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Julia hated crying. And yet, it seemed that since her death all she’d done was cry. Or be close to crying, which wasn’t really any better.
She’d imagined the afterlife to be more peaceful. Less teary. Had she ever even believed in an afterlife? There was no scientific basis to believe in an afterlife. But even if death was simply an ending, a nothingness stretching out into forever, there would be no tears there. No conspiring, no murder, no destruction of all your preconceived notions about your family, your friends, your nation.
And yet, here she was, after life, sobbing in a mushroom hat on the office floor of a man she had just tried to kill, her second death approaching on sickly, golden hands.
“Sit up here. Listen, I…” Warm hands - how were they dead and still warm? - came to guide her up onto the couch. The bells on her costume jingled as she settled in, tucking her legs beneath her. It was a miserable, almost mocking sound.
She listened as Tonny spoke to her, or tried to listen. But her heart was beating so quickly, and it felt like every moment of every day since she died was replaying at a rapid, jagged pace in her mind.
But she heard the ringleader say he wanted to keep her close, to make the circus feel like home, that he’d keep her safe and alive.
She felt like an animal. Or she imagined how a prey animal would feel. Rabbits didn’t worry about difficult concepts like right or wrong. Rabbits, smart ones, worried about safe and alive.
It should have been comforting, but Julia couldn’t stop crying. Hot tears rolled down her cheeks, staining the beautiful but infuriating dress Kamille had made. Her hat kept riding forward on her head, pushing her bangs into her eyes. She made a frustrated sound through her tears, righting it for the fifth time.
“Here, here.” Tonny said softly, his hands coming to undo the ribbon of the hat under her chin. His touch was gentle, just a ghost over her tear-wet skin, as though he was afraid of touching her.
Carefully, so as not to snag her hair, he set the hat aside. Then he turned to her and asked, “Better?”
“Yes. Sorry.” She whimpered, still crying. She wiped her eyes with the back of her hand, her skin coming away smudged with red and white makeup.
“Ah,” the man said, leaning back to grab a rag for her. “Here you go.”
“Thanks.” In the quiet, she blubbered and took stuttering gasps, trying to get her crying under control. It was so embarrassing. This whole day had been an embarrassment.
But Tonny didn’t seem to mind. He sat beside her, close enough for her to feel his body heat. Clearly he was uncomfortable, she could practically hear the cogs of his mind trying to come up with something to say to break the silence.
“Could I have a glass of water?” She asked from underneath the rag that was now stained red.
“Of course.” He jumped up, too eager. “Would you prefer tea? Maybe lavender or chamomile?”
“Lavender sounds really nice.” Julia hiccuped.
“Great. I’ll be right back.”
In the silence of his departure, Julia slumped into the couch, wishing it would swallow her up and take her somewhere quiet, safe, warm. She supposed that, for now, this was as quiet, safe, and warm as she would get.
And it was quiet. Save the gentle rumble of the circus wheels and the tinkling of the tchotchkes hanging from the eaves of Tonny’s office, it was as quiet as it could be. She curled into herself, burying her face in her skirts, focusing on her breathing and begging something, anything, to help her stop crying.
“Ok, I found some biscuits as well.” Tonny said, bringing some noise back with him as he balanced a tray in one hand. It was laden with fruit, biscuits, and a steaming pot of tea. The floral, earthy smell washed over the room.
“You’re still crying.” He said, brows knitted together. “Is there something else bothering you?”
He set the tray on the desk, and came to kneel before her.
“No, I just can’t seem to stop.” She whimpered pitifully.
“Oh, it’s ok. You don’t need to try to stop. I can’t imagine what you’ve been going through these last few months.”
“You’re being so nice and I tried to…” a fresh wave of tears threatened to spill over, and all she could do was swallow them, along with her words.
“Come on, now. It’s alright, right? We’re starting over, so you don’t need to worry about that.”
Chewing her bottom lip, she nodded.
“Good, now why don’t you have a cup of tea.”
They sat together, sipping tea and eating biscuits, though Julia ate only as some automated response. At some point, she set the cup down on the saucer, still holding them in her hands, looking down at the thin puddle left in the cup, the particles of leaves gathered in the bottom, and she let her eyes slide closed. Even the rabbit, fed and warm and exhausted, had to sleep eventually.
--
Julia awoke to the sounds of whispers. Some gut reaction in her churned, and she jerked fully awake with a gasp. Her heart roared to racing, her eyes darting around the room. She expected to find herself clutching a dagger, hearing gunshots, feeling slimy, yellow tendrils gripping her wrists. But she just saw Kamille and Tonny standing at the door, looking at her with wide eyes.
“Hey, you’re ok–” Tonny began, but Kamille burst past him and barreled into Julia.
“Julia! Are you ok?” She asked, peering up at Julia through tear-stained lashes.
“I think so.” Julia said, squeezing Kamille tight, burying her face into the familiar halo of curls.
Julia peered at Tonny over her friend’s shoulder. He watched the two with an expression that was difficult to read. It was sad, but maybe hopeful? Maybe envious?
“Is everything ok?” She asked, turning back to Kamille.
“Yeah, we’re alright. We packed up and got on the road afterward, and people are mostly asleep now. Not that Sahed’s shouting did anyone any good.”
Julia sat forward, her heart panging, “is he-”
“He’ll be fine. I just need to keep an eye on him while he calms down.” Tonny sighed, scrubbing a hand through his hair. “And while we lay low for a bit.”
“I’m sorry.” Julia murmured, eyes cast downwards.
“No!” Tonny jumped, waving his arms frantically. “It’s not your fault. I mean, sort of it is, but Sahed is my problem to manage. And everyone always likes a new route anyway.”
Kamille sat back, smoothing Julia’s hair from her face. “Should we go back to our room? It’s late and you look tired.”
Julia looked out the office window. From this angle, she could only see the sky. It was dark, but no longer dark enough to see the stars. How long had she been sleeping?
“Um,” she shifted, eyes roving around the room. The truth was, she didn’t want to leave. It felt like this was the safest place for her. She wouldn’t meet anyone’s unkind gaze after having put them all in danger, she wouldn’t have to face Sahed, she wouldn’t have to think about the monster in the attic.
But she couldn’t stay. She’d already burdened Tonny enough, already butted into his space for what, apparently, was hours while she snoozed on his couch.
“Actually, I’d like for Julia to stay here for the night. If that’s alright with you, Julia.” Tonny tried to seem professional, despite the pink flush on his cheeks.
“Huh?” Kamille narrowed her eyes, looking between them. “But that’s-“
“Yeah. I’ll stay,” interrupted Julia. She looked at Tonny, wondering how he had known.
“I’ll sleep on the couch, of course. I just want to keep an eye on you to make sure your… benefactor… isn’t up to anything.”
Kamille pursed her lips, looking between the two of them. Julia took Kamille’s hands and gripped tight. “I promise I’m ok. I’ll come get you for breakfast tomorrow?”
“Ok,” the girls made eye contact, and Julia felt the rift between them start to sew back up. Kamille threw her arms around Julia, squeezing so hard Julia thought she might pass out.
And then, in a flourish of yellow fabric and bouncing ringlets, Kamille was off.
“I hope I didn’t make you uncomfortable,” Tonny shifted, a hand coming to rest at his neck. “You could have said no if you didn’t want to stay. And I assure you, my intentions are really just to make sure nothing happens to you. We don’t know the extent of his influence so-“
“Thank you, Tonny.” She said, mustering up as much of a smile as she possibly could in the moment. “I mean it.”
He sighed, visibly relaxing.
“Ok, um, well, the bathroom’s through that door. And the bedroom is the other one.”
“I feel bad taking your bed.”
“Please, don’t feel bad. I wind up sleeping on the couch most nights anyway.”
“That doesn’t really make me feel better.” Julia frowned, imagining Tonny half-asleep, under the little light of his desk lamp, a mountain of paperwork beside him.
“I guess it wouldn’t.”
“Um,” Julia shifted on her feet, hands tangling into her skirts. “Can I borrow something to sleep in?”
“Oh! Right!” Again, Tonny came to life in a blur of motion. It was almost comedic to watch him bumble around the office, trying to find clean clothes for her. She wondered if being a clown came naturally to him, or if years of clowning had impacted his physicality. Either way, it was oddly endearing to watch him skitter to a stop, holding out a bundle of clothes.
“Sorry about the clown pants. But they’re pretty comfortable, so I hope that’s ok.”
“It’s ok.” She said, hugging the clothes to her chest.
Tonny fidgeted with his suspenders as Julia got ready for bed. She cleaned the rest of the smudged makeup off her face, combed and re-braided her hair, and fussed with the laces of her dress. Tonny wasn’t as tall as Sahed, but the clothes still dwarfed Julia. The well-worn sweater was soft against her skin and came to her thighs, and she had to roll the pants four times to get them to sit on her hips. Looking in the mirror, she looked ridiculous. But Julia didn’t have the energy to care.
“Ok. You can use the bathroom. Thank you, again.” She said, tugging on the sleeves of her borrowed sweater.
“Of course, Julia. It’s the least I can do after everything you’ve been through. I’m really sorry you’ve been going through all this alone.”
“Goodnight, Tonny.” She said, feeling tears well back up in her throat. Before they could spill over, she hurried into the bedroom.
Tonny’s bed was bigger than her own, but not nearly as well-appointed. The quilt and pillow-cases had clearly been mended one hundred times over. Sliding into the bed, Julia traced the irregular stitches of different colors and threads that held the fraying patches together. It was sloppy handwork, likely Tonny's. Kamille would have done so much better. But it was still so, so soft. It smelled like tea and sawdust, just like the clothes she wore.
She should have been humiliated about sleeping in a man’s bed. The proper girl in her, the good girl that obeyed the rules, should have refused his offer. But she supposed after everything she’d done, she couldn’t really call herself a good girl anymore. She didn’t know what she was.
Julia rolled over, grabbing an extra pillow and wrapping her arms around it. Burying her face in the soft down, she begged for sleep. And eventually, it came.
--
She watched Tonny bleed out into the sand floor of the big top, while pandemonium broke out around her. Soldiers surged forward in a wave of blue uniforms – some of which she had stitched herself. They grabbed at circus folk and swung down at their spirit threads with glinting and ornate daggers. One by one the circus members screamed and fizzled out of existence. Julia turned wildly, looking for Sahed, Kamille, anyone. But in the middle of the chaos, completely unmoving, was the monster in the attic. It slowly raised a shaky hand, pointing its gnarled and bony finger at Julia.
She awoke with a scream.
“What’s wrong?” Tonny gasped, banging into the room with a start. His hair was a mess, his chest heaved, his eyes were wild with panic.
He looked around, finally settling on Julia heaving choked gasps in the bed.
“Hey, hey,” he cooed, coming to sit at the bedside. “What happened?”
“Sorry,” she hiccuped, wiping tears in her eyes. “I'm so sorry. Just a nightmare. It’s stupid.”
“No, it’s not stupid.” He reached out, tentatively, before setting his palm on her cheek. He thumbed away the tears gathering at the corners of her eye. “Do you want to talk about it?”
“No, not really.”
“That’s alright.” It was difficult to reconcile this softness with the anger she had seen yesterday. With the panic she’d felt from him when she explained her pact. Maybe she should just give up trying to reconcile it at all, and just accept it for what it was. “Do you need anything?”
“I’ll be fine. Sorry to wake you.”
He retracted his hand, fidgeting with his thumbs in his lap. She realized how truly disheveled he was. His hair was bunched up on one side, sticking practically directly in the air. His tank had twisted and pulled awkwardly, revealing the expanse of his pec. Julia had to look away from his smooth skin, dappled with freckles. Those were complicated feelings. And she did not need more complicated feelings.
“Do you want me to sit with you?” He asked.
“Huh?” She asked, looking up at him.
His cheeks had gone near crimson. “I just thought maybe… I don’t know. Maybe it would help? Sorry if that was creepy.”
“Sure. Yeah, that would be nice.” She knew she was taking liberties with his kindness. He’d already done so much in forgiving her, in offering her a new place at the circus. But he just kept offering and she just kept being selfish.
She shuffled over to one side of the bed, settling back into the covers. Honestly, after that, she doubted she would be able to go to sleep again.
But as Tonny shut the lights once more and sat on top of the covers, with his back resting against the wooden headboard, she found her eyelids growing heavy.
A smart rabbit knew it could never fully rely on another. Safe, alive, were things it had to see to on its own.
Did it make Julia dumb that she felt safe in that moment because Tonny was next to her?
She reached out and took Tonny’s hand in hers, feeling the softness of his palms compared to the roughness of his callouses.
Did it make her foolish for feeling alive as she listened to the even sound of the ringmaster’s chest rising and falling?
Sleepily, his fingers wrapped around hers and squeezed.
Maybe.
Maybe.