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Barmey yelled a made up obscenity as he saw the shiny black band slither under the bottom porch step. He almost fell backwards onto his ass, but he didn't.
Almost as if sensing the distress, Freemercy dived through the window, did a cool roll, and landed in a dramatic kneeling position. He sprung to his feet and whirled around, trying to find the danger. Though, when nothing jumped out at him, he frowned, and turned to Barmey.
“Did something happen?” He asked; he didn't sound worried, and that summed him up quite well.
Barmey made an agitated noise, face flushing red. “Did you really have to do all that?”
Freemercy shrugged.
“Okay, whatever. Show off,” he huffed, crossing his arms. “It's nothing.”
“Then why did you yell?”
“None of your business!”
“It is my business. If the house is in danger, whether from a rogue soldier or a rusty nail, I—”
“Oh my god, fine! It was a snake!” He admitted. “It was a damn snake, and it almost killed me!”
Freemercy's eyes widened. “Where?”
“Under the porch steps.” Immediately, Freemercy began to investigate. “If you really want to protect us, then for my sanity's sake, get rid of it!”
Freemercy dropped to their knees and ducked under the porch. He made an “ah hah!” noise, and moments later came out with a snake wrapped around his arm.
“Jesus dude!” Barmey took approximately three steps back. “Are you crazy?! What's wrong with you?”
The black snake wrapped around his scarred arm. Its tail flicked back and forth. Freemercy examined it. “It's just a garden snake,” he said, voice calm and collected as always. “It can't hurt you.”
“It could if it really wanted to!” Barmey pointed at it accusingly. “It almost got me!”
Freemercy shook his head. He twisted his arm, examining the snake closely. “Ah, she's injured.” He pointed to its side.
Other than it looking shiner than other parts of its freaky spaghetti body, Barmey didn't notice any sort of injury. “ She?”
To his horror, Freemercy walked back up the steps. Barmey scuttered back a few feet. Though instead of continuing to try and talk, Freemercy marched past, that glint in his eye when he's focused on getting something done. He went back inside the house, snake in tow.
“Oh my god.”
“Right? What a weirdo.”
“ Gah!” Barmey jumped once more. He whirled around towards the source of the voice.
Freecat stood, perched on the railing… like a cat. If anyone was weird here, it was him! Sure, he had the ears and eyes and tail and claws, but the rest of him was just some guy! And the cat mannerisms were… weird!
“What's the deal with that guy? I didn't know he suddenly cared about animals. You'd think it'd be the opposite, after how he acted at Black Mesa.” Freecat cocked his head, his tail flicking behind him.
Barmey shifted on his feet, feeling awfully like a mouse under Freecat's intense gaze. “Don't remind me. There's something wrong with that guy.”
“Huh, don't I know it!”
“There's something wrong with you too!”
Freecat laughed, curling his hand limply in front of his mouth. “We really are a freakshow. Maybe we should open a circus and charge people to come see us.”
Barmey frowned, unsure how to follow that up. Freecat was a strange guy. “Well. Whatever,” he huffed, turning away.
“I don't know what role you'd play,” Freecat continued. “Fatman. Hmm. No. You really aren't that exciting. You'd make us no money. How useless.”
Barmey growled, spinning back around. He wasn't gonna stand for such slander on his good Calhoun name! “Hey! You're talking to a DDR champ!”
“More like DDR chump. Gottem.” Freecat grinned. The tip of his tail curled. “Ahhh, I'm funny.”
If looks could kill, Freecat would've been exploded ten times over. Unfortunately, Barmey didn't have epic mind explosion powers, so all he could do was storm inside.
There's a snake. In the house. That's just freaky. He couldn't sit still, especially not under the covers of his bed. Or, well, not his bed. Gordon's — Freemind's — bed. Though it felt like his now too with how often he stayed there. But now it was haunted with the memory of snakes coiling around his leg. Every shift and brush against his skin was a Black Mamba nestling against him.
He made a whiny groan. “It's freaky, Gordon.”
“No, it's not.” Freemind was getting dressed for bed. Barmey was so distracted he barely even noticed. He didn't even make any inappropriate comments! “ You're just a coward.”
“I'm not a coward! I just don't like snakes for completely valid reasons!”
“What if I wanted a snake, huh?” Freemind finished putting his shirt on. He twirled around and leaned in, arms akimbo. “Would you try to stop me? Not that I would let you.”
Barmey's soul drained from his body. He had no say about whatever Freemind did. His input was irrelevant. “Please don't.”
Freemind’s harsh features softened marginally. He huffed, climbing into bed. “Snakes aren't that scary.”
There was a pause in the conversation as he rustled around in the drawer of the bedside table. He pulled out his sleep aids, popped the lid, and fished out a pill.
“I've read about anacondas eating babies,” Barmey said, trying to have a gotcha moment.
Freemind, unaffected, intoned, “Well, I don't think an anaconda could extend its jaw enough to eat you.” Dig at weight. Classic. “And you read too many conspiracy books. They're bad for you; you're way too impressionable.” Ouch! You're one to talk! And snakes aren't conspiratorial! They're snakes! “Quit worrying about it so much,” he finished, his cruelty dull yet succinct. He put the pill in his mouth and began to drink from a plastic water bottle.
Damn it! Freemind was good at not caring! But he still hated snakes! His douchebag boyfriend wasn't going to change his mind! “I didn't say it was gonna eat me! I meant Joshua, or even Henry. In a cage match, they would lose to a twenty foot anaconda.”
Freemind gave him the dirtiest side eye, but he still had the pill in his mouth, so he stayed silent. He obviously was itching to retort.
Barmey continued, “Maybe if I get Martini on my side, there'll be enough say to boot the snake OUT!”
Freemind's swallow was audible. “There was no way it was twenty feet. And there's no way it was an anaconda! You're exaggerating to make yourself look better! I bet it was something small.”
“So what? It still eats babies!”
He sighed, frustrated. “I don't want to talk about this anymore.” He turned off the table lamp and pulled the sheet up over his shoulders as he lay down, back facing Barmey.
Barmey scoffed. “Fine! Well, when the snake tries to eat us all, I won't save you.”
“As if you would've to begin with,” Freemind mumbled. “Coward.”
Unbelievable! “Douchebag…”
Life has been hell! Or… well. It has been the same. Loud. Unpredictable. Crowded. But there's the added stress of a snake! Sure, he doesn't go into Freemercy's room. Sure, he hasn't seen it since it was brought inside. But! It was awful. It was still in the house. Still lurking and being evil. Whatever snakes like to do. It made his skin crawl! Or, no. Not crawl. Snakes didn't crawl. It made his skin slither!
Usually, Freemind had to badger him to shower, but he'd been showering once a day to get that snake-y feel off his body. It helped for a bit, but it would always return with a vengeance.
He pulled back the shower curtain, hair matted to his head. The bathroom was steamy and warm.
Something moved on his clothes, tossed haphazardly to the floor.
He froze.
Snake.
A goddamn snake.
It slithered over his Resident Evil shirt, and its color reminded him of the Mold. He didn't want to become a freak, no thank you! Though powers would be cool. He would use them to kill that snake. Hiyah!
But instead he was stuck in place, writing his will in his mind. His phone was on the toilet rid, luckily in reach if he leaned over… but. What if the snake jumped at him? Or coiled around and became a spring. His breath hitched. He was going to die here.
No…! He survived much worse. Resonance cascade, bullets, alien planet, otherworldly entities, bees… a stupid snake wouldn't be the end of him! He sucked in a sharp breath and leaned over the side of the tub, snatching up his phone and then huddling down against the ceramic.
Autonomously, he flipped it open, clicked on contacts, and pushed the call button.
The faucet dripped as the dial tone drilled screws in his ears.
Rrrrrrrr.
Rrrrrrrr.
Rrrrrrr.
Rrrrr-click. “Barney?”
“Gordon,” Barmey gasped, almost choking on his relief. “Thank god.”
“What? What is it?” Freemind's usual apathy had an edge to it. It seems Barmey's voice had surprised him.
“You're really hot. And you can have all my stuff,” He spoke quickly, quietly, words coming out in mumbled chunks. “But don't look at my search history. Just clear it. Felix can have my heart boxers, I know you won't wear those, and—”
“Slow down, I can't understand you!” Freemind interrupted, obviously frustrated. “What happened? Where are you?”
“In my ceramic, watery grave,” Barmey whispered. “I would've done terribly on Naked and Afraid. Or maybe I would've done great, because that's exactly what I am right now.”
“Are you… hold on.”
“Gordon?”
Silence. Freemind had left him for dead. It was so over. He was going to get eaten. Or starve to death. Whatever happened first. Being eaten by the snake would be a mercy at that point. Hunger sucked! He—
The door opened. A cold gust of air blew in. Barmey shivered, head snapping up to see none other than his douchebag boyfriend. Relief flooded him once more. “Gordon!”
“Eugh. I can't see.” He grimaced, glasses foggy. He pushed them up, squinting at Barmey. “What's going on?”
His relief was replaced by a pit in his stomach. “Gordon, be careful! There's a snake in here!”
“Huh?” He stared at the floor, scanning back and forth. His gaze stopped at Barmey's clothes.
A low hissing noise emitted from them.
“Gah!” Freemind jumped, his eye blown comically wide.
“I thought you said you weren't afraid of snakes!” Barmey shot out almost instantly.
“It startled me!” Freemind defended himself, though he was definitely shuffling out the door into the hallway.
“Hey! Where are you going!”
“What's going on here?” A chipper, inquisitive voice asked from outside the door. There's only one guy who would sound so pleased in the face of chaos.
But instead of who he was expecting, Freemercy popped his head inside. He observed the state of the bathroom, eyes landing on the snake coiled in Barmey's clothes. “Ah. There you are.”
As Freemercy came in to collect his little monster, Freecat — the one who spoke earlier — also leaned in. He smiled, humming to himself.
Anger bubbled in Barmey's chest. Surprisingly, it wasn't because of Freecat. He stayed sitting, scowling up at Freemercy from the floor of the tub. “Why did you let this thing run loose? Are you trying to kill me?”
Freemercy, snake wrapped around his arm, looked apologetic. “She wasn't in her terrarium. Someone must've let her out. She doesn't have the opposable thumbs needed to escape on her own.”
Thank god for that! But wait… who let it out?
Freecat tilted his head. He crouched, sticking a claw under the lip. The grate shifted. He lifted it up. “Huh. It must've gotten into the vents then. This is loose. Very suspicious. Hmm.”
“What is this, Sherlock Holmes?” Freemind said, out of sight from the hallway.
“I was thinking more Among Us,” Freecat corrected, his usual lackadaisical attitude pissing Barmey off.
“Okay, great,” Barmey huffed, painfully aware that he was sopping wet and naked. “Can you guys get out?”
Freecat stared at Barmey. His slit pupils dilated a bit as a grin grew on his face. “What, embarrassed that you're fully modeled?”
Freemercy shot him a confused look and Barmey's face burned. “Out!”
Freecat laughed, but he surprisingly listened, striding out of the bathroom. Freemercy gave a polite nod before leaving. At least in Barmey's naked state, the only people besides Freemind who saw him were the two most sexless Freemen there were. Getting laid wouldn't fix either of them.
Freemind came in, closing the door behind him. The steam had dissipated enough that he could use his glasses again. He crossed his arms. “Do you do everything in your power to make me look bad?”
“Huh?” Barmey, not expecting to be chastised, paused to absorb the words. He could've standed now if he wanted too — it was just Freemind — but he remained firm in his defensive tub huddle. “Make you look bad? What are you even talking about?”
“Where did you even get ‘twenty foot anaconda’ from?” Freemind's tone was judgemental and flat.
Heat pooled in Barmey's chest, loosening his tongue. “It was gonna kill me and all you're worried about is a little exaggeration?”
“It was not going to kill you.”
“Yeah-huh!” He pointed up at him. “You even started backing away!”
“That's—!”
“You know what? I bet you let her out!”
Freemind, in all honesty, seemed taken aback by the accusation. “Huh?”
“You definitely did! Because you're a douchebag and you know I hate snakes and you… suck!”
“I did no such thing!” Freemind growled. “You know what? To hell with you. Don't talk to me until you've recovered from whatever mental deficiency you're suffering from.”
Before Barmey could retort, Freemind stormed out. Good! Whatever! Who needed him anyway?! He was a prick!
Guess he was sleeping on the couch tonight! A proverbial one, of course. He had a bed. He just also had roommates. Barney — from the prime timeline — would occasionally stay there, Molly, Beauty, Bunny… there were a lot of beds. This was the wayward house for victims of the multiverse. They were all like… timeline orphans, or something.
He tried not to think about it. It made his head hurt. He was a security guard! He hadn't read Temporal Mechanics 101! But he did know the multiverse got him access to future video games, and that was freaking awesome.
But what wasn't awesome was Freemind being an asshole! An asshole who got his own room, too! It wasn't fair at all! Just because Freemind had “insomnia” and “needed a place for himself to feel comfortable”... ugh! Whatever! Who even cares! Why did he have to be so damn hot?! And why did Barmey have to care!? Life was so cruel!
So he was back in his room. Thank god it was empty! It wasn't even night time, he just wanted to take a nap. He was betrayed by his boyfriend and it made him tired. A nap would fix everything.
He pulled back the covers and screamed.
A snake was resting under his blanket! Flashbacks infiltrated his mind. His war stories. His personal 9/11. He was halfway across the room already, trying to figure out what to do. Call Freemind again? No, that guy was useless! Call Freemercy? Yes, maybe he should—
His thoughts were interrupted by someone laughing giddily. “Oh man, you really do hate snakes, don't you?”
Freecat.
Barmey whirled around. “You—!”
“Me.” Freecat placed a splayed hand on his chest, smiling as always. He had a habit of appearing out of nowhere. His damn cat-like reflexes…!
“You're an asshole!”
“That was funny. You're a pretty funny guy, Barm.” Freecat paused to giggle to himself. He was so joyous. “I didn't even plan on you and Dr. Pirate getting into a fight. You're not very smart, are you?”
Pirate… oh, Freemind. Duh. Wait… Freemind? So it wasn't him…?
“That was you earlier too?!”
“Yeah,” he admitted unabashedly. “That one's fake. Dr. Killjoy wouldn't leave his room so I couldn't get the real deal.”
Killjoy…? Ah. Freemercy.
“Oh well.” Freecat turned on his heel and marched out the door.
“Wait!”
He paused.
Barmey, face red from anger, mumble-shouted, “Is that really it? What is you deal?!”
Freecat's head slowly swiveled to look over his shoulder. His ever-present smile seemed more sinister — only for a second, though. He shrugged. “It's funny.”
And… he left.
Barmey searched everywhere, but he couldn't find Freemind. Oh, he'd really messed up this time. He should've known better than to think his Gordon would do something so… simple! No, if Freemind wanted to do something to scare him, it would've been more intense than a snake.
He asked around if anyone had seen Freemind, ranging from Martini's unhelpful “I dunno” sound, to Cicero's incomprehensible garble. He sat outside on the porch where he first saw the snake, frustrated.
Then something hit him on the forehead. He went “ow!” but it didn't actually hurt. It was small, whatever it was, and it plinked onto the deck. He leaned over to inspect it.
An acorn.
As if on cue, another small object — an acorn, likely, bounced off the back of his head. “Ow, hey!”
He looked around, but no one was there. Frustrated, he stood. Another one hit his head. “Man, what the hell!”
There was a quiet “Heh.” noise from his left. Plenty of trees scattered their yard, but his attention lasered in on the closest one. Its brilliant green leaves sheltered the menace.
“Who goes there!” he barked.
He saw the acorn coming and was able to dodge. “Hey! Quit that!”
“I am one with the oak tree…” the voice declared in a familiar flat tone before a few more acorns rained from above.
Barmey was pelted, but he wasn't mad anymore. Only one weirdo liked climbing and would definitely throw acorns at people who passed by.
He called up, “Gordon!” Freemind.
“What?” Confirmation.
“I, uh… it was Freecat, who did the snake thing.”
An acorn hit his nose.
“I could've told you that, idiot. It was so obvious.”
Barmey felt his face aflame. “I'm sorry. My bad. I just hate snakes.”
“Booo!” A few more acorns hit him. Barmey brought up his arm to shield his face. “Not good enough! Do better!”
“Come on, man, really?” Barmey whined. “Ummm…” he racked his brain. What should he say? What would make it up to him?
The onslaught of acorns continued, and now even sticks were joining in. Barmey retreated a few feet back. “Okay, okay, wait! I got something.”
There was a temporary ceasefire.
“Okay, uh… I may hate snakes… but there is one… that I wouldn't mind getting into a cage match with.” Barmey couldn't stop the nervous-but-cheeky grin from spreading on his face.
The tree didn't immediately start throwing shit at him again. That was… good! Probably. Unless Freemind didn't get it. Sometimes Freemind just didn't get it. He was a smart guy, but there were things Barmey had the upper hand on.
So, for clarity's sake, Barmey said: “I'm, uh, I'm talking about your dick. Just so we're both on the same page.”
The leaves rustled in the wind. Barmey's ears rung.
Freemind dropped down from the tree with a grunt and a thud. He crossed his arms. “Really? That's what you're going with? Out of everything you could've said, you chose to be a perv?”
Barmey smiled at the sight of Freemind, no matter how displeased he looked. “Well, you aren't throwing nuts at me anymore, so… win!”
He could see the red of Freemind's face from ten feet away. It almost matched the shade of his glasses. “No! Not a win!”
Barmey strode over, proud of himself. “I think it's a win.”
“I know what a win looks like, and this definitely isn't one.”
Despite all Freemind's verbal protesting, he didn't resist Barmey's arms wrapping around him in a loose hug. Not even when Barmey pecked his lips in a mediocre kiss.
“So.” Barmey bounced his eyebrows. “About that cage match, then…”
Freemind groaned.
Freecat leaned in at his desk, his controller in hand as he equipped his comically enchanted weapons in his heavily modded Skyrim. The attic could get hot sometimes — his pc certainly didn't help. But, oh well! He had games to play.
Muffled talking reverberated up from the floor. That was one of the good things about the attic; it gave him the insight he needed to be a menace. Though, he didn't feel the urge to listen. He'd done his trolling today.
Two screams emitted from one of the bedrooms. His ears flicked back to listen, though his eyes stayed trained on his monitor. Though it was brief, it sounded like… ah, yes. It was definitely those two. They were fun to mess with. Which was why he put a snake in their bed earlier. Was that what the screaming was for? That was so… a few hours ago! How did Barmey fall for the same trick again? Second time meant shame on him. Freecat was absolved from any wrongdoing. Those were the rules.
And, besides. He moved on. He didn't really care. He was too busy doing more important things, like breaking the game and frying his gpu.