A voice much louder that took in the soft encouragement in Luna’s eyes; what do you have left to lose?

"Okay, fine. Deep down, yeah, there were times when it got to me more.” Luan confessed, averting her gaze. “When the teasing or the criticism hit a sensitive spot, and I'd feel a mix of shame and disappointment. It wasn't easy, but I just... I tucked it all away, tried to convince myself it didn't matter, that I was tough and nothing could get to me. That's just... my way of dealing with things.”

Luna nodded, weaving her fingers through each other as a cold breeze swept in. "Did you ever think about it after? Like... I don't know... Contemplate when you get home? Maybe..." She hinted tentatively, knowing this would touch an extremely sore spot for Luan. "Maybe let yourself cry over it?”

Luan flinched at the suggestion, her walls instantly building back up. “Never.”  Luan forced a laugh. The mere idea of it made her sick. "I don't do that. I mean, what's the point? That's not gonna solve anything. I just brush it off and move on. It's not worth dwelling on.”

"I mean, it's just a... it's whatever, you know? I've got bigger things to worry about than some stupid report. It's not like it's the end of the world, right?" Luan said dismissively.

That hit the nail on Luna's reasoning. Yep. Lisa was right.

She couldn't blame Luna though. DPDR... What Luan was struggling through essentially, was like the anesthesia of the head. It was the mind's way of protecting you from the intensity of the falls.

But Luan didn't need to protect herself anymore. She didn't need to hide from herself anymore.

Luna sighed. She wished she could save her, genuinely reach out to her through the waves of the sea, and drift her back ashore. But... How...?

Suddenly, she remembered something.

Luna inhaled sharply. It could help. It could.

She calmed herself down, trying not to get too charged. "Maybe I hadn’t dropped far down rock bottom to see what you do, but I felt that emptiness before too. That feeling of turning to things that should’ve made you happy, only to land short because it doesn’t anymore.”

Luan looked at Luna, a flicker of curiosity mixed with hesitation in her eyes. The way Luna spoke, with a blend of empathy. and understanding, piqued her interest. She didn't quite understand where Luna was going with this, but she was willing to listen.

"You did?" Luan asked, her voice tinged with a hint of hope. "You felt that too?” Luna nodded, looking over at Luan matter-of-factly.

"You remember middle school? 'Round the time you guys thought it was just a phase?" She asked, a faint smile on her lips. "I was hiding rock n’ roll behind closed doors, my sexuality... All that confusion. Plus the imposter syndrome, and the bullying at school... It was really gettin' to me. I had to drown it out.”

"Yeah, I remember," Luan responded, her voice softer now. To tell the truth, her brain was disoriented. She faintly recalled anything. "It was tough for you, wasn't it? Feeling like you had to hide who you are just to fit in?”

Luna nodded, hoping tapping into her own vulnerability would encourage Luan to do the same. "I was torn between what you guys saw of me. This shy kid who was just trying to neutralize the atmosphere with music... Or the potential rock star I could be. I was scared none of you would approve, and so would everyone else. I mean... I was already bullied at school for being an artsy kid. If I began going punk, what would they say then? That I'm a wannabe or sumthin'?"

She chuckled; nostalgia apparent in the undertone. Even with its tragic narrative, Luna had a small smile on her face. Feeling a little proud of herself for how far she'd gone. Luan listened intently; her gaze fixed on Luna.

But how does this connect to my own problem? Luna could already hear Luan think. So, she went straight to the point.

"Thing was, dude, there was a time when I felt just like you. Like I said, not as bad as yours, but you get the gist." Luna said, wanting to pull closer and fill that empty space in Luan's rattan couch. But she held back. Not yet.

She remembered all those times in middle school, the dark atmosphere, the numbness... The desperate scrambling to feel something. Though painful, Luna couldn't help but look back at it nostalgically.

"Let's just say I... Did stuff I regret... Just to try and reclaim my feelings back." She said, faintly brushing through the braces on her wrist. "Stuff that I'm just glad you never resorted, despite your struggles.”

As Luna mentioned the possibility of Luan resorting to negative coping mechanisms, Luan's shoulders tensed, a flicker of defensiveness in her eyes. She knew the darkness Luna was hinting at. The numbness, the desperation, the self-harm. It was a path she had teetered on the edge of but never fully fallen into. "I... I've never... I haven't,"

Luan's tone was curt, her eyes flicking away from Luna, as if trying to avoid any further probing into her thoughts and feelings. The topic was too raw, too personal, and Luan still struggled to confront her own demons.

Luna gave her a stony look. "You didn't." She repeated, her eyes softening. "But you did rip your certificate into shreds. And broke Mr. Coconuts. Your most prized possession.”

Luan flinched at Luna's words, the truth hitting her like a cold wave. "I... I guess you're right," Luan muttered, her voice barely above a whisper. "But... But it's not like I did it on purpose. It just... happened.”

"It happened cuz it was easier to break something than to break down." Luna said, her statement plunging deep in Luan's mind and rocking her perspective.

And Luna could see it. The gears shifted in her sister’s head. Rubbing her hands together, she sighed, chills running through her for what she wanted to share. "See, man, that's where I'm getting at... Somewhere 'round when I was thirteen, I was just like that, y'know. Hurting myself because at least I felt more in control over my emotions, than letting it go out of me."

"And you know, what? That's how the numbness started. I didn't really know it at the time... Until I got out of it." Luna said. Luan's heart clenched as Luna's words resonated within her.

As Luna mentioned the numbness that followed, Luan felt a chill run down her spine. The thought of sinking deeper into that abyss was too scary to contemplate. She swallowed hard, her voice barely audible as she whispered, "How did you get out?”

Luna smiled, a wry chuckle escaping her lips as she took a sip of her glass. "Laugh at me if you want. But the story's really silly.”

Luan raised her eyebrows in curiosity and bemusement. The idea of a 'silly story' emerging from such a serious conversation seemed bizarre, yet intriguing.

"Oh?" Luan replied, her tone tinged with both skepticism and a hint of eagerness. "Well, I've gotta hear this one now. Go ahead, spill the beans.”

Despite the deep energy floating between them, Luna couldn't help her grin from growing wider. The memory of that experience, it was definitely for the plot.

"See, so I was... Uh..." Her face was dusted with a soft blush. Luna scratched her nape sheepishly. "Don't tell anyone else, 'kay? But... I was really into reading... Mick Swagger fanfiction at the time.”

Mick Swagger fanfiction? Luan's skepticism heightened, her eyebrows raising even higher as her mind struggled to process the unexpected turn of events.

She couldn't help but chuckle at the absurdity of Luna's revelation. "You're telling me that the solution to your numbness and despair was... Mick Swagger fanfiction? Really?”

Luna giggled, her face turning wholly red as she rubbed her eyes. "I mean... Yeah—but we haven't gotten to that point yet. Just bear with me." She said, sipping on her glass again before taking a breath. "Thing was... This story was the biggest one in the fandom, right? It was about Mick finding out he was dying in 12 months and instead of living out life rockin' and rollin' one last time, he went sober. He dropped rock. Spent all his fortune one last time to invest in all those missed chances he had with his family."

Luna could feel her eyes stinging already, the memory of one of the best lines, the best lessons in that fic returning. "I don't know man... I know it sounds dumb. But that story just hit so right, you know? It ain’t no bestseller, sure, but the lessons, the catchy one-liners... Dude..."

She shook her head, a rueful smile on her face. "We weren't just reading about Mick passing his life on before he does for real. We read about his family, how they grieved with the lost time and the fact they were gonna lose him." Luna chuckled, gritting her teeth as she felt the faintest sting in her eyes.

Luan listened quietly; her gaze locked on Luna as she shared her story. As Luna spoke about Mick Swagger's fictional journey, realizing he was dying, Luan saw the genuine emotion in her sister's eyes. It was strange to see Luna, her torn thread, badass older sister, tearing up over a fanfiction.

She swallowed, giving herself a short minute to not break down right there. Heh. Over a dang story? No way. Hesitantly, Luna glanced over at Luan, finding her sister looking at her with full, unbiased intrigue and undivided interest. A part of her felt disappointed, knowing the real Luan would've hysterically exploit her tears for fun knowing she was crying over a fanfic of all things... But another part was relieved. Because for once, Luan was taking her seriously. Wholeheartedly.

Sometimes, you gotta lose to gain, huh.

"Sorry...sorry... Didn't think the story would still hit. Luna said, rubbing her eyes. "As I was sayin'... This story was so good that... I was practically allergic to it afterwards.”

"Allergic?” Luan questioned, her brow furrowing in confusion as the bug of impatience was crawling in her skin. "I have so many questions, but I'm dying to know…  How did this fanfiction help you overcome your numbness? How did it help you get out of that spiral you were in?"

"Patience is a virtue, lil' sis." Luna chided, before continuing. "So, thing was, every chapter left me on edge, wanting to cry. If I couldn't feel stuff for myself, I was definitely feeling it all for Mick. For his family. And so, when I finished that story..."

She held a hand to her heart in exaggeration, feeling it pang and tighten. "I was wounded, sis. Shot to the heart and they were to blame.  If the hurt was based on reality, I'd brush it off. I'd tell myself I'm not pitiful, but because it wasn't my pain... I dunno, it felt... Easier. Natural to feel bad." Luna shared, a wistful smile on her face. "And so yeah. Three hours in our room cryin' a river…"

Luan's eyes widened in surprise. She found it hard to believe that she had been that oblivious to Luna's suffering, especially in their shared bedroom. How could she have missed Luna going through such emotional turmoil right under her nose? However, deep down, she couldn't deny that it fit their character dynamic. Despite being siblings who shared intimate spaces, they had never been very close, not in that sense.

"I... I had no idea," Luan whispered, her voice filled with a mixture of guilt and regret. "I'm sorry I didn't..." She trailed off, her words failing her.

"It's okay." Luna cut her off, looking at the waves wistfully. She crossed her leg over her bouncing knee, watching the dark horizon moving. "See... Thing was, it wasn't just the story itself that moved me. There was a character in the fic who was just like me. Mick's youngest kid. The one who got his genes, and his... Tendency to avoid pain."

Luna swallowed. "This kid was running off, drinking, distracting himself to copy with the pain, basically. Then one day, Mick came up to him, pulled him over for a heart to heart, and played him a ballad he made especially just for him." Her voice quivered at the memory. God, that was the worst scene of all. "The kid really didn't wanna cry, you know? The kid wanted to hold back. Go as far as pretend that his dad didn't exist, just to not feel the pain. But then Mick asked him something... Something so simple... But something that just... It killed me, dude."

Luna was fully opening up now, in a way she never did in front of Luan. In front of anyone but Sam, really.  But for her sister, she'd do it all. And if it meant stripping her armor for Luan to do the same, so be it.

Luan listened intently, her heart clenching as Luna recounted the story. The rawness and vulnerability in Luna's voice were palpable, making her feel a little antsy at the elephant in the room.

"What... What did Mick ask the kid, Luna?" Luan asked, her voice barely above a whisper.

The anticipation hung heavily in the air. Luna scratched her eye.

"You could sit by my wake to say goodbye one last time" She mumbled. "But you'd just be talking to a sleepin' man who wished on that farewell when they were alive.”

Luan's heart squeezed tightly as Luna's words hung in the air. The depth of the sentiment and the vulnerability behind Luna's sharing shook Luan to her core.

"Luna..." Luan whispered, her voice trembling with a mixture of empathy and realization. That is pretty deep…

Luna cursed under her breath, her breath hitching as she fought to wipe the tears off her face. Dang it, now I'm the one who's crying.

She quickly stood up, walking over to the railings of the balcony in front of them, leaning against it to breathe, waving a hand to Luan. "Sorry, sorry... Gi'me a minute.”

Luan's heart ached seeing Luna struggle to hold back her tears. She wanted to be there for her sister, to provide comfort and support.

Luan decided it’d be unfair if she didn’t stay with her, for all the times Luna did the same without question. Forget how she didn’t know how to comfort, or if it was uncomfortable. She approached Luna and leaned against the railings beside her, giving her space and time to gather herself. The moon's soft glow illuminated their figures, creating a tranquil and intimate atmosphere on the balcony.

Luna recovered quickly, sniffling as she wiped off the remnants of her still teary eyes.

" I can't talk about it without... Falling apart." Luna rasped out, laughing shakily for becoming too emotional. "For the first few weeks after I read that... My whole head was just stuck to the story, like I really did lose a dad. And I'd cry ‘til my cheeks ached. Every time I did... I took it as an opportunity to release the torrent of my real issues too."

She looked at the horizon. "I know it sounds sappy. I mean, who even likes crying, right?" Luna scoffed. "But you know what? It worked. For the first time in so long, I found myself feeling light. Sure... Maybe a little jet lagged and miserable after that fic, but human.”

Luan listened attentively; her gaze fixed on Luna. That was it? She couldn’t help the sense of ridiculousness in Luna’s story, unable to help the slow forming grin on her face. “So that’s it? I just gotta read a sad story and sob all night?”

Luna smiled, glancing over at Luan as the younger girl looked up at her with reflecting eyes.

"Well, no, but close." Luna smiled warmly; mentally preparing for what to say when Luan rejected her suggestion. “I know you think laughter’s the best medicine,” She paused reluctantly, looking at the pitch black horizon. “But sometimes, it’s not a distraction you need. It’s a catharsis.”

Luan's eyes widened with curiosity and a hint of vulnerability. She had spent her life trying to mask her emotions, to conceal the pain and hurt that haunted her. The idea of a catharsis, allowing herself to let go and confront those feelings, both intrigued and scared her.

"A catharsis?" Luan repeated softly, her voice tinged with longing and apprehension. "How... How would that even work?”

Luna wasn't a therapist. But she could impersonate it well when she wanted to. She lowered her voice, taking on a more counselling tone. "It's not gonna be easy, and I’m sure you’re not gonna like it... But you gotta unpack all that weight inside you. And I don’t just mean by crying."

She took Luan's wrist, feeling wholeheartedly driven to show Luan what she's been missing.

"Here," Luna sat them both down on that large rattan seat. She wrapped an arm around her younger sister, pulled her close in an almost maternally charged embrace. Luna knew Luan’s downfall began when she began her rise to academic excellence, making those sacrifices she had along the way. But she didn’t fully understand… why? What even drove Luan to do it all in the beginning?

"Tell me... What started this? What made you decide to just… commit your entire life to school?"

Luan stiffened within her sister’s arms feeling her eyes sting but she blinked rapidly; slipping out of Luna’s embrace. It was clear she was still forcing herself to stand strong, to ignore the bleeding wounds so long as she still breathed. And to feel her resisting the hug; it offended Luna a little, but she knew Luan needed that space, and maybe holding her close was only holding her back.

She didn’t mean to reject her older sister’s advances, but she didn’t wanna cry. She didn’t wanna acknowledge her deepest insecurity. Her need to clean the mess she’d made of her name.

Luna could sense her sister’s tenseness, being perceptive as she was. Heart sinking at the subtle rejection, she curled up against the chair, leaving a barely visible gap between them, the room she felt Luan wanted. Just to show her she wasn’t gonna smother her, but she wasn’t leaving either.

"Go on, sis... I wanna understand." Luna coaxed yearningly, itching to rub her back, but unsure if Luan would want that.

Luan breathed out exasperatedly, knowing she should feel threatened at the prodding, but she didn’t have anything else to lose anyhow. It’s not like talking about it will hurt, when she’d locked out every emotion she’s had anyway.

“…I just wanted people to see me differently.”

Luna blinked; somehow expecting that answer. She once thought that the day Luan would become socially, spatially aware; then the world was healing. The moment she’d begin to realize just how obnoxious and problematic the teachers sought her out to be, and the time she’d grow to figure out that the world wasn’t a playground she could lay her pranks in, there was a huge upgrade in her attitude. The first step to repair; to be self-aware.

And it was good for a while, Luna knew. Luan was succeeding, excelling at what she did. Just a tad bit too much.

"Mom and dad didn't care much for the honor roll, but I cared. I wanted to... Paint a different picture of me to everyone. I'm not just a... A rebel who does pranks and starts food fights. I can be better… So that's what I did.” Luan said avoidantly, trying to fight the wavering in her voice, but she knew too well Luna could hear it.

“The system’s completely whack."  Luan spat out bitterly, having no energy in her to fight the injustice anymore.

She glanced off to the side to find Luna frowning, nodding along to what she said. She carried understanding in her eyes, holding her thoughts deep, even as she simply listened, waiting for Luan to share more.

Growing weary, Luan sighed heavily, allowing herself to slump back against her older sister’s figure.

Luan had always been an autonomous person, always keeping up a goofy smile and an upbeat attitude to please others, and leave them stuck to a wall they couldn’t push through regardless of the effort.  Even Luna struggled to get through her, and it showed with recent events.

But as she leaned back to rest on her, she didn’t hesitate to cushion her with open arms. Long had she resented Luan for never being able to truly let her pride down and just admit to what she’s feeling.  Coming to terms with that noon a sick Luan finally approached her first, she realized something important… and that was Lisa’s advice. Specs was right all along; it was a matter of trust. She just had to trust that Luan trusted her enough to be there. To listen, but not insist.

Luna wanted to say something, anything to break the walls down Luan’s mind. To rip that veil off of her once and for all, but what exactly do you say or do in this situation? She wrapped her arms around Luan’s shoulders, leaning back and pulling her in. The dead air made her uneasy, despite the comfort within their position. “The system’s whack, yeah…” Her icebreaker was underwhelming, even for her. “But… hey, at least you got a break from the group projects, yeah? None more of that junk to worry about.”

At the assumption, Luan felt a twinge of defeat in her heart. She hated to break it to Luna, but it was far from the circumstance she wanted. "I hate being homeschooled.” Luan murmured, scooting back more, seeking Luna’s warmth as a cold ocean breeze brushed over them. “It’s only ideal for the first few weeks, but the more you think about it… being isolated, away from friends, clubs; it's not the answer. I want to be out here, making people laugh, living how a teen should."

Her voice began to crack, her eyebrow furrowing as she grew spiteful at her situation. “But then again… what difference does homeschool make? Even if I was in real school, I’d still be too tired to hang out. I’d still be too drained out to even cross the same hall as my clubmates.” She crossed her arms, swallowing hard to push the lump down her throat. “I never wanted it to be like this. I just want things to be normal again. I wanna feel normal again.”

Luna felt helpless yet again, unsure of what to do, what to say to make her sister feel better. Luan's an extrovert. She wanted to be out with the world, performing. But after everything she risked school, dropping her business, her chances at good gigs and parties, and losing her own personality too...  Yeah, she couldn't blame Luan for feeling like a loser.

But she still carried hope. Lots of it.

Sighing, she pulled Luan into a tighter, demanding embrace. She couldn’t tell her clichés, it never worked. Luan needed something more. Words she needed to hear, words that Luna somehow felt Luan wanted to hear.

Even if in the end, there was no conclusion. Just denouement.

"We all go through our own rock bottoms. Just because you retreat, that doesn't mean you surrendered." Luna entwined her fingers against Luan’s waist, keeping her locked in place. "This is for the best, dude. It’s not the end just yet…” She rested her cheek against Luan’s hair, feeling it tickle her skin. “You still have next year, and the year after that.”

In all honesty, Luna didn’t know how this setup worked. All she knew was that this homeschool deal would only last for a year.

The idea of coming back to school in junior year made Luan’s stomach churn. She desperately wanted to believe it. To believe that this was just a temporary setback, a rocky mountain she could climb and conquer.  But right now, all she could feel was nausea at the thought of coming back. "It could just be the same system all over again… and…" 

Luna gently shushed her, holding Luan tighter, closer, cradling her as if ready to pick up the pieces she’d leave out.

"It won’t. Everyone’s learned a big lesson from what happened to you." Luna hushed her, remembering how the days following Luan’s breakdown led to an article in their school newspaper. She could tell Luan that later. “Now teachers are handing us more solo works. By next year, I’m sure things will have changed by a lot.”

"Smart kids in my class talk about you a lot. It’s not what you’d have wanted… but your sacrifice, it meant much to kids struggling the same as you did.”  She rubbed her younger sister’s back, feeling Luan stiffen, growing more uneasy in arms. Luan wanted to be seen for something beyond a rebel, but it’s just ironic, the way it happened. “You got everyone’s respect now. They all call you…”

Luna paused instantly as she heard the faintest sniffle coming from her sister, and a little hitch under her palm.

“A hero…”

She closed her mouth, realizing it was late for that. With a silent sigh, she cradled Luan against her chest, knowing how much she hated feeling so small, like an injured puppy to be coddled. But this was the only way… at least, Luna hoped it was. "Don’t fight it, Luan.” Luna whispered against her forehead, pulling her snug against her. "Think of all the times you failed at school… times you swallowed your feelings down cuz it was easier… and let it out for me.”

At the soft urging, Luan felt a spike of frustration go through her. It wasn’ fair. From the start, the school should’ve seen the problem. Why did they have to wait? Why did they have to wait until one kid fell, to change the system and have everyone else enjoy it while she couldn’t? The world isn’t fair, sure, but why did she have to take the hit??

She finally buried her head against Luna's collar, her tears spewing out as she clenched her jaw in seething anger. They just had to wait… then what? Now she was a hero? Like that’d compensate for everything? Like that would just bring her back!?

Every gasp, every shudder, every strained growl - it was an exorcism of the torment she had held inside for far too long. She mumbled her heartaches out, feeling the open balcony close in on them. In that tight embrace, her cries mixed with mumbles, murmurs on how she was tired of being upset over the system, that she just wanted to move on, she wanted herself back. It couldn't be too much to ask. She was supposed to be okay now, everyone thought so, but why wasn't she?

Luna couldn't help but shake her head, heart panging with each time Luan tried to speak; as if she didn't already know. She knew she should've been stronger, should've been the pillar Luan so needed, but she couldn't let Luan hope for nothing. Not when she herself felt so hopeless. Holding her securely, she patted Luan's back. In this family, it was all for one, one for all. It wasn't a happy vacation, as much as Luna wished it could be. Not when one was miserable.

But she couldn't care about Luan taking away the joy in Costa Rica. Heck, this could all be a dream, and she'd be fine so long as her sister wasn't brooding in her virtual reality anymore.

Bit by bit, she felt the weight lifting, the heaviness shifting, replaced by a raw vulnerability that was almost comforting in its rawness. Luna had been holding back on a tight throat the entire time. It never got easier to see Luan fall apart, no matter how frequently it became. But it was never as violent as this... And a part of Luna couldn't help but feel scared that Luan would hyperventilate over the intensity of her crying.

Thankfully, she didn't.

And when the younger girl slumped against her shoulder, mumbling a small but unmistakable thank you, Luna felt that bubble pop within her too.

She nodded, her eyes quickly watering. Luna didn't respond, afraid Luan would notice the crack in her voice. Squeezing her just a bit was enough.

Her sobs finally subsided, Luan lifted her tear-streaked face, her eyes puffy and red. Luna's shirt was a damp mess, a testament to the storm they had weathered together. With the last remnants of her breakdown seeping away, Luan felt a flicker of her usual spirit ignite.

"Hey Luna," Luan said, her voice a little rough but more stable now. "You're a terrible pillow."

Luan pulled back slightly, feeling a flicker of her old self returning. She gave Luna a weak grin.

There was a significant change in Luan's demeanor now. Despite her thick voice, and her puffy eyes, messy hair, the more Luna looked at her... It seemed like her sister was glowing.

She smiled, resisting the urge to be sappy and pull her into a protective hug and never let go. But not wanting to look needy, she released her hands from Luan's shoulders, rubbing at her own mascara-stained eyes.  "How you feelin'?”

Luan shrugged, a mix of defiance and vulnerability in her voice. "I dunno, Luna. I feel like... like I've been hit by a truck and then had a good long cry about it. I guess I'm feeling sort of... raw. But it's kind of nice, too, you know? Like a weight has been lifted, even if just for a bit."

She ran a hand through her messy hair, her usual ponytail long forgotten. "I don't know if I'm ready to tackle the world just yet, but... I think I just might survive this.”

Luna smiled, feeling a lot of emotions coursing through her. Pride, joy... Relief, especially. "Yeah. You'll get through the night, sis. Just so long as you remind yourself that there's a brighter day tomorrow..."

She already anticipated the witty quip Luan would probably have for this type of line. "Unless it rains. But hey, that's just proof that even the sky cries too.”

Luan rolled her eyes at her sister's attempt to be deep. "Oh, great. Now all I need is 'Follow your nose' advice from a cartoon dog on a breakfast cereal box."

She gave Luna a wry smile, grateful for the banter that signaled returning to normalcy. "But I get it, Luna. Even the sun takes a break now and then. I guess I just need to find my own 'raincoat' to get through the storms.”

Luna noticed Luan trying to settle the jutting hairs on her ponytail, and with a smile, she patted affectionately in front of her, gesturing Luan to sit.

"Yeah... Your own raincoat." Luna repeated thoughtfully.

 Mr. Coconuts was it. But he was broken... Wait...

 She realized something, and as much as she wanted to act on it now, she'll have to wait until next week to get home. Luan settled in front of Luna with a weary nod. As Luna's hands moved through her hair, Luan felt the comforting rhythm of her movements, familiar and soothing. "You know, Luna," she said quietly, her voice taking on a subdued tone, "I never could've gotten through this without you. You're like... like the moon, you know? Always there, always shining in the darkness, guiding me even when I feel lost.”

Luna gently slipped the scrunchie off Luan's hair, running her fingers through it in a relaxing motion. At the comment of her being like the moon, she couldn't help but snort. Luan clearly didn't realize she was punning, did she? "You walked right into your own pun, dude.”

Luan's eyes widened, a mixture of surprise and amusement crossing her features. "Oh... you're right." she realized, a hint of her familiar enthusiasm seeping back into her voice. "I didn't even realize. What an opportunity lost!"

She laughed, the sound carrying a mix of relief and laughter. The familiarity of the banter between them felt like a warm embrace, a reminder that though things had changed, the core of their relationship remained the same.

Luna let out a faint chuckle, still running her fingers through Luan's silky strands.

"I don't get why you never let your hair down. They're rockin'." She shared mindlessly, playing with her hair while letting the scrunchie circle her wrist. "I just thought a ponytail fit the whole comedian persona more," Luan replied with a shrug. "Plus, I figured it'd spare me from the hair-pulling pranks. You know what our siblings can be like!"

She leaned back into Luna's touch, feeling the tension in her shoulders starting to unwind. "But hey, thanks for the compliment Luna. Maybe I should consider a new look for my next gig, who knows?"

She chuckled softly, her spirits rising with each passing moment.

Luna smiled as Luan unconsciously leaned back against her, and she continued her rhythm.

"Maybe not gigs..." Luna was about to propose prom, but realized Luan unfortunately can't attend, being homeschooled now. Or... Can she?

"Can you still attend school parties and stuff?" Luna suddenly asked. "I mean... You do go to school for the major exams, anyway.”

Luan paused for a moment, considering Luna's question. She hadn't really thought about it since the whole "getting kicked out" thing, but Luna had a point.

"You know, I never thought about it," Luan replied thoughtfully. "I mean, I have those major exams, but as for the social scene... I don't really know. School parties, events, that kind of thing? It's a whole other world since I'm homeschooled now. But… after the last time I went there…”

A shudder ran through her smile, remembering how her face was buried in mom’s side the entire time, afraid of the judgement. The gossip.

Luna thought about it, her chest aching at the insinuation that Luan couldn’t go because it made her sick. Geeze, what have they done to her?

"I mean... We can figure that out when we get there. But the question is, can you?" Luna said, looking down at her.

Luan took a moment to consider. The prospect of attending prom, an event that had always been beyond her reach, appealed to her greatly.

"Yeah... yeah, you know what?" she answered with determination. "Let's go for it, Luna. Whether I get in or not, I don't care. We'll figure something out. It might be just the thing I need to shake things up a bit!"

Luan felt a spark of excitement in her eyes. It could be a disaster. It could be amazing. But the uncertainty just added to the thrill.

Luna smirked. And her sister was back.

"Might I suggest a little sneak-in?" She asked suggestively. Normally, Luna wasn't one to break rules, even with her rock star persona. She just didn't care for them, but she didn't break them like Luan liked doing.

But just this once, the idea was exciting. True pinnacle of high school; getting into dumb trouble.

Luan grinned mischievously. "Sneaking in sounds just like my style! We'll pull off the ultimate prank: crashing a prom we're technically not supposed to be at!"

She imagined the looks on the faces of the uptight principals and the stern teachers, their jaws dropping as they witnessed the return of the notorious Loud clown. Oh, the chaos they would bring.

"Just picture it, Luna," Luan continued, her voice laced with wicked excitement. "We'd be dancing, cracking jokes, and causing mayhem, all while the uptight prudes try to play by the rules! It'll be hilarious!"

She clapped her hands together, the idea taking hold. "Okay, sis. Let's plot this thing out. How should we go about it? Fake identities, bribery, or maybe even some classic 'breaking and entering' kind of shenanigans?”

Luna smiled, her heart swelling. She knew it. A catharsis was all Luan needed. She was in there all along, hiding behind that wall.

"Hm... I dunno..." Luna feigned ignorance, but she actually had some silly plans herself. "What would *you* wanna try?”

Luan leaned back, her mind buzzing with mischievous ideas. "Hmm, let me think," she mused, tapping her chin with mock contemplation. "We could go full 'Mission Impossible' and sneak in through the ventilation system! Or maybe bribe the janitor into letting us in? Or, and hear me out on this, we could always go the 'Risky Business' route and slide in through a bathroom window!"

She laughed, enjoying the moment. "The possibilities are endless, Luna! Which one sounds most fun to you?”

"Bribing never works." Luna rolled her eyes. "Janitor ain't even around after three. And prom happens at night. Le'z go with the sneakin' into the window thing. You could be in— wait...!"

Luna's eyes widened. She just had the perfect idea. Luan raised an eyebrow, intrigued by Luna's sudden burst of inspiration. "Wait, what's that look in your eye? You've got that 'planning something devious' face. Spill!"

Luan leaned closer, anticipating the brilliant scheme Luna was about to unveil.

"Leni's the facilitator for this year's prom." Luna uttered out. "Maybe I can convince her to do a masquerade themed party like the one Lori and her do with their friends! You know the challenge where you not only have to mask yourself, but also act like an entirely different person? Then you can sneak in there with your sleek acting skills, and nobody will ever know a thing!"

Luan's eyes widened with excitement. A masquerade-themed prom? It sounded like fate had stepped in to help them out. "Luna, you're a genius!" she exclaimed. "Leni's always been our most gullible sibling. All you have to do is convince her to go with the masquerade theme, and the rest will fall into place perfectly!"

Luan imagined herself gliding through the prom, disguised beneath a mask, engaging in witty banter and cracking jokes left and right. It would be a night to remember.”

"Okay, let's make it happen!" Luan declared. "We can't risk anything going wrong. So, any bright ideas on how to sell this masquerade theme to Leni? We want to make sure she's convinced it's the best idea ever!"

As the two schemed and planned out their mischievous scheme, Luan couldn't help but feel a surge of joy and excitement. Prom would finally be something to look forward to, a chance to let loose and have a blast. With Luna by her side, anything was possible.

"Oh, you know, Leni." Luna casually waved a hand, her heart feeling so much lighter than it did in a month now. "All we gotta do is suggest, and she'll instantly say yes if that's not in her list of prom ideas already."

She laughed. "We're gettin' a lil' way over ourselves. Prom's in March. It's not even spring yet.”

 "You're right, Luna. Let's not get ahead of ourselves. We still got your birthday to crash." She reached over and playfully ruffled Luna's hair, reveling in the newfound sense of sisterly camaraderie between them. "What's one thing you really, really want?"

Luna chuckled and settled her messy strands after Luan ruffled it affectionately. Crazy, huh? Just how fast time flies. Now she was going up to the big seven plus ten eight days from now. She hadn't really been thinkin' much of it though. "Anything that doesn't involve an air horn wakin' me." She joked.

Luan frowned playfully. It was her tradition to do that. "Fine. I'll improvise." She giggled, feeling a yawn tingle up her jaw. "We should go back inside. It's late."

Luna took a moment to consider Luan's words. It was cozy out here, though. Starry night, cold air. Smell of the sea, but eh. All good things have an end. "Yeah, let's head on in." she replied, a softer tone in her voice. She couldn't help but notice the hint of... something in Luan's face though. Like she wanted to say more.

And as she guessed, she did. Luan moved to the edge of the seat, ready to get up. "It's been an intense conversation. Why don't we take a breather for now? Maybe we could grab some snacks and chat about other things for a bit. How does that sound?”

Luna detached herself from the backrest of the chair, her back slightly damp. "Wooh... First time sweating in December." Luna joked. The idea of her and Luan just chillin' together? Luna never took up any opportunity she had to hang with her sibs. "Sure, sis. My room, yours?”

Luan grinned and got up, feeling both mentally and physically light. "Your room, mine, it's all the same anyhow, but yours is closer here. Let's get cozy, laugh a bit, and relax for the rest of the night. I could use some chill time after everything that happened today."

As they made their way back to Luna's room, Luan couldn't help but feel a sense of relief. Tonight might have been intense, but it was also therapeutic. And she couldn't wait to see what laughter and sisterly bonding awaited her in the comfort of Luna's room.

They entered Luna's room and made themselves comfortable. Luan flopped onto the bed, still with a smile on her face. "Luna, you're the best," she said with a chuckle. "Tonight was tough, but also weirdly awesome. Maybe we should make a deal to have heart-to-heart talks more often. It might be cathartic.”

Luna's face lit up, her smile not having left since after that emotional cleansing. Partly from amusement at Luan's antics, and because of her unexpected compliment.

She followed Luan to the bed, sitting on the edge, a stark contrast to her younger sister's theatrical entrance. "That's not you to wanna have one-on-ones, not especially with me, but... Sure. I'd love that dude.”

Luan raised an eyebrow at Luna's comment. "What do you mean, not especially with you?" She asked with a hint of curiosity. "Just because I'm loud and outgoing in front of a crowd doesn't mean I can't have meaningful talks with individual people, especially my siblings."

She leaned back on her sister's bed, looking thoughtful. "I think sometimes I get carried away with being the clown of the family, but don't underestimate me. I can be deep too, you know.”

"Yeah... Hard to believe that sometimes." Luna said playfully, glancing at her with a mirthful smile. "I just mean... It's just not, you know, how we usually do. We don't really go much beyond the surface... When's the last time we did that?”

Luan paused for a moment, reflecting on Luna's words. "You got a point," she admitted with a chuckle. "We do tend to stick to the surface with each other. But hey, maybe that's because we know each other so well that we don't feel the need for too many deep conversations."

She took a playful jab at Luna. "But don't think that just because I'm the prankster of the group I don't have some depth. I'm like an onion with layers, Luna. So many layers.”

Luna unconsciously rubbing the spot on her arm Luan punched, her heart lighter and her smile lingering. She'd known Luan enough to be able to guess how she felt, and why, but that's it. She wasn't omnipotent. After seeing her sister stay down for way too long... she wouldn't think otherwise.

Chapter Text

A flash of light blares through the cracked head. “Geeze, this looks pretty rough. What led Luan to do this?”

“Right? She… uh…” Luna mindlessly fiddles with the cuffs of coat, what excuse did she have? “It was my fault. Sorta messed him up during a fight. You think you can salvage him, doc?”

He paused for a moment, before nodding. “I’ll see what I can do.”

That didn’t sound promising. She flicked her eyes up Doc Ted’s face. “How long would it take?”

“Just a few minutes. I can get him fixed up in no time.” He reassured, walking over to a wooden table behind him and grabbing a large container of PVA glue. Luna watched curiously as he maneuvered Mr. Coconuts’ head left and right, assessing the damages, his eyes narrowing in scrutiny. “I’ve seen this thing go through serious damages, but never this banged up. I’d have to say there will be a few cracks I can’t paint over.”

Luna stifled a gasp. There has to be a way. This was the only way. “But you can put him back together, right?” She asked hopefully, letting her thumb roll the discarded eye on the desk. “Even if it’s not gonna be the same as before?”

He nodded, looking at her amusedly. “Wow, you must be feeling really sorry for damaging him.”

Her face fell into disappointment. If you knew, dude.

“Yeah, yeah.” Luna murmured, feeling her legs grow weary. She looked around, finding an unpainted wooden stool. Heading towards it, she sat with a sigh. Doc Ted, or just Ted, was the family’s most trusted woodworker around Royal Woods. He knew his way around all types of wood; furniture, floorings, and like now, puppets. Seeing just how many times Mr. C gets banged up over the havoc in the Loud house, it’s not hard to see that Ted had become more of a family friend than just a guy they come to for repairs.

She still didn’t know how much she could share about… this, though. If she even wanted to.

As Ted glued Mr. C’s head back together, he briefly glanced at Luna, looking bored as she scrolled through her phone. “How’s your sister anyway, kid?” He asked, moving Mr. C’s face down onto the table. “Is she doing well considering… this?”

Luna held back, her brain cluttering last minute. She was good at embellishing things, but lying, making a totally different story? She was too authentic to dare.

“I mean,” Should I tell him? How well does he even know us? Would Luan be fine with it? No, of course she wouldn’t! She didn’t even care about him getting fixed!

She stumbled on her words, but eventually came to a short, half-baked lie. “She’s managing.”

Yep, way to go, man.

She didn’t wanna lie and add anything to the story that Ted could tell Luan later on. Then she’d be lying on both sides. It didn’t feel right… but it also didn’t feel right to leave the chat at that. “…It’s not like she really uses him that much anyway.”

Ted nodded absently, the desk thudding as he put down the glue. “She doesn’t?”

“Nah... got too busy with school and all that.” Luna shared, feeling her throat bubble with all the thoughts, the observations she had of Luan’s behavior recently. Then she remembered that fateful night at the balcony. No. Luna mentally slapped herself. She trusts you. She trusts you to keep it to yourself.

A few minutes of silence, and Luna peered over to see progress. It wasn’t that long before Mr. C’s face formed again. There was a small scar that started on his forehead down to his nose, and a chipped part on the curl of his ginger hairdo “You almost done, doc?”

“Uh-huh,” Ted got a paint palette with Mr. C’s colors; said he had this kept safe in case the next repair came. He dipped his paintbrush on the apricot sludge, before drifting it over the crack on Coconuts’ face. “Just refining it a little… this should be good to go.”

Right after it was all over, Luna pushed through the glass doors of Ted’s Woodworking Shop, eyes fixated on the new and improved Mr. Coconuts. Sure, there was a chip he couldn’t fill on his hair, but other than that, he was perfect.

Close to it, at least.

Dad waited in Vanzilla for her. She opened the door to the passenger seat, and he beamed. “Ah, look at him. Nearly as new as the day he arrived.”

“Yeah,” Luna smiled, still thinking of what to say when it was time to hand it to Luan. “You got the bag, pops?”

“Yep, and a box to cover it up better.” He reached out to the row of seats behind them, handing Luna the blue and yellow bag. “You know, it’s really nice of you do this for your sister. Was it from a bet?”

“Not this time.” She shook her head, slipping Mr. Coconuts in the box, and into the gift bag. With all the time in her hands now, Luan’s been taking her first steps out of hiatus. But Luna saw she still tripped. She still struggled to stand again.

Hopefully, hopefully, having him back would push her on the right track. She didn’t want Luan to end up like her at some point, so burnt-out in her craft, she couldn’t even be glad she got herself a new Sterrett.

The drive home was quiet, contrasting the house. Luna rushed into the front door, avoiding everyone’s eyes, cuz they’d stick their noses up her bag.

 Alright. Luna sucked in a deep breath, mustering up courage. Moment of truth.

Luna gently pushed the door open, not really knowing what to expect. Maybe Luan was plotting a prank… talking to Benny, or maybe she wasn’t in here at all.

Their eyes met the Instant Luna peeked in. Nope, she was right here, writing on her journal again.

She sighed out breath she was holding, slipping in. “Yo, sis.”

“Hey,” Luan greeted her with a soft smile. “What’cha got there?”

“Something for ya.” Luna muttered, her neck heating up as she approached the bed, handing her the sizable bag.

“Really?” Luan raised her brows, taking the bag skeptically. She turned back to Luna. “Wow, didn’t know it was my birthday today. Thanks.”

Luna sat on the edge of the bed, her heartrate increasing. She mindlessly tapped her fingers against the sheets. “Open it.”

It seems Luan didn’t need to be told. Luna barely finished her sentence when Luan took the box out, tossing the bag aside.

Luna picked up the paper bag on the ground, folding it as she braced herself. She’ll love it, why are you on edge?

“This better not be a jack,” Luan narrowed her eyes suspiciously as she peeled the tape off.

“Like I’d ever prank you like that?” Luna scoffed; a smirk growing on her face as Luan pushed the box back, hesitantly ripping off the last bit of tape. “It’s not a punching bag. Relax.”

“You relax, I was kidding.” Luan retorted, still keeping the box at a distance as she lifted one side open, peering over it reluctantly.

Then she froze. Then her mouth slackened as she turned to look at Luna.

Luna simply returned her awestruck gaze with her growing grin. She crossed her arms, feeling a chill run through her spine. “It’s what you think it is.” She dropped, as if reading Luan’s thoughts. “All yours, lil’ sis.”

She blinked before the words seemed to sink into her mind. Fast.

The box thudded, hitting the wall, and next thing Luna knew, she was suffocated by a bone-crushing hug.

It took a second for Luna to realize it was Luan molding against her body so tightly, as if pouring out all her love, her gratitude into the action.

And as she did, Luna’s grin softened, and she wrapped her arms around her in return.

“Thank you thank you thank you, thank you!” Luan squealed against her shoulder.

“All credits go to his doc, dude.” Luna quipped, patting her back. She’d never heard Luan this excited in months. “All I did was cash out.”

It hurt her allowance, but eh. Happiness was never a waste of money.

She felt the slightest pop against her cheek, and she gasped. “Wait, did you just-”

“It’s the least I can do.” Luan giggled shyly, pulling back from the embrace to see a flushed Luna. “You spent your allowance just for me!”

Luna chuckled, faintly letting her hand rub the spot Luan kissed, feeling the coldness of her lips linger. It was incredibly rare for Luan to show affection like that. “It was worth every dollar I had.” She said, an undertone of vulnerability in her voice. “What’re you waiting for? Check it out. See if he works.”

She tossed the box away from the bed, gently peeling back the last bit of tape sticking to the box. And with bated breath, she opened it, revealing Mr. Coconuts iconic yellow hat and ginger hair to the world.

There was only silence as Luan pulled out the puppet, eyes wide and mouth slack in awe as she stared at the new and improved Mr. Coconuts. “Wow…” Luan muttered, and Luna just grinned. It was clear Luan wasn’t expecting such a treat, let alone having it so soon.

Like a man with Alzheimer’s learning how to write, Luna picked up on the trembling in Luan’s wrist as she tried to steadily slip him into her hand. Her fingers flexed inside him, feeling every nook and crevice of his wooden stature with familiarity. He was a part of him, and her of him.

Luna watched with a tight throat as Luan clumsily began moving his head and arms around, getting accustomed to the feeling of having her extra limb back.

The atmosphere sunk into an eerie, almost disappointing silence for a while, then… Mr. Coconuts turned to Luna, then Luan, then grasped his head.

“Whew, what happened over here, doll?” Mr. Coconuts narrowed his eyes, studying Luan’s features. “You look like you aged two years.”

Luna couldn’t help but suppress a snicker.

Luan gasped, offended. “Don’t be like that Mr. C. It hasn’t been that long! Just… two months. You were down pretty injured. Do you even remember me at this point?”

As the banter between her and the puppet continued, Luna felt pride swell deep in her heart. Ignoring her still paler-than-normal complexion, and the slight gauntness of her cheeks, Luan’s eyes no longer looked foggy and pink as they usually were, and with the sight of Mr. C, a glint of exuberance danced in them.

In the midst of it all, Luna caught glimpse of a photo on their nightstand. The one serious school photo Luan had, taken in freshman year. Long before this year brought her to her lowest.

Her eyes flitted from the photo to Luan now, who was zoning in on having a good recap with the still ‘disoriented’ Mr. C.

She was still physically unhealthier, but the energy, the sound of her giggle; it was all too familiar. All to reflective of the person she thought she lost.

“So, you’re sayin’ I was comatose the entire time? Huh, it’s less painful that I thought!”

Luna snapped back to reality as she heard her sister speak in the puppet’s voice, and realized maybe Luan needed some space to unwind.

“Uh, guess I should leave you two alone for now.” She pushed herself off the bed, only to be interrupted by Luan’s voice.

“No, no. stay.” Luan rushed out, a playful grin on her face. “Mr. C’s got something to say to you.”

She subtly rolled her eyes and with a sardonic huff, Luna sat back down, leaning close to the puppet. “Sup, dude? How’s two-month wander in LalaLand?”

 “Heavenly.” Mr. Coconuts replied, leaning close, nudging her cheek. “Hey, ya think you can… you know, take me back there?”

Luna chuckled dryly. She’ll never get Luan’s knack for projecting a different identity far separate from her own, but as eccentric as it was, it was Luan’s normal. And as far as Luna was concerned, having her back was all she needed.

Patchy Drizzle said winter was officially over today, and Luna could see it in the way the sun glazed Luan’s hair, painting her smile with a new glow, her eyes with a new light.

And as much as Luna loved fall, spring wasn’t so bad after all…